4 Lyle = -“THE- —— ISSUENOW... YOU CAN BUILD YOUR OWN HANGING MODEL OF THE RIDICULOUS > ZEPPELIN MAINLY...AS A — ES ee ee Yep—along with the usual high-flying, up-lifting, lighter-than-airy articles, features, ad satires and other garbage, you get a full-color, die-cut, pop-out, pre-slotted-and-tabbed, do-it-yourself MAD ZEPPELIN CONSTRUCTION KIT On Sale Now at All Newsstands...and even a few Oldsstands!NUMBER 96 JULY 1965 “One of the biggest improvements we could make in the American Home ig to take ‘the scale out of the bathroom and put tin front of the refrigerator!” alfred E. Newman IAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT. FELDSTEIN editor SJOHN FUTRAM ar! director LEONARD BRENNER production JY DE FUCCIO, NICK MECLIN associate editors MARTIN J-SCHEINAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity (evoRtA ORE ANDO, CLI MORFLL, RICHARD GRILL subscriptions the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of The Boss * DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPARTMENT. ‘Substandard Brands, Inc. DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT On The Job ... In Injun Territory . Tho Indignant Husband HOE-HUM DEPARTMENT MAD's Seed And Garden Catalogue HOLLERIN’ UNCLE DEPARTMENT The Man From AUNTIE. JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas OFF BUT STILL “ON” DEPARTMENT Show Biz Colebrities In Everyday Life OUT, DAMNED SPOT! DEPARTMENT Tv-Commercial Aids OUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPARTMENT Baseball Foto-Plays PREVIEWS OF DRUMMING-UP ATTRACTIONS. Future Sales Gimmicks For More Conservative Institutions SOCKO B.0. DEPARTMENT Crazy Fists (Another Gutsy MAD Movie) SPONSOR SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE DEPARTMENT Unepoken Messages in TV Commercials **Various Places Around The Magazine 20 37 4 24 “4 SUBSTANDARD BRANDS, INC, (ANEW MAD SUBSIDIARY) Pg.4 ‘SEED AND GARDEN CATALOGUE Pg. 29 map's wv COMMERCIAL ‘AIDS CRAZY FISTS (ANOTHER GUTSY MAD MOVIE) Pg. 41 FUTURE SALES GIMMICKS FOR CONSERVATIVE INSTITUTIONS. Pg. 28WE'VE COME OF AGE! MAINLY, WE'VE TURNED 21— MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS, THAT IS! |, pay AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND—OR YOURS BY MAIL POCKET DEPARTMENT 850 Third Avenue New York, N. ¥. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: The MAD Reader CUMAD Strikes Back inside MAD Utterly MAD 5 The Brothers MAD The Bedside MAD Son of MAD USE COUPON oR DUPLICATT Name. Address ci State__ TENCLOSE S0¢ FOR EACH [)The Organization MAD Greasy MAD Stuff ike MAD 5 Three Ring MAD Ey The Ides of MAD. The Self-Made MAD Fighting MAD L The MAD Sampler 5 The MAD Frontier DON MARTIN Steps Out MAD in Orbit DON MARTIN Bounces Back DThe Voodoo MAD D) DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A. the USA, ed 10% El Ye coe LETTERS DEPT. JAMES BOMB~007 Uhaye, Tam sorry to say, been reading your ridiculous magazine for four yeas, Thave found many stupid articles which were, nevertheless, amusing. But, in your April issue (#94), you had the temerity to stitize the greatest of all fictional chae~ acters, James Bond. I hope you get thou funds’ of letters reprimanding, you. fot printing this absued arti ‘Andew Dubrovsky New York Gisy ‘James Bomb-007" was the areatese musical satite you have ever done. Not bly were Drucker’s drawings unusually ‘good, but Jacobs! musical adapeation of Songs from “Oklahoma” were as great 3s the originals, Jack Bourque Florence, Mass Your treatment of James Bond, You came throug! an Fleming's "cha suit pointed. Frank W Winona, Mina Pechaps you are clairvoyant. {just ead an announcement that a musical, based om the James Bond books, i going to be ‘eritten by Sylvia Fine. You sure showed them how ie could be done Bill Williams Evanston, Il As a fellow Englishman, I thoroughly enjoyed your marvelous satire on James nd, Joba Tiadall Miami, Fla SEASONS’ GREETINGS We love reading MAD! I adds "spice toourlife “The Four Seasons On Tour, USA,PLAYING FAVORITES When I arrived at their hosel suite to interview Ray and Dave Davies, two of the “Kinks,” chs is what T saw! Boy, was Vmad! Gloria Stavers Edicor-Io-Chiet 16 Magazine New York Ciey ‘Are you guys some sort of prophets? Enclosed is x news photo of Ringo Starr and his bride, which appeared in every newspaper across the country on Feb. 1. Te bears a striking resemblance to the photo you envisioned he cartes in. his wallet (MAD #91). In fact, most of the ‘ewspapers carried the same gag line for the caption, mainly: "Find Ringo’s New Bride, Hint: He'e on the right! Joan Darcy Jersey City, NJ. (MARGINAL THINKING ‘Those line picruce-gags you stick in the margins to take up space are funnier than the rest of your magazine! ‘Ricky Zaman Grecalawa, N.Y NEUROTIC MAIL ‘Thank you so very much for "Nearotic Magazine” in. issue #94. Te really hie home. Tacidentally, Tm noe acquainted swith the weiter, Suan Hare. Who told him somuch aboue ze? Don 2, Block. Brooklyn, N.Y. Iwas always under the impression that shere already was a magazine for Newrot- ics...namely MAD! However, T really tenjoyed che article, In fact, I read ie over aod over and over and over and over and ver and over and Steve Salo, Burbank, Calif. DEAR “JOHN LETTER Jost a noce of thanks in grateful appre- ciation, and a recommendation for MAD. 1 await each issue eagerly, In fact, it was oly theit "Alfred" hat heid my children's Interest long enough t9 accomplish toilet training. As a Pediatrician’ wife, this vie~ tory was imperative in suppore of my hus- band’s reputation Mis, Ruth Weimer Randolph, Mass Yeoh, but what ebout our reputation? —Ed, GOOD TO LAUGH AT ONE'S SELF ‘Your unique ability to reduce all phases cof human endeavor co sparkling satire ‘makes your publication a teal milestone in literary achievernent. Its good to laugh at one's self. Life is too shore to spend in 4 state of worry of constant anxiety. Per haps the world would be a better place if Mao and Kesygia would read and heed the philosophy of MAD. Charles T. Joyner Chesapeake, Va. That! be the doy—when Mao and Kosygin can laugh a thomrelver ‘TAT ABOUT COVERS IT 1 don't expect you to print this, because T know that the las thing youd want to be called in public is “sentimental,” but 1 want you to know chae I think it was nice (of you to change the cover on your "MAD Frontier” paperback book from one of Alle on a rocking chair co one of him on a covered wagon. Not many magazines ‘would go 10 that much trouble out of re- spect forthe late President Kennedy Edith Assatl Detroit, Michigan PERSONNA NON GRATA Ive tried (Coo-coo) magazine and (Coo-coo) magazine, but I fnd that MAD gees me 25 to 30, more kicks pet issue. Mainly, when I boy a copy, fm Mom kicks me around the house. eae (Gary Eusidge Battle Creek, Mich, Please addres oll correspondence tox ‘MAD, Dept. 95, 850 Third Avenue Now York, New Yerk 10022 RAKE IN EACH ISSUE... AT HOME! SUBSCRIBE TO RAAID ..AND SAVE 40¢ ON 8 ISSUES OR A BIG $2.20 ON 24 ISSUES! use coupon or duplicate MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue New York City, N. Y. 10022 Okay, clods...enough of this crop! You have ‘suc-seeded in planting your suggestion in my fertile brain, so I'm throwing In the trowel and subscribing! Now, while you'll be getting ‘a green thumb from my money, | will probably grow inte @ blooming idiot...and go to pot! Please enter my ame on your sub- rmallme tenon B sues 2 MAD | encase $5.00.*" Please enter my name on you sub- ean id nd al ne the eat Boas MA NAME. ‘ADDRESS. cry STATE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY ‘Yep, we're taking this opportunity to give you the Duriness agin dy offering fllcolor portraits of ‘Allred Nouroan, MAD's "What Me Wert?" ki, {25% cach (3 for S0¢). They're sultae fr framing rwrapping fh Mall money to: MAD, Dept. "What "Calor? 850 Third Avenue, New York, N'Y. 10022DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPT. Boy, are we sick and tired of manufacturers who keep on bragging about their dubious wares. Mainly, their products are either “the purest’ or “the finest” or “the best” or some other such similar falsehood! And be- sides, what makes these blowhards think that the public always wants SUBSTANDARD “You can be sure it’s ch BORROWING A CAR * RENTING A CAR? « STEALING A CAR? Then why pay premium cor even regular) prices for gasoline? PUT A TURKEY IN YOUR TANK! ‘cope copes! Why Worry About Piston Ping... Carburetor Cough...Blasts From The Exhaust? ‘Recent tests reveal that FILL "ER UP WITH THE WORLD'S CHEAPEST FUEL | (2200) "6?! "oesons/ IMMOBILEGAS |:* & ND REMEMBER...IT'S NOT YOUR CAR! Lene a E {A Product ofthe Petroleum Division of Substandard Brands, Inc IMMOBILEGAS!”quality? Don’t they realize that there's a vast, untapped market in tnis country for out-and-out junk? After exhaustive research, we've discovered that there are lots of times when people merely want to buy the cheapest possible product, regardless of quality. And so, MAD hereby launches... BRANDS, INC. p...if it's Substandard!” ISYOUR HOUSE THE “COMMUNITY CENTER” OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD? DOES IT OVERFLOW WITH HUNGRY BRATS WHO ROB YOUR CUPBOARD AND YOUR POCKETBOOK, EATING BAG AFTER BAG OF HIGH-PRICED ADDICTIVE POTATO CHIPS? MOTHER—IT'S HIGH TIME THAT YOU SWTCHED TO LOU'S POTATO CHIPS “The only chip fried in crude oil—a hagful is a year’s supply!” “Bet you can't finish even one!" Chips... A Product of Substandard Brands, Inc.Tired of “Coffee-Clatching” with cackling hens? Do you hate being socially obligated to send Discourage their dropping in! Serve them. greeting cards to all kinds of people who are totally meaningless in your life? Is this an an- CHEESE & SANDBAG ware Bais Sa Coffee CARDS ‘THE COFFEE SERVED AT THE BOWERY FLOPHOUSE HOTEL 2 “It costs a lot less—because you geta lot less!” Heappy Birthday x aH (for 1965 through 1975) { Avery special birthday wish | [s what this card inspires, | ‘Avoish to last you ten more years (That's when this card expires!) Int Deepest Sympathy #0 |) Oo Smo Ut gy fe inst no A ap oe! ‘When you don’t care to send the very best —send the very cheapest! SCHLOCKMARK CARDS A Division of Substandard Brands, Inc. WHAT MR. CHEESE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT COFFEE IMR. SANDBAG DIDN'T KNOW EITHER!HOLLARIN' UNCLE DEPT. We've had preposterous “Private Eye” characters in literature (Mickey Spillane’s “Mike Hammer”)! And we've had preposterous “Secret Agent” characters in movies (Ian Fleming's “ got the most preposterous “Private Eye-Secret Agen all—on the most preposterous medium of them all—television! We're talking about the guy on the weekly NBC-TY show called james Bond")! But now we've aracter of them ‘On a street in the East 50's in er concept— so...ifit'sso |} ‘New York City, there san i || clever, why is our ordinary Tailor Shop! We entered ‘asthe secret entrance to our |, || “Nielsen Rating” through the Agent's Entrance... ‘secret Headquarters Building? | only 16.877 Idiots! Clods! Dotts! The ordinary Tallor Shop you A.U.N.T.LE. guys want isin the EAST 40°s-not the East 50's! Everybody in New York knows that! You've got the WRONG SHOP! whieh Is actually the secret entrance to the: secret Headquarters Building of AU.N.T. = i‘So maybe you could help met Mine partner absconded with all our cash and he's gambling ‘They're waiting | be riaht Morven | mth you! | Headquarters! / What money!? | pay them $200 a week ‘But now let's step out into the street, Boy, what a rough day | had yesterday! Twas assigned the 4 P.M. to 12 shift in Asa to put doven 2 riot and plague, ‘and the 12 to 8 AM, shift in Africa {0 put down a plot of 40,000 warped. Congo sclentists to blow up the world! APPAIR” ACT ONE— “1 Think vu Gry!’Well, since ‘thrive on adventure, ‘Tome everyone looks suspicious! Even || I think'' that inngcent-looking Flower Lady! || take a chance! One carnation, | please... | ‘What's that, i Ineredi Not it's incredible ‘Napoleon? | ‘simply nts of || that she could ‘Act into the dialogue!? y eet leave without once Meanwhile, we're i) wanting to kiss mel et | Fine, me. lm Napoleon Polo Nuterackint Enforcement Agent, Section 2-—expert in “Tactical Weapons" "Delivering Dry Humor With Amused Detachment ‘and "Heavy Kissing”.Hmmmt | can tell from your kiss that you're| 2 Spy from "CRUSH"! You really know how to hurt a uy, don’t Be careful, ‘And | can tell, from your kiss ‘that you're & Lover from J} “Hunger! Men She's the most treacherous agent || wnat they havel She's tried to Kill you seven || else? ‘mes this month! She's bombed your || Let her ‘apartment, dynamited your ear, poisoned your pizza, and shot acid in {your face with a water pistol! What ould we do with her, Napoleon? spoteon! If she's 2 spy from “CRUSH,” she's probably been assigned to Kill the - “CRUSH is trying to gain control ofthe world by poisoning its food supply! We believe the next three ‘spots they'll strike are: A Super’ ‘2 Frult Stand in Caleutta, and an Appetizer Store in Brooklyn! They have three ket in Yugoslavia, tages: They have weapons, | ‘they have strength, and mainly they have better acting lity than we have! Who wants to volunteer? Grice pit satis 4 Oo a ena ae Cmentions y See Napoleon? Hoy, what about met! How about What should I do? | Why does he always get the best, assignments? I'm ‘bad an actor ‘Nuterackint For you— | have the most pressing assignment we've ever had! Go over to the machine and have these [pressed by 6 o'clock! WS Napoleon's wardrobe ~and he has to fook slick for this mission! We alreagy {- used the | subtitle in the dialogue! LoreACT THREE —“‘Nice Day If It Don’t Rain!”” 1 — A band of 1 = Weil, here amin Yugoslav! = Yugoslavian {— Yugostavian — The fist thing I have to 60 peasant farmer! Yugoslavian {is look for a typleal, average, Noshe's not | | Gypsies! No,| run-of-the-mill citizen to help ‘typical! ‘they're not ‘me in my adventure! That's ‘typieal «+ ‘ypleal! \ Ad = Oa [A French Countess posing like an $80-an-hour fashion model— ‘dressed in stretch pants and a ‘become a kind of cute trademark in this seriest Hmmmm-—iet me see T ust hit her with one of my wa it's those subtle litle things you learn to notice when you're an ‘Boy, that’s a pretty clever, suave opening line! Naturally. I'm. Intrigued! Who are you? the Frozen Food Counter—but mainly, Im J] it's those Communist Pygmies with by the Polson-Dart Blow-Gune hiding Inthe apple sauce jars! We have to get ‘out of here! Follow met = - x e / Vd better call AUNT Nt on your te, 5) ile Cron for instructions with my Mr. Polol If wa . AUNTIE. Pinky-Ring World-Wide Shor- ‘open Channel "D”, yy can't help ust ‘he few viewers NY SANK uyas 7d YG Was that r CRUSH" who - compvat teen | Nol Tat vas This is the big nal “Tokar Scene Thay got ioe lacredible with each epi ‘and trapped us? fy for t i io Kr clock, we have exactly six minutes before we'l| be boiled alive! You know what that means, dont youl sett hiss you thre times Defere we dit ere You're not kissing anyone, Napoleon Polo! I'm AIvH So you're the man fir and she's coming with me! You're all through kissing — behind this plot: | should ‘and you're all through hugging—and you're all through have known So you want ‘non my beautiful | "No, | was merely hired to capture you by and wild adventures! | the man who's wanted your job for some finished off! | —— 5 bowl of boiling oatmeal — What does AUNT. stand for .. 7 IDIOTIC ENTERTAINMENT . .. and { ‘thank God t'm through with it Aa ant, Goss J Mbal tive Va) Thats al) me, Napoleon, before || ASSOCIATION for UNBELIEVABLY } (ie ey tebe | NUYERAGIIN: eaesr ae | anaes ts nae | Goacanrtnemee ren ae qDON MARTIN DEPT. PART |OUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPT. Here we go again with MAD's little game which consists of taking typical action sports shots—like the kind we've been subjected to in newspapers and magazines— and captioning them with appropriate idiotic remarks. Like f’rinstance these . a ‘You Process Servers really know How do you spell "Doris"? how to embarrass a guy, don't you! 5 KOGeN Te says in my contract that I'm entitled to a ‘7th inning stretch! % | know ls night game, but! still don't understand How you ould drop a fy ball because the “moon gt in your eyeses YOu with a pitiful salary of $87.50 a week! How much wil 1 be fined a if punch you in the bell1d ike to, Roger, out it would look silly if we “choose for it” in front of all these people! jaying an Exhibition |= Game withthe Meteo) but stl tink they 2 hhve a nerve making ‘Us bat this way!ear. JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I Gael ,SPONSOR SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE DEPT. Do you listen closely to TV commercials? Of course not! That’s what the sponsors and their fiunkies at the advertising agencies count on when they plan their messages—that: you won't UNSPOKEN MESSAGES J My husband's work clothes used to come out streaked and ‘dirty’ when | used old-fashioned weshday methods." Now, ‘with new improved Shmeer, even his grimy sweatshirts ‘urn sparking white.* — ern | ound that | got twenty-four || Try Pursehonor stainless clean smooth shaves from the {steel blades, and if you Pursehonor stainless steel blade, || “don’t get more shaves ‘compared to oniy five or six |] than any other blade, from (cooko0)' and (cookoo}" |] we'll buy you (cookoo}? 7 (F (c00k00}* oF whatever you think is better lefore he retired asa starting lineman with the reen Bay Packers to take up a career in accounting. ich consisted of beating the suff with a tick fon. flat rock down bythe ereck behind our house ‘3-Including te ones that were supposed to stay Navy Blue,really be paying attention, Because they fill their sales pitches with cleverly worded phrases and facts that sound like one thing, but actually mean another. Watch now, as MAD exposes... IN TV COMMERCIALS WRITER: Tom KOCH Yes! did, Mr. Reimers? Half K) of my class brushed regularly ._ Bf with Grepse Toothpaste while rushing home from school* ff ‘the other haif used a brand. }f totel his parents some Mi “Wehout nuorides | was wonderful news.? You took Menu ceepse srou, a art in an unusual test recently, didn’t you, Booby? 1—The Hollywood Training School for Child Actors. 2-Hed receive an A+ in “Product-Testimonial Sincerity”. ‘SHFor the usual fc, of course. 420r any other normal toothpaste ingredients. Infact, T think it was airplane glue in unmarked tubes. ‘5-Which is what was expected, since Thad 49% fewer teeth ''m glad | sat down and hed a talk with my Provincial ‘Agent. | always assumed that the sole purpose of Life fter my loved ones when | was ‘and to free myself from finanelal worries in my retirement years.* 1-Becawe if had to stand after sceing how long he talked, my feet wouldve given out. ‘2-ut | warwrong about that, With the fat commision the Agent collect, I've also looked after his loved ‘oncs when he's gone ‘3-Plus the help ofall the money I could borrow to take ‘out these new policies 4-Itimy children ever get exible enough to be educated. ‘5-Which would've been nice, except that Ihad to sell smiy home to buy the policies to protect the investment don't have any more. ‘6-Now the only financial worries Vl have in my retiemment years is where to get money to pay my insurance premiums,OFF BUT STILL “ON” DEPT. After watching Show Biz Celebrities chat- ting on TV, after seeing them table hop at fancy restaurants, and after reading those ridiculous things about them in the gossip columns, we started to wonder: Just where does the Unreal Celebrity end, and where does the Real Person begin? And then a horrible thought occurred to us, mainly: What if one doesn't end, and what if one doesn't begin? In other words, what if Celebrities always talk and act the same, whether they're in the spotlight or out of it? Here, then, is how we at MAD picture SHOW BIZ CELEBRITIES IN ORDINARY LIFE SITUATIONS The Mystery Guest Relative well start the questioning with my wwite Allright, members of the Daly family, you've bbeen weering your blindfolds all day now walting forthe arrival of our famous relative! "And here he is! Won't you come in, Mystery nd SIGN IN PLEASEI? The Guest Garbage Dumper Hi, Bing! Weleome tomy garbage cant ‘So wonderful of you to drop over! Thanks, Judy! It was swell of you to invite me here with my garbage to bo a "Guest Dumper" at your great trash can! _y Especially since my can is ll full The Table-Hopper In His Own| Welcome home, Phi, dear I've a great table for you—right ‘iear the kitchen door! You ean be n by everyone of importance who comes through the house . ‘the Plumber, the TV Repairman, ‘the man from Internal Revenue | ‘You look fantastie, Doll Oh— ‘there are some people | know on ‘the other side of the kitchen! Mind if table hop ‘Are you now | | Uhubt appearing in fre you going, to appear at ‘any family functions in the next month? '3 bread box on Broadway?You've got some | wonderful garbage in| your bag tonight Bing! The egg shells look fabulous, and the melon rinds smell ‘divine! Kitchen Dad—sweetie! Great seeing. ‘you again! J/are you making || Uh-uht | guest speeches: for the John Birch Society | this week Well, I'm pretty lucky, Judy!) Thave some wonderful people helping me make ‘this wonderful garbage! My wonderful wie Kathy. and ry wonderful hungry kids, Harry, Dennis Lindsay. Ls Caught you shaving this morning, Pop, baby! Fabulous strokes! ‘Shall wedo a duet, “lady? | Try the chicken fricassee. tonight, sweetheart It's ‘beautiful sorry, everybody, but you have failed to guess the hiyatery Guest Relative, It's Chef Justice Earl Warren of the U.S. Supreme Court! Garbage. Garbage: the meal ai row ux Remember this | fone, Bing... ?) You're the sop! Yourea hunkot af Look, everybody, let's see more of each other! Why don’t you give me ‘2 cal? I'm in the book! Oh, there's Someone | know in another part of the kitchen! Mind if table-hop? Look, you know the rules in the Daly house, We wear blindfolds| all day until the Mystery Guest Relative arrives—but onco he ‘reveals himself, all family members must remove them! about this one. 7 [And what Someday top, You and the Night and the Garbage AR, Phil, baby! Fido, sweetie! ‘You took fantastic! ‘So who's 2 family member? I'm ‘a burglar! I've been casing this joint since 8:00 AM, and you never knew ii Now, where's the money and jewelry, Mac?A Medley Of Clichés From A Great Old Aunt (508) Well, Marvin, I'd lhke to start off my performance ‘5 usual by sobbing for a “They don't I'd lke to few hours! And then, 1° ike clichés) say... (S03) to say... (S08) h Folks, it's hear It for the pride of the Tucker family-—a ving legend’ in Family Biz who's visting us tonight! She. is one of the warmest, most Beautiful, | (SOB) For my ‘Aunt Sophiel)_ next remark, ‘And finally, Vd tke to say... (S08) ‘Thank you, and God biess you! Whattya say, folks? ‘Are we going to let her go off with ‘emotional people | know! What clichés are you going todo forustonight, ‘Aunt Sophie? my lit sitting 0 ‘Aunt Sophie! How ‘about your al time favorite: “We should see more of each other"? ‘Aunt Sophie, how about: We should How come] there are two caskets, Bobby? Folks, we're going to have a real fun-burial today! Help yoursolves to the hors. oeuvres! The ones with the black toothpicks are for the immediate family 1'm sorry you lost your Aunt, doling! iephew Westbrook ere? | just can't ‘get over how he's grown! Thank you! You're @ wonderful, wonderful for my encore, 'd like to introdues a cliche written by my ‘own Aunt, back in 1896. ! hope you like it! ‘amily! And now. ‘Westbrook, my boy ... remember. Ws just ‘as easy to marry @ rich gil as a poor on j ae We're in luck, Sandrat Right after the scheduled funeral, ‘they're throwing a Sneak Burial for a famous show biz personality! ‘George, you go on right Listen, darting They're playing our song. .."The Rock lof Ages Bossa Nova"! ‘Almost! | need] ‘one or two more gags! Hey, Mor... how come ‘Aunt Sophie is smiling ‘now? How come she suddenly stopped crying? | pain! She only cries "when she's happyl Dine is especialy well plastered today, Sammy! Who's the ugly broad he's dancing witht Don't you know her, Frankie? That's the ‘deceased!JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART ItPREVIEWS OF DRUMMING-UP ATTRACTIONS DEPT. With all the supermarkets and discount centers being erected across the country in recent years, competition among these businesses has increased to a point where they have had to resort to some TODAY’S TYPICAL “SALES For “Shopping Centers”... is Week [dee OIL |] wee rezoned beat this Grand Opening! | (Grana opening? noma ‘Tobey OWLY FROM &% To PM. Wicks sole noted autor | Decor hand to give out autographs! ats so amazing about that?]| Hello, there 71 Wipes rotten skater! Give tinests Stpple ime a par of skates and can Fist Federal Fiest FEDERAL || “to exacty the same thing! i Savings Bank {= Teleprompter—er—uh—t imean...my... heart ARTIST: PAUL COKER IR. ENTER the BIC MK ci ary ll eoseani-us" Aw AULExPENSE 9010 TRIP To PaILADELPAN aR ONE WEEK That wae a ridiculous mistake, wasn't it? ‘Actually it was supposed to be a Humphrey Bogart aes Salet No, thank you! | live In Greenwich Vilage— Til take the dishes!extreme measures in order fo pull in customers. And now, to make matters worse, even conservative banks are following in their footsteps. For example, here are only a few of... institutions & PROMOTIONAL” - GIMMICKS Let's see—you've got 117 books of stamps You can trade them in You certainly know how ‘to hurt a guy, don't you? REDEMPTION Would you care Let's see Ge, ee pines a ATTENTION, PLEASE! FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES, ALL DOUGHNUTS AT OUR BAKERY COUNTER WILL BE SOLD FOR 10* EACH! THAT'S ACTUALLY NO SAVING IN PRICE, BUT THE FASTER WE GET RID OF THE DOUGHNUTS, THE GETTER ‘ARE YOUR CHANCES OF BEING SPARED ANOTHER EAR- GRATING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MY DRONING, NASAL VOICE! with this to try a sample Finnk Hot Dog? ewspaper coupon, you! get 7¢ off on a bar of Admiration Soap! tent that a wonderful Frm not eo sure now! ‘To get the coupon, | Couey sis our B¥-WoRD 200 Free Trading Stari | tried one five minutes gol Where's the giel with the sample Pepto-Bismol? had to pay 10¢ for a ‘newspaper that | it Your Checker Does if you close your mouth and sulk for 2 while! and it's worth $3000—and that gun was Gen. Grant's, and it's worth $2700—but that gun ver there with the words “Junior Ranger” on. it looks lke one of my kid's toys! How ‘could that gun be worth $189,007, That's how much itwas worth to Louis Fenwiek when he robbed this bank witht last month! You say that i] deposit $25 a woek beginning this Christmas, in 52 weeks I'l have earned $1,300? Listen, | can earn that amount by putting the money in ‘an old soek! | mean, you don’t even pay interest of dividends or anything on iti? Tell me, how Could Christmas Clubs possibly brighten up my Christmas? You bet R] saves you the inconvenience of standing on ‘those endless lines at the "Tellers" Windows! | don’t know about your Christmas, ‘but they certainly brighten Up OUR Christmas!Naturally, it follows that with competition getting rougher and rougher in other fields every day, it's only a matter of time FUTURE “SALES & PRO FOR EVEN MORE CONS For “Hospitals”... TATTENTION PLEASE! ANNOUNCING A SPECIAL SALE IN OUR OPERATING ROOM! FOR THENEXT 15 MINUTES, THERE WILL Hospi {TAL | Ha-ha-nat Aren't BE A 25% DISCOUNT ON ALL HERNIA OPERATIONS! ALL exe AUIS those two Creus VisIToRS ANXIOUS TO CASH IN ON THIS iG SAVING BUT NITED | "ctowns a riot? ‘WHO DON'T HAVE HERNIAS YET ARE ADVISED TO TRY OPENING ee TTHE WINDOMS IN OUR OVERHEATED SEMI-PRIVATE ROOMS! Pe ee | No don't Bing Gen tars you ue Youn Water , =— "6 What a day | had at the office—buying, selling, maneuvering, wheeling and dealing! Boy, my nerves are al tied up in knots! I've got to um change of pac Hello, dear I've been thinking! Wasn't that considerate of me ‘not to kiss you this morning so your office wouldn't eateh? Listen, Sturdley, have no more of . ‘your stupid mistakes! Remember be replaced easily—by an LB.M. machine! ‘You call this a letter? With two erasures? Why ‘don’t you learn to type? That's not typing you're doing, that’s hunt-and-pecking!T've been trying to solve a problem atthe office for ‘weeks now! Allright long, I've had a troubled sleep! 'And just now, In sort ofa halfdream, the solution ‘came to me! Quick! Hand me pencil and paper so I can write it own before | forget it! ‘When | eame to this town, | ‘Now | work 18 hours a day—| ‘only had $23 in my pocket! So 7 days a week—with no took a job for $15 a week— ; vacations—and | awe my ‘and worked & hours a day—5 days, ‘creditors over $50,000! ‘2 week-with 2 weeks vacation! - J Gee, Boss—I bit off little more than | could chew sven I bought the ‘new howto! Then of eourse, my Alright wife was sick, and m r Hola it that put me into an right ‘even worse hole! therett ‘of thousands of dollars thousand dollars is beyond WHATS THISH? FIFTY-FIVE But, Mr, Maxwelll | don’t To tel the truth, numbers CENTS FOR A LONG DISTANCE | | get iti You dealin hundreds ‘baffle mel A hundred PHONE CALLH ALL RIGHT— WHO'S THE BIG SPENDER | | every day! Why should such a ‘my comprehension . « WITH MY MONEY?! ‘small amourt bother you!‘Now what's wrong? “in regard to Inventory build-up and rising labor costs, siggle the mpmh and muggle all eobsko ugelohmps."?2? YAAAAHHHHI [Anni The sun's in its heaven, ‘my problem is solved, and all's right with the world! Where's ‘that Idea | wrote down? i Boy, this teenage party of Hey, kid! Ask me How's business? | { Eccechhh! ‘Okay! Now I can write this You've been beating around the bush—| hinting for a raise—so let's discuss it First of al, the company can’t afford it! Second, you don't even deserve it! And third—the fact is, we were thinking of letting you go... 'No, Boss! You've got me all wrong! 1m not hinting for a raisel I"m just trying to explain to you why Til be leaving in two weeks! I've taken a new job that pays me much morat ‘Now let's not get excited, Gormley! We need you here! I'll meet their pce! In fact, give ‘you ten dollars more! No, twenty! Er—thirty? His business is falling—his world is collapsing about hhim—and yet he walks straight with his head held hightDON MARTIN DEPT. PART II one, CC((UEY iN!oy) OUT, DAMNED SPOT! DEPT. ES ‘Some time back (MAD #81), we published “The MAD Plan For Beating TV Commercial Breaks” which offered suggestions and methods for effectively, productively and enjoyably filling the valuable time taken up by idiotic TV ads. Now, MAD offers the following article for those lazy slobs who just cannot bring themselves to leave their TV set for something constructive ...who just sit there, enduring the pain of those ridiculous commercials. For you, MAD has created these TV-COMMERCIAL AIDS OR, HOW TO LIVE WITH TELEVISION COMMERCIALS— AND STILL NOT GO OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVIN’ MIND ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE fom aa to dhe moronic, he neurotic andthe Juseplainsich "there's aspect to all 4 ent’ during Tate ‘evening hours wi ‘atch the sound st majorit ntaneously creat imi e and ford ‘the one shown above. Unfortunately, this has nuisance. jes limitations since it can only be used once al 37A SIMPLE REMOTE SOUND-CONTROL DEVICE THAT ANYONE CAN MAKE speaker has two wires € and D which come from TV chassis. asiemble and install, so ask to help ¥ Cut one of these and connect ends of A and B to cut ends ‘A and B lead (rom ordinary “On-Of” switch X (purchased of speaker wire as shown up dravring. Tape bare at any hardware store) to TV set speaker Y. Note that TV. splices, and your Remote Control is ready for operation. ADDITIONAL COMPONENTS THAT COULD MAKE For the really dedicated TV-Commercial hater, the enough. So here are more sophisticated approaches simple Remote Control “Sound-Off" Unit may not be to the problem. These can be assembled and instal- FUNNY MOUTHINGS UNIT MUSICAL INTERLUDE UNIT This is a simple Remote Control e z For many, a silent picture on TV may seem out of place, For those who may find ridiculous dialogue synchronized so this lighthearted device can be fun, Tt consists of with a TV-commercial equally boring, this simple unit can pretaped hilarious dialogue which replaces the words of be employed. It consists of recorded musical selections ‘sound is Knocked off, which start playing awomatically when sound is kn the commercial announcer whe ie than it actually is. off. You listen to soothing melody while announcer mimes. and makes his pitch even mor MOST COMPLETE REMOTE CONTROL UNIT POSSIBLE is a poor substitute for live TV, travel pictures or action sho mne' unit will solve every problem. A motion smouthings, or musical 3 picture projector unit is coupled with all the others to of bods. In fact, when TV progr 38 fo om when sound is knocked off. Along with preselected provides good uninterrupted feature-length entertainment.VIEWER ENJOYING HOMEMADE “TV-COMMERCIAL SOUND-OFF” DEVICE AND NOW A MEFoo, EROM Stier SS4ge — ith this simple Remote Control Unit—just what fun it is, when you realize that you're destroying a iger and You've knocked off the sound commercial chat cost a sponsor maybe 350,000 or more to cred ineffective an offensive TV commercial! And produce with a switch that cost you maybe 50¢ to produce! TELEVISION VIEWING ALMOST WORTHWHILE led in one or more units, depending upon how much business. Just look how much of it has been spent time and money one wants to waste on this silly already just to bring you this ridiculous article. DRAW CURTAIN UNIT STILL PICTURE UNIT This component is designed for those viewers who prefer not to have the al interludes marsed by repugnant pictures. Te automatically closes curtain over TV screen this component can be a iy ‘when music comes on, eliminating disgusting views of bad fallcolor photo that is both pleasant and. inspirational breath, gasyy stomachs, etc, s0 viewer cam cata snack. to Took at while listening to music and eating’ 4 snack. MOST EFFECTIVE REMOTE CONTROL UNIT POSSIBLE However, after carefully checking out this season's TV of exposing yourself to television brainot, your mind offerings, we've come 0 the conclusion chat the programs can be elevated and nurtured by more worthwhile pursuits. fare just as irritating as the commercials, and that this Like reading, Crinstance. And we're not walking about is the best remote control unit you can use. Now, instead reading this rag, you clod! Try something constructive!JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART IllDEPT. And now, in the tradition of “Flying Ace” (Map #93) and “Son Of Mighty Joe Kong” (Map #94) which you all loved . . . er—liked . . . well—tolerated . .. Map once again returns to the era of “Gutsy Movies” when men were men, women were women, and would-be musicians preferred to become Prize Fighters because they had Frankiel What happened to you? | ere You don't nage ike today! Frankie, don't talk like that! You break a mother's heart! And you don’t exactly do wonders for the livert You forget about fighting and go upstairs and practice your Oearinal Someday, you're gonna play in Carnegie Hall! Besides, it'llgive us a chance to use that corny old “transition scene”—where we see alittle boy playing an Ocarina badly, growing up into ‘handsome young man, stil playing an Ocarina badly! Se a cad Ada De ear raGy‘Anh, that’s better! Hey, Mal Look what '2 handsome guy | ‘grew up into while playing my Ocarinat {t's no use, Mal I've made up my mind The Ocarina isn’t for met I've gotta learn how to fight! | got {CRAZY FISTS! know it dovsnt make any sense, , Mal Oh, these “Special Effects” guys ‘ ‘No son of mine is gonna learn to be 1 stumble-bumble fignter—alwa hitting people... «nd punching people! And knocking ‘people down! How do you think I'd feel knowing my son is beating up people? tupl I'm goin’ to the Gym, Mom—and you can’t stop me! Hello, ki! The Te's about time you fellers in the neighborhood give you a going-over? them cliches about the |Gee, I'm | : Here Down!? You crazy kid! | | Look at these ‘And you're tet me’ [no, please! | Doyou knowwhatit |) | nandst These [those | honest, toot Irish, toot help you, | NY don't || took to go up against arenttthe | arewe | That's another Pe sok |. Mona - id!" ] jie anyone | Brviser Cowalsky? It hands ofa | myhendst | thing you don't | £r2mKie! | coat | What's took guts! Guts and fighter! | Those are. | see in the Fight | frankie 2 nice They're soft | my gloves: | Game! What's ir to see me [RR Siren rn STUPIDITY! ps ol LE | andwarm.-t] These are | Your name, kc? MF > J down! fw set" ay ’ || You probably think it's strange that 9 girl would come to 2 Training Gym not writing about baby bears, | come here No, he was killed ] inthe Living Room! Mom caught him with right cross to the Ball bladder! ne nig ‘after night-—tstening to the ‘audience screaming for blood— ‘he dull sound of leather hitting These were the best years of my life! But my mother hated it‘Why should we stop You? if we stopped you, we wouldn't get tosee those typical Don't let the fight |] It’ Jzame—with all ofits 1 iNmaiz .oser ] Me an the boys have sx hundred grand bet on the fight—and it says " ruvicutous! you're gonna | eae my Mom her $1500 in your syndicate's counterfeit money for you! | | courdn't help overhearing the conversation, [Could you ever Then you'll ether | Frankie! | was standing outside with my ear ie at yourself have to play it to the keyhole --- in a mirror again fair... or stop if you threw shaving! shat fight, Ka? ‘And in this corner ... the up-and-coming contender who has pulled so many surprises inthe fight ring neTHE THE INDIGNANT HUSBANDWE TAKE A STAND ON THE EXTREME RIGHT WITH THIS MAD FOLD-IN Super-Patriotic Groups throughout our land are warning us that America is doomed unless we take drastic measures to preserve our freedom now—before it is too late. If you fold in the page as shown (right), you will discover... THE HARVEST WE SHALL REAP FROM THE SUPER-PATRIOTS’ METHODS OF EXPOSING “COMMUNIST PLOTTERS” IN AMERICA FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT x EB FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “8” Oa } Shas. THE SUPER-PATRIOTS SEE “COMMUNISM’” AS AN EVIL DANGEROUS TREND OF LIBERAL THINKERS AND BLEEDING HEARTS. THE JOHN BIRCH SOCIETY AS WE | “"s*™ Were: KNOW IS A GROUP OF ‘100% AMERICANS": TRYING TO DO THEIR BIT! a> “BLet’s Nh off RIDICULOUS AD CAMPAIGNS Before Our Minds Go SNAP! CRACKLE & OOM-PAH-POP! If you advertisers have to blow your own horns, why tie your products to unrelated activities? Mainly, what's» eating a Breakfast Cereal got to do with playing a musical instrument. Boy... we just can’t swallow that! “Nuts to you each morning’ Photography by IRVING "KRISPY” SCHILD