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    Revista MAD nro 142

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    93 views52 pages

    Revista MAD Nro 142

    Uploaded by

    Lucho
    Revista MAD nro 142

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    of 52
    Believe [ivr Nuts! , Whe WOT KNOCKED? OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING BY WORLD WAR AIRPLANES--NOR 7I7 HE FALL OFF! 7 a TO? OF He CHRYSLER BULOING { JA il WEVER rose7 Nut — =a h yay y Bie 242: #27.000,000 | ia? ? subnitfed by f THE PRODLCERS OF ia fetes BOBECAROL & TEDAALICE MMM) ‘cvs canawa naceo cn Dp’ , mI sat FEWAG WL HE Wis PERFORNING Hib NOHTTNE JOB Ae ANABC-TVENGNEER WHEN, Erna ne Weck Seve NE lene SOO eerie! NUMBER 142 APRIL 1971 VITAL FEATURES WEST COAST If you want to see 85, don't look for it on the speedometer! STORY ~Alfred E, Neuman (AMUSICAL SATIRE) WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pod JOHN PUTNAM ay director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN astociate editors JACK ALBERT law GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, ‘CURTIS ANDERSON, RICK SMITH subscriptions ‘CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side OF Love 5 2-80 BETTER READ THAN RED DEPARTMENT Communism—Revisited Gece? CONVERSATION PIECE DEPARTMENT Telephone Taps We'd Like To Hear e 26 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT “sr ‘One Night In The Acme Ritz Central Arms Ete, Hotel 29 a ‘On The "Hunchback Of Notre Dame” Set 4 PARENT? ENVIRON-MENTAL ILLNESS DEPARTMENT past MAD Salutes The Output OF American Industry 23 EXTREMIST UNCTION DEPARTMENT “West Coast Story" (A MAD Musical Satie) .... 4 FOWL PLAY DEPARTMENT Hawks & Doves... 15 HEAVEN-SENT DEPARTMENT Children's Letters From God 40 LIGHTER SIDE OF IF IT'S SATURDAY, IT MUST BE BOREDOM DEPARTMENT LOVE "My Three Sonnyboys” (A MAD TV Satire) 43 Pg. 30 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT. ‘Spy Vs. Spy 34, 42 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 MA AND PA-THETIC DEPARMENT ‘What Is A Parent? 24 man's MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT DIRTY OLD rawn-Out Dramas” by Aragones “ THE YEAR PAIN INTHE ADS DEPARTMENT a8 Niolen PY Commercials 8 TEENY:BOPPER-POPPA DEPARTMENT MAD's Diny Ole Man Or tne Yer... 88 THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE TRITE DEPARTMENT Horritying Clichés rey) **Various Places Around The Magazine MY THREE SONNYBOYS (ATELEVISION SATIRE) Pag. 43 We Hold These Books To Be SHELF EVIDENT yA Declare Your Independence! Order Any Or All. FORTY-EIGHT IRRIO PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— ‘OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 60¢ EACH -~-- use coupon or duplicate -- MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME Toe MAD Reader Burin MAD MAD Strikes Back Good 1? MAD Cs MAD Hopping MAD ‘Suteny MAD (Che Portable MAD 2th Brothers man CUMAD Power (ithe Gedsise ma C1 DON MARTIN steps ut (C1 Son of MAB COR MARTIN Bounces Back [CiThe Organization man] DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories Clk wan MAD's Captain Kitz (Cithe des of an C1 DOM MARTIN Cooks More Tales [CDAVE BERG Looks at the USA (C)DAVE BERG Looks at People SPY ys. SPY Follow tp File (CIAMAD Look t Old Movies The MAD Sampler Retum of MAD Old Movies (Ci World, World et. map. CIALIAFFEE's Snappy Answers Raving MAD D The NAD Book of Mage ‘EiBoiting MAD CD Aragones's "Viva MAD" ‘Gldvestonable wan Cl Arapones's MAD About MAD Homing wad MAD for Better or Verse (5h indigestible map Sing Along With MAD I ENCLOSE 60¢ FOR EACH (Minimum Order: 2 Books) NAME. ADDRESS. cry. see STATE 2-cope spear om See ae LETTERS DEPT. DORIS DAZE SHOW “The Doris Daze Show" was grext! I just wish they'd show your version on TV Ingead of the real thing. Dan Needham Leavenworth, Kansas ‘There's only oe problem with your Doris Daze Show.” In the second pine, she had 174 freckles. le panel four, 17 freckles. I hope Angelo Torres will atten his are work next ime. reg Keilin Foster City, Calif Doris Day is a clean, wholesome per son, and if that’s 2 crime, we're in sad shape Washington, D.C GRAVE MEANING Your back cover “ad” for Winsom was like a breath of fesh ar. Bruce Allen Ridgewood, N.J A brilliant takeoff on one of the most moronic ad campaigns I have ever seen (the good grammar or good taste idiocy). Another great anci-smoking triumph Leonard Lipton Bromx, N'Y. The" Winsom’ ad was the gr smoking thing you've done! { see that you still don't want people to commit suicide with cigareres. You'd rather have them die laoghing! David Ia Ru N: Mian Be FOOTBALL FAN "You Know You're Really A Football Fan When...” you pue down your MAD Magazine to watch the Boston-Buflalo game, Kevin Healy New Britain, Conn, you roll up a copy of MAD and pasr it into the trash can! Steve Rollbubler Elyria, Ohio MAD CHRISTMAS CARDS "MAD Christmas Cards From Celebrities" was utterly: fantastic Mayhaps I mighe purchase a box from you next year, so get busy printing! Jet Ward Worcester, Mass ‘Max Brandel couldn't have done a bet ter job! Jim Lozen Linden, Mich, “PUTRON” PATTER “Puckon’ was the most enjoyable piece of iterature I've read in ages. Ara member Of the armed forces, I must say thie men like Parton have made the Army what it is today. How’s chat for an ambiguiey? ‘SP4Denais McCann Fo Ord, Calif ‘Thank God there's someone else who saw the sickness in "Patton" that I saw, ‘Appel 1 thought your satire on “Patton” was fantastic!” My uncle says the article by Siegel was closer ro the crush chan che ‘movie, My uncle was one of the men Pat ton told: "We're going on a very danger- us mission. If anyone wants to withdraw, take six steps forward. But ie anyone tales those six steps, hell be shot!” This is treat general??? Mike Nichols Northwest Missouri State Maryville, Mo, ‘Your satire on "Patcon” was in extreme oor taste. You portray Patton asa sadist, Which he wasn't. He was a soldier doing his job in time of war. The object ofa war is to kill the encmy before he kills you. 1 agree Patton got the last drop of blood ‘Out of a man, but this is how he won bat thes for America. Patton would have taken Berlin if Eisenower heda't told him to wait for Russia and chen go in together Tye eajoyed your magazine, but cis satice was the worst saree SBuclid, Ohio Puckon” shows Larry Siege!’s inimit- able way of preserving the good parts of ‘movie, while ridiculing the bad parts of the movie, thereby making his satires of films even more entertaining thaa the films themselves. Kudos to Mort Drucker s bil Hane caicaare, 180. ym Bordnce ‘Woodbuen, Ind Congratulations to chat bunch of MAD: men who wrote "Putkon.” President Nix fon is alleged to have made his decision «© Send our troops into Cambodia after hav. ing seen the movie “Paton.” Pethaps, if ‘ur President bated his decisions on MAD satires, instead of cashy Hollywood ex- travaganzas, this country might turn out OK. Sam Freedman Highland Park, NJ. The creators of "Porton" should be jvena PAT ON the back for waiting such 18296? good satire In your story about Geneeal Pueton, at the end of World War Il, you show the Joint Chiefs of Staff fiendishly plotcing he up and coming wars, inelading Viee nam. ‘That's remarkably far-sighted of them, since it was ealled “Indo-China” in those days enhen Potter W. Los Angeles, Clif Stephen, just another glowing exemple of MAD‘ alert Counter intlligencel Ed, ‘MAD DRUG PRIMER You: "The MAD Blow-Your-Mind Drug Primer” was an excellent (and bit ter) satire on the drug problem in the ‘world today. Your concladiag’ conjec: {re, as to what becomes of al the money Drug Rehabilitation, is ng which is often ignored by those who at capeble of helping. Mark Hinckey Marge Weber, Sour magazine with more f the future. It is-a crying shame that the ‘oldce generation is such a rabble of hypo: rites. You pointed out this fact very nicely. Parents and adults in general cane poine an accusing finger as long as they Alepend on alcohol (a drug) sleeping pills tnd tanquilizers to get them through the day Joba R. Wood North Miami, Fla, Bob Clatke and Sp Reit have shown our so-called Vanishing America in just three pages with theic "Drug Primer." It's Anadeea Wolos Mincola, NY. very chapter in your "Drug. Primer,’ venfortunately, is very true and vety rele vant, Though T Like to laugh at MAD es, that one was £0 chought-provok Toulda’t laugh. Congratulations on fin excellent satire knocking both sider of the drug issue. Bessy Bi Houston, The MAD Blow-YourMind Drug Primer" was great and deserves HIGH praise (Christina Neumann Genural Islip, NY. BIRD BRAINED? Sergio Atagones! "A MAD Look At Birds" hit me right in he eye! Alan Cantor Montreal, Quebec, ADVICE COLUMNS ‘Advice Columas Throughout History’ was funny! Now here's some advice for you fellows athe publishing desk: keep up the good work! With reference to your, “Advice Col tumas Throughout History,” Oedipus was from Thebes, not Athens! David Bethes Funny, we did't have a change of addross on him Please Address All Correspondence Tor MAD, Dept. 142, 485 MADison Avenve New York, New York 10022 WHY NOT HAVE THE NEXT ISSUE SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME? ( a eek 2s A SUBSCRIBE TO LALIT 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 | enclose $5. aba me user *. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me ‘the next 15 issues of MAD Magazine. use coupon or duplicate ——. NAME. ADDRESS. cry. STATE. parable By terzationa Maney Orr or check down on 3 “st eid say tera hans re ‘it 18 week or uber ese jena the ass 59 EHEER OR MOWEY ORDER PREFERRED! Se PO) at ~e meek oe Orie Valerie diss EXTREMIST UNCTION DEPT. Remember “West Side Story” and its tough-talking teenage gangs who started rumbles, and danced, and sang songs to Officer Krupke? Well, a lot has happened in the last few years, and the young ex- tremists of today who occupy whole city blocks and take on hundreds of police sure make the gangs in “West Side Story” look like a bunch of little old ladies. Which is our sneaky way of letting you know that MAD is about to present its new, up-dated version of that famous musical: Act1, Scene 1: A Meeting Of The “RATS", A Group Of Militant Extremist Freaks LOM ‘Okay, ereeps, let's simmer downt ‘When youre a Rat | aup|When you're a Rat chners evolutionary ophesvls Hemost ta city word [Se ¥00 ep bonging the Plas ¥ tebscly Scale ets foes ean oso [ein a sen, faethe burning American ey Ge fag, and sing the Rat's Anthem 1) be You mess up the ite In any institation; A Wherever thore's strife, You make @ contribution— Like revolution! ther youre a Rat EAM wee youre ara Mind ester you ong, | rgd sone att prech, foucanayioyeursel WA \ Gromnnin ow on tenso You're just doing your thing! i It's your freedom of speech! qi ” ae a a a When you're a Rat You start rots and tight; it you're busted, just shout They're abusing your rights! COAST STORY Mies aS MENSA ‘Okay, gang! Up to now we've been playing Wj ott all planned! Next weet =| 7% foots with the Establishment Wrecking veeccohetearanower [f Sutwnat || Today we're gonna Political conventions, turning lesitimate | failure during "the Red Shelton [| about now2| | smash the supreme 2] Jpeace marches into nets, blowing up banks, we gotta ff ey care erat the ‘ombolot pouring give into computers—thats just “un their begin an intensities graft wnat | [American decadence! hi stuf We gotta start hiting the [] LEISURE jeampaign which inks Jim Nabors ff canwe | |We're gonna show our squares where itl hurt’em the most! _[] TIME! ‘with cancer! Then we'll booby. ff mess up || might by taking over AG Wap barbecue pts in suburbiat ff today? Disneyland : a Act, ene 2 2 in man igs, five mig, it mio Rarricade et Olaneyiana I ait rostes thon u ot t They’ Wi nian hey tron tar we're reo soy! and L ll smash any Pig in our way! ES.2 (in ion 7% | They never wil repel us, | Cause should they eve smo us YY | They'll tose their will to fight! Wit fright, They'll split the bloody ‘scene we ignite with might how they'relined || the Rats | | I'm talking up, screaming at | | “Yeaty us, hopingwe'll | | fmean ‘ovor-react! isiness! reporter: peat atthe =<} rm not talking jrotten punks! Look| {" Yeah, | | about the Rats!| Fi i bus Spray some Mace for us, seat convened tora [Right now! Crunch a skull for ual] Bateaaria tren pera ane Ler at parte | Swing your clubs and tonight you'll see| | You")! make a big front-page headline!{ | dull for us! 24 Everyone ofyouon TV? Please don't forget we've a deadtne! || Ityou rive thom | orsernwrinroge. |__| wit tne musoment page! Don't wait !|1\ Move int | Right now! || Va\ ee, 7 Vet ete iP oa ley ne of the Why) Jeatedme ana] ——— — ony family | [The | everytinny LJ wath ||) | same inthe F always book! Boy. | | hurts! | | thurs “| [emen.] [coor itt We don't | punks!| | punks different We'll be singing| \Gauly einging! |Wettbe singing ane ‘oriaglag ther ch hit | | wanna lok ed the the cops did in club | | chicago! This time all | Junie we.can be seen,| [Don’t star them | |'at least, we're going rotten | | to greet the little ‘See the fink reporters What rebeling! ‘Son, even though you! al waiting there— immoral, disgusting, ana Hoping that us cops will ook bad! fwantiadestroy the There's a guy trom “Lite; i'a good boy! Ci the things that mi this nation great country, know you're back home with me! In le we stil value Trigger, | Reader's Digest, FEO | Howard Johnson's, John Wayne, The ‘American Legion, ‘Smilin’ Jack ake ‘Gan it, Pop! I've found a new home in the Militant Underground! tell you all... no, Fil sing you all about it [row ouaht io come back to Mave! 2! fee! all ight inthe Underground! ‘No one's uptight inthe Underground! Than Trove redo Tire i ee 1 Ware ven mauiotte om avan]|| Iapand each phn th Dnrgauna! || [Tinowa ous at] Bommbed out of sight in the Underground! *Sung to the tune of “/ Like It Here In America” Vv Lite's nota bore in the Underground! I'v trends galore in the Underground! Fitty or more in the Underground, All share my tor in the Underground! [Week you go on Imay be ill] ii (aierentnrn a ) | [Sutin Cots atte 2 EY AS ied ‘no sweat In the Under Like, man, we're set inthe Underground! Ia Bh Welfare we get In tho Underground rate put down! Fol z)) it simple people in our town! “Everyone knows inthe Underground! Anything goes in the Undergrou ‘Actors give shows in the Underground! ‘Sometimes with clothes in the Underground! | ices) “alien in Midvlel Act 2, Scene 1 The California Governor's Mansion They were =|The newsmen! too busy - ‘busting skulls! =| tomake Governor of whom? We've gt] [How can wo? 4 Hollywood couldn’t— Where ese? Inhis private screening applauding imselt in King’s Row!" [fm sure that finding it takes skill! | \ Governor Reagan, the Rats are revolutionizing Disneyland! They've replaced Davy Crockett with ‘Che Guevara in Frontieriand! They've turned the “Seven Dwarfs into Vietcong Infltrators in Fantasyland! And the Journey Through Outer ‘Space is now an Acid Trip in Tomorrowland! Gentlemen, | | >* Militia st ‘muitiat = if thisisa” ||! have to call up the Militia! |_|] 11 just have to send the Mittiat || Set ‘em loose and the law they'l maintain there! time for Ls troops are trained fo kill = They'll meren with flags unturled x Mf they don't, then I'l just send John Wayne there [And they could use a drt, [5] Just ke they're tighting World {J} militiat f Wart! Tm going to cal the Mite! a ey Act 2, Scene 2 ‘But if you send] | Disneyland] re right! we can’ jsneyland | s there'llbe’ |, tonto wentiveness, ingenuity, and greed! ah ei “There's only one thing to do! The Hey Cosmo! There's a hile I'm gone, finish big | [wr Establishment must go to the Rats delegation from the Estab- ‘and appeal to their patrioticinstinets! | lishment at the main gate! : Ea gl They wanna make a deal! y ii ; f 7 your ono ho 7 op [you wort} [Crime doesnt] [ Dear kindly Mistr Hoover preetere Peso ere et get say wettstynere,| | ister to. || pay! Gwe. | | Youve hata long carer! ¥ ee Well stay here, me, maybe] | yourselves | | in nineteen ninety-sover We'd like to oblige you, but ane thing is clear—| bisa heat pe ae We jale ost aserl You've ea an og, 0 We'l stay ero! isten to [| can throw | | know you woul Tiowver! | | ‘at yout |) Jumpn dont Dart youwieh you could! er Hoore, nro -| {| {eve unl Mavbe you “fewont g0% fl den rigen "| |[csnectto tem, at By | wise ateatamartienyer|| Wevwitfoln | i | | rf tree us on belt || "Fit {you boys ere v9) etre weve conites || wha the not in good homes ‘dtcscodinncon, || Wo'l ent vie areal wall st' plone ‘nn Despite these ‘nd en Fla idol disadvantages, : tenor too id Ba Join Fidel? | late to save indly Bly Gra-ham, tellus you're forreal! we might confuse you With Norman Vincent Poale! The big-shots like your preaching; They really make a fuss! Golly Goad Book! Why save punks likous? Roverend Billy, you really ain't hip! We'll ting our own salvation on wild, acid tip! We'd rather freak outwith Tim Leary instead; "Cause al of us fee! God fs dead! Dear kt Ph [eaten sues Let me make this esr kindly Richard Nixon You've headaches by the scoro— perfectly lear Ae aevate And Spiro and the war! ‘Although those weighty problems| May be an awtul chore Thanks... 10...us... You've ‘gota zillion mors Thats cause | creepy bunch | of rotten Righ | don't know We're] | We know how ‘about that! the || to take care Look what's | |Cruds!| | of that creepy bunch of rotten marching up i the road Left Wingers! ‘tiooks | We, ] [Nothing Tete | | filed| |"ean Ratsere || t || stop faking. | |reach|| them ‘over | |them!|| now! Why do you | ‘We don’t wanna So dowet | | Yeah, | [And we both And we b ‘So what Crudswantto | | save Disneyland! Wehatethe |.| You snow, | were | | the Yo star | [wanna mene the ssve Disneyana) | squares as much az you do! We|:| vor gauge ote ul forthe, | |jutite pound’ the hell out and bug people and wreciin’ the placa | | theres! [+ aE a [= wi ion wi apne = ennai (Our forces will unite! This nation we will blow up | Weil greet vou at With might we'll have you slobs at our foot! Until you want to throw up yw With might, with mi, From rots we incite! Ht i} on yi nex! bloody fight) iS Weil fi the fand with iight! We won't stop til he jo is complete! VETO ile BETTER READ THAN RED DEPT, Ata hi GOMMUNISM AN UP-DATED PHOTOGRAPHIC “MAD LOO TRUTHS” PROCLAIMED BY THE FOUNDING = 3 uaa “Bourgeois Society is lacking in heroi: KARL MA “The Proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains... KARL MARX & FRIEDRICH ENGELS Manifesto OF The Communist REVISITED = K” AT SOME OF THE SO-CALLED “ETERNAL FATHERS OF THE ee REVOLUTION e cannot take “The Workingmen have no countr from them what they have not got KARL MARK & FRIEDRICH ENGELS Manteto Of The Gormunit Party, Section I 1g ideas of each age have been the ideas of its Ruling Class...” KARL MARX & FRIEDRICH ENGELS Manifesto OF The Communist Paty. Section I ‘NEW YORK, TUESDAY, WaaNUARY 12 Ta §}2 Soviet Authors Are de neteal [Sinyavsky Is Given 7 Years.| Court Finds Works Published bi Daniel § at Hard Labor | Abroad Harmed Regime ‘ON TRIAL: Soviet wriers Yuli M. Danie ni D. SESETBC onal seer of Moston nt cast hn wah must become a part of the Prol “Capitalism is decaying . JOSEPH sTaLn ‘With H.G. Wells, July 23,1994 jan cause arty Literature, "Nowaya Zhan (How Life), Nov. 18,1905, “Follow your bent, no matter what people say...” KARL MARK Das Kept praa” eeey “ “Man debases himself by idolatry . . .” KARL MARX. Holy Family “Soviet Power is a new type no Bureaucracy, no Police, no Sta aS = ‘NEW VORK, MONDAY, MARCH 3,780 Soviet and Chinese Clash on Border; \{ Tench Lists Deaths in Siberian Incident] \ Fie Moscoo Hor Grodzly ‘Bail Up ls Troops “The hostility of one Nation to another will come toanend.. KARL MARX & FRIEDRICH ENGELS Marist Of The Communist Pay, Section “Can a Nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot... ae Collected Works, ath Edo emvien ol. 20, po. 413 Capitalism will kill competition . . KARL MARX @ HANKS &. DOVES PRIVATE DOVES KT PAIN IN THE ADS DEPT. ing As a result of misguided pressure, violence has virtually disappeared from tele- ae vision. Today, instead of these good old stabbings, hangings, shootings and other assorted heinous killings, TV adversaries now talk each other to death, along with VIOLENT T'V THE COMET COMMERCIAL, SICK OF IT! SICK OF ITH ny little aly... a +o Ye the viewer as well. Which brings us to this article: It seems Madison Avenue is missing a good bet. Why not give the viewing public the violence it craves by slipping it into the Sponsors’ messages? Here are some MAD examples of . . OMMERCIALS GU-R-G-L-E | (Pippen, my cou wnat nave donor See oe a fp ZIG oh Don't worry, Mrs. Brown! New “SUPER COMET” with “Chiorinal” will clean up those messy bloodstains in a jiffy! ‘But when | hit ittle Tommy in the That's ‘cause Tommy is a smart boy! He ‘mouth... By golly, his teeth all uses “COLGATE” with “TOOT ENE ‘stay right where they Because sometimes he DISapproves... ‘And it costs SAVARIN plenty to keep replacing “El Exigentes” so oftentt ue GREEN ne ee Pee a NaN FRO eis WAN FROM JE! TWO. ‘mUGaERS | in TRoUBLe THE AJAX COMMERCIAL Hy, look. , WHITE TORNADO! =~ . AREAL white tornado! Left the town the Wi / way “Ajax” leaves a kitchen... CLEAN | i Then pack all those neat ite simple to chop the body up \ sandwich bags into one big "GLAD ie wrapesch pie ‘el Super-Strength Plastic Trash Bag”... Bag” with the pate = ‘One good shot Keeps me. fe er “And one good shot also keeps you from és i = ‘spying on my wife, Mona, in the shower THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE TRITE DEPT, Hey, gang! It’s time once again for MAD’s nutty old “‘Cliché Monster” game. Here's how it works: Take any familiar phrase or colloquial expression, give it an eerie setting so you create a new-type monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you're— Y— : Avoiding A CONFRONTATION Weighing An ALTERNATIVE Tickling A FANCY Controlling An IMPULSE G 8 Serving A SUMMONS a Pouring Oil On TROUBLED. WATERS. Pinon e nieve OS MAD SALUTES THE OUTPUT OF AMERICAN INDUSTRY MA AND PA-THETIC DEP’ WHAT IS ‘and the time your Army Sergeant introduces you to hand grenades, you can expect to waste about 15 years hollering across the Generation Gap at a couple of creatures called “Parents”. Unfortunately, itis futile to holler at Parents for the same reasons it is futile to holler at French Waiters: (1) They don't under- .d your language; (2) They're not even listening, and (3) They're usually hollering at you louder than you're hollering at them. B= the time your Kindergarten Teacher introduces you to hand puppets who dropped the fly ball in order to make sure he feels humiliated enough. They're the ones pushing the Supermarket carts loaded with the newest, awful- tasting stuff advertised as “vital to your growing child's health!” They're the ones leaving the porch light on so their teenagers can't do whatever teenagers supposedly do on dark porches. And they're the ones circulating the petition to have “Gray's Anatomy" banned from the local library as smut, I: easy to spot Parents in a crowd. They're the ones yelling at the Little Leaguer Democracy, but hot to the point of giving you a voice in what you eat for dinner. They understand Inflation, but they don't understand why you need 4 bigger allowance than they got 25 years ago. They're all for Drivers Education, but they don’t think passing the course qualifies you to drive the family car. And they advocate Free Speech, but they'd better not catch you using any around the house. Ts worst thing about Parents is that they're inconsistent. They believe in you that you can't sleep over your friend's house on Saturday night, or play the radio loud after nine o'clock, or do anything else you really want to do... and the Male-who takes an even more positive approach by saying, “Ask your Mother...” Otherwise, Parents are pretty much alike: Unreasonable, Unyi Unsympathetic, Uncooperative, Unrelenting, and Under the ridiculous impre that they know more about what's good for you than you do. I most other life forms, Parents come in two genders: The Female—who tells you enough to bake your favorite fudge cake ... and hate you enough Fine you to your room for snitching a piece of it. She will tell your you need special attention because you're a sensitive child ...and then chew you ‘out in public for needing special attention because you're a stupid ox. She will demand that you help with the housework because you're almost 15... and refuse to let you go out on dates because you're only 14. And she'll wait up half the night, fearing that you've been in an accident .... and then hit you in the head because you haven't been. ie behavior pattern of the Female Parent is most unpredictable, She will love PARENT? he'miraculous thing about a Female Parent is the way your latest girl friend's I can size you up so quickly. She knows immediately, permanently and un- shakeably about all the evil plans you have for her daughter ... even before you know them yourself. If you show up for'a date dressed casually, she knows you're a Hippie. If you wear a tie, she knows you're a Make-out Man. If you talk too much, she knows you're a Blowhard. And if you don't talk enough, she knows you're a Clod. But no matter how you dress, or talk, or act, she knows she didn't ‘aise her daughter to associate with a bum like you. you must first appreciate that he embodies many of the qualities of other Great Men. He has the quiet patience of Eldridge Cleaver, the unquestion- ing trust of J. Edgar Hoover, the forgiving nature of Spiro Agnew, the sense of justice of Mao Tse-Tung, the open-minded flexibility of Lester Maddox, the bound- less generosity of Vito Genovese, the disarming warmth of Don Rickles, the humane understanding of Mayor Daley, and the mature approach of Captain Kangaroo M ale Parents present an entirely different problem. To get along with yours, offspring. The subjects he most enjoys discussing during these heart-to-heart chats include: your low marks at school, your spotty attendance record at church, your weak showing in athletics, your poor attitude toward a career in den- tistry and your unreasonable feelings about his boss's ugly daughter. The subjects he least enjoys discussing include: his latest hassle with the Internal Revenue Service, his grounds for draft deferment during World War Il, his inability to quit smoking, and his close association with every bookie in town (and every secret in his office). 1 jn al, Parent just never seem to get with i. Becouse they lack a strong A social conscience, they've continued to eara enough money to feed, clothe and house you fo this point in your life. Because they inelt upon treating You as 4 child, they've managed lo provent you from accdertally killing yourelf At Tear dazen times before you goo this polnt And because af their stedgy vw todays changing vanes, ey've succeeded in epiag you tailing rey recon! when you could have become an accomplished Greenwick Vilege panhandler by now, E% so often, the Male Parent will make a stab at communicating with his i, with al of this shost-sightednoss and lack of understanding, Parents do G re coe il ncn Js thin of the ei ists od rom Practicing your guitar too long..-and the diamond needles you'd wear out from playing your Janie Joplin roca ll ight and the geo moncy you'd waste from revving up your hotrod in the driveway if there were no Parents around to it that familia, annoying ery: “STOP MAKING ALL THAT INFERNAL RACKET!” CONVERSATION PIECE DEP ‘According to newspaper headlines, wiretapping and bugging is becoming the favorite pas- time of our law enforcement agencies. Usually, the phones that are being tapped belong to Bookies or Mafia men, and the conversations are pretty dull, like: “Rocco, I want you TELEPHONE TAPS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD ARI ONASSIS and HOWARD HUGHES MRS. TINY TIM and her MOTHER You're leaving him, right? know it wouldn't fast call our Lawyer What's the lL know what you mean! Inflation is murder! Use tO. [|_| just paid $11 milion for a hotel could complain? il nave bought for a lousy $7 milion last year Ne Married a NOT leaving Tiny! | ike beina| married! to him! Its funt fll through! All men are beasts! Prices are ridiculous in Greece, too! You It'll set woulde’t believe what my wife is costing me! Mf you back Un... speaking of Jackle, that's why tim ‘ailing you! I've got a litie problem =. - But Tiny is different from other men! Friny is so kind ... so gentle! He even lets imeuse his hair curlers! And I let him use ll CHOKE! Birthday present?! | thought you were ‘my razor when he has to shave his legs! ret sPONONCE SETTLEMENT, and you Noting ine that Ws Joe's day, You want to eae ees eee ena and t want to give her something spe give her an atau ocean paar ootes | AEN ‘something she doesn't already have! I've ‘AIRPLANE ec - Secramathng nonnaond yu own fl eacTORE INow we have separate houses! fll gotta go, Vicki! Be sure} Tiny says it more sanitary! fMMland get me tickets for His house fs pink: the Johnay Carson mine's bluet ‘Show! No, you idiot! I want to give her LAS VEGAS! For when, Mummy? to hit jig Louie tonight!” or “Offer the Mayor a few grand! He’s on the take!” Well, we ig here at MAD feel that the FBI and newspaper readers would get a lot more fun out of tapping the phones of celebrities. For example, here are some MAD transcriptions of . . . WE’D LIKE TO HEAR PETE ROZELLE and JOE NAMATH ‘What's happening, Commissioner, Hello, Joe baby? Why this off-season call? Pete Rozelle, here! How doas this grab ‘you? Why not suspended unless | ‘sel my interest in Broadway Joe Restaurants”? Pm wortied, Joe's almost time for the Exhibition Game season s haven't announced nnwal Retirement from "Those “Namath Quits! stories are great publicity for stirring up interest? | know, Man! But business is lousy and a Hite publieity might help bring some customers in! ‘Nab We milked that bit dry with “Bachelors i"! Besides, Broadway Joes" are eating places... not booze joints! Itwon't work, Joe! No... .we had a brainstorming ssssion here and we came up with an idea that really scores a touchdown! Ready... You get married! ay! Then, just ‘And your wife doesn't want you te @ realizes how before the regular season starts, sl important footballs to you ana our American way ‘of life, and the two of you go on national TV and announce your UN-eti¥ement isn't that beaut? Joe? Joe Wie... you listening CLICK! E DON RICKLES and a WRONG NUMBER Sorry, but there's no Marvin here! Hou must have the wrong number! If i's the wrong number, how Jcome you answered it. Dum-dum? "You're beautifull The phone rang! What does it usually do, Genivs—whistle?! Don't interrupt me, Yo-yo It's my dime! And I've got some adviee for you! Next time you dial, don’t use the same finger you pick your nose| with! It gets the phone all messy Why should | call YOU, you Ring-a-dingl I don’t even’ KNOW you! You're a wrong number if | ever heard one! Look, Meathnead— {ell me your name so I'll re member never to call you again! This isa RECORDING! VICE PRESIDENT SPIRO AGNEW and MRS. AGNEW Hello, Spiro speaking ot “Spiro”, you dummy! "TED"! Who ever Tieard of & President named “SPIRO (Oh, hello, Dear! I'm glad you calieg! He—uh—he's sending TThope it's not Asia again! IW you've seen ane gook, you've seen “em all Vm afraid i's much worse! I's the Northeastern United States! Why can't Mr. Bigshot ‘and Her Royal Highness go? 1 bet this whole thing is Mitchells idea! I never di trust his witet ‘They have tickets for football game! Yes, dear! But the President and | feet we just can't write Off New York! Aftor al, they DO have some loyal Americans thare-—ike the ‘Construction Boys and the Dock Workers! 1 guess you're right! It sure was great when thay clobbered those Peaceniks! We ought to ship that whole mangey ‘menagerie of misfits off to Moscow! as, roy, that's prety good) Tey oy! Laan sve Tehink Pituse that inf ‘my next speech! you your ideas, you'd STILL} be a County Clerk? INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE and MAD PUBLISHER Why not? if didn't support them, they'd go on Welfare! Me. Gaines, this is Mr. Sticker of the Internal Revenue Service like to ‘discuss certain errors anc siserepancies in your 1970 Income Tax Return. Like—you cannot list Vow saving the the artists, writers, and editors of Government MAD as your dependents! money! The Government appreciates your He's NOT?! motives, Mr. Gaines, Dut we just can't fm But I've been ‘allow it! Another thing... Charlie ‘donating » “rhe Bookmaker = NOT fortune ‘charitable institution” to him! [And your “Playboy " subscription cannot be deducted as a “business expense” [sorry! And under “Medical Expenses", show $15,758.21 spent in restaurants"! ve receipts 0 prove it im sure you do, but restaurant costs can: not be considered “Medical Expenses"! We sympathize with you, Mr. Gaines, but the Government is vary strict on all these points! Now... according to my caleulations, you owe ‘$28,879.00 in back taxes, so you'd better send it in immediately! And one last thing— please put a stamp on the envelope this time! ONE NIGHT IN THE ACME RITZ CENTRAL ARMS WALDORE PLAZA STATLER HILTON GRAND HOTEL Z27L 2222 al Z7T INK SNUFFLE LL) BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER Tinow! That's what my father's gonna say when he finds out | charged iRtois account! Thadtoshow ) (Oh, Stantey!| [it aid! But! | had to show you what length || tr must {and breadth and|| have cost | | you how much ‘Since this is our ‘second anniversary Se've been going ‘depth my love || a ailion | || was willing foryou goes! | | dollars! 10 secrifice together for two wweeks—I bought you this hittle gift! (Gh... Except your Mother, of course! ~_NO WOMAN IN THE WORLD IS WORTH THAT KIND OF HEARTACHE! Took at him! He's been moping around ike this for a week - not sleeping, ‘not eating, ust brooding! And all because his gil friend, Wilma, won't talk to him! He's your sont Help him! ‘Oh, nol Not that tired! old cliche situationt I'm surprised at you, Dorist She's gotta be 2 real loser, right? ‘Oh, Daddy! Daddy! Ive met] {He's my Prince Charming... him at last! Mr. Right! And | | my Knight in Shining Armor! Tm inlove—really in love! | | On, Daddy, he's absolutely (ei ee gorgeous! He's the most A beautiful man I've ever mett Hy THERE AINT: GONNABEANY<' @ TOMORROW BABY’ gy Oh, too! i's like so— TEENY-BOPPER-POPPA DEPT. Hello! I'm David Frostbite on special assignment for MAD Magazine! It's a wise old saying that goes: “If you can't lick ‘em, join ’e Today, we are going to see how one Father has applied this philosophy to the “younger generation’’, as we interview Mr. Howard Puerile . . . MAD’S “DIRTY OLD MAN” OF THE YEAR ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: STAN HART Mr. Puerile, understand that Mf That's right!_m (mean my Stereo ms Besides, got some you've decided to bridge the [// Hey—you want || Hi-Fi set, Smarty! [| music that'll REALLY Generation Gap by following the || toturn on? || Socoolit! How || blow your ming! You | ‘example of your 19-year-old son | like Olver? Three Dog rt Gary Pu ‘and your 18.year-old daughter! You mean...? ‘You gotta stay with it! Then, ¥ This is my wifel To Viigive you a clue! after awhile, you kinda-ike ‘ look at her, could Count the wrinkles sround develop what the kids have! you honestly tell she's I Wel. er er knees! Like with forty-iveyears old? ‘no! Ml trees! Know what | mean? a: SAN By Actually, 'm too OLD totake the Teil me... what is. i ti Reais tat” Fernie wate her, mover || "sera 1 = ‘Oh, whoopie! All ‘Well, 'm beginning} of a sudden, tounderstand what | I'm being || you mean by “let J interviewed by itaithang out" | Don Rickles! cS Vi HEAVEN SENT DEPT. Recently, someone published a book called “Children’s Letters To God.” It was so popular, another book was published called “More Children’s Letters To God.” Now, that one is so popular, by the time you read this \ = AnswersTo Children * Stop here on the put THA = : ne future Fasthtl far TORY peek meason YoU wy notes about your eo you ae tna be ee Dear Laurie, Yes, I am watching you all the’ time. But that is no je for not taking a bath, zon! you a thly statonent Best regards article, they'll probably publish one called “Still More Children’s Letters To God.” Well, it seems to us that there’s an awful lot of one-way letter-writing going on, so MAD remedies the situation with s Letters—From GOD @ bear Jonathan, Thanks f; t Thanks £07 your inqutry Feally do not have tt KO all'the ‘Comaans Y> but nents. fo not setters oupant Reavers dad aed wou Taank ¥90" sincerely Your Py ine, Bete Sn 704 ay tein Sincerely, | «\4 Doar Randy and Ricky It does not matter ae imnich one of you pear Harvoys ee seisne Y eee ie eet 2 teh tah ee a Sincerely» \ ded os, 1 20m the enue ry Sunday: JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I! IF IT'S SATURDAY, IT MUST BE BOREDOM DEPT. SS ee 'm Fred McMoron! Some time back, Newton Minow called television a ‘‘vast wasteland”! Obviously, he wasn't a regular viewer of the show I've been starring | in for the past 11 years, or else he would have called it a ‘'vast slumberland” But | should care! For me, it’s been a “vast moneyland” playing father to. . . -_MY THREE SONNY BOYS. IaH L That's nothing (Gosh! And to a unusual! Lots of [-EEET | think he's Have you taxen a ]| unusual. tots of IT Yeah, but he also |} g00¢ took at Uncie| | crave JY Seuaten, || shaves with Nair Unele Chilly ec) |S eee te ae Pe] ca today! He's soing wayt hat | | “Chilly lately? He smokes Virginia vibrations are| |exceptionaly emougn | |"WOman's"| | seve, emiwoiders, || Perform nousenold |]

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