3 ; 5 : 3 5 LICK YOUR PROBLEM BY LICKING ee M \ LA) ] D SICKIE- STICKIES OUR LATEST FULL-COLOR DOUBLE-FOLD-OUT BONUS MA SUPER AD am ran OFTHE Cae iat er NOW ON DISPLAY WHEREVER MAGAZINES ARE SOLD (OR SHOP-LIFTED)!NUMBER 168 JULY 1974 “Don't worry about forgetting your girl-friend’s birth ch it later”Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots A LEFT JABBER AND A RIGHT UPPERCRUST DEPARTMENT. “The Way We Bore" (A MAD Movie Satire) ALTERING THE WASTE DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Guide To Re-Cycling Garbage. BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARMENT The Lighter Side Of The Eneray Crisis. DIATRIBAL LEGEND DEPARTMENT Billy Jock" (Another MAD Movie Satire) DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘One Evening At A Cocktail Party. At The Professional Glass-Eaters Banquet ‘One Day On A Tennis Court INSIDE-OUCH DEPARTMENT Behind The Scenes At A TV Network LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones. POOR ALFRED'S ALMANAC May 16th to June 20th, 1974 SHIFT OF GAB DEPARTMENT Parental Non-Sequiturs STRIKE UP THE BLAND DEPARTMENT Singable Theme Songs For TV Shows. SUBJECT TO CHANGE DEPARTMENT Magazine Articles...Then...And Now THEN AND OWW! DEPARTMENT Remember When WEDDING BELTS DEPARTMENT 'AMAD Look At Marriage...Before And After VITAL FEATURES THE WAY WE BORE (MOVIE SATIRE) Pg.4 SOME TYPICAL PARENTAL NON-SEQUITURS Pg.i7 GUIDE To RE-CYCLING SINGABLE THEME SONGS FOR TV SHOWS Po. 4 SIDE OF THE ENERGY CRISIS Pg. 22 gp iy eng Ti a BILLY Jock (ANOTHER MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 41PRACTICING Give your shelf plenty of reasons! Fill it with any or all of these IAAID PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— LETTERS DEPT. AMERICAN CONFETTI ‘American Confer was an incredibly amusing article Te was reminiscent of & de luxe cheeseburger at Hamburger Heay- fn or Eddie Haskell of the "Leave It To Beaver" show at his best. Jim Schoppet Lynchburg College Lynchburg, Va Mort Drucker is certainly trve-blue to ST. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY COMPUTER The computer at St, Lawrence Univer- sity came dowa with a mysterious ailment last week. Ie appears to be hysterical. It biggles and issues unreadable printouss, Ge of which is enclosed, The professors, technicians, and students are bafed. Hav ing already consulted all the intelligent people we know, we ate turning 10 you for some explanation, Eric Hudson Canton, NY. MAD! He illustrated the original "Amer ican Graff” movie poster PLUS your fown witty satie, but he did an even bet ter job of it for MAD, Artie Hondros Winston-Salem, N.C. OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75¢ EACH === use coupon or duplicate-————-——— MAD 485 MADison Avenue MEENA OORE 1 was terribly disappointed that you tore an excelent movie into little pieces Linda Sorrell, PLEASE SEND ME: Milwaukee, Wisc (CON MARTIN steps Out [F) DON MARTIN Bounces Back (5) DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stores COMAD's Captain Kutz (DON MARTIN Cooks CON MARTIN Corus On Strong (5) DOM MARTIN Carries On I fell out of my Edsel while laughing at Mort Drucker's-and Larry Siegel's flashy Rashback’ Caren Croland Glen Rock, NJ. Larry Siegel can take his “American Confetti” and ervise up Main Street and down Elm wich i! Ron Barchi WE BERS Moder Thinking E Dewrois, Mich. VE BERG Our Sick World AVEBERG Looks at Living Really, when you think about it, ‘ueeaking” doesn't pollute or waste gas PY vs, SPY Follow Up Fle ne like “cruising” did? rd MAD Dossier of SPY vs SPY MAD Look at Ol Movies tur of MAD ie Movies ) MADERTISING (CUALIAFFE's MAD Book of Maple (Mere ALIAFFE Snappy Ansiers (CUALIAFFEE's MAD Wnstrositios Ci Aragones’s "iva MADE" [E)Aragones's MAD about MAD (CiAtapones's MADAy Yours [EiAtagones’s in MAD We Trust [EIMAD for Better or Ver (Ding Along With MAD [GUMAD About Sports| EUMAD Word Power (COMAD Cradle to Grave Primer ENCLOSE 75c FOR EACH (Minimum Order: 3 Books} Linda Copessiao E)Ouestionabe MAD New York, NY. (CiHowting MAD E)The indigestible MAD Burning MAD (Goce a wk Idoo000d00 greg ot z : 5 2 2 > 2 3 (OUR FLOUNDERING FATHERS. ‘Your back cover was great! Thanks for cating dowa Nixon! Dan Kunkel Marshfcld, Wise Regarding "Our Floundering Fathers", by Jaffee and Rickard, who's wnder the fallen tree? Dean?? 1 printout indicates you are attuned to cone of the truly grect intellects in the un Bill Montgomery __Yer#, Dan Martin. Feel honored! Ed. Middlerown, NY. I see where Tricky Rick (Jack Rick- ee SS cee re ard) gure our "Bloubdering Peter" diberfesidence: Moun Vernon, Virgina Sin Clemence Sourb.s.? “homes Pritchard Ocean Grove, NI Ther the Freach, who gave us the Statue OF Liberry, never thought she'd be a dam- selin distress. (Gasp! ) Ted Fels Los Angeles, Calif, NAME. ADDRESS. city STATE. ZIP. 1 cannot tell a lie, “Our Floundering Fathers" tells i like it peobably is! Ernie Wartea Lenoir, NC a en st est abt meee for ees ‘Yoli Stassinopoulos Potomac, Md,MeAss*HUGA, Since the MAD satirsts usually under- stand the theme of the show they cleverly skewer, itis pathetic that writer Stan Hart misses the point of M*A*S*H so utterly, Saddest ofall isthe fact that none of his ‘gays come close 10 the wit of even the ‘most minor M*A*S*H wisecrack. What happened? The only thing which eased “Hares failure was Torres's usual excellent drawing Barbara Bergstrom ‘Waltham, Mas, LIGHTER SIDE OF POLARIZATION While reading Dave Bers's “Lighter Side Of Polarization’, my opposing group (names withheld) gave me the ol pilver sation rothe jaw! Bob Derhay Bricktown, NJ. IF PEOPLE WERE LABELED IKE PRODUCTS You left oue the following two in "If People Were Labeled Like Products [ aansiaopcanme | | Freee Bea nS 55a | | Fewseation Over Having ro Work | sere Ne aarne Wot | Frustcation Over Having To Illus- eke Was WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Ingredients Frustation Over Not Becoming | ‘A Famous Author 35% | Frascation Over Having co Work "| For MAD Magazine 35% Frustration Over Not laving Drucker Tusteate All His Writing But all kidding aside, Jacobs and Clarke area great team. Let's see more Fred Patten Long Beach, Calif. After reading "If Pople Were Labeled Like Products," here is how I'd label it Inventiveness Good Taste | Srginaliy E Seriously, though, ic was great. Keep up the good work You make many people happy George Webster SeHubere, Quebec, Can, Pleare Address All Correrpons MAD, Dept. 168, 485 MADIson Avenue 'New York, New York 10022 WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE 10 AAAID use coupon o duplial AD 485 MADison Avenue NAME. New York, N-Y, 10022 ADDRESS I enclose $7.00* Enter my name on CITY your subscription list, and mail me STATE the next 19 issues of MAD Magazine. ZIP “incpmt, $7.0 Farts panne tl Moy oy Cnc ro 0 US, Bek Oui he tule recsiee mo etsnct te respon forcast or solemn he le, to Eat or Money Order reed! <_-— STREAKING! Now, you ean feast your eyes conot destroy them. .because this fabulous new collection of the best of Sergio Aragonés's “MAD MARGINALS” hag been faithfully re-drawn and enlarged by their creatorto magnify your amusement! So here is a good opportunity to enjoy those hilarious “Di Out Dramas" without straining your eyes—only your wallet! Era ON SALE NOW AT ALL BOOKSTANDS! SORRY, NO MAIL ORDERS! SERGIO ARAGO!A LEFT JABBER AND A RIGHT UPPERCRUST DEPT. |BORE [imars go | Stop tha wi ‘Stal of Soviet Russiat [| 7) The biggest Fascist lof them ALL!‘We are now going to nave a flash-back to the '30's, and must be murder! But just wait tit yeu see mein my 1930's hair style! ‘And now, for our next empus ‘speaker, that star of stage, sereen and radio. namely she’ stages revolutions, ‘screens Fascists and sings with the Don Coseack Chorus tie next Commissar of the US. Sadie Mafootsky! That's right! Fellow Okay, now here's workers, we must |] my plant We must Join the forces of || ‘get more guns to ood in that Civil || General Grant and War. and destioy |] “more horses to theappressors!_[] General Sherment H] General Lee must be smashed, and— ‘can do? Gee, too bad! [had such a great ‘speech, tao! It went ike this “Four score and Seven years ago, four fathers brought forth Spanish Civil War! You didn't] [ Oh, nov? Take a write that | | look at the back speech!” | of this envelope! |[ Hey, Hubbarat How There's something about that in, AK Hr enink i'm in tove with hee ‘But—but your Mother is Protestant, she's Jewish!z r LW dose a Methoaiat ana These’ || Wol,tgaur [ofan] [CotmbiePresbreran sinodist How at we have a | Hubbard || so for HIM! (Coes Semen enichan cross theroust_| | come |" Taecaaae | LOT comment nants || “Uistento. || nats JERE) [ Wimans LF To get othe whe ben youre] | Bectuse |) "ri show you! Swat || tam gaia} | “the stSyonnaise [|_ecumbson thw ter ie ae fel ee frearne || "wir dumb oe = ood | | Ln, Pes} | wabe games! frost | fond? Gest orate never misses : rte Uh... next 9 Oh... Tm | uestont [| beenning [ka year ot down | nats the || to-see wnat |_| AS6year old low best food! || youmeant | | KE YOU. 908 4 1 movie audience that | cette | [estioke? | | Sou're « 20,year-otd A “tn | college student! T got a much Detter joke! Wall, that’s how it a began! Ang now, here it elle, | Hubbard) Hubbard! i's me! Jy Yes Remember the Hubbard,|] Sadie Mafootsky! ‘exciting wake up!|| ~The girtyou once knew, back in college! uh z "Sovie Matottsig?? iE Sure ee ae CADDY Tae thought this could happen? Its like'a Fairy Tale—come true! 5 v= Pe trom} Wel, sacie ‘THAT pretty! ‘Oh, Manny, it was Fate that brought us together againt And now, Ill taks him hhome with me! He's 30 wonderfull He har ‘se much to offer a gill only hope: nough to take everything he im making myself clear? Tomorrow, we eraduate--and ‘Our separate ways! Il go on toa great Writing Career, ant you'll go on to save Stalingrad! Tm gonna miss you, ‘ur final danes ubbara‘We've beer living together for a Please month, and i's been great since [Arg ' stopped being religioust And | in your Naval Uniform! [oJ not sayt ich leads me—and the movie [i ‘\gorrt |] fusienceto a rather personel Es J] cuestont Naroty, ustwnat do. Fel “wory” Us Jewish girls, marriage is VERY IMPORTANT! Sormyl throw how rough itcan be: slogging through Hubbard, you could! eva great writer! But | AM a great water! Everyone says I'm the most creative writer inte Brooklyn Navy Yard Enough of thst Let's No, you dummy! That's just an old Bemeonesin he kichon wth Bra ‘movie trick to show the passage s inthe hte of time, and oh, forget it! Listen, some of my swinging WASP friends are having a wild party! Lats rop in warn you~ANY: é ‘THING goes!‘Our typieal Hollywood frends are coming over! Hi, typical Hollywoos ES That's ridiculous! friends! What's new? [-[Where did you get |= that idiotic ana We're n big trouble, Hubbard! Congress 15 cracking down on the Film industry! They claim is loaded swith COMMUNISTS! ‘Sadie But | gotta do SOMETHING while you're at the ro the Russians? TW helps pass: the time! | J nate Man Jonge! 5 youve LI lunderstanat LI Wow listen to me! We've invited ‘pot to stop this [] _ But selling fapbierousing! || atomic secrete toa big nerrow night! WHICH Marx are you? Tim Harpolf KARL! ][ That dows] eaSadie, whet] { Neither do They never realy explain Sadie, | think 1H1.go on here Bl Don’t wory arewe doing. | [inthe sriptt Just cheer Here they comet wenad this Pl veanr J in Holywood to I anoct ec? ate station” time! we've got MM evess PY! my weting M1 go on welcoming’ | [ Look! There's | [and there's] [And loot career! Wat MM to Bertin “The Haliywood | |gernie Bigeow,| | “Hi Pett, | [Al Lumox, ptovtyes Ten"? don’t | |""wnowrete | | whowrote | [who wrote ‘yen know wnat || “abbott and | | “Ma and al |"“Biondie “The Hollywood || costello Meet | | Kettle In| | Gets A Tew" ts | [Their Dentist" | | cleveland”t| | Stove" Hello, Sadie! Gy | got held up by twa trate Hello, Hubba! JB lights and a What's been secona keeping you? f.| marriage! ‘gS be wn me county 4 ‘f, God What» holocaust TAT”, eer BARBARA STRIDENT //,| smosent Reoaee (| // THE WAY WE BO> Ee ea —= eH mo = Ee es ~ —) ~ —= i= —= wo = — = Fad Ba = = 3 a 8 a a z z e 2 3 Z| 3 8 “That's right! But | don't do that particulWEDDING BI isoxat MARRIAGE...BEFORE AND AFTER (GEORGE HARTSTRIKE UP THE BLAND DEPT. A lot of things are wrong with Television, but there's one improvement that could be made with very little trouble. Namely, begin every show with a singable Theme Song so people would walk out of the room humming the tune on their way to the bathroom during commercial breaks. Which is as good as any way of intro- ducing this assortment of ... ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES 7) ADOED 2 | Bey SINGABLE THEME SONGS FOR TV SHOWS i ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show Sung to the tune of “More Moore Plays a meddiler who s full of mirth; lary Worth; boss who's tough, Knows Kung Fu Else w Wes nothin’ Ii For Moore The her Kung Fut 1“ neyed stuff, iewers go fo vould the her show for? Is the girl for whom the show is named; Moore! WRITER: FRANK sacons the brief commercials Movies Tuesday nig igs for Charmin Tissue, With next Wes so outof si‘The Firing Line with a William F. Buckley They Call the Wind Maria”) Views perspicacious and low-keyed invective, Steeped in omniscience with views int Extracts archaeic no sage can divine— Prithee, stay tuned to The Fi-r-ing Gleanings from Homer, quotations from Horace, Words so obscure they defy a thesaurus, Phrases sententious of Latin design— ‘Cum grano salis The Fi-r-ing Line! ithappen 2 digressions Strain your clod-like head, Then kindly replace Buckley's Firing Line With Johnny or Mery INSTEAD! ‘The CBS Evening News ‘Sung to the tune of “Love Is Blue”) News! Newst Ws time for news! Cronkite is here, so what can you lose? News! News! Domestic News News of the Mob that you can‘trefuse! News! News? We've worldwide news News of the Arabs, news of the Jews! News! News! World leaders’ views Brezhnev’s and Mao's and George Pompidou’s! When we're through ‘And the world’s picked clean, Sev-ereid Will explain what you've seen! News! News! All kinds of news! es and corruption—who's getting who's: News! News! We've so much ne Chancellor takes the stuff we don’t use! You may prefer A character Like Donald Duck or Dumbo, This guy's for real, Atrue schlemiel, ‘And we call the clod Columbo! ‘The Late Night Sermonette Columbo! Columbo! (Sung to the tune of “Cabaret We call the clod Columbo! What good is wishing for one more old ifick He bumbles through Here on your TV set? Each show we do, Come watch the Sermonette, my friends, His brain's like chicken-gumbo; Come watch the Sermonette! ‘And yet this schnook Tracks down each crook, ‘And we call the clod Columbo! Columbo! Columbo! We call the clod Columbo! So sit and gawk While Peter Goes through his mumbo-jumbo; He's here, we fear, Another year ‘As the clod we call Columbo! Last week we preemed a Mohammedan chant No use in giving your dial a click We're all that you can get Come watch the Sermonette, my friends, Come watch the Sermonette! Come hear The Word! Come praise the Lord! Come say a praye Allkinds we dish up! Easter week you'll see a Bishop! Columbo! Columbo! Straight from a minaret: We call the clod Columbo! Come watch the Sermonette, my friends, ear We'll try to save you yet, my friends, = es rect erentMarcus Welby, M.D. (Sung to the tune of *Call Me”) It you have tu-ber-cu-lo-sis, ‘Measles or a head that’s achin You can trust his di-ag-no-sis; House-calls he iseven making— Welby! Stay tuned and watch Marcus Welby! Rob-ert Young plays Marcus Welby: Greatest of all the MDs! Treating folks with kind attention, Heart filled with compassion tender, Though it’s only fair to mention Bills you'll never see him render Welby' Stay tuned and watch Marcus Welby! Rob-ert Young plays Marcus Welby! Greatest of all the MDs He isn't lazy He works like crazy, Filling up his prime-time slot He hands out ointments And makes appointments Even when he sails his yacht! To his patients ded-i-cat-ed, Never seeming a-var-i-cious, Loved by all and ven-er-a-ted, You can bet that he's fic-ti-tious— Welby! Stay tuned and watch Marcus Well Rob-ert Young plays Marcus Welby Greatest ofall the MDs! iF Gunsmoke (Sung to the tune of “Ol Man River’ Of Matt Dillon, That of Matt Dillon— sill there shootin’, He's stil there killin’, He just keeps ridin’, He keeps on ridin’ ‘Along: He's still town marshal, ‘An’ heaven rest us, He's still got Kitty, still got Festus, “Cause of Matt Dillon He just keeps ridin’ along. Other shows They have their runs— “"Gilligan’s Island” and “My The “Twilight Zone,” ‘Peyton Plac “Petticoat junction” and “Lost in Spa-ace” Ain't no logic, ‘Ain't no good reason Way ‘Gunsmoke’s" now in Its eighteenth season— But of" Matt Dillon He just keeps ridin’ along! Monday Night Football (Gung to the tune of ‘From the Fialls of Montezuma” From the Oilers in the Astrodome To the Packers in Green B2y, We've got football ev'ry Monday night With remarks on ev'ry play We've got Dandyroo and Gifford, too, But what makes our program sell— It you find your fav'ite team has lost You can blame it on Cosell! Lot's Make A Deal (Sung to the tune of “This Guy's in Love With You") Encased in styrofoam You see... that schmuck In costume as St. Peter's Dome— Yessiree! They're for real Because they want to Make a Deal! What makes....them do it? What's here that drives then to it? Well, If you believe They're here ‘cause they're in need, That’s not the case They're here ‘cause they're so full When they scream, You can tell They'd kill o get a Caravelle! Though it’s de-grading, They don't...need much persuading, 50 Let's Make a Deal! Let's Make a Deal! Let's Make a Deal—it doesn't take work: Just act like a jerk! this nut‘SHIFT OF GAB DEPT. What’s with parents, anyhow? Why can’t they ever talk about what you want to talk about? Why won't they ever let you off the hook? Why, if you do one thing wrong, is it a life sentence without any possibility of pardon? What’s this introduction about, anyway? We'll tell you: Parents are the ‘ones responsible for “The Generation Gap"! Is there any doubt? Hands, please! Three. . . four five . .. okay! Here’s why: Whenever you tell them something, no matter how important it is to you, it becomes nothing more than a lead-in for them to zap you with a criticism. Right? Hands, please! Seven million . . . eight million. . . nine million. . . okay! In other words, parents are the ac knowledged masters of the “non-sequitur” . . . which is Latin for . . . “saying what they want, no matter what you say to them!” Understand? Hands, please! None... okay! Here’s what we mean by. PARENTAL NON-SEQUITURS WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: fl WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: J WHAT THEY WILL PROBABLY SAY: scholarship Harvard Unierty | omit hp et | [ie hoot. Sutbaseart S Ve ‘even keep Yok WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: i WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: [ive decided to join the Peace Corps! AN IV “That's realy touching my ile levoting her life i helpingWHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: ] WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: fl) WHAT THEY ER Ua a Thats allwe need WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: i WHAT THEY WILL PROBABLY SAY: My pleture's gonna be in the paper! | r et] [They shourstae || Then hey dhnow ] They tookitwhen hitahomeree_| Tages apctureofyou || whateiganot [wetti ed you REALLY are!! ‘S ¢) } i oN ls | i I, tm going to bea Poetess . v =| You'll make some Posters with your face | kelEaina St. Vincent Millay breaking out from al the junk you ettWHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: J WHAT THEY WILL PROBABLY SAY: tell you, da, if anyone can find a cure for Cancer, i'rbe my Sheldon! WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: | WHAT YOU HOPE THEY WILL SAY: [ Tust saved four people tr eo le =e God, we're proud of you! You always. Sure, you can save some strangers! B were a good boy... never thinking ot | ‘do you ever help ME wth the dishes! } | yours aiways thinking of thers! | 8 — <\ i | USebuming pulang!SUBJECT TO CHANGE DEPT. “The times, they are a-changing...” observed Bobby Dylan, And just how drastically they are a-changing can be demonstrated by examining magazine MAGAZINE ARTICLE PET & HOME MAGAZINE June 1959 PET & HOME MAGAZINE June 1974 YOUR NEW DOG = : How To Train Him To § : How To Train Him To SIT and BEG MAIM and KILL Go 2228 finaly broken down , now you've purchased a little, d licious doggi you and sur with friends! HOME COOKING June 1974 HOME-MADE BREAD Potassium Sorbate andarticles on specific subjects, say, fifteen years ago... and articles on similar subjects in magazines today. You'll see what we mean with these . S... THEN...AND NOW — TODAY'S TEACHER June 1959 TODAY'S TEACHER June 1974 WHEN TO SEND FOR THE PARENTS WHEN TO SEND FOR THE POLICE “There's no douibt about it, we have entered sprain the lassroom, Reports rom a Students oft the CAREER June 1959 CAREER June 1974 TO BE PRESIDENT? TO BE PRESIDENT? TVGUIDER June 1-71959 — TVGUIDER June 2-8 1974 Wednesday MORNING 9:00 D1 Love Lucy—comesy Wednesday MORNING 9:00 Love LUcr—Comedy Tey, unabie to land pat Fick's ow musical, pretends to bea stage hand. (Repeat) Rice's new musieal be stage hand. (BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEFT. eave Je a) Those dirty “&5%$#@! CROOKS! ] [pee eee enone) Seoora ANHOLES 4 le _‘What in heck is this ‘country coming to? There are shortages ‘of everything! | 3 | there's a shortage of gasoline... (Treeze in Winter because there's | There's also a shortage 2 shortage of heating ol! can't ‘of TOILET PAPER! ecol of in Summer because there's 2 shortage of electric power! | can’t rive my ear or Boat because z \| ee a es ARTIST & WRITER: DAVE BERG Here's a room with =| iw itl Yet the LIGHTS are on! The last one out of a room should shut the ed Hever ‘Only BEFORE the = ers, [ ssesreere have called him ey E only EIGHTY DEGREES (ce ide! We can certainly do without the Air Conditioner! | TW” | | via "00D chee | must say, your husband fe ¢in accordance withthe Divorce Next there’s the Fisher Decree, Owemy) [Adine Stereo HiFi Equipment! ‘dead | body Eiirado withe | | cadiiac ge na Y (\ / but most of atl, \ g eer f \ / \ i gy nat happened You'd better sell me a cap iy ust siphoned with a lock for my gas tank! af my tanthat you limited me to —<— giving GREEN STAMPS... agg tht vou jacked up the wait online for over an hour . a | price of your gas eniyeleht gations... JT Al that's going 100 Fart K a s Wadagustig hats what “rand dowtmind ___['-. and dow'tmina PY __. bet when you cat out is gent med tat nad to ‘Boy, this oll shortage is. [Truk drives {There's one thing GOOD ‘See?!? it's even putting hurting! I's putting 2 ne r you can say about the oil HOSPITAL PERSONNEL lot of people out of work! | shortage! There are lot less ‘out of work! accidents on the highways! Yi 9 q | ¢ Pe \, f : crisis! And what do you do? \ - UAT ¥ \ a \ \Hey, let's steal a bike!) i AY “TcAaR POOL! ‘lick UP |ALTERING THE WASTE DEPT. Experts tell us that the only answer to our critical “Garbage Problem” is something called “Recycling.” But what does “Recycling” mean? It means we must return our garbage to the manufacturers so they can re-use it in their products instead of creating all-new products that soon become more garbage. Sounds like a good solution, but there's one catch: Each manufacturer is interested only in the garbage he can use. Like glass makers only want bottles, and can manufacturers only want cans. Obviously, it would take ten million Boy Scouts to collect, sort and distribute the garbage we create in just one day. And so the answer is not so much in recycling our garbage back to the manufacturers, but in recycling it right where it is... in the home, in school, in the office, etc. To give 'you an idea of how this can work—and to get the country started on this noble endeavor —here is A MAD GUIDE TO RECYCLING GARBAGE How It Works: An Example of Complete Recycling (Or “A Cradle-To - Grave Recycling Story’) AK PitaRecycling Discarded Refrigerators TOT NUMBER 29 / Pepe | Gay Lib Amateur Night ends in disaster when Pe BA | inPriadeiphiawnere cveriday's. gst pss] 2B| star comecian shows up with straight man, 1971 3yx | wen » French newapaper men agrees with you MMotse| =>5 | Yoday, a 3:17 pi. aman you do not know wil suffer 23 | he's most ikely using the editor out Gate 2A | 3 cevbre attacker te fungus in Seotsblutt, Nebraska Tee | irra Depew crop boven nts bread doveh, wes | MAD goes off sale, Newsstand deaters report HE BB | Seprtatied or comes a 1588 GD | ge] kegel sete esc ane Saler ee 40BILa) SHYeah, but this 29,997... 29,998 orto friends, for that matter!! is ridiculous! | | 29,999... 30,000 Okay, q [think I'm ever it now hanging around it this store for | [ Your No... my three hours! | [anger?| | nonwolencet Okay] | Waten out He | ‘th =] butfirst | | ean KILL you Jock! Now, its [| Uhave to | | wth those fet 20 how tou take off ea in | Okay, Bily | 2) sock! Now 4) tate got ‘Just my luek! Well Frm going away with you fits ME Billy Jock because my Father is coming h Jeg couldn't they Ty wife got a real ea Indian to piay | par?| 2 [What wil yo a TOOWELL rom the Who else would be helping a He is prepar forthe that wil make hima Brother tothe snakel YLT ie hates beng sn only child! into galoshes?Coward! You How can you say that? fo this [ ‘Cause he’s so stow | to anger that "a | be finished and out x = Oh, good! Tim going leant Because i) He would, ||! thought after How dia | | te | ] tole you, then but he's’ | | he was Barnyard.lag you find | | you! | | ‘the audience too busy || anery He killed Mout that would know! being deat | with met Marvin ancl Garnyard = Why |. | And they'd tell ol raped you! Il raped me? | not? EVERYONE! \\ Remember I told you | was slow {to anger? Wel, I'm even slower you KNOW what I'm going to do the morning! SIA lot likeI decided that my death would be traglemistae!DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il! ONE DAY ON A TENNIS COURTHERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS For generations, Americans have been conditioned to “Big Car” thinking. But now, the energy crisis has ended that. Yet, the “Big Car” appeal still lingers on. One feature that’s sure to appear in smaller cars will also appear when you fold in the page as shown at right. FOLD TH SECTION ovER LEFT 4B FOLD BACK SOA" MEETS "8 CONSERVE ENERGY & DRIVE A SMALL CAR | WELCOME THOUGHTFUL BUYERS WANT CARS THAT WILL SAVE wee PRECIOUS GASOLINE BUT FOR SOME TO SACRIFICE THE BIG CAR’S LUXURIES COULD BE A BIG DRAG Ab 4BBRAIN Subject suffers chronic headaches | Signs of severe damage cavsed by of increasing drug abuses, ising Be corruption at the top. Possibility crime ond urban blight, worsened of a dangerous major stroke exists J uniess drastic surgery undertaken. EARS Furzy vision prevents the subject | Apporent loss of hearing. Subject from focusing on his short-range Bag seems deaf to needs of the economy problems. Also prevents subject | tnd pleas of the under-privilegess from perceiving long-range goals, SHOULDERS Sagging from years of carrying the ) rest of the world. Now weakened t0 point of being unable to carry self. Red in some areas, s! y, preventing subject from accepting ¢ good advice from his Right or Left. j CHEST Pontlly caved in, indicating the foruncialyy alec’ Js0 blessed [i N MUSCLE LUNGS aoe oe eee clea tie! as his intake exceeds his ot HANDS. \ N\A creeping paralysis is apporent, preventing the subject from grasp. ng his role in @ changing word, STOMACH se Turned, by evidence of corruption ‘and graft’ on coll levels, resulting fa in occasional internal vpheovels, Mala INTESTINAL TRACT, i ‘Clogged with bureaucratic waste, causing overall sluggish behavior BUTTOCKS Bruised and sore from kicks and beatings delivered by nations once % considered to be subject's cllies. JZ \ KNEES i BN Fortunciely, in good shape, since D subject may be forced to his soon LeGs Se Appear to be atrophied. Patient is i FEET a4 unable to keep stride with rapid BBM Arches collapsing. Feet unable to B pace of his overseas competitors.