WE’RE MAKING | _ AN EXCITING COMEBACK! | ieee ot ! SNAPPY ANSWERS 70 WHOLE BOOK OF THEM AS STUPID QUESTIONS MAD’S Al Jaffee SPEWS OUT “Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions” ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND —OR YOURS BY MAIL ween nnn nena nnn nnn use coupon or duplicate ---------.. sea 2 < NAME____ LAID ADiRees oF MADISS4 Avena New York, N.Y. 10022 STATE erry Zip-Code___ PLEASE SEND ME: ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE BOOKS CHECKED BELOW: MAD's Taga tesa, Se mad str uestorane xn 5M Strike Bae noni 1 Hoating a Snappy Aneyesed Inside MAD The Yodo MAD [CDON MARTIN tens out Utery MAD 5) reasy Wb Sttt DOW MARTIN Bounces Bock, a Ee ” Tait aan Cie “i BON MARTI ios I tris api ‘ion: jesise sec Ds Caplan Mate, pid Gusstions of MAD The DAVE BENG look At The USA Fe Siganeatin mo Wer He ‘te may DAVEBERG Ln Poo t Raving AVE BERG Lots Tins {The des of aD Bolin MAD PuAltey Phas so Fieting MD AWAD Lock at Old Nove I ENCLOSE 50c FOR EACH Plus 250 Postage & Packaging on all orders under $2.00NUMBER 118 APRIL 1968 “Live within your income and youl live without worry “and other Hhings."—Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM ar director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, ‘CURTIS ANDERSON, IVAN LODICHAND subscriptions ‘CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usa gang of ions DEPARTMENTS BELLE, BOOK AND VANDALS DEPARTMENT in The Out Exit 1 BERG'S-EYE-VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Fear . CITY'S LIMIT DEPARTMENT ‘The Advantages Of The Suburbs For Kids DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘Don Martin Looks At Frogs The New Back-Scratcher HEART-BURNS DEPARTMENT MAD Valentines To Celebrities JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas by Sergio Aragones PASSING THE BUCK DEPARTMENT Pro Football . PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT MAD's Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions ‘THE FAULT IS IN OUR STARS DEPARTMENT TV Shows... Recast ‘TO SCHEME THE IMPOSSIBLE SCHEME DEPARTMENT Mission Ridiculous ...-.-2.+.+000++ ‘TURN ON, TUNE IN, DROP DEAD DEPARTMENT Hippie Magazine er Various Places Around The Magazine aan VITAL FEATURES “IN THE OUT EXIT” (AMAD MOVIE ‘SATIRE) VALENTINES TO (CELEBRITIES ADVANTAGES OF THE ‘SUBURBS FOR KIDS “MISSION RIDICULOUS” (AMAD TV ‘SATIRE) “HIPPIE MAGAZINE” (AMAD SATIRE PUBLICATION) Pg.4tuh tt funny but somewh E) MAD. My musical dircetor, George Wil New Postuae? Until recently, Treganded MAD as a worth. public tion. You scemed to be avoidiag. the suc of importance» which would shock the feading public and reste in Controversy. However, 1 happily dec 2 tren nthe las few soe at dsproves tny theory No mater what crt Jou fet for your new posture, and you are fre to act quite bie hope you will Continue yout ersade snd fly pay yout role in che consraton of «beter Amer. ican sociy John Jayna Hackley School Tarrytown, N. Y. PROMINENT EDUCATOR? Ina recent mid-term examination in en Education course, I asked my students (0 identify certain prominent educators. I was distresed when only 27 out of 36 sorectly identified Alfred E. Neuman, The nine dummies have been screened ‘out of the Teacher-Education program on the grounds that they probably wouldn't know what che kids were reading behind their history books. John H. Sandberg Director, Teacher-Edecation Camegie- Mellon University Piusburgh, Pa “THE DOODLETOWN During a break in rehearsals, while eutiag with Nancy Wilgon at the Sa Hotel in Las Vegas, “The Doodle: town Pipers" staged a “love-in” with kins, and’ T find thar MAD is the best form of relaxation for the kids during their grueling sixteen-hour days. Other GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICS MAD's Great Moments In Politics ‘got right to the heart of the matter. 1am forwarding a copy to the Whice House Jerey. Jacobs Skokie, Il "MAD's Great Moments in Politics’ was something else! David Roop Decatur, Als There is a subsle perversion of the conscience in this nation which can allow itself to laugh at “humorous” references to the war in Vietnam, Te is this sort of atitude which has degraded the issue £0 incidental, cockeatl-party discussion. Your satire, n cis ase, eludes me. ‘Brad Parks Fast Lansing, Mich Perhaps iis this sort of atitude thot Beou: marchais referred to. in "The Barber of Seville” when he wrote: "! hasten to laugh fhing for oor of being obliged to 2 TIMOTHY LEARY’S WALLET 1 just finished your article on “Dr. ‘and choughe ie was great. I showed it to my fellow band members (We spe cialize in “ip” music) and they thought it was grea, t00, Incidentally, the mem bers of my band belong to a’ movement Known as "Happies". Unlike “Hippies, Happies believe in "work" a8 well as fan Gotta sty alive, know’ ‘Lenny Dawson “The Whistling Rabbis Gineinnati, Ohio IPERS” GO MAD AGAIN MAD readers can sce us on "The Red Skelton Show” (Jao, 9th CBS-TV), with Gail Reiner on “The Fabulous Funnies (Feb, 11th NBC-TV), and on "The Ed Sullivan Show; (Ape! 28th CBS-TV) Ward lis, Digestion & Staging “The Doodietown Pipers Van Nuys, California The Doodletown Pipers stage a “Loven” with MAD MISSION: PREDICTABLE Apparently some TV series are par. flcularly susceptible to the renowned "MAD Treatment.” We enjoy such take offs immensely, but regard it as a mark of distinction that you've never given our Series, "Mission: Impossible’, a satizical hhosing. Can it be that you've laid off be ‘cause our writers afford us sensible plots? You might call this inquiry "Mission: Curious" on our pacts, Martin Landas Barbara Bain Hollywood, Calif No, we've laid off becouse our writers haven't afforded us inoneencugh plots, Until now! See poge 27 of this iivel—Ed, THE JOE NASTY SHOW 1 thought your satie, "The Joe Nasty Show’, was quite unfair to TV stats like Joe Pyne ad Alan Burke who are, in my ‘pinion, lovable fellows. And anyone who disagrees is a diery Commie! Jetty Coraz Indianapolis, Ind ‘Thanks for striking a blow against opinionated no-minds, ‘Wynne Taylor North Carolina Sate “The Joe Nasty Show’ was the fun. nest article you have ever printed. T laughed so hard, my father had to theeat- en me in order to make me stop. David Gross ‘Chicago, Il I would like to commend, you on your satise, “The Joe Nasty Show”, but T can't Because I cat stop laughing! Alan Thompson West Sencea, N.Y Maybe we should introduce you to David Gross'sfather—Ed. ‘Jo Nasty” is one of youe all-time sreit satires. Isat and laughed over it for ain hour and still chuckle when I think Of it: These sadistic shows seen on TV are altogether revolting and have long de- served your critical attack Congracula: Kevin Guan Lawrence, KansasDIRTIER BY THE DOZEN T consider “The Dirty Dozen” to be about the mos sadistic, immoral (ethical, not sexual), and violence-ridden film [ have ever seen, and to be utterly without redeeming social value. In making this film, the producers showed noc only poor taste and judgment, bur also violent anti- ‘Americanism, Our enemies abroad could not possibly have produced a better prop fnganda tool t0 show how evil and_ im: moral the U.S, Army and American fghe. ing men are. Tam a liberal and believe in criticizing our faules, bt chis movie went uch too far, My congraculations and [deepest appreciation 0. Mort Drucker, Lou Silverstone, and MAD for your won: erful satire 1. H.lee Bakersfield, Calif Besides being witty and penetrating its portrayal of the characters, the art was disturbingly realistic. "Dieter By The Dozen" was one of the best movie sat ines I have seen in your wonderful mag Larry Hollar Rocky Ford, Colo Dirtee By The Dozen was by far the rcatest take-off | have ever fea Twas Shared at the alent which Low Silver Stone demonstrated In every panel, and 1 Sas fabbergued by the betliance. ds Played by More Drucker with ac cai Tir T hope these to combine forces tn in foture sues. MAD #116 proved her again thatthe “usual gang of ions fee pouing more and more ioc every " Marty Aaronson: Hl Bao, Texas Another victory ia the war aguinst seupidity for MAD! Custis Lippe Philadelphia, Pa To patody a film like “The Disty Dozen’ is an extremely difcule task, and your version, "Dirtier By The Dozen’ twas far from the high standards your satires have maintained. "The Direy Dozen” was, and never pretended (0 be anything else but, an action film. You ignored this and attacked che film for its violence and sadism. This was not being fair to a movie that never pretended to be anything else but an action film, Dale Winogura Tos Angeles, Calf That's like saying we shouldh’tertcize the ‘tions of a man who never pretends to be Snything ese but o murderer ities By The Dozen” was hilarious! Jost one thing-why use all chose crim anally insane tops in all fucure miliary fnissions? Woulda' the self of MAD be sufficient? Keay Davidson Toronto, Ont., Can Pieote address all correspondence to MAD, Dept. 118, 465 MADison Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 FOR JUST A LITTLE FOLDING YOU DON'T MONEY HAVE TO FISH AROUND AT THE NEWSSTANDS! ae } — 7, ‘Origen by Bean! Photsorapy by Iving Soils SUBSCRIBE TO and have the next 19 issues mailed directly to your own tank! use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.¥. 10022 | onclose $5.00". Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 19 issues of MAD Magazi NAME. ADDRESS. erry. STATE, sin ange, $800 ins, Funds, aye by Iatmatonl Money rd of check erawn on AA Gan, Ou 08 sl Smaak ar oper pte epoca We chal Se ASAASAEYS AN diate ie Oe moe oe SHEER UR MONEY OROEH PREFERAE we'd Uke te get tothe In he sock our moving Sean! ge mall 292 fort (or 80¢ for 3; or $1.00 fr So: MAO, 408 MaDison Avene, M,N Y. 10022BELLE, BOOK AND VANDALS DEPT, AND NOW, MAD PRESENTS ITS VERSION OF THE MOTION PICTURE THAT TAKES ae r 1 In i Me) 27 aa myTS TITLE FROM THE OPENING SCENE, WHICH GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS: ts great getting | [ Yeah, thaven't || understand you back tothe kids. || punched anybody again, a? im[Now, | Know we're going to get| along just fine, Class! If any through his thick ‘youtell? ‘you to feel free to discuss it tre you slapping || and we want to help him ‘with me! | will be right here him around? at my desk every morning... ae like to say that | think Miss Parrot! Ties tse 00 get ‘Miss Parrot, on behait | [Thank you— : i ead of the brown-nosers of || but how ean of you havea problem, | want Mr McHate, why || that we're his friends, fhe Gass | would hist teacher! You're providing the person who took my desk THIS morning i kind enough to return ito me! 1—___r [An—Miss Parrot, In this school, the new member | that's part of of the Foreign i Really? Language Dept fi —- Hmmm! can see why you teach English! Pood Ka Teaching in pace lke wy are his making you you nervous, she Frm || ewtehing?os Mr. MeHate, tmust |[ How did you get a Incidentally, ‘But they _ | lite tellyou about my. ff NEW room? That room Tjustsaw |[ isthe GymTeacher's| | wore setting || tn that case, ra Teoom! Every window f] should have been some boys || jobtoreport that! || firetothe || better do something ||!*broken, the biack || assigned to one of setting ire || You're only supposed | | Gym Teacher, || immediately! board is cracked, {| the senior teachers tothe Gym! |] to reportfires in too! schedule a Fire Dri for later today! here! You shouls have and there's @ big gotten an OLD room! hole in the floor! Actually, I'm an unpublished You're don't new |] Yes.thisis || know! novelist! I'm writing a book here, myfirst |} really aren't [| appointment! || ‘never Don't you just ‘Sounds very much B) tke “A Tale ot girlhasa Sorry! | can't! mean the ‘Two Cities”! badly bruised | | “According to WHOLE pupit! eye! will you |_| ‘regulations, Not just the ‘reatit, eye! lean’t please?is note you sent me, you said That's the 1e most handsomest man in the| lasttime partment.” That sentence is Tiever incerect it shou have read “the most lean to handsomest man in the ENTIRE SCHOOL"! ‘write! Don't be silly I'm ‘only a Sophomore! We haven't learned to write yet! But f you ‘help me, | wil Gee, 'm s0in love with Mr. Deranger—thatfiery| | Then why ersonality—thatdevit- | | don't you Mray-eare attitude—that || wete him fnivcast Bish accent! || a note and tell him? aia ae ‘stupid child! Wel. Ill show him Ny RD | dimeseons N Tauess 1AM prety ff Because 'm much prettier than Sidney Poitier! Er... you wanna bet?!F| Yeah, put the bye, Br bested, | || Sonny to hear tat way your face 5 ve come ‘Our school needs keeps twitching, AS | tothe teachers like you! keep missing! conclusion | E 7 that I'm a not happy herettwant| | [You make the rest toleavel of us look good! None of my other ; —— | Really, || teachers ever im using your theo 0 IW vcat Teacher fi] Realy, | “cers cue about “making learning Fa a Veverhad! f}] 208°? || anyone before! a smart-alee (Oh, I got thinking about how very fortunate | am tobe teaching in this tltra-exclusive PRIVATE SCHOOL!PASSING THE BUCK DEPT. Hi, there, fans! I'm Frank Gifted— {former football star, and present announcing star—with a selection ‘Of slides and a brilliant running ‘commentary designed to give you the whole fantastic story... including the beginning, the in-between years, ‘the present, and the future of From a modest beginning, Pro Football has grown into the Number One ‘American Sport of today. Look at this typical modern football stadium fon a typical Sunday with 150,000 screaming football fans... 75,000 inside the stadium, screaming at the But it wasn’t always ike this! Pro Football has known same lean times! For example, in the carly days, the average Pro Football Player was not very impressive, physically! Here are two ‘average men of forty years ago. The man on the left was a typical Pro Football Player! The man fon the right was a typical “Jockey! BBut thanks to improved working conditions, higher Bay, and vitamins, the Pro Football Player of today hhas grown to become an { ‘awesome physical specimen. JEM Here are two average men of today. The man on the left is'@ Pro Football Player. The man on the right is only a Heavy- weight Boxing Champion!‘Once again, we see the typical Pro Footbal! Player of 40 years ago... getting paid after 2 game. Back then, most Pro Players averaged about $10 a game. Today, some football stars ‘make over 100 times as much—and that’s just in college, before they turn “Professional”! ee Now, let's compare the job demands made on Piayers of both eras. Inthe old days, the Player had to maintain a killing physical pace. He had to play 2 full 60 minutes of every game. He had to be able to run, kick, tackle, block, pass and receive—and still have enough strength in reserve to inflate the footoall by moutht as feat (peel In the early days, football field grandstands were crude and decrepit, fans were searce, and money to pay players was usually raised by passing the hat. Not only was the Intake small, but 9 out of 10 times, the hat was stolen! In the past, most Pro Football players were incoherent, uneducated ‘men recruited from the ranks of ditch diggers, coal miners and disc Jockeys. Today, over 90% of Pro Football Players are taken directly ". The Draft is the democratic ‘rom college by means of the “Draft”. process that offers each college star his choice of either playing withthe Pro team that drafts him—or not playing in this country! Today, with “Specialization”, one man does nothing but kick off, ‘one man does nthing but return kick offs, one man does nothing but wipe wet footballs, and one man does nothing but amuse his teammates with funny stories. Here we see Green Bay's Huddle Wit, (Clyde Godzilla, out for the season with a badly sprained tonguet Today, because of the great demand for tickets, tis almost impossible to buy a seat fora regular game, and about the only way you can get a. Season Box is by selling your mother! Here we see 2 group of new orphans enjoying a game from their newly-acquired Season Box in Yankee Stadium! 493“The greatest thing to happen to Pro Football, of course, was the concept Here is a modern Pro Back, racing toward the goal-ine. cof "The Super Bow” on "Super Sunday”... and all of the “Super” things. ‘And here he is—Mr. Pete Doughsmell... the President of the National & American Football Leagues! Tell us, Pete, what's on the TV agenda for Pro Football next year? eof the men responsible that came with it. In a moment, we'll me Dut first, I'd ike to ‘or the effective promotion of “Super Sunday’ show you ts st sd depleting a yal American own let Janay and all ofthe Championship ‘games between League Winners and ‘the Play-off Bowl between second aes foams, and the Play-off y-off Bowl between third place es, and allthe |) Pete— ‘Yeams, and'so on down the championship games between line unt the last place teams ‘Conference Winners play in the Booby Bowl! Who |[ The owner of the New ‘And besides the games already ‘mentioned, we have several TV Highlight Shows lined up, like: and Wek" ana So's Playe of Last, Week” and groat human interest tes ie "A Porta of Johnny Unitas—His Life, His Family and His Formula For Peace in Vietnam.” really reat Pete, but— ‘And due to the phenomenal success) ‘of “Super Sunday”, we've decided || “NO! was ||York Yankees! Can you ‘to play our Post Season Games |_| chat || "imagine the nerve of vary dy ofthe wan Wve et Lo A) that guy trying to Mighty Monda |[ | schedule a basebatt Tuesdey, "Wonderful Wedhnes- hat ‘game on July 4thi2 ‘day’ and so on! And—oh—Excuse 2 ‘me, Frank, that’s the phone—DON MARTIN DEPT. PART! DON MARTINZin. J SHTIK, Tihear they can hop pretty good, too! | x |‘THE FAULT IS IN OUR STARS DEPT. ONE WAY THE NETWORKS CAN BREATHE NEW LIFE INTO OLD DEAD FORMATS IS TO TAKE THESE MAD SUGGESTIONS FOR SOME... VV SHOWS...lk “The Invaders” i a “Adventure In Paradise” “Twelve O'Clock High’‘BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. ol EALEF EAR. Thate shopaing at |{_We are superior) {I guess you're right! Let's the Supermarket! =| @ LIST, dumbbell! ae TTOLD ) (How can you THATS WHAT to animals | see... need bread, | YOU! | KNEW || forget anything?! ] Vm always so ‘we can use tools ‘coffee, detergent, fruit— roroncer || You nave afraid Vil forget || and kee 0 =| What else? | just know I'm something important! everything writen going to foraet fa st! ‘on your I Open your mouth wide] (Dos, tell me—why while | put this do you and your Xray tim nt pace! |_| curse ava leave now hold it the room with that | Sanyou" finger extension cord when: fever you Xray me?Huh? That's the phone! DY Who would be calling this time of night unless... unless itwas pf ‘Arnold? Is that your | This is your Mother! had a premonition that something Is ery wrong with you! Tiknew it knew it in my bones! ‘What isi” You just seared the] beejeebers out of ‘me with this phone| ‘all in the middle of the night! Talk about “Hero Worship", this new gir friend of mine thinks I'm the bravest man that ever lived. During a storm, she| became frightened, and asked me if was afraid of thunder and lightning ‘of other things lke snakes, or high places, or sudden noises, or flying in 1, oF being locked up in losed place, of going to the dentist. Of course, told her, “No!” ‘She was amazed. She said that everybody has some weakness... some breaking point] and here, Ihave none! But between you and me, there's only ONE thing that really TERRIFIES ME! T don't want to frighten you any more than you are, ‘just heard on istor radio that the whole city is blacked ‘out! In fact the whole state. and nine other states besides! not ust in ur house that the tights went ‘out ts the whole lock Oh, my goshi es ‘2 catastrophe! ‘SABOTAGE! That's what itis! Those Russians did it so they could ruin, (our economy, and— (Calm down, dear! tm sure it's really not that serious! Those Russians are much too busy trying to reach our standard Of living to bother! Then it's those INSANE RED CHINESE! They did itto create ‘No, deart Calm down! it really can't be that serious! Those Red Chinese are too Involved in their panic and ruin |] own internal problems our Democracy! | "to bother us now! Gee, this is such an intllectual, well Informed erowa! I'm ‘so afraid Ilsay ‘the wrong thing and ‘make a complete {fool of myself! PAS Just follow one rule: Ifyou have nothing to ‘ay, don't say it! Just speak about the things And what about the problems of Turkey— and Greece?! Oh, U have avery strong ‘opinion on that subject! When roasting 2 turkey, excess grease should be spooned off periodically! While basting, preferablyMy wife has to dragme { Let's face it, when | {Never mind Sedaingasnot"tvon| | rrtsytotme doctor Tren | | Reomesto geting | | that nowt judtgnes pe the wii | | henras, using allot ner sano tmiucta, | | Thee'sthe Hedeysuitoretypo-| | Stengthbaetehokime! | [ylowbeted coward) | signal og! darmienesle nae Tectalyeenamtnes | asef) ‘Oh, Boy, am tin for itm Tm sory, dear, but supper] late for supped Was supposed alittle late tonight! to.be home by six, and it's six thirly! Now, Mom is gonna yell Watch television, meanwhile] and scream, and take television ‘away from me for @ month! i Good Lora, es them) (Come, now, dear!) (Sure! That'sit!Don't | (REFRIGERATED) [" TH-THE ICE BOXCAKE!MADEFOR MY FLYING SAUCERS! A] | — It's not that you see? By shutting |p| FOODSI?! OH, | | BRIDGE CLUB TOMORROW WILL BE RUINED! face from another | | serious! You've off our electricity, THIS IS SERIOUS!! planet did it as a Deen watching first step toward an HL eventual invasion! ike that one over there! wage war upon it by attacking ) Linnocent people—ike us {You know whatterrities (_Thevee immature, ant ‘Oh-ohi He's coming] ‘bee your pardon, but could me? Those Black-Leather social creatures who cannot toward us, Martin! {you please direct me to the cketed motorcyclists— ‘Cope with society, so they Uin=t'm AFRAID! Maryknoll Seminary?HEART-BURNS DEPT, Some people say that MAD is too critical of celebrities, that we aren’t “nice” to people who are in the public eye. This of course, just isn't true! MAD takes MAD VALENTINES ARTIST: JACK RICKARD You walk along a To Joey Bishop Before you're through, you've helped to start ° oO A full-scale bloody riot; gin coat You leave a trail of burned-out homes, Of people forming breadlines; But what the hell! Why should you care That you'll remind us you With Sammy, Frank and Dino; You must know things fo talk about, If we may be so candi, That bore us less than all those tales Of what your precious Clan did! Your “Sergeant Pepper” is a smash; Your loyal fans defend it; We've even heard a few of them Maintain they comprehend it; We know you guys would like to build SX Good will between our nations; ‘So next time won't you please provide American translations?avery kindly view toward celebrities, even when they rub us the wrong way. To prove our point, this year we're showing our affection by sending out these .. . TO CELEBRITIES WRITER: FRANK JACOBS To Alan Burke & Joe Pyne venilalavadherenl Youwrealhe your hair with roses: You double-crossed your NATO pals; ‘You finked on Western Europe; ‘And then you came to Canada To see what you could stir up: ou like Moses: Amid their dirt and squalor; Now that you've prowed low greal yowtare What bier proof de people need Nema eeresins That you're noted scholar? a al vac26 To (Princess) Pee Radziwill We're glad that you've turned actress, dear, That you've reached instant stardom; Sowhat if critics aren't polite- Your eyes possess a vacant star knock-kneed ; ‘ion leaders ever shun came so gaunt and fatless, Try posing as that si skinny guy We findiit hard to understand Your movies’ eerie symbols— p looking like A yak stampede in Gimbel s; But what's most hard to understand Is who would put their dough up To let you make « feature film That fogs the mind like “Blow-Up!” fTO SCHEME THE IMPOSSIBLE SCHEME DEPT. HERE WE GO WITH MAD’S VERSION OF THE TV SERIES THAT STARTS OFF EACH WEEK LIKE THIS: Good evening, Mr. Phelts. Thank you for pushing the “message” button. When you hear this week's assignment, you'll be sorry you didn’t push the “Coke” button. Mainly because this is another— MISSION: | RIDICULOUS ; A valuable roll of microfilm has been stolen from the laboratory of Dr. Demetrius Emo, the famous microfilm: "Your job is to recover that film, rush it over to nigstore tobe developed, and then turn it over to the U.S. LA. All we know is that the fm Is somewh in the state of Maine, it is so valuable that you at your team wil be killed the minute anyone learns ¥¢ ‘re trying to retrieve it, and that you have only 52 television minutes left fo do the job. So get going! [As usual, atthe end of this message,| this recording will discreetly destroy| itself, So, stop back! Bye, now That Coke machine | ..[ Not really! They once just blew itself |Jeot an assignment from] upl isn’t that the || |°a hydrant on High St. te salou ting [wc dave teat you've ever seen!? |i] immediately afterward!ee ‘Now, we are all going to Maine for this assignment. But to avoid suspicion, we won't travel together. Bowling, you'll go by plane... Blarney by train. || suspicious about four Synonym by bus...and'ligrabacab, || “friends going to one ‘Synonym, did you get the tickets? destination four ‘lifferent ways. i have Billy, Idiot! That 1S Portland! Here wo are... and the fae a $3,466.75. No, the fifth member 7 | Now=in order not to attract You know, this is the most suspicious thing | | I'm some of our team, take attention, we wil rendezvous "'veever heard of. taking a cab from ‘care of him and in three days inthe phone 1 What are you, some ‘meet us here In ‘oath inthe lay of the ‘You have no idea HOW fantastic... considering I'm not Synonym! I'm Billy, the strong man of this team! We couldn't find an empty phone booth, ‘so sign the hotel register witha ph ‘name and come up to room 1313 Wy, Synonym! What 9Glad you al Besides that! A made i Now we "Or, Demetrios an get down 9) [You] | Emo" checked in business Bid | mean || today and listed | yournotice any-|] "an" || his occupation os “hing peculiar |_| the | | "Nopsecrt micror || Meo |) sates || tirana reaister? | | smiths"? ‘Yes, but how can | | By checking Wwe be sure it's || nis room! ‘the same Dr. || Only we've Demetrius Emo, || got to topsecret micro: || _ think of film-maker, we're | | some clever looking for? There || way to find ‘may be hundreds || “out whieh of them! room he's int Leave that to met Hello, Room Service? This is Dr. Demetrius Emo, If told you to bring a bottle of wine to my ‘room, which room would you bring it to? What do you mean, enat’s the most suspicious thing ‘you've ever heard? That's a perfectly legitimate question!! Un-hunt Yes! 1 Thats saat ‘Thank yout Tieter Pf ne 190tietheyenrottne || [tiaeno] [lot wate rn 1 Peer a coset reste DW cer ||| ke ny mersocin sear tio ff aera i'n fF | same. || ‘infec snes Serco [Sms enchimay oes || | canveu aa” |p Sones, ten eens [LB onen'ns | | te» pes Seerteenutartorei_ || | oor ‘Maybe he's | { istent ‘just sleeping! | | somebody's = Good! if ne were just] | down the, sleeping, he'd al! Quick! tbe on tne beat |} | | Get inside! unger the door [| Room Service, Dr. Emo! | rave your bottle of wine! Slip it The key inside falls onto the handkerchief anc pull them both fe! door to from under the es) unlocked oor! Easy, huh? its, you Great! Only there's ‘much easier way! First we try the But if you don't mind my saying 50, sir—this Is ne most suspicious thing| ve ever done in my life! Don’t worry! have 2 straw!The Doctor's voice!! But only from the back! Okay, That's a recording of Or. "1 Say, Ihave an idea, y Why 'not cut the tape get to work on into its individual IR while Bowling] words and put it back and | discreetly together again to make Spread the wora| a normal conversation? | about Dr. Emo! | That's the done up there, en £0 to Dr. Emo 4 suspicious conversation "ve Neard in ry whole ‘ite! QUIK! Give me that ‘OF course! who vood sheet! Ii try to Do you always J] be foollsh enough foo! him into think: | to be “Mission: cover yourself |] to cover zemselves ing I'm De. Emo! You us”. with a sheet || vit a sheet BEFORE hide in the closet ot “Mission: | after e shovert | a shower? with Or. Emo's body!| | DISGUSTING":2S Sj Ves an now Thats the No—you, walking around! Imost suspicious|| What? Me,]| Because thiled you and || co twas [| yi 3ime¥, hingthave || walking || took the microfilm ess. || You wan [the GUN! Tatar ‘ever seen! || aroundin || than anhourago! |] the = Hey, don’t |] That's a bee you ? [J near anything |] hear The OTHER but a buzzing || vase isthe Flower Phone, you idiot! Certainiy! | was wearing ry bulletproof underwesrt_ | Now that we know everything, signal Bowling and Synonym | to intercept that nogoodnick, 'Nogoodnick, in the lobby! ‘to intercept that nogood— Flower Phone! a 4 Hey, Bowing! |f Don'tvett | || Synonym! Try |] down! Use fi | the secret Bowling? This s Blarney! There'l be || Got you,| | Look, Emma—a|| Why? Here Er=pardon me. || No, Ja man coming into the lobby any moment. || Blarney! ] man talking to || The | || he comes! |} sir... do you havel| I'm i ri (okay—go to || change or a Series|| sorry E Savings bond? answering isn'titeWell, could you be a 1 real sport and put down | | wil that attache ease? not! rinesrine: | [crmon, now | ropyour attache | | “fnara'sn caseana RUN” | | “another ronvourtire | | ger Here's No, not Rim! ff another Taxi! Taxit ls Ee rs aaa /I just hope this guy tips me better than thet last fare. That's not my ; attache case! || Nogoodnick! Now if you will just Mine was much| | sit back, we have an appointment ‘smaller! ‘We sure did. ‘we’ || and! guess the No, thanks! We just Congratulations on a job well done, er came here to talk to team! Your next assignment will come Ga || Chietwantsto || delvernis secret |] around foren |». | Gre ct the balls... ‘a week from tonight, same time, same it || congratulate us || messages! Now this |] nour! Don't you |p channel, from the parking meter on again: | again as usual owing alley? |] want tobow!? | —~oopat is lighting Broadway. Now, if one of you wil pick up now! Go ahead, Chief! this ball up and roll it down the alley, it wl disereetly destroy itself... That's the most suspicious ONGCITY'S LIMIT DEPT. Ask nine out of ten parents the reason they moved to the suburbs, and they'll say, “We did it for the kids!” And so, for you city-dwellers who still haven't made the move, MAD presents an investigation into There is a great deal of prejudice in the city: set : There is practically no prejudice in the suburbs: PM con't tke | Neither do }, but they wouldnt sell the color of your skint “| cosmetic Counter ‘cause I'm a Negro! But, Dad... what's You we sister to marry a kid from @ one-car family, would you? jouldn’t want your In the city, people are suspicious of strangers: that, Mommy? [pose q an icome |{ who's ][ tsa LIHELP, POLICE! 4, 7 in and pway midget [7 te wit Harold? a In the suburbs, the doors are What do you want jelcome Wagon"?! | | et nim fing my golf clubs | | U've been meaning to | | from me? He said [IT Please ieee hhe was with tell you, Ralph! The eee Sn In the suburbs, schoolrooms ar. please don't open to everybody: | “Avan Representative” .| Stole them last week! re clean and modern: lease God, don’t et this town put up another housing development without Building ‘another school! What are you doing? You iknow you can't pray in class!Advantages EES alee tg of the Suburbs for ARTIS: PAULL COKER, JR. WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL Kids in the city are constantly forced to breathe foul, contaminated and polluted urban atmosphere: E n T don't know the artes buts in ur wate Gp | They say that every Be very careful crossing S| over! Ill be waiting for you .. right here! There is very little gasoline exhaust fumes and incinerator smoke fouling the suburban atmosphere: 9s! | thought it just inhaled spray again! becue smok Since there is very little mugging and traffic on suburban streets, a kid is physically much safer: i % “Joey, you put on your helmet ‘and get down this hole ight ‘now! You know your father’s using the rotary power mower! “The way I look atit, Mom, if 2 lbiece of rock-shrapnel has your ‘name on it, you're gonna get ino matter where you are!Apartments in the city are usually very small, so there is little room for the kids to play in them: in oe YJ stay out [bo you want to ruin the You know the living room for grown-ups! With space at a premium and thin walls, it’s hard for teenagers to have decent parties in the city: Fortunately for the kids in the suburbs, homes are usually very large, with spacious and airy rooms: ) stay Udo youwant to ruin the LY You know the Out of [plastic slip-covers on (> living room is theret || the furniture uphotstery2! || tor nobody! With all that room and seclusion, it’s easier for teenagers to have those parties in suburban homes: Hey, you] [Twenty-five teenagers || You kids will have Really? wids—stop | | ian apartment that || "to knock off the eee that dancing | | “size! The nerve of || noise! You woke up | ‘op there! those rotten kids! ||""'the doorman | Gity teenagers on dates have very little privacy: | How come you don't close If tried that on the Subway last “| your eyes wien you kiss me? week and | wound up kissing & drunk who flopped between us! In the city, parents are often out having fun . . . which leads to unsupervised kids. . . and trouble: Tommy had a wonderful time, Hf aut ll speak to your mother, tonight, Joan—and tell be | and maybe she can drive yout happy to seo you next Saturday hight, iF don't need the car (ow, pay no attention to me ‘or my Bridge Party ‘shake hands "Good Night"! Su suburbs, most parental fun is concentrated right in the home . . . which is healthier for kids: Hey, Mom and Pop aren’t home! ‘Now we ean do all he things we're not supposed to do! 1 got news for you! 1 got news for You're not supposed |_| BOTH of you! to wateh Mommy Daddy's in ay | and Daddy kissing! Pittsburgh!JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART!PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEP’ magazine? Are you reading the introduction to this Then you know what “stupid questions” are! the 'No, fennis—but I'm so 00d, my opponents. Insist that | carry this on my back 2 ‘ahandieap! No, sky-diving—and ‘this is the latest design in parachutes! 'No, But I'm deeply concerned Jabout the damage you may have ‘done to the chair when your drill came out the back of my neck! No, [thoroughly ‘enjoyed it! But then, rm a masochist, ‘you know! No, | always retch, scream and ery when I'm happy! (Of course! And after that, you ‘can park right near another sign like iin front of the City Tratfic Court Why noti? Just because spine less idiots like me park thelr cars in garages at exorbitant prices is no reason why brave smart guys lke you should have ‘0 put up with auch nonsense!If you are plagued by clods who ask stupid questions very same subject (by Al Jaffee) that we ran several icle (by Al issues back. Sois the up-coming MAD paperback book and you'd like to put them down, ji Jaffee) is for you. So was the first article on the (by Al Jaffee), containing an all-new collection of 70 STUPID QUESTIONS No, we've starting a ‘lant barbecue for Sur annual pienie! No, we're watering a wilted ‘geranium in a window Bax an the top floor of that burning building! Tio, we've anowering 2 blazing false alarm! No, this Is the way prefer to live—without food oF water, and half ‘crazed with fear ‘No, you've been in the ‘woods too Iong, and Pm just a figment of your imagination! ALTOONA | NEXT STOP CAN | TAKE THIS. i; TRAIN TO ALTOONA? a belongs to the railroad i > ‘Only if you tell me outit No, you ear’ take this train anywhere! it_— Grown what? Yes, and 1 do wish people wouldn't keep reminding me! I had my heart set ‘on being # midget! Oh, is that what it isi? | thought you'd shrunk No, it an escaped ‘Convict horse! oS doing a very good Impersonation of ‘2 mule No, [r= a Black pony that leaned against a freshly painted white picket fence! No, Fm going] leg-breaking! No, Vim going surfing, | but | have to get over this snow mountain to Bet to the beach! No, i's just that | have these unusually large flat feet No, Fim having a friendly chat with » petunia seed! 'No, I'm playing leap frog, but everybody else went home!TURN ON, TUNE IN, DROP DEAD DEPT, THERE'S A WILD NEW GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BECOME PROMINENT IN AMERICA RECENTLY. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN UNIQUE LANGUAGE, THEIR OWN STRANGE BEHAVIOR, AND THEIR OWN BIZARRE PHILOSOPHY WHICH IS COM- PLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD BY MANY OLDSTERS. THE GROUP IS KNOWN AS "MODERATE REPUBLICANS'”. HOWEVER, IN ADDITION TO THOSE CREEPS, THERE IS ANOTHER WEIRD SUBCULTURE WITH ANOTHER SET OF HANG-UPS. THIS GROUP IS KNOWN AS “HIPPIES”. THEY'RE EVEN MORE MISUNDERSTOOD THAN “MODERATE REPUBLICANS”. AND SO, AAS A PUBLIC SERVICE—SO THAT THEY WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD EVEN MORE SO, MAD MAGAZINE PRESENTS QB APRIL 1968 ~PSaqc@GASFTEORIAS BOSH 15 CUBES HIP PI e TH e Me acezinen sents YO You Y On Oe eS i, What To Do | 1 ppout God attet You Finally Find Him IN A DE! ON HAIGHT STREET” EN sa our Chtap ag, tn” of y TAL ruri-€O%? Og % ye prey es ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN‘A MOTION PICTURE SO BRUTALLY FRANK AND SO SHOCKING THAT ONLY A WIGGED-OUT PRODUCER LIKE NIRVANA E. LEVINE WOULD DARE MAKE IT! sychedelic Pictures Present Xe Wild Freapout Acid Tryp ‘ite Hippie Teeny BOD¢p spine" Orgy On The Ste7p Formerly Titled: “I Found My Tender Love In San Francisco IN GLORIOUS 70mm SIN-EMASCOPE AND STARTLING LSD-COLOR! Starring Peter Fonda Andy Warhol Paul Krassner Joe Pepitone ss “Honde” as "Soupy The Dreamer 0 Foeao" and introducing GOD in His first important role. . . as “President Johnson’ cee SEE: tot, anne reorient feared a es Moncotieto nn err eee Bag Sac Ss cl ee ve & e SP THREE FULL DAYS IN THE MAKING! FILMED ON LOCATION IN WARREN BEATTY’S RUMPUS ROOM 42 ecm Fo Metre Mis nyo Oe We etd Ding The et Fe res HIPPIE CLASSIFIED ADS 5y a Little Old Lady Hippie on the 39 MALE HIPPIES, 4 FEMALE HIPPIES, Seek 5. Female’ Hippies to. share ‘One-room pad on. Haight ‘St. All replies confidential. Our Landlord Knows about this ad, Box H81 TRADE three locks of Allen Gins- berg’s beard for one swatch from imothy Leary’s toga. Box HE? to find God, desires Young Female Traveling Companion ineate L don't connect Hor Hi! ‘GREENWICH VILLAGE HIPPIE socks trip to, West Coast. Tl stay here. You tive my mind to California, Week ‘of July uh, Box HSS RAGA ROCK GROUP trio seeks fourth member, to explain the melodies 10 foutof-sight Boogaloo. Box He LET US HANOLE YOUR NEXT LSD TR. Avoid Freaous. We make al hecessary arrangements, Hallucina- tions “cerefully planned. » The Turned-On Travel” Agency. Box #90 HELP | AM BEING WELO PRISONER in my HiFi and. TV-equipped own oom in the suburban home of my imateriaistie, conformist parents FREE GUIDE TO 101 MOUNTAINS where you can dwell, meditate, tum om, roove ‘and hold orgies including Several active volcanos. Box H93 ‘COMPLETE WORDS AND MUSIC to. 97 Buddhist Chants. Only $2.50. Box Hos THROW AWAY THAT TRUSS Easing ‘Rew cure for hernias res Yoga Lotus Positior LET US CATER YOUR NEXT POT PARTY Served, Write’ Leo's Payehedeica tessen.'Box Hi12 LOOKING FOR 6007 1 will tel you where to find Him. No kidding, 1 Know where He's at, and. who He 15) $1.00 gets this information, Your money back in 7 days if you're not Completely stished with Him. Box uns MELVIN, YOUVE GOT TO COME WOME! We understand why you dropped ‘out of our hypocritical conformist existence devoted to the acquit ‘of material thing, to tune in on the peace, brotherhood and psychedelic Joys of the turmed-on Hippie Move ment. I just that we eam no longer afford to send you the money you red to siay there,THIS MONTH'S ~ > PRIZE-WINNING # HIPPIE CONFESSION Thad T had put my retreat at 2%, and blown my mind on “LSD-Pablum” Thad meditated on every mountain, including Mt Vesuvins—where Vd grooved a minor eruption while shouting “Soek It To Me, Baby!" I had “switched on and “found my thing” with the great Hippie Philos. ophers, like Socrates and Nietzsche and Buddha—not only reading them, but dating them as well! (I was on uuneut morphine at that time!) Thad grooved on STP tabs, tripped on oon hashish, smi airplanes! R still in flight! T ha Haight had VIBRATION. You seo, I was walking barefoot through Tomp kins Square Park in the rain at the time. I was we strand upon strand of those little metallie beads arou my neck, and string upon str hose little metallie bells around my feet. And suddenly, there was this ear- clap of thunder, like, right over my head blinding lightwing flash! Before I knew it, I was (CONT. ON PAGE 57)GODOCEHE (‘The Hippie The pas below have ne paced on ir Biber Rell ane chsted rm wy men ey iim cee nee a Seams ‘MOHAMMAD TISHMAN Tompkina Squere Park For burning incense ata suburban barbecue lawn party GAUGAIN GREENSPAN Greenwich Vilage For coming toa love-in with his own date MANDALA O'TOOLE Haight Ashbury For smoking a cigarette with a brand-name onit ‘SAROD COWZNOFSKI Fire Island For taking LSD trip and seeing his parents Advice BBA. Up Tight Each issue, Abba Bennadam answers the questions of the uptight, turedon, the freakedout, the hung-up and the farmmished. Abba Benna- damm is a’ Mystic, a Seer, a Prophet, a Poet, a Free-Thinker and an Atunic ‘num Storm Door Salesman. Abba Bennadam is also a very wise man. Because he realizes that you can't make a living’ as a, Mystic, a Seer, a. Prophet, Poet or a Free-Thinler Dear Abba: Tam planning to take my first mind- expanding “trip”. But I have been warned that LSD is habit-forming. Is thie true? Bugged San Francisco, Cal Dear Bugged: 1 have been taking mind-expanding LSD trips every day for the past 11 years, and T haven't found it habit- forming Dear Abb: Like, I am hip. Can you help me. I am looking for some wild new vibration. I would prefer something relating to the Far Eastern cults. Do you have any suggestion: asec St. Louis, Mo. Dear Hopped-Up: ‘Try sticking your head between two Chinese gongs. Dear Abba: Enclosed is my picture. I am an ‘Acid-Head living on Fire Island, N. Y. Recently, my Doctor informed me that Twas pregnant. I have heard that LSD can affect the chromosomes, Since I take LSD trips regularly, do you think that this may endanger my pregnancy? Worried Cherry Grove, N.Y. Dear Worried: Ordinarily, no. But in your case, Sir, ‘here may be some complications Dear Abba: Thave tuned in on a wild new emo- tional trip and I think it's wonderful Instead of the fleeting, impersonal, Tent, unfeeling, dispassionate love many hedonist Hippies turn on to just for kicks, when I make love I try to make it into something beautiful and precious tnd close. What do you think? ‘At Peace Greenwich Village, N. Y. Dear At Peace T think that's disgusting! Dear Abba: 1 am approaching 30, and 1 still haven't found God! Man, I'm getting uptight over it! How and where can find Him? tras Chicago, Il Dear Rattled: Don't lose your cool. Fil tell Him you're looking for Him the next time I ee Him. only as an Al jum Storm Door Salesman, Dear Abba: ast week, [really took a bad “t First I saw my body cut into hundreds of pieces. Then I saw my nose under ‘my lip and one eye missing. Then I saw my skin turn blue, then green, then purple. What was Ton? Freaked-Out New York City Dear Freaked-Out: You were on the second floor of the Museum of Modern Art, and that was 4 Picasso you were looking at. Dear Abba: I've smoked bananas, morniag glory seeds, grapefruit rinds, grass ‘not pot, but “erab"), melons, prune pits. . just about anything you can narae. Now, some cat tells me I can groove with salmon. I think he's putting me on. So, clue me, Man! Ever, lik Ce Hossled Denver, Colo. Dear Hassled No, but I once due pickled lox! Dear Abb: Baby, like, I'm woke you copped a plea with the fuzz when they strung you out after turning on to boo and grooving with acid in your pad with this ‘out of sight chick who was tripping on STP but couldn't cool it because she ‘was strapped for bread and lacking the universal oom. So I put you down! Switched-On San Francisco, Cal Dear Switched-On: Stop talking like a child! Dear Abba: ‘Our teenage son has run away from ‘our Bleecker Street pad and is now living in a split-ievel house in suburban, Larchmont, where he is taking trips in 4 1968 Ford Mustang, dressing in the Iatest"*Mod” fashions, and, worst of all, ‘working for money to pay for these things. Where did we go wrong? Strung Out Greenwich Village, N. ¥. Dear Strung-Out You wigged out somewhere along the line. If you'd provided him with anor ‘mal, dirty, loft environment, shown an interest in his free-tove problems, and supplied him with the things he really needed, like hashish and STP pills, per- haps he wouldn't have split the scene for a rebellious life in suburbia.IN THE WAY OF EXPL D ‘UPTIGHT’ IS Ai anion ans, he, bl ene, BS DRY SUGAR CUBC UPTIGHT is.. UPTIGHT is... he «sing les ofthe-valley sprout having the light go out onthe iio the Marjoana seeds you planed ‘ont jst ast gts fo you. _jlingalong he Barley cmos UPTIGHT is. UPTIGHT is... PCT looking around and seeing liscovering that the flower you've been carrying staking an LSD trip and seing iicet Parks at your "pot" party. _i'your hand for two months is actually poison sumac. ‘Ste Mormon Tabernacle Choir” UPTIGHTis... UPTIGHT is... finding out that Toledo climbing a mountain in Tibet to meditate, aaah Obiols where's at!™ and then forgetting what you went up there for. and thea discovering i's Mohammad Ali UPTIGHT is... UPTIGHTis... carrying the “papoose” on your beck discovering the flowers _fortwenty blocks, and then turning ‘contemplating your navel while on LSD, and in your hair attract wasps. around and discovering there ain't no baby. ‘Watching as your appendix starts coming out of i.Omar Ferdlip race nce woos pon is return to the Haight ‘ikiary won af ppering fourteen ‘months mesltating by himset on the top of Mount Stasin in California “Daistos have become t major force in my life!” Shah Bernbaum PROFESSIONAL PPE after being stopped by a tourist who ‘gazed at his shredded Army coat, the garland Of petunia in his hair, the filth’ on his bare feet, the spittle on his lips and the mud in his beard—and then asked him what he was trying fo prove, just shrugged and said: “AIL can dois try to be beautifull’ Samantha Gurney Tons evens roet ater being discovered living ia ike tint oor athroom linen lsat of the East Vilage VIM.CcAs and wes ike by cops bow come she was there “Man, everybody has got to be someplace!” after bei year, plus a $100,000. stock-option plan, an ‘unlimited expense account, @ Tuxurious ‘$60,000 home and & new company-owned car: “Like, that's HIS hang-up!" Myron Ghe Messiah PROPWET AND FLUTE EPMA asked why he had pelted National Guard ‘Troops with flowers during. riol, and then set fire to himself in. protest by leaping ‘barefoot into the steaming. hot Chicken Delight delivery truck, just smiled ook... that just happens to be my thing!” Moses ). Stash while passing through a typical square suburban community and seeing a well-groomed feenage boy and a modesty-dressed teenage girl holding hands and gazing at each othe white sipping sodas at a comer drug sor “Lord, what is happening to our youth today?!” fe tag What 8 no WILD SIGHTS ABOUT TOWN: Sans Nesatr drilling hole in his cranium, He's looking for a permanent turn- on... SINAI BOTCHKINs, at a Hindu “happening”, trying to quote the Guru with a mouthful of Hashish .”. . Sa- MANTHA Sacks and DESDEMONA TRESS pelting each other with pussy willows, and breaking out in a rash ... Hippie cut-up Rama Dov, trying for laughs by empty- ing a sack of Farina on Srrax TWEEDY while shouting, “Flour Power!” (He didn’t get any!) ... ANO1E THE Ox, Satty Tue Sto, Murray THe UNCLEAN, Riva THE accep and Cisicxte THe Fuzz among the “Beautiful People” strolling barefoot through the scene. FURD FLACCID is being consoled by friends after returning from a “bad trip. Not a bad LSD trip. Furd ‘went home to visit his family . .. MADMAN MILLBURN, looking for new kicks, tried his veins and broke out in four-letter words . . ‘THe WANDERER moved from his loft on Bleecker Strect and is now living in a garbage can in Tompkins Square Park. And the best thing is he only has to share it with two other Hippies . . . Koan CALIBasit finally took @ haircut, He had it trimmed right up to his shoulders. . DrackiMa THE DiccEr has made arrangements for starv- ing N. Y. Hippies to receive food packages from Vietnam ‘War Orphans. Good grooving. Drachma! DIP YOUR PEN IN ACID, and write to the following, shutins: Joro Bottomstey, recuperating in his pad. JoJo tried to smoke a banana the hard way. While it was still in the Gorilla’s mouth! . .. Also to RASHA NASHER, who took a double dose of LSD so he'd be sure to make “round-trip” ... Also to BABYJANE FLAUM, who got a hernia carrying the papoose on her back. Seems the baby wasn’t in it, but her old man was! ... Also to the 47 Hiip- pies who were hurt in that terrible crash. Their bed col lapsed! . . . Also to Mara, MASA and Sua, three local “tripsters” who took LSD together and saw MANNY, Mor and SHeMP—The Three Stooges! Man, what a bad trip! MONK ROSNER, Raga Flute Player is going into retreat to contemplate Robert Goulet. . . NIRVAN Nussuum is planning to run for President on the Like’ ticket. Seems he isn’t popular enough yet to run on the “Love” ticket. . . Mociw REILLY is putting the fini touches on his new book: “How To Live in Haight- Ashbury on $15.00 a Year” .. . Orchids to Raga Rock Composer Scmrran BUNNIGER! Not that he's doing such a good job on his music. It's just that he loves to wear them in his hair... ADD TO OUR “LOOK. ALIKES": Noxata Zitcs, swinging new East Village tweny-bopper runaway from Great Neck, L. I.and ALLEN Ginsnexc . .. RUMOR OF THE MONTH: Smoking pot will become legal. The hang-up is: getting high will be outlawed!TRE TURNED-ON GIFT GUIDE For fhe Dippie Who Has Nothing Now you can decorate yourself in the latest Hippie des “permarently! Comes complete with eleciic needle, extra ide extsnsion cord, (0 if you dont have ectricty, yo Cam plug ttinto the lamppest outside your loft), and hu Seleclion of sample’ tattoos, including a4 view of the Graf Spoe._a potrat of 2 Hottentot Bushman, a full-color fap of tibet showing ll of the “meditation mountains", ete. If you want to bo one of the “Beautiful People”, then this sixppicce fashion wardrobe is a “must”! You get’ pair of t oket, a string of beads, 2 garland of artificial flowers, a live bluebird and a box ‘of real dirt. Can be worn everywhere—in your pad, while ‘making the scene, when meditating on a mountain, or while ‘making 2 police’ line-up. You'll: look absolutely’ stunning just like the girls shown modeling the stuff above. "ippie Collectors Items For the sentimental Hippie who wants to collect relics of the past. Shoes. , ties -.. soap... . bras. . draft cards combs...» shaving squipment - . . nylon stockings, ete. ‘We’ have an unlimited supply of these nostalgic items. They make great gag gifts, planters, ash trays or wall plaques. Ee My Most Unforgettable hippie ie, byLlamaLandow He was out of sight! He was tuned in on the ultimate vie bration! He was turned on to the wildest bag possible! He was the hippiest Hippie! He spiitualized everything the true Hippie stands for... peace, love, gentleness and a return to nature. No longer would he pursue the fast buck, or strive for the Madison Avenue concept of happiness, or rot in the suburban-conformist swamp, of support the PTA, or attend the local Church, or kowtow to the Local Draft Board, or participate in Little League. No longer would he suffer the hang-up of the never-ending middle-class drive to produce, produce, produce and succeed, succeed, succeed. He had ‘Wwigged out on all that! Instead, he had found true beauty, lasting peace, the inner ‘contentment that all Hippies seek. The true beauty that one enjoys while sitting on a secluded mountain and meditating in the clear, cold wind. The lasting peace that comes after your mind has expanded daily on 500 micrograms of LSD. ‘The inner contentment that conies from eating only pure organic natural foods like liver powder and bone meal and millet "And as 1 passed his coffin and gazed down upon his pale, serene face, I realized further that he (Cont. on page 86) Coming In The Next Issue «I Got Turned On By Soy Sauce!” AMIPRE's You OF AINATOWN AKO Mi ACEIDEVALDISOVERY PG Serr to eed ea J Was A Flower Girl At My Own Wedding!"” AMIE BRDE TELS WHAT FS LIKE TO TH DOWN THE AISLE “| Mixed LSD With Chicken Soup And Took A Trip To Israel!” len ry we excuse ven “How To Meditate On A High Mountain Without Getting A Nose-Bleed ‘The “Do-It-Yourself Project” Of The Issue: poe eer eee cs 48 Startling Photos of “Bad Trips” NGLUDING OME To FATOGUE ON THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD A Hippie’s Embarrassing Moment: LUKE, HOW 1 WENT a SW FRANCISCO MITA LOWER 1 HY AT AMD Co DANOMUFE FY DAPOOILDON MARTIN DEPT. PART II The Sh Back: aedWHAT IS HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS THE WORST THREAT 10 MAD FOLD-IN RECOVERY With all the excellent care that Hospitals can give, HOSPITAL many patients nevertheless suffer serious relapses. Some of the reasons are shown below. Butto find out PATIENTS whatis the most devastating cause, fold in the page. CAN SUFFER? Osta FOLD THIS SECTION OVERLEFT 45 FOLD BACK SO“A" MEETS “B ALLERGIC DIABETIC “ALCOHOLIC ——— { {| TRY ANTLALLERGEN = MAINTAIN | WATCH FORTHR EAT FOR MULA IF PATIENT FREE | OFD-T’S SHO WS REACTION! SA COMING BACK! GET-WELL PRESENT BROUGHT BY A WELL-MEANING FRIEND VISITING Anv(Jateee THE BED PATIENT CAN BE A SERIOUS THREAT TO RECOVERY IF BAD NEGLECTFUL JUDGEMENT IS USED IN CHOOSING GIFT HE BESTOWS Ae +BMAD’S Great Moments In Industry