ASLAP AT SERGIO AL DON “ROCKY Il” ARAGONES JAFFEE MARTIN ... AND THE USUAL GANG OF IDIOTS ARE ALL IN THIS ISSUE OF... TAIN, COMPUTER DISEASE li ¢ ° ilEVERY TIME YOU PLAY IT, IT HAS A DIFFERENT, SURPRISE ENDING! YOU GET “THE MAD MYSTERY RECORD” AS THE SUPER-SPECIAL FREE BONUS THE USUAL ASSORTMENT OF ARTICLES, AD SATIHES ANID OTHER GARBAGE PROM Pasy ISGUES TW ON SALE NOW WHEREVER MAGAZINES ARE SOLD, OR PERUSED FOR FREE, OR SWIPED (TCH-TCH)! SUPER SPA 300"NUMBER 213 MARCH 1980 A vacetrack is where the windows clean the people!” ~Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN edi‘or JOHN PUTNAM ar’ director LEONARD BRENNER production VERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT leu’ GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MOREL, DAVID FRAZIER suibseripitons CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS. (he usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ‘ACOUNT RECEIVABLE DEPARTMENT ‘Don Martin Looks At “Dracula” AND THE BOND PLAYS ON AND ON DEPARTMENT “Moneyraker” (A MAD Movie Satire) A ROLLING STALLONE GATHERS MORE GROSS DEPARTMENT “Rockhead II" (Another MAD Movie Satire) 42 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT ‘The Lighter Side Of Competition 30 BYGONE BUY-GONES DEPARTMENT Still More Yellow Pages Through History (The Middle Ages) . .22 DISPLAY'S THE THING DEPARTMENT What ls A Show-O1f? FLEECE MARKET DEPARTMENT ‘Surplus Items We Can Sell To The Arabs GIVIN'’EM ARIBBIN’ DEPARTMENT MAD Medals Of The Issue (Working People) GODSELL DEPARTMENT MAD's “Religion Promoter Of The Year’ ITSHAKES A THIEF DEPARTMENT ‘Sure-Fire Burglar Deterrents LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ‘Drawn-Out Dramas” by Aragones REACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS DEPARTMENT 'AMAD Look At The Silent, Thinking Audience SCHOLASTRICKS DEPARTMENT The Changing Tools Of Education **Various Places Around The Magazine 40 ts oct ear) i mines mony ognet Four May, Auguttané Nove by VITAL FEATURES “MONEYRAKER” (AMAD Movie Satire) DON MARTIN LOOKS AT “DRACULA Pa. 14 RELIGION PROMOTER OF THE YEAR LIGHTER SIDE OF COMPETITION Pg. 30 ‘SURPLUS ITEMS WE CAN SELL TO ‘THE ARABS Pg. 38 “ROCKHEAD II" (Another MAD Movie Satire) Pg. 42WHY KILL YOURSELF? o JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND ‘HAE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! use coupon or duplicate~ MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 Jenclose $12.00*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 16 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME, ADDRESS. ory STATE——_____ZIP___ sin cumin, $1220 nS, Funds, ule by Inte! ines Bre: 1 eects g's LER" Bany uti LS kee arwr on SS dome hls weet seston ‘olen [nthe mails 29 CHEEK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED! WERE RUNNING OUT! Yep, mo nig ot te ch om ‘hte! They ‘always be aallab erat Say ne ‘Sits tor 7 er $08 fat tt ‘THEY LAUGH WHEN THEY SIT DOWN TO PLAY Your magazine is definitely the pre- ferred reading material as my piano stu Jents wait until it's their turn for a lesson More than one retuens to the couch after the lesoa, to Snish reading it before calling theit Moms to come pick them up. [feel good about having it there for them to read. Ics probably the most thought- provoking and truly intelligent reading Iaterial that most of them get to see all sronth. Mary Ana Stewart ‘Anchorage, Alaska MAD OVERRATED-UNDERRATED BOOK I thoughe "The MAD Overrated-Un erated Book” was underrated. because it only went two pages! Kaehy Sherman Mason, Ohio Fay Wray is overrated, Jessica Lange is underrated, Steve Martin is overrated, Rodney Dangerfield is underrated, Margot Kidder is overrated, Michelle J. Caprara isunderrared! Michelle. Caprara Detroit, Michigan On reporting National and Interna. tional, problems and commenting oo them, Time Magazine is overrated, MAD Magazine is unvlerrated Casey Hermanton Rapid City, SD. MAD js overrated, its readers are un detested! David O'Brien Oakland, NJ. AMAD LOOK AT DOORS. ‘A MAD Look At Dooss” was just door-ling"! Jill Kramer Woodstock, NY. "A MAD Look Ar Doors” was an open and shut case Brian Smith Cameys Poiat, N.J ‘THE MAD AD-MAN'S SAMPLER Henry Clark's "The MAD Ad-Man’s Sampler” isa leter-perfectarticle! Avon Lake, Ohio ‘YELLOW PAGES THROUGH HISTORY GReaely ENjoyed TOm KOch’s “THe phone COmpany’s YEI- HE IS To BE COmmended OF EXchange NAmes. OUr “Telephone SEsvice HAs BEen VEry DUIL Since THe Disappearance OF SUch GReats AS: Plaza, MUrray Hl, LO. vst, Flllmore, MUtoal, Pligtim, TRinity, AN OF COutse THae ALI Time CLassic FRom PHiladelphia: PEnaypacker LOoking FOrward TO MOre. YEllow PAges THrough History ARtiCes. Angus MeIntyre Vancouver, BC WHEN WOMEN TAKE OVER MOVIES I enjoyed “When Women Take Over Movies Completely." Tee about time someone realized that we're tired of see ing films like Annie Hall, Coming Home, Turning Point, and shows like Angie, One Day At A Time, and Laverne & Shirley, But 1 really gee sick when they make Miss Piggy a star for simply being female chauvinist pig! Jim Miller Sarnia, One. Canada MAD‘ INGENIOUS PLAN FOR A MORE EFFICIENT GOVERNMENT "MAD's Ingenious, Plan For A More ficient Government,” along with dozens ff related articles from past issues, proves that you guys are more qualified to fun for public office than the clowns who are alretdy thete. Hint, hit. Paul Absi Fitchburg, Mass SIBLING MISERY IS... 1 juse finished reading “Sibling Misery Is..." and Ii like to ad an instance. How about when you try our for the Lite League team and yout litte brother makes ieinstead?! ‘Scott Chankin Cheery Hill, NJ chimes Lou Silverstone seems to be the only MAD writer who actually watches. the TV shows he satirizes. In his funny “CHIMPS” he really captares the favor and the dialogue of che characters. Mort, Drucker docs the same with his characters, so how come you clods never team the two of them up? tfoha Rasch Pieisfeld, Mass. I went “ape” over Torres’ and Silver stone's "CHIMPS". MAD is what makes the world go ‘round! Vera Panet Butler, Pa, MARGINAL DOUBLE-VISION Hey, what happened, guys? You re ‘peated four "Matginals” in your Decem: ber issue. I wouldn't mind, but Sergio Aragones's "Marginals” are the fist things I look for every time, Don't don't make smake any any silly ily mistakes mistakes like like that that again again! ‘Craig Shelley Reseda, Cali Sometimes 1 read MAD instead of watching TV. Buc today 1 got 4 re-runs in fone issue! Please check out your "Drawn: ‘Oue Dramas” on Pages 6 & 18, 7 & 19, 12 w 33, 10 & 22. And I thoughe that reading Was an alteraativeto TV! Charles Field Plantation, Fa You're disappointed?! Imagine how “MAD” Sergio Aragones it about the goott We're making it up in this ive, however, with four eddionel marsinale-Ed Please Addvoss All Corespondonce Te: MAD, Dopt. 213, 485 MADison Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 Unslcsenasript wl te tures unless cconpnied by ell aseesed stamped even]STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE- MENT AND CIRCULATION (Required by 39 U.S.C, 3685) 1. Title of Publication: MAD. A. Publication number: 00249319. 2. Date of Filing: Oct. 1, 1979. 3. Fre Quency of issue’ Monthly except Feb., May, Aug, & Nv. A. No. of Issues pub tished annually: 8. B. Annual Subserp tion Price: $12/16 Issues. 4, Location of known Orfice “of Publication: 485 MaDison Avenue, NYC 10022. 5. Loca tion. of the Headquarters. or General Business Otfices of the Publishers: 485 MADIson Avenue, NYC 10022. 6. Names and Complete Addresses. of Publisher, Editor, and Managing taitor: Publisher Wiliam Mi. Gaines 485: MADIson Ave" nue NYC 10022: Editor: Albert B. Feld Stein=485 MADison Avenue NYC 10022; Managing Eaitor: None. 7. Owner (if owned by a corporation, its name and ‘address must be stated and also imme: Giately thereunder the names and. ad: “dresses of stockholders owning or hold: Ing 1 percent or more of total amount of stock.) E.c. Publications, Inc. wholly wned by Warner Communications, Inc a publically held corporation ~75 Rocke feller Plaza NYC 10019. 8. Known bond: holders, Mortgages, and other security, holders’ owning or holding’ 1 percent or ‘more of total amount of bonds, mon ages or other securities: None. aor isan s ome coy [assi08 —~] 11. | certify that the statements made iy'me above are correct and complete. William M. Gaines, Publisher 32. For completion by Publishers mail ing at the regular rates (Section 132 121, Postal Service Manual) 39 US.C. 3626 provides In pertinent part: “No person who would have been entitled to frail matter under former section 4359 Of this title shall mail such matter at the rates provided under this subsection ess he fles annually with the Postal Service a written request for permission to mail matter at such rates.” In acr ferdonce with the prowsions ofthis sta tute, | hereby request permission. to mail the publication named in item 1 at the phased postage rates presently au thorized by $9 U.S.C. 3626, Witiam M, Gaines, Publisher BOHB8 WHAT...YOU WORRY? IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE GOOD REASON TO WORRY, STOP KIDDING YOURSELF! WHY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SCRATCHED THE SURFACE! SURE, NOW YOUR LIFE IS FILLED WITH ANXIETIES, THREATS AND FEARS! BUT ONLY THOSE YOU KNOW ABOUT! THERE ARE COUNT- LESS OTHERS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT! AND WE'RE HERE TO CLUE YOU IN ON THEM! YOU'LL LAUGH YOURSELF SICK (STILL ANOTHER WORRY!) WITH: THE MAD WORRY BOOK AN ALL-ORIGINAL MAD PAPERBACK! On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand—Or Yours By Mail use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 NAM ADDRESS. crry. Sp ee Pucast |THE MAD ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE OTHER IDIOTIC sexo me: L] woRRY BOOK [ALLORIGINAL BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: {D DON MARTIN Gounces Back (2 31d MAD Dossier of SPY vs. PY) Atagones's Incurably MAD Buerencecer alee sais Sie Fr tT The AD Sunbie Bow ‘AMAD Guide to Leisure Time CiMore MAB About Sports. DAVE BERG Locks at Peale ALIFFEES MAB Scot Wagic “Pata Mab SBE Reem ime IR Sieimirete | Gkuwinhege JRB Ea BREESE Seer Tee ate se 1 Clods’ Letters to MAD Dr rere suite ie Us. ENCLOSE $1.25 FOR EACH feat Smeets fr deve ‘(Minimum Order: $3.73)AND THE BOND PLAYS ON AND ON DEPT. When Ian Fleming created his “James Bond” character, he gave “007” a license to kill. And when Mr. Fleming signed the rights to his character over to the Producers of what would become a rash of “James Bond” movies, he also gave them a license to kill, mainly his character! Because any resemblance to the movies made using their titles is pure- ly coincidental (and nauseating)! However, you cannot argue with success. Everyone of them including this latest “007” epicis a One Hisidea || who's of the” || PRETTIER ERFECT || than he those WOMAN? This is my latest invention! Why is ‘So you can listen f at Want! | Teer ateound [i tstte anions ovrektine cher a ene syaem i ourewatoein acter romaNotrcn P| saci ‘ to Yh incor sneer WoiielThesveence | | "BE | land ond—most important—n: | important? to get GAS for will think this is 30 aubdophonic sound syram, LL | ie ont cet | ‘Stan wansitn | | wetyLf PAUL pg Ane hick Fa ‘So you gave nel Why is 007 J] Because ho wants toshare |, [ Say your |:[ [Guess | Me, Bomb the riding in ff} the romantic experience | | prayers, F} surrounded! fl again, | combination that gondola | niththe one he loves Mr Bombi i] "There's i the most! Y ; a emysate [Pemee ny HIMSELF! You're : finisheat Pte me [ it oniy Teddy Kennedy haa something like this at Chappaquiddick, he'd be President by now! Franz ~~ A TTOLD you not to order | ‘oratory animals aren't affected! Take it from mel} can sae the Hight 6 shining through your [| scientist || F ightie! asked it || ALL dress The name |'| yourwere expecting || in skimpy is Dr. someone, Doctor...?| | revealing oootisn: LS + Because, as of this] moment, you've serwhere'd you et |) | ferme! Would | [Taah'tm mentee | “yautiew | | mean we've nom | sottorousnye? P| stipintosome: FA “omer tora fll ten Bomb is havir P| And can st thing more ‘seconds and we haven't «| hallucination a comfortable? | | “made love yet! Why? ? ‘my old friend, Gnaws! Let ime tell you, old pal, t fone terrible disguise ‘at FLL am? Taran TOMP on ae youl Iwas making susel dint (4 “LOVE to you! when you and on ing | Topol met won" iar tine | "oT AZ. Z WHHah! And audiences think they ean get away from the rank ‘commercialism of “television by go ing to the movies! | Forone Jo} Wo. todetray very goed) | ‘some ofthe film's cost! ‘You know. Chiet think it would be alot smarter if we hired GNAWS instead ‘of JAMES BOMB! Because Gnaws is INDESTRUCTIBLE and doesn’t need ‘all those expen- sive gimmicks we five Bomb! Were Why do you say that? Tipe aries intent anor a myown f) couples? They are The [i They may be| BUCKS selling them aaa ‘Moonfaker’ | To change the Exist- New Order! They are pretty, but cocktails... and ey q because | ing Order! To alter they're also. headsets for the \\ cists || Phocncats wy danas MCS ieee (ig) 1 tion and completely {J control the world!io, as a Character! Iau had been, we could have used you ina sequel. like we did with Gnaws! (andpow: WiDone-[) Sora ond moni F's T shal have ane | |too bad you couldn't nave been better! pleasure lett! The pleasure of king x Gc! A Taarerandpentiomen, tie an histori fst Te leaders of the world's great nations are here, watchingalong with This is amazing? | Destroy even I never thought u more expensive RST les Tm beeinaine to fee! this, picture is having the same effect ‘audience! Boy. You sure do peta 18 lot of mileage py out of holding petty erudges, dont you?!? | Wf Do you believe wnat ishappening...?!? ‘Since Gnaws found 1 ove, he's changed completely! Ni ‘can be FRIEND: ey Ifyou don’t stop to think about al the people he has viciously Killed wo Bond movies! a § "Good Lord, James’ Stop Going ‘that! Don’t you realize that, the world leaders are watch ing? !? Why, it's shocking!ITSHAKES A THIEF DEPT. WHY GO TO THE UNNECESSARY EXPENSE AND BOTHER OF INSTALLING ALARMS OR OTHER SURE-FIRE BURGLAR DE Dear Thief: We spent $100 on our stereo set, and 4300 on our burgla yp alarm! The 6vy next door apent $800 on bi $100 on his burglar alarnt set, and p.S. The guy acro! have a burglar p THE fie y ‘Alits me = ‘ } ) THERE's Wo rer : even SOME OF THE c HoUS ITEMS IN THIS PT a : WITH FEOE RAC RS RAVED oop WAITING For, 4 NUMBERS. ise IBENTIFICATION z NEXT Ye FOR, B VE MI 2 Tone EXPLODE WHEN ; TH Foo Ted N OTS OF LUCK! Lag is HOvSE / Dear Mailmeny RESIDENCE Or we round plocastalns all over must be Yours: MADAM | OLGA | ee | time you it the mail into our slot» z 2 so keep alt parts of 2 3 cleer of the see The doe re And Feeding BLACK POWERS \ th ‘i an A MERE Tough © ee sent any si6 ZS nase eas of WildFORMS OF SECURITY SYSTEMS TO DISCOURAGE THEFTS WHEN ALL YOU NEED ARE MAD’S | in RRENT FOR THE WARY HOME OR Y APARTMENT DWELLER oan DEAR MR.EXTERMINATOR: =z. BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN Pe you 60 INSIDE! THE bl TERMITES HAVE EATEN bid 9 THROUGH MOST OF THE rime BELT FLOORBOARDS, AND U WILL FALL INTO BS BASEMENT WHERE ALLTHE RATS ARE! Ley yr CLUB | THE GLUMBACHERS ~ Lichen AP] 3 ai TsTd bay ae le ry I Sofie = aon send | ae cor yy] = e SkenePN acer C a sak ah EOpkS AT... Ke= eg worxenn) = YY 4 Xo 2 3 4 Mg FQ eregg >GODSELL DEPT. if you've ever watched TV on a Sunday morning, you know what you get . .. NOT “Tom and Jerry” or “The Flintstones!” No, you get religious programs! And not only the regular religious programs, but also the ‘‘hucksters of religion," who are the hard- est-sell people around! Hi, I'm Mike Malice, and today we're going to explore this interesting aspect of the “Religious Revival” in the United States as we interview MAD’S “RELIGION” PROMOTER OF THE YEAR TST God biess you, the prominent |]/ Mike, and God Glergyman and |j]_ bless your won- erful readers! Evangelist the TE WTiove this tabernacle! The marble ‘costa cool mill The stained glass went for 800 thou! You can just [teal this is @ House of God, ight?) Land God bless your That no one ‘questions! Welcome finds out to "The Temple Of | | took kickbacks My Fervent Hope"! |_| from contractors said it Reverend Osgood before He Venalt Hell, Reverend Vernal! Jj your Degree || in Divinity, Reverend Ma A) Fe ike to ask me questions— Wa Western Seminary Tm not sure ‘And just what 1S _FWhat campus? Nhacz Dakota — se : U your fervent hope? tradevinions!_| [Vm not sure! Didn't God tellus te forsake all worldly wealth? EE {| Spe created sifferent) A ’ = ee ancien itsthe a ae A worked plenty haré W7 | Used Cars and /) selling Used Cars [_| went into your se | could save up [=| “new career? | the fity bucks! zity MThisis one ofmy I You bet! They're praying that Mtwas an Actat God!) ty showing nnn Tioetlmportant’ pe the nternel Reverwe Service Tease! || -Aweirmown) [thetrue path? fl) wings! ters tik "conan ait my books! happen ving || “rmtonaire | <3 Tow 30 we don't rm ‘Bloody Mary ina || talking abou! e | cisturb tnemt Wrens you| They're ns Parishioners || notmy pray forthat? | | parishioners! trasmarital | ciel F[laraestcontibotor ¢ cet f|_sftaest _f 11 body ever sees! He God doesn't care | | davsn’t have to worry ‘about expensive | | about being a snappy ‘dresser! But I've pot ‘my public to consider “Theye my ACCOUNTANTS These poopie are very] mastingreedyto | Why should er nee important Dopey parahioner rea die a dover conduct my chepentant [ Theyresomso sold guy thet no ! 2 Sines dover! | fusiytt neon ‘Oh, you sinnerst Twartto talk to you women out tere Whavare Firat, have them fil out tose cards with B wino are moraliy corrupt ... who engage in easual sexual you gaing [their names and addresses! Then, Il save them! relationships ... who eommit adultery! Repent... belore tis too late! Come and be reseued from the everiast- ing fires of Hell! Give yourself over to His merey forgiveness anc be saved! Let me show you the w No, the address cards! To use when my Wite's out of town... heh: hebDont Suen tienes HR) cowrenceinanicn m) “aemectiomecinoien’ TD tant ocinterenseae Ee “olantoonnounce |. tamilystrcturetrere are (| ‘tim ‘nilwentto send Ul J roo mary unmaried men doing |\l| not omasenals back nothing © propadate te racet_| \ keeping were they eame from me my Aa ——— _[ Butallunmarried men aren't (5) eye Th sider “necessarily homosexual! [|_tomosestaity int [-|_Aetuatyvodient marted!_| n Son. ..r Really then it tiet re Snyper spor wyeN I Heres wneret ape my wooly wot ttt seperesen | q ; AI Sermontor vies cares the ratings Last wook it | by over 500 stations across wos called, “Mork & Mindy || the country! Yes, sir.» 1 ‘4 God"! The week before |S ‘ations. have suecesstully combined “ I ke that religion and show business! _||\( ERICA”! || stop me, BS what's name of your show Se pO gs TH oper ra ere repr Tr GR) Sovoutape Forwnat...2 eae Fanta Fa Eentionet Foundation Lon Sundays? | [—Forseling ].| yourHousing | Nora Ncorowsrsas | loteinmy ||| Development? 5 Nono! | tape | ees, = : Housing | [ a Development” my "Spread The By donations and Contributions! Vlishow you how we do itis thie short flm-—oops! ‘Wrong movie! Geet You're: right! Oh— {remember Fused this filmas re- search for my crusade ‘against [| on Saturdays! ie] ihaveto keep my Sunday's my profits are TAX FREE ‘Say! lent that Sundays feet] busiest day! fy] Word Society 2nd worth keeping! 3 porno fim? ml Pornography!Tellme how do you feel about pornography? it's nauseating! Aster seeing this movie 25 times, Tot sick of it Here's areal good LN absolute fund-raiser for ust [Tran But we i Lady Of The |} | take the sin ord Eight Casino” ‘outof But aren't games Ul On? How do ] ofehance sinful? {T) youdo that? =e Remy ve noticed, as we've F proudest || gone through your col | achievement |" | “iege and church, that | my own | | we haven't seen any taxexempt || Blacks! Do you aiserim- | canst [fist asi ‘And this F ats What are they doing to ‘hat Salvation Army lady? EE al On, thatisalow > We snare the Fora contribution of il The people whose $1000, we put tne pm naris Dain wath donor's name on a 4 ‘nto K come to ‘You ean'tdo. that! Christmas ison Dee. 25th tocelebrate the plaque, and attach MMM the morning ser Why should she hoe fam) birth of Christ! fetova seat! We now [i vice! And the L's the best spot! Our have 5000 donors! toZ’s come to Christmas campaign TRIS?! Sorry | afternoon Making her relocate! 's $0 successful, you tld me! ou But you only have serviee! During planon doing it 2500 seats! How do | | _thebreak, we again in June! youhandie that "Judge not, lest ye shall bef judgedt” in ancient times, ib some people called the Tweive ji | Apostles bititeall |e inthe way you look at it Butthey anc who are they? zy Hook like: ‘God's helpers! They run the Casino for me! What gradu: ‘te? They play out blow, Mikel Alow 7 same religious blow indeed! | most |, Principle! ‘certainly de have {Blacks in my college! "How many] [FH ‘scouts that scour ghetto their four What religious principles th years of eligibilitywor eel [Of course! And Lah! So you took L_f' fees a ses "see! But what about the ones who DON'T make it into the Pros? Into the Prost |_,/ And mine, too! | Thandie ther = get 25501 negotiation! [| ther salaries! [| Who cares...11 don’t have time to ‘waste on losers! Tn addition to being @ minister Tima ite skeptical about faith-nealing! sees: ‘Let me show you! Lord... heal | {this man! Take away his pat ‘See? You're no longer in pai [But but] [See how good | Twasn'tin | |ami? My healing painbefore!| | is retroactive! —— When traise owl! Throw Thavent J) my hands, you [] ‘away your eonsbee f} "eatveshie || enches, tewaikin || tetare your. | | and WALK twenty” || “frst step yor LSE irs] LP a He's not only walking... he's DANCING! Praise the Lord 1 ‘done thinkin Tike to-407 | | wn That's very commendable! me] | Mri glad you're not just 2 meney-arabbing promoter! 1m selling franchises in our "Big V Redemption Centers"! For a modest invest ment of $25,000, you're inthe business Of saving souls! Now, the first payment includes the cost of a formica altar»BYGONE BUY-GONES DEPT. Despite all the books written about major events in history, we still know very little about the way our ancestors lived their normal, every-day lives. That's, because the world didn’t have Classified Telephone Directories in the past. And STILL MO His Majesty's Medieval Telephour Co. Classified Birertary (Serving The Communities of Snadely, East Rimshot, North Blatherskite, Grubber’s Cove, Upated, Smurnwell and a portion af Weed.) EY tot | Your Feet 5.90046 Scape jours [4916 Ir From IrLove ainfall |ai72 INaTOR Murr [ouaro 90987 |RLAND TOURS 35275 56987 LLOW P. D> Armor—Sales & Service 6. &R. METALLIC CLOTHIERS ————— LATEST FASHIONS FOR MEN IN YOUR CHOICE OF CHAIN MAIL OR CAST !RON | 21 Junkongrs! Row... FOrsooth 86166 JIFFY ARMOR REPAIR Emergency House Calls Made To Pry Open Stuck Visors ‘And Unbolt Locked Knee Joints 14 Alley of Thieves... Hngesqueak 81072 D> Chivalry Day & knight Service 42 ightsbridge Re ELLY Bovs = TEMPORARY CHIVALROUS HELP Hire One Of Our Qualified Knights By} Day, Week Or Month To Handle Your Work Backlog Of Maiden Rescuings, Ete Stall No. 9, Cl ucksters’ Market... ONguard 41196 | (WEIRD WALTER'S REPTILE FARM oy isthe bye Of Out Fors Ae crshng Yu: Manion Pe 1328 Highwaymans’ Highway WArtlips 2.3346 DP Court Jesters Carterre,Billye, 18 Buffoons” Lane Muster 5.6161 Gober #3094 DEMAND A WELL TRAINED, ALL-ROUND FOOL ‘Why Bore Your Castle Guests With A Jester Whose After-Dinner Show Consists Of Nothing But Bell ‘Jingling or Somersaults? Our Employees Are Masters Of All Phases Of Foolishness: Hilarious Praiflls Dirty Limerick Reciting Impersonations of Famous Noblemen Bird Calls Ofi-Key Lute Strumming Phone Now For A Free Audition—No Obligation Towethere's no substitute for reading The Yellow Pages to find out how a community lives and works. So let’s suppose the telephone had been invented in the time of the Middle Ages, and phone books appeared soon after. Here is a MAD look at GES THROUCH HI: “THIS IS PART II OF A CONTINUING SERIES, THE “COLONIAL YELLOW PAGES" WILL APPEAR NEXT. 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O's “hope my {0 ths Creamed robreak” {ALONE 4 ¢ owmenain ot 24 Dood Chickens into Show makes me walting an % what's giving 2 Business!) Sen! sand mem prin 2 ae}Letme wam yout] § Whe needs to got iy Da, an { {Las vepae show } Noone whotlunks| } into Coll Bia if “Girls dont will buy ; need w f a st ? (eighty pounds overwe sso suddenty— | Enew We will begin your | ¢ Lool ‘YC Th. avere areal the fist Anatomy Lesson | te sexy Nurses wit ieee by cutting into this 56 trough bi corpse like 80, a“The accusations of corruption in my] administration are unfounded, bare. facedties by my desperate opponent! ! EE RAS SSRI ‘iter many successtul years Grandma sawher \f Probably no Jf All the members }f Shel be out of retirement Shou dsiess. ths thisis Al. FIRST farewell moreface 3 ofher FanClub 4% with the gathering of the Llefttoiitt 4F mustbedead! J fist traffic accident crowd! 0. 2 [Then, youtnitthe | {where t ie \ | beach, and advance |} intoreivies and mingle te double-time tohere! | {withthe touristsin our educational system. Among other things, we've seen how attitudes, dress and the life-styles of students have changed over the decades. Now, here is... . AMADLOOK AT THE ~ SHOLASTRICKS DEPT. @) Several times in past issues, we've explored the changes that have taken place ‘ CHANGING TOOLS . OF EDUCATION -- AND NOW. MATH...THEN uty = ri has five apple | he’s ‘Stu a " Give me and someone gives tim ===) || uchyne. |_| HELL 's |) | has two aan Semore how many Kvery)\| | studea'is ely hear | | skateboards fie Spples wouid he havek yreood}\| || “Tessonat”| | eleventoes! {| and'someone | Fite feces ip |i 7 ‘emer me ee oa El stateboards caletator woutaine vent rac OM ...AND NOW... y andso the] Excuse it's just tat | noticed dintrencein’ || me. Or. [thatthe cassette boven concepts is that | {Grommish || ‘or my tape recorder happens Freud postultes |] “tohaves Bee Gees concert | ONE urge, whereas Fon? Am Hf} ‘ont and (Ml DIE before! ung postu Tratking ||} erase it Could you possibly SEVERAL toa low? {| repeat this lecture tomortow?ANNOUNCEMENTS. ..THEN . AND NOW... Boys and girls, as Prineipal, I've called this a [ 1 it’s been reported to me that the eat enelt] | about ; : " rout ot yout J | that! : 3 9 Cy ‘Oy! My ) {vou think YOU'VE] Tsthatsa? !Whatco ) [Tean'tstand that woman! entures| | got troubles? My if || YOU know about nurt?:| | Allste ever does are arthritis s 30 |] “rinow about hut! | | plain about her allmentst killing | | bad, it's agony ——— ‘me! | | to move around! : SodoYOu...11) ¢ Big Deal! | My Son is @ Wahi! You think THAT'S MEDICAL Student in an something! ! My Son is Ivy League Colleget it's |_| 9 Sehool DROP-OUT! He's costing ME a fortune! ‘got nine to-fve job with a Petroleum Company![Welcome io theneigh- | [ 1gote ] [Wow! That shows you][ _ Oh boy? orhood! live right |_| from the | | what inflation wil nex the look: Tseeyoumet our] ("Not ) {He's @ poor dumb siob who ‘hat hurts! | [new neighbor! What || very eb HEAP HOUSE previous guess | | [do you think of him? | much alike house! How much | a aid through iid you pay for yours? | {$100,0001) [_ $27,000 for inet want i! But you'll have to intend to give you |_| excuse me right now! see a Militant Wom plenty of competi- firstday_ || ber! I'm getting equal fon the job! Hi, there! |{_ Thanks! Now, lets lay f | [Andsince thisisa] (Okay... if that’s the way you Vd tke || cos ound rules 's| | commission job, | towelcome|| ~ at the outset you to your tential customer aay for equal work! Tiewee) [Fo every) [How dose " Ed McGilla, test, that ) ne do it? HE CHEATS: 10 Bee teers” | | : who SPOILS : |. chicks HE sneaks back to itorthe | |. tapot REST of us the Administration Building!went to apply fora job to ‘So led lke helt filed Nope!] [How come...22) [Iwas OVER-qualified! : day, and hundreds 3f others | | pages and pages with things ‘showed up! We had to fill out ‘never realy di It was 2 3 magnificent plece of fiction! 3 SG Youplayso_] [Youbetiim] [lcanremember) {That's sissy THAT'S why show my (SS /_| ate | Ser] NN play the game” ivenotfaid!)( Iwish ] (Mommy, don'tyou] (How can Hy children are tke fingers Mommy loves vou} | itwas | |love FREDDY more| |youSAY| | on my hand! if | bang my thumb, ‘more than she | | true, but| [than you love ME7| _[ that? 1? hares much sett bane, Toves MEI!) | itain't! 5 my pinky! And | feel the same way about the two of you!GIVIN’ EM A RIBBIN’ DEPT. Why restrict the awarding of medals to the military? After all, Civilians per- form heroic acts while fighting life’s daily battles as well! Let's recognize them with THIS ISSUE’S PROPOSED MAD MEDALS . .. TO BE PRESENTED TO DESERVING WORKING PEOPLE THE JOB.EFFICIENCY MEDAL Presented to blue collar workers, who manage to remain on the job without geting ied, while half asleep (on ridays) and hung over (on Mondays), even though the quality of work pro- duced is disgracetul and. dangerous. ‘THE PIGGY-BACK PARTS AWARD Goes to repairmen who courageously re- place an entire mechanical system in a car or an appliance, even though only a tiny part of it is malfunctioning . . . thus protecting thousands, of jobs. in the “Parts Manufacturing” industries THE SHER TONGUE AWARD ‘Awarded to salespersons. who bravely face suckers who come into the store for advertised bargains that do not exist, and manage to switch them into buying costlier but inferior products, thereby boosting our entire economy, THE PURLOINED PAPER CLIP MEDAL Goes to white collar workers who cre- ate fringe benefits by using company ‘supplies and services, and by taking home anything that isn't nailed down. These are lots better than pay raises, since no taxes are collected on them ‘THE UNION MEDAL, ‘OF HONOR Presented to workers who blindly re~ spond and heroically serve on picket lines without questioning the issues, the motives or anything else involved in strike situations, just as long as it means more money in their pockets, 35DISPLAY'S THE THING DEPT. WHAT IS A Bz: the time your parents first send you off to the Hilly Acres Summer Bc and the time your children last send you off to the Holy Acres Cem- etery, you are sure to encounter a type of brash, brassy, brazen, braying braggart known as a Show-Off. Most people hate Show-Ofis with the same pas- sion that they hate tornadoes. This is because both phenomena make entirely too much noise, are filled with hot air, spin around on their own axis, always arrive without warning and never leave as soon as you wish they would. he typical latent Show-Of will first display symptoms of his disturbance in early childhood when he can be observed committing such small, tell- tale acts as hanging by his heels from the school auditorium balcony, or gating crayons during the pledge to the flag, or taking off his clothes to play doctor when everyone else is playing softball, or bloodying your nose for the viewing pleasure of the new git! in class. With luck, he will cease this idiotic be- havior as he matures. Without luck, he will grow up to become another Jimmy Connors. mong those who never outgrow the scourge of Show-Offishness, speci- mens can be found in every color, race and creed, There are Black Show- Offs who wear garish jewelry, drive pink Continentals and habitually shout, “Hey! What’s happening?” There are Latin Show-Ofis who buy imitation velvet wallpaper, drive chrome-plated Chevvies and spray paint their names on public buildings. There are Indian Show-Offs who wear phony buckskin, beat on phony tom-toms and stage sit-in protests for the sole purpose of having them seen on the six o’clock news. Then, too, there are White Show-Offs. But all they is wear garish jewelry, spray paint their names on public buildings, drive Continentals, stage sit-in protests and shout, “Hey! What's happening?” i such events as symphonic concerts, graveside ceremonies and High Masses conducted by the Pope. hough modern society is tragically overburdened with Acute Flashers, Addicted Flaunters and Assorted Flakes, it’s still easy to spot a true Show- Off in any crowd. He’s the one who carries a bullhorn to cocktail parties so everyone in the room will have to listen to his jokes. He’s the one who brings is own magazines to the doctor's waiting room so the other patients will know he reads “Gentlemen's Quarterly.” And he’s the one who always orders in French, even at McDonald's . .. where he’s also the one who demands to see the manager because the place doesn’t have an adequate wine list. ithout question, a Show-Off is a unique form of humanity. Who else would run 99 yards in the Super Bowl, and then get tackled on the one-yard line because that’s where he stopped to pose for photog- raphers? Who else would toil for years to build a profitable business just so he can do his own TV commercials? Who else would “burn rubber” to accelerate from zero-to-sixty in nine seconds when he’s only driving to the corner for a quart of milk? And who else would have custom Christmas cards printed just 80 everyone can see how cute he looks in his Santa Claus suit?SHOW OFF? S= Offs have a knack for upsetting everyone around them as they splash S* ir way through the puddle of life. They debilitate their parents, nause~ ate their teachers and alienate their classmates before moving on to adult- hood where they irritate their employers and infuriate their co-workers. About the only positive thing a Show-Off ever does is stimulate the economy. After all, if there were no Show-Offs in this world, then who would buy all the purple satin bowling shirts and artificial home waterfalls and iridescently painted dune buggies and strapless, backless, almost frontless evening gowns? ne thing you have to admire about a Show-Off is his dedication. ‘Throughout his whole life, he'll do absolutely anything to make people notice him. At the age of ten, he'll risk violent nausea to be seen chew= ing a mouthful of his father’s pipe tobacco. At 30, he'll risk total unemployment to entertain the secretaries with his impersonation of the boss’s annoying sinus sniffle. At 30, he'll risk painful back injury to bend his partner into a flamboyant “dip” at the Country Club Dance. And at 80, he'll risk terminal pneumonia to get his picture in the paper going for a swim on the coldest day of the year. na way, it’s a pity on the incorrigible, incurable, insufferable Show-Off, for under all that swinish swagger, he often harbors positive qualities that have never been developed. Deep down inside, there may well exist the Self- Effacing Humility of Muhammad Ali, the Tranquil Introspection of Bella Abzug, joble Constraint of Idi Amin, the Blushing Modesty of Charro, the Unp: tentious Charm of Ivan the Terrible and the Studious Reserve of Popeye the Sailor. 10 doubt about it. At the core of his being, a Show-Off is much more than just another over-amplified guitar twanger modeling a wardrobe made up of discarded seat covers from a Tijuana taxi. He is also Thoughtful Con- sideration blowing smoke from a cheap cigar, Sound Judgment singing dirty fraternity songs at an All-Campus Convocation, Quiet Dependability doing wheelies on a stolen motorcycle, a Firm Handshake clutching a concealed joy buzzer, Somber Reflection wearing a lampshade on his head and the Face of Maturity bathed in eerie light from the glow of his own electrified bow tie. how-Offs rarely choose to spend their lives as bodyguards for the Pre dent or bookkeepers for the Syndicate or consultants for a Swiss bank. More often, they prefer careers as professional skywriters or televised healers or Marine Band drum majors. But even when a Show-Off accidentally winds up in some anonymous job like Top Secret Under-Cover Agent, he never really loses his lifelong craving to step into the spotlight. And you can bet that someday, when he’s receiving blueprints in the shadow of the Berlin Wall or exchanging microfilm in the silence of the Peking Library, he will blow his cover by impulsively blurting out the familiar cry of the born Show-Off: “HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOK AT ME!” ARTIST: SERGIO ARAGONES WRITER: TOM KOCHFLEECE MARKET DEPARTMENT Americans are bemoanin; and then adding insult to injury by bringing the money back here to buy up most of desireable real estate and our most precious art treasures. So MAD asks: Why don’t we do something about it? With our famed Yankee ingenuity, we should be able to con- SURPLUS ITEMS WE CA OUR SURPLUS POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS OUR PERPETUAL SUPPLY OF RASPBERRY SHERBERT a we raspoerry sherbet, as evidencea merchants were stuck with hundreds of thousa fact tha always have plenty left, even ‘ald garments, mostly in loud colors and portly sizes. alter they've run out of every other dessert on the menu. (its even possible that the New Orleans Superdome had to Meanwhile, Arabs and their camels go around with notorious- be built for the sole purpose of storing away left-over ly rotten dispositions because they're sweaty, thirsty and leisure suits that didn't fit into other warehouses!) The — have their throats filled with hot, scratchy sand. Sending Arabs are natural customers for this vast accumulation them our tons of unwanted raspberry sherbet will make every. especially since. most of them are portly, but only a few one happy. including owners of oil tankers that currently Olithem have mirrors to see how idiodic they look in them. carry no ‘cargo on their return trips to the Middle East “GREATEST TUNES OF THE JOHNNY: MANN SINGERS” NORTH DAKOTA ph North Dakota is a good example of the type of Real Estate records make terrific clay pigeons, and a niew method of — we should be trying harder to palm off on Middle Eastern bolstering the US. economy quickly appears. Best of all, investors. After” all e only state in the US. that scientists predict that we'll keep replenishing our stock: has been losing popu pile of unsaleable records as long as we need Arab oil. It Is only a suggestion that we begin this export trade with ha no place to go where they can Johnny Mann” records. We could probably do just as well from’ the heat, Surely they would pay $10,000 an’ with some of the less popular selections of Johnny Desmond, a cool resort area with a nice northerly breeze. Consider- Tony Martin, Jerry Vale, Buddy Greco, Al Martino, Rosemary ing the size of North Dakota, that adds up to eno Clooney, Dorothy Collins, Julie London and Tommy Leonetti, to keep us well supplied with Arab oil for several months,vince those Middle Eastern oil billionaires that they really ought to spend their U.S. dollars on the very items we'd love to unload. Employing this “hard sell” tech- nique, we could soon get our money back without giving up a single thing that we'd prefer to keep. MAD shows how painlessly we could balance our trade deficit with... N SELL TO Tels ARABS THE PHILADELPHIA '76 ERS y i Most everyone in this country, including absolutely every- body in Philadelphia, is fed up with these hotshots for + learnin, a team, But think what Boston (or west of Seattle, if you're going the other way), and the result is a multi-million-dollar bargain that ai oil rich Arab country would rush to grab, given the chance. CANCELLED TV SHOWS eter. To squeeze dome really big money out of cancelled American TV shows, we mustn't merely sell the Arabs our old filmed episodes to ‘we should unload the works, includi 5, props and costumes 1 to produce co episodes in Arabic. "Bat Police Woman, etc. seem like perfect shows for such a deal because thére’s no Arabian PTA. to complain about the effe ice on children. Infact, there are indications Arab children are already violent, and that their to keep them that way. FIVE MILLION HOMELESS KITTENS It's common knowledge among those of even marginal intelli: gence that the US. has a huge supply of unwanted kittens. Buthow many haveconsideredthe equally commonknowledge that the whole Arab ‘world is one gigantic mound_of Kitty Litter? Surely this means that any oil rich country would willingly pay ten bucks a kitten to get its sand kicked up only an industrious American cat can do, At the present time, Kentucky fried chicken restaurants fare about as rare in’ Arabia as Arabian restaurants are in Kentucky. Clearly, this presents US. promoters with the opportunity to start blanketing the Middle East with their expensive franchises for foul fowl take-out joints. This might require some typical Yankee ingenuity in parts of the Arab World that have very few chickens. However, by adding just a little bit more breading to the gook that's normally slathered on each a fried Arabian buzzard should look enough like a do chicken to fool aHARDY CRAB GRASS SEEDLINGS What clod could actually be conned into paying good money for crab grass? To answer that question, just check out the “lawn in front of any Arab home located more than ten miles from the nearest water hole, Out there, owning form of plant life that refuses to die has great snob ap- peal. Best of all, sales of US. crab grass would quickly lead to sales of US. lawn mowers to a part of the world where the demand for them hasn't been too brisk up to now. OUTMODED 3-D MOVIE GLASSES tribesmen have never owned a pair even though they live in a country where by glare and blowing sand are common. Equally sad to say, US. industry has a fortune tied up in tacky colored glasses that were made for watching the 3-D movies that flopped so horribly a few years back. Surely, it would be a lovely gesture for us to let the Arabs have those cheap glasses at a price they can afford, especially since the price they can afford is now about $25 a pair. oy CONNORS AND UIE pstend 1ern country has ever won i$ that the Arabs would, to win one, including se of Jimmy Connors really ours but let's, to get rid of him and Jimmy resenting a Middle E: Cup. Presumably, this m any sort of desperate meast e. True, I e he’s technic ity If we can find a wi Connors for keeps, who's going (0 lift a finger to stop us? 40 _SPOKANE’S WORLD'S FAIR SITE In 1974. Spokane, Washington held one of the most unpub: licized World's Fairs in history, Now that it's over, the exhibit buildings are even more vacant than they were when the Fair was open, However, the deserted site should prove irresistible to the Arabs who've never held a World’s Fair of their own, Hopefully, they won't realize until it's too late that they either have to hold their Fair in Spokane, or figure out a way to move the fairgrounds over to Arabia, DEFUNCT TRADING STAMPS It, is tragic ‘to think that four independent Persian Gulf Sheikdoms still do not have their own postage sta 1p Companies have coin It is even more tragic to think that we're » dumb to sell our worthless, leit-over trading stamps to the rich Arabs who need them desperately for postage stamps. Unfortunately, any Persian Gulf resident who took the time to steam 15,000 stamps off his mail could legal- ly bring them to this country and redeem them for a toast er, but that's a problem we can face when we come to it BANKRUPT STOCKBROKERS’ EQUIPMENT i, A During the last stock market debacle, many US. brokerage houses went out of business. Presumably, their electron price quoting machines were all stored in closets and are how considered to be worthless. However, with rich Arabs ‘owningmorestocksinAmericancompaniesthanAmericansdo, they need these quote machines to follow their investments. Eventually, this could also lead to the sale of upper story ice windows to desert tribesmen who presently lack high places to jump from when the next stock market crash occursCYCLAMATE COLA Soft drinks containing cyclamates were pulled off shelves in the US. after doctors reported that they caused cancer in rats. Fortunately for our new Middle Eastern export bus: iness, these doctors didn't offer one shred of proof that cyclamates cause cancer in camels, sheep, goats or donkeys, Since these are the only forms of animal life known to ex: ist in Arabia, there's no medical or moral reason why we shouldn't ship them our surplus supply of eyclamate cola INCOMPETENT TV WEATHERMEN For years, these dimwits have garbled up weather forecasts ‘on every TV News show from one end of America to the other, As a result, we alternate between wearing our galoshes when it's fair and getting drenched when an unpredicted hurri- cane strikes. Obviously, these jerks would do less damage if we exported them all to Arabia, where the weather has been the same every day for the past century. Just teach them to say, “Fair ... and continued hot!” in Arabic, and they'll be adequately prepared for their new assignments, SHAMEFUL FOOTBALL LETTER SWEATERS = I's traditional for American Universities to present let- ter sweaters to members of their varsity football squads It’s equally traditional for athletes who play at schools with crummy teams to hide their sweaters away, and seldom wear them in public. This seems like a terrible waste especially since the potential Arab buyers of these letter sweaters need never know that such initials as “N” and “'V" and "S” actually stand for such shameful and embarrassing words as “Northwestern” and “Vanderbilt” and "Syracuse. MERV GRIFFIN Merv's slyly snickered “naughty jokes” would probably be considered sensational material in those parts of the Arab World where women still wear sacks over their heads when they go out in public. To assure Merv of being a hit over there. it might be better to sell him as part of a multi- million-dollar package deal that would also include Robert Goulet, the Lennon Sisters and Paul Anka, For the good of our country, we would have to learn to live without them EGG TIMER GLASS _ Although the Arabs haven't realized it yet, oil is not the only natural resource they have that’s ripe for worldwide exploitation, They also have sand. As those of us in more technologically advanced countries know, sand is the ideal substance for filling egg timers. But, without US. glass to hold the sand, the Arabs have a rather slim chance of cornering the world egg timer market. So it doesn’t take a genius to see that this one item alone could help balance Our entire trade deficit with the oil producing countries, DISCARDED CHRISTMAS TREES Most Americans assume that nothing presents.amore unpleas- ant sight than those old dried-out Christmas trees that we throw out right after the holidays. However, we never stop to think that Arabs living in the desert don’t even know what a healthy tree is supposed to look like. Upshot: We miss a great chance to sell millions of dead trees every January, and the Arabs miss a great chance to stick them all in the ground and create their first National ForestAROLLING STALLONE GATHERS MORE GROSS DEPT. Remember not too long ago when rotten people were the heroes of American movies? Amoral guys like motorcycle nd fat, boozy, middle-aged guys who gunned down ers? Then, a few years back, along came a Boxer named “Rocky,” and everything changed! Suddenly, as in the glorious films of the past, the average movie-goer found things in “Rocky” that he could really identify with: decency, honesty, stupidity! Anyway, the picture made over 50 million dollars, and suddenly the studio found something i could identify with: greed! So it made a sequel! Well, we did our version of the original movie in MAD #194... . and being just as greedy, we've made a sequel version of the sequel. Get ready for How come -—= you're Hay... lookat | [~ Probably Tani this | [ Yeantt "get the | cheering for | Rockhead! He's | another 50 absolutely | | NOBODY fooling | | HAVEseenitbetore, > “poit, || aguywho ot adumb, years! He incredible?! | | stays up thati've | | stupid it’s thetast’ [ |rockheaa! | losta tight | | glassylookon | | idoked ike Rockhead | | THIS seen tis | | scene oftne original |""You're | | we already his face! How | | that BEFORE ism | | LATEIn ‘ight long ean ne go ON HIS Phila betoret #2 [2 i FeET!! |_| delphia! A__ o> Hey, youre] [Ws really Well ok IK [LOVEyex,] [its Atrium, nisi P| Youcaltnis | [ Shadaup, you Goin’ great, [4 tantastiet AF againtins || Rockhead! fiend! I's the ols, aFIGHT? It's [| lousy Pinko! Rockhead!' fe] poor unknown | dort -] Trainer's "a—{!LOVE you! || story allover agsin: | pISGUSTING!! — It's people tum, almost | | ‘ook | f aboutte ES. “Beauty and the Beast!) STOPItI!its | tke you who going the 30. | [| throw ine K Hey, too VIOLENT! | | wanna destroy Z aistance with | poor |J) PAPER \) who's |_aih, she don't Too BRUTAL!! | | the American SF “recharen | | ee that?_[~| icok THAT bad!VN eis i ” TheWae i reg ACARE Wow! Anew ef might be ‘lathes!NEVER heard| Soo? Sneaky] i We things | | Fighting! Thats a Sai likethatl! | | you ever think about! | | me to Hust gotta | | you haven't thought of | | STOP re | sek mete | | asking] youto| | | gate fight him | | MEin weeks! What kind [being | Stan et J azantt | | “otmarrage totus MAN just gota! | i upyourtaminal| | Pantpart.— ‘Posucencaten| | men eline aca a chicken, then Cough... gasp...Can't LJ Likea race | | os Spa = et | tonight! rs ED eine z= Rockhead, guess -——————" Wo, Dumm [No kiddin’? |] ‘what Does | [~ No, people | eee aieee | (Mdceratalo| RAMING-|. | Les | vines | ccaies ama coat ern mae | Ears = cole ATEN ae SGT id |PY (entteway temeta. Tse with you | invaminte! iy Sister's been like this for dayst We have to DO something! | got it! Why don’t you READ to her! Maybe a duck! "Quack, quack,” sald Rockhead! Ie worked! I Sustte'me thatiinspiee her to wake up -- theduck! “lam going toi ‘worked! ! Look, she's up! see what = school," said Diekle Dare ‘She snapped out of it happens with | if [S2e8L] tam going to schoo "| ‘She opened her evest ! horse! Elsner orn 2 way he met a cow! "Moo, est | m00," said the cowGERI GOTIA RUN, NOW... LAKE | : )ROCKHEAD ONE, NOW: . od fre hit 4 aTs there a 'No, | wanna esk you a question, Doc! I: reat DOCTOR in [MMI boxers ever landed real haymakers and upper: the nouse? Ml cuts on the jaws of Muhammad Al, Joe Louis, ‘and Jack Dempsey in their prime like they do Ma in these movie fights, Now LONG would those Doctor! is [MMI guys have LASTED in the ring, would you say? anybody sick?? figure about eleven seconds each! ROCKHEAD MADE IT! 9's THE WINNER! | seven..-]] If to0 late! NEITHER o Whoever gets up first J on, [vent -2-|| of them is gonna make 's the WINNER! Ae = 4/7) “Take @ look at “ROCKHEAD IV you Viana Wt nang ( . L aa wiyite practically ‘Sheer courage, it; Rocknead? How gid you Ets How'd you do wget to your feet belore the champ? ? | | ust beginning!Md 6] HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS ie MAD FOLD-IN Wy Every day, we hear of some new threat OCCURRED to our way of life. But on this page, ON THIS a really big disaster has taken place. To find out what it is, fold in page. FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THs! FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT 4B FOLD BACK SO “A" MEETS “8” NUCLEAR SCARES ARE WITH US... AND WE ALL HAVE TO conor ewnren, FACE IT. ALL OVER THE WORLD, PEOPLE ARE BUSY HOLD- eae ING MEETINGS SO THEY CAN QUICKLY PINPOINT AND IDENTIFY ANY POSSIBLE THREAT TO THEIR LIVING AREA! AP 6B