tb wll never oud MAD in ches Cae ball myer roak MAD tw chasd Lage A yrs , va vip a a P at OE CML OLE CLE Oe A Le i ff a an ‘ ob will mer road chasd te MAD again. EE Oe ELLNUMBER 128 JULY 1969 “Mini-skirts are getting +0 short these days, there's probably more Cotton inthe top of « bottle of aspirin!”—Alfred , Newman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production TERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editara JACK ALBERT lewis GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLL, JOAN ZECCA, CURTIS ANDERSON subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS ‘the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Amusement Parks . 26 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘OnA Saturday Afternoon .... aa efagentl One Day in The Hospital 21 One Day In A Sawmill 6.0000. 0002 _ 35 EVALUATING THE POUNDS DEPARTMENT You Know You're Really Overweight When ama FAIR GAME DEPARTMENT MAD's Nature Study Guide 2 FOR BETTER OR VERSE DEPARTMENT Some “Grosting Cards To Newlyweds" We'd Like To See .. .32 INSIDE-OUCH DEPARTMENT ‘A Peak Behind The Scenes At A Laundry & Dry Cleaner ....36 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ‘Spy Vs. Spy at LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ene ‘MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT "Drawn-Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragones og PICKET YOURSELF DEPARTMENT MAD's All-inclusive Protest Newspaper Story 24 POT AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW ‘The Guru of Ours 4 PUMP AND CIRCUMSTANCES DEPARTMENT ‘Tho Heart Transplant 18 PUNCH IN THE NOISE DEPARTMENT ‘A Portfolio Of Appropriate Comic Strip Sound Effects 38 RAH-RAH-RIOT DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Look At Two College Generations 43 RIB A DUBBED DUD DEPARTMENT MAD's Foreign Film Producer Of The Year .....- att ‘SAFE ON SECOND DEPARTMENT The Heist : 41 **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES glad we dug the Gur That greedy old Guru of our] NATURE ‘STUDY GUIDE ‘THE LIGHTER SIDE OF AMUSEMENT PARKS GREETING CARDS ‘TO NEWLYWEDS WE'D LIKE TO SEE A PEEK BEHIND THE SCENES AT ALAUNDRY & DRY CLEANER Po. 36 AMAD LOOK AT TWO. COLLEGE GENERATIONS Po.nae A FOOL OF FILL IT WITH ANY OR ALL THIRTY-NINE LYZED PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— ‘OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 60¢ EACH use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME [The MAO Reader) Raving MAD [MAD Strikes Back) Boling MAD lise MAD 1D Questionable MAD {5 iterly MAD (EHowding MAD [E)The Brothers MAD [The Indgestible MAD (Cj The Bedside MAD Burning MAD 1D Son of MAD (5 DON MARTIN steps Out [E)The Organization MAD) DON MARTIN ounces Back (Like MAO. (CLDON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories The ides of MAD) MAD's Captain Kutz OFting MAD (CUDAVE BERE Looks At The Ush (Me MAD Frontier) DAVE BERG Looks At People [MAD in oc (5) DAVE BERG Looks At Things (Che Voodoo MAD) The Alllew SPY vs, SPY (5 Greasy MAD tuft 5) SPY vs. SPY Fallon Up File Tiree Ring MAD OAMAD Look at Old Movies (Self Made MAD CJALIAFFE's Snappy Answers (CiThe MAD Samper ("Viva MADE” (C) Went, Word ete: MAD. (5) MAD for Better or Verse 1D Good 'n' MAD I ENCLOSE 60¢ FOR EACH (Minimum Order: 2 Books) NAME. ADDRESS. cry. STATE __ -z21p-CODE. = ae EAE? er erat ‘Saisie he US be ore "WHO NEEDS YOU" COVER To paraphnise your 126), "Who Needs MAD Mage A MAD LOOK AT FRUSTRATION Your article entitled "A MAD Look At Frustration” was hilarious. At the same time it was frustrating. ‘There wasn't ‘enough of i Seeye Levine ‘Whitestone, NY. My congrats to Jack Kent and Paul Coke for'"A MAD Look At Frustration ‘Your whole mag blows my miad, bue this article was too much, Excepe that Jack forgot the most frustrating thing of all mainly noe being able to fold the MAD Fold-ta” accurately! ‘George Winship Spokane, Wash. FOOTBALL LOWLIGHTS Football Lowlights” was really great! Ie scores an extsa point for MAD! ‘Tom Stanton ‘Tehran, Iran BEHIND THE SCENES AT AN AIRPORT Your "Peek Behind The Scenes At An Airport” was a truly great piece of work. Ironically enough, everything in it was Kathleen Dornburgh Glen Ridge, NJ. Somebody goofed! In your introduc: tion t0 "A MAD Peck Behind The Scenes ‘At An Airport’ you said ie was the fourth installment. 1¢3 only your third! Now, how about “A MAD Peck Behind The Scenes At MAD Magazine’? ‘Patil Menes Los Angeles, Calif. MAD TEACHING AID Just thought Tid lee you know hae 1 ani an English teacher and along with Rod McKuen and Judy Collins records, 1 use MAD ia my teaching. Nothing ilus trates satire, understatement, hyperbole, zhyme scheme (scream), pun, et, better ‘Thanks for the teaching ad J.P. Luby Benton, Miss FAMILIAR AFFAIR Well, More Drucker and Stan Hare did it again with “Familiar Affair” (#126), Talmost fell out of my eree laughing! (Gidget Goransson, Lambertville, Mich Tw lin pas you ‘warm. che back for turning a disgusting, nauseating Television program such as "Family Af fair" into 2 thoroughly enjoyable, laugh: able satire like "Familiar Adair"! More Drucker's art was sensation Natalie Callander Groton, Mass ‘amiliar Afair’ was unique for MAD. Ie really stunk. Creating such an atrocity is an “UNfamiliar Affair” for you guys. Better luck next tie. Perry. Brown Brom, NY. You've done it again! You've taken something as sweet and pure and innocent and lovable and warm and humble and SICKENING 2s "Family Affair you've knocked ie! That's UN-AMI CAN! My compliments to Stan Hart and Mort Drucker. Dave Cohen Highland Pack, NI In my neighborhood, video rapes of amily Affit” are chopped up and used as + non-coloric sugar substicute. My con= Braulio © MAD for showing ts the E.J.-Marin Forest Hille, NY. Your “Familiar Affaic” failure! was a familiar Richard Rubenstein Pompton Plains, NJ. Congratulations on taking another big, sep forward coward the elimination of ‘amb TV Shows! Long live MAD! Bruce Jacobs Rochester, N.Y. YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN THEY SMILE You're in trouble whenever you buy MAD , . . because Alfred E. Neuman is always smiling at you. Joha Laver Tos Angeles, Calif. ‘You're in trouble when the Newsstand Dealer smiles at you after you've bought MAD... because he knows you just wasted thisty-five cents on gutbage. ‘Ronnie Gardner Brooklya, NY. You're in trouble if you smiled at “You're In Trouble... When They Smile" because You’ Ia Trouble ‘When They Smile” was a rowen article, Bob Levia Se Paul, MinaHUGH VS, HELEN “A MAD Look at Hugh vs. Helen was very urbane, clever, and showed thos two characters up for what they really are =2 couple of major influences ia making ‘our "Sick Society” what itis, Sally Mortison West Hartford, Conn. Helen Gurley Brown New York, New York DRAWN-OUT DRAMAS I think that Sergio Aragones’s "Drawn- ut Dramas” are the best things in your magazine. [laugh so much at hese little ‘marginel cartoons thae [never get around (reading the rest of the magazine. E-Meyers Winnetka, I ATYPICAL SUCCESS STORY strongly resent your derogatory refer fences tothe bassoon in your "Typical Suc ‘cess Story OF The Past". As the second bassoonist in the Taylor-Allerdice High School Band, T have already. given the bassoon a bad enough name. And thece Was 90 need to say that 2 bassoonist re quires a big mouth. ‘The student at ‘Taylor-Allerdice High School have al ready discovered that fact ‘Steven M, Segal 2nd Bassoonise Taylor-Allerdice HS. Picesburgh, Pa THE BEAT GENERATION, 1 must commend you on your back cover to issue #126, “The Beat Genera tion”. Ie certainly points up the resent ‘ments most people, including the police, have for anyone with long hait and sandals, Kenneth Glickman Brooklyn, N.Y. I think MAD's back cover was totally uncalled for and completely inexcusable. Anyone silly enough co wear long hair and funny ‘clothes. deserves to be put down by the police of anybody else that cates what our grest country is coming f. Phillip Stevens Easthampton, Mass WHERE THERE'S SMOKE L-would like to congratulate MAD for its lonely literary crusade agaist the evils Of tobacco. Thanks you guys, today’s youth no longer feels inclined t exper ‘ment with nicotine and tars the way I did. Instead, they'te consoling themselves by smoking “pot’! You've done a great job! Benedict W. Boujsgewski MM USS Enterprise CVA (N) 65 FPO San Francisco Please address all correspondence tor MAD, Dept. 128, 485 MADIson Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 WHY NOT HAVE THE NEXT ISSUE SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME? lect “A SA SUBSCRIBE TO use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue, NAME New York, N.¥.10022 AODRESS__ | enclose $5.00°. Enter my name on CITY. your subscription list, and mail me STATE. the next 17 issues of MAD Magazine, Fonpenoie Yor cash les isa Ia ea, 0 SHEER OR MONEY OROER PREFERRED! ’ 0 ir 508 for 3, $1.00 for 8 or $200 fr 2 *0 ‘Mab, 485 MADison Avene, New Yar, New York 10022 INTERESTEORATTHE EW OFTHERAINEORDERS Every year, “The Wizard Of Oz” 1s shown on’ television, and every year, millions of viewers are en- chanted by the story of a teenage girl who loses touch with reality, takes a wild trip and meets a lot of way-out characters. In 19 when the movie was made, it was called a “ ". Todi it would be real, And so, with many apologies the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman and the Cowardly Lion, MAD presents an up-dated version of “The Wizard Of Oz". . . namely Furious? Cut the corn, Aunt Em That was thirty caught you smoking bananas behind the barat Woy? _[fwnars the matter with you? |] years age! inthis musical, | represent Yesterday, you tied to organize “Loved” YY Why car'tyoubea normal, || the ypice! teenager of today! Andi at the 4H Club! And today, you and the hired | I eecause he] | heathy, wholesome Kansas || Nad the bus fare blow this hick ds sang Ant-Establishment songs and burned K@ was inside |_| farm gil ike Judy Gartand | joint in two minutes! Now beat you BS atthe time! Ht was in "The Wizard of Oz"? old Biddy, so can sing my big soll Dorothy, you're a disgrace! Last week, we ‘down the outhouse! Your uncle was furioustinfek.d. Seal DFOURS ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: FRANK JACOBS J On something better than a cooked With an insane glow, Banandh will fly! . Fil tune in on that”’Mystic” bit ¥ ool chicks have an insane glow-} ne! BI And groove ittillat last hit) why can’t? na Nir-van—al Wh ‘And now we're droppi re |: immeting back to earth again! Re What's happening, Toto? | must be zoned! It feels a though the whole hhouse is being lifted off the ground! | [And now we're being earried u the sky, end we're spinning th ‘the ara, like, 500 miles anMani What 2 high! Whore am Ne anyway? % Hoo-Hah! The Dean is through! = No time for feeling blue! «~ We won’t have to go to class! Which old Dean? Our mean old Dean! «/ = Burn your books! Your Draft Cards, too! > We'll all... turn on with grass! Hoo-Hah! Our mean old Dean is through!| [Hoo-Hah! Our mean old Dean is through! | |And we. .- will never "Yessir 7 JAn-y fink professor! « Break down the doors and shout! Grab a chick! Let's all make out! All because our mean old Dean isthrough! —o / I'm looking for the Big] | You oughta Outi twant to | | verthe || The |" eiooweinonthat || Guru to ||Gurut |] | and he lives in igh and rap | | etp yout Underground City! with the Universal” | LOS? 2 a = All you | Follow the Dirty Dark Street! ‘G0 | Follow, follow, follow, follow! Follow the Dirty Dark— \, Follow the Dirty Dark—_ BV Follow the Dirty Dark Street! ‘oom! But I don’t know where i's at!I ie 2 You're off to dig the Guru~ ff If you want to spin like a UFO. | We've been walking for || Hiva, Kat How's tricks? Hot The glorious Guru of ours! ff The Guru of ours will make it so% ‘an hour, Toto! | hope igh for you? Whaddya hear The thing he’s got We know, we know, we know, we're going in the right ‘the mob? How about you Is better than pot we know, we KNOW direction! Let's ask that || _ and me putting on the old [And full of fantastic powers! _[f Until your furshlugginer man over there wio's chew.| | feedbae? Let's paint the town mind you blow! « (Beedle-de-boddle-de-boo!) You're off to dig the Guru— That glorious Guru of ours! ing gum and courting “Out | eat What good is money if you don’t have your health % Ata Howard Johnson's, eating, [At conventions, by the hour, You'll find me there, repeating \ 41 squirt my water-flower Those jokes no one can bear; df} Likea Legionnaire; Attall buildings 'm gaping! ||masure-fire sensation > ‘Cause there just ain’t no escaping| | With my Bert Parks imitation That I'm nothing but a Square! || ‘Cause 'm nothing buta Squai ‘Yeah (choke)! I know! That's been my trouble my whole life... « When 1 Gooutto buy, 6 AtRobert Hal! All ny ties say, “Kiss Me, Honey!" 1 bought them with good money While seeing the World's Fair Inte dark, they are glowing: its another way of showing \° That 'm nothing but a squarel Y off todig the Guru-| | Gott, this is Maybe that man You see, Sounds swell, its hope- | [” Don't say that! 'm going ]]| honey! Just ‘certainly a |{ well, || overthere with less! You |}] to Underground city to die || let me pull long streett || roiling || his nose pointed can'tfight|| the Guru Why not come || up my orange| [ sure hope |} ‘stone |] in the air can tell City Halll | | along? Mayoe he can ehange || argyles, 2nd} — we're not lost! || gathers || us exactly where rma total| | you so you won't be 2 weare...? Square’ Squareany mort — NU) \ \ = SS > fs je oO od‘ooh! Are you nasty! a1 was born to atradition All the Lower Classis stinking; That gives mea position» [Sometimes I'm even thinking ‘Above the common mob; Bill Buckley isaslob;./ * and even if | did, fot to you! Now remove || OF course And hope you're adjusting 1 don‘tkiss girls tm dating can het m my section of side: || 1 am, That find you quite disgusting, | ]itmightbe contaminating, > us..7 |! "walk, or il have you arrested, Wand with felt fod you quite oles [in pipe ont 8, “Cause 'm nothing butaSnob!| | ‘Cause I'm nothing but a Snob! a Butoh... © There's one! know > Who fills my heart with glee— ¥ The one person whom I love to see; Who can it be? 2 Who else but mer _~ ood you presumptuous little snit! the dough I got | | Soyou = Well if We're off to see, | see... || Sure there ist You can comel|_you can 'S the Cite there's || with us to dig the Guru in || stand me, nothing || Underground City! He's got || | guess | ind that work pecther ada ob | nde |antatc powers and ne jt en stand afuener about | might beable to mal yous FE Sorte Vm not getting— ’m too elegant for sweating, Cause I'm nothing butasnabl «/ ==, [2 Did anyone ever tell ff Sure, but you gotta ‘On my motorcycle, racing, Yes, ‘you that you look. ff remember...1'm ism dressed in boots and leather [ You'llfind me often chasing ® ff Amone tough guy ikea second-rate [ff trying to overcome B "With Levis tightly shrunk; ‘Some poor and helpless drunk; Who other folks hoodlum in a third- ff) @basichereditary Wl Ang j jee! brave and reckless ¢/ * |] When his head | am breaking, obey! af rate movie made by alf| defcieney—t'm Wivnonrwosrmy Nazinecklace, || There issurely no mistaking) || {took on a kid fourhrate tut f] jstpain rote, erm nothing buts Punk! || That mnathing buta unk!” |) the other day ne punch. inom me...\, She ran away The whole schoo! | simply tear up, “Cause I'm nothing but a Punk![why don't you come]| Yeah! into We're off to dig the Guru-| Z] youthink oft? | UNDERGROUND CITY HOME OF THIE GURU 24-HOUR SERUICE NO WAITING Meditations Joga Plaid Stamps Well, here we are, | Dorethy! What do | oud an 4 laughable | Your trouble, Snob Man, is your| about || devotion to material things! It does not allow for love to come ‘nto your life! You must look ‘for a new set of values! You ‘must GIVE AWAY all of your ‘stocks and bonds and possessions! 28 my old ones! All you need is @ loud, grating voice and the ability to strum @ few chords while singing '2 Punk, you'll be hailed 2s a dazzling young genius wnose Songs, although uninteligible, xe boldly exploring new horizon in pop music! Naturally, your agent, namely | Guru Enterprises, will take the ‘usual 50% of al you make!|Wnat about me, Guru? want to get high with an insane glow jand plow my mind ana! Nirvana! How You, my dear, will move in wth ‘me where we can meditate in private! Together, we shall reach new heights al bliss and penetrate the sensual mysteries of the universe! nother words, you're a dirty old Iman on the make! NN nda faked [And a schemert J] behind ait the newwave fi [And con mani] || garbage of today? Who.co you || think is promoting those Jay ‘boxes called “art” th 'ME-—that's who! It's the biggest put-on it That “in Fol A ikeep cashing % I promote those Fashions ghoulish, Those Art-Films trite and foolish, Ik” all applaud; With the greed of avulture Inonculture $ “Cause I'm nothing buta fraud! 4 We're glad we dug the Gurv- That greedy old Guru of ours! He's on the make Y And such a big fake, + He even wears phony flowers = Naturaliyt Who do you think is Singaaaeace I'm the man who's masterminding & The Pop Artthat’s so blinding) Its sale should be outlawed! ¢ | He Though it’s trash, | won't knock it \ | While the profits line my pocket Cause I'mnothing buta fraud? | “juss palldey Isitand pray— © Ze fn though may seem odd BB fe et ee Wouldyoubeteve = hessohanos SP LZ shite e101” bier making] MAbundle fam making o Fromsucker who area N JAnd I hope you won't tattle , / HThat rm really from Seattle } # And I'm nothing buta fraud! We don't give a dam ; how he makes his dough J As long as we see our profits ro ‘And grow, and grow, and grow, and grow, and CROW HAs merrily off to the bank we go! (Beedle-de-boddle-de-boo!) ‘glad we dug the Guru: That greedy oldDON MARTIN DEPT, PART! = IF] A = On A Saturday Afternoon ryFAIR GAME DEPT. THERE ARE MANY STRANGE ANIMALS AND WEIRD BIRDS AROUND THESE A MAD NATU flauntus) THE AGNU Sn rattan plfenlor bint (Blunderus Politicus) she now Mis about the Unuil recently, the A: Because of her that the Blue Jane is Once native to the United S 1 was litle known and rarely seen oF: world, spreading her wings king wild, unpredictable outsid of the U. S. fights. Several times a sheds her feathers in : ‘2 household cs sensation, For the Blue Jane, word. The Agnu mak ward, but ssity, Small onder that she has to spend much of his ti to make sure where he's at. An awkward tsi he often stumbles while to decide to move to the right or the left. Some ple fel that the Agni should not be alowed to roam THE BURTONS OF PARADISE shoving of seis plumage, The fee ofthis spss bs as een known to switch mates in the past, and it is rare {Celabrttus Rickenus) to see her nesting with the same male for more than a few ‘The Burtons of Paradise believe that they are the most seasons. The feathers of the Burtons of Paradise are gold, beautiful creatures in the forest. Because of this, they which is also their favorite color. Despite their flashy spend much of their time strutting and prancing about, brilliance, they are not above laying an occasional gg.DAYS. IN ORDER TO HELP YOU IDENTIFY THEM, WE NOW PRESENT... STUDY GUIDE (Raucus Incomprehensibus) The Dyla Monster is not a monster at all; he just looks that way. Actually, he is an intelligent creature with a very important message, but he is unable to communicate itmormally. So the message comes across as an incoherent rasping whine. The Dyla Monster les his hair grow wild so he won't resemble his enemies, the Fat Cats (Squarus Conformi), whom he hates because of their considerable ‘wealth, status and material possessions, Today, the Dyla Monster is an exalted creature who has managed to gather up considerable wealth, status and material possessions. THE HIPPOPOTAMAO (Peipingus Perilous) ‘The Hippopotamao is a fearsome beast who lives by himself behind a curtain of bamboo. Full of fears and suspicions, he bellows constantly about his most hated enemy, the sly Chiangaroo (Taiwanus Offshoreus). Because of the immense size of the Hippopotamao, he has a ravenous appetite and will attack and swallow up any smaller animal that lives, lose to his Iair. Oddly enough, one attack seldom satis- fies him and an hour later he is hungry to attack again CONCEIVED BY: MAX BRANDEL THE DODO (Hollywoodus Innocuous} Pity the poor Dodo! Once she was able to fly gracefully, often reaching majestic heights. But now, she is losing her plumage and every attempt fails to get her off the ground. However, despite her disappointments, the Dodo still fusses about on the ground, hopping aimlessly and spreading herself thin. The Dodo lives on a diet of fame, which she believes makes her ageless. This, of impossible, since everyone knows that the Dodo is extinct. THE CASTROACH (Revolutionus Injectus) This irritating pest might have been eliminated when he first appeared some years ago, but somehow he managed to survive, due mainly to ineffective or weak insecticides. Now, the Castroach is a rapid and persistent breeder, and it is feared that he may be infesting the underdeveloped areas around him. The pest thrives in hot climates, thanks to scraps of food tossed his way by his overfed cousin, the Red Starantula (Kremlis Insidious). When threatened, the Castroach emits a series of horrible cries which can last for several hours and cause death by sheer boredom.Twas THE TINY TIMPANZEE (Tiptocus Tulipus) (Of all the creatures, the Tiny Timpanzee is the kindest and the most thoughtful. He seems to be willing to make himself look ridiculous in order to please his admirers, ‘contorting his face foolishly and uttering weird, high- pitched giggles. When other creatures laugh at him, the ‘Tiny Timpanzee just smiles, because secretly he knows he is bringing happiness to people, He also smiles because secretly he knows he is pulling down 5000 bananas a week. THE SNOUTED FROG (Pompus Obnoxious) ‘The Snouted Frog is a durable creature who stays alive by feeding on his own ego. He usually ean be found sitting proudly on his own lily pad in the middle of a small lake called the “Common Pond’, croaking loudly how democratic he is while simultancously kicking out any creature that he doesn't want around. Periodically, the Snouted Frog will leave his lily pad in order to stir up the waters in other ponds. At such times, he puffs himself up to twice his normal size by using his unlimited supply of hot air. THE GAMEL (Egyptus Absurdus) ‘The Gamel is noted for his large hump, without which he ‘could not function since it contains his'brain. The Gamel is often referred to as ‘The Lip of the Desert”. This is because of the strange ritual he performs every few years. Bellowing an awful roar, he can be seen tearing across the desert to attack his enemies. Then, three or four days, he can be seen bellowing another awful roar and tearing back across the desert to where he started. So it is not at all surprising that the Gamel is considered a backward creature. THE POWELL CAT (Representus Absentia) ‘The Powellat is noisy, troublesome creature whose lar is supposedly in the Northeastern United States. However, ‘every two years, he is named “King of the Local Forest" by his neighbors there, ater which he immediately disappears only to turn up later, proving some far-distant tropical beach. This is because several years ago, the Powelleat lost his homing instinet which accounts for his lack of direction. When tracked down, the Powelleat lets out wild Screams of outrage at the thought of being domesticated. Fortunately, early in 1969, he was finally House-broken.Be ee PUMP AND CIRCUMSTANCES DEPT. Ree — | THE HEART TRANSPLANT |‘Gee, | don't s2e anything ‘Boy meets girl-Boy marries eit —Boy raises UP este e With the “Art Film" and the “Foreign Film’ taking over more and more of our movie market, somebody thought it might be funny if MAD were to investigate this phenomenon. (The somebody, of course, was the writer of this piece!) And 80, this is Hugh Frowns about to interview Mr. Carlo Levinetini—who is MAD’S “FOREIGN FILM PRODUCER OF THE YEAR’ Tell us Mr ‘See that staff of Readers over there, Mr. Frowns? They're sereening Seripts of writers from Levinetin yy" in that storyLl Tes called “HE, SHE AND THEM"! it will follow my successful zm TET seem to - Tuas [|| Anyone can turn ‘ty, | |out 8 60D serine Sart || [Bue an "arr rie make a5{|| seipt—tnat takes tony |||] “a weer wth a ne " fms TELEVISION Vd Hill “has erabbed up tke tot oral of those gut WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO ‘Absolutely! The confusion they cause is priceless. We know of one litte ‘ld lady who saw “, YOU AND US” six times, when in reality she was trying to See “WE, YOU AND I"! As long as people pay the admission price, we don’ care if they stay to'see the picture or not!| Bpenteed Itt rs LB notice tnt is shooting itn his own || "show t there, tight Director, Mr Prk “Symbolism’” is IJ That's rignt! symbolism || @ Foreign |) “country, it. || ‘we import it || Frowns! This scene | Used 2 great is very important In" || “rim in. || wouldn't bea || backhere! And | | Hewantsto know] | thet Fm shooting deat inyour J tact the greatest || New York] ‘roregn Film || "any fire about symbolism | | ‘now isa perfect Foreign Flims—]_ symbols of at [=p in italy, would ff imported from example of Linguini Ses mrmp| Frefonce Linguini = ie They love "Europe's, ~ | symbolem shooting 3 Foreign Flim Foreign Films p Foreign Film, \ here right row! viene That at Oh, he's the Good e Humor Man! Would in black e you like something? represents : ‘A chocolate pop— Fa vanilla cup? T couldn't agree with U™, But to the Excuse me, |[No wonder] [Attention So we wil] [ C'mon, Hugh! you moret It doesn’t [] ‘audience and Mr. Linguini, | These pages) | everyone! [] shoot it in let's see make any sense to ME,|| ‘the erlties— but I-don't’ |] are in the There is | | this order: | | what ingmar either! And it doesn't’ ||God bless ‘em—| | know how to || “correct something | |Page 1—then| | ‘Gergmar ic moke any sense tothe || it always seems| | “hanaie this || order! Fire terribly” | | page 4—2~-9| | doing! He's 16-10 | | in our English ‘castor the erew.... |] to make senset scene! Ii || the script | | RIGHT with understand it] | gi at oncet| | the seript! Dubbing Room!tring to say in your films? Not onee did your we the lips—NEVER WIT} Well, in this film, Elderberries""—2s in all my flms—t try to make the point that no man is in charge of his own fate his own feelings -or his own personal decisions! f= Itisn’t easy to match black tite type to dark scenes, and white title-type to light scenes—but it's ———— During rehearsals, you were perfect is match up } withthe ip movements! NOW, they suddenly match up!? Must | remind you that this is @ Foreign Film— and you must be ahead or behind Not really— but my Mother Tikes them! This is where we do cour “Editing”, Hugh. These men are going im delighted ‘Marvelous! Wonderful, Whatl? That Ive seen all of your flms?| the impression that any erumby dive is an “Art Theater"! ‘And those. fend up ‘on the Not That your words hardly 'No, those scenes go INTO the movie! Also outo. focus scenes and grainy scenes! People come away ‘rom MY movies totally ‘exhausted, and they think its from MENTAL ‘exhaustion, Actually, it's just EYE STRAIN‘And now, into the collar and home of the BL you'll excuse me, want to be around whe! directing one of my fil ‘awards, You | |!'make || only 750 Foreign Films! So it's Tn fact, I eft before it was ‘must make | | are || impossible not to win SOMETHING! ‘over, and Iwas glad I went | all _|| Last week, the “Coming Attractions" BOMBS!|| “of one of my films won the ‘out when I did. My wife stayed to see it and said it ‘Bot even worse. Itwas a ‘great disappointment! That's my eandid and honest opinion! Fokker Bronze Medal”, the feces | oom J | veer Blue Risbonand'te | G | | *Finbush rim Festival Festa 1 see you've The LU” But there are 1,467 Foreign Film , Well, it certainly was not the ‘won pienty of | | movies Isa year, Hugh «and, best Foreign Film I've seent ‘Be my guest, Mr. Levinetin closely Watched | | "I'VE SEEN!” Hello, Sid? twant ~~, . THE BEST Fi... SEE IT” 2 full-page ad for [] FOREIGN FILM [eo = vonand tank, | Inectert toro, ou fora mast| rie down tess review quotes . Interview! ByetDON MARTIN DEPT. PART ee . maa!EVALUATING THE POUND DEPT. You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... eX your hostess steers you away from the Hepplewhite! - «you're very often a case of mistaken identity atthe beach! You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... -.. anapkin is only effective « «. Your wife is automatically «+. You start wearing “loafers” when it’s used as a bib! assumed to be a great cook! because you can’t reach the laces. You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... ol / you're the unanimous you seem to be very popular - kids try to make you laugh so choice for the lead role 22 with the kids on hot, sunny days. they can watch your tummy jigale! at the Christmas Party!S14 Ee] OVERWEIGHT When... “= You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... (OVERWEIGHT When. OVERWEIGHT When... you notice that they're mak Stairs steeper than they used to knows the difference! You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... you give up your seat toan old - it takes less water to fil the bathtub than it used to! lady . .. and two old ladies sit down! ‘You Know You're REALLY ‘You Know You're REALLY You Know You're REALLY OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... OVERWEIGHT When... «-ou feel that anything under a quarter isn't worth you take off your belt and stooping to pick up. --itmakes a difference where you sit in the boat. your pants don’t fall down!quertayl| HeKervouRsetr err. il ae One thing is certain: Pick up your daily paper and there’s a story about some new protest demonstration. Aren’t you getting sick and tired of stories about protest demonstrations? Well, now you can throw away your MAD’S ALL-INCLUSI or ww . 2 ( 500 Yippies the streets Black militants the suburbs ) — Shouting students aback alley 3 Acid heads 4 N EWSPA ( in 3) today pi eos a vacant lot Angry mothers the sewers Right-wing extremists their living rooms Underpaid teachers the girl’s dorm Overpaid teachers ‘The demonstration bogan after.. (by 1), J the Dean’s office arevolving door a phone booth the YMCA Harry’s Diner Enraged Maoists Mark Rudd An old maid A bunch of nuts When police arrived they were greeted (B).-voce The police responded evening, the Governor declared 8 rocks 6 seized Zz 5 a bearded male an off-duty policeman the $.D.S. obscenities denounced a moustached female a Senate Committee manhole covers a homemade bomb suppressed a Viet Cong flag attacked a CBS News Team abuse insults bananas } praise pizza crusts beaten counter demonstrators aC.LA. agent a dope pusher fondled advocates of free love Jerry Rubin obliterated the Mayor arrested the Governor Eldridge Cleaver the President mandalas applauded Mod Squad old Nixon buttons: angry in-laws Dr. Timothy Leary put on probation hugged and kissed flowers a picketing cabbie proxy rain ignored mistake “MAD Magazine”daily paper because MAD hereby presents one single news story to take —— | ae la a the place of the hundreds you've been wading through. Simply fillin the numbered blanks from the corresponding numbered lists, and you'll enjoy E DO-IT-YOURSELF A, wriTeR: FRANK sacons