- MAD THE MAGAZINE OF THE LOUD MINORITY ‘BiG F,The VampireNUMBER 139 “Most people are too lazy to open the door when opportunity kno DECEMBER 1970 “Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher JOHN PUTNAM art direcior LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT laweuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, CURTIS ANDERSON subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS ‘the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of The Revolutionary Movement COFFEE, TEA AND MILKED DEPARTMENT “Airplot”—A MAD Movie Satire DEATH BY ELOCUTION DEPARTMENT MAD's Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT One Day At A Construction Site One Day In A Crash Pad FOWL PLAY DEPARTMENT Hawks & Doves. HERE'S TO YOU, MR. ROBINSON! DEPT. Still Life 5 INSIDE-OUCH DEPARTMENT Behind The Scenes At An Advertising Agency JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ‘Spy Vs. Spy. LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas” by Aragonés MINOR ADJUSTMENT DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Look At Two High School Generations ‘OUTSIDE PITCH DEPARTMENT Deceptive Money-Saving Labels PUTTING THE RIGHT ON DEPARTMENT Silent Majority Magazine SITTING “BULL” DEPARTMENT “Jronride”A MAD TV Satire ‘THERE'S ONE IN EVERY CROWD DEPARTMENT. ‘AMAD Look At Tokenism Of The Future “3” PLOY-TATION DEPARTMENT ‘Ads For Movie Revivals **Various Places Around The Magazine ALBERT B, FELDSTEIN editor 34 42 39 22 2 43 1" 36 VITAL FEATURES (AMAD 7 MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 4 ‘THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE REVOLUTIONARY MOVEMENT Po. 16 Mav's “SILENT MAJORITY MAGAZINE” Pg.29 pee eaten Seepincuce! BEHIND THE SCENES AT AN ADVERTISING ‘AGENCY AMAD LOOK ATTWO HIGH SCHOOL GENERATIONS Pg. 39 Age] 5 g ie IRONRIDE" (AMAD TV. SATIRE) Pg. 43WHY NOT HAVE THE NEXT ISSUE SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME? the “4 fe es ro use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 | enclose $5.00". Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 15 issues of MAD Magazine, NAME. ADDRESS. city STATE. z1p-cove. Sete, ER tea STERN Bale te Ned eta s835,pobieby ninratia ony" oda o Ener Stan U's Bi lon Yo eos ft Suan Presa, las 22 CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED FILTHY PICTURES! ep, tase ity pictures ne aftred back ie fit! Se ht lean them op nd clean fot them) hy Genaog 256 ert 206 for 3, $i for. $2.0 fr 27 $00 for Bo Mit, 885 adtitoe rene, Wey Nt OOEE BOOB & CARNAL & TAD & ALAS, ETC, 1 thought your "Boob and Carnal and ‘Tad and Alas and Lenny and Emily and Herbie and Margie and Mal and Judy an Sy and Joan and Buzz and Elaine and Joe and Pai and Dick and Phoebe and Jessie and Sally and Gene and Thelma and Al- bert and Shirlee and Seymour and Teddy and Marty and Carol and Bernic and Seena and Gary and Leslie and Toan and Susan and Tom and Jamie and Warren fand Rose and Walter and Ellie and Curt and Gloria and Chris and Wendy and Stan and Cathy: and and John and Ricky and Lonnie and Iris and Donaie and JorElien and Scoty and Melanie and Mack and Skip and Lacry fand Helen and Morty and Barbara and Sergio and Lenny and Claire and Nick and Lucky and Dave and Vivian and Bill and Nancy and Jack and Francis and George and Janette and Arnie and Sue and Steve and Edie and Tarzan and Jane land Popeve and Olive and Charlie and Lucy and Harey and Cassie and William sand Mary and Abercrombie and Fitch and ‘Max and Bea and Back and Forth and To and Fro and Al and Lee and Everybody In The World and Aifred” stunk! Brian Hanley Union, New Jersey 1 thought your "Boob and Carnal and ‘Tad and Alas and Lenny and Emily and Herbie and Margie and Mal and Judy and Sy and Joan and Buzz and Elaine and Joe and Pat and Dick and Phocbe and Jessie and Sally and Gene and Thelma and Al- bere and Shirlee and Seymour and Teddy and Mary and Carol and Bernie and ‘Scena and Gary and Leslie and Toan and Susaa and Tom and Jamie and Warren fand Rose and Walter and Ellie and Cure fand Gloria and Chris and Wendy and Stan and Cathy and Jesry and Anybody and John and Ricky and Lonnie and Iris and Donnie and Jo-Elien and Scotty and Melanie and Mak and Skip and Lacry fand Helen and Morty and Barbara and Sergio and Lenny and Claire and Nick and Lucky and Dave and Vivian snd Bill and Nancy and Jack and Francis and George and Janette and Arnie and Sue and Steve and Edie and Tarzan and Jane ‘and Popeye and Olive and Charlie and Lucy and Harry and Cazsie and William land Mary and Abercrombie and Fitch and Max and Bea and Back and Forth and To and Fro and Al and Lee and Everybody In The World and Alfred” was great! Michael Altman, Maitland, Florida 21st CENTURY OUTDOORS MAGAZINE ‘21st Century Outdoors Magazine” was refreshingly diferent, uproariously funny, and terifyingly rue ‘Tom Rogers Se Louis, Missouri 1 usually do not cate for your articles depicting magazines, buc I muse admit thie "2lst Century Outdoors Magizine was right on. T think that you hit home ‘with alot more punch than the junk mail the government sends out. You deserve an A+ for this great piece, ‘Andy Heyman Falls Church, Virginia "21st Ceneury Outdoors Magazine — ‘specially chat pare aboue the Gian: Red: ‘yood Stump Park-vas_tree-mendous! Keep chopping them up! The clods ofthe ‘worldnoe the trees! Helen Andrews Erie, Pennsylvania Congratulations t0 Dick De Barolo and George Woodbridge for a gem. The interview with "Loreen Taylor, Fashion Designer of the Month” was devastating. Grant Hicks Scotch Plains, New Jersey Your “21st Century Outdoors Mags ine” had me laughing so hard, my gas ‘mask slipped off. Please, for a dying fan, pint this Teter so Til have something #0 remember when I go co that big garbage heap inthe sky, Oscar Gelpi Miami, Florida Keep writing articles like “21st Cen- tury Outdoors Magazine” and maibe our future world won't be like thae! ‘Katie Campbell San Francisco, California ‘The best piece I've read on the subject ‘tragic and true and barbed with sa io book, no article, no news program, ‘no “Barth Bay” had as much effect upon ‘me as your article did. It was the most magnificent, exceptional, extraordinary, teutheiled document ever published on the subject. Helen Mars Brooklya, New York With “21st Cearury Outdoors Magae zine", you have undoubtedly “told it like its going to be”! Lynn Rainwater Sapulpa, Oklahoma CONTRIBUTING TO POLLUTION If you're so upright, about pollution, hhow come you keep damping all that tuash on the newsstands? ‘Geoffrey T. Babbitt Northford, ConnecticutBETTER THAN 99-44/100% Your magazine is nothing but pure drivel. In face its the purest deivel I've fever read. And in this age of pollution, thaes saying something, W.Tme Ft Lauderdale, Florida SPORTS CARS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ‘Sports Cars| We'd Like To See” was a was! Lynn Grubbs Malvern, Arkansas A BOY-DOG NAMED LASSIE ‘Your magazine has a fine reputation for humorocs songs and poems, bue when you made "A Boy-Dog, Named Lassie" it Was a milestone. Liviag where Ido, Lhave Browa weiry of "A Boy Named Sue”, and our satire was a cruly welcome reliek ‘Dale Belcher Nashville, Tennessee IF GREAT PAINTERS DREW COMICS If The World's Great Pu The Camis” was amas ers Drew sa work ‘Raven Amporan, Hollywood, California LUFELONG IMPROVEMENT If MAD's material continues 0 im- prove as it has over the last five or six Issues, then the best issue I will have read will be the one before I die oly Bord Steubenville, Ohio GREAT (NONVIOLENT) GUNS! Don Martin's "Great (Non-Violent) Guns" was sensational! I gor a real big outfit A.J.Cantor Méncreal, Quebec Wonldn’e it be great for peace if the whole world switched 19 Don Mastin's "Great (Nos-Violent) Guns"? Bur, I'm afraid Mankind would rather fighe than switch! Joseph Martin ‘Chetty Point, North Carolina GROOVIEST PART ‘The rest of MAD is—well, okay—bur 1 think your Letter Page is the grooviest part of the magazine... mainly because you guys don't write them! Mark Bronsveld Stockton, New Je Please Address All Correspondance To MAD, Dept. 139, 485 MADizon Avenve jew York, New York 10022 UP AGAINST THE WALL... Polluting Industry Self-Serving Politicians Bull-Throwing Advertisers Condescending TV Networks Pseudo-Patriots Destructive Militants Sexploiting Movie-Makers Inept Labor Irresponsible Publishers Indifferent Parents WE'RE BLASTING YOU WITH... MAD POWER «+ OUR LATEST PAPERBACK COLLECTION OF REVOLTING HUMOR (On sal Now At All Bookstands—Or Yours By Mail) use coupon or duplicate — NAME ‘ADDRESS HPO. MAD 485 MADison Avenue ‘New York, N. ¥. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: [1] MAD POWER ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE BOOKS CHECKED BELOW: (The MAD Reader (Selratae maD (CMAs captain Kuta (CJMAD Strikes Back (5 The AD Samper (CUDON MARTIN Cocks Up Moe Tales Ginsice MAD (Ci World, Werl, et. MAD (5 DAVE BERE Looks atthe USA Cutter MAD (G Raving MAD (CLDAVE BERG Looks at People (The Brothers MAD 1B Bailing MAD (E DAVE BERG Looks at Things Di The Bedside man [5 Questionable MAD [CAVE BERG Looks at Modern Thinking ison of man D Howling MAD (Bi The Allen SPY vs. SPY ‘OTe Organization Mad The Incigetie MAD (ESPYs. $PY Follow-Up File Gite Mao. Burning MAD [5 AMAD Look at Old Moves DT ies of AD ood’ MAD (C Return ofA MAD Look at Od Movies ‘Ciehting MAD 5 Hopping MAD [CUALIRFFEE'’s Snappy Answers (5 The MAD Frontier (The Portable MAD (D1 The MAD Book of Magic (MAD in ot DON MARTIN Steps Out °C Araganes's Vivo MAD!” The Voodoo MaD DON MARTIN Bounces Back) Aragones’s MAD about MAD ‘Do Greasy MAD tuft EBON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories) MAD for Better or Verse So Tvee Ring MAD TENCLOSE 60¢ overs tie he USA be We camo be einen or cash Seterad fi eee FOR EACH (Minimum Order: 2 Books)COFFEE, TEA AND MILKED DEPT. Hey, gang! Getting sick of all those ‘Now’ films with little or no story-line? Pictures like “Midnight Cowboy”, “Easy Rider”, "Alice's Restaurant”, "MASH", etc. Do you sometimes wish that somebody would bring back stories in motion pictures like they had in the ofd days? Well, somebody has! Boy, HAVE they! They've come up with a movie that not only has a plot, but enough left over for 37 more "Now" pictures! We're referring, of course, to MAD's nomination for an Academy Award “Oscar”... namely a 1946 Academy Award “Oscar’ why doyou T=) Dont be yards: Manas [yay [Thee the other) $$ Grisis Intemational airport! You. | |°4*¥'| | crisis Phone... | [ ule, when are you coming ‘come home?|| | foolish, are about to join me in an evening Helle? mya b Te a een | Cinder! of fun and rises you won't beevel | |"Wor" || man! This better "Pwerty four nours’e ay. —!Twanttonagyouin | {| Who could ‘Oh-Oh, there goes the Crisis Phone! | | {F¢ | | bea real crisis! | | “you're at that Airport!’ | [person for a change!| | | Possibly =I fut ———— | What kindof a ite ‘come Hello? State your crisial What's] | What | [Mule, this is your" that? You think it's Timow whi yeu doar ]| (between ust] that? The airport is being pi lite, Cinderblock!| | for me? You think Leer oee —— Inalt tho fights have been cancel Z aging you over the |laorgone ee! Soren there ts 9 rea eisist home like this? oer nenber |_ and 27 planes are stacked En . is 1 ey Wf y MiRP LOT Male, there's 07> Working as AIL s00 are two << |———__ future forust | | "S"bress Manis eyes a you've | | twas offered 2| | tannin Jobin'Friseo, | | jn! Stare and I think 'm | | window! the ong to take it ne Doing Hello? State your crisis! What's that? There's | 2 plane stuck on Runway 28? That's no crisis! | Taxi it off What? You can't taxi off? Well tow off Listen ve gt the 4th of Jy holiday rush to wory about and—-What? i, plane s stuck in SNOW?! On the 4th of Jul Listen, who am I talking to? What's your niee a ni ickets for “illFated Flight 73", 10 this irresistible She's just a litle pinie...? | | title old lady J Wnat'll we do with \! FLoaGeD7! i ight a stowaway! What could possibly happen next? Hacha! No, sir! You (My ticket? My ticket7|| mean a ONE-WAY Here itis! No—that’s|| _ ticket to Rome! my four milion dollar|| HALF-WAY to Rome insurance policy! Er--|| Would be right smack] ticket? Ticket? AN in the middle of Lets see B.Carvia | || What does. ay [Welcome aboard Flight] | Hi, folkst I’m 73, folks! I'm your || your Captain, | Hostess, Gryn Mayday || Verm Swinger, | -s-and''m pregnant! | and id it I don't mind | 1 guess they ‘a good crisis, || figure—when but this is "|| you've done too much! || it, flaunt it Yeah, come to think of it! Who wars two-toned shoes nowadays?! notice anything [STRANGE about that passenger! I'm not looking at the movie on | Say—did youid Barry Fitzgerald, religio hold it! HOLD jg Malibu! That's TTT really hate to ff) no University spantz speaking! We get personal, Verm— ff That's a BEAC! in Califor Okay, here | [~ Wait, sic He dian't 1s Captain Antsin_| [Quick Weve ‘bo No, idiot! There's a MAN with ‘Our lives and the lives of everyone boa Okay... how do Udo that goes, sean that! Er—take it ‘rom the top again, Ver Go ahead, Verm! Do it! Gain his, fidence! But rst, gain the fidence of the ssengers! fl parkchutat Take otf | |/ our | |) v% |admit that the bit does get to people at times, but | stil think he over-reacted!! have a hole in our side, |stethoscope!| Pwo engines gone, we're ‘Are you crazy?! My af You're using!” out or ful, and we have controllers are on strike, injured passengers ff “Emergency” iny electricians just aboard! Requesting walked out, there are no} permission to land i immediately! This is an EMERGENCY! | Howie = ydiot teats) [ugha 73 to cries we er Listen, we're coming int ane, || Vim atraid || not your 4 sheclay, wel be buried In snow! fs| tbe {i And there arenoplows,and'no Pel somedey? ign! we never aotscnanest [agua cea [NT ‘This is suicide, Antsin! We'll What did never make it! Even ifwe land fg] vou hope | What shamet All my dreams... L255 be ‘What happened, Father!? We had so much What those poor people have been through! A mid-air | { Oh, yeah?! more drama we could've wrung out of this bombing, a wrecked plane, @ harrowing fight, and a | | Let's get situation ... s0 much more blood, and miraculous landing ... cheating death! Well, Mule— | | back to. | screaming, and carrying on by passengers! that's it {guess thi ‘over for tonight! | | my office! Twas planning an exciting belly-landing! Maybe even flipping over! But it ended so fast--so easy! How do you explain It? What an idiot | am! | should ME BN pee a | Pe Hello? Some baggage arrived? [] Hello? What? I'm sorry [) Hello, what's that? Traffic Good! ople left with the |} it cost you $48 to park || leading from the Airport is baggage? Great! Oh, the people jj your ear! You should've || stacked up for 30 miles! No, who left withthe baggage were Long-Term) | you mean BACKED UP! Planes tthe people who own the || iget stacked up in the alt baggage?! Well, check with our || edoesn’t happen to ears ‘Security Poi TH ‘on the ground! What? On’ these cars ARE stacked Wednesday—then call me back! CAB you had to take to it cost you $48!‘THERE'S ONE IN EVERY CROWD DEPT. When the boys on Madison Avenue put their collective minds to work, they can really get the job done, (Like electing a President, frinstance!) And so, after having their collective arms twisted for so long by various Civil Rights Groups, they finally came up with “Tokenism,” a poli- cy which reluctantly acknowledged that Black People did, indeed, exist, and should be represent- ed in ads. Then, when sales improved, they went at “Tokenism” with a vengeance, and today there hardly an ad or a commercial involving more than two people that does not have an obligatory Black face in it. In fact, in their overzealousness, Madison Avenue often carries things a bit too far and loses sight of just who they're trying to reach and with what! Take for example TAN NOW PLAY LATER WITH Cop-a- CAIN Why waste precious play time suffering from painful sunburn? Use “Cop-a-tan’s Instant Tanning Lotion” and tan as you play! Tan And Play The “Cop-a-tan”’ Way! Which brings us to this article. Since the Black People’s nation-wide campaign for greater par- ticipation in advertising proved so completely effective, it stands to reason that other racial, religious, and special interest minority groups will start pressuring Madison Avenue into giving them representation, whether appropriate or not, and chances are we may be subjected to even more ridiculous situations than those we have suffered through already! So here we go with . A MAD LOOK AT "TOKEN IS Wi” Of The Future aINTHIS ISSUE | Examines The “fro Look” In Men's Fashions f u ITM ana re) Tr ne eae: pees bon Pe Ss el Pre “4 un ich te Ue Rett Pag aS a aa fee Rud Love America Or Leave It! ‘SHOW YOUR TRUE COLORS: RED, WHITE & BLUE! Attend The Giant July 4th MOTHER, FLAG & COUNTRY vx PARADE & RALLY x Stand Up And Be Counted! FIO IOI III IK: REFRESHMENTS WILL BE SERVED (APPLE PIE, OF COURSE?) GUEST SPEAKERS INCLUDE: COMME THIS RALLY SPONSORED By: Vice Pres. Spiro Agnew ONE The Jot Birch Society Gov, Ronald Reagan COMME Young Americans for Freedom Wiliam F. Buckley ALLI friends of the Domino Theory George Wallace AND The Drop The Bomb Society Cutis LeMay BRING —Natnl Ass. of Arms Migs AndA Token Liveal A FLAG! And A Token Pacifist GroupWows Ul than mead tthe ye wea lhe naw Exaile Erody- Stacking by Haymes . ne ‘Beguile Body-Stockings,” today’s the new. "SecThinugh gles without actualy e new “S 2 h ’s uninhibited females* can wear ig seen . . . or arrested 1 Oy’ Be Bequile ty Olaymes *Or token females / aeqe ts Y lS Se el a ij dt) CT tk GET i $4.95 at most stores RECORDED LIVE DURING THEIR ISATIONAL NEW YORK APPEARANCE! E SELECTIONS INCLUD ROCK ABIDE BRINGING OKWARD WHEN THE usta wy CM WITH ae NTHE a comstiny ‘% ROLLS CALLED a CLOSER WALK ae vomSHE mit ME SHEavES ” soloiens UP YONDER WITH THEE MoMAjoin this club... You don't have to be as Tae to You just have to love booze !! THE GANG AT ™P. J. CLUCK’S” ... ALONG WITH TOKEN TEETOTALER, ERNEST BLUENOSE | a OFFERS A CUTTYSHARK VICTORY TOAST To! i “TOAST OF THE TOWN,” THE NEW YORK . Process” enables Aging Process ‘25-year-old Scotch in only a a a shot! See if your taste buds can tell! COMING TO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN’S FELT FORUM In Their Only New York Appearance: GASTRO-INTESTINAL & THE FLU THE SENSATIONAL GROUP OF MEDIGAL SCHOOL DROP-OUTS Seema = Seca FEATURING FRANKIE CUPCAKE MARC BRENNER ERIC GHPWEL & PERCY SQUARE on on on on. Drums Lead Guitar Bass Guitar —_Loud Guitar Token ‘Cello Playing “The Sick Sounds Of The Seventies,” Including Their Nauseating Golden Record Hits: "POST-OPERATIVE PAINS” "POST MORTEM BLUES’ © “I'S JUST SOMETHING THAT'S GOING AROUND" ® “THE HEMORRHOID HOP" ‘OON"T THROW THAT UP ON ME" ® “GREPPSE SUZETTE" @ "IT WAS CONSTIPATION, KNOW” AND MANY MOREY,DON MARTIN DEPT. PART! Ole DAY AT See attTHE The LIGHTER ¢@ SIDE OR. 100 Youbl PiTbat‘Waaht None of them things! became 2 Leftist fanatic because | believe it's 2 What happened to you, Say?) ae What you propose is “id ) (Whats he... some stuff" say. BURN King of radial mutt Well, you ain't heard ] { Not very welt nuthin’ yet! I'd tke || I think you're to see this whole dara|| absolutely country burned to the| | wrong! You're ‘ground... then start | | just ehildren ‘all over again! How || PLAYING at does THAT grab you? | {Revolution Vv [Maybe you think rm (re Some kind of radical FASCIST PIGSI! Twas born in a cold-water ) [That's why I vowed my kids would] Well, as radieal wallcup tenement in the East | | never suffer the way | suffered! as your children Village! The memory of the | |And that's why | worked days and | | are, they must be Poverty and filth had to went to school nights and busted | . | grateful to you Tive in still haunts mi ‘my back til finaly made it~ |-,3| forall this '2ranch house in the suburbs and = ET the fulfilment of all my dreams!But we're not all Revolutionaries! Most of us have come to College to learn, not to buen! Will you tel A aat & Acalythe (Cut tre mie, ere) [orth careras on) (Looks ie noboay thes nevausteres || hese rea tunen| | tot nosy ebroxious| [Ikeable ds any move! ronivaver || ofikesbiehust | (bunch over mere! = small minority— } | They're not news! = \- Ca) : > ea Sa Tive got you all beat! My father bought my mother a mink coat so ‘she could wear it to their Beach Club in 90° neat to impress people! You think that's bad?! My parents are so status lconscious, they bought an| ‘expensive sailboat, and ‘ever even learned to Tee ne wonder I'm a Revolutionary! My parents disgust me with their middle-class status-seeking drives! My father never uses his garage! He eaves his Cadillac out infront s0 ‘everyone will know he has one! ‘all it! They just sit ‘around and entertain itin the Yacht Club! > LD | Tellme, my Hippie) (OR, 1) [1 took the Administration (Gookwho's home! intact core | | tosk| | Bulltng, and the Library, : whet isyoutokein| |quite| [and me HORE Bulging, and— Cogs fst yer) [St - e {al 5 r OO You know, you adults are ridieulous—the way you Imitate us young people!{As obnoxious as you radicals} are, I have to begnudeinaly it for fighting f minorities However, in your zeal, you're ‘overlooking the one minority that’s being the mast maligned, ‘the most put down, the most [abused and the most oppressed! (The Establishment! Here he is, guyst He's the one who threw the Molotov Cocktail at the iperialistic Military Aggressors" R.O.T.C. Building! Shake his hand! He's a HERO of our REVOLUTION! > fight when you | | everything (ny do you two) [Because he] ‘always have to | | represents cettogether? | [tm gana! | Is that) (Absolutely) [~ Gee, son... I didn't know what Iam? ‘you thought that highly of me! si . — FS ‘ ih ==) Look at ‘em! Those insane] college kids ... protesting, Tian aee?| ‘Look at ‘emi Carrying signs | land demonstrating... makin ‘noise about Pollution and junk like that! And THAT'S, NOT THE WORST OF IT!FOWL PLAY DEPT. © HAWKS DOVES a DOVES BaF 8 ape MAJOR HAWKS ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE TBS ji POUTSIDE PITCH DEPT. THERE WAS ONCE A TIME WHEN YOU BOUGHT A PRODUCT MARKED “10¢ OFF”... AND YOU SIMPLY GOT 10¢ OFF! TODAY, ALL THAT HAS CHANGED! TAKE A LOOK... DECEPTIVE MON Head & Armpits shampoo Tg . A TTS Dann shaneoo wi cost 22: MORE 1 I ESET IEOFINFLATION CONTINUES! WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLOTODAY, THERE ARE HITCHES, AND CATCHES, AND QUALIFYING STATEMENTS IN SMALL PRINT! TODAY, YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL YOU DON’T FALL FOR: BOGUS BRAN VITAMINS | CY ole rn eS UGS hae a Pretty Peer AQUA? re VELVEL. hen Tea ‘ote tls oi bal ail ep, we save 50%... ot x00 JPate asker tae TE ieee US PEW LN My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but | happen to like this area. It might bea salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots. When | embarked upon this political campaign I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead—to indulge in unequivocal Jan guage, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about me. At first | tried to ignore these scrupulous, un varnished fidelities. Now | will do so no longer. if my opponent wants a fight, he's going to get one! It might be instructive to start with his back ground. My friends, have you ever accidentally dis lodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well, exploring my opponent's back ground is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. And even during his childhood! Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on @ number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacer- bated his own sister when they were both teen-POLITICAL SMEAR SPEECH agers! | ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth? Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background—no, not when you consider the other members of his family: His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrut able, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities. The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion. My opponent's second cousin is a Mormon. His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual: His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte outside a church. His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature. His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homo sapiens. His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease. His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine. His wife was a thespian before their marriage ‘and even performed the act in front of paying customers. ‘And his own mother had to resign from a wom- fan's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian, Now what shall we say of the man himself? I/can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irre: sponsibility and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has per petrated many overt acts as well. He perambulated his infant son on the street. He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin He attempted to interest 2 13-year-old girl in phitately. He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was in: cense He has declared himself in favor of more homo: geneity on college campuses. He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company—and has taken part in such gatherings himself He has been deliberately averse to crime in our city streets He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens todevelop more catholic tastes. Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the American flag. Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign isms, he has coolly announced his belief in altruisin—and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic! | beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself. Do your dutyHERE'S TO YOU, MR. ROBINSON DEPT. In 1963, a talented cartoonist named Jerry Robinson decided that “people had had their chance” and it was time we heard from the inanimate objects around us. “After all,” he theorized, “fire hydrants aren't afraid to say what they think!” The result was a delightful single-panel syndicated feature entitled “Still Life,” which appears today in many leading newspapers throughout the U.S.A. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear in enough newspapers, and you'll see why . . . as we present this hard-hitting collection of how C3n (=a you stop a shel ) tees Bovement 2 Sr ae i" / the President 1S im Coneerence | with his most \ trusted aduse ) / (thee's-—— 1 tba 4 howe thing about >) [md COUT an \ pea cheets y (oR adviser to | \ this summer \ wi Made / {2 consultant) 7 Aut pepaies\ Reh i (He kids for ) \ college in the / gall 7 sti BY JERRY (whyiche te) \most despised /” he never ™ \ delegate \in the UN. / J (ie gat 6 kafzten\ tat the Batagon) (iT must {denied it, State be hotter / | tpudisted iT and || a ous |e Wie Hos in (adioa ve been attered { 2 "eachng Jobat the University bat | hate | e Ao qe up all ay rights | 35 a stuleat (cikatd0 460 thee ( Unless ths covey > [Sine of athe TE just ( Beene A (Males his court ) | ex odauk Ja pase adit) [fornwenite | (al \ faces P ) in Bln T9474 go those y) — . ey \ of water Conservation _/ | “we'll beim veal — \tiouble — {iC onk ~ Th le ssa Only We Could | hear en / Fa | Workout a peace that) \a Syrian deat 1s ottering ‘Hats ne >) \ didnt deperdion “/ Van ttalean arms merchaat re \ ending he war Casualti | Yogostavia spwre parts For revatties | don't exceed \ a, the | Russian tanks Captured im | Eaupt for sale fo Israel 2“es the fed . of oe who 1) makes One, 2 42 oe ae and [ Suffers from} (overexposure 1s SE ie Senator was | — — Cirst elected | (nd hewas | 35 9 liberal |) elected as fecause be. || 2 conservative made 3 Jot | [wher he dide't of promises | | keer them My. Aukassadon tue heard your peace Terms; Snow would you like TO, | hear my coxtemptoous} | eeply, my Scomnéul | fl! \ analysis Of my derisive ebuttal 3} \ | scheming ds { what's [the didferrce (Vow con goo tetngen “ell peace witha yng 196 Ft depends | eptesentative oF a oy Sc ve ale 2) [eine ett ray Oe ed | (Hee pow) Retiewder ® ae ‘only in dn uy ( Taoshen leet) (Fhe Senator \ is talking gibberish. k lodk.if kate | eh lets (ee)\ (fetta) (Formed eae Fell the othina boi te (med on aN fruthy | | tthyl Bet) [-the whole be God = te —) scrambler) 1 ee the lact session of the OW) was nothing bot doclvinane, \cliche-ridden adtionalistic, | bleAalk | 3 Souiet sci scientist \ S35 he, debctea } signs of civilization ) (ir outer Space’ — f (loai he ial) \te } Crespi eater RAIS AS we all know, the Hippies, the Yippies, the SDS, the Black Panthers, and just about every activist group in the country has its own newspaper. Yes, the Under- ground Press is flourishing with such publications as “The East Village Other,” The Berkeley Barb,” as well as other titles too numerous to mention, as well as still other titles we wouldn't dare mention! Well, whether you know it or not, the enemy is starting to fight back. Ever since Spiro Agnew came along, and Time Magazine named “The Middle American” as "Man of the Year," the pendulum has be- gun to swing in the other direction. So, Underground Press—Beware! Watch out for things to come—like THE OVERGROUND PRESS, and sickening publications like ' = PRT (ach ponmy of which | The Magazine for Middle America soe 3 ‘etree ht) “LCLAWED MY WAY TO THE TOP WHY CAN'T THOSE OTHER PUNK KIDS?’” “I Moved Out of Montana When A Negro Family Moved In Next Door— In Idaho!” kkk “Make War, Not Love” The heart-warming memoirs of General Westmoreland kkk “Js Jim Nabors ‘Too Controversial For Prime-time Television?” by Lawrence Welk we SEX: A Time and a Place For it” Part 6 of the 10 part series deals with. SHALL WE WAIT TILL WE'RE MARRIED TO KISS?” kkk “Don’t be afraid to beat the Ten SPECIAL BONUS OFFER: A Genuine 33 RPM record entitled, “PAT BOONE SINGS HAPPY ENDINGS TO JOAN BAEZ’S PROTEST SONGS” | Commandments into your kids!” eee 2Are you a bumbling idiot at parties? Do you always say the wrong things? Contact the Morris Wiuiams AceNcy ! We'll supply you with a top writer who'll transform you from a Burroon into a STATESMAN overnight! ptr ok Sag VA. «> Tey) eS = ‘hinge ke fe Jana when you've sn one su, you Tar suing things lke ‘fete snob’ Just ike Thooy wha THE MORRIS WILLIAMS AGENCY New Yok, Beery MS, Ciape, ta Ts your teenager endangering his health by smoking dreaded grass? Do you, as a parent, ever say, “If only T could get ‘him to stop smoking marijuana?” NOW YOU CAN!! With POT-O-BAN Slip Pot-O-Ban into his joint when he's not looking. It's not magie, not a gimmick! Just simple, all powerful filter that captures the grass fumes in its tenacious center and doesn't let them through to blow his mind! Before you know it, your teenager will not be inhaling dreaded grass anymore ~ just ran tobaceo into his lungs, just ‘and me! You owe it to your kids! ‘Try POT-O-BAN! Giving a party for some liberal friends? No minority groupsin your neighborhood (lucky you) to invite? Call HEARST RENT-A-NEGRO Take your choice of our collection of clean, light-colored token models, or try one of ur darker” models, All” guaranteed “to” be. well mannered, no trouble, and-non-violent (extra charge for tp-dancing or banjo playing). Remem ber, when you rent fom HEARST, you're not Ist renting a token Negro, you'e renting the entire membenthip of te NAACP and CORE! “SILENT SAYS” Each month, editor Sam Silent answers questions and tries to solve problems submitted by our readers, Dear Silent: 1 find it hard to tell one Cabinet member from another. In fact I heard a rumor the other day that you'll never see Sect, of State Rogers ‘and Attorney General Mitchell phe tographed together because they're the same man. Is this true? Brandon Edwing Spokane, Washington Dear Mr. Eawing T checked the rumor out with Sect. fof Defense Laird (or as he is laugh- ingly referred to by his friends— Sect.of the Treasury Kennedy" )and he said “That's ridiculous. They're talking about Sect. of Health, Educ cation and Welfare FINCH! Dear Silent 1 think those anti-war demonstrators should be tarred and feathered. I think we should do all we can to help our boys in Vietnam. We send them letters and food packages and every Christmas Bob Hope goes to see them with Ann-Margret, Pam- cla Tiffin, and Raquel Welch. And yet when I see the boys on TY, they ook disturbed. Why are they dis- turbed? Grace Warbler Mamaroneck, N-Y. Dear Mise Warbler: They're disturbed because every Christmas Bob Hope goes 10 see them with Ann-Margret, Pamela Tiffin, and Raquel Welch. Dear Silent: AS a decent Middle American, I, like you and the editors of this mag” azine, do not believe in prejudice (only last month I swam in the same Pacific Ocean the Mexicans were ‘swimming in). Which is why 1 find those Polish jokes that are going around so offensive. Some of our finest citizens are Polish-Americans. Who started those Polish jokes any- Oliver Brack Los Angeles, Cal Dear Mr. Brack: It could have been a recalcitrant college youth, or perhaps an eff sive monologist with a sense of per- verse levity, And then again it might have been some Wop. Dear Silent: Thave just returned from the South Pole, where I spent the last 10 years, and I feel a little out of touch with things. I'm looking for a new career to go into and I'm considering that of a College Policeman. I think it would be splendid to patrol a nice, friendly campus, smile a cheery hello at the students, and call them by name while they address me warmly by mine. What do you think ‘of my idk James Pigg ‘Sioux City, Towa Dear Mr. Pigs: Have you ever considered going into the plumbing business? Dear Silent: As a conscientious Middle Ameri- can citizen living in Wyoming, T thought it might be a good idea to bring the world a little eloser to my children. So next Christmas, instead of taking them to Disneyland again, Tthought I would take them to look at a Negro. Can you help me? What do Negroes look like? Where do I find one? Are they friendly? Is it a good idea to feed them? Do they bite? Ned Womber Laramie, Wyoming. Dear Mr. Womber: 1 admire your wonderful plan and think you have an excellent idea, However, I don't think you are ready for it just yet. 1 suggest you do Something as traumatic as that GRADUALLY! Instead of jumping right in, and possibly “over your head,” why not BUILD UP to a Negro by taking your children to see a Jew first?“Silent Majority’s Prize Fiction STORY OF THE MONTH Every month this magazine awards 10,000 Red, White, ‘and Blue Stamps to the fiction piece which best mirrors the clean, decent, patriotic thoughts of today’s Middle American. We are pleased to present this month's winning story. DICK DECENT, College Student .° by Norman Vincent Rightson “Like to go for a walk, Jane?” said Dick Decent to his coed girl friend Jane Wasp, as they met on the campus of State Agricultural College. She nodded cheerily and they began to stroll Dick was a clean-cut, handsome lad of 19. He had a neat crew-cut and wore a red and white tennis, sweater and white buckskin shoes. Jane, a lovely, fresh-looking girl of 18, had long, neat hair and wore a simple, fresh-laundered pinafore with a tiny Ameri- can flag sewn in the upper left hand corner near her heart, Together they looked like any two, plain, average, ordinary, American college students. “What-a great day it is.” said Dick. “And what a ‘grand school this is, and how lucky we both are to be here. Golly!” “Dick, must you use profanity?” said Jane. “Sorry,” said Dick. Ih, look," said Jane, “there go some ROTC cadets! “How tall and strong they look,” said Dick. “What fa great bunch of fellows.” “They send a tingle of pride up and down my spine,” said Jane. “1 doybt if anyone on campus is more beloved by the student body than they are,” said Dick simply, as a tear of joy crept out of his eye. He quickly brushed, it away. “Oh, say, Jane,” said Dick, “would you like to go ee to the Prom with me?” "Td like to, Dick,” said Jane, “but ‘I'm sorry about last night, Jane,” said Dick. “I didn't mean to do what I did” “It’s not that I don’t want you to kiss me,” said Jane. “And I realize that there must be at least four ‘or maybe five ‘fast’ girls on this campus who do kiss. It’s just that I'm saving my kisses for Mr. Right.” At that moment along came Chancellor Valleyforge ‘accompanied by another man. “Hello, Dick and Jane,” said the Chancellor. “Hi, Chancellor,” said Dick. “Classes are better than ever these days and we have you to thanlk for it’ “Pshaw, Dick,” said the Chancellor. “I'm only doing my job. It’s a pleasure workirig for you wholesome kids. By the way, Dick and Jane, I'd like you both to, meet Mr. Eric Novotney, of the Dow Chemical Com- pany.” “Mr. Novotney;” said Jane, wringing the man’s hand, “I can’t tell you how proud we students here are of the wonderful job you're doing for our nation.” “Love your napalm,” added Diek sincerely. “We hope you'll join our company after you gradu- ate, Dick,” said Mr. Novotney. “Nothing would give me more pleasure,” said Dick, “but first I must go to Vietnam.” “If the Army will only have me,” he added hopefully. “What a nice man he seems (Continued on Page 53) aSTATUS QUO-TES Along Middle America Avenue Whot’s Cooking With the Guys ond Gols of the Esteblshment Our roving cameraman gets opinions on the by GRAY LIFESTYLE, JR. burning issues of the day from random Middle Americans. This month’s question Let's hear it for the congtegation of Furi) Township Church, Manos fectin eo ae es arts tre ne do isgeiee Coan Shdtg Sor Goal oo “How do you feel about today's ele accor al Tovatiot Lat pe tae on attitudes towards sex?” church and back into the public schools where they belong BET ist Sled fol oer tom Teale nd, N.Y. Georgia Mel Daf Conny Chen Pack, we just ire Now BO Misi sult aia aa ie clas Facisihc malie> i Gerace Nor eva bod orc So Ger eae can Fe ong ase tse eee Se eed | ne: ide teem Mieco te en toon ket ele pe gee I Ac saree Ooae Peston win onal Fred Sashay, Fire I don't pay much attention to today’s attitudes towards sex. My attitude towards sex has been the same since I was four. My mummsy took care of that. But I can't complain—I've got a good interior decorating business going and my sweet- heart and I recently rented a beautiful new apartment which we will move into as soon as his divorce comes through, ‘Tragedy Department: Friends of Hattie McLish were shocked to learn of her untimely death due to an overdose of sleeping pills. They say she'd been very despondent lately because she found out her children were taking drugs . . . Attention crities of Pres, Nixon who have heen complaining about spending $26 hil- lion to put a man on the moon instead of using that i money to wipe out poverty. We've got news for you eeerd Tre Riataer eee Pinkot: ‘There fs no poverty on the moon. -- Trouble Maybe I'm a little different | Comes in double doses: Silent Majorityite Sandra from most people in my gener- Debbs was not only hearthroken to discover that her ation, but I'm all for this new maid just left her, she also found out that her teen- freedom of sexual expression ‘ge children ran away from home Inst Christmas. for kids. I've always encour- ‘aged my son Ted to bring girls, home to the house, ever since he was 15. Now that Ted is older and off to college, I miss » him. I also miss the girls he used to bring home. Now if I can only think of a way to get my wife off to college! Caleb Flint, Saginaw, Michigan I think today’s attitudes are disgusting. These kids are sick. We're raising a generation of perverts. I'd like to string up ‘a few by there thumbs and whip ‘em. But not just an or- | dinary whip. No, a nice, fresh- ly oiled whip that’s laid across their shoulders in clean, even strokes, until their skin welts and a little blood wells up in the gashes. That'll teach those sickies a little decency. mittee to pu Disneyland Manager Walt Lancer (in Three cheers for Dan and Philomene Humbolt of Biloxi, Mississippi, who have been educating their children at home since the Supreme Court school desegregation ruling in 1954. ‘The Humbole’s oldese boy, 24 year old Donald, i already up to long division, and 23 year old daughter Billie Mac hardly, ‘moves her lips anymore when she reads... Soon-to-wed, hard- working D.A. Ed Shtarp has been so busy lately confiscating T Am Curious—Yellow," “Medium Cool,” and other filthy films being exhibited in his county thar he was almost lace for those: fabulous showegirls perfoming at his stag party last aul (Pop) Armbruster, St. Petersburgh, Fla. T'm glad you stopped me, Friday aight! ") young feller. Yes sir, always ta A as | ike to talk to folks. I'm just 84 Toke like Spiro's pressure campaign against the TV years young and still the pie- see soans pion AE clan eee Nara a ture of health. Would you be: address to the nation, instead of a critical analysi CBS has agreed to present a 15 minute program con- taining “The Best of Hee Haw”... I's a brand new six pound haby for the Felix Ungers. He's head of the ind she's a noted izona, Obeying lieve it, my mind's still as quick as a steel trap. Yes sir, T ean remember clear back ‘to the Blizzard of ’88. Course I don't remember recent things too well. Now then, concerning your question . . . what's sex? ve on this column in late 1983 for word ofTHE ESTABLISHMENT IN ACTION A Pictorial Run-Down of What’s What in Middle Americas-ville ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN: Was ULCA campus cop Bull Bernie's face red the other day! That large group hhe thought was radieal campus demonstrators and had a great America keynote speaker "Chul is a drunken driving charge, and Hank Endicott is laid up with efe- thosis of the liver after his recent 19 day bourbon binge, the rally was stil a great success, The theme of the rally was “Let's get pot out of our highschools before our kids ruin themselves.” MIDDLE AMERICAN OF THE MONTH: Cheers to Henry Cotter and his wife Wilma, who are working side by side, building, for the future by draw- ing from the past, like all Middle Americans, They are instilling the lard Work and Our Country, ‘The Cotters are (I. to x.): Henry, Wilma, their 15 year old daughter Naney, and Spiro. Their 12-year-old son Henry, Jr. wasn’t available for our staff photographer, having run away from home the week before. EXTREME DEDICATION: Our hats are off to the de dicated parents of School Distriet =: = Barre, Pennsylvania, They have boen hold meetings to try and determine ways to improve school conditions in their area, No solutions yet, but the group will mect again Thursday, right after they're expected to vote down the new school appropriations bond issue for the seventh time in over two years,INSIDE-OUCH DEPT. Okay, gang, here we go again with another visit behind the scenes of an American institution A MAD PEEK BEHIND ARTIST: JACK RICKARD y We dont Thatsthe slender mater [| Twaredtnoni tos |] fetoovaas| | Msvevo4notcedhy many washadu panies Tuanpurgeccnionl) yeresionueas |) Sumeeet] |"ticale srt" arr"onCaremrtn” gmuonervevcoulrt | temamiontnes, || Merwaone| | "nmarios ay ioe Son aso legarin ou Tad [| Swims Peyveveatt, || cansoster!] | anleivean ey forte Somes youknour tnecorea tat "Ear Wectiiacce: [| ‘caret j ilsyou up wet ot Eccimine otranaesrtentd BR Oy Loree ‘ youhad¢Walcart Batweton Tanah] ohare ena eat nat How about this?: "When your new T Duster is recalled for faulty omit brakes, you'll get better gas, its. fox mileage driving tbackto your PP honest, (>> and remember—in this agency, | J Good news! /] Oh-oht im Plymouth dealer than the average [°| butt we always use our clients’ produ We just |2} in trouble! Maverick owner will get driving [“] STILL ‘So want you guys to drink Coke, landed the ‘don't his car ack to his Ford dealer, | | ¢on't 'smoke Winstons, eat Kelloggs: reparation-H| | suffer from ‘brush with Grest and. ‘account! | [ hemorrhoids! for faulty transmission repairs!” | | like it) ve got that ‘Negro Youcailthata KJ Yougogetme token Negro for | | NEGRO? Lookat those a REAL Negro! ‘the backyard thick features, that Uke Diahann detergent bushy hair, that jet-black ||| carroll or Lena ial | | skint What doyouwantto [I] “Horne... or dOOFFEND people!?! || Leslie Uzeams! Teves where we ‘ nn Don'tyou understand Mf Mariboro | [ tgotoner ||| Here'sa Onay, wise invent the names for PB] the ad game yet" (Ml Cigarettes | | Mariboros || great onet q] cu! You s— V'| Wenever develop PB) contain the| | contain the ||] Mariboros ome up - : new formulas! We ‘magic || containthe || gov [y “with a ‘ou mean atteranew } | merely invent new ingredient, LJ “fabulous better formulas developed || ames for the same "Tissue additive mot || name tor fora product..-? ‘old junk’ Listento discover what new and inventive ways we the people are being shafted. Won’ ‘tyou Join us for THE SCEN ES At An Ad aie Barras, we |, I[ once upon atime, there was an ordinary | [ShhhiArmbruster's LI Why | Lipton tea bag. One day, a handsome ad not? ‘executive decided that ifthe bag was divided into two parts and called a “Flow Through” tea bag—that even though itcontained the same amount of tea, he Doyouthinknis] | ying ‘could convince people that it was much idwit believe | | yrtaeSy better than an ordinary tea bag. So... | that Fairy tae? | LYEARS! a Sy ceoeersreemn {feenineey reeves cated i. — toate i Z | Hey, Artie vier all et with te now '$2milion Tun people's ives oy seling (E| Seagrams ope pushing manivan tiling) “Wh Seep wit thal poison Tell you, this drug problem is c the | SESS con ese | Q ering new | ourelint ad cony for that WormsrTiefineiers produstistre, [A But eavt reed ; : LES] “serine anche orcs Thetigm butiuse_ PY fhe Cereal 6) "aeoptoduce corey Thetesteritsrepacee, nemore || went ost ancidon't profit the company makes and the more ‘understand it! | put DST ertsingtne proauct fi] ‘inenewoute only, Lon, Now there, numbskull! —_[§ ‘this morning... F&] I get itl! why=sob—why you nt |[ Ws bad enough , Ate Sscoanled || \waareot i) —t — was—sob—break into your | | stupid commercial! How's ts “Just waliliouseetho ED you Med ef Heese niger oee sort ora ‘new model! It's ideal forthe middie >) 1970 model, you'll just [> ‘that | only had one cavity! Live Init S| ecectamiyintacecntaantary []coveinet97i moder Galiteceactyucantady Mere 2 “Samexemangaeuson: Boa oe finer Lpseclseskliy et fe mreartans «tery mim eae Beceem seontecn es. Mle iene"9" PLOY-TATION DEPT. Take a look at the ads for movies, and you can sure tell what sells films these days: Sex! Nudity! Drugs! Wild living! That’s what brings the crowds to theatres! Well, this may work for the free-wheeling flicks of today... but what about the revivals of all those “square,” mild movies of yesterday? ADS FOR MO ARTIST: BOB CLARKE YOUNG, RESTLESS, YEARNING, GROPING FOR LOVE... SHE FOUND HERSELF ALONE IN A CABIN WITH SEVEN SEX-STARVED MEN! AND EVEN THEY WEREN'T ENOUGH TO SATISFY HER! SEE... the Misshapen Monsters Who Whistied While They Shared Her Instible Love! SEE ... te strange craviogs Brought on 8y eesistible "Apple OF Passion"! SEE ....thesatistc “queen” Posessed with The Unnatural Urges Of ark Desire! SEE .... snow write physica Aroused By The First “Real” Man To Come Along! “SOW WUTEALID TW? SEV EU DWARPS” IN LURID COLOR ‘Makes ‘Cinderella’ look like a fairy tale!” Me Diviate—POST. 36How do you advertise a re-release of something like... say and the Seven Dwarfs” or “Born Free” to modern movie audiences? The answer, my friends, is written in these ads . . . the answer is written in these ads. So follow their example, and stretch the truth, like we've done with these VIE REVIVALS He was A MAN DRIVEN MAD by a DESPERATE LONGING To touch— To fondle — To possess THE FORBIDDEN FLESH THAT TORMENTED HIS DESIRE! AHAB— avonotaewozrcommay A RAW, NAKED STORY- Of Passion! He hi epee PULSATING WITH PASSION! MOBY DICK “Goes to great depths ...a whale of aclimax!"—De Generate, STAR talizing Body was ‘T00 WILD Ever to be Possessed aTHEY “DROPPED OUT” OF LIFE ON A 40-YEAR FREAK-OUT IN THE DESERT! They were the Now generation of 1200 B.C.—a far-out cult of Flower Children who thumbed their noises at the establishment until one cat with long hair, beard and sandals offered them “Tablets” that turned them all on! Where did he get them? Out of sight, man! - 9 SEE MIND-BLOWING SCENES IN PSYCHEDELIC COLOR! “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” “The bad trip with the Golden Calf flipped my wig!” Moss, ROLLING STONE SHE BEHAVED LIKE A SHAMELESS ANIMAL! Jorned through the grass, Running unclad and u Stretching her long, lean of her lithe, willing body! hreds if she wanted to! of her, others ran! to call her his own! 7 SHE WAS BARE! ©“ SHE WAS BRAZEN! SHE e: é wr Fn Free” “She has @ lot 1o show, and she seems to like showing it! —Ogale, PLAYBOYMINOR ADJUSTMENT DEPT. Several issues back, we ran an article comparing College life in the ‘40's with life on the Campus today. Since this article received an overwhelming response of utter silence from our readers, we've decided to try again. this time by showing the changes that have taken place with respect to the teenagers of the '40's and the teenagers today. So join us now as we take A MAD LOOK AT TWO HIGH SCHOOL GENERATIONS MOVIES...THEN... ...AND NOW... 2 [Look, Man, I'm SEVENTEEN! can’t S| help it if 'm short for my age!! CLOTHES...THEN... ... AND NOW... Take off that ra Tsi'titgreow?l t | i's ‘Gee whiz! I'm sick of wearing T gave you Ea ee Va Ay \SMOKING...THEN... ... AND NOW... TEever catch you smoking again, | Z Thank God, Sam ...he's Iilgive to you goad! Don't you ZA smoking CIGARETTES! ints your growth?! | ——_ Z See aere > [ Bey, tsure wish twere | we, | «Lal ol noua i wp too UL ah HAIR...THEN... ... AND NOW... [ Hey, Dad, cant | Whatare you, a movie [Look at you! You're disgusting! have some money || star? You just hed Why don't you get a haircut?! Yor ahaireut? | | haircut two woeks ago!SCHOOL AUTHORITY.. ‘THEN... ...AND NOW... ‘feel for you! + || Mr, Frumpkinson, that group] [Stay calm, Miss Snodgrass! He's rough! | Student Activists wants to| |Unhh—maybe we can sneak’ Gosh, I'm scared! | gotta ee youl What'll we doz? | | out through the back door!t THE FAMILY CAR...THEN... ...AND NOW... Hey, Dad, 've got | [Well fyoumow the lawn, rake the = Take the Siheavy date ths. | [leaves and wash the er, you can use it : | [Burrow wins) | bus, sa sn y settowortt| | 5 i 2 are, 7) : ty ] Pa | p i \ I ee THE SCHOOL PAPER.. THEN... ... AND NOW... Wom...Dad,..1was] | We're very eeieeete. Mare Reading it! at| | Man, | WROTE you, reading | | itt'm the ‘uch trasht jel EDITCJOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.SITTING “BULL” DEPT. A, p af fccece | Can a beautiful Debutante from Nob Hill find happiness living in a Police Station with an ill-tempered but lovable Chief of Detectives, a former Juvenile Delinquent, and a handsome but dull Police Sergeant? For the answer to this and other equally ridiculous questions, join us now for MAD's version of “One Cop's Family” , namely TRON RIDE Seeif youcan Willyou knock: pick out the offthetiaming F ‘one who mugged | ff noise back there! you! Okay, you " guys... ake off your hats! TP Eva, you're a Policewoman | | ff That's right Police work [Scand these things are | | f is also taking bribes. hound to happen! Police | fl and busting open he ‘work isn’t ALL cooking = i writing teketst| accidentally mistook him or BE that's great shooting, 2 Silhouette Il evat He would nave been Target! Got him fl £40 Hewould Have Deen right through Mf (recommend you fora the heart! 'Sharpshoater’s Medal mena mo cere | an oeesee | cere) fae anything to dot? [You mean you were — Muck! You're not supposed ‘Maybe [ff Weil, Doctor . .. | mean, Chief ... it happened this morning. |to shoot anybody! Besides, i'd) was walking past the Bank, when this great-looking chiek Youre noteven 9G ‘ame running ovt twos love at st sight. And than | = noticed thatthe Bank Manager was running ater er Chief, you wor'thave | | target practicing {0 ook very | | on somebody else besides your Pistol ‘And it wasn't Muck! TE was ME!Laid tht | | / [Pinstructor, Eva?! = killed the girl love!er! See? ‘This is my badge! Er—1 mean, this is |? vee my gun! My bagge is here somewhet running from a Bank, do the following: (2) Identify yourself immediately (2) Shout Healt!" loudly and clearly. ing shot overhead My wamning shot killed : "She Gre Bank Manager, | Tyan) [ cwcodet) | wenn robbing the Saat one grstiooking’ | [ Mar» || ,Rewoue | | eer robbing te Bankt nanging 9 sigm and )) 2 swalow fying backte Copistranot_| Sh The Bank Manager was that to chasing her ‘cause she'd forgotten her Bankbook! chick, a workman a jime in 1 mek wor et, : AE the Parking Meter A me ee Lem You went by the book [chiet, tere's][ Did the Well... Are] [Oo00h! | ust love when Edd You ean't blame |enotner riot at|| Covernor =|] you tives =f the Chit noire at ust || yourself because 2 ,| the Universiga]| asthe | How ||) going togoor |p ———— | Givitan failed to act ||" Chief t's good Police to | could ‘according to know you have Ms Regulationst Besides, | somebody you con that Parking Meter's' | count on when you | | time'nad expired need eipt |? Man,1 [§How come? He didn't That's because this time, |_| This is the sixth If the students have never Sey 2 thing when 30 fart riot they've had! saw the ff rioters burned down time, the | @ No classes, no grades, co-ed Icommissioner =! the Library aad biew ium, ‘sosteamed! | | bt! || and the Commissioner = has tickets for the bie | -y ‘game on Saturday! 2ST Because it's Passover Eve? No, stupi! Because this = “verything they wanted: ‘Gee, | think tsian | ITN] Answer: ;— Risht, — Simple deduction! Edd [ll onay, man_-|.| We picked up 0 3a Bae oreccy Sal oest [i] and tre evosdy nod ter Okt? MAC Ih| Welter Liv once emamber =| wants to | === emotional traumas for this gy snstner Car Theft. B reading, “There ‘nn aad aa Ry re ie oe | yo ( Cy | RTA \ Tinea ana ¢ Tam) fe_werve | On Muckana |k yur |] iuseanten | | srl iends! |) Chie es asa brad new yee arrested (oe roommate! Wl him many timest | Thisis” § HilGiad fohear |) Muck | |you'l be cleaning swinger— | |”“the place out & Se] Sl & Dinette searad fos daca naman tag noo (How would you like to work) |chotee? irmicdivenee [ae J scent creer] SuneSe “It was wild—but really dug that school! discovered] rking with engines and ignition systems wes my bagt” ws obvious that you like cars, so ''m going to enrol you inan Auto Mechanies’ School! JAIL! ‘The cam shaft’s connected Muck, do you Gime jail tothe crankshaft have to do your fi . The crankshatt’s connected homework on the {= tothe piston rod. i ‘The piston rod's connected der head “And then it happened... that terrible day _——" So that's it, Chief! he mi onthe V Network Oil eapeaty=*| |) “Suthintet! pa Lawyer just isn't ae ‘school? I'm sorry, a — a B mything! (tied Bact vent cant help you! ry Ml \y veotereeeneees ' wut Hl the sponsor telitartne []iheto.. tthe “Images”! We're getting alot of mail / they willo longer accept | | Network granted | | | ‘rom Givi Rights groups about YOUR nel youamnesty! |.) j “ath stage rats nar ere acs LSS [These things take time, | Trasaagpave, 4 [Soremember, when you ] al rhythm! |! | walkthrough a storm, [—and don’t be afraid) | [onthe dari ‘again become Auto. | [...andeat “fq | Keeb your head up high— Mechanics or Waiters | watermelon it |! Ry, A, erevenForers.c- acme : 4, Ne < “)DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I See oe IN A CRASH-PAD renter sro Tee) st leftovers, Baby!HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER REVOLTING Now is the time when students everywhere are selecting their Fall and Winter wardrobes. But, considering what life is like at most schools today, one style should be a “must”! To see what it is, fold in page as shown... Reece FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT <3 FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B” RIDICULOUS STYLE CHANGES CAN GIVE THOSE WHO FOOT GROWING BILLS FOR NEW OUTFITS A PAIN IN THE REAR Ar 6BUnless Mr. Nixon dumps Mr. Agnew as his running mate in '72, the Vice-President will almost certainly develop Presidential aspirations, and we'll be sure to see this as “The Spifo.of ’76”