No. 105 —_ OUR PRICE Sept. 30° 66 CHEAPNUMBER 105 SEPTEMBER 1966 “When money talks, nobody criticizes its accent!” fred E. Neuman WILLIAM MC GAINES publisher ALBERT 8, FELDSTEIN editor SJONN FUINAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, KICK MECLIN associate editors MARTIN. SCHEDIAN lawsuits ‘LOMA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLL, RICHARD CRILLO subscriptions the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS. AIDE-DE-“CAMP” DEPARTMENT Bats-Man 8 BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT More “MAD's Modern Beliove It Or Nuts”. BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Traveling CANNED LAUGHTER DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At Shut-ins DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT “One Day On The Bridge” ...... joanwhile At The Doctor’s Office” “Meanwhile At The Sculptor’s Studio” DOUBLE EXPOSURE DEPARTMENT Photos That Prove West Is West & East Is East GIVING "EM THE DOUBLE-O DEPARTMENT MAD Licenses INVITATION TO THE DUNCE DEPARTMENT ‘What Is A Party-Pooper? IRON CURTAIN-CALL DEPARTMENT ‘The Spy That Came In For The Gold . JACKIE-OF-ALL-TRADES DEPARTMENT If Other Publications Used Movie Mag Cover Gimmicks LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail . MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas by Sergio Aragones QUESTIONABLE ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT Futuro National Television Tests RANDOM HASH-HOUSE DEPARTMENT Specialized Cookbooks SLIPPED DISCOTHEQUE DEPARTMENT Hullabadig Au Go Go ..-....+:0-2ee0re0 SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT Horrifying Clichés "Various Places Around The Magazine 20 24 43 7 14 VITAL FEATURES BATS-MAN (A MAD v SATIRE) Po.7 WHAT ISA PARTY- POOPER? Pg. 24 MAD LOOK AT ‘SHUT-INS Pg. 40 MAD “DOUBLE-O NUMBER" LICENSES Pg.20 HULLABADIG. ‘AU GO GO (AMAD TV SATIRE) Pg. 33 THE SPY ‘THAT CAME IN FOR THE GOLDINDULGE YOUR SHELF! STUFF IT WITH MAD ‘use coupon or duplicate NAME. ADDRESS. MAD 950 Third Avenue, CITY New York, N.¥.10022 grate. PLEASE SEND ME: [Like MAD 5 The Ides of MAD. © Fighting MAD i The MAD Frontior 5) MAD in Orbit 15 The Voodoo MAD. (5 Greasy MAD Stuf (The MAD Reader CIMAD Strikes Back Inside MAD. (Utterly MAD (Dy The Brothers MAD (Ey The Bedside MAD 1B Three Ring MAD (5) Son of MAD The Self Made MAD 5) The Organization MAD) The MAD Sampler We exert be repanaie for ca Tan or ttn In al heck Mose treat 21P-CODE, (lt’s AWerld, World, etc., MAD 5 Raving MAD 5) DON MARTIN Steps Out 5 DON MARTIN Bounces Back 5 DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories 5 DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A. 5 DAVE BERG Looks At Peop! MAD's All-New “Spy-vs-Spy’ I. ENCLOSE 50 FOR EACH: on orrs ete the U.S.A. be Sees YON tow a LETTERS DEPT. THE THREE FACES OF MAD T've never laughed so hard or so much as [did when T read my copy of MAD Te is by far the best MAD you've ever produced. Please keep up the good Robin Eainger Brooklya, New York ‘The odor ia my room is almost too much for me to bese right now. Te all started when I brought my new issue of MAD (#103) into the house. The entire magazine was « waste of time. I get more Taughs oat of my daily newspaper! ‘Carol Brauch Sewaed, Nebraska was. eh! Joel Green ‘Chicago, I HONEY WASTE Well you've done it agnin! How you pack of morons can consistently come up ‘with marvelous spoofs such as "Honey ‘Wasee" ip beyond me. This one showed Both the best and the worse America has to offer in the field of entertainment. Mainly, the best humorous review of the worst show on TV. Harvey Kreme ‘Buffalo, New York Your satire on "Honey West” was en ‘Ueeee Waste"! George Bushnell Sante Ana, California 1 just read your MAD satire, "Honey Waste” and I was thoroughly disgusted Honey West’ isa brilliant detective story and you turned into a sickening flop. This time, MAD gooted! Shirley Davidson. Tewin, Pennsylvania Well send you the hospital bills! We splic our sides laughing! ‘Skip Pickling Creator of "Honey West Laguna Beach, California [ zeally enjoyed your satire of "Honey West"! Now—how about doing a eake-off on "Batman"? Kevin McCormick Lakewood, California No sooner ssid than done, Kevin. See page 7 of this ive Ed.A REAL “MAD” GAL Here at the Diller Estate, our canine (Fang, The Elder") is known as a real "MAD Dog’. Every time our subscription copy attves, he tosies the mailman for it, Best regards to Alfred E Neuman from one cartoon t© another! Phyllis Ditler Hollywood, Calif. FATHERS ARE TWO-TIME LoseRs In ffeince to yout aril, “Fetbrs Are Two-time Loser” in MAD #103, sould ost le to point oot bat Ralph Kinet ira THREE ce lose mainiy hectare cere were no 1971 New Orlesos Sliver dollars minted! Bob Walsh San Jose, California THE AGONY AND THE AGONY [want to tell you how much I enjoyed your treatment of “The Agony and. The Ecstasy” in MAD #103, having suffered through the pains of the movie. Your parody version of it wae priceless Mary G. Waido Berkeley, California Sacorday, I saw "The Agony and The Bastacy” and realy enjoyed the Sculpeure Review in the beginning and the "Whea ‘will you make an end” routine, Tuesday, Tread MAD's “The Agony and The “Agony” and really enjoyed the laughter throughout. Please, don't ever "make an tend” to the delighe you produce Patricia Smith Dillon, Montana (MIxXED-UP MAD Jose a line to tell you how much I love yout for continuing to question the shallow land the unfair aspects of our sociery with Hund minut of liberal comers in the fine intllectsal tradition of sive Elinor Harvin Detroit, Michigan ‘THE HYPOCRITE PRIMER I would like t0 congratulate you on coming up with such a brilliant article as "The MAD Hypocrite Primer" (#103). Tam writing this letter for the sole pur. pose of commending you for exposing the ‘many hypocritical aspects of modern life Te is heartwarming to sce that MAD has become the voice of truth, honor and lib- erty—leading the people on through the darkness into the light of freedom. Er— by the way, how much do you pay for a printed letter? Barry Stevens Winnipeg, Ont, Can, HORRIFYING CLICHES 1 must compliment Pral Coker Jt. and Phil Hahn for their wonderful "Horeify- ing Clichés” in the June issue of MAD 103). The "MAD Beastlies" were very funny, but these make me toll over laugh: ing. Even my father, who needs a really fonay joke to laugh heartily, was roaring MADWy Andy Gallagher Beaconsfield, Quebec, Can. Paul Coker and Phil Hahn have crested the funniest addition ro MAD in years MAD Beattlies’ were great, but "Horrily ing Clichés” is too much! ‘John Comerford Lansing, Michigan How DO WE DO IT? Congratulations on sustaining the most profound mockery of "Madison Avenue ever! That is, profitably (?) selling a 30¢ ‘magazine without dependiag on advertis- ing income. How you can exist while pass- ing up the tons of money other magazines hol in from carrying ads is beyond me. You must have a tremendous source of outside capital Steve Mackin Flint, Michigan Yes, we all “Moonlight” as Garbagemen 6 NO ‘JUNK MAIL’ LIST 1 want co thank you for keeping your lise of subscribers the personal. property ‘of your publication. My son isa teenager, and really enjoys his subscription to your magazine. Up until the present time, be has received no "junk mail” from any other source. I mention this because my oldest boy once ordered an item from the cover of another magazine, and hardly a day ‘goes by thac we do not get mail from every ‘ual order house in che country trying to fell us everything from Auto Tasurance to racy movies. When Chris ordered MAD, T'was a bit apprehensive, but you have been honorable people and I must com- pliment you for this. Mrs, Joseph P. Lane Picsburgh, Penna You are correct in observing that the list of MAD Subscribers is jealously guarded ond that wa refuse to sell i to anyone. Ed. Plecxe addres all correspondence to: ‘MAD, Dept. 105, 850 Third Avenue 'New York City, New York 10022 SUBSCRIBE TO IRIS ZEST . -. and you won't miss any of the “Action” in each “Giant” issue! use coupon or duplicate ~ MAD 880 Third Avenue, New York, N.¥. 10022 [Lenclose $2.00. Pease enter my name on your sub- scription ist and ma me the next Tissues of MAD 1) Lencise $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub- scription list, and mail me the next 21 Tues Of MAD NAME,§ aq yl 2| 5| Fd 9| g| a a 3 3 a A PORTFOLIO OF MADPHOTOS THAT PROVE ,FEAST IS EAST!Everybody's going wild over that new TV show featuring “The Caped Crusader” and his teenage side-kick. But has anyone ever wondered what it would really be like as the side-kick of a “Caped Crusader”? Would a typical red-blooded teenage boy really be happy dressing in some far-out costume and spending all of his free time chasing crooks? Or would he much prefer dressing in chinos and go-go boots and spending all of his free time chasing chicks? We at MAD think the latter! In fact, we're ready to prove it! Let’s take a MAD look at “Boy Wonderful” as he is slowly being driven B/AUIS= ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LOU SiLVERSTONE_-~~ ZZ Finster Cleaners? This is Bats Man! You sent me the wrong costume! What do you mean "You sent it tothe ballet school by mistake’? Get it back and send it over to me quick! WW are [ Pint i You'd sure took ridiculous fighting rime in this outfit, Mr. Swain! Meanwhile, at Franklin D. Wilson High School... ti, zoida. || arreadyhaveadare | [Hi You've got alot of nerve with me. girl to be seen with going Dickson! Ditching me for a lousing up my love life! I'm going to ‘Saturday [| a non-athletic type tothe middle-aged lady! | saw have to straighten a few things out! night? like you, Gray Dickson! dance you sneaking off down theIt , pS : | Neuman, did Gray = Yes, sir. Master Hi rrow! He must be in danger! comieeie spertow went deity onto fooe To the Bat Set Tencel et |_| velow tthe lore Vih il) \ I S go Now, now, Boy Wonderful not nie, ot nice! ‘oom of Jill st John! Holy 3824-3611! Bats- Mobile| ee —— oa you see Wonderful? f YU S 7, . Holy Cornball! Listen, don’t get me wrong, Bats-Man Sut Sparrow— ‘'don't mind fighting erooks and running around in J You hs iy underwear! But I'd algo like some time for good, || your own clean teenage activites, like making out and sniffing ‘irplane glue and talking for hours on the phone nO Jf ''ve always dreaded this moment! Sparrow, you ie ‘are growing up! Yesterday you were just a litle Boy Wonderful, and today... well, it's ‘ume we hag a man-to-bird talk! 1's life of smiles, and a life of tears: Alife of hope, and a life of fears But remember, there's a Bluebird of Happiness! itHoly Don Ameche! I It just happens that the Commissioner is Itwas the Commissioner! He's bored out | aut what [agen Some phone! A’ [a very wy conversationalat! And’ rot this mind! Hesaidwe've been on te air | abcut deere fa ace Camere, ip | emoucnantoetont tegen‘ | oy day Seer'one weird vlan, or sealed one walli | tonight? |\-=ed ncherget ue setsucclereat Le Ne ew will have to wait until evil and injustice have been erased from Gotham City! And after that, 1] we've got problems in Asia! Ifyou really feel the need for feminine companionship, there's Leapin’ Lizards! It’s Sparrow Versus Bats-Mant! = mec 4 wwe I've been thinking ... you know how kidnap-prone Aunt That's better. Atleast now | K, Hattie is! Well, wouldn’t i be wise f one of us stayed here to protect her while the other zooms into town in BD the Bats*Mobile, waving at prety iris on the road. and—| ook ike @ normal teenager? ‘And in a few minutes +.That was a close call, coy Wondertutt it fl Pid) nad alien out of the Bats- Mobile on that ‘sharp turn outside the Bats Cave, I'd be #| wats-Gurger by now! The ears a total oss, PA rover Hmmm... gotting this Bat Off my back is going to better call the Insurance Adjuster ‘and unerate the alternate Bats Mobile! Holy Mushroom Holy Socks! What Bird-Brained Cloud! Can Scheme That Be The End Of Bats-Man?! Is Sparrow Hatching Now? We the the Mr. Bats-Man, sir, this |] Probably agit from 4 | commissioner. [yor nim not Paintin = package just arrived. | ‘one of my many Just wait until he uses ¥ % Sane Tell him not —_ es, eet aree ||| garners Come to fe tet razor tsrealys 4 | gSeice'Meng || tomormtne | Sener Wnt opening forovct’s || thinker, ean use f Laser beam! So one. ¥ | faostobmeg || Paininesare | cigs Tre ew electric razort || a shave right now! ewes || ainsi uncut Foundation || fermore than Founaa they're worth Bats-Man, Or Just Another Close Shave? They put the whole museum on wheels [] Yeeaahhhht!! stole it in broad daylight? ‘Astounding! Sounds like a new menace || has come to Gotham City it’s lust the Seven Santini | Holy _][ Oh dear, and good domestics || That death ray was meant for mei Ichabod |] are so hard to find, nowadays! || I'm up against the archest arch: Crane! criminal in my career! Warm up ithe alternate Bats-Mobile! maybea e = ee 2 Wee (ed ai he Don't you think we ought to ff Don't worry about it, Sparrow. I they really wanted to find out where PAT Neonventional TV weapons 4 | close the cave and put the || the Bats Cove al they'a nave to cots race tein rom the Bate {fc {and nothing worked. || roadblock back up, Bats Man? || ‘Phone in the Commissioners office TV weiter hove no lole ata be here's only one way BAY piste cero FH BY | oatetanexpose him! sameness Zig Wy NN nore) Ul Bate Man! | just received a call | Great Scott We'l have || itt know my supercrooks, the evl|| They f] come on, Sparrow.) = from a fiend who cals himself | to forget about the museum |. | Eicaponisholea upina deserted || always [] We haven't a El Capon” He said that at_ || robbery! There are thousands warehouse atthe edgect town! | are! |] moment to losel! ‘midnight tonight he's going to || of Rembrandts and Oa Vinci, |. | Dut only ONE Bats-Man! 2\lt reveal your true identity on TV! | z 2 awe Listen, Bats-Man ... let's use _ || Good thinking, Boy Wonderful In the mean: Welcome, Bats-Man! Bats-Plan #5 where you go through |! time, let's enjoy the way they shoot this I've been q the window and tgo through the || scene holding the camera sideways (0 give ‘expeeting you! skylight! Sort of surround EI Capont | the impression that we're climbing a wall!What have you done with Sparrow, ‘you fiend? Holy Benedict Arnoi SSS il If you only knew! But don't bother to struggle-—that cage ig escape proof! And in exactly ‘one hour, the entire country will learn your identity! Wait a secona! I'd know that] Close, Bats-Mé voice anywhere! | Know wio you really are, E1 Capon— ‘you're Aunt Hattie! JAM) ©f course | am! | thought tonight's guest vilain was Supposed to be Laurence Olivier But how were you ‘able to make that phone call to the Commissioner? was with-you all the time! And hou were you able to change into that costume so fast? ‘Alesson | learned from you in one of your many boring speeches! Remember the ‘one about logie and TV writers? You were right! They have none! That's how ‘come we ean do things lke starting ‘down our Bat Slide wearing street clothes and ending up in the Bats-Cave in full costume! But al that doesn’t matter now. In a short time you'll be all washed up! Finished! What difference does it make if they laugh, as long as they watch the program! For years, TV tried to reach the so-called sophisticates with “Playhouse 90”, "The Defenders”, ete. But they wouldn't even ‘turn on their sete! Ms ar ‘and they'tcall i ‘garbage—make the show ba 1d enough ‘teamp" and ‘stay glued to their sets! Holy Nielsen! You mean the f swingers are really squarer than the squares? Exactly! So tet ‘ the Bank An: youre remember, | promised you a Bluebird of Happiness? Now tiat ‘shall we say "old enough ‘the show's fringe benefits! Like, why do you think we have them laugh! Because we laugh too~all the way id about your lite problems, Boy Wonderful you ean start sharing these gorgeous-doll guest stars? TAT=3 §: ONE DAY , THEBRIDGEQUESTIONABLE ENTERTAINMENT DEPT. You really can't depend on it, but every once in a while Television comes up with something exciting —like Frinstance the widely-acclaimed “National Driver's Test.” However, this resulted in something you really can depend on—mainly that Television always takes anything that is widely-acclaimed and FUTURE NATIONAL ‘THE NATIONAL TEENAGERS PARENTS TEST 1, At what age should you tell your child about “the binds and the bees”? ) 12 years old (0) 14 years old (6 16 years old (a) You should tell your child cbout oe “the birds and the bees” when he is cin ibjeartolé However, you should tel 90m for he's ound to find out for inet At what time should you expect a teenage boy t0 2 ne home if he has school the next day (a O00. too ra {11:00PM answer: (6) You should expect him home at $0.00 P.M. However, you should not be furprised if he shows up at 1 oF 2:00 PM. 8. A 1hyearold boy is old enough to be forced to take a job. (@) True (oy False (ey Fate isnot fart expect boy of ANSE eta job, This is an important rising: Of cour its perfectly normal Pyne Oia that he do Tile things sor zon Mine. howe, tke mowing. the oe Taw, painting the garage, taking out the garbage, simonizing the ear, sanding ind varnuhing the floors, remodeling the basement, shopping, cooking, clea ing, sewing, baby-sitting, etc. et 2 4A Giving a child blocks to play with will help him ‘cyte (ake ANSE eipith doen and iieth Stee be . Petting should be discouraged among teenagers at (rae (a) False, As a matter of fact, teenagers ANSWER: Mould even be encouraged to play witht Their dogs. Not only petting, but fetch ing, rolling over, sitting up, etc. can be Miautating and helpful in developing ‘THE NATIONAL TEENAGER TEST 1. A teenage boy promises to pick up a gir] at 8:00 P.M. He should actually arrive at her house at (a) 8:00 PM (0) 8:30 P.M. (6 9:00 PM ANSWER: (a) is correct. Jf he says 8:00 P.M., he should arrive at 8:00 P.M. He should arrive, however, with several good brooks, afew crossword puzzles and some magazines to help pass the time while waiting for her. 2. You are a teenage git], and Friday night is the “big dance". No one has asked you, As a matter of fact, every time a boy comes up to you, he suddenly turns his head and walks away. You should: {@) Not go to the dance, and spend the evening fretting. (b) Ask your best friend what’s wrong with you. (6) Have your brother or cousin take you. (€) Get some of that good-tasting “red stult NSW (a) Get some of that good-tasting “red stuff” A quart of Gallo or Thunder bird, chugea-lugged, should hetp you for fet about that crummy dance com pletely John wants to show the best possible manners to his new girl. After picking her up in front of her home he opened the door and let her go in first, then he closed the door, walked around to the other side, and got in himself. This showed good manners (a) True (0) False ANSWER: (a) True. Actually, this did sh manners. However, if everyone did this, bus service would be slowed down con: siderably. 4. A newly:martied teenage couple should let their parents visit (a) Twice a week {(b) Once a week {c) Every other week (@) Once a month ANSWER: (a) 4 newly-marvied teenage couple Should let their parents visit at least twice a week. Afterall, tis the parents! hhowsebeats the idea to death! Which is why the “National Driver's Test” was followed by the “National Citizenship Test,” the “National Health Test,” the “National Honesty Test” and the “National Income ‘Tax Test.” Which is why we feel that it won't be long before we'll turn on our sets and find these TELEVISION TESTS WRITER: DICK BE BARTOLO THE NATIONAL CITY-DWELLER'S TEST 1. How much rent would you expect to pay for a de cent three-room apartment in a big city? (a) $100 a month (b) $200 a month, {6} $8004 month -aNswe a) (0) # (9 ae all comect Not ind ety bet added together. Yeo, $00 weil atte your aprinent from he 2. At Christmas, you should give money to: (a) The Superintendent (b) The Mailman (6) The Doorman (@) None of the above ANSWER: () You are not obliged 10 give money to people like those listed above at Christmas time. The fool who does merely wants to avoid (2) being evicted (b) having his mail thrown down a sewer, and (c) suffer y jrom having the front door slammed in @ broken nose his face ht, you should 8. If your neighbors are noisy late at (a) Cal your neighbors (b) Report them to the police (6 Turn up your TV set (@) Do nothing ANSWER: (a) You should call your neighbors Some of the things you can calt them are: #S%@¢*kl" —"RGS#E@+%! wand "ike #¢@ # 4 Petcare your partes alls blow ANSE The temperate falls Below (0) 0d can abo complain i it fall i fils blow (0) 40 degrees. 1 THE NATIONAL TELEVISION VIEWER'S TEST 1. Huntley and Brinkley ar: (a) Newscasters () Comedians (0 Brothers ANSWER: We thought we'd start off this test with (b) Comedians, since the netuorke na rks have 2. The Ed Sullivan Show has be (a) True (Fs ANSWER: (b) False. Aithough the Show has been on for 15 ‘on Sunday evenings for 15 yee non Ed Sultivan ears and i 8. 90% of all prime time TV shows a (3) Black & white oe () Color (© Bad tase ANSWER: (6) Color. (Editor's Note to the mil ho wrote (): We feel a joke na pe 4. 11 you want ral action, the show to watch (a) The Man From U.N.C.L.E “es 0) Batman (6 Hullabaloo ANSWER: This question cannot be ansuered with simple (3), () or ©). Ht would dope cmple,i{ you wanted to sce volents Jou would of cour, pick (© a 5. The most talented man on TV is: (a) Lawrence Welk (b) Durward Kirby (© Allen Ludden (2) Bert Parks ANSWER: FalseBERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPT, (EE AEC LIGHTER SIDE OF ‘Quick Fil unlock the door and you rush in and check the oven! But i's lable to cause a fire or an explosiont hati? But we've {You've got to turn back! traveled 50 miles {trom home already! Oh, my gosh | think | eft the kitchen oven ont This) (You said tiwinata | {Are you guys nuts or somethin’? tz the| | perfect spot to set_| Take a look around! Drinking water| place! | |upoureamping geart} | istwo miles back! The nearest ‘swimming ie five miles west! And. there's no fie wood! Where are al the vita facilities we need? isten, Mister! What President tif the United States were to ‘suddenly show up at ‘this motel! Would you We've been driving | ‘allay! Mon, are ‘the! of webeat!Gieusa || so we're room so we can just ' flop down and sleep! || FULL Ur Fx find him a room? ea (don’t know about the vital facilities YOU need, Herman! But the vital facilities WE. need are all within a few yardst ‘to this motel! ‘So why don’t you tus rave the room you were gonna give to him?PE hone as oe TRAVELING WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG The oven Bateven oF | (—Wall Dam Rive been diving ive a manioe 5c TE in tacemecieat hi ine tes) (ponte nie msec, ‘p,m gna tink forgot eh ornskanah least eo | ct recsas ue neurccnngo atau t i iP) eae eX oe i ie wild goose chase! Do me a favor! Next time you get another bright idea, just lock Your mouth and throw away the key! N sitbythe | | 1SAWIT FIRST! | | HIM STOP! | on window! | | WANNA SIT BY| | WANNA SIT BY saw it frst THE WINDOW! just that ! wanna sitby the window! YOU DID NOT! | (DADDY! MAKE t Tmust say, | this childish problem! A What a gorgeous hotell Every beautiful room witha terrace and a here, too! You View! Ican't waitto 2] HERE? \don't'seem very tell Cynthia about it) detail so. H hapoy to see me!Taon't believe in waiting until the fast minute ike you do! So if you ‘don't mind, V's Hike a shirt Just unpacking your lbag for when we return home from our trip! Why eave things for the last minute?! ‘Alright, Me. Particular! “That's the third motel you've passed! What was the matter wit that one?| ‘and what's wrong) (It has no Air with this one?) ,., (Conditioners! Sure...1e ) (M (Ont Er—thanke way inthe back! you, but I'd rather not go! You mean you're just oing to sit there fang suffer? Why? (And this one? What's] fit has no TV sets] ‘wrong with this one? [in every room! bh T= don't think leould stand having everybody iknow where {'m going! Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen’ Tam your Stewardess. Since most of ‘our fight will be over water, in case of emergency, you wil find your Life ‘Preserver under your seat which is inflated by pulling these tabs. If we suddenly lose eabin pressure, there ig an Oxygen Mask over your head “The Emergency Escape Hatch isin the rear. There is. another Emergency Exit next ‘to seat 29A, And if you ‘ee airsick, there is 2 paper bag in the pocket infront of you! Thank you![Port ay nave) [Dont pen yout) Gooaevel) [Eniy yourseves!](sooabye!} [on y rd rather buy you aa = Cr a pe I won't ew evening gown than Genre overt) GEcosive) (Eye) i go through another of Don't go swimming we Tt) (Shows tong goodbyes! ‘So long! [Don’t forget to write! )['Byel back . ater you eat ‘oo fast a Sieoarie By - = i [Doe free funasaess] 4 : face your put = comm (Goad f ? epee T ‘al. $e ow mer a ad y WHAT? WHAT HASN'T TT GOT? dare you to find something GO AHEAD, PRIMA DONNA! TELL wrong with this one! ME! WHAT HASN'T THIS ONE GOT?! i is i =| | uggs tI (i ‘Absolutely \f Mrs. Combs said she'd isn't it great to breathtaking! |J “come in and feed the ‘et completely Le'me get a |} tropical fish every, away from all the shot of you 2 ‘mundane everyday in frontof ¢ ‘aggravations of this spat home once in ‘2 while? This bus is made up of mostly new Hey, Campers! I'm your Uncle Milty) campers! It's probably the first time Lots laugh it up! Lat's sing It up for they've been avay from their families.| | good o Camp Ship-em-off There's We've got a couple of criers, and a few ‘nothing like a good ol" song-fest to eae ceeete co eeneg ‘et into the sprit of Summer Fun! Right? Now, what shall we sing?GIVING 'EM THE DOUBLE-O DEPT. ‘This is James Bond's “O07—License oO oO 7 To ‘Kin. Who gave it to him? We LICENSE TO KILL Siete iol dae ae he wants any time that he wants. issuED To Which is okay with us, providing he JAMES BOND oo1 LICENSE TO COAST Issued To JACKIE GLEASON Former Funny Man les the holder to oo3s LICENSE TO BORE Issued To DEAN RUSK Secretary Of State Piste Fl oo5s LICENSE TO SHAME Issued To ‘THE BEVERLY ‘HILLBILLIES Ambassadors of Clan counties the impression that We American Culture tindenshyanaton of morons and creas,LICENSES ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: STAN HART LICENSE TO NAUSEATE Issued To DORIS DAY Rapidly Aging Movie Star licen oo04 LICENSE TO AMAZE Issued To DURWARD KIRBY All-Around TV Something-Or-Other LICENSE TO BE PRETENTIOUS HUGH M. HEFNER ltor,PublishorandPoolroom Philosopher Fririch NicLICENSE TO BE oos INSIGNIFICANT ae Tesued To HUBERT H. HUMPHREY Reputed-To-Be Vice President Of The US. LICENSE TO BE OVERBEARING Issued To JERRY LEWIS LICENSE TO DISGUST Issued To THE DOUBLEMINT SINGING KIDS Some Idiot's Idea Of Typical American Teonagers This cemed, pir permed ooo LICENSE TO STEAL Issued To WILLIAM M. GAINES Publisher Of MAD This license permis the holder to ask the ‘Halong sum of 30 Yor’ collection of Inane articles lite the one, and also. a {ows him fo ack the even more ridbenlous ‘sm of S0¢ when such barbage i epnntedINVITATION TO THE DUNGE DEPT. ISAP ARTIST: SERGIO ARAGONES ETWEEN THE TIME the first guests arrive, and the time the last coat is removed from the host's bed, every gathering is guaranteed to be infl- trated by a square peg in the social circle called a “Party-Pooper.” A Party- Pooper is the catalyst that binds together diverse elements and motivates everyone to go home by 10:15. Party-Poopers poop parties in a variety of ways... but there are two main social blunders they invariably commit: (1) Showing up, and (2) Staying. house except where the party is. Some barricade themselves in the kitchen, ‘where they monopolize the prettiest girl in the crowd for the entire evening, by threatening to throw her car keys down the Disposal. Others retire to the den, searching for something interesting to read . . . in the desk drawers. And one is always on the Princess phone in the master bedroom, dialing the recorded weather forecast number ...in Anchorage, Alaska. Pe ARE USUALLY found in almost every room of the VEN WHEN A PARTY-POOPER joins the group, he never quite gets with it. He’s the one who becomes so convulsed while repeating a Bennett Cerf witticism that he falls into the hors d’oeuvres. He's the one who interrupts conversations about “Peyton Place” to explain the Farm Subsidy Program. And he's the one who insists on demonstrating, unsuccessfully, how the host's elec- trical wiring can be tied to a neighbor's meter. through refrigerators, do card tricks, reminisce over trips to the dentist, perform on the kazoo, wear a tie clip that squirts ammonia, and stand on the sofa to supervise the choosing of teams for word games he’s suggested play- ing. A Party-Pooper does not particularly like discussions of: popular movies he hasn't seen, popular books he hasn't read, popular people he doesn’t know, or popular issues he hasn’t heard about, A PARTY-POOPER LIKES TO: tell long pointless jokes in dialect, rummage N AWAY, it’s a pity on a Party-Pooper. He bathes with Dial, shampoos with I Head and Shoulders, sprays on Ban, brushes with Colgate, gargles with Listerine and grooms with VO-5. Then he sets forth to infect the Pepsi Generation with a Carter's Little Liver Pill personalityTY-POOPER? WRITER: Tom KOCH ARTY-POOPERS PUSH HOSTESSES to the brink of distraction, and uncooperative blondes to the brink of 19th floor apartment terraces. They have a knack for putting to sleep every guest on the scene while they're waking up every baby on the block. Once they're invited to a party, they never break their promise to come. . . and once they come, they never fail to break everything else to share what they have with others. They bring: casseroles of health food to dinner parties, French post-cards to children’s parties, loaded cameras to office parties, Presbyterian ministers to stag parties, and jilted girl friends of the groom to wedding parties S ILL, PARTY-POOPERS POSSESS a spirit of generosity that drives them There is nothing sadistic about bringing a stack of Judy Canova records if nobody has to listen to them. There is nothing cruel about carrying around a stamp album . . . if nobody has to marvel at the set of Liechtenstein airmails, And there is nothing destructive about ringing a doorbell... if nobody answers it to let in the Party-Pooper with his Judy Canova records and his stamp album. M IGHT AS WELL FACE IT, THOUGH! Party-Poopers always manage B: PARTY-POOPERS ARE NOT REALLY sadistic or cruel or destructive. to get into parties somehow . .. to race from room to room, strangling merriment with their own bare personalities. But after the party runs out of cheese dip and ice cubes and ginger ale, because the Party-Pooper fed the cheese dip to the cat and threw the ice cubes in the toilet and poured the ginger ale into the fish tank . . . and after the guests have learned that six Wedgwood cups cannot be balanced on a broom handle, and a Great Dane loses his sweet disposi- tion when a bird cage is tied around his neck, and it’s much easier to take a price- less model ship out of a bottle than to put it back in... and after the conviviality has sunk into a terminal coma and expired from acute boredom, you can bet that the Party-Pooper will be the only one who doesn’t know he killed it simply be- cause he was there. And come next Saturday night, he'll be ringing the doorbell of another victim, and shattering the night air with his familiar, cheery cry: “HEY, WHERE'S THE PARTY?”BEHIND THE ODD BALL DEPT. alisha tor 1S CHATTERLY, 2 WAIHER AENIE ROGEN: pew! Chal - AWPP SCED ya" ns SING THN BML ill | 2S eagaSS HONE ‘TOWN IN GEORGIA TRAVELING AT “TWAT DOESN'T SHAKE AND FALL OFF THE BIMILES PER HOUR ... AND YET. WAS GIVEN A TICKET FOR TABLE WHEN IT RINGS wed by NR. 0. AM / RAN FOR A CONGRESSIONAL SEAT IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA..... AND YET. WAS WOT A FORMER SONG 0° DANCE . MAN, MOVIE CELEBRITY, AUTHOR ) OR COMEDIAN | LEWIS was WALKING AT THE TIME / 3 se poruar ‘START OUT ON HIS, CAREER AS AN NBC PAGE Boy /JACKIE-OF-ALL-TRADES DEPT, If you’ve been watching the covers of Movie Magazines on the newsstands lately, you’re probably aware that they all look something like this... ~Angry Hayley clares CHILDHOOD PHOTOS (TAKEN LAST FRIDAY) ‘ull Pages Seven F The By To DEsTOY THE SECRET BURTON CAN'T HIDE Li's Aftair With The Norman [hott IE KENNEDY. ean rene ER TO JACK ’o Mar When you get right down to it, all Movie Magazine covers are composed of two basic ingredients: (1) Wild and sensational story-titles, most of which are misleading and/or phony; and (2) Come-on articles and photos dealing with—of all people- JACKIE KENNEDY! Apparently, in the eyes of Movie Maga- to undergo the indignity of zine editors, Jackie hasn’t suffered enough in her life time. Now she is forced seeing photos and idiotically-contrived stories about her in every Film Fan Publication in the country. Which got us to thinking: Since Movie Mags have found the magic success formula, isn’t it a matter of time before all the other magazines latch on to the same formula? Here, then, is what we can expect .. IF OTHER PUBLICATIONS USED THOSE SENSATIONAL MOVIE MAG COVER GIMMICKS (INCLUDING THE SHAMELESS EXPLOITATION OF JACKIE KENNEDY) aco ‘TLet Them Make Me Have THAT Operation!” Pleads Lassie )y ‘Pet World ‘= ‘An Open Letter KI “you'd Be A Fool To, Become A Playboy Bunny! “OTHE AFFAIR 1 SWORE 1 WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT!” by Mr. Ed ‘ janes Dean ts Dead. ‘But Checkers Lives!” [A New Meaory Cult Is Born CHEETAH: orget Wy Kamel fn ‘Tose Worn Monkey” wbernating. Hab” ‘The Naked Truth About Those Long Winters In siokey The Bear's Cave ‘imry LIFE AND LOVES” EW AUTOBIOGRAPHY FRO TIN AS 10 FUPPER I Tes All Over Between Mr. Hoboken And His Deltoids! H | Muscutar Development | JULY 1906 ‘STEVE REEVES: 2 Ugly Whispers About Doorway Chinning Bar Lapel Sopa ) ane pave Tues ABDOMINALS HEADING | FOR BIG HEADLINES? * Mr. Lake Ronkonkomo: bis Strange Passion For (Older Sandow Cable Pectoral Definers * fr. A iss Ameri ‘Are They Exercising Together These Days? * MRS. CHARLES ATLAS: “REFUSE TO SHARE ‘MY HOME WITH ANOTHER ‘S-INCH BICEP?” NATIONAL SeneR AL y ren Cl we The rive scorer igweityoms is Thine rome ‘WH nan lk 898 tua ew ek | BES) cautery oo Big) a ne | WAT Tue SANG AnOUT SAN sha tivnesTone Lgl THE STRANGE RELATIoNanyoerwazn Fawr tock ae cxnenvh 4geten Pros oF maaLon sexes gex BEFORE MARRIAGE? INTRIGUE AT THE N.Y, TIMES CROSSWORD | ‘PUZZLE DEPARTMENT: rmerratn dieu JACKIE KENNEDY peice‘WHEN NORM NELSON FOUND GOD IN A ROLLERIZED CAMSHAFT |’ ROADE*TRACK | JULY 50 cents ‘Wayne Horning’s Secret M Fears For His Unborn Stock Car CRAIG BREEDLOVE'S SEARING CONFESSIONS ABOUT HIS 4-POT MANIFOLD DAN GURNEY: What His Wite Does Xe ‘On The Yucca Salt Fats | IS HENRY FoRD stiLL CARRYING A TORCH FOR MIS EDSEL? Make Me Nouseous! BY "BIG DADDY’ ROTH Preece h ae Rag hed Re Sc eo AN OPEN LETTER To JAMES WoNG HOWE! You Don’t Stand A Chinaman’s Chance With JACKIE KENNEDY ‘The Rumor BELL can't fight: “HOWELL WANTS OUT?” What goes! Richard | an intimate | The Hot on after | Aveion’s | close-up of | Loves Of they sit |PARKROOM:| Georciz | ERNST ey sit the fo EasTMaN | LEITZ: r Honest |The Rochester | Mrs. Leitz Bachrach | lowdom: | “Rook" | No Lei U.S.News Rat atgs THE GIRL WHO LANDED DEAN RUSK But Can She Hold Him? JACKIE KENNEDY'S HUSH-HUSH TETE-A-TETES WITH HAILLE SELASSIE THE CHANG KA-SHEKS: ‘tet Sxchat?| anys a nexeriouny pune Mo Unda Soma ee ] is Fidel | ears Cr eet EXCLUSIVE: 17 FULL-COLOR PICTURES OF J. PAUL CETTY'S WALLET BUSINESS aS ‘Are Dow And Jones Heading For Heartbreak? THE NIGHT ELIZABETH ARDEN CRIED IN MAX FACTORS ARMS Merril, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Smith: ‘THE MARRIAGE PROBLEM THEY ALL SHARE Is Henry R. Playing It LUCE? THE FEELING THAT PEPSI EXEC, JOAN CRAWFORD KEEPS ALL BOTTLED UP JACKIE KENNEDY'S NEXT: ‘One Of The Seven Santini Brothers?‘SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPT. Hey, gang! It’s time once again for MAD'S new game. Here’s how it works: Take any fai phrase or colloquial expres: eerie setting so you come up ‘a new-type monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you're HORRIFYING CLICHES ARTIST: PAULCOKER, JR. WRITERS: PHIL HAHN & JACK HANRAHAN a Hatching A SCHEME Laboring Under An ILLUSIONDON MARTIN DEPT. PART III MEANWHILE AT THE SCULPTOR'S _ STUDIO {1ust CAN'T GET IT? ey) eet 5 Cs RNY BY GEORGE, | GOT IT!SLIPPED DISCOTHEQUE DEPT, You screamed at “Hullabaloo”! You shouted at “Shindig”! You shrieked at “Hollywood Au Go Go”! and now you’re gonna holler — mainly for your money back — after you read MAD’s version of the biggest of the biggies HULLABADIG AU GO GO ARTIST: JACK DAVIS__ WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO. (val From the swinging r That's Murray, you idiot! Teenage Center in swinging ff” land Th And it's Mister—not New York City... The Do ‘Ace you blind or something? Criminal Courts Building . . ; Boy, if | dign’t think I'd it's time for another session [J Her Bip my Bolero Jacket, 1a of “HULLABADIG AU GO GO”! 3 BARI punch you right in the nose! Gee, | haven't even announced the title Hi, all you Fruggers an’ Jerkers an’ Watusiers! Right now, Vaiike toThe reaction is dying down. We better let sing it out, baby! That was for you! And maybe someday, we'll be able to do it as Hi, Larry! know ‘rom high overhead! part that gets the guy the guys over fio AS va Hold it, guys! Hold! Your Now, a shot of only feet This iso very And finaly, ong shot rom a mile sets stil focus t's ‘arty snot. ana also doesnt show, away, whieh makes the small du your eyes that just went out! [Pf the Dancers faces, which are new getting Studio lok ke is, dumpy st ‘roen from nausea = Thank you, Larry. We really have to be ‘Thank you, Murray. I'd ike to say a moving along... because every minute few words about aur latest album that we lose, anather one of our guests “A Salute To Sal Mineo". It contains ‘standing by fades into oblivion! So— wc Just made all the chi made famous and the restot the RIG ng an eSD CASS Bose rene es ae, || "tawrence of Arabia™ and “Cleopatra vy. on sale tomorrow: “Nobody's Perfect"! raavee 7 To gERON, Nobody's 1 know He may sutater YPM No-nobody’s [ex Butt'm stil happy Peet Tarlac cops have obbed, QE my watch” MM erect! RARE Going steacy”” Niteren Aeate an’ hemay He took Not even With sweet ‘ny mt him f veto 4M ny sou ear Jim! Crooked himaee ‘have seen alot of war, An’ Ihave seen alot of harm; have seen alt of heartbreak, ‘An’ I've seen a dropping Bom I] | have seen fear and hostility, I} Ac" Mans sheer inhumanity; Yes-t have seen all ofthese things, You bet! Tan why no lnger watch aibum, “Love ls So Tender”. Boy, those wonderful 3 Well, Gang, that just about wraps up another Iyries make it hard JUST KEEP ON session of "Hutsasaoie Av Go Go”... except for me to speak. SHOUTING... {for our wild, frenzied finale where the band plays so loud, you can hardly hear what I'm saying about who's gonna be on next week — so you won't want to miss them! ‘An now, for you dirty olé men who just got your eyes back into focus, 2 parting shot of our fabulous ““Huttanaoie Au Go Go Dancers”...RANDOM HASH-HOUSE DEPT. ‘This is the age of specialization. Remember when you could buy a cookbook that would tell you everything there was to know about cooking? Have you looked at the shelves of cook- books available today? (Well, not really today, idiot! That's just an expression meaning “lately”!). Each phase of cook- ing has been divided and sub-divided until every aspect of the culinary art can be found in its own separate cookbook. ‘And if this trend continues, here are some examples of what we can expect to see as the cookbooks of tomorrow (Well, not really tomorrow, idiot! That's just an expression meaning “the future”!), as Map now presents the ultimate in ARING SELECTING AND PREPARL A ROUR-OUNCE TURKEY 5 New Rect 4 New Recipe For That LatOver Turkey Dito Ditto, Ditto. And Ete the “How” and "Why" of $4.00 WORTH Mow Tc romaine Poisoning Fe ea, See ars Stage me ay 6 22h ten wae 5H, a RAISIN PIE-WITH 1 RAISIN ow macy vocouae 1 fatting Tat How To Make A Delicious Fon AOPOUND WOAET coe ele ae ie Happy Birthday” Cupeeke = chee cas Orla — SS]THE DIETERS || COOKBOOR | (6 > 1@f | revetme,oeucious 2 oegsens TOU CAN SMELL 2 Tie sine Hints For Caving A rape cre OR PREPARING ME saan o eacnET, at Condy... Say Tin) rt Rove The Clophane! wow 10 sect LEAN BANANA! We Low lai Tat Tet Cream Ot old Maer Soup 6 SUMPTUDUS MEALS YOU aR MAKE LOOK URAPPTIZNG 1 DISGUSTING $0 YOU ONT WANT T xT THEM COOKING FOR THE | FILT a THE N EA STOPSERVING TR ‘ BREAKFASTS OF LOI (OSE SAME OLD TIRED es How To Se TER TAILS AND STEAK! The ay ay, Wha. ga } rH \ND DRESSING | woe a HOW TOHAVE YOUR COOK COOK A Goose HOW TO COOK YOUR COOK’s GoosE ce FOR OVER« tept-On0 OROVER-COOKING YOUR Goose \ Mow To Stretch 20 Pound ‘Sindy Yo'Serte Four Goeste! Z d ot (eo RE etuaro ome ‘THE SERVICEM! COOKBOOK xe BF @ |, vvesew secreronnaen | pay nears ORME ‘Save That Dirty Dishwater! i SHLD Rea eran see | ll oeee i) HOWTO MAKE ARMY.TY?E., || / HOW TOA rnESH GROUND ||| GgaB pron stAue SO TOO!) |} y of 5.0.8.-More Thos Just ‘R Distross Signal ii PREPARING A SEVEN.COURSE | RERNERINTUSTONEPOT- |) ‘RE THE SAME TIME! Serve Him His Meals In The NEENSr e's Accustomed To: Metis Bockeraea. In The Rain "Winn A Bow Knife, A Rusty Set For Every Meal! ork And R Dirty SpoorCANNED LAUGHTER DEPT. A MAD Look At ° ee tie Guat e e e — Te e eoccecccccee : er J Lobel t es To FETs 5 : G yA:IRON CURTAIN-CALL DEPT, Are you sick of preposterous “ “Good-Gu ¢ sexy gil you can. Sure, they’re corny and infantile and badly doi ‘ecret Agent” movies? Are you tired of s Bad-Guy” plots, the same old trite “tongu ’em while understandable! Tt seems that there’s no happy medium. The othe “Secret Agent” thriller that was sup} e. But y, Wi IN FOR THE GOLO ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN Gee, tough luck, Mr. Lummoxt That's the fifth fone of your But thie isn’t “The les always something! Last month, | Grost Wall "distinctly told him: For getaways at fone of my Agents was Kiled coming [ Great ta agents to be J The Wall, use a “Racing Bike"! Besides! ff through Kore because he towel te shot trying to. | How did he expect to make it? Even with]| have his hand stamped! There's no « pass through thisl| those training blocks, his feet don't getting amay from the Caner, checkpoint! ] reach the pedais! Why must Control W_tension and intrigue here at “The aways assign me such tiny spiest? Great Wall Of The idiot! He's riding a "28-Sehwinn”? Because they dont get a | Leave ht Under the se they don ES ve gota Not him! It's a man called ‘millon dollars plus terms of the Geneva new assignment [Tran be] Mondt—the brutal, vicious, percentage ofthe gross | Convention: they get foryou. |] aimeut He's | E25 German, exact Anan, Tike you do! That's why | possession of the Spy Lummoa! It's Nordic, blonde beast Counter Spy that's been murdering all of our agents! you're called "The Spy ff and we zet possession That Came In For The ff of the Bicycle! 've Gold"! By the way—what J got enough now taf should | do with the body? | open a store! currently on a singing tour of Grossinger’ and Las Vee a plot to trap your worst enemy! | veing the same old cheek” dialogue, the same old | , maybe there are some things you haven’t gotten tired of!) Well, enjoy | least they’re finally sawa_ } sed to be “well-done”! But it was so involved and i so complex that no one could figure out what it was all about. Here is MAD’s version of: THE SPY THAT CAME = Listen, this picture =, so involved, who has the time to remember names of Walls! Oh, why couldn't [play a less complex role—like one of those ‘other famous spies: [Napoleon Solo, James Bond, Maxwell Smart, Allon Funt? Look, nobody's perfect! We can't all be Nice Guy’‘Our plan is for you It’s too late! Volare! ‘T wanna shay that | ‘That's not over: [7 careers, | [eet | [Shion y > pranicane mon sn ncnegnats UM tostoniy goo send. | |, Loetewe tat | | On-oHt) * Demagme—non 'wote | “wit hat || mime you nad Yu wit your tte | |rappened te me || Conr . nff'uotnan morine. | Osan Marin, J tostucy 2 lp aendzourcaronr sip” || ancy omen | | Of, 08 oh oh “nye hun!” impersonation? part in a plot serene omer FB iabett nibadel se Wl wouldnt shay tim fT eoushe es ‘ SB dauer’bot f) roteaee run w ‘inch Ist New| wsssuppored tf" yurd be cu wey ae Mee | 2ee'Seaty: | sxbned every Seagram's Building! |] _underplayed! night, too! Whathind ofa || Weil, with those qualifications, ‘You've been here three weeks, ‘you're tolking about job do you have || we have openings fr: "A Mr. Lummox, and you've been the fact that you sennempittered, || Daytime TY Quiz show Master voiding me, Ig t because [Those things | “National VeNet” over 2 seedy, run-down || of Ceremonies”, "A London meamember st the Communist | don’t matter, year ago, that you stil Weather Forecaster”, "A Mod Party? Ist because we [anal It's just|] haven't returned it, and Clothing Salesman and "An Pelee‘ diametrically [that I'm afraid] that you owe nearly Six stant Libraria ‘opposed economic, political You'll discover|} Pounds in Overdue Late |i 4 She vociotogical theories? ls || the real truth J Charges—forget it! | a: oie bad breath? || about me... Aready know that about you! ‘drunkard with @ ‘gorgeous Tea ee ins Taayi Lookat Lummon, {onthe contrary! tts no Nescyeo (IMM ius a cous [a meme) | eating un tne grocer is. at The grocer verchartod someting wegen! [ened | em fnectreen] | prone ator set wo” || im ina paren act very arty |] 9% S22", | year | oracenet ingress the East German |L__ Chicken Noodle Sou personal eee rebar yy || evans 29) {| tees acanowtne te bow ‘ong distance |L¥Srr-,)|confused by| tow he's sunk! PoC rae m4 AYan | realize Im sent to | True! Th prison for beating up|] throw Excuse me! My | Which Mr ame is Rasht : I'm from the scene wasn’t in the |} soar. the audience is probably bewildered!) | Prisoner's Ald actual movie! || At east this scene, they'll understand! | | "Society! 'm r looking for a Mr. Lummox=2 Lummox do you want? We got TWO Lummox’s | living here: Irving Lummox, Listen, fm aware tat every “adut mowe" coming) yor [Tout of Eratand these days | Voy ly savage has to have tease one | Dot ai! Th effeminate character ut youre tov much LAL NS Sara Te been earthy “Wal that, toot Bt] [Sere ea] meee {| backeround materiat |] OF. gett You | mau me want ray, about Sour recut pest We are prepared to pay || * You hander tora and ‘also of obtaining certain Information— (Congratulations, Lummox! So you! We are going to make have finally been contacted by the East Germans in the person of Rash! Now the plot realy thickens because it's time for you te These suspicions willbe Vas i, ana wi aroused when he ciscovers J Meanwhile, Nana i that Mond was missing by planing inesminating from East Germany at the || mysterious stranger, uto | evidence against him and| pretend to defect to the enemy! and at the same time, le Pree ether aie wn Allison Mackenzie wil || Sequence" ‘Double Asay” arromennaw|l “become bored with || In fact, Im sten carefully tothis plan |) of his brliant assistant, " Peet ae aera Wwiich wil totally bewilder the || Fiddler, who detests him! Reet ape in nok tite cast, the crew and the auth In fact, he still hates, te select tt th him from a previous movie! |] Helsinki and Newark rials oe val aa ees not to mention the au ie from ap lelsinki ang Newar love with Adsiph Hite “openieg = = Is that clear, Lummox2]) Credits”! arousing the suspicionsLi E a) s - {realize that we're meeting || Because we're about to talk tomake final arrangements || dull, involved intrigue again, Yor my defection, but why’ |] and this is Paramount's sneaky pick a erummy place like this || way of giving the audience with a sleazy striptease || something they can follow— going on in the background? where are you taking me? [| To Holland for interrogation! [Prtotanat? t don’t want to |_| en switzertand? Se arn aent eae to go to Switzerland! ike to be near my money! ) =k = ine eal rig, Common, Who were And what = ‘And |) fis laundgt 1) weit see whether your the agente i ee || fe ee | information is worth ‘working Gia wart [op Sere ast Garman Secuty | Was) | Stand those anything to us with you Reimack. re ar ulerotinn in undromats in | th yo eines, | mctin=tve inten oft] hy | Mzoa Bern, ‘What was the cover operation? to you? || lst Praesidium meeting, written Toungier || sohehasit fname fr your East in erayola on 8 by 11 loose teat paper—and a large bundle! doneon | nL lange our side i oo No, im Le Corepoot My pare is] Like what?“The Torture Rack” | can you, ‘Only $1.371? || John Le Carrpool, Fiddler, and |] take that! “Burning Straws Under The Lummox. ‘But aren't. ‘the author of the [i if you don't Fingernails?” | can take that! “Ice ‘Your you Meters, |] book this movie is ‘tell me what || Cubes Down My Back?” “Tickling With usefull ‘checking j| know what's going of maine: ‘scenes from “The Sandpiper” . . . a Not | ean’t take that! II talkHi, fellows! I'm Hans Mondt, rd fina |], $350,000 in TWO that very] [International Banks? hard to [UY believe! ee 2 caotorctu 3 What did |For “Comedy Rete? Thi You know, F Saas No, es his crazy pp you punch } movie could use a good laugh! beginning to ‘Oh? What makes you say that? Is itthe | habit of having Litmmox anal] "A punch inte mouths suspect that | subtle hints ve been cropping about | everyone getup Fiddler refreshing change of pace | Mondt is an ‘strange bank accounts and withdrawals || before a Communist 4/77) each inthe | “fromalltnose ul and enemy agent ||"“that coincide oxacth with Monat | f moutn tort || aepressing “talk” scenes! | | Worningfor the || Guard, | Are you was visited by a Then ifit was a plot to antral | tm stil trying [] can you ||» kidding? tm mannames Smediey | minate Mond torigure out |] ‘tellus | stil trying ‘who paid my ret. london stop Sr traning He said he was 2 what wore tey tying © eyele friend of Alex's! do—sebotage ther own | allconfused! | Sequence”? operation? I'm all confused! i Producer's orders! You know that film ‘Mondt slipped him? It contained a detailed explanation of the plot! So ‘we had to kil him! He was the only fone wo finally understood the movie! Why are you doing this? Ist] questions! Just | because it's the one spy filmWHAT HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS “ees. MAD FOLD-IN HREATENS Last year, millions of campers and hunters were UNWARY threatened by a fierce creature. This year, the CAMPERS hideous beast is again expected to pounce upon EVERY unwary people as they flock to forests and parks YEAR? to enjoy the great outdoors. For a look at this e disgusting monster, fold in page as shown above. aca FOL THIS SECTION OVERLEFT 1B FOLD BACK SO “A” MEE LY V & xe VA, ne o vhs WA Die SMOLDERING, BURNING, ANGRY EYES ARE THE KEY ARTIST & WRITER: TO THE IDENTITY OF THE FIERCE BEAST THAT PUTS A DAMPER ON THE FUN FOR PEOPLE BY THE MILLIONS WHO GO CAMPING EVERY YEAR