VERBAL JUDO

The Gentle Art of Persuasion

George J. Thompson, Ph.D

Jerry B. Jenkins

Presented by Mark Dreibelbis, Assistant Commissioner, NCHSAA

 Handling the Attacks
 You will be attacked – little question of
that.
 The real question is whether you’ll
become a stronger, more flexible
person or if you will give in to reflex
actions that diminish your effectiveness.
 Don’t fall into traps for which you will
later regret your actions.
 Simple Secret
 It’s okay if someone insults, resists, or
attacks you. Try to laugh it off.
 Show that is has no meaning, no sting.
 If you fight back and resist the affront,
you give it life and credibility.
 If you defend yourself, you invite
counterattack.
 An Example
 Look what happened when Richard Nixon
declared, “I am not a crook.”
 If, instead of lying or defending himself, he
had early on admitted the truth without anger
or sarcasm.
 He might actually have survived politically.
 Imagine if he had said, “We got caught in a
stupid move and we’re going to make it
right.”
 What is Verbal Judo?
 Judo was developed as a sport of self-
defense without the use of weapons.

 Karate is defined as a self-defense

system characterized by sharp, quick
blows delivered with the hands and
feet.
 Verbal Karate
 Verbal Karate is lashing out—using harmful
and destructive words.
 Verbal Karate is the use of unprofessional
language, because you are using words to
express your personal feelings.
 You are not connecting with your audience
and you are off target
 Verbal Karate is easy—but it doesn’t work in
oral communication!
 Verbal Karate
 Verbal Karate burns bridges and alienates
people.
 It may make you feel good about yourself
temporarily, i.e. telling someone off.
 You strut away thinking, “I told them!”
 And then, you usually have to come back and
apologize.
 Be careful – people never forget verbal
abuse. It sinks deeper and lasts forever!
 Verbal Judo
 1st principle of physical judo is to not
resist your opponent. Instead, try to
move with them and redirect their
energy.
 In Verbal Judo, don’t ignore or dismiss
a question—that’s the same as resisting
it.
 Always attempt to answer, not avoid.
 Verbal Judo
 Leap into the questions with energy.
Turn them into opportunities to explain
yourself, tell what you do, justify your
views.
 Here’s the chance to educate a person,
to win their respect, and provide them
with deeper understanding so they
won’t go away angry.
 Difficult People
 I like difficult people…I am one of them!
 When someone says, “That’s wrong” or “You
can’t do that to me” I get interested – that’s
a challenge!
 It gives me the opportunity to explain why it
is in their best interest to understand and/or
comply.
 When you shift from resisting to appreciating,
even welcoming difficult people, things
become less tense and more interesting.
 What Not To Say
 “You wouldn’t understand” – There’s no harm
in warning people what you’re about to say is
complicated – even put the onus on yourself
and say, “I hope I can explain this…”
 Just don’t prejudge their ability to
comprehend.
 If pressed into revealing something you don’t
want to, don’t lie. Be empathetic in telling
them, “I am not willing to answer that.”
 What Not To Say
 “Because those are the rules” – That
one is sure to cause heartburn!
 If you are enforcing the rules for good
reason, don’t hesitate to explain it to
them.
 Your audience might not agree, but at
least they will have been honored with
an answer.
 What Not To Say
 “It’s none of your business” – This phrase
angers people because it brands them as
outsiders and cuts them off.
 And, it looks like you don’t have a good
reason for answering their question.
 Rather than telling them it’s none of their
business, explain why the information cannot
be revealed.
 If someone barks at you, don’t be a jerk…just
explain yourself firmly and tell them why.
 What Not To Say
 “What do you want me to do about it?”
If you say this you can count on two problems: the
one you started with and the one you just created by
appearing to duck your responsibility.
 Instead, offer to sort out the problem and offer a
solution. Maybe an apology works.
 “I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else to tell you or
what to recommend, and I wish I did.”
 A concerned tone will enhance your credibility and
convey that you’re not secretly just trying to pass the
buck.
 What Not To Say
 “Calm down” – this is criticism of people’s
behavior and implies that they have no right
to be upset.
 Rather than reassuring them that things will
improve—which should be your goal—you
have created a new problem.
 Not only are they already upset at you to
begin with, but now they need to defend
their reaction to you.
 What Not To Say
 “I’m not going to say this again” – that
is almost always a lie, because you
probably are going to say it again!
 If you need to emphasize the
seriousness of your words, say, “It’s
important that you understand this, so
let me say it again. And please listen
carefully.”
 What Not To Say
 “Why don’t you be reasonable?” – instead,
allow people to be more reasonable by being
reasonable with them.
 Use language of reassurance like “Let me see
if I understand your position,’ and then
paraphrase their own words.
 This lessens tension and enables them to feel
your support.
 Now you can help them think more logically
and less destructively because you are
listening to them, not insulting them.
 Be Empathetic
 Empathy is the quality of standing in
another’s shoes and understanding where
they are coming from.
 Empathy absorbs tension. It works!
 The ultimate empathetic question is, “Let me
be sure I heard/understood what you said.”
 Now, no matter how upset they are, they will
have to hush and listen because they want to
make sure you heard what they wanted you
to hear.
 Empathy/Paraphrasing
 By paraphrasing the question back to them,
you have taken control of the conversation
because you are talking and they are
listening.
 And, it you have not heard them correctly, it
gives them an opportunity to correct you.
 You have made them a better listener
because no one listens harder than to their
own point!
 Paraphrasing is gentle. It tones down the
volume and makes a diatribe a conversation.
 LEAPS
Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase,
Summarize

 5 basic tools to generate voluntary

compliance – LEAPS.
 (1) LISTEN - When you listen you’ve got to
look/act like you’re listening. A person may
not be making sense, but the moment your
eyes glaze over or you get “lost” in the
conversation, it appears you are not
interested and conflict can occur.
 LEAPS Continued
 (2) Empathize – This doesn’t suggest you
have to agree with that person. But,
everyone is entitled to a point of view.
 Don’t agree…just try to understand where the
person is coming from.
 If people believe in you, in your service, in
your desire to help, often that in itself is
enough to generate voluntary compliance.
 “This is policy, this is procedure, these are
the grounds I have to stand on”…this
approach alone will calm most people.
 LEAPS continued
 (3) Ask – There is a process of asking questions that
can make you more skillful.
 Fact-Finding – (who, what, when, where, why, and
how). Don’t be too quick with an answer before you
can define the question.
 Ask for specific data. Don’t lead to your point of
view, be as general as you can. This makes you
appear caring, open and unbiased.
 “Is there some way we can solve this problem” is
powerful—everyone likes to voice their opinion and
they might even have something profitable to say!
 LEAPS Continued
 (4) Paraphrase – When someone comes at
you with verbal abuse, forget the tone and
emotion.
 Put the complaint into your own words and
play it back for them.
 Even if you’ve misunderstood, they will see
that you are trying and they will want to help
you get it right.
 Remember, through this you have gained
control of the conversation.
 LEAPS Continued
 (5) Summarize – By definition, this means
condensing and taking all the information and
putting it in a concise statement.
 Must have three (3) things – it must be brief,
concise, and above all, inarguable.
 You should sound as if you have reached the
end, and you are now, in your professional
capacity, executing the conclusion of the
matter.
 Doing this with the first 4 LEAP steps will
have your audience more open and receptive.
 LEAPS Summary
 We all make mistakes everyday, but
listening, empathizing, asking,
paraphrasing, and summarizing can go
a long way in making you more
effective.
 Workplace Notes
 Always maintain your professional face;
never strive to save your personal
face…it’s a lot easier to squeeze the
toothpaste out of the tube than stuff it
back in!
 Your personal face is ego on your
sleeve, your expression of irritation,
anger and bias.
 Workplace Notes
 Every verbal encounter is unique.
 You may work with the public all day and
communication may seem to you like a
stream of endless repetition.
 Remember that your audience doesn’t realize
they are asking the same question you have
already been asked a dozen times.
 That 41st caller doesn’t want to be treated
like you’ve had 40 callers earlier…make them
feel as if they were the first caller of the
day—Empathize!
 Workplace Notes
 Control encounters; don’t become a victim of
them.
 Think of yourself as a contact professional
who can control the situation.
 If you can’t control yourself, you can’t control
the situation. It starts with you.
 You have to be in control to create control.
 Workplace Notes
 Respond to people; don’t react.
 The work respond is a Latin derivative
meaning “to answer”
 When you are responding, you are in
control. You are re-answering,
responding to the event with power.
 On the other hand, if you react, the
event is controlling you.
 Workplace Notes
 Never violate the equity principle. Treat people
equally, regardless of age, race, appearance, and
most importantly, APPARENT VALUE TO YOU.
 The words that rise most readily to your lips are
usually reactive rather than responsive.
 Choose your words with an eye on the goal: What is
the thing I want to accomplish.
 Remember, the less ego you show the less you
reveal your personal face in verbal encounters…it
takes a healthy ego to be a leader…the less ego you
show the more power you have over others.
 Conclusion
 And if that doesn’t work…
THANK YOU!