OLET1115

(Im)Politeness in Global Society

Sharing meals

In this lecture, we will look at the different cultural conventions at play when
eating and sharing meals.

Let me start with a concrete example. It is a story that a Jordanian teacher told
me from the time when she first moved to Australia. In her school, there was a
communal kitchenette and eating area, and people would often take their meals there.
They were all young people and quite friendly. The other teachers would often offer to
share some of their food during lunchtime. The new teacher would politely refuse, and
they wouldn’t insist. After several weeks, the new teacher found out that her coworkers
thought she was unfriendly and even rude because she never accepted their food. She
was very surprised, because she thought she was being polite. On her part, she thought
the coworkers were a little insensitive, because they only offered the food once, and
never insisted. In her culture, it was impolite to accept food at the first offer. So she felt
that she had to wait until they offered a second time. But that second offer never came!
Luckily, in the end they were able to have a laugh at the misunderstanding, rather than
letting it become a source of strained workplace relations.
More generally, in Arabic language-speaking cultures, when you are eating
something, for example at the school cafeteria, and you run into a friend, norms of
politeness demand that you insist that he or she eat at least a bit. This may be a real
request or not, depending on the relationship. You will expect the other to accept if he
or she is a friend, or someone in a lower hierarchical position, such a junior colleague, a
student, or a little sister/brother. If the other person is a distant acquaintance or is in a
superior position, like your teacher or your boss, on the other hand, he or she should
just politely decline.

In Southern European countries like Italy or Spain, when paying for a shared
meal, splitting the bill is seen as odd. If there is a hierarchical relationship, for example
teacher-student or boss and employee, the person in a higher position will pay.
Otherwise, the polite way to handle this is to have a little dance about it, where both
parties insist that they will pay, and in the end one person will pay for both.
In Japan, on the other hand, when a teacher or superior at work shares a meal
with a student or employee, the teacher or boss will always pay. Between friends or
colleagues who are peers, the bill will be split evenly.

Norms about sharing meals go beyond just offering or paying for a meal. In
Southeast Asia, it is rude to eat in front of strangers or in public spaces. In Thailand, it is
good manners to excuse yourself if you have to eat in front of others for example if you
are eating a sandwich or a snack on the train.

 In China, when inviting someone home, it is not customary to ask him or her if
they would like something to drink. The host will simply offer everyone something,
usually tea, and put out some snacks, such as seeds and nuts or fruits. When eating at a
restaurant, the most senior person, or the person who invited the others, orders for
everyone, and when the food arrives, puts it directly in the guests’ plates or bowls,
usually urging them to eat more.

Another related issue is the seating arrangement at meals. In both Japanese and
Chinese culture it is very codified: the most senior person will sit at the head of the table,
other important people will sit next to her or him, and the others will follow in the
remaining seats. Leaving a dinner party is also quite codified. In China, in formal
situations, people must wait for the most senior person to leave before they go home
themselves. It is the senior person who has to initiate the leave-taking and is followed
by the other guests.

While one cannot master all of these codes, just being aware that they exist can
help us to avoid misunderstanding and create better personal and professional relations.