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[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

2
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� Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played �

3
00:00:08,540 --> 00:00:12,310
� songs that made
the hit parade �

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00:00:12,377 --> 00:00:16,180
� guys like us
we had it made �

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[ together ]
� those were the days �

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� and you knew
where you were then �

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[ Archie ]
� girls were girls
and men were men �

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[ Archie, Edith ]
� mister, we could use a man �

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00:00:29,962 --> 00:00:35,233
� like Herbert hoover again �

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[ Archie ]
� didn't need no welfare state �

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[ Edith ]
� everybody pulled his weight �

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[ Archie, Edith ]
� gee, our old lasalle
ran great �

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� those were the days �

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Edith !
<i>Yeah ?</i>

15
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Why are you
cookin' garments ?

16
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Gloria's boilin'
one of Mike's shirts.

17
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The dye in it
was giving him a rash.

18
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Why don't you boil him
instead ?

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Dye. Give me somethin'
to take the taste
out of my mouth.

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What'd you make here,
instant coffee ?

21
00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:03,254
No, it's fresh perked.
Well, it tastes
like instant.

22
00:02:03,322 --> 00:02:07,258
It's fresh perked, though.
Okay, it's fresh perked,
but it tastes like instant.

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I heard you.
But it's fresh perked.
24
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I accept
that it's fresh perked !

25
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But it tastes
like instant, huh ?

26
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You're a pip.
You know that ?
A real pip.

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We got nothin' for lunch
but crackers here ?
Gloria went to the market.

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You know we always
do a big shopping
every Saturday morning.

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Every Saturday.
God forbid one week
you do it on a Friday.

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You gotta watch out
for that "rigid-idness."

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It'll wharf
your whole personality.

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Hey, you.
Get away from that tv set.

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You know I watch
football highlights
every week at this time.

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I know, but channel 13
is rerunning that special
on pollution with Jack lemmon.

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When I want to learn
anything about pollution,

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I don't have to learn it
from no millionaire actor who's
got nothin' better to do...

37
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Than sit on his duff
dreamin' up causes.

38
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If he wants
to unpollute somethin',

39
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let him
unpollute the movies--
all them nudies.

40
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Archie, you're always
watching football.

41
00:03:02,948 --> 00:03:05,884
I think it's important
that we learn about
our polluted environment.

42
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You're pollutin'
my environment.

43
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Now, get away
from my set.

44
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Can't we at least sit down
like rational people
and discuss this ?

45
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Discuss. Why with you
has always everything
gotta be like a meetin' ?

46
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Because in a meeting
people sit down together
and exchange ideas.

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Okay. Okay.
Sit down, then, huh ?

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Now, let me hear
your idea again.
Okay.

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I want us to watch
Jack lemmon and a group
of famous scientists...

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Discuss pollution and ecology
on channel 13.

51
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Good. And I wanna
watch football highlights
on channel 2.

52
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Now, guess
what's gonna happen.

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You're gonna watch
football highlights
on channel 2.

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Meeting adjourned.

55
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Hey, Edith, let me have
some beer in here.

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[ Edith ]
What do you want,
bottle or can ?

57
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We never buy bottles.

58
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I'll bring you
a can.

59
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Oh, what a dingbat.

60
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All right, now, here it is.
Now, keep quiet.
<i>[ Tv: Crowd cheering ]</i>

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The giants
and the rams.

62
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There they go--
hey! Hey ! Hey !
Look at that spook run !

63
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Archie !

64
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Can they move !
It's in their blood.

65
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If you're talkin'
about a black man,
would you call him that, huh ?

66
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- And what do you mean, running
like that is in his blood ?
- Well, it is.

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It's inherited.
68
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He got that from his forefathers
when he was runnin'
through the jungle.

69
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You know ? Through thorns
and thickets, barefooted,
with a tiger on his butt.

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You know everything
about the black man, boy.

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Well, more than you.

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I used to know
a whole flock of them
in the old neighborhood.

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There was a guy,
roundtree cumberbatch,

74
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him and me
used to be close buddies.

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You never knew anybody
by that name.

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You just made it up.

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I made up a name
like roundtree cumberbatch ?
Yeah. Yeah.

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You made it up
to put down a black man.
What are you tellin' me ?
79
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That some of your coloreds
don't have funny names ?
Oh, yeah, sure they do.

80
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Like Roy Wilkins,
uh, Whitney young,
uh, James Baldwin.

81
00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:10,775
Yeah, or al jolson.

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I heard of all them guys.

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They got plenty of your
roundtree cumberbatches too.

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They named 'em
after Pullman cars
and railroad stations.

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Come on.
You don't believe me ?
It's a fact. Look it up.

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All right, Edith,
leave it there.

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Hi. I'm back.
It's about time.

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Let me help you.
Wait till you see
what I got here.

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That rash you got
from the dye, Michael ?
That decided me.
90
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From now on I wanna know
what's in everything I buy.

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So I stopped off
at the health food store
and got some natural foods.

92
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Anything for sandwiches ?
You can't get anything
more natural than baloney.

93
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What do you got here ?

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"Organic eggs" ?

95
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"Tiger's milk."
What's that ?

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"Wheat germ oil."

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"Decimated liver--"

98
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what is all this garbage ?

99
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,963
Where's my crunchy cereal
with the animal cutouts
on the box ?

100
00:06:06,465 --> 00:06:09,800
They say there's
no nutritional value
in that cereal, daddy.

101
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- What ?
- That's right.
They just did a study.
102
00:06:12,237 --> 00:06:14,172
Nutritionally,
that cereal-- zilch.

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Zilch, huh ? Have you any idea
the famous athletes and coaches
that were brung up on that ?

104
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And I mean
the all-time all-timers.

105
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Forty years I been eatin' it,
and I'm as good shape today
as the day I was born.

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- My bowels are regular--
- oh, Archie !

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<i>[ Tv announcer:</i>
<i> </i> <i> Indistinct ]</i>

108
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What's that ?
Get out of my way, will ya.
I'm missin' somethin' here.

109
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,893
I missed it.
The play of the week.

110
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Alvin haymond's 88-yard
run-back, and I missed it.
It's your fault !

111
00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:41,732
Why are you watching that
anyway ?

112
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,735
Michael, didn't you tell him
about Jack lemmon ?
Get away from that dial.

113
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All right. For now
we'll just turn down the sound.
Why ?

114
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:50,074
Because I wanna
say something.

115
00:06:50,142 --> 00:06:52,076
Oh, another meetin'.
Gee.

116
00:06:52,144 --> 00:06:55,579
Now, daddy,
this set is always tuned
to what you want to watch.

117
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Just this once,
can't you share
a little ? Huh ?

118
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:01,085
This special,
it's important
to Michael and me.

119
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Yeah, because
it's tearin' the country down.

120
00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:07,392
That's what you like--
to watch a bunch of jerks
tearin' the country down.

121
00:07:07,459 --> 00:07:11,396
Pollution is a fact of life,
and it's not just America.
It's worldwide.

122
00:07:11,463 --> 00:07:15,133
This special
with Jack lemmon--
leave me alone about that.
123
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,635
And you know what you can do
with your Jack lemmon.

124
00:07:17,702 --> 00:07:20,971
And you know what you can do
with your John Wayne.
What about John Wayne ?

125
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,973
Before you say anything,
let me warn you.

126
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,975
When you're talkin'
about the Duke,

127
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:26,977
you ain't just talkin'
about an actor.

128
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:29,947
You're talkin'
about the spirit
that made America great.

129
00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:31,949
Are you kiddin' ?

130
00:07:32,017 --> 00:07:34,252
Is he-- is he--
ma.

131
00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:35,920
Is he kidding ?

132
00:07:35,987 --> 00:07:38,923
He'd lay down his life
for the Duke.

133
00:07:40,659 --> 00:07:43,161
For me, no.
The Duke, yeah.

134
00:07:44,663 --> 00:07:47,598
Anyway, daddy,
why can't you watch
Jack lemmon with us ?

135
00:07:47,666 --> 00:07:51,669
We watched John Wayne's
tv special with you.
That was different.

136
00:07:51,736 --> 00:07:55,173
The Duke's special
was all about America,
and I mean the <i>real</i> America.

137
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,175
Oh. Oh.

138
00:07:57,242 --> 00:08:00,178
Then it must have been all
about our racial problems.

139
00:08:00,245 --> 00:08:03,181
Sing out, sweet land,
it was called,
and it was beautiful.

140
00:08:03,248 --> 00:08:06,184
The crisis in the cities.
He must've had
a hundred stars with him.

141
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:08,686
The war in Vietnam.
Sing out, sweet land.

142
00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:12,190
It was all about
what's good with America.
It was all about John Wayne.

143
00:08:12,257 --> 00:08:15,926
Well, John Wayne
is what's good with America.
Is what's good with America.

144
00:08:17,662 --> 00:08:19,597
I'll tell you something else,
wise guy.

145
00:08:19,664 --> 00:08:23,267
You can take your Jack lemmons,
your Paul newmans
and your marlo brandons,

146
00:08:23,335 --> 00:08:26,637
you put 'em all together,
they ain't fit
to hold the Duke's coat.

147
00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:30,141
Any one of those guys
has got more brains
in his little finger...

148
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:32,643
Than John Wayne's got
in his whole body.

149
00:08:32,711 --> 00:08:35,146
Nuts to you.
You don't believe me ?

150
00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:37,348
Maybe you'll believe
the Duke himself.
What ?

151
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:40,851
Excuse me, young lady.
You just happen
to be sitting here.

152
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:45,689
Would you be kind enough
to ask Mr. John Wayne
the question ?

153
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:48,692
Mr. Wayne, is it true that
any one of those guys...

154
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,695
Got more brains
in his little finger...

155
00:08:51,763 --> 00:08:54,165
Than you've got
in your whole body ?
156
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,667
[ Imitating John Wayne ]
I'm afraid so, ma'am.

157
00:08:57,736 --> 00:08:59,670
Very, very funny.

158
00:08:59,738 --> 00:09:01,672
Let me tell youse two
somethin'.

159
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:05,009
You got a very wharfed
sense of humor.

160
00:09:05,076 --> 00:09:08,579
Here. I found
an old box of crunchies.

161
00:09:09,981 --> 00:09:11,915
Well, have some.

162
00:09:11,983 --> 00:09:14,918
Show the kids how it
pulls you out of a slump.

163
00:09:16,121 --> 00:09:18,556
Gloria, I found these
with the groceries.

164
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:21,559
Oh, the air mail stamps.
They're for Michael.
Oh, good.

165
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,562
I can mail my letter today,
it'll get to Washington
by Monday.

166
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,064
Washington ?
Are you writing
to Washington ?

167
00:09:27,132 --> 00:09:29,267
That's right.
Michael wrote
the president.

168
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,536
Writin' to the president ?
About what ?

169
00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:34,038
All the things
we've been talking about--

170
00:09:34,105 --> 00:09:37,041
the pollution of our air,
the pollution of our water,

171
00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:40,545
the way us housewives
have no protection from
foods without nutrition,

172
00:09:40,612 --> 00:09:43,548
how they make products
with harmful things in 'em.

173
00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:47,685
You saw what happened
to Michael from that shirt.
[ Laughs ] He got a rash.

174
00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:51,689
Wait a minute. You're writin'
to the president about <i>that ?</i>

175
00:09:51,756 --> 00:09:54,692
You, Michael stivic, meathead,
you have the nerve...

176
00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:57,861
To write to the president
of the United States
about your rash ?

177
00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:02,466
[ Sighs ]
Maybe he knows
a good skin man.

178
00:10:04,102 --> 00:10:06,036
I didn't write
about a rash.

179
00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:09,039
It's like Gloria said.
I wrote about
a lot of things--

180
00:10:09,107 --> 00:10:11,942
pollution, race relations,
the war in Vietnam.

181
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:15,179
The war in Vietnam ?
You'd better let me
see that letter.
No, no.

182
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:18,182
This is sealed.
It's private and personal
between the president and me.

183
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,185
I demand to know
the contents of that letter.
It's between Nixon and me.

184
00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:23,187
<i>President</i> Nixon.
What's wrong
with plain "Nixon" ?

185
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:26,190
Look in the paper.
They do it all the time--
Nixon this, Nixon that.

186
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:29,193
That's their business,
but in this house
we show the proper respect.

187
00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:31,729
You don't like
"president Nixon,"
call him "Mr. Nixon."

188
00:10:31,796 --> 00:10:33,497
Or tricky dicky.

189
00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:35,666
<i>What ?</i>

190
00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:43,040
You was callin' him that
eight years ago.

191
00:10:43,108 --> 00:10:47,044
Eight years ago
he was a civilian,

192
00:10:47,112 --> 00:10:50,414
who now happens to be
commander-in-chief
of the United States.

193
00:10:50,482 --> 00:10:52,750
And he's doin'
a good job of it too.

194
00:10:52,817 --> 00:10:54,752
Let me tell you somethin',
wise guy.

195
00:10:54,819 --> 00:10:57,755
Mr. Nixon didn't
get us into Vietnam,
he inherited it,

196
00:10:57,822 --> 00:11:01,259
just like he inherited
inflation and integration
and pollution.

197
00:11:01,326 --> 00:11:04,295
Or are you gonna tell me
that Mr. Nixon
invented pollution ?

198
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:06,430
No. But what's he
doing about it ?

199
00:11:06,498 --> 00:11:08,532
[ Mocking ]
"What's he doing about it ?"
200
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,035
Daddy, there isn't
a major city
in this country...

201
00:11:12,103 --> 00:11:15,038
Where the drinking water
isn't below safe standards.

202
00:11:15,106 --> 00:11:19,310
Well, let me ask you this,
Washington, D.C. bein' one
of your major cities--

203
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:22,647
would you say
the drinking water there
is becomin' unsafe ?
Yeah.

204
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:24,682
Well, that's where
I got both of youse.

205
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:28,686
Because if the drinking water
in Washington, D.C.
is becomin' unsafe,

206
00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:32,189
do you think that Mr. Nixon
would let tricia drink it ?

207
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:37,795
You can't answer that, can you ?
[ Chuckles ]

208
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:40,298
I'll tell you somethin',
wise guy.

209
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:43,801
You see,
you don't understand
your basic simplistics.

210
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:47,805
Your biggest problems
always burn themselves down
to the human factor.

211
00:11:47,872 --> 00:11:51,309
I mean to say
the president, after all,
is only a man.

212
00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:54,512
Right, and he's
in the wrong job.

213
00:11:54,579 --> 00:11:57,515
Is that what you said to him
in that letter ?
Give me that.

214
00:11:57,582 --> 00:12:00,618
A pipsqueak like you,
you have the nerve to insult
the commander-in-chief--

215
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:03,187
that's my return address
on there.

216
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:06,357
<i>You're insultin'</i>
<i>president Nixon</i>
<i>from my return address ?</i>

217
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:08,693
You must have
a screw loose.

218
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,061
You left-wing, radical,
liberal, meatheaded polack !

219
00:12:11,129 --> 00:12:14,064
Give me the letter !
You're not gettin' this.
No, no !

220
00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:16,066
Come on, daddy !
Oh, no !
221
00:12:16,134 --> 00:12:19,069
Give me that letter !
It's my letter !
Oh, no !

222
00:12:19,137 --> 00:12:21,071
Hold it !
Hold it !

223
00:12:21,139 --> 00:12:25,209
This letter gets mailed
from this house
over my dead body.

224
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:34,652
All right, Archie,
enough's enough.
Just give me the letter.

225
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,655
You're tampering with
the United States mail, daddy.
That's a federal offense.

226
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,157
So is
excitement to riot.

227
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:42,159
The letter--

228
00:12:42,227 --> 00:12:45,162
the letter is not gonna
<i>incite</i> anyone to riot.

229
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:48,165
The letter
is between a citizen
and his government.

230
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:51,268
I've heard you say it
a hundred times, Archie--
the government works for me.

231
00:12:51,336 --> 00:12:54,772
That's right. I said,
"the government works for me."
Not you, meathead.

232
00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:58,676
The government works for
taxpayers and breadwinners...

233
00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:00,678
And people who
contribute to society.

234
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:03,681
You're such a contributor,
why don't you write a letter
to the president ?

235
00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:05,683
Because I got nothin'
to beef about.

236
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,685
I knew
you'd cop out, daddy.

237
00:13:07,753 --> 00:13:11,121
You just talk,
that's all.
I'll tell you what I'll do--

238
00:13:11,189 --> 00:13:14,124
the last time he wrote a letter
was to the phone company.

239
00:13:14,192 --> 00:13:16,627
Edith, stifle yourself.
The language he used.

240
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,629
Edith, I said
stifle yourself.

241
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:21,632
And then he wouldn't
sign the letter.
I wouldn't have neither.

242
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,134
Edith, I told you
to stifle yourself !
243
00:13:24,202 --> 00:13:26,136
You gonna write
to the president ?

244
00:13:26,204 --> 00:13:28,138
Yes, I am !
Good.

245
00:13:28,206 --> 00:13:31,141
Then you can
mail your letter
and let me mail mine.

246
00:13:31,209 --> 00:13:35,145
Oh, no, no. You don't
get this letter to mail
till I'm ready to mail mine.

247
00:13:35,213 --> 00:13:39,817
- Mail 'em together.
- No, mine has to go into
the mailbox before yours.

248
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:43,220
That way,
the president reads mine first,
he'll be able to stomach yours.

249
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:47,858
Edith, uh,
get me our embossed
personal stationery.

250
00:13:47,926 --> 00:13:51,194
You know, with the initials
intertwined on the top.

251
00:13:51,262 --> 00:13:54,432
Archie, we don't have
no writing paper
like that.

252
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,934
Edith,
our personal stationery.

253
00:13:57,001 --> 00:14:00,237
It was a gift from
that no-neck cousin of yours
works for w.T. Grant.

254
00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:02,239
You know,
a wedding present.

255
00:14:02,307 --> 00:14:04,708
Oh, Archie,

256
00:14:04,776 --> 00:14:08,045
for heaven's sake,
that was 22 years ago.

257
00:14:08,112 --> 00:14:11,381
What difference does it make
how long ago it was, huh ?

258
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:14,618
You save everything else.
You certainly must have
saved that.

259
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:19,323
Edith, I can't write to the
President of the United States
unless I'm gonna do it right.

260
00:14:35,740 --> 00:14:38,175
What are you
sharpening a pencil for ?

261
00:14:38,242 --> 00:14:40,177
First draft.

262
00:14:40,244 --> 00:14:42,680
Well, we got
ballpoint pens.

263
00:14:42,747 --> 00:14:46,116
Ballpoint pens ? I can't
write to the president
with ballpoint pens.

264
00:14:46,184 --> 00:14:49,119
I need real ink.
Whatever happened
to my waterman ?

265
00:14:49,187 --> 00:14:51,121
Your waterman ?

266
00:14:51,189 --> 00:14:54,257
Fifteen bucks.
Guaranteed to last me
a lifetime.

267
00:14:54,325 --> 00:14:58,729
It must be lastin'
somebody else's lifetime.
We got ballpoint pens.

268
00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,731
Look at this stationery.
"Hercules plumbing" ?

269
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:04,334
That's the company
I used to work for
before we was married.

270
00:15:05,403 --> 00:15:07,337
And you saved this, huh ?

271
00:15:07,405 --> 00:15:10,340
And our embossed stationery
with the initials
intertwined at the top,

272
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:12,142
there it is, gone.

273
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:15,145
Maybe it'll get
to the president faster...

274
00:15:15,213 --> 00:15:17,915
If they think you own
a plumbing company.

275
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,917
You're a dingbat.

276
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,687
Let me get started.
You go over there and finish
pastin' your tradin' stamps.

277
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:27,691
That's a good idea.
I got almost enough
to fill another book.

278
00:15:27,759 --> 00:15:31,161
If we get three
and a half books,
I can buy that bathroom scale.

279
00:15:31,229 --> 00:15:33,864
Edith, please.

280
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:35,866
I hope the kids are out.

281
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:39,202
Don't worry.
They went for a long walk.

282
00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:41,539
Nobody's here
to bother you.

283
00:15:43,474 --> 00:15:45,910
<i>You'll have</i>
<i>absolute silence.</i>

284
00:15:49,213 --> 00:15:51,649
Perfect quiet.

285
00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:54,384
<i>Nobody goin'</i>
<i>back and forth.</i>

286
00:15:54,452 --> 00:15:56,386
<i>Nobody talk-talk--</i>

287
00:16:02,226 --> 00:16:04,962
dear Mr. president,

288
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,464
your honor,
289
00:16:07,532 --> 00:16:09,466
sir--

290
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,870
dear Mr. president,

291
00:16:19,177 --> 00:16:21,111
your honor,

292
00:16:21,179 --> 00:16:23,146
[ bang ]

293
00:16:24,515 --> 00:16:26,450
Sir--
<i>[ Two bangs ]</i>

294
00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:29,787
Will you stop
lickin' and bangin'
over there ?

295
00:16:29,854 --> 00:16:33,356
<i>[ Bang ]</i>
<i>Oh, you're breakin' up</i>
<i>my whole concentration !</i>

296
00:16:33,424 --> 00:16:36,393
Oh, I'm sorry.
What have you
got down so far ?

297
00:16:38,262 --> 00:16:41,098
"Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir."

298
00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:43,533
Yeah, go on.

299
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:48,171
How much more
do you expect me to do with you
lickin' and bangin' over there ?

300
00:16:48,239 --> 00:16:51,541
Here, I got a good idea.
You come over here.
Come here.

301
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,443
Yeah, come on over.

302
00:16:53,511 --> 00:16:55,445
Now, you sit down there...

303
00:16:55,513 --> 00:16:57,447
And you write
what I dictate.

304
00:16:57,515 --> 00:16:59,449
Oh, Archie,
oh, I don't know.

305
00:16:59,517 --> 00:17:01,451
I'm too nervous.
It's to the president.

306
00:17:01,519 --> 00:17:03,453
What are you
nervous about ?

307
00:17:03,521 --> 00:17:05,956
I'm gonna do
the whole thing.
Go ahead.

308
00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:08,458
You just write
what I tell ya.

309
00:17:08,526 --> 00:17:10,961
What do you got
there ?
Nothin'.

310
00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:13,964
What do you mean ?
I wrote a whole
introduction.

311
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,235
"Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir."

312
00:17:18,302 --> 00:17:20,237
Oh, that--
that's lousy.

313
00:17:20,304 --> 00:17:23,007
What ?
What you read.

314
00:17:23,074 --> 00:17:27,377
That's what you wrote.
I know, but you read it
so rotten !

315
00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:29,379
I think
it was the words.

316
00:17:29,447 --> 00:17:31,882
Read them same words
over again.

317
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:34,885
Read 'em with
a little feeling, huh ?
Go ahead.

318
00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:40,991
[ With feeling ]
"Dear Mr. president,

319
00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:43,193
your honor, sir."

320
00:17:43,261 --> 00:17:45,395
Yes !
Beautiful words.

321
00:17:45,463 --> 00:17:49,499
I only hope Mr. Nixon
reads 'em that way.

322
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,501
Oh, Edith, please,
will ya !

323
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:54,504
It's tough enough writin'
a letter to the top man
in the whole free world,

324
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:57,507
so just stifle your comments
and write what I tell ya.

325
00:17:57,575 --> 00:18:01,111
Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir,

326
00:18:01,179 --> 00:18:04,782
uh, as one of your
faithful constitutionals,

327
00:18:04,849 --> 00:18:06,784
I--

328
00:18:06,851 --> 00:18:10,287
no, no, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that's wrong.

329
00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:13,256
Uh, read it back to me
again.

330
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:18,495
[ With feeling ]
"Dear Mr. president--"

331
00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:20,998
jump over that
and read the new stuff !

332
00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:25,268
"As one of your
faithful constitutionals--"

333
00:18:25,336 --> 00:18:27,270
wrong !
What ?

334
00:18:27,338 --> 00:18:30,607
The word is wrong !
Why did you write it down ?
<i>[ Doorbell rings ]</i>

335
00:18:30,675 --> 00:18:32,609
There's somebody
at the door.

336
00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:34,611
Go on, answer the bell.
Let me in there.

337
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:38,115
And no matter who it is,
we ain't home, huh ?

338
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:54,464
How am I gonna tell 'em
we ain't home if I'm
standin' there talkin' to 'em ?

339
00:19:00,004 --> 00:19:01,939
Try.

340
00:19:05,176 --> 00:19:08,112
Good afternoon.
Oh, good afternoon,
sister.

341
00:19:08,179 --> 00:19:10,313
We're collecting money...

342
00:19:10,381 --> 00:19:13,383
For the St. januarius
underprivileged
children's hospital.

343
00:19:13,451 --> 00:19:16,386
Oh, I think my husband
gave at the office.

344
00:19:16,454 --> 00:19:19,890
Uh, we don't solicit aid
in commercial institutions.

345
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:21,892
Just neighborhoods,
families.

346
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,894
Oh, I see.

347
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:27,697
Archie, the sister
is collecting for the
underprivileged children.

348
00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:30,400
I gave at the office.

349
00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:34,571
It must've been
a different nun.
You do look alike.

350
00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:42,312
Edith, come over here.
I need some help.
I'm searching for a word.

351
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:44,915
He's searching
for a word.

352
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:46,917
Maybe the sister
could help you !

353
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:50,420
Ahh-- yeah.
Maybe she could at that.

354
00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:53,957
Uh, uh, come on in, sister.
Step right in.

355
00:19:54,025 --> 00:19:56,960
Get out of the way,
Edith.

356
00:19:57,028 --> 00:20:01,098
Hi, sister.
I bet you was wonderin'
what I was doing at the table.

357
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:04,601
No, actually I was--
well, in case you was
wonderin' what I was doin'--

358
00:20:04,669 --> 00:20:06,904
I wasn't.
Now, if you'll--

359
00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:10,240
would you let me tell you
what I was doin' over there
at the table ?

360
00:20:11,776 --> 00:20:15,212
I was writin' a letter
to the president
of the United States...

361
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,216
To fill him in on how
the people of this neighborhood
are thinkin' and feelin'.

362
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:23,220
Yes, well, I'm sure
you know the feelings...

363
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,722
Of this particular
constituency.

364
00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:28,158
That's the word.
Thank you, sister.

365
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:30,160
I gotta get back to work.

366
00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:33,163
Edith, give the sister
a generous contribution.

367
00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:36,166
Edith, just a minute.
Before you do,
come over here.

368
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,668
Nothin' more
than half a buck.

369
00:20:38,736 --> 00:20:42,172
No matter what they tell ya,
most of what you give 'em,

370
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,208
they buy golden candlesticks
with it.

371
00:20:55,619 --> 00:20:57,554
Edith.

372
00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:02,025
Edith, this is gonna be good.
You know that ?

373
00:21:03,527 --> 00:21:05,462
Yeah.

374
00:21:05,529 --> 00:21:08,465
I think Mr. Nixon
is gonna love this.

375
00:21:17,108 --> 00:21:20,543
[ Man ] Ladies and gentlemen,
from the east room
of the white house,

376
00:21:20,611 --> 00:21:22,545
the president
of the United States.

377
00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:26,049
[ Applause ]
� [ Piano: Processional ]

378
00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:34,557
[ Tv: President Nixon ]
My fellow Americans,

379
00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:38,395
tonight I want to read you
a letter I've just received
from a private citizen.

380
00:21:38,462 --> 00:21:42,099
<i>It starts, of course,</i>
<i>with a highly proper...</i>

381
00:21:42,166 --> 00:21:45,769
<i>"Dear Mr. president,</i>
<i> </i> <i>your honor, sir."</i>

382
00:21:47,138 --> 00:21:50,374
<i>Now let me make one thing</i>
<i>perfectly clear.</i>

383
00:21:50,441 --> 00:21:52,876
<i>I</i> love
<i>that beginning.</i>

384
00:21:54,245 --> 00:21:56,413
<i>This citizen writes,</i>
<i>and I quote:</i>

385
00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:01,885
"I personally don't agree
with all the 'confregration'
on the college campuses...

386
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:03,887
"Or them ecology nuts...

387
00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:08,125
"Who only see disaster
in this great country of ours.

388
00:22:08,192 --> 00:22:11,461
"But like Duke Wayne would say,

389
00:22:11,529 --> 00:22:15,132
"we came up off the mat before
when the goin' was tough,

390
00:22:15,199 --> 00:22:18,135
<i>"and I know so long</i>
<i> </i> <i>as we all work together,</i>

391
00:22:18,202 --> 00:22:20,137
<i>"this nation under God...</i>

392
00:22:20,204 --> 00:22:22,139
<i>"Shall not diminish</i>
<i> </i> <i>from the earth.</i>

393
00:22:23,374 --> 00:22:26,476
"Anyway, my regards
to your vice, Mr. agnew.

394
00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:31,448
"And special regards...

395
00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:34,784
"To Mrs. Nixon and tricia,

396
00:22:34,852 --> 00:22:38,021
"who I know you wouldn't
let drink no water...

397
00:22:38,089 --> 00:22:40,190
Exceptin' the best."

398
00:22:40,258 --> 00:22:44,894
This terrific letter
was written by
Mr. Archie bunker,

399
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:47,064
and in your president's
opinion,

400
00:22:47,131 --> 00:22:49,066
Archie bunker is...

401
00:22:49,133 --> 00:22:53,036
One... great... American.

402
00:22:53,104 --> 00:22:56,039
[ Tv: Applause ]

403
00:23:04,248 --> 00:23:06,183
<i>[ Door opens ]</i>
<i>You finish your letter</i>
<i>yet, daddy ?</i>

404
00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:09,186
You had enough time
to write the whole congress.

405
00:23:09,253 --> 00:23:11,188
You keep your pants on,
hotshot.
406
00:23:11,255 --> 00:23:14,691
This just might be
the best letter that was
ever wrote to a president.

407
00:23:14,758 --> 00:23:17,694
Good.
Let's go mail 'em.
Oh, no, you don't.

408
00:23:17,761 --> 00:23:20,697
If anybody mails these,
it's gonna be me.
Why don't we both go ?

409
00:23:20,764 --> 00:23:23,700
It's only a block.
We'll all go.

410
00:23:23,767 --> 00:23:25,702
Yeah, I figured
we would.

411
00:23:25,769 --> 00:23:27,704
Just imagine.

412
00:23:27,771 --> 00:23:30,707
Two letters to the president
from one house.

413
00:23:30,774 --> 00:23:33,910
That don't happen every day.
We'd better get going.
Let's go.

414
00:23:33,978 --> 00:23:36,980
Now, wait a minute.
Hold your horses, everybody.

415
00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:38,982
[ Chuckles ]

416
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,485
Oh, Archie, you go first.
Here.

417
00:23:41,552 --> 00:23:44,488
Come on.
The last pickup is 4:30.
We'll be late.

418
00:24:03,474 --> 00:24:05,909
That was so thrilling.

419
00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:11,681
Imagine, two letters
to the president...

420
00:24:11,749 --> 00:24:13,683
From the same house.

421
00:24:13,751 --> 00:24:17,087
Every American ought to
write to his president.

422
00:24:17,155 --> 00:24:19,589
Yeah. It feels good
being a citizen.

423
00:24:19,657 --> 00:24:22,125
It's wonderful
to be involved.

424
00:24:24,395 --> 00:24:26,329
Archie.
Mmm ?

425
00:24:26,397 --> 00:24:28,331
Did you jiggle ?
What ?

426
00:24:28,399 --> 00:24:30,833
The mailbox.
You put the letters in.

427
00:24:30,901 --> 00:24:32,835
Afterwards,
did you jiggle ?

428
00:24:32,903 --> 00:24:35,338
Certainly I jiggled--

429
00:24:35,406 --> 00:24:37,607
wait a minute.
430
00:24:37,675 --> 00:24:40,843
I-- no, uh--

431
00:24:40,911 --> 00:24:42,845
did either of youse two
jiggle ?

432
00:24:42,913 --> 00:24:45,348
I didn't jiggle.
I thought you jiggled,
daddy.

433
00:24:45,416 --> 00:24:49,152
Well, I always did
all my life,
but I don't know.

434
00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:52,655
Edith, what do you think
we oughta do ?

435
00:24:52,723 --> 00:24:55,225
I think
we'd better go jiggle.

436
00:24:55,293 --> 00:24:58,228
Why didn't you jiggle,
meathead ?
You put the letters in the box !

437
00:24:58,296 --> 00:25:02,732
Can't I rely on you
to do nothin' right ?
The man that mails, jiggles !

438
00:25:17,248 --> 00:25:20,783
[ Archie ]
� boy, the way
Glenn Miller played �

439
00:25:20,851 --> 00:25:24,921
[ Edith ]
� songs that made
the hit parade �

440
00:25:24,989 --> 00:25:28,325
[ Archie ]
� guys like us
we had it made �

441
00:25:28,392 --> 00:25:33,163
[ Archie, Edith ]
� those were the days �

442
00:25:33,231 --> 00:25:37,501
[ announcer ]
All in the family <i>was recorded</i>
<i>on tape before a live audience.</i>

9999
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