Contents

citypaper August 2, 2006

INSIDE August 2 - August 16, 2006 Volume 1, Issue 24

COVER STORY 701 Gervais Street

5 Our Dirt on City Hall
Suite 150-218
Columbia, SC 29201
Corey Hutchins investigates the bizarre story of a months-old 803.446.3458
stain in the council chambers of City Hall. Publisher
Paul F. Blake
paul@columbiacitypaper.com

NEWS, POLITICS & COMMENTARY Managing Editor

Todd Morehead
todd@columbiacitypaper.com
4 Talk Back The benefits of doing business locally
5 8 The Death of Decency: Be careful, or your myspace profile News Editor
Corey Hutchins
could urn a place on MyDeathSpace.com corey@columbiacitypaper.com

9 Ted Rall Acting like Nazis Senior Writer

Chris McCarter
10 The Good Fight Windmills and yams: Energy sources?
8 11 State House Report Gov. Dolittle doesn’t understand applied
mccarter@columbiacitypaper.com

Iraq Correspondent
economics David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
12 Mister Meaner’s Crime Watch
Crack cocaine in the Attorney General’s neighborhood Movies
Deric Kempsell
13 Bum of The Week Booze, murder and one horny hobo
Angry Whale
16 Krafty coverage of John Kerry Sean Rayford
21 Media Malarkey Breaking News: new fonts at Free Times theangrywhale@columbiacitypaper.com

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

General Sales Manager
Paul F. Blake
paul@columbiacitypaper.com
803-446-3458
3 Letters to the Reader
13 14 Soundboard Music Calendar Account Executive
Jacky Schuler
15 The Angry Whale The (Charlotte) Warped Tour
City Paper Bartender
16 Christmas in July at The Whig Holy Hipster Holiday Nicholas Johnson
17 Grub & Pub Where to Chow! Contributors Alice Addertounge, Polly Baker,
18 Soul on Tap We may never print another poem again but Andy Brack, Max Cannon, Joe Fotalatte, Hick’ry
Hawkins, Matt Jones, Deric Kempsell, David
this one is about beer. Martin, Aaron McGruder, Ted Rall, Sean Rayford,
Sarah Maddocks, Dan Savage, Jacky Schuler,
19 Deric Spoils The Movie The Lady in the Water Cathy Warner, Julie Winters

Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume

19 Movie Times responsibility for the entire content of their ad-
vertisements. The first copy of Columbia City
20 Jonesin’ Crosswords Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each.
Views expressed do not necessarily represent
20 Gov. Sanford’s Horoscopes the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its pub-
lisher. (C)2006 Columbia City Paper, LLC.
21 su|do|ku
News Tips: news@columbiacitypaper.com
22 New York Times Crossword Advertising: 803-446-3458
22 Savage Love
NOW HIRING ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
23 Really Free Classifieds 20% COMMISSION
24 Mac’s on Main Jazz & Blues Calendar 803-446-3458

Submissions welcome (query first):

Comics Alternative cartoons including Perry Bible Fellowship (p.3) todd@columbiacitypaper.com
The Boondocks (p.6), Red Meat (p.8) and Ted Rall (p.9)
FREE CLASSIFIEDS
Cover By Sean Rayford WWW.COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
15
Letters
Letters to the Reader
Dear Cockroaches of Columbia,
I don’t care if it’s politically correct
to call you a “Palmetto bug.” You’re
a f#!king cockroach. Even though I
know you’ve been amassing a million-
roach colony under this city since the
goddamn Hoover administration, I’m still
going to take you out one by one with
my rolled up copy of Big Booty Bitches
or by taping lit Black Cats to your little
brown armored backs. There’s nothing
worse that seeing your wirey tentacles
pointing up at me from my shower drain
or listening to the sound of you and a
dozen of your disease infested buddies
as I grind you to bits in the garbage
disposal. It’s time you went back to
Myrtle Beach where you sick bastards
belong.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Frank Johnson,
Please contact the Columbia City
Paper immediately. Not the Frank
Johnson from Cherokee Drive in West
Columbia, but the Frank Johnson who
is obsessed with Kris Kristofferson and
the Gamecocks. Repeat: We are paging
Frank Johnson.
Columbia City Paper
Dear SCE&G,
Shame, shame! We heard you’re
causing trouble again! This time you’re
suing the City of Columbia Board of
Zoning Appeals because they blocked
you from building a power station in a
Perry Bible Fellowship
letters@columbiacitypaper.com
residential area near Gills Creek Pkwy.
As of press time, we haven’t heard from
Mike, the press guy at Zoning Appeals,
but we still plan to keep an eye on you.
And, if you keep adversely affecting
homeowner’s property values, we may
have to put you in time-out.
Columbia City Paper
Dear August Kreis III, Host of The
Aryan Nations World Conference Bar-
B-Q Picnic in Lexington,
Speaking of lowering property
values, we understand that you’ve
been catching a lot of flak from your
neighbors for hosting Nazi cookouts
in your yard. Some have even posted
hateful signs near your property. It sucks
to be a persecuted minority, huh? We
also read on your website that you don’t
feel you’re getting a fair shake from
local “jewspapers.” We can’t speak for
Warner Montgomery or Eric Hancock’s
religious beliefs, but the CCP editorial
board only consists of three drunks and
a fallen Catholic. ...But, yeah, we still
think you’re nuts.
Columbia City Paper
Dear lady in the checkout line at Wal-
Mart,
You are totally on meth right now, we
can so tell. Look at the way your teeth
are all rotted out and your arms look like
two chicken bones with the skin peeling
off. Look how your eyes are so sunken
in that you look like a casting reject for
Alien Autopsy and how your hair keeps
falling off in clumps, getting stuck in
the checkout conveyor belt. And that
pile of lithium batteries, trucker speed,
motor oil and cough syrup in front of
you isn’t helping anything, believe me.
Columbia City Paper
Dear annoying used car dealer
commercials,
Who doesn’t get stuck watching
you for 20 minutes before we realize
they aren’t going to end? And those
freakin’ dumb characters you have…
the Discount Dog and the Markdown
Maniac, are you kidding me? You could
do so much better. For any car dealers
out there who DON’T have a classic car-
selling character yet, here’s a couple we
thought up just for you: The No Money
Down Clown, the Discount Douchebag,
The Crappy Credit Crackhead or Freddy-
F#!ks-a-lot, the Finance Freebaser.
THOSE should hit your target audience,
especially in the Red Bank/Pelion
market.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Finlay Park,
Holy hobo holiday! At least we don’t
have to bring our own bases for a game
of softball anymore. “The guy under the
red blanket is first, the woman shooting
up and shaking in the fetal position in
second and that dude passed out with
the King Cobra spilled on his chest is
third. Automatic homerun if you belt one
citypaper August 2, 2006 
out passed the couple knotted up in a
sleeping bag on the swinging bench.”
Columbia City Paper
Dear John Kerry,
How did that water taste at your
fundraiser in West Columbia? We
apologize two-fold. One for the fact
that S.C. doesn’t do the required quality
water testing required in these parts and
secondly for serving you tap water from
a used Styrofoam cup. (CCP writers
weren’t really scheduled to be working
in the kitchen and we didn’t know where
the bottled water was.) Now that CCP
is one year old, maybe we’ll start getting
press passes to these kind of things.
But for now enjoy the coverage of your
event, Hutchins mesquite style. (p. 16)
Columbia City Paper
HAMSTER
THEATRE
IS COMING
by Nick Gurewitch
 Talk Back citypaper August 2, 2006
Talk Back: CONDUCT Business Locally!
Doing Business Locally
By Jeff Milchen
In the smallest towns, bustling cities,
and everything in between, more citizens
lament losing a sense of community and
local character. Meanwhile, national
chains continue displacing locally owned
businesses countrywide.
This trend is considered symptom-
atic of our loss of community orientation,
but could it also be a primary cause?
And what are the economic costs to our
communities as absentee-owned chains
displace locally owned businesses?
Of course, we usually choose to do
business where we perceive the best
value for our time and money. But in an
age where we’re bombarded with thou-
sands of corporate advertisements daily,
perceptions may differ widely from real-
ity. It’s as easy to accept themes pro-
moted in those corporate ads as it is to
‘Each dollar spent at a local independent
merchant, three or more times as much
typically goes back into the local economy’
overlook the values independent busi-
nesses provide us, both personally and
in our communities.
The disappearance of local busi-
nesses leaves a social and economic
void that is palpable and real -- even
when it goes unmeasured, and a com-
munity’s quality of life changes in ways
that macroeconomics is slow to mea-
sure (or ignores completely).
Local officials often fall for the se-
ductions and political appeal of national
chains and may even use public funds or
tax rebates to lure them. They’re baited
with promises of jobs and tax revenue,
but they often fail to consider the greater
losses that occur when the local busi-
ness base is undermined.
A chain “superstore” may crow of
creating 300 new jobs, but numerous
studies indicate they displace as many
jobs as they create. And when one com-
munity studied the local impact of chains,
they concluded such development actu-
ally costs more taxpayer dollars to sup-
port in safety and services than the com-
munity would reap.
In other words, when new big box
retailers come to town, expect to pay
more taxes soon.
But what about all the new sales tax
revenue the big box chains claim they’ll
bring? That, too, is largely illusory. Un-
less an area is growing rapidly, retail
spending (especially for mass-produced
items found at the chains) is a relatively
fixed pie.
For example, the most thorough
study of Wal-Mart’s impact on existing
retailers by Dr. Kenneth Stone of Iowa
State University found that 84 percent of
Wal-Mart’s sales simply shifted dollars
away from existing local (including some
chains) retailers.
Economic Value of
Independent Businesses
It’s time to consider the real costs
to a community that loses its locally
owned business base. Independent lo-
cal businesses employ an array of sup-
porting services. They hire architects,
designers, cabinet shops, sign makers
and contractors for construction. Local
accountants, insurance brokers, com-
puter consultants, attorneys and adver-
tising agencies help run it. Local retail-
ers and distributors also carry a higher
percentage of locally produced goods
than chains, meaning more jobs for local
producers.
In contrast, a new chain store typi-
cally a clone of other units eliminates
the need for local planning and uses
a minimum of local goods and servic-
es. A company-owned store’s profits
promptly are exported to corporate
headquarters.
Dollars spent at community-based
merchants create a multiplier effect in
the local economy, meaning that from
each dollar spent at a local indepen-
dent merchant, three or more times as
much typically goes back into the local
economy compared to a dollar spent at
chain-owned businesses.
For example, a 2003 economic
impact study by Civic Economics con-
cluded for every $100 spent at a chain,
$13 remained in the community while
$45 remained when spent with home-
town businesses.
Ensuring Choice and Diversity
Retailers sift through competing
goods and services to find those ap-
pealing to their customers. Though a
single local shop may carry a smaller
selection than a big chain, a multiplic-
ity of independent retailers creates great
diversity. When thousands of indepen-
dent book and music shops serve their
local tastes and each owner’s prefer-
ences, the result is demand for a wide
variety of ideas and music. This makes
controversial books or music from new
artists with the accessible, expectation
that a market exists somewhere within a
variety of stores.
As fewer giant corporations domi-
nate production and sales, our options—
determined by a powerful few— dwin-
dle. Our freedom of choice is imperiled
when a few buyers from national chains
choose what reaches customers— per-
haps moderately disturbing for most
goods, but truly frightening when you
consider the impact on our choice of
news sources, books, music and other
expression modes.
Maintaining Community Character
When asked to name
our favorite restaurant,
cafe, or shop, it’s typically a
unique local business. Just
look at your local paper’s
“Best of” poll as proof (ex-
cept maybe in Columbia).
Those businesses define our sense
of place but we often forget their sur-
vival depends on our patronage. Lo-
cal owners, typically having invested
much of their life savings in their busi-
nesses, have a natural interest in the
community’s long-term health. Com-
munity-based businesses are essential
to charitable endeavors; their owners
frequently serve on local boards and
support numerous causes.
Yes, some chains give back to
towns in which they locate, and not all
local businesses are exemplary mod-
els. However, the overall impacts are
clear: locally-owned businesses play a
key role in our community that chains
rarely do, while chains often even un-
dermine community interests.
In spite of the dismal trends, a
counterforce is building. In the past
five years, more than two dozen com-
munities have launched Independent
Business Alliances— coalitions of lo-
cal businesses, non-profits and con-
cerned citizens uniting to support local
entrepreneurs to prevent chains from
displacing local businesses. Working
in multiple realms, including group pur-
chasing, joint marketing, public educa-
tion and political advocacy, these IBAs
have succeeded in a wide range of
communities nationwide.
IBA success bodes well for a
growing localization movement that
can help reverse the trend of corporate
dominance, but for long-term progress,
a conceptual change is also necessary.
We must consciously plan that fu-
ture with rules encouraging the values
we want reflected in our communities.
And each time we spend a dollar, we
would do well to weigh the full value of
our choices, not solely to ourselves im-
mediately, but for the future we want for
our hometowns.
Jeff Milchen is the co-founder of the
American Independent Business Alliance
(AMIBA.net). AMIBA is a non-profit orga-
nization that assists the launch and suc-
cessful operation of local Independent
Business Alliances around the country.
COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
Buys locks & chains for
our racks from Hiller
Hardware (to prevent
theft from chain owned
competitors)
Holds weekly “meetings”
at Delaney’s
Gets morning coffee
from Adriana’s
Conducts our banking at
Carolina First on Blos-
som
We bought our inoper-
able cell phones from
SunCom in Five Points
We decorated our Five
Points office with paint-
ings from The Artists
Basement
Are you overpaying and
sending your advertising
dollars out of state?
Call City Paper for af-
fordable local adver-
tising 803-446-3458
News
City Hall: Stained forever?
By Corey Hutchins
A months-old stain remains on the
first row seat in the council chambers
at City Hall. City Paper reporter Corey
Hutchins investigates the cause of it.
By any means it should have been a
typical public meeting held July 19 in the
City Hall council chambers attended on
sheer accident by a City Paper reporter.
That night, members of the
community stood up against USC and
Department of Health and Environmental
Control officials concerning a new
energy plant being built off South Main
Street.
Like many public meetings in many
city halls, there was the aggressive
attendee going bonkers and the dazed
and fumbling spokesman.
And just like many meetings at
many city halls, irate residents lobbed
questions like hand grenades at public
officials who shuffled papers and
nervously looked at each other for help.
It was there, that night, like so many
nights, a small battle was won and lost
over the turf of our community, where
those in power took the shots and fired
back. Sometimes they’d take a hit hard
“The assumption the spill would dry
unoticed was wrong”- Temple Ligon
and falter, sometimes they would dodge
a bullet or put up smokescreens and
sometimes they would shrug, roll over
and play dead. “No comment.”
In the end it was not a question
about air pollution or the quality of life
in the City of Columbia that turned out
making for the most sensational copy.
In the end, it was a simple stain
noticed on one of the council chamber
seats that would eventually lead to a
full-blown, weeks-long investigation by
this publication.
What follows is a bizarre story
involving a situation that may stain
the hallowed council chambers on the
public record forever. These are actual
events that occurred between the
months of April and July in the year
2006 in the building at 1737 Main Street
we call City Hall.
At a little after 8 p.m., the evening
citypaper August 2, 2006 
complained about everything from
the city’s water and sewer problem to
the construction on Main and Harden
streets, at-large Councilman Daniel
Rickenmann told City Paper the stain
occurred when Columbia Star business
editor, John Temple Ligon, spilled a
cup of coffee.
When asked the date of the
alleged spill, Rickenmann replied via a
Blackberry wireless handheld device at
3:40 p.m., “It has been Awhile…” (sic).
Less than an hour later, Ligon
confirmed the allegation.
“Quite honestly, I believe it was
a cup of coffee,” he said over the
telephone. “I reached over and the
damn thing spilled across the seat.”
Ligon also said it had been a “few
months” since the accident happened,
though he couldn’t remember the exact
date and said he apologized about it to
the city council.
In an archived Columbia Star city
of Tuesday, July 19, USC journalism stain almost perfectly resembles the council meeting report obtained by City
student Christopher Aleman walked profile of a stoic Easter Islander’s face Paper dated April 19, Ligon himself
through the muggy summer heat up a with a ponytail, or the head an ancient recounted spilling a drink the week
Main Street sidewalk, accompanying a Spartan. before.
City Paper reporter on his way to City After the meeting, when asked to “The assumption the spill would dry
Hall. comment on what
After a public meeting involving she thought may
USC, DHEC and neighborhood groups have caused the
had ended, Aleman, 20, would later point particular stain,
DHEC’s air bureau
chief, Myra Reese,
did not appear in the
mood to answer.
District
Councilwoman
Three
Anne M. Sinclair
was also present
out a mysterious stain on the council at the meeting but
chamber’s first row pew adjacent to was unavailable for
where he was sitting. comment.
“I just wonder how that got there,” It would take
he said, testing it for wetness and eyeing several days until
it thoroughly. “Dry as a bone, but it looks the curious stain
like an old piss stain to me.” casually pointed
The stain, which still appears on the out by the young
seat in question, is approximately 17 journalism student
inches in length and 10 inches in width would be positively
at its widest points. It is often the seat identified.
where local reporters, politicians and After written
city officials do business. requests made
While the rest of the seat cushion’s to Columbia City
fabric is solid blue, the stain has Council members
deepened the color of the affected and city officials,
area. the source of the
If looked at one way, the stain can stain was finally
resemble a naked man’s lower torso, confirmed.
bent forward, with a penis partially Following a July
encased in a condom dangling over the 26 council meeting
edge. If looked at the opposite way, the where residents
6 News
unnoticed was wrong,” Ligon wrote. He
also wrote that he presented a $100
check to the city’s interim chief financial
officer in order to pay for upholstery
shampoo.
In a private e-mail, Ligon wrote,
“there was nothing specific on the
A copy of Ligon’s check for the cleanup of the stain at City Hall. As of late July, the stain has not yet been cleaned.
memo line,” regarding where the money
to the city was supposed to go.
A copy of the PamettoCitizens
Federal Credit Union check Ligon wrote
out to the City of Columbia, however,
shows the memo line reading it was for
“Cushion Clean-up.”
Ligon also said the gesture of the
$100 was for the city to hold the check
until a final tab on the clean up could
be confirmed. He said he expected it
to actually be more than $100 and said
he doubted the city has even cashed
the check.
A portion of Ligon’s e-mail exactly:
(In regards to the city dispersing his
check to get the stain cleaned)
“…to fully handle the cost as
a separate and identified item, the
city shouldn’t go through their own
labor and equipment available. That’s
too cumbersome and too difficult to
account for all the overhead. It could get
embarrassing. Maybe they’re waiting
for me to do it, but I never heard any
more on it.”
Ligon further went on to say he
would probably call Stanley Steamer
talking, I’m here.”
Robinett confirmed that he
remembered getting the $100 check
from Ligon in early April.
And where did that money go?
“It went into the general fund,” he
said.
Rolan said any money going
into the general fund is budgeted for
distribution each year. She said the
city would wait until the bill came for
the upholstery cleaning and the money
would be taken out of the fund in order
to pay for it.
“So y’all are [going to] do a…story
on the city as to why we haven’t used
the hundred dollars yet to clean it?”
she asked during a meeting between
citypaper August 2, 2006
$100 check from Temple Ligon, Rolan
said a source in City Hall had told her
that the ball had already begun rolling
to get the stain cleaned up.
“I [talked] to someone about what
was going on with this stain, because
I didn’t know anything about this and
have learned that we’re in the process of
cleaning it and possibly reupholstering
the cushions,” she said. “That is their
recommendation because of the type of
the stain. It’s not like we’re not following
through with this… we are.”
Rolan also said her City Hall source
told her information has already been
formally provided and submitted to
getting the stain cleaned up.
City Hall’s night custodian, who
only identified himself as “David,” said
he was a private contractor and not
responsible for the cleanup of rugs,
carpets or upholstery in the building
and did not seem to be aware of the
stain.
“You’d have to speak to public
service about that,” he said. “They
have a crew that comes to do the
shampooing, for carpets and stuff.”
Officials at the City of Columbia
Employment Office were unavailable
for comment by press time.
Though it still remains unconfirmed
how long it will take before the stain
is cleaned in the council chambers,
how much it will cost, and if Ligon
will be getting a refund from the city,
Councilwoman Tameika Issac Devine
said she believed plans were in the
works to get the stain on the pew
cleaned.

WAKE UP and oversee the clean up himself. He

also said he would pay the outside
contractor personally.
WITH “The city can then return or tear up
the earlier check,” he said.
City Paper, herself and G.C. Robinett
held on the fourth floor of Washington
“… And if that doesn’t work then it
will be replaced,” she said.
Square, July 28.
While Robinett said he was there
only because he was curious as to why
For updated reports on the stain at City
Hall, check www.columbiacitypaper.com

COLUMBIA Recently hired City of Columbia

Chief Financial Officer
this publication requested a copy of the

Lisa Rolan, who has

“That is their recommendation because of the
CITY PAPER only been in Columbia
seven weeks, said the type of the stain. It’s not like we’re not following
interim CFO at the time
of the spill, the person through with this… we are.”
subscriptions who would have
originally handled
@columbiacitypaper.com Ligon’s check,
would have been
a man named
The Boondocks By Aaron McGruder

G.C. Robinett.
During a July
28 telephone
call between
City Paper and
Rolan, Robinett
could be heard in
the background.
When asked to
confirm it was
Robinett’s voice,
he said “keep
 citypaper August 2, 2006 
 News citypaper August 2, 2006

The Dead Beat: MyDeathSpace.com covers deceased MySpacers

By Todd Morehead

Briana K. Thompson died July 22, 2006 and
is the 391 death featured on mydeathspace
MyDeathSpace.com was inevitable.
With nearly 1 million users registered
at mega site MySpace.com, and with
approximately 50 thousand people
dying in car accidents annually (to name
just one mode of death), any amateur
mathematician can deduce that
those statistics are bound to overlap
eventually. And that’s not to mention
the suicides, drug
overdoses, giant
squid attacks...“...as a human I am uphauled [sic] by this
you get the point.
So, what happens website!” -a forum post at mydeathspace.com
to the orphaned
MySpace page once the poster heads
to the big Internet cafe in the sky?
Sometimes it will find an eternal-- if
often controversial-- new home at
MyDeathSpace.com.
Shying away from graphic content
or ghoulish photos, the site features a
handy directory that lists the recently
departed chronologically, with stats
(date/cause of death) included in a
convenient one-line view. Often relevant
newspaper clippings are posted. The
creepiest feature is the link to the dead
person’s MySpace page, which usually
features posthumous messages from
friends and family, not to mention the
disquieting “last logged in” time, usually
only a matter hours before the time of
death.
Without a doubt, the site raises
ethical questions.
Mike Patterson, who co-founded
the site with web designer, Joel Thoms,
maintains that the site’s purpose is to
simply “document all of the MySpace.
com related deaths from around the
world.”
“I kept reading about teen deaths in
the local news,” he told City Paper via
email, “so I started searching their names
on MySpace. Many times I’d come
across a profile of the deceased.”
Now, a majority of the posts are
submitted by friends of the dead
MySpacer. But, it’s more than simply a
site for friends and family. What draws
thousands of viewers-- many of them
rabid fans of the site-- to continue to
visit? “Jenni,” a regular contributor to
the sites message boards, described her
attraction to the site in a recent post:
“I think it was about 2 weeks ago a
friend posted this site on a bulletin and
now it consumes a fair amount of my
free time. My friends are really agitated
with my newfound guilty pleasure. I keep
telling them to be careful, or I worry more
about every day things. I never really
thought about death much until now. I
can’t get enough of the interesting ways
people grieve... Welcome to the best
thing since chocolate. I look forward to
seeing you post here more often. We all
share this very morbid obsession!”
It does, admittedly, draw you in. Like
#328, the guy who died while having
his wisdom teeth removed, or #223,
the young woman who was attacked
by an alligator, or #238, who bit it while
car surfing on the roof of an SUV, a la
“Styles” in Teen Wolf. And, definitely
worthy of mention: #75, the former
Miss Deaf Texas, who was hit by a train
while walking down the tracks and text
messaging a friend on her cell phone.
Needless to the say, the hate
mail forum stays well stocked with posts
full of the wonderful -isms you can only
find on a public message board, like: “...
as a human I am uphauled [sic] by this
website!” There are the usual threats of
bodily harm to the webmasters and the
occasional posts by friends and family
of the deceased, who are truly offended
by the site. In those cases, Patterson
makes sure to remove the profile in a
timely and respectful manner.
“MyDeathSpace is not for
everyone,” he concedes. “If you’re easily
offended, don’t visit.
If a few anonymous
comments left
by immature
individuals cause
you to send me
death threats
via email, seek
help. We report
exactly what is
Miss Deaf Texas became Miss Death Space
#75 when she got hit by a train from behind
while text messaging on a cell phone
said in the news. We don’t make up the
information. There are far worse sites
out there than MyDeathSpace.com.
People sending hate mail to me would
be better off emailing sites containing
child pornography, racism, and other
socially unacceptable material.”
When asked to comment on
accusations that the site profits from the
misfortunes of others, Patterson replied
that what he does is no different from
news sources that report on the same
topic.
“Only two people run
MyDeathSpace,” he said. “The
advertising helps run the site. Anything
extra goes toward myself and the
other person helping with the site.
MyDeathSpace takes a lot of time and
I consider it a second job. Websites
don’t run themselves, so if someone
wants to accuse me of profiting from
the misfortunes of others, I have to
ask them how they think News related
websites make their money.”
Some may consider the site an
online hangout for goth chicks and
Insane Clown Posse-types and some
may consider it a tasteful memorial
site for friends. But love it or loath it,
Patterson claims that the site is here to
stay.
“I have over 2000 emails in my
‘submission’ inbox and with nearly 100
million MySpace users, I suspect there will
be plenty more deaths to post on MDS.”
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

“I have over 2000 emails

in my ‘submission’ inbox
and with nearly 100 million
MySpace users, I suspect
there will be plenty more
deaths to post on MDS.”
 Ted Rall Column & Cartoon citypaper August 2, 2006 9

EDITORIAL By Pulitzer Prize finalist Ted Rall

ACTING LIKE NAZIS Collective Punishment Isn’t Self-Defense

SAN DIEGO—As Neither the United States nor Israel

commander of a Nazi is equivalent to Nazi Germany, yet
einsatzgruppen death both countries have adopted a Nazi-like
squad in occupied obsession with collective punishment.
Poland, Dr. Werner Israeli Defense Forces, which subject
Best believed the most centers of Palestinian resistance in the
effective response to occupied West Bank to curfews and
terrorism was collective encirclement by barbed-wire fences, taught
punishment. After the fall of their techniques to U.S. occupation
France he went on to draft troops in Iraq. After Islamist suicide
the Third Reich’s pilots killed 3,000 Americans in the
counterterrorism policy for September 11 attacks, the U.S. government
countries occupied by Germany. justified the killing of 200,000 Afghans and
Towns where acts of “passive” Iraqis as an act of “self-defense.”
resistance such as the cutting of telegraph George W. Bush exceeded Hitler’s 50-to-1
cables had taken place were placed under ratio.
curfews, fined and slapped with travel Now Israel is “reacting” to the
restrictions. “Active” resistance—the killing capture of two of its soldiers by the
of a German soldier—would be met by Palestinian resistance organization Hezbollah
reprisal killings of local civilians. by invading and bombing Lebanon. Death
Dr. Best was trying to protect German tolls that fall disproportionately heavily
troops. Rather than be cowed however, upon Palestinians have long been a
leaders of European resistance groups hallmark of the Israeli-Palestinian

Ready For Work

saw Best’s ruthless policy as their conflict. During the 2000-03 intifada, for
chance to radicalize moderates who were example, at least seven Palestinians
still on the fence about their German were killed by Israelis for every
occupatiers. The insurgents stepped up Israeli killed by a Palestinian. Now, as of this
assassinations of German troops. The writing, more than 500 Lebanese civilians have
killings prompted the Germans to shoot more been killed by Israeli bombs. On the Israeli
side, 15 civilians
Neither the United States nor have died
Hezbollah rocket
in

Israel is equivalent to Nazi attacks and 14

soldiers have been
killed in combat.
Germany, yet both countries have Current ratio:
30-to-1.
adopted a Nazi-like obsession “Israel
a right to defend
has

with collective punishment.

itself,” Bush said
at the start of the
c u r r e n t
local businessmen and political leaders. Middle East crisis. No doubt. But the
The cycle of violence was spiraling out of Israelis aren’t defending themselves
control.
Eventually Hitler himself got into
any more than the Bush Administrative
is defending us. Each is using a
MEDS offers accurate drug testing on site to
the act. Convinced that collective crime—the kidnapping of two soldiers, the make sure your employees are ready to work. In
punishment was failing because it wasn’t 9/11 terrorist attacks—as an excuse to
severe enough, the führer issued a September wage war against innocent people who addition to drug testing MEDS offers the follow-
1941 order to use “the
measures” against civilians in areas where
harshest had nothing to do with it. Meanwhile, the
criminals, the “kidnappers proportionate” ing services for employers:
the Resistance was active. Arguing that
“only the [collective] death penalty can
force against Lebanon, its ambassador
to the United Nations told a cheering mob
SLED Background Checks
be a real means of deterrence,” in New York: “You’re damned right we D.O.T. Physicals
Hitler ordered 50 civilians executed are!” Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) chimed
for each German soldier killed. in: “Since when should a response to Drug Testing Kits
Some in the German high command
argued that punishing innocent civilians in
aggression and murder be proportionate?”
Congressman Nadler ought to
Vaccines
large numbers would alienate the catch up on his reading. Article 33 of the Physicals
local population and lose the battle for Fourth Geneva Convention, which has
hearts and minds. Although they were eventually been signed and ratified by both Israel and
proven correct, they were overruled. the United States and was drafted in
New reprisals, each worse than response to the kinds of Nazi atrocities
the last, strengthened the resolve of the described at the beginning of this
resistance and gained them new recruits. column, specifically prohibits collective
By the end of the war, reprisals had punishment. As a treaty obligation, it is U.S.
assumed grotesquely lopsided ratios of law. It is Israeli law.
murdered locals to dead Germans. Entire Nothing prevents a nation from
villages—Lidice in the Czech defending itself or going after those who
Republic  (340 killed), Oradour-sur-Glane in commit heinous crimes—which include
France (642), Kortelisy in Ukraine (2,892)—were kidnapping—against its citizens.
wiped out. Understanding the difference between self-
Even right-wingers who’d supported defense and collective punishment is what
the Nazis were appalled. Support for the separates Israel and the United States— Westside Medical Center Spring Valley Family Practice
Germans and their puppet regimes on paper, anyway—from the Nazis.
declined with each new campaign of
“counterterrorism.” Public opinion wasn’t
(Ted Rall is the editor of “Attitude
3: The New Subversive Online
803-939-8422 803-462-3784
decisive; no nation occupied by the Nazis Cartoonists,” a new anthology of webcartoons.) 3020 Sunset Boulevard 9354 Two Notch Road
during World War II could solely credit
its resistance for its liberation. Still, talkback@columbiacitypaper.com West Columbia, S.C. 29169 Columbia S.C. 29223
collective punishment was an unequivocal
tactical failure. Resistance groups
and their sympathizers hastened the defeat of
Nazi Germany.
10 citypaper August 2, 2006
Windmills and Yams: Energy Sources
THE GOOD FIGHT
The Lowcountry has more brains than oil
We’re hearing a lot these days about
drilling for oil and natural gas off the S.C.
coast. Even as I write this, it sounds
incredible – like hearing that we sold Fort
Sumter to the Kulaks.
We may yet see oil derricks off the
Grand Strand or Charleston Harbor, and if
we do, we will have Henry Brown to thank.
The first district congressman – with the
aid of oil and gas lobbyists – has been
quietly shepherding this boondoggle
through Congress. This would be a tragedy
on many levels, not least of which is the
simple fact that it is so unnecessary.
There are solutions to America’s
energy crisis that do not require raping
the coast of South Carolina. The first, of
course, is conservation – an idea that has
never been tried. The second is alternative,
homegrown energy. According to the
Apollo Alliance for energy independence
(apolloalliance.org), a crash program for
sustainable energy independence would
create three million jobs, free the nation
from imported oil and promote a healthier
environment for the entire planet.
That’s old news in some quarters
here in the Lowcountry, where two major
alternative energy initiatives are gearing
up.
Dr. Dennis C. Dinge is a Dorchester
County native and associate professor
of physics at Coastal Carolina University.
His field is computer simulation, but his
passion is wind energy. Right now Dinge
is working with a broad consortium of
agencies and institutions – including
Georgia Tech, N.C. State, Coastal Carolina
and the S.C. Institute for Energy Studies at
Clemson University – on a program to build
offshore wind turbines, aka windmills.
“The coast of Georgia and South
Carolina has advantages,” Dinge said.
“There is a shallow coastal shelf and
that makes it relatively easier and less
expensive to build turbines here.”
The advantage of putting wind
turbines offshore is that there is more wind
out there, Dinge said. And the higher the
turbine the better, because that’s where
the stronger winds are. In the next few
years we may see wind turbines 300 feet
high, clustered in “wind farms” 15 to 20
miles off our coast. They are already at
work in Denmark, Germany and England.
Dinge sees no reason why they couldn’t
be working to reduce our dependence
foreign oil and fossil fuels.
There are still several technological,
legal and regulatory hurdles to be
overcome. Toward that end a symposium
will be held in Charleston next spring,
LIVE MUSIC
August 3 J’ouvert Steel Band
August 5 Exit 2 Nowhere
August 10 North of Here
August 11 Rawr and Rian Adkinson
August 12 Westbridge
August 17 Nate Miller
STRUDEL NOW HAS FREE WIFI
By Will Moredock, founder of the late Point newsweekly
bringing together various governmental,
academic and entrepreneurial interests
who have a stake in offshore wind energy.
Wind energy will hardly fill our current
need for oil and gas, Dinge said, but it is
a safe and reliable source of power that
we cannot ignore. When a hurricane or
a ship hits a wind turbine, there is no
environmental disaster. And with General
Electric in Greenville building wind turbines
for offshore use, all the investment would
stay right here in the USA.
Over at the U.S. Department of
Agriculture Vegetable Laboratory on the
Savannah Highway, Dr. Janice Bohac is
working on a plan to turn sweet potatoes
into fuel for your car. That’s right – sweet
potatoes.
Bohac is a research geneticist who
thinks this common storage root and
Southern staple could be the answer to
many of our energy problems. The starch
and sugar of the common yam can be
easily rendered into ethanol and used as
an additive or replacement for gasoline.
But unlike fossil fuel, it recycles existing
carbon dioxide in the atmosphere; it
does not release carbon dioxide that has
been trapped under ground for millions of
years.
The sweet potato is the seventh largest
food crop in the world and it is extremely
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resistant to insects, meaning that it can be
grown without the expense or the risk of
heavy insecticide use. Most importantly,
the sweet potato thrives in hot climates,
making it an ideal crop for cultivation in
the Southeast. The biofuel industry has
been a boon to the Widwestern corn
farmer; now it’s the Southern sweet potato
farmer’s turn.
Like Dinge, Bohac thinks the federal
policy is the main thing holding back the
development of alternative fuels. Congress
subsidizes the oil and gas industries with
billions of dollars a year. If a small part of
those billions were channeled into R&D for
alternative energy we would be on our way
toward solving America’s energy crisis.
But the corporations that run the
Congress and the White House don’t to
talk about alternative energy. That’s why
they insist we start looking for oil and gas
off the Southeastern coast.
Henry Brown and the oil industry
represent the past. They are old thinking
and old technology. They are enslaving our
country to foreign interests and destroying
our biosphere. But it doesn’t have to be
this way.
“We have some of the best brains and
entrepreneurs in the world,” Bohac said.
“We can solve this problem.”
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Statehouse Report
SC STATEHOUSE REPORT
Sanford’s waiting game makes him a real politician
Boy, isn’t it great that Gov. Mark
Sanford is so concerned about the
state’s high jobless rate that he’s going
to wait until after the November elections
to ask for a study?
Yep, that’s what we’ve come to
expect from this fellow who has the
word “leadership” carved on his bumper
stickers. We expect this kind of swift,
decisive action.
Sanford’s words this week that he
saw a “disconnect” between how the
state can have good job growth numbers
and tax collections but continuing
high unemployment show just how
disconnected he is from the reality lived
by most South Carolinians.
Most people don’t own plantations.
Most people don’t have beach houses
worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Most people live paycheck to paycheck.
But not Sanford and his buddies. So
it really should come as no real surprise
that this Governor Dolittle doesn’t
understand applied economics.
“There isn’t necessarily a connection
between the unemployment rate and
how the economy is doing,” said
recently retired Clemson economist
Most people live paycheck to
paycheck. But not Sanford and
his buddies. So it really should
come as no real surprise that
this Governor Dolittle doesn’t
understand applied economics.
Bruce Yandle.
The state’s unemployment rate is
6.7 percent - - second highest in the
country. While some areas of the state
- - particularly the more urban areas and
coast - - are experiencing growth, plant
closings of traditional manufacturing
jobs continue to hammer the state’s
jobless rate. Just go to Graniteville or
parts of the Pee Dee. All you have to do
is drive a county away from an Interstate
highway and you’ll see how tough it is
for people in large parts of the state.
“I don’t think our state economy
is booming,” said Yandle, a former
member of the state Board of Economic
Advisers. Instead, he said it’s a mixed
bag because the state is undergoing
a fundamental transformation from a
goods and manufacturing economy to a
knowledge and service economy.
“We’ve got prosperity [in some
areas] and we need to celebrate and
open the door wider for other areas,”
he said. “South Carolina is a small but
citypaper August 2, 2006 11
By Andy Brack
complex economy with some parts of
the state that are not doing well and have
not done well for a long time. Half of the
counties are lifting the performance of
the troubled counties.”
In fact, new figures from the U.S.
Bureau of Labor Statistics show average
pay dropped in more than half of the
state’s counties last year after inflation.
The average South Carolinian earned
$32,916 in 2005, slightly less than 2004
after adjusting for inflation. Furthermore,
South Carolina slipped to 12th lowest
nationally - - down from 14th lowest in
2002 and 2004 – in average pay.
Another reason unemployment here
could be staying high is more people
appear to be re-entering the work force
looking for work. But because they’re
not yet getting work, the rate remains
high. Again, that’s part of the economic
transformation the state is continuing to
undergo.
Meanwhile, state tax collections can
go up as unemployment remains high.
They’re likely up because of the growing
income inequality in the state and
nation. While many don’t want to admit
it, study after study shows the rich are, in
fact, getting
richer and
the poor are
struggling
more every
day. With
more wealth
at the top,
more taxes
are being
paid on
capital gains
and other
investment
income.
So yes, things are going well for some
people in the state. But for millions of
others, Sanford’s suggestion to wait until
after the November elections to seek a
study because to do that now would
seem political seems … well, political.
In politics, perception is everything.
Sanford now seems like he doesn’t want
to talk about the very things that are
impacting people’s lives because he’s
concerned about his political hide, even
though he’s got millions of campaign
cash in the bank compared to relatively
paltry amounts by challenger Tommy
Moore.
By not addressing what is worrisome
to so many people might just be the start
of Sanford’s undoing - - because acting
more like a politician is just what people
don’t want in the head of state.
Andy Brack, publisher of S.C.
Statehouse Report, can be reached at
brack@statehousereport.com.
12 Zip Code Crime Watch citypaper August 2, 2006

Mr. Meaner’s

CRIME
WAT C H
The people involved in these
events are innocent until proven
guilty. The accounts come
directly from police reports.
This is not a court of law.

29201
A 71-year-old woman told police someone
ganked her fanny pack out of her hotel
room. She also said she’d been attending
“numerous meetings” recently. No word yet
on what kinds of meetings those were, but
she still did lose $150 from the old fanny
pack, 1200 block Hampton Street

29201
Cops responding to a call about a loud
party opened the door to find a man with “a
blunt that was rolled with a green leafylike
(sic) substance” in his possession. He was
slapped with a simple possession charge
and now we can all sleep safe and sound
knowing that one gram of marijuana was
taken off the streets, 3200 block Lucious
Road
29201
Officers said they found a knife valued at
$25 on a park bench this week at Elmwood
Roylynch Park (sic). Apparently the knife
was lying next to a man who the police
figured was just a little too sketchy for just a
walk in the park. He was taken to jail, 2100
block Lincoln Street
29201
Also, cops responding to a fight in progress
found a knife in the pocket of one of the
boozed-up brawlers. That got him sent
to the slammer for unlawful carrying of a
weapon and public drunk, 150 block Brook
Pines Drive
29201
Some jerk left his dog locked in a black
2006 Ford F-350 in the parking lot of Lowes
this week. The small miniature pinscher was
found in the vehicle with all the windows
rolled up. In Columbia. In July. The dog was
whining and barking and the police got a
hold of the guy and read him the riot act.
How about next time they take the bastard
and run him through that new wood-chip
burning plant that USC is going to use to
heat the dorms? 300 block Harbison Blvd.
29201
ZIP OF THE WEEK:
SIDELINED! A 36-year-old Irmo man was allegedly car jacked this week by a white woman in
her 20s. The dude let the floozy get in the passenger seat of his Jetta after she said someone
was chasing her. The hold-up hooker had the guy drive her to some sketchy road off Two Notch
and then pulled a handgun on his ass.
Some sleeping stew bums were busted for
snoozing in Finlay Park under the pavilion,
which is a violation of park ordinances.
They were field booked and asked to leave.
Who knows, one of them may even end up
in this week’s Bum of the Week, 900 block
Taylor Street
29201
A couple more hobos were found sacked
out in the park at two in the morning and
asked to take their vagrancy somewhere
else. How about Five Points? 900 block
Taylor Street
29201
The Wendys on Assembly Street lost $576
after some clown jacked the moneybag.
This better not affect the dollar menu
prices, that’s all we care about, 800 block
Assembly Street
29201
This week police arrested another Columbia
hobo for carrying a knife and a joint while
2200 block Brabham Street
loitering around the Wachovia parking lot.
We want this guy for page 20, 1500 block
park Street
29201
Cops found a passed out, drunk 22-year-
old dude sleeping on a bench near the USC
campus. The Five-O woke him up and then
brought him down…downtown that is, 2000
block Greene Street
29201
Police thought the homeless guy they saw
walking around in circles in the Attorney
General’s neighborhood was a little
suspicious so they shook him down. When
they asked him if he had any illegal drugs
on him, the wino told them “I have some
marijuana.” He was then arrested and
taken to jail, coincidentally within walking
distance of state’s chief law enforcement
officer’s own house, 2000 block Senate
Street
29201
29063
Bum Busters: The Columbia police
cracked down on local ubiquitous hobo
extraordinaire, “Eddie,” this week after they
found him asleep on a bus stop bench.
Unfortunately, this is very bad for our
newest feature column, 2100 block Devine
Street
29203
Two jerk-offs robbed a store and one of the
victims took off running after them when
they left. One of the bozos turned around
and shot at the dude but missed. They got
away with $340 and were probably bumped
up to “fluffer” status in their local gang
chapter, 3500 block West Beltline Blvd.
29203
A man told police he believes his neighbor
cut a hole in his fence in order to steal his
all terrain vehicle (ATV). At least the man
probably has a good idea what the getaway
vehicle looks like, 5000 block Aloron Street
29203
Officers dispatched to a burglary call said
Zip Code Crime Watch citypaper August 2, 2006 13

Bum Of The Week

employee of Publix when he tried to stop
him from stealing $300 in goods from the
supermarket. The man was not caught, by Corey Hutchins
2800 block Rosewood Drive

29205
A man was slapped with a criminal domestic
violence charge earlier this week after he
slapped the shit out of his girlfriend like any
drunken, wife beating, trailer park hillbilly
would do, 1900 block Oceola Street

29205
Cops found a 43-year-old woman in
possession of CRACK COCAINE in the
Attorney General’s neighborhood after
they responded to a fight in progress. The
woman pulled the crickety ckrackety from
her pocket while she was being questioned
about smashing a picture frame over a
dude, 2100 block Senate Street

29205
Cops busted a 20-year-old white guy after
they found blunt guts in the ashtray of his
car. They found less than a gram of pot
scattered within some tobacco shavings so
he was field booked and let on his way, 100
block Wildlife Parkway

29205
A kid who looked “visibly young” to police
officers was issued a citation for possession
of beer under 21 and given just one more
fancy college story to tell at parties. If you
want more college stories, (including some
written by City Paper writers) check out
the book Class Dismissed: 75 Outrageous
College Stories, which came out last this
week, 500 block Wildlife Parkway

they found a man standing in his front yard
holding a can of Budweiser and yelling at his
father. The boozer said he was going to take
his father’s life and yelled that he would kill
him. When the cops talked to the pops, the
old man said his son was recently checked
into a mental hospital. And…welcome to
Columbia, 5800 block Colonial Drive
29203
A 47-year-old man was arrested for
drunkenness near the USC campus when
the police found him being “very offensive
to the general public,” and reeking of liquor.
Just wait until college is in session, folks,
1500 block Barnwell Street
29204
A 34-year-old Columbia man was standing
on his front porch this week when two
scumbags pointed a handgun at him and
forced him back into his house. They then
robbed the poor schmuck of $200 (all in
coins) and took off running, 2700 block
School House Road
29204
Responding officers noticed a “very small
red mark on [the] chest” of a woman
who claimed a man punched her without
provocation. The redneck then choked her
out and ran off like a chump, 2600 block
Forest Drive
29205
Publix Disturbance: A guy shoved an
29206
Three bitch-ass punks busted into a
McDonalds with guns and robbed the place
of an unknown amount of money. No word
yet on how many times these three stooges
masturbated to Boyz In The Hood together
before they did it, 5500 block Forest Drive
29206
A man called the police this week after he
found something burning on his front porch.
Oh, the old dog poo in a paper bag gag,
5500 block Cabot Ave.
29209
Some little punk ran behind the counter of
E. B. Games and stole a box of video games
while the employee was in the back of the
store. Police should be on the lookout for
a kid with no fingerprints on his thumbs in
a couple weeks, 7500 block Garners Ferry
Road
29212
A dude went ape shit at SEARS when he
was told he couldn’t return some products
without a receipt. Police said he man made
threats towards employees and made
them “fear for [their] safety,” 100 block
Columbiana Circle
29212
Police also said someone gave a fake $100
bill to an employee of Sonic and then drove
off in a Lexus after the employee refused
to take the funny money. If you’re driving a
Lexus, do you really need to running around
with Monopoly money? Seriously, 300 block
Harbison Blvd.
JimmY’S STATS
Age: late 50 s shut that shit or you gonna get everybody locked
Name: Jimmy
Where Loitering:
Maxcy Gregg Park
Time & Date: 9:45 p.m., July 31
QuotE: “Nobody fucks with me.”
Drug of choice: BOOZE
*These are real people and real events, now on
the public record.
“I need some goddam pussy over here!”
That’s what the old white guy with the dirty-
gray Santa-Clause-looking beard and mesh truck-
er’s cap pulled low over his face said after City
Paper woke him up from a sacked-out slumber on
a swinging park bench in Maxcy Gregg Park the
night of July 31.
As thunderclouds rolled overhead and heat
lighting lit up his weathered face, the man call-
ing himself “Jimmy” sat upright and opened his
bleary blue eyes wide.
“I’m drunk, OK,” he said, picking up a bat-
tered blue and white backpack and rummaging
around through it. “Booze,” he said.
Jimmy said he did not smoke crack or do
any other drugs.
“I just do booze,” he said, his speech slurred
and sometimes incomprehensible as he pawed
through his bag. “I’m trying to find some right
now.”
Unfortunately for Jimmy, City Paper caught
him on a Sunday and could not help him out.
Nor could he be entertained with the other
request he shouted out repeatedly throughout the
interview.
“Need some pussy over here!” he yelled to-
ward Blossom Street as cars passed, his head
rolling back against the back support of the
bench. “Goddam it! Need some pussy right over
hee-yuh!”
A man on another bench nearby warned him
about screaming such things, saying the previous
night Jimmy had been yelling that same refrain
throughout the Five Points area while people were
still out walking around.
“Shit, y’all should’ve seen him yesterday... he
wouldn’t shut the fuck up,” he said. “You better
up.”
Portions of Harden Street, Devine Street and
Santee Street were hopeless for the homeless
that evening.
So were the darkened areas between the
Shell station and Food Lion.
When asked if Jimmy was drunk, his friend
said, “you could call it that,” before shaking his
head and walking away.
“Hey Jimmy,” he said over his shoulder be-
fore departing. “Come on before it start to fuckin’
goddam rain like a bitch out here.”
Martin Luther King, Jr. Park was also vacant
of vagrants, as was the Five Points area. In the al-
leyway between Wachovia and the Salty Nut Café,
there were also no hobos to be found.
A Columbia Police Dept. patrol car positioned
on Laurel Street created slim pickings for any train
track transients near Durkins and Mr. Friendys.
As the thunder grew louder and others around
him got up to find shelter, Jimmy stayed put.
“I don’t think it’s gonna rain. I’m [going to]
stay right here,” he said. “Goddam, shit. Goddam
it, yeah. Fuck the goddam rain.”
And then:
“I need some pussy over here right now!”
When asked where he was going to get it,
and what he was going to do with it if he did, he
replied, “We can go down to Five Points right now
and get it, OK. Need some pussy over here! Need
some pussy over here!”
Jimmy said he was from Columbia and had
been through a lot throughout the years. He said
he had seen quite a bit of the “good” and the
“bad” since he’s been on the streets.
“I’ve been through a lot of things,” he said.
“I’ve seen [people] killing other [people].
Right over here,” he said, pointing to the woods
beyond the park, though he didn’t seem too wor-
ried about it.
“Nobody fucks with me,” he said.
Listen to the interview with Jimmy
at www.columbiacitypaper.com
14 Soundboard citypaper August 2, 2006

Thursday, August 3 New Brookland Tavern The Never

Jammin Java Monday, August 7 122 State St., West Cola. Jammin Java (3:00pm Radio
Café Strudel 1530 Main St., Cola. The Voodoo Glow 1530 Main St., Cola. Interview - WUSC 90.5)
118 State St, West Cola $10 6PM doors rock New Brookland Tavern Skulls $10 8PM singer/ Brother Sister
J’ouvert Steel Band Simon Dawes + The 122 State St., West Cola Big D & The Kids Table songwriter Brave Horatious
Films The Films Suburban Legends Christopher Williams +
New Brookland Tavern Westbound Train Jann Klose Jammin Java
122 State St., West Cola. Macs On Main Simon Dawes Maladroit Mafia 1530 Main St., Cola.
The Reverie 1710 Main Street, Cola. MikeNPike Friday, August 11 $12 adv $15 doors
Parklife NaturalDesireBand Guitar Show Headliners 7PM rock Michael
Extra Blue Kind 8:00pm 700 Gervais St., Cola. Macs On Main Lille (from SGGL) CD
Hello Tomorrow Jammin Java Blue October 1710 Main Street, Cola. Release show + Eddie
The Safe & Sound Sunday, August 6 1530 Main St., Cola w/ Social Burn The Shane Pruitt Band Hartness from Eddie
$10 8PM comedy/ from Ohio
Art Bar 9:00pm
1211 Park St., Cola. New Brookland Tavern Monday, August 14
Sunshone Still with 122 State St., West Cola. New Brookland Tavern
Campo Bravo $2 cover EVILUTION W/ 122 State St., West Cola.
Spider Lilies Lovedrug
Jammin Java DJ Spider Firefly Summer
1530 Main St., Cola. Campbell
$10 8PM pop/rock Headliners
Eric Hutchinson + 700 Gervais St., Cola. Tuesday, August 15
Mutlu Joal Rush
Autonomous New Brookland Tavern
Friday, August 4 Spencer Rush 122 State St., West Cola.
Ruba Say & The Cosmic
New Brookland Tavern Jammin Java Ray
122 State St., West Cola. 1530 Main St., Cola. The Bamboons
Fair Street $12 8PM pop/rock Mason Dixon Disaster
Beauty Is Betral Shane Hines and the Normal Bias
Xemir Trance + The Alternate
Early Grace Routes Jammin Java
The White Light 1530 Main St., Cola.
Complex Saturday, August 12 $10 8pmindie/acoustic
Gregory and The Hawk
Macs On Main New Brookland Tavern + Toby Goodshank +
1710 Main Street, Cola.
Testing Ground at New Brookland Tavern 122 State St., West Cola. The Hysterics
Chef Fatback & the Thursday, August 16 at the City Paper Party Ben Walker Radio
Groove Band Burns Out Bright Wednesday, August 16
Mixing the brash elements of punk and hardcore with the showmanship and eclec- Manchester Orchestra
Jammin Java ticism that is known throughout rock and roll, rise Testing Ground. As the name Eric Skelton Headliners
1530 Main St., Cola. implies this band embraces the entire palette that is rock. With well-written songs, 700 Gervais St., Cola.
$10 7:30pmrock comprised of catchy hook laden choruses and strong lyrical verses Testing Ground Art Bar The Walkmen
33 West + One Third proves, they do not fear melody. 1211 Park St., Cola. w/ The Specs
Dork + Human Room SuperBike with The
+ North Avenue New Brookland Tavern singer/songwriter Jammin Java Ivy League and Cooter New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola. Dean Fields (Full Band!) 1530 Main St., Cola. Scooters 122 State St., West Cola.
Saturday, August 5 Foxes That Fight + Jonathan Coulton. $8 adv / $10 doors Joel Mercado-See
Stuck Lucky 8PM rock Café Strudel
New Brookland Tavern TheCarry On’s Tuesday, August 8 Husky Rescue + The 118 State St, West Cola Thursday, August 17
122 State St., West Cola. Fishboy Elanors + The Miles Westbridge
Diavolo Letters To Scarlet New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern
Emotron 122 State St., West Cola. Thursday, August 10 Jammin Java 122 State St., West Cola.
INsidious Demise Art Bar The Cypress Knees 1530 Main St., Cola. The Columbia City Paper
The Last Van Zant 1211 Park St., Cola. Falling Off A Building New Brookland Tavern $12 7PM rock 1 Year Anniversary Party
PITCH BLACK DJ Vitae Marian Carter 122 State St., West Cola. Don Peris (from The
Art Bar and guests spinning Mad Happy Innocence Mission) + Testing Ground
1211 Park St., Cola. industrial, goth, ebm, Jammin Java Juicebox Denison Witmer The Fancy Lads
Almost Jason with 80s, etc! Dress dark to 1530 Main St., Cola. Yukos The Crude $15 9:30PM Celtic rock Dignan
Mean Wiener and The dance and drink. 7:30PM $8 rock Hello Radio Tempest + Patrick’s Who’s Todd
Drownout Rome in a Day + Head
Jammin Java Freddy Inferno + Idle Art Bar Art Bar
Café Strudel 1530 Main St., Cola. Ride + Ska Face 1211 Park St., Cola. Sunday, August 13 1211 Park St., Cola.
118 State St, West Cola August 6 $10 4PM LIVE MUSIC SINGER Aposable Scum
(803) 794-6634 improv comedy Wednesday, August 9 SONGRWRITER NIGHT New Brookland Tavern
Exit 2 Nowhere The Next Best Thing hosted by Bentz Kirby 122 State St., West Cola.
15 The Angry Whale citypaper August 2, 2006

warped tour STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD

2006
the formAt
Dog Problems
July 11, 2006
Nettwerk

If writing pop songs was like running a brothel The

Format would open the world’s best whore house of all
time. Amsterdam would have nothing on this band.
Simple instantaneous gratification at it’s best. It’s the stuff
you’re not necessarily proud to like but you keep coming
back for more. You’d run your credit card over and over
and it would show up on your statement as The Library
or maybe something else ambiguous like Harry’s Hat
Shack.
With songs like “Time Bomb” “She Doesn't Get It” “Pick
Me Up” “Oceans” and “Inches and Falling” Dog
Problems will give you more hard-ons than your biggest
most lustful crush from high school. Remember that girl
whose jeans magically curved around every inch of her
waste? She was in your history class and she didn’t like
you.
The Format was close to doing what they’ve done with
Dog Problems with their last release, Interventions and
Lullabies except this time it’s jam packed with special
goodness like a peanut butter jar hallowed out with a big
stash of ganja in the middle. Take Jimmy Eat World, mix
it with some salt water taffy, Elton John, and seventeen
packets of Sweet ‘N Low and you’ve got the Format on
Dog Problems.
In “She Doesn’t Get It” The Format has me smiling all
over with their socially conscious proclamation, “All the
girls post the same four pictures, all the boys have the
same girls hair. Well I am bored because I feel much
older.”
I know I’ll be listening to this one ten years from now
remembering how young I was at the age of 27.
-Sean Rayford

sufJAn
steVens
YOUR GUIDE TO THE INCOMING PUNK INVASION OF CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA The Avalanche
July 11, 2006
I hate the Warped Tour. I really, really hate the Vans so many different people and exposed to all sorts of differ- McMicken of Columbia’s Maladroit Mafia whose band Asthmatic Kitty
Warped Tour but I’ve been seven times now. I bought my ent crowds. As far as I’m concerned it’s about as big as a played the Charlotte date last year. “This year we’ll be
first ticket to the event on the D.C. subway in 1997 for $5 tour as it gets,” says McLane heading up there and selling our CDs,” says McMicken.
from some cute Asian girl. The Suicide Machines blew me The Vans Warped Tour: a big, dusty, dirty tumbleweed You’ve gotta organize your buddies for the car pool early In response to the hubbub currently surrounding him, it looks
away that day. of multi-colored mohawks, mosh pits, lines, and ridicu- that day to avoid missing the unknown first bands of the like Sufjan Stevens has decided to strike while the iron’s hot and
I’ve watched Tim Armstrong and Lars Frederiksen of lously priced beverages. day. release this “shamelessly compiled” companion to 2005’s
Rancid play wiffle ball homerun derby in Jacksonville, “I definitely dislike the lack of water and $4 dollar waters,” “The thing with the Warped tour is it doesn’t matter what Illinoise. Proving he’s quite the clever one, our banjo-loving
Florida with members of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. says Worshem, “Although it’s about the community. I like band you are or what stage you play; the running order friend has put together twenty-one (more) ditties about thetwen-
That year was one of my favorites. I went alone and the fact that there is this sense of comradery because changes every day. They change it every day because ty-first state.
remember trying to trade an extra press pass for a single there are so many struggling bands in one place.” they don’t want people to show up late for the headliners I had heard that Sufjan (pronounced “SOOF YAN” if you care)
beer standing on top of an RV while NOFX played. You’ve gotta go prepared with a stuffed wallet. Ticket which is kind of cool-- it never gets stale and you’ve got t o originally wanted to dump the entire thing on the Net for free, but
On my first trip to the tour in Charlotte I stay on your toes,” says McLane. here I am reviewing it while he strolls to the bank clutching
began a tradition of sneaking vodka in film On Aug. 8, over a thousand of Columbia’s money bags. Shame on you, Sufjan. Shame on you.
canisters to the show. Vodka-water is my offi- punk rockers and mall rats should make the Clocking in at a whopping seventy-six minutes, this compila-
cial Warped Tour beverage because you have migration north on interstate 77. They’ll tion of outtakes and rarities could’ve easily passed as Illinoise
to hydrate. It’s hot and it’s dirty and the goth pass by each other checking out band stick- part II: the reckoning had it not been littered with guitar amp feed-
kids are sweating their make up down their ers on one another's’ vehicles and probably back, ambient instrumental hiccups and three, count ‘em, three
cheeks and onto you. Just because you want mooning each other every now and then as alternate versions of “Chicago.” There are a handful of songs
to catch some of AFI. well. (“The Avalanche” “Dear Mr. Supercomputer” “The Henny Buggy
“It’s like being in hell and sitting under Then they'll get off the highway and sit in Band” & “No Man’s Land”) that hold their own and would’ve
Satan’s nut sack. It’s the hottest thing ever,” traffic talking about who they want to see complimented his original Prairie State opus, but, overall, this
says Brien Worshem of Secret Lives of the the most. effort is pretty bland.
Freemasons. “I’ve gotten to see Joan Jett and the Of course, we are once again enlightened with odd nuggets of
“Warped Tour takes place in parking lots Blackhearts twice which I was really syked fact concerning the state’s history (“For Clyde Tombaugh” is
and ball fields around the country so it’s usu- on and I’ve watched Rise Against almost about the guy who discovered Pluto). But this time around, the
ally hot because there’s never any shade,” every day,” says McLane who finds the time quirky hand claps and trumpets that made Illinoise so well
says Stretch Arm Strong’s Chris McLane to check out fellow musicians while on the received begin to wear on the nerves a bit. By album’s end,one
while on a stretch of I-90 heading east tour. quickly grows bored with the delicate falsetto that made Stevens
towards a Warped Tour date in So who will you be going to see this year popular in the first place. Lest we forget, Sufjan’s musical ambi-
Massachusetts this past Tuesday evening. in Charlotte? The following is a partial list. tion is to crank out one album for each of the fifty states. Now,
You almost have to buy a band t-shirt that Top: Thursday performs at the Vans Warped Tour in Charlotte in 2002. Above: For more information check out with both Michigan and Illinois under his belt, I don’t think it’s wise
day so that you’ve got something clean to www.Warped Tour.com to waste time on a work of filler when there’s still forty-eight to go.
Against Me! at the New Brookland Tavern this past winter. Both bands will be Sufjan is currently on tour promoting both Illinoise and this
wear on the way home. appearing at the Charlotte version of the tour on August 8. Thursday, Rise Against, Against Me! 18
Warped Tour is a crazy circus of rebellion Visions, Helmet, Bouncing Souls, Less batch of bastard tracks that didn’t make the cut. With stops in
that has grown to monstrous proportion since prices are always reasonable considering how many Than Jake, Saves the Day, Comeback Kid, Armor For Tennessee, Texas, North Carolina and Georgia, perhaps the
its beginnings twelve years ago. bands play, but it’s a flea market and everything is for sale, Sleep, He is Legend, Everytime I Die, Secret Lives, Stretch next state project will focus on southern culture. Can’t wait to
“In Detroit we played the main stage and including the Ernie Ball stage. Arm Strong, NOFX, Senses Fail, Joan Jett and the hear “The Electric
there was almost 18,000 people there that “I guess I almost have a problem with all the commercial- Blackhearts, Horse the Band, Anti-Flag, From Autumn to Ode to that Giant Fire Hydrant on Taylor Street” or a vibraphone-
day. As a band you get to play in front of ism but that’s what keeps it going strong,” says Jeffrey Ashes, Motion City Soundtrack, The Bled, and more. heavy Strom Thurmond ballad.
-William Logan

THE ANGRY WHALE no. 1.20 theangrywhale@yahoo.com

 16 citypaper August 2, 2006

Kraft sauce served at

John Kerry barbecue
WEST COLUMBIA -- If John Kerry had
used the lobby bathroom in the Woodmen
of the World building when he was there
last week, he would have seen the words
“white power” and “KKK” written in one of
the stalls.
Hopefully he didn’t.
Instead, the 2004 Democratic nominee
entered the packed banquet hall pumping
his fist in the air while City Paper reporters
snuck in through the kitchen door.
The Massachusetts senator spent
nearly an hour of his allotted time speak-
ing about national politics and the historic
political differences between Richland and
Lexington County. He once even used the
contraction “y’all.”
“What a lot of great energy there is
in this room,” Kerry said to the overfilling
room of S.C. Democrats who attended the
event. “You did everything except move to
Ohio.”
The jokes didn’t end there as Kerry
riled up the crowd, stuffing down bar-
becue ironically smothered in Bull’s-Eye
sauce instead of the more Kerry-appropri-
ate Heinz.
“The only good news I can bring you
from Washington,” Kerry said, “is that it’s
been several months since the vice presi-
dent hasn’t shot anybody.”
Kerry also talked up David Allston, who
was the gunner on his swiftboat during the
Vietnam conflict and currently works in Co-
By Corey Hutchins
lumbia as a minister.
While Chef Fatback’s catered barbe-
cue from Mac’s on Main fueled the au-
dience, Kerry spoke about health care,
the conflicts in the Middle East and even
George W. Bush’s recent birthday.
“The president celebrated his 60th
birthday and so much for the idea that with
age comes wisdom,” he said.
More levity came from the former fu-
ture president of the United States when
he spoke about the cost of prescription
drugs, saying not only should Americans
not have to go to Canada to get them, but
also “every American [should have] the
right to get expensive prescription drugs
just like Rush Limbaugh.”
As Kerry neared the end of his speech
he encouraged the folks present to vote
for Tommy Moore, who he called the next
governor of South Carolina.
“We’re here tonight because we’ve
got an obligation to make sure that for ev-
ery child in South Carolina and this coun-
try there’s a future that’s worth embracing.
And that’s what we’re gonna do,” he said.
Read Hutchins’ stories in the new book
Class Dismissed, published by Random
House.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Even though the Whig just celebrated their
first anniversary, it seems like they’ve been a
Columbia staple for years. Since City Paper is
closing in on its first anniversary, too, we thought
we’d revisit the Whig, our very first cover story.
And there was no better time to pay them a visit
than during their “Christmas in July” party, a
late-night jamboree that featured a weird variety
show (including the “Wake Up With Columbia City
Paper” guy doing a bizarre mime routine. We’re
still trying to shake that particular image from our
heads). Here’s to another year! -Ed.
By Julie Winters
Christmas in December, Christmas in July
- this year I spent both of them in bars. Thanks
to the Whig, Christmas in July, however, doesn’t
make me feel quite so lonely. It’s got all the
mirth and well-wishes of the season, without
all the SAD disaffections and guilt over being a
disappointment to my parents.
The jolliness of Christmas serves merely to
provide kitsch for The Whig’s First Anniversary.
Yes! It’s been one whole year since the little
tavern of lung cancer and argumentative jukebox
choices was birthed!
It’s hard to believe this dank little cavern
could make a dent, much less a mark, in
Columbia’s rather staid nightlife. An informal poll
at the “Christmas in July” event pulled greatly in
The Whig’s favor:
“I can’t even comprehend how much The
Whig has improved my life. ...It could only be
better if they called it the Dixiecrats.”
Commentary runs the gamut, from “they
need a statue of Strom” to a detailed how-to for
anyone who may want to find the decomposing
lizard in the women’s restroom.
“It’s a place to hang out, have a beer, write
without having to listen to shitty music, and be
bothered...you can hang out socially, with no
shitty music...goddamn I love this place.”
The Whig quickly became Columbia’s little
brother. Often fun, sometimes annoying as all get
out, but there’s nothing but love.
Including when it comes to theft. “This is
my favorite place,” claimed a neighboring bar’s
employee, “I steal because I love.”
I sat here because I was waiting for a good
time. In the meantime, I took an informal poll. Five
out of seven people said they go to Art Bar less,
since The Whig opened.
“It’s more laid back, at Art Bar you have
either techno or drunk people...it’s foul.”
The Whig, though, sometimes just seems
like one big inside joke. If you’re not into it, you
can either ho ho ho, and hope a Media Arts major
notices and invites you into a shot, or you can sit
and roll your eyes, just thankful there are two-
dollar drinks left in town.
The first anniversary held its charm because
it was just another Monday night: same music, old
people left over from happy hour at the bar, loud
foreigners at extended tables, hipsters huddled in
booths squealing over Ryan Adam bootlegs. (And
later, of course: the wackos in Santa beards and
Phil Specter Christmas tunes.)
And a gracious free pour. Charming jukebox
aside, The Whig will pour you a drink.
It’s hard to believe it’s only been a year. The
original kitchen crew might be gone, but their
absence serves only to encourage excitement
over what lies ahead: sake bombs and Santa,
black holes of hipness and the best bar food in
town, The Whig somehow manages to embrace
us all.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

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17 Grub & Pub citypaper August 2, 2006

GRUB & PUB

CCP provides comprehensive restaurant, bar & coffee shop listings for our readers, tourists and locals
alike. E-mail grub@columbiacitypaper.com if you would like to list your establishment or edit/update its one
line description, but remember: Menus are for restaurant tables (please don’t send a paragraph on your sub
shop, our readers can figure out what you do from the name of your establishment.)

Asian Grills
M Café
Downtown: 1417 Sumter St., 779-5788
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.;
Mon-Sat 5:30-10 p.m.
Miyo’s
Downtown: 922 S. Main St., 779-6496
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Sat
5-10 p.m.
You can’t go wrong at any of the Miyo’s
establishments
Miyo’s at Columbiana Place
Harbison/Irmo: 1220 E-2 Bower Pkwy.,
781-7788
Mon - Thu 11:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and 5 to
10 p.m.; Fri - Sat 11:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and Five Points: 342 Pickens St., 779-0606
5:30 to 10:30 p.m.; Sun 11:30 a.m. - 2:30
p.m. and 5 - 10 p.m.
Miyo’s on Forest
Northeast: 3250 Forest Dr. Suite B, 743-
9996
Sun-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Thu
5:30-10 pm.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30 p.m.; Sun
5-9:30 p.m.
Deli/Sandwich
Andy’s Deli
Five Points: 2005 Greene St., 799-2639
Mon-Sat 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
Atlanta Bread Company
Downtown: 1307 Main St., 779-0101
Mon–Fri 7 a.m.–7 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.–2 p.m.
Harbison: 1230 Bower Parkway, B-1, 407-
2003
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Sun 9 a.m.-6 p.m.
Ballentine Family Deli
Harbison/Irmo: 101-A Ministry Dr., 781-4666
Mon-Fri 9 a.m.-3 p.m.; Sat 9 a.m.-2 p.m.
Carolina Café & Catering
Downtown: 945 Sumter St. (corner of
Sumter & Pendleton), 799-6676
Mon.-Fri. 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat-Sun 8 a.m.-3
p.m.
DiPrato’s Delicatessen & Market
Mon-Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m., Sun 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
DL McLaughlin’s
Harbison/Irmo: 10400 Broad River Rd.,
732-4109
Mon-Thu and Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri 11
a.m-10 p.m.
Earth Fare
Shandon: 3312-B Devine St., 799-0048
Store hours: Mon-Sat 8 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sun 9 Heavenly Ham
a.m.-8 p.m.
Hot and Cold Bar: Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-8:30
p.m.;
Fri-Sat 8 a.m.-8:30 p.m.; Sun 9 a.m.-8:30
p.m.
Fat Cat Café
Downtown: 1202 Sumter St., 251-3456
Mon-Fri 7:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
Firehouse Subs
Harbison/Irmo: 7467 St. Andrews Rd.,
407-8521
10:30 a.m.-10 p.m. Mon-Sat; 10:30 a.m.-9
p.m. Sun.
Garden Bistro
The Vista: 923 Gervais St. (parking available
off Park St.), 933-9085
Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-3 p.m.
Downtown: 1320 Main St., 988-8188
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-3 p.m.
Gervais Street Deli
Downtown: 1200 Main St., 779-2222
Mon-Fri 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
Groucho’s
Forest Acres: 4717 Forest Dr., 790-0801
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-8:30 p.m., Sun 11 a.m.-3
p.m.
Five Points: 611 Harden St., 799-5708.
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-4 p.m.
Lexington: 117 1/2 East Main St., 356-8800
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m.
Forest Acres: 16 Trenholm Plaza, 782-4267
Harbison/Irmo: 1260 Bower Pkwy, 407-7620
Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 10 a.m.-5 p.m.
Jersey Mike’s
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 4717 Devine St.,
787-0945
Mon-Sat 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-8
p.m.
Jimmy Johns
The Vista: 715 Gervais St., 933-9595
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Five Points: 2015 Devine St., 806-8282
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-3 a.m.
Linda’s Little Deli
Northeast: 4130 Bethel Church Rd., 787-
4351
Mon–Fri 11 a.m.–3 p.m.; Sat. 11:30
a.m.–2:30 p.m.
McAlister’s Deli
Harbison/Irmo: 300 Columbiana Dr., 781-
4550
Sun-Wed 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Thu-Sat 10:30 a.m.-10:30 p.m.
Northeast: 119 Sparkleberry Ln., 788-7600
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Lexington: 5175 Sunset Blvd., 951-3332
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Forest Acres: 4710-A Forest Dr., 790-5995
Mon-Thu 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 10:30
a.m.-10:30 p.m.
Nature’s Deli
Downtown: 1616 Taylor St., 748-9344
Mon-Fri 7 a.m. to 6 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-2 p.m.
Nice-N-Natural
Downtown: 1217 College St., 799-3471
Mon-Fri 10:30 a.m.-3 p.m.
No Name Deli
Downtown: 2042 Marion St., 252-0480
Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
No Credit Cards
D’s Wings WG’s Chicken Wings
West Columbia/Cayce: 920 Axtell Dr. St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 736 St. Andrews
(Parkland Plaza), 791-4486 Rd., 772-1489
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
11 p.m.
Wings & Ale
Damon’s Clubhouse St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 125-C Outlet
The Vista: 900 Senate St., 758-5880 Pointe Dr., 750-1600
Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- Sun-Thu 11 a.m.-11:30 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11
11 p.m. a.m.-midnight; kitchen closes at 10 p.m.
every night.
Dream Wings
Five Points: 2009 Greene St., 779-0006 American/Southern
Mon-Fri 4 p.m.-3 a.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-3 a.m.;
Sun noon-midnight Alley Café
The Vista: 911 Lady St., 255-0257
Duke’s Barbecue Wed-Sat 5 p.m.-until (Food 5-10 p.m.)
West Columbia/Cayce: 2736 Emanuel Rainbow Female Friendly
Church Rd., 356-4488
Fri 11 am-9 p.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Birds on a Wire
Shandon: 2901 Devine St., 254-2445
Green’s BBQ Mon-Sat 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-3
North Columbia: 5310 Farrow Rd., 333-0077 p.m.
Tue-Sat noon-until Northeast: 4561 Hardscrabble Rd., 788-
1801
Hooters of Columbia
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 1928 Broad California Dreaming
River Rd., 798-5694 Downtown: 401 Main St., 254-6767
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-midnight; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-1 Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m.; Fri–Sat 11
a.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-11 p.m. a.m.–11 p.m.
Hudson’s Smokehouse Carolina’s
Lexington: 4952 Sunset Blvd., 356-1070 Downtown: 1615 Gervais St., 771-8711
Tue-Sat 11 a.m.-7:30 p.m. Breakfast: Mon-Sun 6:30-10:30 a.m.; Lunch:
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.; Dinner: Mon-Sat
John D. Hite’s 5- 10 p.m.
West Columbia/Cayce: 240 Dreher Rd.,
794-4120 The Club House Restaurant
Fri-Sat 8 a.m.-7 p.m. The Vista: 936 Gervais St., 799-2739

It’s frozen drink time on

Mon-Sat 4 p.m.-2 a.m. (Kitchen closes at
North Main Deli Little Pigs 10 p.m.)
North Columbia: 3708-A N. Main St., 929- Northeast: 4927 Alpine Rd., 788-8238 Comedy House Theatre
0980 Wed 11 a.m.-2 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m. St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 14 Berryhill Rd.,

our outside patio

Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 10 a.m.-5:30 798-9898
p.m. Myer’s Barbecue Tue-Thu Doors at 7 p.m., Show at 8:30 p.m.;
Blythewood: 10324 Wilson Rd., 754-7400 Fri-Sat Doors at 6:30 p.m., Shows at 8 and
Pita Pit Mon-Sat 9 a.m.-9 p.m. 10:30 p.m.;
Five Points: 2002 A Greene St., 799-4557 Sun Doors at 6:30 p.m., Show at 8 p.m.
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-3 a.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-4 Palmetto Pig
a.m.; Sun noon-3 a.m. Downtown: 530 Devine St., 733-2556 Finlay’s
Tue-Fri 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Downtown: 1200 Hampton St., 744-6940
Sammi’s Deli Mon-Sun 6:30-11 a.m., 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.;
Downtown: 919 Sumter St., 256-7763 Piggie Shack BBQ Express Mon-Sat 5-10 p.m.; Sun 5-9 p.m.
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-2 a.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-2 a.m.; North Columbia: 5609 Farrow Rd., 691-4406
Sun 11 a.m.-midnight. Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat noon-9 p.m. Five Points Diner
Five Points: 800 Harden St., 254-9999
Souper Spoon Porky D’s Mon-Wed 7 a.m.-2 a.m.; Thu-Sat 7 a.m.-4
Downtown: 1212 Hampton St., 256-0902 Lexington: 675 Two Notch Rd., 359-5556 a.m.
Mon-Fri 10:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-7 p.m. (or until they run out
of meat) Flight Deck
Sub Pub Lexington: 109-A Old Chapin Rd., 957-5990
Five Points: 2002-F Greene St., 252-5505 The Publick House Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri-Sat: 11 a.m.-8
Mon-Wed 11 a.m. -3 a.m.; Thu- Sat 11 a.m. Shandon: 2307 Devine St., 256-2207 p.m.
--4 a.m.; Sun noon-2 a.m. Mon-Sun 4 p.m.-until.
Fuddruckers
Sub Station II Shealy’s Bar-B-Que House St. Andrews/Dutch Square:
West Columbia/Cayce: 503 Knox Abbott Dr., Leesville: 340 E. Columbia Ave., 532-8135 180 Bush River Rd., 798-9679
791-8693 11 a.m.-9 p.m. (closed Wed and Sun), Sun-Thu 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 10:30
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m., Sun 12-8 p.m. Carry Out 9 a.m.-9 p.m. a.m.-11 p.m.
BBQ/Ribs/Wings Sike’s Barbecue Harper’s Restaurant
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 11170 Garners Five Points: 700 Harden St., 252-2222
Big-T Bar-B-Que Ferry Rd., 353-9620 Mon-Thu 11:15 a.m.-10 p.m.;

801 Harden Street

Northeast: 1061 Sparkleberry Ln., 788-4295 Thu-Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sun 10:15 a.m.-
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m. 10 p.m.
Gadsden: 2520 Congaree Rd., 353-0488 Southern Pig BBQ

803-771-7363
Wed 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.- Blythewood: 135-A Blythewood Rd., 348- Jerry Kelly’s
midnight 8057 Shandon: 1332 Rosewood Dr., 799-8747
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 7535 Garners 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Mon-Thu; 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Mon-Fri 7- 10 a.m. and 11 a.m.-2 p.m.
Ferry Rd., 776-7132 Fri-Sat; 11 a.m.-6 p.m. Sun.

The only Daiquiri Bar in Columbia!

Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.- Jillian’s
10 p.m. Sticky Fingers The Vista: 800 Gervais St., 779-7789
Harbison/Irmo: 380 Columbiana Dr., 781- Sun-Wed 11:30 a.m.-midnight;
D’s on Beltline 7427 Thu 11:30 a.m.-1 a.m.; Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m.-2
Forest Acres: 2005 Beltline Blvd., 787-2595 Sun-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- a.m.
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-11 11 p.m.
p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Northeast: 7001 Parklane Road 865-7427 John Paul’s Armadillo Oil Co.
18 Grub & Pub
GRUB & PUB
Downtown: 1215 Assembly St., 771-9902
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Fri 11:30 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sat. 4-11 p.m.
Keg O’Nails
Shandon: 3008 Rosewood Dr., 252-1992
Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m..; Fri-Sat 11
a.m.– 11 p.m.
Mac’s on Main
Downtown: 1710 Main St., 929-0037
Mon-Tue 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-8
p.m.; Wed-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-
midnight; Fri 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-2
a.m.; Sat 5 p.m.-midnight
MacDougall’s Restaurant & Bar
The Vista: 902-F Gervais St., 779-6400
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-2
a.m.; Sat 4 p.m.-midnight
MacGregor’s Tavern
Forest Acres: 3157 Forest Dr., 738-9290
Kitchen: Mon-Fri 11 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sat noon-
8 p.m.
Bar: Mon-Fri 11 a.m. –2 a.m.; Sat noon-2
a.m.;
Sun 4 p.m.-midnight
Mallards Restaurant & Lounge
Northeast: 8105 Two Notch Rd., 736-5600
Mon-Sun 6-10 a.m., 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 6-10
p.m.; Lounge open Mon-Sat 4 p.m.-2 a.m.
and Sun 5 p.m.-midnight
(At the Ramada)
Mama Nem’s
St. Andrews/Dutch Square:
559 St. Andrews Rd., 213-9932
Tue-Sat 11 a.m.-8 p.m.; Wed and Sun 11
a.m.-6 p.m.
Nonnah’s
The Vista: 930 Gervais St., 779-9599
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.;
Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5 p.m.-12:30 a.m.;
Sat 6 p.m.-12:30 a.m.
Nonnahs is Shannon backwards and is a
perfect date place for Lunch, Dinner and
Deserts (whether her name is Shannon or
not).
The Original Pancake House
Forest Acres: 4840 Forest Dr. (Trenholm
Plaza), 782-6742
Mon-Fri 6:30 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat -Sun 7 a.m.-9
p.m.
Roadhouse Grill
Harbison/Irmo: 301 Park Terrace Dr., 407-
1212
Sun-Mon 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-
11 p.m.
Roche Brothers
Forest Acres: 3123 Beltline Blvd., 254-7360
Mon– Fri 11 a.m.–2 p.m. and 5–10 p.m.
Rush’s
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 2640 Broad
River Rd., 772-2393
Northeast: 2500 Decker Blvd., 736-0101
West Columbia: 2332 Sunset Blvd., 796-
2396
Southeast: 7450 Garners Ferry Rd., 783-
5201
Lexington: 201 Columbia Ave., 359-5201
Irmo: 283 Harbison Blvd., 781-1277
Northeast: 10016 Two Notch Rd., 699-1376
Camden: 2207 West DeKalb St.
Mon-Sun 10 a.m.-midnight
Salty Nut Café
Five Points: 2000-A Greene St., 256-4611
Mon-Sun 11 a.m.–midnight (kitchen); Bar
open 11 a.m.- until.
What-A-Burger
West Columbia/Cayce: 804 Meeting St.,
794-1929
Mon -Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m.
Willy’s
The Vista: 1200B Lincoln St., 799-3111
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-
11 p.m. (bar until 2 a.m.); Sat 4-11 p.m.
Yesterday’s Restaurant and Tavern
Five Points: 2030 Devine St., 799-0196
Sun-Thu 11:30 a.m.-midnight; Fri-Sat 11:30
a.m.-1 a.m. (bar open until 2 a.m.)
Zaxby’s
Northeast: 9840 Two Notch Rd., 462-0013
Northeast: 101 Clemson Rd., 419-1599
Harbison/Irmo: 1042 Lake Murray Blvd.,
732-0011
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 650 St. Andrews
Rd., 772-8253
West Columbia/Cayce: 821 Knox Abbott Dr.,
791-5200
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri 11 a.m.-11
p.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-9
p.m.
Japanese/Korean
Blue Cactus Café
Five Points: 2002 Greene St., 929-0782
Tue-Fri 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-9 p.m.; Sat
noon-9 p.m.
Lloyd Reese once told us to take our rack
and “get the fuck out.”
It turns out this kind of passion makes for a
phenomenal chef. Too bad we have to send
someone else in for our take out.
Grilled Teriyaki
Five Points: 748 Harden St., 933-9950
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.;
Fri 11 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and 5 p.m.-3 a.m.;
Sat 5 p.m.-3 a.m.; Sun 5-9:30 p.m.
Hibachi Restaurant Tama
Northeast: 2318 Decker Blvd., 699-5041
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 4:30-9:30 p.m.;
Fri 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m. and 4:30-10 p.m.; Sat
11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11:30 a.m.-8 p.m.
Inakaya Japanese Restaurant
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 655-C St.
Andrews Rd., 731-2538
Mon 5– 10 p.m.; Tue-Thu 11:45 a.m.-2 p.m.
and 5-10 p.m.; Fri 11:45 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5-11
p.m.; Sat 5-11 p.m.
Northeast: 224 O’Neil Court, 669-2626
Sushi baby!
Kyodai Japanese Restaurant
Northeast: 9710 Two Notch Rd., 419-0802
Sun-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 5-9:30 p.m.; Fri
11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 5-10:30 p.m.; Sat 5-10:30
p.m.
Micato Japanese Restaurant
Northeast: 8909 Two Notch Rd., 788-5358
Mon-Sun 5-10 p.m.
Miyabi Kyoto Japanese Steakhouse and
Sushi Bar
Harbison/Irmo: 100 Columbiana Circle (in
Columbiana Mall), 407-0574
Mon-Thu 5-9:30 p.m.; Fri 5-10 p.m.;
Sat 4-10 p.m.; Sun 12-2 p.m. and 4-9 p.m.
O Bok Korean Restaurant
Northeast: 1616 Decker Blvd., 787-1100
Tue-Thu 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-10
p.m.; Sun 1-9 p.m.
Osaka Inn
Lexington: 5454 Sunset Blvd. Ste. E, 957-
5414
Mon-Sun 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Fri 5-9:30
p.m.; Sat-Sun 5-10:30 p.m.
Japanese Hibachi
Saki
4963 Fort Jackson Blvd, 787-5307
Call for hours.
Slammin’ sushi!
Cajun
Doc’s Gumbo Grille
Downtown: 1115 Assembly St., 256-4440
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Wed-Thu 5-10
p.m.; Fri 5-11 p.m.; Sat 6-11 p.m.
Be sure to check out the house band.
Pierre’s II Cajun Turkey Restaurant
Downtown: 2001 Hampton St., 254-5544
Mon-Tue 11 a.m.–7 p.m.; Wed-Fri 11 a.m.-9
p.m.; Sat 12 p.m.-6 p.m.
Bistro/New American City Café
Downtown: 1901 Main St., 252-1133 soul on tap
Back Porch on Gervais Mon-Fri 8- 9:30 a.m. and 11:30 a.m.-2:15
Downtown: 1616 Gervais St., 779-4626 p.m. i was down in olympia
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.;
Panera Bread during a blue moon when along the corona
Dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. spied my friend sam adams
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 6080 Garners
Brix Bistro Ferry Rd., 647-9722 foster a poem with heinekens in it
Lexington: 109 J Old Chapin Rd., 356-9915 Mon-Sat 6 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sun 7 a.m.-8 p.m. atop a rolling rock near a keystone
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.;
Rising High this car with a red stripe on the hood
Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.;
Sun 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-9 p.m. Five Points: 827 Harden St., 254-3113 passes by with plates from nevada
Mon-Sun 7 a.m.-9 p.m.
Downtown: 1508 Main St., 252-6111 so i sierra a call to my hombres at the hunter
Bull Market Restaurant & Taverna
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sat 9 a.m.-5 p.m.; gatherer tell them of the
The Vista: 902-C Gervais St., 343-2855 pale moon
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri 11:30 a.m.- Sun 11 a.m.-5 p.m. lit ale of the night
11 p.m.; Sat 4-11 p.m. Free WiFi and City Paper, located under
other papers on our newspaper rack. i hear a car back fire
Buster’s Bistro that would fish paralyze
Forest Acres: 5143-B Forest Dr., 738-8066 Tiffany’s Bakery & Eatery
Northeast: 8502 Two Notch Rd., 736-2253 only a gaelic stout of rod would seek to harpoon this bass
Tue-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.; my friend guinness hops a
Fri 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.; Sat 5-11 Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 7 a.m.-3 p.m.
p.m.; Sun 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. cab to busch me a coors
Tiffany’s Café and Bakery
fire a light in my right hand
Cat & Cleaver Catering Co. Shandon: 2865 Devine St., 933-0050
Mon 7 a.m.-2 p.m.; Tue-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; sanguine for i miller the
Downtown: 1202 Main St., 255-0950
Lunch: Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Fri 11 Sat 7 a.m.-2 p.m.; Sun 9 a.m.-2 p.m. grain into bread sown from the
a.m.-2 p.m.; Dinner: Wed-Sat 5-10 p.m. Holy shit, that’s good French Toast. nape of the narragansett
Cafe/Coffeehouse now that car that backfires stalls-
Gracie’s
Five Points: 711 Harden St., 312-0012 out comes a king cobra
Mon-Wed 5 p.m.-midnight (kitchen until 11 Adriana’s that schiltzes its way into the storm
p.m.); Thu-Sat 5 p.m.-2 a.m. (kitchen until Five Points: 721 Saluda Ave., 799-7595
Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-midnight; Sat 9 a.m.- drain as the dew from the
11 p.m.) said night air renegades a hobgoblin
midnight; Sun 10 a.m.-11 p.m. Kitchen: 11
Hampton Street Vineyard a.m.-10 p.m. steel myself
Watch out for Kipp Shives!
Downtown: 1201 Hampton St., 252-0850 reserve as an icehouse
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.;
Bad Ass Coffee for i have been drinking too much
Sat 6-10 p.m.
If I could get a date, I would bring her here. 819 Harden Street 803-251-3185 for it looks back at me like a woodchuck
must lager my way back to domestic
Icy’s Sports Bistro Café 31
Forest Acres: 4711-27 Forest Dr., 782-0731 yet hale a pabst blue ribbon cab
Northeast: 10005 Two Notch Rd., 736-5775
Tue-Sun 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun Noon-10 p.m. to catch a ship
Coffee & Ice Cream to sail to shores outside kirin
Liberty Taproom & Grill
Café Strudel ah yes to find
The Vista: 828 Gervais St., 461-4677 my seoul
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-2 a.m. West Columbia/Cayce: 118 State St., 794-
Watch out for gold diggers 6634
Mon 8:30 a.m.-3 p.m.; Tue-Thu 8:30 a.m.-10 j. m. starino
Mo Mo’s Bistro p.m.;
Shandon: 2930 Devine St., 252-2700 Fri 8:30 a.m.-midnight; Sat 9:30 a.m.-
Tue-Thu 5:30-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-11 p.m.; midnight; Sun 10 a.m.-3 p.m. John M. Starino is a member of the 2006 Upstate
Bar opens Tue-Sat at 5 p.m. The food is always fresh. The menu is Slam Poetry Team in Greenville. He will be
diverse and original. Basically, this place is performing at the poetry slam at Artists Basement
freaking awesome and you’ll wonder why
Motor Supply Co.
there isn’t a line out the door. this Thursday 8/3 at 6 p.m. at 2013 Devine St.
The Vista: 920 Gervais St., 256-6687
Tue-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.;
Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-11 p.m.; Cool Beans!
Sun 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.
The Sunday brunch rocks.
Mr. Friendly’s
Five Points: 2001-A Greene St., 254-7828
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Thu 5:30
p.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30 p.m.
Rhino Room
The Vista: 807 Gervais St., 931-0700
Tue-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.; Mon-Wed 5-11
p.m.;
Fri-Sat 5 p.m.- midnight.
Edisto Salad!
Rust Whiskey Bar and Grill
The Vista: 918 Gervais St., 933-9383
Tue-Sat 5 p.m.-until
The Blue Martini
The Vista: 808 Lady St., 256-2442
Wed 8 p.m.-until; Thu-Fri 5 p.m.- until;
Sat 7 p.m.-until
Tombo Grille
Forest Acres: 4517 Forest Dr., 782-9665
Mon-Thu 5:30-9:30 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30
p.m. (bar opens at 4:30 p.m.)
Bagel
Carolina Bagel Bakery & Café
Downtown: 925 Sumter St., 799-6676
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat-Sun 8 a.m.-3 p.m.
Manhattan Bagel
Forest Acres: 4840 Forest Dr., 782-7551
Mon-Fri 6 a.m.-4 p.m.; Sat. 7 a.m.-4 p.m.;
Sun 7 a.m.-2 p.m.
Bakery
Chocolate Nirvana
Downtown: 1531 Richland St., 790-4016
9 a.m.-3 p.m.
Movies
Deric Spoils The Movie
Lady in the Water (2006)
A charming tale for the young at heart.
Lady in the Water is the fifth film by M. Night
Shyamalan and represents a change of direction
from his previous films. Wherein earlier films
by Shyamalan were characterized by a unique
twist of some sort, for the most part Lady is a
straightforward fable of his own creation.
The legend begins something like this: Once
upon a time there were sea nymphs known as
“Narfs” who were charged with enlightening
mankind. As time passed, and man moved further
inland, the work and wisdom of the Narfs was
generally ignored. To this day individual Narfs are
sent to awaken the senses of select few humans
who have a greater purpose. Upon completing
their mission, a giant eagle will come collect the
successful Narf and carry her home to her watery
world. The journeys of the Narfs are not without
danger however as there are beings known as
“Scrunts” (resembling wolves yet covered in grass
and able to disguise themselves) who seek to
hunt the Narfs on their mission. Once the Narf
has completed the mission of awakening, the
Scrunts are forbidden from interfering by enforcers
known as “Tartutic” who are similarly covered in
vegetation yet resemble monkeys with spears.
Make sense so far? Good, because we are
only halfway done. There are humans predestined
to aid the Narf in her quest of to include a healer,
a guide, a guild and a protector who all have been
subconsciously drawn to the area where the Narf
is to appear. Sometime scrunts will break the rules
of engagement in the event the Narf has been sent
is in fact a “Madame Narf” or a queen in the realm
she is from as to dishearten hope for the future.
And herein lies the story…
Paul Giamatti stars as Cleveland Heep, a
former attorney who fell from grace after his family
was brutally murdered. Bryce Dallas Howard
is the Narf named “Story” who appears in the
apartment complex where Heep is superintendent.
M. Night Shyamalan has cast himself as the
author who needs awakening to change the
course of history. “The Cove” is the apartment
complex where the eclectic group of characters
has gathered all for the purpose of seeing the Narf
through her mission. Now superimpose this with
the legend aforementioned above, and you’ve got
the general idea. Throw in a few minor twists, and
for the sake of brevity, there is indeed a happy
ending.
The key to appreciating Lady in the Water
lies in the context. The story behind the film is
one Shyamalan invented to tell his two young
daughters as a bedtime story. In the movie, an
elderly woman is not willing to share the legend of
the Narfs with Cleveland unless he will listen and
appreciate it as a child would; if as a moviegoer
you can allow yourself to get lost in Shyamalan’s
psyche and believe again in fairy tales he will take
you on a fantastic journey awakening both your
inner child and imagination. Those who either
can’t or won’t allow themselves to be bothered
with such fancy--no pleasure awaits in this film.
Were the backdrop of the legend itself outlined
more at the beginning of the film, it would have
strengthened the plot evolution significantly.
However, even with its lack of focus, Lady the
Water in is sure to delight any yearning for an
escape from daily monotony.
By Deric Kempsell
Lady in the Water (2006) starring Paul
Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Freddy Rodriguez,
Jeffrey Wright, and Bob Balaban is directed by
M. Night Shyamalan and rated PG-13 for some
frightening sequences.
Also Playing This Week:
In honor of the film Clerks II, this week’s
verdicts will find quotes from none other
than Jay and Silent Bob in their previous film
incarnations. Enjoy!
The Ant Bully X
Synopsis: A young boy learns about life after
being transformed to the size of an ant.
Verdict: Hey! It’s a new CGI movie this week!
Again! Who’d have thought! Crazy computers!
“Neh.”
Cars √
Synopsis: A rookie racecar discovers life is
about the journey, not the finish.
Verdict: Still the reigning champ in its’ field...
“snootch.”
Clerks II √
Synopsis: Ten years after the original…
Verdict: “Nootch!” This film rocks!
Click √
Synopsis: Adam Sandler receives a universal
remote...for the universe!
Verdict: “Where do you get these wonderful
toys?”
The Devil Wears Prada √
Synopsis: Anne Hathaway tries to cut it in
New York’s fashion industry.
Verdict: “Dude, this one looks like your
mom.”
John Tucker Must Die X
Synopsis: Three girls plot revenge on their
cheating lover.
Verdict: You know who else must die? The
person responsible for the barrage of ads for this
lame movie. “Snoogins.”
Little Man X
Synopsis: A tiny criminal poses as a child to
recover his stolen goods.
Verdict: “Oh, helllllllllllllllssssssssss no.”
Little Miss Sunshine √
Synopsis: An ecclectic family heads on the
road to a beauty pageant.
Verdict: “Let me know how she is…”
Miami Vice √
Synopsis: Two undercover detectives blur
the line between fabrication and real life.
Verdict: The original, and now...less campy!
“Bonnnnnngggg!”
Monster House √
Synopsis: Three children join forces to stop
a neighbor’s house once they realize it’s alive.
Verdict: “I know they were just kids, but we
kicked their pube-less asses!”
My Super Ex-Girlfriend √
Synopsis: No fury like a woman scorned—
especially when she has super powers.
Verdict: “You know there’s a million fine
looking women in the world, dude, but they don’t
all bring you lasagna at work…”
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s
Chest √
Synopsis: Captain Jack Sparrow discovers
he owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey
Jones.
Verdict: Know why they keep having all these
adventures? “Homey’s rockin’ the ganj!”
Superman Returns √
Synopsis: The Man of Steel returns to Earth
following a mysterious absence.
Verdict: “Fly, Fatass, Fly!”
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky
Bobby √
Synopsis: Will Ferrell is a NASCAR racing
sensation whose attitude makes him a national
hero.
Verdict: “Snootchie bootchies!” Soooo
excited about this movie.
You, Me and Dupree X
Synopsis: Down on his luck Dupree overstays
his welcome at a buddy’s house.
Verdict: “Adventure? Excitement? This
movie? A jedi craves not these things…”
Classic Movie Spoiler: Planet of the Apes (1968)
Synopsis: A future astronaut crew (to
include Charlton Heston) lands on a distant planet
to discover intelligent apes control society and
humans are enslaved.
citypaper August 2, 2006 19
Movie Times
Regal Columbia Cinema 7 Da Vinci Code 1, 5, 8
Effective Fri, August 4
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 27 min
3400 Forest Drive Suite 3000, Fast and The Furious 3 5:05, 9:20 (12:00), (2:10), (4:20), 7:15, 9:20
Barnyard: The Original Party Ani- Ice Age 2 1:30, 3:15, 7:20 Lady in the Water
mals (PG) 1:50 I 4:40 I 7:25 I 9:40 Over The Hedge 1:15, 3:10, 5:15, Rated PG-13, 1 hr 50 min
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of 7:10, 9 (12:05), (2:25), (4:50), 7:25, 9:50
Ricky Bobby (PG-13) RV 1:10, 3, 5:10, 7, 9:10 Little Man
1:00 I 1:30 I 4:00 I 4:30 I 7:00 I 7:30 X-Men 1:20, 3:20, 5:20, 7:30, 9:30 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 30 min
I 9:30 I 10:00 (12:25), (2:40), (5:00), 7:30, 9:35,
The Ant Bully (PG) The Big Mo DRIVE-IN 9:55
1:40 I 4:20 I 7:10 Hw1 past Lexigton/6mi past Miami Vice Rated R, 2 hr 26 min
Monster House (PG) Batesburg 803-685-7949 (12:20), (3:25), 6:35, 9:30
2:00 I 4:50 I 7:20 I 9:45 Fri August 4 - Sun 6 Monster House
You, Me and Dupree (PG-13) Screen 1: Talladega Nights: The Rated PG, 1 hr 31 min
1:20 I 4:25 I 7:15 I 9:50 Ballad of Ricky Bobby & Little Man (11:45am), (1:50), (4:10), 6:55, 9:15
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Screen 2 : You Me & Dupree, & My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Man’s Chest (PG-13) miami Vice Gates open 7pm , Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min
1:10 I 4:35 I 8:15 show starts at 8:45 (11:55am), (2:15), (4:25), 7:10
Superman Returns (PG-13) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
9:20 Carmike 14 Man’s Chest
The Railway Children 122 Afton Court, Columbia, SC, Rated PG-13, 2 hr 31 min
11:30am I 2:00 I 4:30 I 7:15 I 10:00 29212 (12:30), (3:45), 7:05, 10:10
Ant Bully, The Rated PG, 1 hr 28
Carmike Wynnsong 10 min(1:10), (1:40), (3:15), (3:45), Regal Sandhill Stadium 16
5320 Forest Drive 803-782-8100 5:20, 5:50, 7:25, 7:55, 9:30, 10:00 450 Town Center Place
Cars 1:00), (4:00), 7:00, 9:40, Click Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min 803-736-1811
10:00 (1:55), 4:45, 7:30, 9:55 Ant Bully, The Rated PG, 1 hr 28
Devil Wears Prada, The Devil Wears Prada, The min11:45am), (2:20), (4:40), 7:10,
1:30), (4:15), 7:00, 9:40 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 46 min 9:30
Lady in the Water (1:30), 4:15, 7:15, 9:35 Cars Rated G, 1 hr 57 min
(12:00), (12:45), (2:30), (3:15), John Tucker Must Die (11:35am), (2:20), (5:05)
(5:00), 5:45, 7:30, 8:15, 10:00 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 27 min Clerks II Rated R, 1 hr 37 min
Miami Vice (1:00), (1:30), (3:10), (3:40), 5:20, (12:10), (2:30), (5:15), 7:50, 10:05
(1:30), (1:50), (4:20), (4:45), 7:10, 5:50, 7:30, 8:00, 9:40, 10:10 Click Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min
8:10, 10:00 Monster House Rated PG, 1 hr 31 7:55, 10:25
Clerks II min(12:30), (1:00), (1:30), (2:50), Descent, The (TBA)
(12:15), (2:25), (4:40), 7:00, 9:30 (3:15), 4:30, 5:10, 5:30, 7:00, 7:20, Devil Wears Prada, The
John Tucker Must Die 7:45, 9:10, 9:40, 9:55 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 46 min
(1:00), (3:10), (5:20), 7:30, 9:40 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead (11:40am), (2:10), (4:45), 7:35,
Little Man Man’s Chest Rated PG-13, 2 hr 10:05
(12:30), (2:50), (5:10), 7:30, 9:55 31 min (12:30), (1:15), (1:45), 4:00, John Tucker Must Die Rated
Prairie Home Companion, A 4:30, 7:15, 8:15, 9:30 PG-13, 1 hr 27 min(12:40), (3:00),
(4:20), 10:00 Superman Returns (5:20), 7:40, 10:00 Lady in the
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 34 min Water Rated PG-13, 1 hr 50 min
Nickelodeon Theatre (12:30), 4:00, 7:30 (12:00), (2:35), (5:10), 7:15, 7:45,
937 Main Street, Columbia, SC Waist Deep Rated R, 1 hr 37 9:50, 10:20
803-254-3433 min(1:15), 4:00, 4:45, 7:10, 9:40, Little Man
AUGUST 4-10 FRIDAY-THURS- 10:15 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 30 min(12:15),
DAYShowtimes nightly at 7:00 & (2:35), (4:55), 8:00, 10:20
9:00,3:00 matinee Sat&Sun Columbiana Grande Cinemas Miami Vice Rated R, 2 hr 26 min
Strangers with Candy 1250 Bower Parkway (12:00), (1:00), (3:00), (4:00), 7:00,
With Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert, (803)407-9898 7:30, 10:00, 10:30
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica 1250 Bower Parkway, Columbia, Monster House
Parker. Executive Producer David Letter- SC, 29212 Rated PG, 1 hr 31 min
man. A prequel to the critically acclaimed An Inconvenient Truth (12:00), (12:30), (2:15), (2:45),
series featuring Jerri Blank, a 46 year-old Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min (4:30), (5:00), 7:15, 9:35
ex-junkie, ex-con who returns to high (11:25am), (1:55), (4:20), 7:05, 9:25 My Super Ex-Girlfriend Rated PG-
school in a bid to start her life over. Break-Up, The Rated PG-13, 1 hr 13, 1 hr 35 min11:30am), (2:00),
46 min7:45, 10:15 (4:35), 7:05, 9:40
AMC Dutch Square 14 Cars Rated G, 1 hr 57 min Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
800 Bush River Road, 750-3576 (11:45am), (2:30), (5:10), 7:50 Man’s Chest Rated PG-13, 2 hr
Cars Rated G, 1 hr 57 min Clerks II Rated R, 1 hr 37 min 31 min(12:30), (3:15), (3:45), 6:50,
Ant Bully, The 12:40, 2:50, 5:10, (11:20am), (2:00), (4:30), 7:15, 7:20, 10:10, 10:40 Superman
7:20, 9:40 9:35 Returns Rated PG-13, 2 hr 34 min
Clerks II 1:00, 3:15, 5:40, 8:00, Lady in the Water (11:55am), (3:30), 6:55, 10:15
10:30 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 50 min Talladega Nights: The Ballad of
Devil Wears Prada, The (11:30am), (1:30), (2:10), (4:10), Ricky Bobby (TBA)
7:15, 9:50 (4:45), 6:50, 7:30, 9:30, 10:05 You, Me and Dupree Rated
Lady in the Water 12:10, 2:40, Little Man PG-13, 1 hr 48 min(12:25), (2:55),
5:10, 7:40, 10:15 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 30 min (5:25), 7:55, 10:25
Miami Vice 12:00, 1:20, 3:00, (1:00), (3:20), (5:40), 8:05, 10:30
4:15, 6:15, 7:30, 9:30, 10:30 Miami Vice Rated R, 2 hr 26 min Pastime Pavilion Cinema 8
My Super Ex-Girlfriend (11:00am), (12:40), (1:50), (3:50), 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington,
12:50, 3:05, 5:25, 7:35, 9:50 (4:40), 7:00, 9:30, 10:00 SC, 29072 803-951-3604
Superman Returns 7:00, 10:20 My Super Ex-Girlfriend Ant Bully, (11:30am), (1:50), 4:10,
You, Me and Dupree Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min 7:10, 9:25
1:30, 4:45, 7:10, 9:45 (11:40am), (12:30), (2:25), (3:00), Cars11:20am), (2:00), 4:50
Cars (4:40), (5:20), 7:10, 7:55, 9:40, John Tucker Must Die (11:50am),
1:50, 4:30Rated G 10:25 (2:10), 4:20, 8:00, 10:25
Click 1:45, 4:20 Over the Hedge Lady in the Water
John Tucker Must Die Rated PG, 1 hr 27 min (2:40), 5:10, 7:50, 10:20
1:00, 3:10, 5:20, 7:45, 10:10 (11:15am), (1:20), (4:15) Little Man 7:30, 9:50
Little Man Scoop Miami Vice (12:10), 4:00, 7:20,
12:00, 2:10, 4:40, 7:05, 9:20 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 36 min 10:15
Monster House (11:50am), (2:20), (5:00), 7:20, 9:45 Monster House (12:00), (2:15),
1:10, 3:20, 5:30, 7:50, 10:00 You, Me and Dupree 4:30, 6:50, 9:30 My Super
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Rated PG-13, 1 hr 48 min Ex-Girlfriend
Man’s Chest (11:05am), (12:45), (1:40), (4:00), (11:40am), (2:30), 5:00, 7:40, 10:00
12:30, 2:45, 3:45, 6:15, 7:00, 9:30, (4:35), 6:55, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
10:15 Man’s Chest
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Columbia Place 8 (11:00am), (2:20), 7:00, 10:10
Ricky Bobby 7201/802 Two Notch, Superman Returns
11:30am, 2:00, 4:30, 7:15, 10:00 Ant Bully, The Rated PG-13, 2 hr 34 min
Rated PG, 1 hr 28 min Showtimes: (11:10am)
St. Andrews Cinema 5 (11:50am), (2:00), (4:15), 7:00,
527 St Andrews Road 9:10
803-772-7469 John Tucker Must Die
20 Horoscopes citypaper August 2, 2006

HOROSCOPES by Governor Mark Sanford*

*Gov, Sanford doesn’t actually write these horoscopes.
We just think he is a man of vision.

Gemini “They’re doing wonders with prosthetics these days.”

Now that your son is grown, it’s both safe and sociably Nah, too optimistic. “Pain is temporary, what’s important
acceptable to use his old “Preemie Pal” home incubation is that the scarring will be minor.” No. I’ll put it like this--
system to steam vegetables. Oh! Hey, Scorpio. Um, I’ve got some ...interesting news!
Just curious, how long have you been standing there?

Cancer
Watch yourself on tour! I remember when my shag band
used to tour the globe and those wild nights after the
show. Seems like I left a small piece of myself behind in
every town. ...I wonder how little Kumumba, Nyeung Po,
and Jean-Deaniel de Lupierre Sanford are doing these
days.
Sagittarius
Bad news: decades of leisure on Hilton Head have turned
your hide the consistency of a melanoma-specked
saddle. Good News: That tennis skirt just earned you
the cover of this month’s Bitter and Leathery Magazine.

Aries
You will consider moving back to Columbia after an
extended absence and will spend a week in town to get
the new “lay of the land” ...only to find that it’s your ex-
wife.
Taurus
Ladies, when considering tattoo placement, please
take the long-term ramifications into account. Getting a
butterfly on your lower back may seem like a good idea
today, but, as a wise man once said, when you become a
senior citizen it’ll look like you sat in an ice cream cone.
Leo
Introduce a new word into the English lexicon today. I’ll
go first: SunCom v. to malfunction suddenly. “Sorry I was
late, my car SunCommed in the middle of Gervais and I
had to have it towed.”
Virgo
Boo! Creepy foot doctor!
Libra
I dropped the ball last week, which unfortunately led to
a huge mess at the lunch club. But, jeez, it should’ve
gone without predicting that you can’t wear a white suit
and sit next to Temple Ligon when he’s ordered a large
double latte!
Scorpio
“Don’t worry I’m sure it’s curable.” No, I need to be frank.
Capricorn
Your new Xylitol-enhanced, cavity fighting pizza is tasty
(if slightly unnerving). I can deal with the minty flavor, but
the sparkly aquamarine sauce has got to go.
Aquarius
I need a political favor, 3 month-old Aquarius baby. A
big ugly dude named Tommy Moore will pose with you
for a photo op. If you soil him on camera--your choice
of orifice and substance-- I’ll raise preschool funding by
10%. Heck, I may even put air conditioning in a Corridor
of Shame school to sweeten the deal. ...Nah.
Pisces
Global Warming, the Crisis in the Middle East, Nukes
in Iran and North Korea?! Where is Larry Flynt in these
trying times? I need to see Anne Coulter naked, stat!

JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS “Etouqpets”

--sending a crossword gimmick the wrong way.

50 Completely wrong 29 Mizrahi who groped Scar-

by Matt Jones
Across
1 Skip class
6 Prepares pretzels
11 First part of an incomplete
stepquote by Rudyard Kipling
14 Milo who played Supreme
Court Chief Justice on “The
West Wing”
15 Oil change unit
16 That, in Tijuana
17 Frank Zappa album “Burnt
___ Sandwich”
18 College junior, say
20 It may be out on a limb
21 Went after the worm
22 Author of a book “As Dic-
tated to Barbara Bush”
23 Pumbaa’s cartoon buddy
25 Part 3 of stepquote
26 Late stage actress Hagen
28 Paper contents
30 Certain Muslim
32 ___ & Telescope magazine
33 Do what Bob Barker reminds
us to do to our pets
37 Rakes in
38 Part 5 of stepquote
39 Creeping you out
40 Frisbee, to pros
41 Blackberry, e.g.
42 Covered with red ink
43 Climb back up again
46 “Little ol’ me?”
47 Part 7 of stepquote
48 America, cheesily
52 Do something lett Johansson’s breast at the
53 Couple, in the tabloids 2006 Golden Globes
56 Tiny European bird 31 Hipster set
58 Not real subtle 34 Like some ejaculations
59 Noted visitor from the planet 35 Sony line of robotic pets
Melmac 36 He’s abominable
60 Complete 38 Part 6 of stepquote
61 ___ man argument 39 Prefix for morph or skeletal
62 Part 9 of stepquote 41 Type of instrumental piece
63 “The Cider House Rules” popularized by J.S. Bach
director Hallstrom 42 Part of MIT
64 Throat-clearing noises 44 Something nice to look at
45 Game that uses 24 cards
Down 47 Part 8 of stepquote
1 With 3-down, words that 49 Colin who played the dad
should go at the end of the in “Nanny McPhee”
stepquote 50 “She’s quite ___!”
2 “Got it” 51 Do nothing
3 See 1-down 52 “Pocket rockets,” in Texas
4 Opening for meter or grade Hold ‘Em
5 Silo store 54 Big cheese in Holland
6 Look without sunglasses 55 Tiny kitty noises
7 Parental sister 57 Some Bible versions: abbr.
8 Wee little guy 58 Miss., Ala., etc., once
9 All shaking and stuff
10 Bowling or baseball term ©2006 Jonesin’
11 Part 2 of stepquote Crosswords(editor@jonesin-
12 Lou’s “La Bamba” costar crosswords.com)
13 Lymph ___ For answers to this puzzle,
19 Made one’s lips all shiny call: 1-900-226-2800, 99
21 Make sleep cents per minute. Must be
24 Wrestler’s spots 18+. Or to bill to
25 Part 4 of stepquote your credit card, call: 1-800-
26 Auto designation 655-6548. Reference puzzle
27 Cuisine that includes pad see #0268.
ew
Su|do|ku & Jokes, we got em!
BREAKING NEWS: NEW
FONTS AT FREE TIMES
J S
ust a week after Dan Cook of Free Times
broke the riveting story of Portico Pub-
lications’ office move, Cook’s investiga-
tive reporting within his own office con-
tinues.
Ole’ Danny Boy is relentless.
This past week, while reporting on Free Times’
newspaper redesign, he quotes an anony-
mous source on the grueling process of se-
lecting a new font:
“This one looks too frivolous,” someone
would say.
“That one looks too stuffy,” was the verdict
on another.
Who is this masked man, this anonymous
talker, this “Deep Throat” at Free Times?
Heck, Cook’s protection of his inside source is
the kind of risky, aggressive journalism you’d
expect to see in an alternative newsweekly.
But our inside source at Free Times tells us
that Cook -- yes, Cook! -- is the one that those
new delivery boys refer to as Deep Throat.
As for the redesign, Free Times made sig-
nificant changes.
The paper moved the classified section to
the back of the book like virtually every other
newspaper in existence. (That middle-of-the-
book classified experiment was friggin’ mo-
ronic!)
Cook may have also obtained the first
document of his journalistic career: the Co-
lumbia City Paper media kit.
Our media kit contains headers that are
eerily similar to the new Free Times article
headers. Cook’s ability to review the docu-
ment he obtained didn’t stop there. It’s clear
su|do|ku Puzzles by Pappocom
citypaper August 2, 2006 21
media
Five Points Pity Page
truggling with its own identity, South
malarkey
Carolina entertainment weekly Free
By Paul Blake
Times milked an alleged car-jacking
incident last week all the way to the City
Paper’s crime watch.
Staff writer Ron Aiken reported to the
Columbia City Police that a woman said
someone was chasing her and he let her
he noticed that CCP carries SuDoKu, as well as our mention of “where classified are supposed to
be.” (The answer: not the middle of the book! That’s friggin’ moronic!) into the car at which point she pulled a
Unfortunately for Cook, making his paper look more like Columbia City Paper doesn’t change gun on him. The alleged incident oc-
the fact that the Free Times cover stories are still sophomoric. Case in point: writing on bathroom curred after 2a.m. in close proximity
stalls. (That’s friggin’ moronic too!) to Martin Luther King, Jr. Park, an area
Since Free Times is clearly taking suggestions from City Paper, here are a few more:
1. Write an interesting cover story every now and then. Re-running a feature story on frequented with prostitution and drug
Jimmy Carter that appeared in Mother Jones months earlier is well, uh, lame. deals.
2. Stop overcharging your advertisers. They know what you’re doing. We tell them. Advertising Director Kerry Powers
3. Find a permanent position for Jim Small. He deserves it. Suggestion: How about
Dan Cook’s job?
and Senior Account Executive, Shan-
4. Don’t tell your readers to call the theater for show times for Monetta Drive In and non Arthur were quick to capitalize on
Columbia Grande. You do it. The whole point of having movie times is to provide the incident, announcing it to business
them to your readers. Idjits. owners in attendance at the Five Points
5. Stop rehashing news from The State newspaper. That newspaper is almost as bad
as Free Times. Association meeting just before mak-
6. Buy Dan Cook a phone. ing a sales pitch for the Free Times Five
7. Get another source besides SCHotline.com. Points advertising page. No word yet on
8. Kill the golf page. That’s friggin’ moronic. whether the publicity will cause adver-
9. Start calling Brett Bursey for quotes every week again. It is embarrassing that you
haven’t spoken to him since City Paper detailed his past dealings. tisers to spend inflated ad rates on the
10. Enough with the special sections. People are starting to catch on to the endless ineffective page in the paper.
advertising schemes. And, uh, in case you didn’t notice: No one is falling for Sidelines.
Congrats on the new fonts, though. It’s a start. But, just remember: sprinkling a dog turd with talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
glitter and tying it off with a bow doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a dog turd.
22 Advice citypaper August 2, 2006

In-town Properties
2144 Wallace Street….Located
in historic Cottontown. Perfect
for investor…Pre-listing opportu-
Savage Love
nity…1600+ sqft bungalow...3b/1b,
corner lot, hardwoods, sunroom, new
windows, exterior recently painted.
Priced for investor @ $160,000.

4404 North Main Street…Great

commercial opportunity, duplex lo-
cated in the heart of Eau Claire, mul-
This home is begging for a new owner tiple uses high traffic area. Within
planned N. Main renovation proj-
ect.... Property needs major reno-
vations. Priced for investor @ $85,000. BY DAN SAVAGE
I’m a 100 percent straight guy from Toronto, VGL, all that
1303 Florence Street…Classic Earlewood Bungalow, completely renovated,
hardwoods throughout, archways, smooth ceilings, granite countertops, site 1929 Marion shit. My girlfriend took me to a gay bar in Vancouver, where
built cabinets, updated electric, HVAC, and plumbing. 2200 +- sqft….All new
kitchen and baths...View of Earlewood Park from front door...$222,900. Street she’s going to school, and this good-looking boy started
coming on to me. My girlfriend asked me to make out with
him because she thought it would be hot. Long story short:
105 Promentory Court…New construction in developing, upscale, “intown” He came back to her place with us where he acted as my
Woodhill Crest subdivision...Great open floorplan in cul-de-sac...4b/5b...ready
in mid- July...$599,000. 803-513-5511 personal fluffer. He blew me while I ate the girlfriend, stroked
me after I put the condom on, and in general did everything
The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation he could to keep me rock hard—for the girlfriend. Then I
Call Chris Barczak Broker for609 Greenwich
a showing or Street, Newdetails.
additional York, N.Y. 10014
513-5511 fucked the hell out of my girl while my fluffer licked my balls
For Information
In the House Realty specializes in representing Call: or
clients seeking 1-800-972-3550
selling property in the and ass. I never came so hard in my life. I thought I was
high demand, downtown market. going to shoot a few vertebrae right out of my dick. I want
For Release Tuesday, December 20, 2005 to do this again, my girlfriend wants to do this again, and
my personal fluffer wants to do this again. No real problem
here, Dan, but do you think I should turn in my straight-guy
card now?
Boy Into New Orgasmic Ways
Edited by Will Shortz No. 1108 No, BINOW, I don’t think you should turn in your
ACROSS 34 Clutch 62 “La Bohème” 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 straight-guy card—but only because this scenario will be a
1 Poisonous heroine lot less horny for your fluffer if you start identifying as bi. I
37 Chinese author 14 15 16 would have to turn in my fag card if I ruined this for him. So
plants ___ Yutang 63 Bit of sunshine
you can keep telling your fluffer you’re 100 percent straight,
7 Letters for 38 Placing (and a 64 Practical 17 18 19 he can keep pretending to believe you, and your girlfriend
Letterman hint to the first 65 Direction wagon can keep enjoying the show. Don’t thank me—send video.
10 “Right now!” words of 17-, trains headed 20 21 22

14 Discordant 24-, 47- and 66 Alias 23 24 25 26 27

60-Across) 67 Nebraska river Hi, I am a 21-year-old female in a loving relationship.
15 Cry heard in a My problem is that I never come during sex. My boyfriend
bullring 41 Stool pigeon 28 29 30
takes it personally. The only time I ever have an orgasm is
16 Small jet maker 42 Out of style DOWN 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 while using a vibrator or a faucet—it doesn’t even happen
17 Place to test 43 Dull drills 1 Greeted, as the when I play with myself manually. I’ve been told that it’s a
aerodynamics New Year 38 39 40 psychological thing. Or it could have something to do with
44 2,000 pounds my past. I was raised really Christian and for a long time
19 Isaac s eldest 2 Central New
46 Telepathic letters York city 41 42 43 I felt guilty about my sexual desires. Why is it so easy for
20 Bakery gizmo everyone else? I want to have a healthy sex life, not just
47 Skinny Minnie 3 “Water Lilies”
21 One of the
44 45 46 while I’m alone but with men. What should I do?
painter Feeling Unbecoming
Lennons 51 Funnyman
Sandler 4 Mario of the 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54
22 Broadway Indianapolis 500 While I’m naturally inclined to blame just about any
background 55 Offbeat 55 56 57
5 Hipster sexual or social dysfunction on a conservative Christian
23 Hoopster 56 Some 6 Like half-melted 58 59 60 61
upbringing, FU, I’m afraid that we can’t pin your issues
Archibald shortening snow on bible thumpers. Most women—75 percentish—can’t
24 Kukla or Ollie, 57 Brazilian soccer come from vaginal intercourse alone, and a large number
7 Arthur ___ 62 63 64
e.g. legend of women can’t come from manual stimulation alone either.
Doyle We’ve covered this before, but it bears repeating: Lots of
65 66 67
28 Give it a go 58 Amorphous 8 It s not 100% women need additional, focused, intense, direct clitoral
30 Employ more mass this or that Puzzle by Gail Grabowski and Nancy Salomon stimulation—you know, the kind of buzz you get from your
employees 60 Author s 9 French 33 Vestibules 45 Gossip unit 53 Alaskan native vibrator and faucet. It’s not a psychological thing, FU,
31 Glass marble success seasoning it’s a physiological thing, and the sooner you accept that
34 Dogfaces 46 Ultimately 54 Singer Haggard your body needs those extra boosts—and the sooner you
10 Is in dreamland
35 Hosp. staffers becomes incorporate them into your lovemaking—the sooner you’ll
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 11 Aviator in 58 Upscale auto
search of bugs 36 Count of 48 Dickens s “___ initials start coming during sex.
S P A T S A I L M I R E D candles on a House” Here’s what you do: While your boyfriend fucks you,
12 Battery size 59 Practice tact, go at yourself with your vibrator. Show him how you get
I O T A E B R O Y O U R E cake
N U T C R A C K E R S U I T E 13 Robert Morse 49 Cushy course perhaps yourself off. Then hand him the vibrator and tell him he can
Tony-winning 39 “___ in there!” be a baby about it and sulk, or be a man about it and get
A N Y H O W S W A T N E D 50 Know-how 60 Playtex offering
role 40 Come to terms the job done. And if he wants to do it all with his dick, send
I D S W A C S P I T for less jail time, 52 Blue-and-white 61 Immigrant s
18 PBS benefactor him to the Couples’ Vibrators section of www.babeland.
A S T R O S Q U A T S say earthenware subj. com, where he’ll find a selection of vibrators he can wear on
A M A T E E L S U R I A H 22 Potluck get-
togethers his cock. You can have a healthy sex life that incorporates
B O L T F R O M T H E B L U E vibrators, FU; you just have to make peace with the way
R A T I O N O R A A S T A 25 Face, slangily For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a your body works.
26 Some credit card, 1-800-814-5554. Hey, Everybody: So it looks like I’m going to start doing
A T O L L S S A T I N
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Post Local citypaper August 2, 2006 23

Really Free Classified Ads From Columbia’s Only Locally Owned Alternative Weekly
www.columbiacitypaper.com
For Sale
‘94 Blue Honda Civic 4 Door!
Has been well maintenanced
throughout the years and runs
great. 162,000 miles. Body and
interior of car are in great con-
dition. Very reliable car! Please
call 803.240.2990.
2006 KAWASAKI NINJA ZX-
10R $9,750.00
Sat Jul 01 03:13:48 GMT 2006
World’s fastest production
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ranty, 803.749.7090
Various Sizes of brand new
Gamecock tennis shoes. Very
cool! Call: 803-530-9474 for
details.
TWIN LOFT BED
Excellent Condition, Wooden
Frame, Very Sturdy, Futon or
Small Couch Will Fit Under-
neath. Great way to gain more
space!
$120 or best offer
. home if you’re just curious to
PITBULL PUPPIES FOR SALE.
$125 males and females. Black
with white markings. Mother
& father both on yard. Father
pure Chinaman bloodline,
mother 3/4 Chinaman and 1/4
Jeep bloodlines. (803) 251-
4422. Ask for Antwon
Personals
hello! i’m a light skin black
male 5’7, 146 lbs. with hazel
eyes, and curly black hair
that’s drama, drug and disease
free.. as of right now, i am a
student majoring in criminal
justice in hopes of becoming
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meet someone with the same
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or is pursuing a career in law
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respond free at columbiacity-
paper.com
Services
Can’t afford a Full-Time
Admin?
Let me take care of your busy
work.
Errands, Typing, Call Return
Service and more.. Call for
more information 803.600.6044
A new t-shirt with a Columbia,
SC issue each week!
www.weeklytissue.com
DNA Testing
Meds
803-939-8422
Full service drug screening and
Take home testing available.
Licensed Massage Therapist
#4326 In home appt. for the
same $$ as a spa! Call Elaine
at 397-3429
RELIEVE STRESS & tension
with a head to toe massage
by Tim. CMT. In/Out calls. Call
803-318-2691 for appt. CMT
#1843
Employment
CCP needs
advertising sales representa-
tives. Performers will average
20 percent commission. call
803-446-3458 This is a com-
mission only position.
Housing
301 WHALEY ST.
2BR duplex, newly renovated,
CH/A, hdw floors, new appli.,
dishwasher, garbage disposal,
ice maker, $600/mo. Avail. in
July 1st. Call 803-414-2990
Are you looking to buy or sell a
home? I can help you with any
home in cola. and surrounding
areas! I can also give you a
FREE market analysis of your
know what it is worth! call me
any time Lynn Madden Century
21 @ 318-5176
3b/2b brick home in lloyd-
woods s.d.fenced yard 79,900
call lynn madden century 21
@318-5176
little over 1800 sq. ft. 3b/2/
with 2 car garage, FROG,
fenced back yard in exclusive
neighborhood. Springdale
area, Hampton Crest S.D. call
lynn madden century 21 @
318-5176
approx.1650 sq. ft. building on
main strip in gaston. can live
in back and run business in
front seller is very negotiable
call lynn madden century 21 @
318-5176
2400 sq. ft. approx. 4b/2b
fenced garage can be home
or office building call lynn mad-
den century 21 @318-5176
3b/2b home for sale in gilbert
on 1.75 acres. doll house style
with wrap around porch call
lynn madden century 21 @318-
5176
2144 Wallace Street….Lo-
cated in historic Cottontown.
Perfect for investor…Pre-list-
ing opportunity…1600+ sqft
bungalow...3b/1b, corner lot,
hardwoods, sunroom, new
windows, exterior recently
painted. Priced for investor @
$160,000.
513-5511
4404 North Main Street…Great
commercial opportunity, du-
plex located in the heart of Eau
Claire, multiple uses high traffic
area. Within planned N. Main
renovation project.... Prop-
erty needs major renovations.
Priced for investor @ $85,000.
513-5511
1303 Florence Street…Classic
Earlewood Bungalow, com-
pletely renovated, hardwoods
throughout, archways, smooth
ceilings, granite countertops,
site built cabinets, updated
electric, HVAC, and plumb-
ing. 2200 +- sqft….All new
kitchen and baths...View of
Earlewood Park from front
door...$222,900.
513-5511
105 Promentory Court…New
construction in developing, up-
scale, “intown” Woodhill Crest
subdivision...Great open floor-
plan in cul-de-sac...4b/5b...
ready in mid- July...$599,000.
513-5511
Musicians
Wanted
Christian Band looking for
drummer and lead guitarist.
Influences Third Eye Blind,
Better than Ezra, Cutless, etc.
Call Kevin at 803-413-4888.
BASS LESSONS Personal
bass instruction for beginners
and intermediate players. Les-
sons exclusively from bassist
Mike Mahoney with over 30
years of live, studio and tour-
ing experience. In your home.
Call for scheduling, rates and
refernces. 803-528-1860
NEW PRIVATE LESSONS
studio. Exp. teacher cur-
rently accepting students on
all instruments to take weekly,
biweekly or monthly lessons.
Call 803-699-2590.
Exp. singer seeking for a work-
ing acoustic/blues/modern
rock band in Columbia area.
Exp. and/or musical ablities
a plus. call Frank @ 843-337-
5384.
DRUMMER, BASS PLAYER
& Lead Guitar Player look-
ing for Rhythm guitarist to
complete Beatles/ 60s & 70s
psychedelic rock cover band.
Call Bobby 803-553-9022.
GUITARIST AND BASS needed
for recording project. have
songs. pop/country ballads.
want to send to publishers.
need good players that can
learn songs quickly and play
them well. 260-1769
RETRO-INDIE BAND SEEK-
ING... energetic vocalist to
complete local project. Call
917-3778
METAL/HARD CORE BAND
seeking lead guitarist. Call
803-730-3390 lv msg.
PROFESSIONAL BASSIST
MIKE
FROST former student of
JACO PASTORIUS, available
for performances, recording
and lessons. All styles, all
levels. mcfrost.com, karmic-
tiempo.com 803-644-8655, cell

Gym memberships only EVERY NIGHT IS A DEAL AT LOUIE’S

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Tues
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1710 Main Street, Columbia, S.C. 803-929-0037