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AMERICAN CARNAGE
The First Hundred Days Trilogy

By Jared Michael Delaney

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“This American carnage stops right here and right now.” - Donald J. Trump, in his inaugural
address, 1/20/2017

“When Trump said 'American carnage,' we're guessing he didn't mean the heavy-metal
tour.” - Tracey Brown, Los Angeles Times, 1/20/17

CHARACTERS:

Mark, Caucasian, congressional aide, early 30s

Marc, Caucasian, congressional aide, early 30s.

Michelle, African-American, late 30s-early 40s.

The Senator, White Dude, late 50s-early 60s.

SETTING:

An office.

TIME:

The present.

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The action of the play occurs over the course of one day.

A congressional office. Sparse, but well-furnished. Two desks, one perpendicular to the other, a
couple of chairs, perhaps a plant of some kind. Maybe a copier. An American flag hanging limply
from a stand. Well softly lit. It looks like a place of serious work, professional, well-intentioned,
well-considered. There is a door, upstage right.

As lights rise, we see MARK sitting at the desk, dressed as preppy as professionally possible.
He is clean-shaven, hair perfect, with an ID tag around his neck he wears as proudly as a Medal
of Honor. He is working at his laptop as well as jotting things down in a notebook. It is early
morning.

We see him alone for a moment or two. Then without warning, the door bursts open and MARC
comes hurtling in. He is a mirror image of Mark in dress, manner and appearance. Mark doesn't
even look up.

MARC: (out of breath) Holy. Fuck.

Mark still doesn't look up.

MARC: (noticing, louder) Holy fuck!

Mark doesn't respond.

MARC: (louder still) HOLY FUCK!!

Mark doesn't respond. Marc stands non-plussed. He puts his hands on his hips in frustration
and then bangs his hand down on the desk.

MARK: Jesus! What?

MARC: Didn't you hear me?

MARK: I couldn't. I had my new wireless micro ear-buds in!

He proudly pulls them out of his ears and displays them like a father showing off his children.
But they are so small that they effectively cannot be seen. May as well be a flea circus.

MARC: Oh my god. I can't believe you got these. I want them so much. They just came out
today right?

MARK: I was first in line for them at 5 am.

MARC: You lucky bastard. These are compatible with the new X-series 13s?

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MARK: You know it bro.

MARC: Awesome dude!. How much?

MARK: Dude. Best part. Only $600.

MARC: (whistling) Man, are you serious? That's a steal!

MARK: This is what I'm saying.

MARC: Can I take a look?

MARK: Of course bro!

He "hands" the ear-buds to Marc, who marvels at them.

MARC: They must be so comfortable. Can't hardly feel them at all.

MARK: I know, right? You can't even tell that they're in the all-clear packaging when you get
them.

MARC: Their marketing is genius.

MARK: Seriously. We need to think about that kind of branding for the election. It's all about
presentation.

MARC: (still marveling at the ear-buds) Truth.

MARK: So what's up?

MARC: Huh?

MARK: Why did you come in here all buzzing and slamming?

MARC: Fuck. Right. Almost forgot. Did you see the press conference?

MARK: No. I was busy working on the remarks for tonight's fundraiser. And listening to the new
Beyoncé.

MARC: She's like a visionary, dude.

MARK: I know it. So you were at the press conference yeah?

MARC: Yeah. The Senator got asked about the staff.

MARK: What about the staff?

MARC: About whether or not he has any people of color working for him.

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MARK: What?

MARC: He was asked if he had any people of color on the staff!

MARK: We don't have any colored people working here.

MARC: I think it's "people of color."

MARK: What?

MARC: You said "colored people," I think it's "people of color."

MARK: Yeah but "colored people" is more efficient than "people of color." One less word.

A beat.

MARC: That's so smart, dude.

MARK: (shrugging with faux humility) It's all about efficiency, bro.

MARC:(taking mental notes) Right, right.

MARK: So what did he say? The Senator?

MARC: Right. Dude, check this: he said we did.

MARK: He said we had people of color on staff?

MARC: (gently correcting) "Colored people". Efficiency.

MARK: (ignoring this) We don't have any.

MARC: I know bro! And that's not all that he said.

MARK: What else did he say?

MARC: He told the press that they will see said colored persons tonight at the dinner with him
as part of his entourage.

MARK: (rising up) He didn't say that.

MARC: He did, man. It's all over cable news. They're playing it in like a loop. All the anchors and
pundits are talking about the Senator is finally going to show he has escaped the state's history
and that progress doesn't mean giving up one's conservative values.

MARK: Holy fuck.

MARC: Right?

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MARK: Ok. Ok. So. Ok. No problem. We just have to find a person of color to hire before the
fundraiser.

MARC: Can we do that?

MARK: Of course we can! We're his top aides aren't we?

MARC: Yeah we are, but--

MARK: What time does he have to be at the dinner?

MARC: (checking his paperwork) By about 7:30.

MARK: What time does he speak?

MARC: (checking again) About 8:30.

MARK: Ok. Ok, cool. We can do this. What time is it now?

MARC: (checking his hugely-faced watch) 8:31.

MARK: Awesome. We can get this done. We have 12 hours.

MARC: It's less than that, dude.

MARK: What? You just said he's speaking at 8:30.

MARC:(holding his watch up to Mark's face) Yeah. And now it's 8:31.

MARK:(admiring the watch) Fuck man. That thing is massive!

MARC: (proudly) Right? At the store, they said you could use the face to signal passing
airplanes in case you get lost in the jungles or desert or wherever.

MARK: Man that is so smart.

MARC: Be prepared bro. That's what it's all about.

MARK: Totally. How much?

MARC: Dude. Only $750.

MARK: So good man.

A beat wherein they high-five each other.

MARK: Ok, you grab the employment files. See if there was any one we didn't consider that
matches what we are looking for.

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MARC: Yeah I'm on it. What about you?

MARK: I'm gonna call around to the other committee members' offices. See if they have
someone we can borrow.

MARC: Awesome. Good plan.

MARK: We got this dude.

They high-five again. Marc heads of the room, pulling at his cell-phone as he does.

MARC: Carol, it's Marc. I need to meet down in the file room. Five minutes.

He gives Mark a thumbs-up and heads out. Mark picks up his own phone and calls.

MARK: Cathy? It's Mark. I have a question about your staff...

Lights fade.

SCENE 2:

Lights rise on the same office. It is later that same morning. Maybe around 11 a.m. A well-
dressed African-American woman is sitting in the one of the office chairs. She sits very still in
the chair a moment, then launches herself up and walks around the office, looking at the desks,
the walls, etc. She's trying to understand what she's doing here. She pulls out her phone,
checks the time and shoots off a text (to a friend presumably, saying "What the fuck am I doing
here?"). Just as the text sends, the door opens and Mark & Marc walk in.

MARC: Hi!

MARK: Hi!

They rush over to shake her hand.

WOMAN: (cautiously) Hello.

MARK: It's so great to meet you. Thanks for coming over to see us at such short notice.

WOMAN: It's not a problem. I'm just not entirely sure--

MARC: Did you have any trouble getting here?

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WOMAN: What?

MARC: Did you have a hard time finding the place?

WOMAN: (puzzled) I...well...I mean, I work in this building.

MARC: So no trouble then?

MARK: (ignoring him) You work down in the Solicitor's office, is that correct?

WOMAN: Right, yes.

MARK: And what is it you do there?

WOMAN: Ah...well, I help out with the various assessments and evaluations that come through.

MARK: What's your title exactly?

WOMAN: Chief Associate.

MARC: (good-naturedly stupid) So like a secretary?

WOMAN: Excuse me?

MARK: Don't listen to him.

WOMAN: What is this all about?

MARK: (offering a hand) I'm so sorry. We haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Mark.

MARC: (holding out his hand as well) I'm Marc.

MICHELLE: (confused) Really?

MARC: What?

MICHELLE: Both of you are named Mark?

MARC: (correcting) "Marc."

It sounds exactly the same.

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: (over-pronouncing) "Marc."

MICHELLE: "Mark."

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MARC: No! Ha. Close. (Slowly) "Marc."

MICHELLE: (incredulous) "Mark."

MARC: It's tough. "Marc."

MICHELLE: I'm sorry, what am I saying incorrectly?

MARC: You're not pronouncing the "c."

MICHELLE: What?

MARK: (jumping in) What's your name?

MICHELLE: (looking askance at Marc) Michelle.

MARK: It's nice to meet you, Michelle.

MICHELLE: (unsure of any of this) Thanks.

MARC: That's a lovely name. You were named after the First Lady?

MICHELLE: What did you say?

MARC: After Michelle Obama?

A beat.

MICHELLE: I'm 38.

MARC: Is that right?

MICHELLE: Michelle Obama is 53.

MARC: Awesome.

MICHELLE: (baffled) If I'm 38, how could I be named after--

Marc stands smiling blissfully.

MICHELLE: (to Mark) What's with your boy here?

MARK: It's really hard to say.

MICHELLE: Listen, I have work to do. What is this? What do you want?

MARK: Yes, right, of course. We are the top aides to the Senator.

MICHELLE: You two are.

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MARK: That's right.

MICHELLE: Mark and Marc.

MARC: Hey! Nailed it that time!

MARK: Shut up Marc. Michelle, we were wondering if you'd like a new job.

MICHELLE: A new job.

MARK: Yes.

MICHELLE: Doing what?

MARK: (looking at Marc. They hadn't gotten this far yet) Well- uh--how about---um--

MARC: (with joyful inspiration) Chief Strategist for the Re-Elect Committee!

MICHELLE: What?

MARK: (whirling to Marc) What?

MICHELLE: Chief Strategist?

A beat. Mark and Marc fumbling a bit.

MARK: Ah...yes. We...ah...we think you'd be a great addition to the campaign.

MICHELLE: Why?

MARK: What's that?

MICHELLE: Why would you want me for the position?

MARK: Well, because we---ah--

MARC: We've been very impressed with the work that you've been doing.

MICHELLE: In the Solicitor's office?

MARK: Yes! Exactly.

MICHELLE: A minute ago it sounded like you didn't know what I did there.

MARC: We were just being coy.

MICHELLE: Uh huh.

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MARK: The point is, Michelle, we think you could really be an asset to our team.

MICHELLE: So you want me to be the Chief Strategist for the Senator’s re-election campaign.

MARK: Well, in actuality—

MARC: That’s exactly it.

MICHELLE: You understand that this isn't like anything I've ever done before.

MARC: We do, but we think you're pretty dope.

MICHELLE: What?

MARK: (quickly) You came highly recommended to us.

MICHELLE: By whom?

MARC: (gently correcting) "Who."

MICHELLE: No, honestly. Are you like, ill or something?

MARC: No, turns out it was only temporary.

MARK: Cathy recommended you.

MICHELLE: Carol.

MARK: Carol. Yes, sorry.

A beat.

MICHELLE: She did?

MARC: Absolutely! 100 percent. She couldn't stop talking about you.

MICHELLE: Like what?

MARC: Hmm?

MICHELLE: What did she say?

Marc turns to Mark, who gives him a look saying "You're on your own."

MARC: Well. She said. That. Ah. You're great.

MICHELLE: With what?

MARC: With...your...dog?

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A beat.

MICHELLE: That was really sweet of her to say that.

MARC: (with palpable relief) That's what we thought too!

MARK: The point is Michelle, we're impressed with you. And your work. And the Senator wants
you to come work for him.

A beat. Michelle considers.

MICHELLE: What kind of access to the Senator would I have?

MARK: Well--we'd talk about--

MARC: Unfettered!

Mark gives Marc a look that would stop a charging grizzly.

MICHELLE: Unfettered access?

MARK: Ah well, I mean...of course! Ha. How else would you be able to serve the Senator?

MARC: You'd have his ear! Not literally of course, but--

MICHELLE: And I'd be part of shaping the message coming out of this office?

MARC: Yes! Of course! We all together in this.

MARK: You'd be a valued member of the team whose voice would be heard.

A beat. Michelle says nothing and walks away from the pair of Marks.

MARK: Michelle, let me be frank: we need you. Your ideas are the thing this campaign needs to
kick it into a higher gear. It's what is going to help us be a new, vital part of this Congress.

MICHELLE: The Senator's been in office for 22 years.

MARK: An even newer, more vital part of this Congress.

MICHELLE: And there's a pay bump from my old job?

MARC: Absolutely!

MARK: Of course!

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MICHELLE: Because, I have to tell you, it would be a great start for the Senator's new image if
he brought on a new female staffer and paid her as much as...I don't know...like whatever you
guys make.

Mark and Marc look blank for a moment. And then start laughing. Michelle stares at them both.

MICHELLE: Or I could just walk. And tell the press how you two tried to shoehorn in a woman of
color in the last minute before tonight's event to cover your boss's ass.

They stop laughing immediately.

MICHELLE: You think I didn't know what this was really about? We've got CNN on in the
Solicitor's office all day. She's got a weird thing for Wolf Blitzer.

MARC: Oh man, do I get that.

MICHELLE: Same pay. Or I'm out.

A pause. Mark looks at Marc, who shrugs.

MARK: Yeah, ok.

MICHELLE: And I'm keeping that title. Chief Strategist.

MARK: Right.

MICHELLE: And the unfettered access.

MARK: Fine.

MICHELLE: Excellent. Thanks boys. It's gonna be a pleasure.

She shakes Mark's hand, looks at Marc with pity and then heads out. A pause.

MARC: (grinning) Well. I gotta say. That couldn't have gone better. Problem solved.

MARK: How do you get through the day?

MARC: Well first thing, my alarm goes off around 6--

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: (hurt) Bro- please. How many times do I have to ask you? Pronounce the "c."

Mark stares at Marc.

Lights fade.

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SCENE 3:

Lights rise. Back in the Office. Later that day around 1pm. Mark & Marc are furiously both typing
at their desks. The office is looking a little worse for wear. Some signs of a take-out lunch are
scattered about. As the play progresses, the office looks worse and worse.

MARK: How are you coming with those remarks for this afternoon?

MARC: (not looking up) Um. They're fine. I guess.

MARK: Let me hear what you've got so far.

MARC: Right now?

MARK: Yeah. Now. Let's go.

MARC: Yeah. Um. Sure.

He stands up hesitantly, bringing his laptop up with him in his hands. He clears his throat.

MARC: (reading) "My fellow Americans- it is a great honor to be with you here today. The things
that this institution has stood for, for so long, truly does honor to us all as Americans. Therefore,
we must continue to strive forwards, as Americans, to further these actions, these goals, these
dreams!"

As Marc continues to read he gains more confidence, eventually putting on quite a show. Mark,
on the other hand is thoroughly unimpressed.

MARC: "As citizens of these United States, it our duty to strive, to reach out for the wand, to
take the torch and fan the fire of liberty so that it spreads like a disease across the nation. For
who are we, but stewards of this country? Americans who stand like brothers-in-arms for those
justices which have for too long been denied us. And yet, as I look forward to an American
future, when the power of the people and the people of power work together as one thing. One
mashup of freedom! To quote Janis Joplin 'Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose'
and surely we have plenty to lose still. As Americans. As folks. As yolks. As Americans. So stand
tall and stand strong. (Singing in the style of that country song) 'God bless the U-S-A!'"

He finishes with a flourish, perhaps breathing a little heavily. He holds his final position for a
while, like a basketball player following through with his free throw. Mark sits, head on hand, just
staring out. A pause.

MARK: "Baton."

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MARC: (still holding his position) What?

MARK: You don't pass a wand. You pass a baton.

MARC: (not getting it) What?

MARK: This isn't fucking Harry Potter. There's no wands. Baton. You pass a baton.

MARC: Geez, ok.

MARK: And why do you use the word "Americans" six times?

MARC:: Cause it's a great word!

MARK: Cause it's a great word.

MARC: Yeah! I mean, I've got the best words.

MARK: You sure do.

MARC: Fine. What else is wrong with it then?

MARK: Ok. How about this? Why would you want to spread anything "like a disease."

MARC: I was just demonstrating the speed and level at which these ideas--

MARK: (cutting him off) Do you know of any disease in which the spreading of it is a good
thing?

MARC: Well, I mean. Not as such, but--

MARK: (cutting off again) And what are these "ideas" you're talking about?

MARCL What do you mean?

MARK: We work together and I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

MARC: Hey! This is good stuff!

MARK: Uh huh. It's also vague stuff. Circular stuff. Double-speak stuff. Bullshit stuff.

MARC: Bro, I admit that the finer details of policy aren't--

MARK: There are NO details of policy. (A beat) Do you know what the event is today?

MARC: What? Of course I do.

MARK: You do.

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MARC: Yes! Of course.

A beat.

MARK: What's the name of the organization that's hosting the event?

MARC: (as if he hadn't heard) hmm?

MARK: The name of the organization the Senator is speaking to this afternoon.

MARC: The..uh...the Society of--ah---

MARK: You can do it.

MARC: Ah...Urban...Citizen Knowledge Seekers.

A pause.

MARK: So. S.U.C.K.S. That's the name of the group.

MARC: (somehow thinking he got it right) Hey! They don't suck.

MARK: It's Americans for Urban Development, you fucking idiot.

MARC: Dude. That's basically what I said.

MARK: Right. The point is, bro, you said something without actually saying anything. Do you
understand that?

MARC: Whatever man. Let's hear yours then, if you're so much better.

MARK: That's not what I was working on dude! I was going over the Senator's itinerary for the
night. Trying to see if we could dodge the press if we needed to.

MARC: Why would we need to dodge the press?

MARK: Because of earlier today! Because about what he said about the staff?

MARC: So what? We hired Michelle. Isn't that what the point was?

MARK: Yes, but I still don't want him to have to answer questions.

MARC: Why not?

MARK: Remember what happened in Iowa last year?

A beat.

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MARC: Oh. Yeah. When he told the Iowa Corn Growers' Association that he loved putting
ethanol on his salads.

MARK: Exactly. The Senator isn't great on his feet.

MARC: (suddenly noticing Mark's shoes) Damn. Not like you are, dude. Look at those kicks!

MARK: (with pride, kicking his foot up on the desk) Thanks for noticing. Only $800.

MARC: (whistling) Whew. Steal.

MARK: You know it man.

He carefully wipes the toe of his shoe with a shirtsleeve, handkerchief, tissue, whatever is
handy.

MARK: Point is, we gotta control this shit.

MARC: Right right yeah.

A beat.

MARC: Hey! Let's have Michelle do it.

MARK: Do what?

MARC: Write the remarks. She'll know what to say.

MARK: Why?

MARC: (as if it's obvious) Dude. She's urban.

MARK: You're not wrong.

MARC: C'mon man. I know that.

MARK: I wanted her to be more of a visual aid, you know?

MARC: Yeah bro I know, but if we are hiring her for the staff and we promised all these things
like titles and access, we should just give her something. Right? So she stays in the fold. We
get all kinds of coverage this way.

A beat.

MARK: (wary). Yeah maybe.

MARC: Or I could keep working on the speech if you'd prefer.

MARK: I'll let her know she's got an assignment.

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MARC: Cool, ok.

He returns to his desk. The office is silent for a moment.

MARK: "Like folks. Like yolks"?

MARC: I was drawing a metaphor with needing to break eggs to make an omelet, because
everybody likes omelets so---

MARK: I don't care.

Marc, rebuffed, goes silent. Mark dials his phone.

MARK: Michelle? It's Mark. (A beat) K Mark. Yes. Listen we've got something for you to work on
right now...

Lights fade.

SCENE 4:

Mark comes bursting into the office, which looks worse still. Michelle comes in behind him, with
much greater calm.

MARK: What the hell was that?

MICHELLE: What was what?

MARK: What was that promise you made?

MICHELLE: I didn’t make it. The Senator did.

MARK: You wrote it for him!

MICHELLE: He didn’t have to say it.

MARK: He says whatever is on the teleprompter. He once told a group of senior citizens that he
was a Boy Scout at one time, just like they are now.

MICHELLE: Well then. Maybe he should proof-read.

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MARK: That’s what he pays me for!

MICHELLE: “Us.”

MARK: What?

MICHELLE: He pays “us.” Not just “you.”

MARK: Right.

MICHELLE: What are you complaining about? The speech was a huge hit. People loved it. He
got a standing ovation!

MARK: By telling Americans for Urban Development that he(consulting the papers in his hand)
“wouldn’t rest until a good part of the federal budget was allocated to building new recreation
centers in areas of urban blight and to clean those areas up until we can see our faces in the
reflection.”

MICHELLE: I admit it’s a little clunky, but overall its not bad.

MARK: He was supposed to talking about how smaller budgets would require more “creative
thinking.”

MICHELLE: Now they don’t have to be creative. Now they have the money. Or they will,
anyway.

MARK: Michelle- I know you’re new to this still—

MICHELLE: When was the last time you saw the Senator get that kind of response?

MARK: That’s not the point.

MICHELLE: Of course it is! Don’t you want people to vote for him? Taking better care of these
communities will help do that.

MARK: But this isn’t the Senator’s position. It’s not the party’s position!

MICHELLE: The party’s position sucks.

MARK: You also made a promise for funding we don’t have!

MICHELLE: We will though.

MARK: We will.

MICHELLE: Yes.

MARK: How?

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MICHELLE: By not building that new military base in the state.

MARK: Hold on now! That base is a centerpiece of the Senator’s agenda.

MICHELLE: Yeah. But we don’t need it.

MARK: Yes, we do.

MICHELLE: Nah not really. It would be built out in the middle of nowhere, it would cost
taxpayers millions for something they don’t want and we already have 3 bases in the state.

MARK: 4, if you include the Coast Guard training station, I’ve been lobbying for.

MICHELLE: We’re a landlocked state.

A beat.

MARK: Sometimes there’s flash floods though.

MICHELLE: If those funds were earmarked to help the urban citizens—

MARK: Most Americans aren’t urban citizens.

MICHELLE: Of course they are. More people collectively live in cities that in rural areas. That’s
what makes them rural.

MARK: But military support—

MICHELLE: You’re not going to lose military support by doing this. A lot of enlisted men and
women come from those rough city neighborhoods. You don’t think they'd like to come back
from their tours of service seeing that their homes aren’t in worse conditions then the countries
they just left? You can’t buy that kind of support.

MARK: Yeah but—

MICHELLE: But what, Mark? But what?

Mark opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. At that moment, Marc comes
hurtling into the room.

MARC: (breathless) Jesus! Why did you leave me there with those wolves?

MARK: How’d it go?

MARC: How’d it go? Are you serious? Look at my tie!

He holds up his tie, which looks like it was ripped in two.

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MARK: Shit, dude. What happened?

MARC: I was surrounded by reporters. You know? Like in zombie movie when the zombies
surround the hero, cause they’re zombies, right? And all they want is meat.

MARK: Yeah.

MARC: Yeah! It was like that! Except they were all screaming questions at me. “Has the Senator
changed his position on urban development?” “What about the proposed base?” “Is the Senator
trying to sway the black vote?”

MICHELLE: Those all seem legit to me.

MARK: What does that have to with your tie?

MARC: Dude. I had to keep whirling around. Like literally whirling.(he demonstrates his whirling)
Like this, right? To try to keep up with them. And then on, like, a quarter-whirl or so, my tie got
caught on someone’s microphone somehow. But I didn’t see it! And when I whirled again, the
thing just tore up the middle.

MICHELLE: Like a treaty with Native Americans.

MARC: Yes! That’s exactly it. I’m so bummed about it.

MARK:(feeling the tie remnants with his fingers). Man, I’m sorry. This is good quality material.

MARC: Italian silk, dude. Imported.

MARK: Nice! How much?

MARC: Got it for a song, dude. $1,000.

They hi-five.

MICHELLE: Yeah, what a bargain.

MARK: How did you leave it with the gaggle?

MARC: They ended up mostly asking questions about tonight’s fundraiser. And Michelle.

MICHELLE: About me?

MARC: Yeah! They were asking if you were the sole director of policy for this office now.

MARK: What did you say?

MARC: I didn’t say anything.

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MARK: What does that mean, you ‘didn’t say anything’?

MARC: (very dramatic) It means I didn't say anything! I couldn't! They were surrounding me so
much I couldn’t breathe. I burst out through the middle, gasping for air. Like being reborn!

Mark & Michelle look at each other, unsure of this metaphor.

MICHELLE: Know a lot about the birthing process do you?

Marc hesitates a moment.

MARC: Well. Yeah. I mean. It was a tight squeeze, you know. Like coming out through…you
know.

MICHELLE: The vagina?

MARC: Ah dude!

MICHELLE: What’s the problem?

MARK: The Senator doesn’t like that word to be used.

MICHELLE: The man who actively opposes Roe v. Wade doesn’t like the word ‘vagina’ to be
used?

MARK: It’s complicated.

MICHELLE: Not really, no.

MARC: Plus it’s just a gross-sounding word.

MICHELLE: Excuse me?

MARC: Like “moist” or “tubular.”

MICHELLE: “Tubular?”

MARC: (shuddering) Oh god.

MICHELLE: But seriously though, is there something wrong with you?

MARC: Nothing that’s been diagnosed. Why?

MICHELLE: No reason.

MARK: Michelle, the point is—

MICHELLE: The point is that this is going to do wonders for the Senator’s standing amongst
minorities.

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MARC: Is that something we care about?

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: What?

MICHELLE: It can’t hurt, Marc with a C.

MARC: I guess.

MARK: Clear changes with us first, from now on, all right? We are technically your bosses.

MICHELLE: Right. Sure thing.

MARK: We were planning a flash poll after this speech today, so we will see how your changes
hit the constituency.

MICHELLE: Great.

MARC: Yeah, we’ll see.

MICHELLE: Marc.

MARC: What?

MICHELLE: Vagina.

MARC: (grossed) Aw, come on, man.

Lights fade.

SCENE 5:

Lights rise. The office is really looking more and more like a mess. Mark is sitting at this desk,
phone in his hand. It's bout three o’clock.

MARK: You’re kidding me. Uh uh. …really? But what about—right. Yeah. Right. Oh god man,
really? I can’t go to him with—are you sure about the numbers? You’re sure about the numbers.
Yeah. Yeah! All right, yes. I’m not yelling at you! (His voice is certainly a little raised) Well do you
want to tell the Senator—yeah, that’s what I thought. We’re gonna have to cancel the event. He
can’t! He can’t speak at the fundraiser that’s gonna be full of financiers and hedge fund people
with these—they won’t back him! They will tear up their checks! Well what do you know? You’re
a pollster. I’m his Chief Strategist! …what do you mean “that’s not my title?” Where did you—
CNN. Yup. Got it. Thanks for nothing, Marq. No I’m not gonna pronounce the “q!”

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He hangs up with a bang. Marc enters.

MARC: Oh man oh man, everything is golden!

MARK: What?

MARC: Dude, everything is set!

MARK: You have a way to cancel the fundraiser?

MARC: Huh? No.

MARK: Then what are you talking about?

MARC: I finally got reservations at that all-meat restaurant the National Review has been raving
about, “Endangered.” It’s got all that super-rare meat.

MARK: Marc—

MARC: “Rare” as in “hard-to-find,” not like “barely cooked.”

MARK: Marc—

MARC: It’s a la carte and you have to pay in advance.

MARK: Marc—

MARC: It’s only two grand though, so it’s totally worth it.

MARK: Marc, shut up!

MARC: Whoa! What’s with the aggression, dude?

MARK: We need to get the Senator out of the fundraiser tonight.

MARC: What? Why?

MARK: Because the press will be there.

MARC: So?

MARK: So they’ll ask him about the flash poll.

MARC: The one we just put out?

MARK: Yeah.

MARC: That was fast.

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MARK: That’s why it’s called a “flash poll.”

MARC: Huh. Learn something new every day. So what’s the problem?

MARK: The problem is the numbers. Since that speech this afternoon, the Senator’s approval
amongst upper-income whites has cratered.

MARC: What about upper-income blacks and other minorities?

MARK: That’s not really a thing.

MARC: Right, dude. My bad.

MARK: The press will absolutely ask him about the poll.

MARC: They already know about it?

MARK: It was leaked right away.

MARC: Man! Where is the little Dutch boy with his thumb up his butt, am I right?

MARK: What?

MARC: You know. The fairy tale. How the kid stuck his thumb up his butt to stop the leaking.

MARK: What kind of leaking would that be, exactly?

MARC: What?

MARK: Who told you these fairy tales?

MARC: Our live-in nanny, Rosita.

MARK: Rosita.

MARC: Yeah, it was her going-away present to us.

MARK: Her what?

MARC: Yeah when we were kids, my mom said Rosita had been stealing jewelry and so she
had her deported. The night before she left, she told us all these traditional folk tales. Like
“Snow White”, about the white woman who kept 7 Mexican children as slaves and “Jack and the
Beanstalk” about the kid who picked so many green beans that his fingers fell off.

MARK: Uh huh.

MARC: Yeah. Tough to sleep after hearing them. I’ll tell you that.

MARK: I bet.

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MARC: And turns out my sister was the one stealing the jewelry, ha. So lesson learned! Just like
in those stories. Pretty prophetic, in their way.

A beat. Mark just stares at Marc, who smiles beatifically at him.

MARK: Point is, I don’t want the Senator answering questions about falling approval numbers
amongst the demographic he is asking for money!

MARC: Right, right. So what should we do? I think it’s too late to cancel.

MARK: I don’t know, bro.

MARC: Besides, bro, this was where we needed Michelle to be. If we cancel it’ll look really bad
on the color front.

MARK: Right. The color front.

They sit there at a loss.

MARC: Ok, what if he doesn’t show?

MARK: I thought you just said we're couldn’t cancel.

MARC: I didn’t say cancel. I said what if he doesn’t show.

MARK: What?

MARC: We say the Senator’s ill and get Michelle to speak in his place. That way, we still get the
color coverage we need—

MARK: Color coverage.

MARC: And the Senator doesn’t have to answer questions about poll numbers we’d rather he
didn’t.

MARK:(warming to the idea) Plus we show how smooth the sailing is. That the campaign and
the Senator’s office work like a Swiss watch, without missing a beat. (Admiringly) Not bad, Marc.
Not bad at all.

MARC: Thanks dude.

They hi-five.

MARK: All we gotta do is make sure Michelle stays on message.

Mark looks out, fear in his eyes.

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MARC: Like in “The Three Little Pigs Who Lost Their Affordable Housing Due To The Capitalist
Wolves”?

Mark turns to look at Marc.

MARC: That shit is terrifying, bro. You know.

He holds out his fist, as if for Mark to bump it. Mark does not.

Lights fade.

SCENE 6:

Later still. The office is almost utterly in shambles. Michelle comes in the office, briskly, feeling
good. Mark & Marc come hustling in behind her.

MARK: What was—

MARC:—fuck, dude!

MARK: That was fucked! We are fucked!

MICHELLE: What is the problem?

MARK: What’s the problem?

MARC: What’s the problem?!?

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

MICHELLE: Yeah Marc. Shut up.

MARK: You crossed way over the line, Michelle.

MICHELLE: How? For telling the truth?

MARK: That’s the single biggest sin in American politics!

MICHELLE: Maybe that’s why American politics sucks ass.

MARC: She’s not wrong.

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

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MICHELLE: All I did was say something that everyone already knows.

MARK: You cannot, you can not, go out on behalf of the Senator and call his party racist!

MICHELLE: Well, first of all, they are. Second of all, I didn’t use that word. You did.

MARK: You may as well have!

MICHELLE: How?

MARK: How?

MARC: How?!?

MARK: Shut up, Marc!

MARC: Sorry.

Marc busies himself looking at his phone.

MARK: (reading of a transcript he has in his hand) “The Senator recognizes that there is a
troubling lack of diversity in the membership of the party and believes strongly that we should
stand together to correct this, to make it a party of inclusion, not exclusion.”

MICHELLE: Yeah, and?

MARK: And that’s not calling the party racist?

MICHELLE: No. If I had said, “Hey all you rich honkies, why don’t y’all let some black folks up in
this piece,” that would’ve been racist.

MARK: Oh my god.

MICHELLE: In a couple of ways, now that I think of it.

MARK: We are trying to get money from these people, Michelle!

MICHELLE: And you’re still going to get it, Mark! Shame is an amazing motivator.

MARK: Michelle—

MICHELLE: This was a public event! And donor records are also public! Of course they’re
going to give money! They won’t risk being outed as racists. Or potential racists. Or casual
racists, or whatever. Giving money saves face and allows them to all pretend how progressive
they all are, when really all they wish is that Woodrow Wilson was still in the Oval Office.

MARC: The League of Nations was kinda cool though.

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MICHELLE: (rolling her eyes) Yeah and the original Birth of A Nation was a great movie.

MARC: Oh! I’ve never seen that. Should I put it on my Netflix que?

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: Oh, is it on Amazon?

MARK: Marc.

MARC: Oh, gotcha. It’s Hulu, right?

MICHELLE: This is a good thing, Mark. You'll see.

MARK: Yeah? And what the fuck am I supposed to tell the Senator about tonight?

MICHELLE: Tell him he raised a shit-ton of money and to be grateful.

MARK: Yeah, that’ll go over real well.

MARC: (looking at his phone) Guys—

MICHELLE: There has never been, in the history of the world, a politician who cared more about
policy than about money.

MARK: Well that’s pretty cynical of you.

MARC: Guys—

MICHELLE: Cynical? Aren’t you the one who hired me so there’d be a token black face on the
staff after the Senator made his blunder this morning?

MARK: What blunder?

MICHELLE: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe pretending to care about people that don’t look like him?

MARK: How dare you—

MARC: (shouting) Guys!

MICHELLE/MARK: (whirling to Marc) WHAT?!?

MARC: The Senator is on his way down. He wants to talk to us. All of us.

The three of them stare at each other. Michelle throws up her hands and goes and sits and
Mark’s desk. Mark is slightly gobsmacked, so he then goes and sits at Marc’s desk, who looks
askance that this. Michelle and Mark stare at each other, a test of wills.

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MARC: Uh…dude? That’s my desk. Real Brazilian deforested-rainforest wood. Only cost
$11,000 though, so I figured “what a bargain!”. But still—

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

Lights fade on this tense little triangle.

SCENE 7:

Just a couple of moments later. Mark is pacing back and forth. Michelle is still at Mark’s desk.
Marc is carefully polishing his own desk. Michelle watches him do this with a kind of bored
disdain.

MICHELLE: What are you doing?

MARC: What do you mean?

MICHELLE: I mean, what are you doing?

MARC: I’m taking care of my desk.

MICHELLE: Why?

MARC: Because! This is going to be valuable some day.

MICHELLE: I thought you said it cost eleven grand.

MARC: Yeah?

MICHELLE: Isn’t that valuable?

MARC: (snorting) Ha, heh, you know, when you know something about furniture, come to me.
Until then—

MICHELLE: So it’s important to you that you keep it clean.

MARC: Obviously.

MICHELLE: (looking around the room) But you’re cool with your office looking like a trailer from
Tornado Alley.

MARC: You know what? I find that offensive.

MICHELLE: Oh yeah?

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MARC: Yeah. How would you feel if I said your office looked like Hurricane Katrina?

MICHELLE: (enjoying this) Well, to begin, mine doesn’t, cause you know, I keep my work place
like an adult and not a frat house.

MARC: (alarmist) Offensive!

MICHELLE: And secondly, if this looked like Katrina, it would be covered in mud.

MARC: (sincerely) Oh yeah. I suppose that’s true. Probably be really wet too.

MICHELLE: See Marc? You’re getting it.

MARC: (beaming a little) Thanks Michelle.

MARK: For the love of everything holy, will you two shut the hell up? The Senator is on his way!

MARC: Oh right.

MICHELLE: It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.

MARK: You’re gonna get fired for this, you know.

MICHELLE: Am I?

MARK: Absolutely.

MICHELLE: I’m not even sure I finished all the employment paperwork since you hired me this
morning.

MARK: What does that mean?

MICHELLE: It means that this has only been a few hours. My boss in the Solicitor’s office
probably doesn’t even know I’m gone yet. So I’m good. I will have a job to go back to. You two,
however…

MARC: What about us two?

MICHELLE: Well. If the Senator doesn’t like what he’s seen so far, then, you know.

MARC: Know what?

MICHELLE: Shit’s gonna get rouuugh, son.

MARC: Mark- are we gonna get fired?

MARK: Did you have to get him all riled up like that?

MICHELLE: Do you think if you take him for a walk it may calm him down?

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MARC: I don’t want to get fired. How I will finish paying off my teeth-whitening?

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: (flashing a bright smile) Hey! Pearlies like these don’t come cheap, know what I’m
saying? Although I think fifty thousand is pretty good—

MARK: We’re not getting fired.

MICHELLE: Teeth-whitening?

MARC: Sure! It’s important if you’re gonna be on television.

MICHELLE: (skeptical) You’re gonna be on TV?

MARC: Absolutely! Pundits make a lot of money. And don’t have to do a lot.

MICHELLE: Hard to argue with that.

MARK: We are NOT going to be fired! When the Senator gets down here—

At that moment, the door booms opens. The Senator walks in. An older, distinguished white
man, looking impeccable in his suit. He is professional. He is authoritative. He is in charge. And
has been. For a long long time. Marc, Mark and Michelle stand up.

MARK:(with some nerves) Senator. Good to see you, sir.

MARC: Hey Senator. How’s things?

The Senator gives Marc a withering look. He walks over to Michelle.

MICHELLE: Good evening, Senator.

SENATOR: Good evening…Michelle? Is that correct?

MICHELLE: Yes sir.

SENATOR: It's a pleasure to meet you.

MICHELLE: And you, sir.

SENATOR: Especially considering you’ve been acting as my spokesperson for the last 12 hours
or so and you and I have never had a single conversation on any of my positions or policies.

MICHELLE: Yes sir.

SENATOR: And yet, you feel qualified to speak on my behalf.

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MICHELLE: Yes sir. I do.

SENATOR: And may I ask why?

MICHELLE: Because I do my research. Because I come prepared.

MARC: Were you a scout too?

SENATOR: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: Yes sir.

SENATOR: What kind of research would that be?

MICHELLE: Well sir—

MARK:(quickly jumping in) Senator, if I may, Michelle is new here and—

SENATOR: And she was hired because I said we had people of color on staff.

MARK: Yes sir.

SENATOR: And we don’t.

MARC: (almost like a game show host) We didn’t! But we do now!

SENATOR: Shut up Marc.

MARC: Yes sir.

SENATOR: Since you hired her to correct my mistake, I’d like to know what research she has
done. So Mark?

MARK: Yes sir?

SENATOR: You shut up too.

MARK: (fuming a bit) Yes sir.

Mark takes a step back next to Marc, who gives him a look to say “Who’s in trouble now?” Mark
gives him a whack.

SENATOR: So, research?

MICHELLE: Yes sir. You’ve been re-elected by the people of this state four times.

SENATOR: Yes, they've shown a great deal of faith in me. And loyalty as well. It’s an honor to
serve them.

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MICHELLE: I’m sure it is. But in the last election the margin of victory was 5800 votes.

MARK: A win is a win is a win.

MICHELLE: Actually not every win is a win is a win. In the previous election, the Senator won by
more than 32,000.

MARC:(whistling) whew!

Mark and the Senator turn to look at him.

MARC: What? It’s just more than I thought.

SENATOR: So the gap is narrowing.

MICHELLE: Yes, sir. It is. Do you know why?

MARK: The electorate often shifts a bit here and there—

MICHELLE: It’s not just a shift, sir. Your state is evolving .

SENATOR: How so?

MICHELLE: The demographics, sir. Increasingly, we are seeing a younger, more diverse
population, young people who want to be a part of their own governing, people who want to see
faces like theirs in office. That’s why your margin of victory was smaller. And if you want to be
elected again, if you like being a senator, you need to start speaking to those people. Or you’re
going to lose.

MARK: Sir- there is no evidence that the state is leaning more to the left than—

MICHELLE: Let’s be clear here, Senator. This isn’t about politics. In a very real way, it’s not
about party. It’s about numbers. It’s about reality. The constituents who made up your base?
They’re dying. They're moving. They are growing fewer in number. The rest of your
constituency? Younger. More educated. More diverse. All kinds of colors in there.

MARC: And they all like to have sex with each other.

MARK: Jesus, Marc.

MARC: Well they do!

MICHELLE: Yes, they do. You know why? Cause sex is a good thing. Cause we all like it.
Because they don’t want people telling them who to have it with. Or telling their friends. Or their
family.

SENATOR: What’s your point?

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MICHELLE: My point is, that you’re still a young man. Hell, in congressional years, you’re barely
a teenager. You could be in the Senate for 30 more years, if that’s what you want. But if you
want that, if you want to keep representing this state and its people and do right by them? You
need to make a new base. You need to talk to those people out there who are cutting your
winning tally each election like a redwood tree.

MARC: It’s illegal to chop redwoods.

MICHELLE: Thank you, Marc.

MARC: You’re quite welcome, Michelle.

MICHELLE: Senator, your state is changing. The world is changing. If you want to be a part of
that change and to influence what happens in it, you need to change with it.

A pause. The Senator looks around the office and then moves over to Marc’s desk, sits on the
edge of it. Marc makes a move to do or say something about it. Mark stops him.

MARK: (whispering) Let it go.

SENATOR: So. Michelle.

MICHELLE: Yes sir.

SENATOR: What do you suggest I do?

Michelle looks over to Mark, who is glowering with controlled rage. He gives her a small nod that
say “Don’t do it.” She looks at the Senator.

MICHELLE: Senator- you should come out strongly for the Urban Areas Reclamation bill. It will
bring much needed funding to the inner cities of this state that are full of blight and decay.
Buildings and homes that are literally falling down. Trash lining every street so much that it clogs
the storm drains like leaves do in the suburbs. There aren’t any trees in the neighborhoods I’m
talking about so that’s not much of an issue.

MARC: Maybe we should start an initiative to have more trees planted in cities.

MARK: Shut up M—

MICHELLE: That’s actually pretty smart. Huh.

A beat. Everyone turns to Marc.

MICHELLE: That was a good idea, Marc.

MARC: (beaming) Thank you so much. And thank you for producing the “c”. It’s such a relief to
my ears.

MARK: What do you mean, “it’s a good idea”? No it’s not.

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MICHELLE: This is perfect. Not only do you come out for this bill, written by two democrats, but
you add an amendment calling for the the planting of…I don’t know…what? 100,000 trees to be
planted in urban centers.

SENATOR: Well—

MARK: WAIT A MINUTE! Excuse me, Senator. This is not a good idea. First of all, he can’t
endorse a bill written by Democrats.

MICHELLE: Sure he can.

MARK: He can’t! And secondly, why would he put forth an amendment for trees for fuck’s sake?
That’s absurd!

MICHELLE: No. It’s not.

MARK: Yes it is. What does it cost? What neighborhoods get them? How is that decided?
People in cities don’t like trees! That’s why they moved to cities! They don’t like leaves on their
cars, roots breaking their sidewalks, fucking—-fucking…I don’t know—tree sap on their
windows!

MICHELLE: What?

MARK: People don’t want them.

MICHELLE: That’s asinine.

MARK: Senator—

MICHELLE: Senator, think about this: It’s a win-win. Trees improve neighborhoods aesthetically,
they actually help with pollution by absorbing carbon dioxide and releasing oxygen, they give
derelict areas a sense of life. Landscaping makes a difference. Appearance makes a difference.
(Directing the next comment to Mark) Hence my being here today. If someone’s home looks
good, they want to work to keep it that way. They want their neighborhood to stay that way. It
creates community involvement by default. A better-looking neighborhood has less crime, less
vandalism. If it looks like people care about it, people will care about it. It’s that simple. By
putting forth an amendment like this, you say you want to help cities and the environment and
reduce crime. How can you lose?

MARC: Everyone likes a cleeeeean ‘hood, amirite?

He goes to fist bump Michelle who walks away from him without even acknowledging the
gesture.

SENATOR: Yes but—

MICHELLE: You never have to say the words “global warming.” Just say you like trees and you
think they’ll benefit urban areas and citizens. Who’s gonna argue with that?

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MARK: The entire party.

MICHELLE: It’s not just the party that votes.

MARK: Senator, if you pursue this idea, it goes against your own party’s platform. They will
groom a candidate to replace you. To challenge you in the primary.

MICHELLE: Not if you propose something that actually benefits people.

MARC: Plus they can make their syrup for pancakes!

Everyone looks at Marc.

MARC: What? It comes from trees, doesn't it?

MARK: What about working with democrats, sir? Think how that’s gonna play.

SENATOR: Yes. That is a concern, Michelle. A real one.

MICHELLE: Senator, you’re not stupid. If you were, you wouldn’t have been in office this long.
People are sick of party lines. Of partisan politics. They want people to reach across the aisle
and shake another hand. So what if you work with democrats? On a bill that helps thousands of
citizens? People will respond to that willingness to work with the other side.

MARK: Sir, this is a mistake.

MICHELLE: No sir. It will improve your legacy.

A beat. The Senator walks away, considering, but clearly being swayed by Michelle’s points.

MARK: Senator, let me make one last argument to this plan: money. Fundraising. Your biggest
donors have no interest in bills like this. They like bills that help make them money. And then
they give you money. That’s how you stay in office. Because the people with the money let you
stay. This bill? It doesn’t do anything for them. It helps people they don’t care about. You do this,
and they will run you out on a rail. You won’t get meetings. You won’t have lunches. Your calls
will not be returned. And every rural citizen who supports you and your policies will feel you
have left them. Why isn’t there a “Rural Reclamation Act,” they’ll scream. And they will abandon
you. In droves.

MICHELLE: Then you propose that bill next.

MARK: Tough to do that when no one takes your calls.

MICHELLE: You don’t know that.

MARK: How long have you been doing this job?

Michelle says nothing.

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MARK: Well I’ve been doing this for 10 years. So it might be that I know what I’m talking about.

A beat. They stare at each other.

MICHELLE: Senator, be bold.

MARK: Senator— be smart.

A pause. They look expectantly at the Senator.

SENATOR: They say boldness wins the day.

Michelle looks triumphant and Mark looks defeated.

MICHELLE: Yes, they do sir.

SENATOR: All right, Michelle. Start drumming up some support from party colleagues. It will
help our position if we can find a few others on our side willing to back this.

MICHELLE: Yes sir.

SENATOR: Make it sound like it’s from me, not from you. Is that clear?

MICHELLE: Yes sir.

SENATOR: Mark?

MARK: Yes Senator?

SENATOR: Draft up some language for my support for this bill. I’m going to want to present it
before the rest of the Senate.

MARK: Sir, if I may—

SENATOR: Just do it, Mark. Or shall I ask Marc to take over?

MARC: Huh? What?

MARK: No, sir. I’ve got it.

SENATOR: Very good. Thank you all. Try to work together as a team, all right? Let’s present
something of a united front.

He turns to leave.

SENATOR: And clean up this office. It’s not a frat house.

MARC: You know, Senator, it’s funny you should say that. At my fraternity, we didn’t—

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SENATOR: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: Yes sir.

He leaves. A pause.

MARK: Well.

MICHELLE: Well.

A beat.

MARK: Ha, ok. Get ready.

Mark turns to walk out the door.

MICHELLE: For what?

Mark stops.

MARK: This is NFL. The hits come a lot harder and a lot faster than they do on tv.

MICHELLE: I can take a hit.

MARK: (shrugs) That’s what they said about Drew Bledsoe.

He goes to leave.

MARK: But I’m sure he has enjoyed watching Tom Brady win all those Super Bowls.

He leaves. A beat.

MICHELLE:(quietly to herself) I can take a hit.

She leaves. Marc is left alone. More than a little baffled.

MARC: Am I supposed to clean this up myself?

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SCENE 8:

Lights up. The office is utterly in shambles, but for a different reason. This time, Marc, while
attempting to “clean up” has taken to rearranging the office furniture. It looks like chaos. There
are boxes and books and papers everywhere. Michelle walks in and hardly notices the mess.
She walks in, finds a chair, throws whatever is on it across the room and sits down in a huff.
Simultaneous to her throw, the debris hits a sleeping Marc, buried under the rubble, so to speak.

MARC: (bolting awake) I’m here! I’m up! I’m ready!

Michelle jumps in surprise.

MICHELLE: Jesus! What the fuck?

MARC: Huh? What? Huh?

MICHELLE: Dammit, Marc with a C. You scared the fuck out of me.

MARC: (still kind of asleep) Right. No, I’ve got it. What?

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: Sorry. Sorry. I kinda passed out.

MICHELLE: What happened in here?

A beat.

MARC: I was cleaning.

MICHELLE: With a snow-blower?

MARC: (excitedly) Oh man I got a super-industrial one with twin-hurricane engine dynamics.
Only cost—

MICHELLE: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: Yup.

She sits back down in a slump.

MARC: What’s up?

A beat.

MICHELLE: I just took a pretty big hit.

MARC: A what?

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MICHELLE: I mean I’m screwed.

MARC: How so?

MICHELLE: Well. So far, I haven’t been able to convince one member of the Senator’s party or
any of his colleagues to co-sponsor the bill.

MARC: No one?

MICHELLE: Nope. Republicans think it gives to much away and Democrats don’t want to be
associated with a bill sponsored by the opposition. So that’s pretty much that.

MARC: Ok. So what’s next?

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: What’s next? What do we do?

MICHELLE: Nothing. There’s nothing to be done.

MARC: Well, we gotta do something!

MICHELLE: Like what?

MARC: Well I don’t know Michelle, but you’d better figure it out! We’re all gonna lose our jobs if
you don’t!

MICHELLE: Hey! I’m gonna be fine! The Solicitor’s office—

MARC:..is not gonna take you back.

MICHELLE: What are you talking about?

MARC: After you left, the Senator came back in here, looking for the contact for your old boss.
Told them you were a wonderful hire and that they wouldn’t be getting you back. Regardless of
circumstance.

MICHELLE: Meaning what?

MARC: Meaning that if you’re fired from here, you don’t have a job. So. You know. Work it out.

MICHELLE: Thanks Marc.That’s a huge help.

MARC: Hey! I’ve got my own shit to worry about! I can’t find the thesaurus!

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: That’s how this mess got started! I was trying to clean up, Mark called and asked for
another word for “obstructionist” and I said I had no idea and I started looking for the thesaurus!

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MICHELLE: Don’t you have the latest magic phone? I presume you must.

MARC:(a little cocky) Girl, you know I do! I waited on line for a full 96 hours to get this baby—

He pulls an enormous phone out from somewhere.

MICHELLE: There’s a thesaurus on it.

MARC: No way.

MICHELLE: It’s a basic function.

MARC: Ah, that explains it.

MICHELLE: Explains what?

MARC: I always ask for the most “non-basic” model they have.

Michelle looks at him blankly.

MARC: What?

MICHELLE: Ok, I need to solve this problem. How can I get people to be on board with this
plan?

A beat.

MARC: What if you just announce that you already have?

MICHELLE: What?

MARC: What if you hold a press conference and say that Senator So & So and Senator What’s-
Her-Name have agreed to work on a bi partisan effort to support the Tree Bill—

MICHELLE: Tree Bill?

MARC: Or whatever. Just say they’ve already done it. People do that all the time.

MICHELLE: They do?

MARC: Sure. Yeah. I think so. I’m pretty sure. ...actually, now that I think on it, I may have seen
that on an episode of The West Wing.

MICHELLE: The West Wing. That’s great, Marc. Thanks a lot.

MARC: It’s so good, right? I have a thing for Martin Sheen.

A beat.

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MICHELLE:(struck with inspiration) But I can do something else—

MARC: Hm? What?

MICHELLE: (with excitement) I can do something else!

She runs over to Marc and plants a kiss on his cheek, much to his surprise. She runs out of the
room.

MARC:(dreamily touching his face) Whoa. Awesome.

Lights fade.

SCENE 9:

Later. Mark comes bursting into the office. He’s in a rage. The place is still a train wreck, but
perhaps slightly less so. His cellphone won’t stop ringing and continues to do so throughout the
scene.

MARK: (bellowing) MARC!

No response.

MARK: MAAAAAAAARC!

Nothing.

MARK: (walking over and kicking Marc’s desk repeatedly) Marc! Marc! Marc! Marc!

Marc comes in frantically, wearing an apron of some kind, yellow gloves that you clean with and
brandishing a bucket, mops and brooms.

MARC: What? Jesus! What?

Mark is continuing to kick the desk.

MARC: Hey stop that!

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He rushes over to Mark to try to stop him, but he gets tangled up in the gear he is carrying and
he tumbles down, taking Mark with him in a heap.

MARK/MARC: (overlap) Get off! Stop it! Move! (Ad-lb, etc)

They finally extricate themselves from each other and face off.

MARK: Where is she?

MARC: I don’t know! Don’t kick my desk!

MARK (approaching Marc with some threat) Tell me where she is!

MARC: (brandishing the broom/mop like a weapon) Don’t come at me like that and I’m telling
you I don’t know where she is! Why? What did she do?

Mark stomps alway from Marc.

MARK: GODDAMNIT!

Marc has never seen Mark quite this worked up before. He summons some courage and
fortitude.

MARC: Mark, take a breath, ok? Don’t hit my desk and don’t hit me. Tell me what’s going on.

Mark shuffles himself around and gathers his thoughts. The phone is still ringing.

MARC: Dude—you wanna get that?

Mark pulls out his phone, looks at it glumly, silences the ringer, put its away.

MARK: She fucked us royally.

MARC: What did she do?

A beat.

MARK: She went through the donor records of the Senator, cross-referenced them with the
donor lists of the other senators in the party. She looked for corporate donors with ties to
manufacturing and construction. She then took that list and looked for names that have
associated with environment lawsuits of one kind or another.

MARC: (understanding this isn’t going to be good) Ok...

MARK: Apparently, she then proceeded to call the chiefs of staff for each of those senators. Told
them that if their bosses didn’t get on board with this Tree Bill, she’d broadcast to all the major
cities in their states how they have actively accepted funding from companies and individuals

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who are in violation of federal environmental law. That they were raiders of the planet and have
a vested interest in keeping people in urban areas in a lower strata.

A beat.

MARC: Well. I mean. That’s true, isn’t it? Like, kinda common knowledge, I thought.

MARK: Jesus Marc! Yes of course it is! But we want that to be something people sort of “know”
without “knowing,” do you get what I’m saying?

MARC: Woke.

MARK: We don’t want people woke. Whatever the fuck that means.

MARC: I think it means being “awakened” in a social justice sense of the word, even though it’s
not grammatically—

MARK: Shut up, Marc.

MARC: (summoning some courage) No.

MARK: What?

MARC: I said no, Mark. You can’t keep talking to me like this. It isn’t right.

MARK: I’m talking about us—us—losing our jobs, and you’re...what? Talking about your feelings
being hurt?

MARC: I just think that if we could find a way to work together a little bit more...cohesively, we
could solve more problems!

A beat.

MARK: Yeah? Ok. Let’s hear it.

MARC: What?

MARK: Let’s hear it. Let’s hear you solve the problem.

A beat. Marc sputters but doesn’t say anything.

MARC: Well. Ah. I mean, I don’t have my—like—my notes or anything.

MARK: Right. Sure thing.

His phone rings again. He picks it up and yells at it.

MARK: SHUT UP!

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MARC: Who keeps calling you?

MARK: Who do you think? Staffers from virtually every other senator in the party! Demanding
Michelle’s head. AND mine. And the Senator’s!

MARC: (with some disappointment) Not mine?

MARK:(ignoring him) They’re demanding that we get our house in order over here.

MARC: Ok, well, how do you want to—

At that moment, Michelle walks in, a little worse for wear. She doesn’t even notice the Marks at
first.

MARK: Hey—

Michelle doesn’t respond. She knocks a bunch of stuff out of the way and sits down.

MARK: Hey I’m talking to you.

MICHELLE: (looking up, hearing him for the first time) What?

MARK:(approaching her) Genius. Fucking genius, that was.

MICHELLE: Don’t start.

MARK: Don’t start? Is that a joke? After the bullshit that you just pulled? Don’t start?!?

MICHELLE: Mark—

MARK: YOU CAN’T BLACKMAIL MEMBERS OF THE UNITED STATES SENATE!

A beat.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MARK: You can’t Michelle. What do you think this is? A movie from the 1960s? Where you can
force people to do the right thing? It doesn’t work that way!

MICHELLE: I was trying to—

MARK: It doesn’t matter. Absolutely none of whatever ideals you were trying to espouse
matters! You went after the only thing they care about!

MICHELLE: What? What little integrity they have left?

MARK: Fuck integrity! You think that any of them care about laws? Or rules? Or justice? Are
serious? MONEY, Michelle. All they care about is money. And you threatened the gravy train.
You absolutely, without question, cannot threaten the gravy train.

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MICHELLE: Then how can you get anything done? How can you help people?

MARK: Jesus, you’re such a rookie. Let me fill you in on a dirty little secret, Michelle. Being in
Congress? Either House or Senate? It’s a job. That’s it. That’s all it is, in the end. A goddamn
job. We work jobs to MAKE. MONEY. That is the sole purpose of work. To make money. And
you don’t stop the money. Ever. You wanna know the truth? Here’s the real truth: most people in
government, in either party, don’t give a fuck about the things you care about. Or the things I
care about. Sure, there actual racists and misogynists, sure there are actual liberal warriors and
snowflakes and all that nonsense. But they’re few and far between. The overwhelming majority
of your elected officials don’t give a fuck if you’re black. Or white. Or gay. Or a woman. Or a
Muslim. Or trans. Or from Saturn! They don’t give a fuck. Either way! Yeah, for the cameras, for
the crowd, they’ll put on a show. You bet they will. But they don’t care. Not really. Turns out, the
true currency in Washington is currency. Who woulda guessed?

MICHELLE: You’re a cynical asshole, Mark.

MARK: Sure am. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong though.

MICHELLE: Why do you even do this then? If not to make a difference?

MARK: Did you hear anything I just said?

MICHELLE: Yes I did but—

MARK: Let’s break it down here, Michelle. How’d you feel when you got this job? When you
backed us into a corner? When you got the Senator’s ear?

A beat.

MICHELLE: Pretty good.

MARK: Pretty good. So let me ask you this: Was it because you now had a line on helping all
these people you’re talking about? Or was it because you were getting influence?

MICHELLE: They’re the same thing.

MARK: No. They’re not. And you know it. So don’t come down on me from your perch on-high
as if you’re smashing the idols and delivering the commandments. You’re as complicit as
anyone.

MICHELLE: Fuck you Mark.

MARC: Hey, don’t bring me into this!

MICHELLE: I was talking to him.

MARC: Then why did you pronounce the “c”?

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MICHELLE: (back to Mark) Yes, sure. I admit it. I like the influence. I like the position. Of course
I do. But that’s not the only reason to do something. Neither is money. Do you condemn people
who do volunteer work because they feel better about themselves for doing it?

MARK: I don’t. Usually though you don’t find those people on national television, making sure
their hair is just so for the camera.

Michelle doesn’t say anything but slumps defeated into a chair.

MARK: So here’s what’s going to happen: you are personally going to call every single staff
office of every senator that you went after. You’re going to apologize, you’re going to tell them
that you did not act with the consent of the Senator and that further, you have resigned effective
immediately from this office. Congratulations. You’ve had one the shortest political careers in
history. That’s something to hang your hat on.

MICHELLE: You can’t fire me. The Senator—

MARK: Called me and told me to handle it. I just did.

A beat.

MICHELLE: I didn’t even want this fucking job. You came and scalped me.

MARK: Then you should have said no.

A beat as Michelle and Mark stare at each other.

MARK: Leave your staff ID on the desk.

She continues to stare at him for a moment. Then she takes off her ID and drops it on the desk.

MICHELLE: Marc?

MARC: Yeah? Hey. What?

MICHELLE: Sleep with one eye open.

MARC: Oh! Yes, I usually do, what with my super-deluxe sleep apnea mask.

MICHELLE: I meant-

MARC: It doesn’t fit quite right, so one eye is usually open as a result.

A beat. Michelle looks at Marc, then Mark and shakes her head.

MICHELLE: Fuck this noise. See y’all later.

She walks out.

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MARC: Bye Michelle.

A beat. Marc & Mark look at each. Marc shrugs.

MARC: Well. That chapter has closed!

MARK: Yeah. Whatever.

MARC: Hey bro- it’s back to us though, right? The bros! The team! Batman &—

MARK: (with a coldness) Clean up this fucking office. Act like an adult. And take that fucking
apron off.

MARC: (chastised) Yeah ok.

Mark looks around, shakes his head and walks out.

MARC:(quietly) Dammit.

Lights fade.

SCENE 10:

Lights rise. The office is completely cleaned and neat. Very professional looking. More so than
ever before. Mark is at his desk, typing away at something. It’s the next day (or a day or two
later). His phone rings.

MARK: (answering) Hey I’m right in the middle of—really? You’re kidding. Why? —uh-huh—
yeah, all right. Yeah send her in. Sure.

He hangs up the phone and straightens up a desk that can’t be much more straightened. He
tried to look casual, yet busy. After a moment, Michelle walks in. She looks great, comfortable,
confident.

MARK:(reaching out to shake her hand) Michelle. Nice to see you.

MICHELLE: (taking his) You too Mark. Thanks for seeing me.

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MARK: You look good.

MICHELLE: Thanks.

Beat. Michelle just looks at him calmly, making Mark unsure of what this is about.

MICHELLE: So I heard through the grapevine that the Tree Bill is dead on the vine, so to speak.

MARK: Ha, clever. Yes it is. After talking with the Senator and the rest of the staff, we decided to
withdraw our support for it.

MICHELLE: Even though is has something like 56% approval amongst urban-dwelling citizens
in the state.

MARK: I’m not really interested in having this debate again, Michelle. The people whose
pockets would be affected negatively by this bill don’t want it. End of story.

MICHELLE: End of story. Got it.

She smiles warmly at Mark, which has the affect of making him deeply uncomfortable.

MARK: So what’s going on?

Michelle keeps smiling and reaches into her bag for something.

MARK: If you’re looking for a reference, I’m not sure that I can provide that for you, given how—

MICHELLE: No, no. Not at all. I didn’t come here for that. I don’t imagine that a reference from
you would do much good haha.

MARK: No hard feelings. It’s just politics.

MICHELLE: Oh I completely understand.

She takes her hand out of her bag and places two things on Mark’s desk: a small slip of paper
and a button.

MARK: What’s this?

MICHELLE: Oh, well, I know I wasn’t here very long in the end, but I thought it may be useful to
leave a forwarding address, in case somehow some mail or something for comes for me.

MARK: You’re leaving D.C.?

MICHELLE: Yes. I thought a change may do me good.

MARK:(eyes going to the address for the first time) A new start can be a good thing. Where are
you...(trailing off)

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He looks up at Michelle, who grins even wider. Except this time, it’s the cat who’s eaten the
canary.

MARK: You’re moving to—

MICHELLE: The largest city in the Senator’s home state. Thought it would be good to settle in
there, you know? Get to know the neighborhoods, the area, the—

MARK: —constituency.

MICHELLE: The constituency. Exactly.

A beat.

MARK: You’re going to run.

MICHELLE: Yup.

MARK: For the Senator’s seat.

MICHELLE: You betcha.

A beat.

MARK: It won’t happen. You have no infrastructure. No staff. No donors. Nothing.

MICHELLE: Well, I still have a couple of years before the campaign proper begins. Plenty of
time to get to know people, start building a base. And as far as staff is concerned, I already have
one staff member.

At that moment, Marc walks in.

MARC: ‘Sup bro.

MARK: (dumbfounded) What? You’re kidding me. He’s on your staff?

MICHELLE: He is the staff. So far, anyway.

MARC: Chief of staff, in fact.

MICHELLE: We’re gonna talk titles later, Marc with a “c”.

MARC: Right. Of course.

MICHELLE: And what was the last thing you mentioned? Donors? Yeah, I think we’ve got an
idea of where to find some of those, don’t we, Marc?

MARC: That we do, Michelle. Right in here.(He taps his forehead)

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A beat.

MARK: That’s not super encouraging.

MICHELLE: Oh I agree. Which is why I made him write down all those names already.

MARK:(to Marc) You little worm. I can replace you in seconds.

MARC: Oh yeah, dude. I know. It’s all good. I know there’s a lot of “mes” out there. Guys who
work D.C. like virgins working their proms dates, hoping against hope. And every campaign
should have one. Someone who knows the lingo, the pace and the requirements of a Senator.
And now Michelle does. And the election isn’t for two years. So she’s got a leg up already I’d
say. Plus, and I say this with all love, you’re kind of a dick, bro.

Mark (and Michelle) are a little stunned at this bit of self-analysis and self-assuredness from
Marc.

MARC: Oh I get it. I’m surprised too.

He drops his ID on Mark’s desk. He turns to head out of the office.

MARC:(to Michelle) I will see you later, boss.

MICHELLE: (nodding) Later, Mark with a “c”.

Just before exiting the office, he turns back to Mark.

MARC:(indicating his former spot) Keep the desk.

He walks out with all the cool in the world. Michelle comes around. And sits on the edge of
Mark’s desk.

MICHELLE: I’m gonna head out in a minute myself. I just wanted to thank you. If not for you, I
don’t know that I would’ve pushed myself to make this decision. And I know myself a little bit
better now. And I know what matters to me.

She stands up.

MICHELLE: I think it matters to other people too.

She heads towards the door.

MICHELLE: Hey what do you think of the button? It’s just a mock-up, but I’m pleased with it.

MARK: (picking up the button and reading ) “Michelle Anderson, for Senate. For Everyone.”

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MICHELLE: I think it’s not bad, you know? We’ll see. But I really like our logo: a tree, with wide
branches, with its roots sinking into the American flag. Cause we all grow from the same place.
Plus? I hear that people like trees.

She is about to exit.

MICHELLE: Keep that button for yourself, bro. It’s exclusive, you know? One of a kind. For now
anyway. And you didn’t even have to wait in line.

She opens the door.

MICHELLE: Best part? Only 15 cents a button. Later, dude.

She leaves and shuts the door behind her. Mark sits there for a moment, contemplating the
future. His phone starts ringing. Then another phone rings. And then a third joins in. And
another. And another. Mark makes no move to answer them.

Lights fade.

End of play.

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