YOUR NAME Deleted: as

Commented [SM1]: Concision tip: Words such as

123 York Lane | 416-111-2222 | studentname@yorku.ca really and very add limited value and can be
removed. They also increase exuberance and
reduce professional tone.
May 17, 2018.
Deleted: am seeking the opportunity

Mr. Anthony Aurora Commented [SM2]: Existing did not add value to the
sentence.
Director, Human Resources
ABCD Employer Inc Deleted: existing
123 York Blvd, Suite 300 Deleted: really
Mississauga, Ontario L5L 1B1 Deleted: very detailed-oriented
Deleted: , who is also a
Deleted: . I also have
Dear Mr. Aurora, Deleted: auditing books
Deleted: am
I am writing to apply for the Assistant Auditor Position, advertised on Indeed on May 17, 2018. I Commented [SM3]: Clarity tip:
The writer has used a direct style citing the position
seek to apply my skills and education in a large private sector environment. Since the position applied for up front. It might be helpful to add a
position number to orient the reader.
requires someone with knowledge of tax and audit, I am the perfect candidate. I am a
conscientious and detail-oriented individual self-starter with experience in audit, and in the
Clarity and consistency tip: Consider re-writing the
process of completing my CPA designation. opening paragraph: “Thank you for considering my
application for the Assistant Auditor position
advertised on Indeed May 17, 2018. As a CPA
As you can see from my resume, in my previous role with XXXX Company I was responsible for candidate with knowledge of audit and taxation, I
am seeking an opportunity to refine my skills in a
reviewing the books of small business clients to ensure their businesses met regulatory large private sector environment.”

requirements. I have also had bookkeeping experience, which means that I can prepare
income statements and balance sheets, as well as assist with taxation filing requests. One of Commented [SM4]: Consistency and Proof-reading
tip: This is a run-on sentence. Include punctuation
my best strengths is my ability to interact with people and help them solve problems. I work to link independent clauses. This sentence would
be further improved through employing parallelism.
well under pressure and am a fast learner. See example above.
Formatted: Strikethrough
I look forward to interviewing for this position and discussing how my skills will benefit your Formatted: Strikethrough

team. You can reach me at 416-111-2222 evenings after 6:00 PM. Thank you for your interest Commented [SM5]:
Commented [SM6]: Concision tip: Suggest deleting
in my application. "As you can see from my resume. It’s a long lead-in
and adds no value.
Commented [SM7]: Concision tip: Is it necessary to
... [1]
Commented [SM8]: Concision and clarity tip: A lot
... of
[2]
Deleted:
Sincerely,
Deleted: really
Deleted: being granted an
Deleted: and meeting with you in person to discuss
Deleted: credentials
Deleted: I know that I would benefit your team.
 Deleted: Janice Leung, BBA.

Additional notes:

Concision: This document contained several opportunities for concision. As

the reviewer, I offered feedback using the track changes, strikethrough and
comment functions.

Clarity and consistency: The document was generally written in a warm and
professional tone. There were some opportunities to control exuberance. The
writer did a good job communicating their skills and interests but did not
always establish a link to the role.

Readability: The document employed sufficient white-space and was

professionally formatted (bold headers). Suggested use of parallelism (per
above) would help improve readability.

It might be helpful to use a serif font (Times New Roman) or a more common
sans serif font (Arial or Calibri) in a more formal application process. Overall
sentence structure varied, and the use of the active voice called attention to
the writer’s skills and experience.

Proof-reading. The document contained few typographical errors. Proof

reading and grammar check identified and corrected errors.

A fully revised clean copy is included below.

2
Revised option: Formatted: Font: Not Bold

Dear Mr. Aurora,

Thank you for considering my application for the Assistant Auditor position
advertised on Indeed May 17, 2018. As a CPA candidate with knowledge of
audit and taxation, I seek an opportunity to refine my skills in a large private
sector environment.

As a quick learner who enjoys working in a fast-paced environment, I am well-

versed in regulatory issues for small businesses. My experience with XXXX
Company, coupled with my bookkeeping experience, as well as strong
interpersonal and problem-solving skills, make me an ideal candidate.

Let me show you how my skills will directly benefit your team by contacting
me at 416-111-2222 or studentname@yorku.ca to set-up an interview. Formatted: Font: Not Bold

Your truly,

Student name

3
Page 1: [1] Commented [SM7] Sue-Ann Maislin 5/21/18 9:50:00 AM
Concision tip: Is it necessary to say “I have also had?” See the comment below for options.

Page 1: [2] Commented [SM8] Sue-Ann Maislin 5/21/18 10:34:00 AM

Concision and clarity tip: A lot of this information is in the resume. Align specific skills and
experience with the job requirements.

An option includes: “As a quick learner who enjoys working in a fast-paced environment, I am
well-versed in regulatory issues for small businesses. My experience with XXXX Company, coupled
with my bookkeeping experience, strong interpersonal and problem-solving skills, make me ideal
for this position."