EXAMPLE WITH EXAMINER’S COMMENTS

An international student magazine has invited its readers to submit a letter arguing for immediate action on a key environmental issue. You decide to
write a letter, briefly describing an environmental problem that concerns you, explaining why you are arguing for immediate action and
recommending appropriate measures to rectify the situation.
Write your letter.

To the editor,

I am writing to you in response to the invitation to readers in the latest issue of your magazine. The problem that is of a great concern to
me is air pollution,* which is becoming ever more [ubiquitous]* these days.
The by-product of an increasingly industrialized world is having a deleterious effect on our planet and on our lives, yet it seems that
precious very little* is being done to improve the situation*. In opposite On the contrary, the pollution crisis is only becoming more
exacerbated. Governments give priority to building more factories,* which release hazardous substances, and less emphasis is being
placed on regulating these emissions.

Not only does this problem pose a threat to the environment, but also a great many people suffer from it. According to statistics, 9 in 10
people breathe polluted air and 7 million people die from air pollution every year. These numbers are shocking and that is why
immediate action must be taken.

To my mind, governments worldwide should collaborate to improve the already existing air cleaning equipment and sanction a major
investment in creating and developing new one. Furthermore, we should take the initiative in planting more trees in every country to
offset the detrimental effect of emissions*. On top of that In addition to that/Moreover, we should back the establishment of volunteer
communities that will be willing to carry out this task, as well as support and promote those organizations that are already engaged in it.
Collective action on the part of governments and ordinary people will undoubtedly bring the desired result.

We must protect our planet, for it is our only home. I urge your readers to join me in seeking an immediate end to air pollution.

Yours faithfully,

Content: 5 — All content is relevant to the task. Target reader is fully informed.

Communicative achievement: 3 — Uses the conventions of the letter with sufficient flexibility to communicate complex ideas in an
effective way, holding the target reader’s attention with ease and fulfilling all communicative purposes as set out in the task. The
register is occasionally uneven (on top of that, precious little).

Organisation: 3 — Text is a well-organised, coherent whole, using a variety of cohesive devices and organisational patterns with
flexibility.
Language: 3 — Uses a range of vocabulary, including less common lexis, effectively and precisely. Uses a wide range of simple and
complex grammatical forms with full control, flexibility and sophistication. Errors, if present, are related to less common words and
structures, or occur as slips.

Comments and recommendations:

1. Ubiquitous is not the best word choice here; ubiquitous means «seeming to be everywhere» while you are trying to draw
the reader's attention to how pressing the issue is, not to how popular it is.
2. Revise relative clauses.

3. «The by-product of an increasingly industrialized world is having a deleterious effect on our planet and on our lives, yet it seems that
precious very little* is being done to improve the situation» — this sentence made me re-read it because it's not exactly clear from the
sentence itself what by-product you mean. It detracts from how well you are holding the reader's attention.
4. «Furthermore, we should take the initiative in planting more trees in every country to offset the detrimental effect of emissions» —
the same effect here with the word emissions.
5. «Precious little» — it's a nice expression, but it's informal while the whole tone of your letter is very formal.
6. «Furthermore, we should take the initiative in planting more trees in every country to offset the detrimental effect of emissions.» |
«In addition to that/Moreover, we should back the establishment of volunteer communities that will be willing to carry out this task, as
well as support and promote those organizations that are already engaged in it.» — you might want to consider leaving out the linking
word at the beginning of either one of these sentences, since they go one right after the other.