00:01:12 We are gathered here today to immortalise in song

00:01:15 the life and untimely death of a great legend.

00:01:18 - Rango. - So sit back, relax,
00:01:21 and enjoy your low-calorie popcorn and assorted confections
00:01:24 while we tell you the strange and bewildering tale of a hero
00:01:29 who has yet to enter his own story.
00:01:46 Crunchy, creamy, cookie, candy, cupcake.
00:01:50 Okay, everybody, let's take it from the top.
00:01:54 The stage is set, the night moist with apprehension.
00:01:57 Alone in her chamber, the princess prepares to take her own life.
00:02:02 "It is far better to nourish worms than to live without love."
00:02:05 She reaches for the poisoned chalice.
00:02:07 Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio plots his ascension to the throne
00:02:11 while her ageing father lies gravely ill.
00:02:13 "Yes, I am gravely ill."
00:02:17 "Hark, who goes there?"
00:02:19 'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero,
00:02:21 returning to rescue his emotionally unstable maiden!
00:02:24 Unhand her, you jailers of virtue,
00:02:26 or taste the bitter sting of my vengeance!
00:02:30 The sting of my...
00:02:34 Dr Marx?
00:02:36 Dr Marx, I'm not getting anything from you.
00:02:38 People, we've talked about this. Acting is reacting.
00:02:42 Victor, you were wooden! There, I said it.
00:02:45 Mr Timms? You were good.
00:02:48 Perhaps a little too good.
00:02:50 What's that, Victor? My character's undefined? That's absurd.
00:02:54 I know who I am. I'm the guy, the protagonist, the hero.
00:02:58 Every story needs a hero. I mean, who else is better qualified
00:03:02 to bask in the adulation of his numerous companions?
00:03:24 The stage is waiting.
00:03:26 The audience thirsts for adventure.
00:03:31 Who am I?
00:03:34 I could be anyone.
00:03:35 I could be the sea cap'n returning from a mighty voyage
00:03:40 to reclaim his mechanical arm!
00:03:43 Or I could be the rogue anthropologist, battling pythons down in the
Congo!
00:03:47 Down, Chongo, down!
00:03:50 And if you desire romance,
00:03:53 I will become the greatest lover the world has ever known!
00:04:03 I couldn't help but notice you noticing me noticing you.
00:04:07 You know, the womens find me uncomfortably good looking.
00:04:11 But you seem remarkably at ease.
00:04:14 Stop it. No, really.
00:04:15 Well, if you must. What are you doing?
00:04:18 That tickles. Are those real?
00:04:21 That's it! Conflict.
00:04:23 Victor, you were right. I have been undefined.
00:04:26 People, I've had an epiphany. The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!
00:04:31 What our story needs is an ironic, unexpected event
00:04:34 that will propel the hero into conflict!
00:05:31 Mr Timms?
00:06:12 That's right! You!
00:06:15 Don't be shy. Come on.
00:06:17 It's okay.
00:06:19 That's it, a little closer.
00:06:23 Good.
00:06:24 I won't bite you.
00:06:28 I need a little help here.
00:06:31 Are you okay?
00:06:32 I must get to the other side.
00:06:35 The other side? You mean, just now, that was you crossing the road?
00:06:38 That's why the...
00:06:40 Why'd you do that?
00:06:41 This is my quest. He waits for me.
00:06:44 What? Who?
00:06:46 The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one.
00:06:49 They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to
protect him.
00:06:53 What are you talking about?
00:06:55 Enlightenment. We are nothing without it.
00:06:59 Nothing? Your delusional quest just ruined my life!
00:07:02 I had an incredibly complex social network going!
00:07:05 Highly sophisticated friends! I was very popular!
00:07:07 Friends? I don't see no friends.
00:07:12 You are a very lonely lizard.
00:07:15 Look, I need water, hydration. My teeth are chapped.
00:07:18 I need lotion. I'm down to one layer of skin already.
00:07:20 Pretty soon, I'm going to start seeing my insides.
00:07:22 Not unlike what you've got going there.
00:07:25 Listen, I can't survive in the desert, okay?
00:07:26 I... I don't belong here.
00:07:28 That may be true, but here you are.
00:07:33 Now help me up and I will help you find what you seek.
00:07:37 - You will? - And perhaps more.
00:07:39 Quickly. I must get back to my quest.
00:07:42 - You mean you've done this before? - Yes. Many times.
00:07:46 Come, come. That's it, pull my finger.
00:07:48 The Spirit is waiting for me.
00:07:51 Okay, okay.
00:07:57 Okay. That's not going to work.
00:08:00 I must get to the other side.
00:08:02 Why don't you just wait until there are no cars coming?
00:08:05 It's not so easy as it looks.
00:08:07 What?
00:08:08 Is a metaphor.
00:08:38 There's another one!
00:08:41 I knew it.
00:08:53 You need a little help, amigo?
00:08:55 I think the metaphor broke my spleen.
00:08:58 The path to knowledge is fraught with consequence.
00:09:01 I'm just looking for the path to water.
00:09:04 If you want to find water, you must first find Dirt.
00:09:09 Dirt.
00:09:11 Destiny, she is kind to you.
00:09:14 Tomorrow is Wednesday. The water comes.
00:09:17 At noon, the townspeople gather for a mysterious ritual.
00:09:22 A town? You mean, with real people and everything? Where?
00:09:26 A day's journey. Follow your shadow.
00:09:30 You want me to just walk out into the desert?
00:09:34 That's the way.
00:09:35 Okay. So you're saying
00:09:37 there's a town, a real town, not a metaphor town.
00:09:41 Go on. It's okay.
00:09:43 Okay.
00:09:44 Well, then, I'm going.
00:09:46 I am leaving the road now!
00:09:49 I'm walking into the desert!
00:09:53 Alone!
00:09:54 We all have our journeys to make!
00:09:57 I will see you on the other side.
00:10:13 Welcome, amigo
00:10:16 To the land without end
00:10:20 The desert and death
00:10:23 Are the closest of friends
00:10:26 We sing of his courage
00:10:29 In magnificent song
00:10:32 But pay close attention
00:10:35 He won't be here long
00:10:42 As the birds pluck his eyes The sun bleaches his bones
00:10:45 See his entrails get scattered Watch him lose his cojones
00:10:56 Here in the Mojave Desert,
00:10:59 animals have had millions of years to adapt to the harsh environment.
00:11:04 But the lizard? He is going to die.
00:11:08 "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers..."
00:11:11 - Don't move. - What?
00:11:18 - Don't move! - Not moving.
00:11:20 Not moving.
00:11:21 Try to blend in.
00:11:24 Blend in? What do you mean?
00:11:29 Blend in.
00:11:30 What are you saying?
00:11:33 - Too late. - No, no. It's not too late!
00:11:35 I'm blending! I'm a blender!
00:11:37 Hey, calm down! What are you doing?
00:11:42 Stop moving!
00:11:44 Try not to look conspicuous.
00:11:55 - What are you doing? - I'm blending.
00:11:56 - Go blend somewhere else. - Don't distract me.
00:11:58 - No room at the inn. - It's an art, not a science.
00:12:00 - Find your own hiding place. - No, this is good.
00:12:03 Here she comes! You better run, Mojito!
00:12:05 - What? I thought you said, "Don't move." - That was before. Now, you
run.
00:12:54 Oh, hey. Proboscis.
00:12:56 Testy.
00:13:10 Please, no, please. I have vertigo! My glands are swelling!
00:13:15 Please, no.
00:13:24 You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard!
00:13:28 Get out of there. I'm going to strangle your huevos!
00:13:30 Big bird! Big bird!
00:13:32 No, wait! Come back! I was just kidding!
00:13:35 - Come on, we're friends, right? - I don't know you!
00:13:37 - Lizards, frogs... - Find your own hiding place!
00:13:39 - We're practically related! - No room at the inn!
00:13:40 - Come on, move over! - You're not my friend!
00:13:42 I'll let you kiss my sister!
00:13:52 You son of a...
00:14:47 Where are your friends now, amigo?
00:15:17 Get your slimy-webbed phalanges off my boots!
00:15:21 Sorry.
00:15:22 I got a bead on you, stranger. So you get up real slow
00:15:25 lessen you want to spend the better part
00:15:26 of the afternoon putting your face back together!
00:15:28 - No, ma'am, I don't. - Who are you?
00:15:31 - Who am I? - I'm asking the questions here!
00:15:33 Our town is drying up. We're in the middle of a drought.
00:15:36 Now someone's dumping water in the desert!
00:15:37 It's a puzzle of undeterminable size and dimension,
00:15:40 but I intend to find out what role you playing in all this.
00:15:42 - Role? - What are you involved in?
00:15:45 Well, I'm glad you asked.
00:15:48 I've got two one-acts, a mystery and a musical I've been gestating.
00:15:51 I got the words, I'm just working on the melody right now. It's like
a...
00:15:56 I think it's gonna be a western.
00:15:57 A monkey got a cracker His mother was a slapper
00:16:00 She'll be coming 'round the mountain in the rain
00:16:04 You ain't from around here, are you?
00:16:08 I'm still working on it.
00:16:12 So, what's your name?
00:16:14 - Beans. - That's a funny kind of name.
00:16:16 What can I say? My daddy plumb loved baked beans.
00:16:19 Well, you're lucky he didn't plumb love asparagus.
00:16:20 What are you saying?
00:16:22 I mean, I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself,
00:16:24 but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker.
00:16:26 My daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit a proclivity for
legumes.
00:16:30 - Spicy. - You're eating his ashes!
00:16:34 You carry his remains?
00:16:35 No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
00:16:39 Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
00:16:41 - What are you implying? - Nothing.
00:16:43 My daddy was never near that mine shaft.
00:16:45 He'd been sober for over a month!
00:16:46 And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental
responsibilities
00:16:49 at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my
sense...
00:16:56 Miss Beans?
00:16:59 Miss Beans? Hello?
00:17:03 Hello?
00:17:19 And until the people of Andromeda Five
00:17:21 return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!
00:17:26 - What... What are you doing? - What are you doing?
00:17:28 - What am I doing? - You're cuddling me.
00:17:30 - You were frozen. - I was not.
00:17:31 Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
00:17:33 It's a defence mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
00:17:36 You're making that up.
00:17:38 So, you gonna die out here, or you want a ride into town?
00:17:41 No, no, no. Yeah. No. Yes, please. Thank you. Sorry.
00:17:45 Today's Wednesday. Wednesday's when we all get to it.
00:17:49 So who are you, really?
00:17:50 Well, I'm a man of many epithets.
00:17:52 There's my stage name, my pen name, my avatar.
00:17:54 I had a pseudonym once, but I had it legally changed.
00:17:57 And so the stranger, seeking companionship,
00:18:01 finds the woman, much like the sirens of ancient times
00:18:05 luring him to his certain demise.
00:18:10 ...nom de plume, I have a CB handle.
00:18:12 I'm actually one of the few men with a maiden name.
00:18:13 Whoa! Well, here we are.
00:18:23 Right.
00:18:24 Well, I sure do appreciate this, Miss Beans,
00:18:27 - and if there's ever anything that I... - Get on up!
00:18:30 Okay, then!
00:18:32 See you, Beans.
00:18:50 You heading out, Jim?
00:18:51 Well, we gave it our best shot. We had to sell out.
00:18:54 Can't grow no crops without no water.
00:18:58 Bye, now!
00:19:04 What is it?
00:19:09 What was that for?
00:19:10 You're funny looking.
00:19:12 Oh, yeah? Well, you're funny looking, too.
00:19:14 - That's a funny-looking shirt. - That's a funny-looking dress.
00:19:17 - You got funny-looking eyes! - You got a funny-looking face!
00:19:20 You're a stranger. Strangers don't last long here.
00:19:24 Here's your beans, Beans.
00:19:26 I'm gonna need some more feed, too, Willie.
00:19:28 Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts already. I can't give you more
credit.
00:19:32 But I'll have what I owe you at noon.
00:19:35 You don't understand. It's Mr Merrimack down at the bank. He cut off
all credit.
00:19:40 Hey, Beans! Beans!
00:19:42 You know that there fella?
00:19:44 Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!
00:19:46 Nope.
00:19:48 Hey, Beans!
00:19:49 Hey.
00:19:52 Right. Blend in. Yeah, blend in.
00:21:22 I'd like a glass of water.
00:21:26 He wants a glass of water!
00:21:27 Make it a double!
00:21:29 Give him the spittoon!
00:21:36 Cactus juice. That's what we got.
00:22:03 Hey, there, fruit cup.
00:22:04 You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?
00:22:08 Who exactly are you?
00:22:15 Who am I?
00:22:18 I could be anyone.
00:22:23 What's the matter? You missing your mommy's mangos?
00:22:28 As a matter of fact, I am.
00:22:31 But not as much as your daddy's cooking!
00:22:35 Exactly where did you say you were from?
00:22:38 Me? I'm from the West.
00:22:41 Out there, beyond the horizon. Past the sunset.
00:22:45 The Far West.
00:22:49 Yeah, that's right, hombres.
00:22:51 The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast
00:22:53 just to work up an appetite.
00:22:56 Then we salt him, and we pepper him.
00:22:58 Then we braise him in clarified butter. And then we eat him.
00:23:02 - You eat him? - That's what I said!
00:23:04 Hell, I seen things make a grown man lose control of his glandular
functions!
00:23:08 You spend three days in a horse carcass, living off your own juices.
00:23:12 It'll change a man. Oh, yeah.
00:23:17 Had a few extra aces in this deck, gents. Just the way I like it.
00:23:21 So, no, my hirsute little rodent friend, I am not from around these
parts.
00:23:26 You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewing
00:23:28 and hell waiting to be raised.
00:23:30 You might say I'm what hell's already raised up.
00:23:35 Name's
00:23:37 Rango.
00:23:40 Rango.
00:23:43 Are you the fella that killed them Jenkins brothers?
00:23:46 Killed them with one bullet.
00:23:48 Don't get no deader.
00:23:50 All seven of them?
00:23:53 That's right.
00:23:55 All seven of them.
00:23:58 Exactly how you do that, Mr Rango?
00:24:03 You know, I'm glad you asked me that.
00:24:05 And I will be happy to tell you how. But you're all gonna have to
listen up!
00:24:10 Because this is where it gets
00:24:13 complicated.
00:24:17 That'll close out your account, Mrs Oats, two gulps and a swig.
00:24:19 Hands off, Mordecai! That's what's left of your college education!
00:24:25 I don't rightly have no other choice, Beans.
00:24:27 Times being so hard, we just can't give no more credit.
00:24:32 But this here is a bank. This is where you keep the water.
00:24:37 Beans, you've been like a niece to me ever since your daddy
00:24:43 did not fall drunk down a mine shaft.
00:24:47 I've tried to protect you and others from certain realities.
00:24:51 But that... Well...
00:24:53 - Mr Merrimack? - Realities are bearing down.
00:24:55 Mr Merrimack!
00:24:57 Are you all right?
00:24:59 Beans, I need to show you something.
00:25:10 - That's all that's left? - And this here is the reserve!
00:25:13 I don't know if you've noticed,
00:25:15 but folks just ain't making deposits on a Wednesday no more!
00:25:18 Mr Merrimack, if I don't get some water, I'm gonna lose my ranch
00:25:22 and you're telling me that's all that's left in the whole town?
00:25:24 Now that just don't make no sense. Now, listen.
00:25:27 Someone is dumping water in the desert.
00:25:32 I seen it with my own eyes.
00:25:36 Water in the desert?
00:25:38 Was this during one of your special times?
00:25:41 No.
00:25:42 Well, we can all dream, but this is the reality.
00:25:46 Why do you think so many people are selling out? They just can't make
it.
00:25:50 Well, what am I supposed to do?
00:25:53 Well, I suppose we could talk to the Mayor.
00:25:55 I hear he's been helping people out in this time of crisis.
00:25:59 The Mayor?
00:26:00 He may be our only hope.
00:26:02 Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets back towards number three,
00:26:05 and that's when the roof caved in,
00:26:07 igniting the thermos of pure grain alcohol
00:26:09 instantly vapourising his bodily form, leaving nothing but a charcoal
statue
00:26:13 and a high-pitched squeal.
00:26:20 Hold on, there. That's only six. What happened to number seven?
00:26:25 Number seven?
00:26:26 Hell, he died of infection.
00:26:32 - Seven men! - One bullet!
00:26:34 Drinks all around!
00:26:39 Dance for me, Sod Buster!
00:26:41 - Yes, dance like a chicken! - That's right! Dance!
00:26:45 You got corn in your ears, mate?
00:26:47 You don't pay the mortgage, you don't own the land!
00:26:50 - That's basic real estate law, my friend. - Quid pro quo!
00:26:53 If I see your face in this town again,
00:26:56 I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.
00:27:01 Mind the beak.
00:27:03 And don't come back!
00:27:07 What are you all gawping at?
00:27:13 Hey, Bad Bill, there's something I got to tell you!
00:27:21 What is this?
00:27:22 You know who that is, Bill? That there's Rango!
00:27:26 Yeah, he ain't afraid of you! He ain't afraid of none of you.
00:27:30 Killed them Jenkins brothers.
00:27:32 - Done it with one bullet, Bill. - All seven of them!
00:27:35 Is that right?
00:28:13 Let me get that before you...
00:28:19 No. Oh, I know. Here.
00:28:25 Just take care of that for you.
00:28:28 There. All better.
00:28:54 T.O. T.O. Just a second.
00:28:58 All right, now listen!
00:29:00 I'm going to give you fellas one last chance to reconsider!
00:29:07 And if you don't want to reconsider
00:29:10 I might consider reconsidering myself.
00:29:24 Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.
00:29:27 All right, now listen up!
00:29:29 Things are going to be different around here now that Rango's in town.
00:29:32 Got some new rules! I want my shoes shined every morning,
00:29:35 my coffee hot, Danish on the side.
00:29:37 Whatever you do, don't look me in the eye.
00:29:39 Stay out of my peripheral vision!
00:29:42 - It's Rango. - What's he up to?
00:29:44 He ain't afraid of nobody. He's telling that bird what's for!
00:29:47 And when you see me coming, stand aside.
00:29:49 I take large steps and I don't want none of you hayseeds
00:29:52 getting your bodily fluids on my boots!
00:29:56 Of course, there is no need for violence,
00:29:59 as long as we stick together, work as a team.
00:30:02 So I want you all to come outside now and line up single file
00:30:05 while I take a brief intermission!
00:30:09 What's he doing now?
00:30:11 I think it's a number two.
00:30:33 Never mind.
00:30:55 Take a look-see over here!
00:30:57 Well, look at him now!
00:30:58 He's chasing after that hawk!
00:31:00 Give him hell, Rango!
00:32:51 - Did you see that? - He killed that thing!
00:32:54 What do you think, Doc?
00:32:56 This hawk is dead!
00:32:59 Shoot, I say we cook that right up.
00:33:02 He did it with one bullet!
00:33:03 Just like he said!
00:33:05 It's about time we had a hero around here.
00:33:07 One who ain't in a pine box.
00:33:09 I think it's time he met the Mayor.
00:33:12 You hear that, Rango? You're going to meet the Mayor!
00:33:15 Let's hear it for Rango!
00:33:21 And so the stranger basks
00:33:23 in the adulation of his new friends,
00:33:26 sinking deeper into the guacamole of his own deception.
00:33:31 When is he going to die?
00:33:33 Soon, compadre. Soon.
00:33:51 My land is not for sale!
00:33:54 I came here to save my land, not sell it!
00:33:57 I'm sure there's something reasonable we can work out if you just talk
to him!
00:34:02 Beans! Where are you going? Beans?
00:34:04 The Mayor will see you now.
00:34:11 Water, Mr Rango, water.
00:34:15 Without it, there's nothing but dust and decay.
00:34:18 But with water there's life.
00:34:27 Look at them, so desperate to live, they'll follow it anywhere.
00:34:29 That's the immutable law of the desert.
00:34:33 Control the water and you control everything.
00:34:38 But I don't have to tell you that being a true man of the West, as you
are.
00:34:42 Oh, yeah. The West is the best.
00:34:46 This is from my private stock.
00:34:48 Vintage rainwater from the Great Deluge.
00:34:52 Not Noah's deluge. Good heavens, I'm not that old.
00:34:58 I guess power has its privileges.
00:35:01 You make a good point, son.
00:35:04 But with privilege comes responsibility.
00:35:08 Hell, I was mayor here before there was a Dirt!
00:35:11 And I may be just a sentimental old turtle
00:35:14 but I think there's a future for this town. And I hope you'll be part
of it.
00:35:21 - To Dirt! - To Dirt.
00:35:27 You see them, Mr Rango? All my friends and neighbours?
00:35:31 It's a hard life here. Very hard.
00:35:35 Do you know how they make it through each and every day?
00:35:38 They believe.
00:35:40 They believe it's going to be better.
00:35:43 They believe that the water will come.
00:35:46 They believe against all odds and all evidence
00:35:49 that tomorrow will be better than today.
00:35:53 People have to believe in something.
00:35:56 Right now, they believe in you.
00:36:01 Pick it up, Mr Rango. Your destiny awaits.
00:36:09 People have to believe in something.
00:36:18 It's almost noon. Is everything ready?
00:36:20 Yeah. But he might be a problem.
00:36:23 He's not a problem, William. He's a solution.
00:36:29 It just don't make no sense.
00:36:32 This whole town is drying up,
00:36:33 and the Mayor is the only one who don't seem to be affected.
00:36:35 Doesn't that make you just a wee bit suspicious?
00:36:37 And what about that water I saw out in the desert?
00:36:40 All right! No need to incite anxiety. I'll inquire about the Mayor.
00:36:45 But if you really feel there's some conspiracy occurring,
00:36:48 I suggest you take it up with the new sheriff.
00:36:52 This is going to be good. Hey! Watch that needle there.
00:36:55 Not too tight. I want to leave room for some pucker!
00:36:57 That's good.
00:36:58 Oh, easy there, tiger.
00:37:01 - A little up and back? - I don't think so.
00:37:02 Have you got French cuffs with that?
00:37:03 Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I want to talk to you.
00:37:04 Hey, Beans, what do you think of the new duds?
00:37:06 I got a 10-gallon hat marked down from 15.
00:37:08 - That's nice. - Have you met Angelique?
00:37:09 - Hello, Beans. - Hello, Angelique.
00:37:11 - Tart. - Floozy.
00:37:12 - Trollop. - Excuse me, Mr Rango.
00:37:15 I will blow that ugly right off your face!
00:37:16 I was just thinking that...
00:37:19 You want the old John Hancock, do you?
00:37:21 - Well, here. Hold this. - Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
00:37:23 There's a bullet in there.
00:37:25 I know about the shindig this afternoon.
00:37:26 - I ordered myself some right fancy duds. - Sheriff, I'd like to file
a...
00:37:29 - Mr Rango! - Oh, you, too? No problem.
00:37:30 - Here, let me just... - I need you to investigate...
00:37:32 You know, Beans, I bet you clean up real nice, you put a little effort
into it.
00:37:35 - What? - Now, remember, son,
00:37:36 stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare.
00:37:39 - Who's Shakespeare? - Sheriff Rango,
00:37:41 if that is your real name.
00:37:42 I am trying to save my daddy's ranch,
00:37:45 which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown
00:37:47 while you're playing patty-cake with this here trollop!
00:37:52 Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
00:37:55 Why does she do that?
00:37:57 - It's a survival reflex. - Her switch is just broken.
00:38:00 Well, that's an inconvenience.
00:38:01 It is not a rash! It is a birthmark!
00:38:05 I did it again, didn't I?
00:38:07 Did what?
00:38:08 Let me ask you something.
00:38:10 Did anybody here mention what happened to our last sheriff?
00:38:52 Pardon, but may I ask you... Excuse me, may I ask you...
00:38:56 The last sheriff... Pardon me. Where is everybody going?
00:39:00 What exactly happened to the...
00:39:07 All day
00:39:09 I've faced the barren waste
00:39:13 Without the taste of water
00:39:20 Cool water
00:39:28 Old Dan and I
00:39:30 With throats burned dry
00:39:32 And souls that cry
00:39:37 For water
00:39:42 Cool
00:39:45 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
00:39:47 Clear water
00:39:57 This is a heck of a hoedown you got going.
00:39:58 Still working out those steps.
00:40:00 So, is this considered normal civic behaviour?
00:40:04 Every Wednesday, just like clockwork.
00:40:06 You kill bird.
00:40:08 Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.
00:40:11 Bird dead. Snake come.
00:40:14 Snake?
00:40:15 He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr Rango.
00:40:17 He never comes to town 'cause he's scared of that hawk.
00:40:19 But he might come now.
00:40:20 Can I have your boots when you're dead?
00:40:22 No!
00:40:23 And I ain't got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake.
00:40:25 That's just what Amos said.
00:40:27 Amos?
00:40:32 You got any gold fillings?
00:40:52 My fellow Dirtonians.
00:40:54 I welcome you to our great day of deliverance. Hallelujah.
00:40:59 - Hallelujah! - Hallelujah!
00:41:01 Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!
00:41:14 We have a newcomer amongst us today, my friends.
00:41:18 A man I think needs little introduction to you
00:41:20 so bold has been his entry into our fair society.
00:41:24 Mr Rango, would you step forward?
00:41:33 The time has come, my friends. The time that was foretold!
00:41:37 - Hallelujah! - Hallelujah!
00:41:39 The sacred time!
00:41:41 - Hallelujah! - Hallelujah!
00:41:42 The time of destiny!
00:41:45 - Hallelujah! - Hallelujah!
00:41:46 The time of deliverance!
00:41:49 - Hallelujah! - Hallelujah!
00:41:50 It is the time of hydration!
00:42:09 - It's his fault! - It's the newcomer!
00:42:11 - Burn him! - He's a witch!
00:42:13 I get his boots!
00:42:14 My friends, my friends! Temper your frustrations.
00:42:18 Times will be tough from now on. Sacrifices will have to be made.
00:42:23 But if I can help in any way, please know that my door is always...
00:42:27 Hold it, hold it!
00:42:28 Now, this whole thing stinks three ways to Sunday.
00:42:31 First the bank's run dry and now this here spigot?
00:42:34 The bank's run dry?
00:42:35 - What's she talking about? - She said there's no water in the bank!
00:42:42 This is all we have! We can't give it all out!
00:42:45 That was my rehydration account!
00:42:49 None of that civil disobedience in my town, thank you very much.
00:42:55 Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff. Things were getting out of hand.
00:42:58 Come right in.
00:43:00 Let me have a gander at the source of the societal discontentment here.
00:43:07 Mercy.
00:43:08 All right, listen up! I've been thinking
00:43:11 and I believe I've figured something out.
00:43:14 You folks have a water problem!
00:43:18 Now just pay attention, everybody. I'm trying to make a point here.
00:43:21 Let's say this fella here were to take a drink of water.
00:43:23 Just one little drink. No harm, no foul, right?
00:43:29 And you!
00:43:31 You're just as dried up and parched as a jackrabbit in July.
00:43:33 So you belly on up and take you a double shot!
00:43:37 Stay with me.
00:43:40 What do you think happens then? Why we'd all be drinking!
00:43:44 And before you know it, there wouldn't be any more water.
00:43:47 And then where would we be?
00:43:51 We'd be thirsty.
00:43:53 Real thirsty.
00:43:55 We'd turn on each other like a bunch of animals!
00:44:00 Now look here. We have got six days of water.
00:44:09 We have got five days...
00:44:13 As long as we've got water, we've got ourselves a town.
00:44:18 Sheriff Rango is right.
00:44:20 As long as we have this water, we have some hope.
00:44:23 And you can all take it from me.
00:44:25 My 100% full-time employment from this moment on
00:44:29 will be to protect our precious natural resource.
00:44:32 Ain't no one gonna tango with the Rango.
00:44:48 Evening, ladies.
00:44:50 Evening, Sheriff.
00:44:52 And don't you come back!
00:44:54 Hold on there, Gordy. You get back in there and you assert yourself,
00:44:57 and I think you'll find the people of this here town to be surprisingly
hospitable.
00:45:00 Thank you, Sheriff.
00:45:02 What? Not you again!
00:45:05 I stand corrected.
00:45:12 - This ain't the bank. - I told you, Jedidiah!
00:45:15 Hold it right there!
00:45:16 - Who's that? - It's the Sheriff!
00:45:18 Get them hands up where I can see them!
00:45:20 Just as I suspected.
00:45:22 Prospecting without the authorised equipment. Don't move a muscle.
00:45:25 Prospecting?
00:45:31 Now, you got your shovel, pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah,
00:45:33 assorted snacks, some puzzle books and you're gonna need a permit.
00:45:37 - Loofah. - Ezekiel, Jedidiah!
00:45:38 What the Sam Hill's going on up there?
00:45:41 I've had polyps removed smarter than the two of you!
00:45:44 Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!
00:45:47 Pappy, the Sheriff is standing right here, helping us out.
00:45:50 Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.
00:45:53 That's right, sir. Just doing my duty.
00:45:56 The lonely constable on his rounds,
00:45:58 keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.
00:46:01 Does he look like he sounds?
00:46:04 Well, Sheriff, if we was to hit the mother lode,
00:46:08 being prospectors and such,
00:46:10 where would we deposit said annuity?
00:46:13 Here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have
00:46:15 the finest financial institution this side of the Missouri.
00:46:20 Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly.
00:46:24 Much obliged.
00:46:26 The bank's been robbed! The bank's been robbed!
00:46:29 Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!
00:46:31 What's going on?
00:46:33 - It's gone! The water's all gone! - What'd he say?
00:46:35 He said the bank's been robbed!
00:46:37 Dr Marx! I'm on fire! Embrace me!
00:46:40 The bank's been robbed, the town is dry "We'll die of thirst," the
people cry
00:46:45 He promised to protect the vault The water's gone, it's all his fault
00:46:50 All right, folks, stand back, clear the area.
00:46:52 This is a crime scene now.
00:46:53 Secure the perimeter, dust for prints, check for fibres, scan for DNA.
00:46:56 I want a urine sample from everyone. And get me a latte.
00:46:59 And don't mix up the two.
00:47:00 What's this?
00:47:01 "Prospecting Permit."
00:47:03 I'll take that. Material evidence.
00:47:05 What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?
00:47:06 - We need that water. - We're all going to die!
00:47:09 My friends, we all know what we have to do now.
00:47:13 That's right. We all know what we have to do now.
00:47:16 - And that would be? - Form a posse.
00:47:18 Form a possum!
00:47:22 A posse.
00:47:25 Now, we're gonna be doing this in an orderly fashion.
00:47:29 First off, does anybody here know how to use a firearm of any kind?
00:47:36 All right, then.
00:47:37 What do we do now, Sheriff?
00:47:39 Now we ride!
00:47:54 Where are we going?
00:47:56 What?
00:47:58 Where are we going?
00:48:07 Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge of all tracking and finding of
villains,
00:48:10 utilising your well-developed Injun-uity, no offence taken.
00:48:13 So which way do you think they went?
00:48:14 You want to sniff the air or commune with a buffalo or something?
00:48:20 Oh, you're good.
00:48:25 I'm depending on you, Spoons.
00:48:26 You got a little tobaccy in the beard there.
00:48:29 Always good to have a medical man along, Doc.
00:48:32 Reptiles got to stick together, right, my brother?
00:48:35 I'm an amphibian.
00:48:36 Ain't no shame in that.
00:48:41 You sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?
00:48:45 Well, you got a little something in your eye there.
00:48:47 Oh, that? That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.
00:48:52 Well, I'm glad to hear it's not contagious.
00:48:55 Now, just wait a cotton-picking minute! A posse ain't no place for a...
00:49:00 Never mind.
00:49:01 Hold on there, little sister.
00:49:03 Someone's gonna have to look after the town while I'm gone.
00:49:07 Can I gut-shoot someone?
00:49:10 Let's put a pin in that.
00:49:12 Sheriff, you're going to bring that water back, aren't you?
00:49:16 Count on it, little sister.
00:49:21 - Which way do we go, Sheriff? - There's tunnels everywhere.
00:49:24 Whole town's perforated with them.
00:49:25 He got more holes in him than even a painted lady on a porcupine.
00:49:29 Hey, my daddy took me to her place.
00:49:32 Not what I expected.
00:49:35 How'd them fellers find the bank, anyway?
00:49:38 Gentlemen, if we can just stay on task here.
00:49:40 Sheriff! Over here!
00:49:48 - Would you look at that? - Like seeing the face of God.
00:49:49 Amen, brother.
00:49:50 I remember when it used to flow every Wednesday.
00:49:53 Those were the halcyon days.
00:49:55 Must be a reason she quit on us.
00:49:57 Whatever the reason, something is controlling this here water.
00:50:00 What do you say, Sheriff?
00:50:03 Clearly, the robbers came from this direction.
00:50:06 I say we track this pipe back to its hydraulic origin
00:50:09 and apprehend the culprits behind this aquatic conundrum.
00:50:11 - What'd he say? - I think he said follow the pipe.
00:50:13 - He said follow the pipe. - He said follow the pipe.
00:50:20 Sure is humid down here.
00:50:22 Yeah. It's like the big mud piles.
00:50:25 I had a goitre removed once.
00:50:27 Looked like Tony Bennett stepping out of the shower.
00:50:30 I put that on a tortilla.
00:50:43 Whatever you do, do not look down.
00:50:50 - What is this place? - It's an aquifer.
00:50:55 What's an aquifer?
00:50:56 Well, it's for aqua.
00:50:59 Well, it's empty now.
00:51:19 That's a big one.
00:51:23 - It's the end of the line. - Don't go no further.
00:51:26 Now that there is a path. It's got to be connected to something.
00:51:30 You talk too much. Why don't you put a cork in it?
00:51:32 Why don't you put a cork... Tell you where the sun don't shine.
00:51:35 Your mama did. I'll cook her right up.
00:51:36 You two just don't get it, do you?
00:51:38 Someone or something is messing with our hydration
00:51:41 and that pipe has got something to do with it.
00:51:43 I thought we was following bank robbers!
00:51:45 We're experiencing a paradigm shift.
00:51:47 I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't shut up!
00:51:50 Go ahead and try!
00:51:53 Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling. You're affecting my cogitation.
00:51:58 Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches.
00:52:06 Sure enough.
00:52:08 Smart thinking there, feller.
00:52:10 - Start climbing. - Get your foot out of my face!
00:52:12 Not bad, huh, Beans?
00:52:14 You keep thinking like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
00:52:16 Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just...
00:52:19 Hot, hot! Burn.
00:52:32 Poor things. All they wanted was a little water.
00:52:35 Cactus dying of thirst. It don't bode well.
00:52:38 - Hey, look what I found! - What you got there?
00:52:40 - I saw that first! - Hey, that's mine!
00:52:43 Give me that!
00:52:45 It's empty anyway.
00:52:47 I knew that.
00:52:48 Where'd you find that?
00:52:49 Sheriff! You're going to want to see this!
00:52:56 It's Mr Merrimack from the bank.
00:52:57 What's he doing here?
00:52:59 - Everybody stand back. - All right, let me see.
00:53:00 Looks like them varmints shot him in the back.
00:53:03 No, this man wasn't shot. He was drowned!
00:53:07 - Drowned? - In the middle of the desert?
00:53:10 What a way to go.
00:53:13 Well, now, whose boot prints are those?
00:53:20 That's interesting. The ground's still wet.
00:53:24 I suppose we should bury him.
00:53:26 I don't know. Birds got to eat, too.
00:53:27 Circle of life!
00:53:30 Sherriff.
00:53:31 Will you say a few words?
00:53:33 Yeah. Yeah.
00:53:38 Dearly beloved.
00:53:39 We are gathered here today to honour this man.
00:53:44 Mr Merrimack,
00:53:46 you have the right to remain silent.
00:53:47 Speak now or forever hold your peace.
00:53:50 Amen.
00:53:51 - Amen. - Amen.
00:53:52 Hey! What's that dad-gum Indian doing?
00:53:58 I see you're consulting with the spirits.
00:54:01 No, I'm moulting. Means I'm ready to mate.
00:54:06 I'll keep that in mind.
00:54:08 Cactus fruit.
00:54:09 Ah, yes. The ancient cactus fruit.
00:54:12 I believe your people use it as seasoning
00:54:14 when preparing your native dishes.
00:54:15 Also natural laxative.
00:54:18 Pick up trail.
00:54:20 Three men heading west. One blind, one with
00:54:24 enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
00:54:27 - What did he say? - They're riding sidesaddle.
00:54:30 - We're whispering. - What'd he say?
00:54:31 Someone's got a bad valve.
00:54:33 All right, which one of you fellers needs a check-up?
00:54:36 Awkward.
00:54:39 What exactly are we going to do now?
00:54:43 Now we ride!
00:54:49 That means we're riding now! This moment.