Chapter 10

Attraction and Intimacy

What leads to friendship and attraction?

What is love?
What enables close relationships?
How do relationships end?
NEED TO BELONG
motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide
ongoing, positive interactions
need to belong = autonomy and competence
OSTRACISM
act of ignoring and excluding individuals
requires ignoring or lack of attention in addition to social
exclusion
silent treatment, ghosting, shunning, social indifference

HOW PEOPLE DEAL WITH REJECTION

Self-defeating behavior (e.g., procrastinating by reading)
Withdrawal- self-regulation issues (e.g., not finishing tasks
and not listening to directions)
Aggressive behavior- more likely to disparage or blast
unpleasant noise, cheat, and steal
CYBEROSTRACISM
form of ostracism that occurs in social interactions

Ostracized people exhibit heightened activity in a brain

cortex area that also activates in response to physical pain.
Ostracism's social pain, much like physical pain, increases
aggression.
WHAT LEADS TO FRIENDSHIP AND ATTRACTION

PROXIMITY
geographical nearness
"functional distance"
powerfully predicts liking

(1) INTERACTION
enables people to: explore similarities, sense one another's
liking, and perceive themselves as a social unit
with repeated exposure to someone, our infatuation may
fix on almost anyone who has roughly similar characteristics
and who reciprocates our affection
WHAT LEADS TO FRIENDSHIP AND ATTRACTION

(2) ANTICIPATION OF INTERACTION

anticipating interaction boosts liking
Anticipatory liking- expecting someone will be pleasant and
compatible— increase chance of a rewarding relationship

(3) MERE EXPOSURE

tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more
positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to
them
too much exposure: repetitions are incessant, liking
eventually drops
WHAT LEADS TO FRIENDSHIP AND ATTRACTION

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS

ATTRACTIVENESS AND DATING

for men: attractiveness
for women: honesty, humor, kindness, and dependability

MATCHING PHENOMENON
tendency to chose partners who are a "good match" in
attractiveness and other traits

PHYSICAL-ATTRACTIVENESS STEREOTYPE
presumption that physically attractive people possess other
socially desirable traits
"what is beautiful is good"
WHAT LEADS TO FRIENDSHIP AND ATTRACTION

HALO EFFECT
a cognitive bias: overall impression of a person influences
how we feel and think about their character

WHO IS ATTRACTIVE
Perfect average and symmetry
Evolution and attraction- beauty signals biologically
important information (health, youth, fertility)

Social comparison. What’s attractive to you also depends on

your comparison standards.

The attractiveness of those we love. The more in love a woman

is with a man, the more physically attractive she finds him, and
the less attractive they find others of the opposite sex.
SIMILARITY VS COMPLEMENTARY

Does similarity lead to liking or does liking lead to similarity?

LIKENESS BEGETS LIKING

Roommates and Speed daters- perceived similarity
mattered more than actual similarity
Strangers- among strangers, a person sit closer to those like
themselves
Babies- more likely to choose a toy that pretended to eat
the same or wore the same color as they did
Mimicry as behavioral similarity- people like those who
think and act as they do; natural mimicry increases rapport
Different cultures- similar attitudes, traits, and values help
bring couples together and predict their satisfaction
SIMILARITY VS COMPLEMENTARY

DISSIMILARITY BREEDS DISLIKE

discovering that a person is actually dissimilar tends to
decrease liking
especially if pertaining to our strong moral convictions
Attitude alignment promotes and sustains close
relationships
phenomenon that can lead partners to overestimate
their attitude similarities
perception of those of another race as similar or dissimilar
influences racial attitudes
SIMILARITY VS COMPLEMENTARY

Differences as complementary. Someone who is outgoing and

domineering would naturally complement those who is shy
and submissive.

COMPLEMENTARITY
supposed tendency for people in relationships to complete
what is missing in the other

People seem slightly more prone to like and marry those

whose needs and personalities are similar.

As a general rule: opposites do not attract.

LIKING THOSE WHO LIKE US

Discovering that an appealing person likes you seems to

awaken romantic feelings.

ATTRIBUTION
we often perceive criticism to be more sincere than praise
Ingratiation- use of strategies (flattery) to gain another's
favor
people with low self-esteem focus narrowly on the literal
meaning of compliments
people with high self-esteem attribute more abstract
significane to compliments
LIKING THOSE WHO LIKE US

SELF-ESTEEM AND ATTRACTION

those with shattered self-esteem are presumably hungry for
social approval
lower expectations of acceptance lead low self-esteem
individuals to behave in a less warm and friendly manner
when they focus on their own strengths, they feel more
secure in their relationships

GAINING ANOTHER'S ESTEEM

Nice words have more credibility coming after not-so-nice
words
RELATIONSHIP REWARDS

Attraction involves the one who is attracted and the

attractor.
We are attracted to those we find it satisfying and gratifying
to be with.

REWARD THEORY OF ATTRACTION

we like those whose behavior is rewarding to us or whom
we associate with rewarding events
we like those we associate with good feelings

Phenomenon of liking and disliking by association

friendly participants chose to interact with someone similar-
looking; however, if she was unfriendly, they will avoid
similar-looking women
RELATIONSHIP REWARDS

SIMPLE THEORY OF ATTRACTION

we like those who reward us and those whom we associate
with rewards

INFLUENCES ON ATTRACTION
1. Proximity
2. Attractiveness
3. Similarity
4. Mutuality
ALL ABOUT LOVE

LOVE
more complex than liking and more difficult to measure
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

PASSIONATE LOVE
state of intense longing for union with another

THEORY OF PASSIONATE LOVE

a given state of arousal can be steered into any of several
emotions
being aroused by any source should intensify passionate
feelings— providing the mind is free to attribute some of
the arousal to a romantic stimulus

Two-factor theory of emotion. When the revved-up men

responded to a woman, they easily misattributed some of their
arousal to her (Arousal × its label = emotion).
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

“The ‘adrenaline’ associated with a wide variety of highs can

spill over and make passion more passionate. (Sort of a ‘Better
loving through chemistry’ phenomenon.)”

This suggests that passionate love is both biological and

psychological.
VARIATIONS IN LOVE

CULTURE AND GENDER

cultures have a concept of romantic love
in those practicing arranged marriage, love tends to follow
rather than precede marriage

"FALLING OUT OF LOVE" STUDIES

men seem to fall out of love more slowly and are less likely
to break up a premarital romance
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

COMPANIONATE LOVE
the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are
deeply intertwined

What enables close relationships?

(1) ATTACHMENT STYLES

Secure attachment- rooted in trust and marked by intimacy
Insecure attachment:
Avoidant attachment- marked by discomfort over, or
resistance to, being close to others
Anxious attachment- marked by anxiety or ambivalence
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

(2) EQUITY
a condition: outcomes people receive from a relationship
are proportional to what they contribute
casual acquaintances exchange benefits
long relationships are not bound to trade similar benefits
Long-term equity: avoid calculating any exchange benefits
Perceived equity and satisfaction: those who perceive their
relationship as inequitable feel discomfort

(3) SELF-DISCLOSURE
revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others
Disclosure reciprocity: tendency for one's intimacy to self-
disclosure to match that of a conversational partner
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

DIVORCE
How do relationships end?

CULTURAL FACTORS
Individualistic: love as a personal want
Collectivists: love as obligation

DIVORCE IN RELATIONSHIPS
enduring relationships are rooted in enduring love and
satisfaction but also in fear of the termination cost, a sense
of moral obligation, and inattention to possible alternative
partners
fear of being single more likely persist in relationships
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

People usually stay married if they:

Married after 20
Both grew up in stable, two-parent homes
Dated for a long while before marriage
Are well and similarly educated
Enjoy a stable income from a good job
Live in a small town or on a farm
Did not cohabit or conceive a pregnancy before
marriage
Are religiously committed
Are of similar age, faith, and education

None of these predictors, by itself, is essential to a stable

marriage.
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

DETACHMENT PROCESS
severing bonds produces a predictable sequence of
agitated preoccupation with the lost partner, followed by
deep sadness and, eventually, the beginnings of emotional
detachment, and a renewed sense of self
Mate Rejection Module: our evolved psychological
processes for cutting ties

When relationships suffer, those without better options or

those who feel invested in a relationship (through time, energy,
mutual friendships, possessions, and perhaps children) will
seek alternatives to exiting the relationship.
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

COPING WITH A FAILING RELATIONSHIP

Loyalty (Waiting for conditions to improve)
problems are too painful to confront and the risks of
separation are too great; hoping the good old days will
return
Neglect (Ignoring partner and allow deterioration)
with painful dissatisfactions ignored, an insidious
emotional uncoupling ensues as the partners talk less
and begin redefining their lives without each other
Voice (Taking steps to improve relationship)
voice concerns and take active steps to improve the
relationship by discussing problems, seeking advice, and
attempting to change
UPS AND DOWNS OF LOVE

SUCCESSFUL COUPLES
Behave more positively
Fight fairly (stating feelings, no insulting)
Depersonalize conflict ("I know it's not your fault)
Think less emotionally and more like an observer