LEIMCP

PRESENTER VIKRAM DHAR

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EMPATHY
E.B Titchener (American Psychologist) used it in its original technical sense ‘Motor Mimicry’
in 1920, rather than the original introduction from Greek empatheia ‘feeling into’ used by
theoreticians for the ability to perceive subjective experience of others.
From Titchener’s theory, empathy stemmed from a physical imitation of the distress
experienced by another person, which then evokes the same feelings in oneself.
Sympathy ~ can be felt for the general plight of another person with no sharing whatever of
what that other person is feeling.
Developmental psychologists have found that infants feel sympathetic distress even before
they fully realize that they exist apart from the other people (children of 3-4 months old cry
together)
Neurology of Empathy: Amygdala and its connections to the association area of the visual
cortex is the key brain circuitry underlying empathy (Biology of Empathy)

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EMPATHY
Focus on others, is the foundation of empathy, and to build social relationships.
There are three distinct kinds of empathy:
 Cognitive Empathy: The ability to understand another person’s perspective

 Emotional Empathy: The ability of feel what someone else feels

 Empathic Concern: The ability to sense what another person needs from you

Cognitive Empathy: enables leaders to present a point of view in a way that the other person
understands the perspective. A skill essential to get the best performance from direct reports.
Exercising cognitive empathy requires leaders to think about feelings rather than to feel them directly.
Cognitive empathy is driven by the same executive circuits that allow us to think about our own
thoughts and to monitor the feelings that flow from them.

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EMPATHY
Emotional Empathy: enabler for effective mentoring, reading group dynamics.
Neuroscience: Ancient parts of the brain beneath the cortex: Amygdala, the hypothalamus,
Hippocampus, and the orbitofrontal cortex – Allowing us to feel fast without thinking deeply.
Enabling emotional empathy depends on two types of attention: Focusing inwards on your own
emotions that got invoked by what others are feeling, and awareness of what other person is
demonstrating on their face, voice, external signs.
Empathic concern: Enables you to sense what people feel, but also what they need from you.
It is a double feeling. We intuitively experience the distress (Amygdala) of another as our own. And in
deciding whether we will meet that person’s needs, we deliberately weigh how much we value his/her
well-being (prefrontal cortex – oxytocin)
Empathetic concern was more in children where parents called strong attention to the distress their
misbehavior causes someone else. Example: How sad you have made her feel, rather than saying
that is not what you are supposed to do, or that was naughty, etc.

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EMPATHY
Repeated exchanges that take place between parent and child provides the basic lessons of
emotional life. Important moments are those where a child knows that his/her emotions are
met with empathy, accepted, and reciprocated, it is a process called Attunement (by Daniel
Stern, Psychiatrist)
Prolonged absence of attunement between parent and child takes a tremendous toll on the
emotional development of the child. They will become passive, and that becomes their way
of life in adulthood.
This can be corrected in ‘reparative relationships’. Relationships throughout life with friends,
relatives, or in psychotherapy/coaching – continually reshape the working model of
relationships.
Note: Most of the criminals are misattuned.

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EMPATHY
For coaches too much emotional empathy can lead to compassion fatigue.
For leaders at work place it can lead to anxiety about people and circumstances that are beyond anyone’s
control.

If you are speaking with someone who is upset, shift from heart to heart of emotional empathy to the head
to heart of cognitive empathy (Allow prefrontal cortex to kick in)
Note: It is harder to empathize with people if you have been in their shoes (You will cognitively rationalize
the difficulty by your own resilience around the situation)
It’s exhausting – Jobs that require constant empathy, can lead to compassion fatigue.
It is zero sum – It depletes itself, and drains energy and cognitive resources. If you exhaust empathy at
work, you won’t have any left to use at home.
It can erode ethics – You may give up on your ethics/values if you over empathize.

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EMPATHY IS ERODED WHEN YOU GET POWERFUL
As a person whether you are a team lead/leader/manager/director a regular check-in will go a long way in ensuring
that you stay grounded.
Preventive maintenance & some self inventory check-in questions:
 Do you have a coach/mentor/teacher/guide/well-wisher with whom you do a regular checkin, and get feedback
about your behaviours/state of mind?
 Do you have a network (family, colleagues from different organizations, friends) who does not care about your title,
and you stay in touch with them, not looking at their title?
 Do you admit your mistakes, and acknowledge that you were wrong in various contexts, or do you brush your
mistakes aside, especially when it is a group setting?
 Are you the same person at work place, at home, with friends, in social gatherings, etc.? Or do you put a different
persona at different places?
 Do you like spotlight, and do not allow others to come into that? Do you share the success with others or do you
hog the limelight?
 Do you demand privileges, and throw your title around in different situations?
 Do you make decisions without taking into consideration others, and their opinions? Do the decisions you make
reflect your true values, or you make them to retain your power?
 How do you get feedback on not walking the talk?
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FLUSHING OUT FEELINGS FOR EMPATHY

Modification of Johari Window ~ Joseph Luft and Harry Ingram (1955)

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FLUSHING OUT FEELINGS
Quadrant 1: Feelings are known to self and expressed
Listen for the feeling words. I am feeling frustrated because I have not been promoted.
Response: I heard that you have this feeling of frustrating for you over there. I wonder what about not been promoted is making you feel
that way?
Quadrant 2: Observe body language/ask questions
I observe that sales are not happening. I am unable to concentrate. If you were in my position what would you be feeling?
Response: If I was in your position, I would feel concerned. How is this for you?

Quadrant 3: Observe body language/give feedback/provide observation

I notice that in the meeting you were quiet. What is going on with you?

Quadrant 4: Not addressed

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LISTENING SKILLS TO DEMONSTRATE EMPATHY

Four levels of Paraphrasing:

Level 1. Paraphrasing content
Level 2. Paraphrasing feelings
Level 3. Paraphrasing feelings and content
Level 4. Paraphrasing feelings, content, and meaning

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LEVELS OF EMPATHETIC RESPONSE
Case Study: John has been asked by his head of the department to take up another class during
summer, along with his regular classes as a professor, and that involves learning the subject, creating
new content. His son needs his help at home with his summer project, and his daughter has a hockey
game during summer, which he will miss.
John goes to his chairperson to have a conversation. Chairperson can come up with another of the
response.
Level 1. You have a lot on your plate. Can you say ‘No’ to the head, or get some help for your son?
Level 2. You seem very stressed.
Level 3. You seem stressed while trying to manage work and family commitments. You also seem
disappointed that you will miss your daughter’s hockey game.
Level 4. You seem stressed while trying to manage work and family commitments. You seem to be
anxious that someone will be upset and let down. It must be hard for you to not be available for
everyone.
Four levels of Paraphrasing:
Level 1. Paraphrasing content
Level 2. Paraphrasing feelings
Level 3. Paraphrasing feelings and content
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Level 4. Paraphrasing feelings, content, and meaning
LEVELS OF EMPATHETIC RESPONSE
Case Study: Tom has been given extra work by his client to be completed on his week off, on
which he had planned a vacation with his siblings. He also has some assignments to be
completed for his MBA, and also had planned grocery shopping with his wife. Tom is upset,
and discussed this situation with his team leader.
Team leader can come up with these responses?
Level 1.
Level 2.
Level 3.
Level 4.
Four levels of Paraphrasing:
Level 1. Paraphrasing content
Level 2. Paraphrasing feelings
Level 3. Paraphrasing feelings and content
Level 4. Paraphrasing feelings, content, 12
and meaning
LISTENING BARRIER CHECKLIST FOR EMPATHY
Put a check next to the one that you do regularly:
 Not listening – You are pretending to listen, as you are engrossed in your own work, and can’t say No to
the person to come some other time, or you are unable to break your state of mind to attend to the
person.
 Selective listening – You are listening to catch a few words, and pretend to listen most of the time.
 Practicing a response – You are in your head and practicing what response will make you sound
Intelligent, and confirm to your own ideas in that situation.
 Cliches of listening – I can understand what is going on, I am with you, I totally relate with you.
 Validations – You are nodding your head during the conversation, and are using a lot of ‘Yeah’ ‘Right’,
etc
 Mis directed questions – Your questions are leading the person towards a response that you want the
person to think about.
 Not focusing – You are getting distracted by your environment, and it appears that you are not paying
attention
 Attending behavior – Your body language is cold, tilted, and your facial expressions are communicating
something else.
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INTENTION / INTERPRETATION GAP

There is always a gap between the intention of the communicator and the interpretation of
the listener.

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INTENTION / INTERPRETATION GAP CHECKLIST
Intention (For speakers ~ Did the speaker)
 Did the speaker make the intention and expectations clearly known?
 Communicate to match the listener’s style?
 Express their assumptions?
 Check to see if they were understood?
 Have clear directions?
Interpretation (For Listeners ~ Did the listener)
 Did the listener hear all the communication?
 Ask clarifying questions?
 Express their assumptions?
 Add to and build on the assumptions?
 Challenge in an effective manner?

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FEEDBACK WHILE ENSURING EMPATHY AND COMPASSION
It is difficult to give feedback. Why?
 Does the individual want to hear the feedback?
 Have I communicated the intent behind of giving the feedback?
 How honest I can be?
 Will I hurt the person’s feelings?
 What if the person becomes defensive?
 What is the person going to do with the feedback?
 Is there going to be an impact on the relationship after the feedback?
 Is this worth my time?
 Is this worth the risk?

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FEEDBACK MODEL – SSBIR
Se the stage: Intention
 I would like to speak with you for 30 minutes. Will
this time work?
 My intention is to help you develop.
 Can I give you some feedback for your development?
State the impact: Stakeholders and time frame, resources
 We lost money and time
 Other team members were angry and disappointed
 The client was not happy, and could withdraw the
extension of the contract

State the situation: What happened and where?

Resolutions: How would you like to see the situation
 In the client meeting today.. resolved?
 In the report you wrote  What thoughts do you have?
State the Behavior: What did you see, hear, without  How can we prevent this from happening?
meanings attached  Instead can you do…?
 When you said…
 When the report was late…
 Client stakeholder mentioned….
 When you came late to the meeting…..

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CASE STUDY SSBIR MODEL

Case Study: John is the team leader of a client delivery team. His team has not been able to deliver
an important deliverable on time, and during his (John’s boss, Ahmad, was also part of the
discussion) discussion with the client (Mark), John could not explain the circumstances due to which
his team could not deliver on time. Mark’s boss Suzie was also part of this discussion. She was totally
angry with the delays, and threatened to invoke penalty clause.
Mark was not informed that there is going to be a delay, and John was a bit irritated while explaining
it to the client (Mark) in front of his boss, and Suzie.
John has been working with this client (Mark) from last 5 years, and considers that there is mutual
respect, rapport, and ease of working with him. They hang out together post work hours.
As John’s boss how will give feedback to John using the SSBIR model?

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LADDER OF INFERENCE

Ladder of inference is an effective EI tool, which helps with Self awareness, effective self awareness, Conflict Management,
Empathy, Communication, Influence, Leadership, Change Catalyst, Teamwork and Collaboration, and Developing others

IAPCCT.COM Chris Argyris and Peter Senge

USING THE LADDER
Using The Ladder of Inference enables a person to look at facts in an unbiased manner, and not come to
conclusion and take actions without tapping into facts, and assumptions. It is a way to use your own
convictions and experiences in a positive manner. The Ladder of Inference can be used in the three
following ways:
1. Is an enabler for your own thoughts and reasoning.
2. Enables effective and clearer communication by making it clear to others how your own reasoning
process works.
3. Asking clarifying questions to understand other person’s assumptions in a relationship.
The Ladder of Inference can be used in every stage of the thought process. Anyone can train him/ herself
to do so by for example asking the following questions:
• What beliefs and conclusions enabled me to act?
• Are my conclusions relevant?
• Were my conclusions based on assumptions? Were those assumptions relevant?
• What logic did I use to interpret my facts, and for assuming?
• How am I selecting the facts to look at?

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CASE STUDY LADDER
Case Study: John is the team leader of a client delivery team. His team has not been able to deliver
an important deliverable on time, and during his (John’s boss, Ahmad, was also part of the
discussion) discussion with the client (Mark), John could not explain the circumstances due to which
his team could not deliver on time. Mark’s boss Suzie was also part of this discussion. She was totally
angry with the delays, and threatened to invoke penalty clause.
Mark was not informed that there is going to be a delay, and John was a bit irritated while explaining
it to the client (Mark) in front of his boss, and Suzie.
John has been working with this client (Mark) from last 5 years, and considers that there is mutual
respect, rapport, and ease of working with him. They hang out together post work hours.
As John ~ how could John have used the ladder?
As John’s boss (Ahmad) ~ how will you use the ladder to give feedback to John?

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COMPASSION A PRODUCTIVITY ENABLER AT WORKPLACE
Compassion makes the difference between understanding and caring.
You have an underperforming employee or someone who made a mistake, the manager/leader deals
generally by being angry, or expressing frustration, or worst case blaming the person in front of the
team.
Or a person can demonstrate compassion and curiosity as a response.
What does research say?
Compassionate response will get you powerful results from the team, as it increases loyalty and trust.
An angry response erodes loyalty and trust, it also inhibits creativity by increasing the employee’s
stress level. Fear, anxiety, lack of safety decreases productivity.

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HOW TO UTILIZE COMPASSION AT WORKPLACE
Next time you get triggered, pause.
 Take a moment: Handle your own response, develop awareness.
 Put yourself in the shoes of the other person
 Forgive the person involved in whatever mistake has been committed. It lowers blood pressure of people involved
(Reframe: Could have happened with anyone, focus on how the person contributed in difficult times)
It creates trust, loyalty, creativity, and increase happiness, and better performance.

Stanford meditation – loving kindness (If low on empathy and compassion)

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FEELINGS
Accumulated pressure of feelings causes thoughts.
Gray-LaViolette scientific theory integrates psychology and neurophysiology. Research
demonstrated that feeling tones organize thoughts and memory. Therefore if we let go of a
feeling, we are freeing ourselves from all of the associated thoughts.
We handle feelings in three ways:
 Suppression and Repression: Most common ways to put feelings away and aside.
 Expression: Verbalized and vented.
 Escape: Coping mechanism to avoid paying attention to them

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FEELINGS ~ SUPPRESSION AND REPRESSION
The feelings that we suppress or repress are based on the conscious and unconscious
programs that we carry from social custom, environment, etc.
We repress a feeling, it is because there is so much guilt and fear over the feeling that it is
not even consciously felt at all. It is being repressed as soon as it threatens to emerge.
Repressed feelings are kept repressed by denial and projection. Because of guilt and fear
we repress the impulse and we deny its presence within us (The Body). Instead of feeling it,
we project it onto the world, and those around us. We experience the feeling as if it
belonged to them. Mind searches for justification to reinforce the projection to boost own
self-esteem.
People and environment becomes the enemy.

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FEELINGS ~ EXPRESSION & ESCAPE

Expression: Feeling is vented out, stated in body language, and acted out. It lets out just
enough so that rest of the feeling can be suppressed, and to take it out from conscious
awareness.
Venting it out gives it more energy, and spoils the relationship.
Escape: Diversion strategies. Alcohol, drugs, Television, Texting, Working, Overeating,
Gambling, Socializing.

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FEELINGS & STRESS
Stress results from the accumulated pressure of our repressed and suppressed feelings.
The energy of our blocked off feelings re emerges through our autonomic nervous system
and causes pathological changes leading to disease processes.
Stress is our emotional reaction/degree of reactivity to a precipitating stimulus.
The rationalizing mind prefers to keep the true causes of emotions/feelings out of
awareness and utilizes the mechanism of projection to do that. People blame others for
their internal state. He made me angry. That caused anxiety.
The suppressed and repressed feelings seek and outlet and utilize the environmental
events/people as triggers to vent out. This is called displacement in psychiatry.
When the pressure of suppressed and repressed feelings exceed the individual’s tolerance
level, the mind will create an event (outside), upon which to vent and displace itself.

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FEELINGS ~ LETTING GO MECHANICS

Being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without
wanting to do anything. The first step is to allow yourself to have the feeling without resisting it,
venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it. Drop judgement, and see it is just a
feeling. Let go of wanting to resist the feeling. A feeling that is not resisted will disappear as the
energy behind it will dissipates. Ignore any thoughts that come up while you are doing this.
Thoughts are merely rationalizations of the mind to try and explain the presence of the feeling.
All feelings are survival programs that mind believes are necessary.
The idea is to practice this so that feelings come and come, and you are not your feelings, and the
‘you’ is just witnessing them. You raise your consciousness level so that you become the witness
rather than the experiencer of phenomena.

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FEELINGS ~ HANDLING EMOTIONAL CRISIS
Case Study: A person lost his job, and is feeling overwhelmed.
Utilize first 3 methods, push as much feeling as possible aside (suppress), vent it out (express – talk
therapy), and deploy escapism methods (play with dog/watch movie/spend time with friends, etc)
Fourth, we look at smaller aspects around that job: Letting go of the attachment to the title, letting go
of the lunch at cafeteria, letting go of driving the car and having a designated parking, etc. The idea
is to get into a mode of letting go. The main event becomes less and less oppressive.
Fifth: Every strong complex emotional state has associated underlying emotions, which will surface
once the main emotional state has diminished.
Anger – I got fired
Fear – Whether I will get another job
Healing the Past (Final step) – Creation of a different context. Giving situation a different meaning.
We acknowledge the hidden gift in it (Logotherapy – Viktor Frankl)

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