Do You Feel Anxious Around

Women? Don’t Let Them See It

Women are attracted to confidence, and anxiety is the opposite of

confidence. So if women don’t find anxiety sexy, but it’s a normal
feeling, what can we do about it?

Having recently lost a lover because of anxious thoughts, I figured it

would be useful to cover how to address anxiety with women and
dating.

While anxiety is a normal human emotion, some people feel it more

than others. It’s a terrible weakness to display around a woman and
is the opposite emotion from a “turn-on” and sexual excitement.

Think back to your most memorable sexual experiences, if you’ve

had some. Was anxiety present? Would anxiety have helped the
experience? If yes, did the anxiety make the situation better?

Most likely, your best experiences around women involve no

anxiety at all. But if you’ve had experiences that did include
anxiety, and I’ve had many, I can attest that these moments
become question marks in women’s eyes.

Anxiety, especially if it shows up at critical moments like the first

kiss or the first escalation, can ruin your chances to get a woman
and keep seeing her.

Men will often experience anxiety and nervousness in critical

moments during a seduction:

The approach
The first date
The pull home
The first kiss and first sexual escalation

On the journey of getting better with women, men must train

themselves to never feel anxiety around women, particularly in the
critical moments mentioned above. As a rule, it’s best to avoid
showing any anxiety around a woman you want to be sexual with.

Anxiety Is Perceived as Weakness

Your anxiety may or may not be justified. It could be that you have a
depressive personality, you ARE easily anxious and get stressed out,
or there’s an event outside your control stressing out your life. For
instance, COVID-19 is causing extreme anxiety today, even with
those unaffected. Or maybe you were fired or laid off recently.
Whatever the reason, your anxiety is a physical and expressive
manifestation of weakness.
 Anxiety is your body’s emotional response to a
perceived threat.

It’s your body releasing endorphins, adrenaline, and

focusing your mental effort and physical body to
prepare to fight the source of this threat. It gives you
mental alertness but also puts your whole body on a critical alert to
deal with the issue.

However, feeling nervousness is an indication

that there’s a threat to the body and mind the
ego feels ill-equipped to handle.

Your body and mind are putting the weakness in

your face saying, “address this!” The opposite of
anxiety is confidence, a sign of strength.

Your body and ego believe that anxiety will ensure your survival, but
anxiety is not sexy.

It’s not confidence, self-assuredness, or outcome independence. All

three are what women find attractive in men, and anxiety removes
them instantly. Finally, the anxious vibe that your body projects is
not one of the three qualities that women like!

So how do women perceive anxiety?

She’ll Assume You Are Weak

The relationship between anxiety and women is one of opposites.

Anxiety and women do NOT connect and get along, especially if a
girl starts seeing anxiety in a man. As we know, women have many
tests and tools to gauge a man; they can also pick up on a man’s
vibe, and ultimately deem a man’s position and worthiness based on
the outward signals he projects.

We know that confidence, self-assuredness, and outcome

independence (not giving a damn) are what women find invaluable
in a man, and anxiety projects quite the opposite. Anxiety destroys
attraction, simply put!

Since women seek and rely on a man’s strength, she expects

that a man will be her rock when she’s with him. A woman seeks
her better half, whether it’s an F-buddy or something more serious.
Girls want to know they’re with a man who is better than they are.
Women seek men who are strong mentally and project strength
physically so they can feel safe and secure under his leadership and
guidance. She seeks strength so she can feel safe, and an anxious
man won’t fill her with confidence.

One reason for this dynamic is because WOMEN are the most
anxiety-prone sex, and most anxiety disorders like depression and
extreme stress affect more women than men. Women’s
reproductive cycles have the effect of destabilizing her emotions
and moods. Most women are aware of this. That doesn’t mean
they’ll give a guy a free pass if he does the same! Women expect a
man’s mental strength to be in balance so she feels secure with him.

Further, when a woman is with a man (especially in a sexual

context), she wants to feel turned on. Anxiety is a turn-on killer.
Sexual excitement is driven by self-confidence, an outward focus
toward the partner, excitement, and energy. Anxiety is driven by
nervousness, ruminating thoughts, an inward focus, feeling unhappy
or stressed, and generally being “out of the moment.”

Sexual pleasure is derived from total presence. You cannot have

good sex if you both do not focus on each other. Anxiety, as it
fills your mind and presence, takes away the focus you’d apply
to being sexy and showing her a good time.

Anxiety distracts from sex in much the same way cellphones do.
And it has the same effect of making her think you're not into it.
Unfortunately, anxiety isn't so easy to turn off.

Finally, women are highly sensitive to vibe and emotions. They have
the spectacular ability to transfer the emotions of others into
themselves and harbor them. So the concept of state transference
is crucial here. A man can look at a woman sexually while thinking
about having sex with her, and this arouses her through transferring
his state. Or a guy can meet a girl in a night club and project a dark,
sexual demeanor that she’ll pick up on and adapt if she follows his
lead. Unfortunately, you can transfer your anxiety to a woman by
projecting it on her. This kills attraction.

So if women don’t find anxiety sexy, but it’s a normal feeling,

what can we do about it? More importantly, how can we be
vulnerable about the anxiety in a way that doesn’t affect her
confidence in her man, if she notices and asks about it?

Anxiety and Vulnerability

Anxiety is a weakness, and people seek security in times of

weakness. Thus, anxiety directly feeds into needy behavior. An
anxious person wants comfort, reassurance, and to discuss the
situation, which is the opposite of confidence, self-assuredness,
and outcome independence, the qualities that are sexy to women.

Therein lies the rub. You cannot address your anxiety around
women who find you attractive and sexy without gutting their
attraction for you.

I’ve noticed that whenever I feel anxiety AND I’m around a woman, I
seek comfort from the women. If she cares about you, often she’ll
notice something is wrong in your vibe, and she’ll ask you what’s
going on. Unfortunately, in my experience, being vulnerable about
your anxiety will only maintain the stability 20–25% of the time. The
other 75-80%, women will want to engage you and your anxiety and
listen to you. At the same time, their attraction will drop as you
explain yourself. The dynamic begins to shift from lover-lover to
therapist-patient.

I find the first group of women extremely valuable; they see the
humanity in a man. However, I cannot blame women for their biology
and wiring, which tells them anxiety is a sign of weakness. So even if
she wants to genuinely listen to you and help you feel better, for you
to openly discuss your anxiety poses a significant risk of destroying
what you have with her.

At the same time, women LOVE a little vulnerability in a man,

and we have several articles here about vulnerability and
attraction, and how to show vulnerability to women.

Exactly how does this work, when being vulnerable about anxiety
kills attraction?

When girls appreciate a vulnerable, Byronic man, for example, they

understand that he’s inherently a STRONG man who happens to
have events in his life he cannot control, and THAT brings him down.
It’s a superior outside force out of his control, instead of his inner
weakness from anxiety. Thus, women can respect the strength of a
man in the first scenario but will lose all respect for the same man in
the second scenario.

The key question is how a woman perceives his vulnerability. Is it

coming from a place of strength, or a place of weakness?

How to Address Anxiety Around Women

It’s inevitable that, at some point, you’ll be around a woman and
experience anxiety of some kind. As we’ve established, showing
anxiety around a woman will erase her attraction for you. What is a
man to do?

Consider these options:

If you have a date scheduled and you’re feeling anxious, it’s

better to keep the date than to reschedule. Deal with the
anxiety, and try to have fun.

Make it clear that SHE did not cause the anxiety. Some
women will assume that if a man is feeling anxious (especially
on a first date), she’s the cause. If you feel this vibe, be clear
and allude to the anxiety being about something else. For
instance, “I feel so distracted today, work was stressful
 because of XYZ.”

It's a catch-22: he's anxious because he REALLY likes her, but she
assumes he's anxious because he doesn't really like her.

If the anxiety DOES involve something around HER, make

sure you redirect the anxiety when she asks about it. Pin it
to a situation outside your control that doesn’t involve her! For
instance, I once had anxiety with first-time sex with a woman.
As we were naked and about to have sex, my body created an
anxious feeling, and I couldn’t get hard, prompting her to ask
what was wrong, thinking I didn’t find her attractive. I had two
choices: tell her about my anxiety with sex (weak) OR pin it on
something else, like having a stressful day at work with an
unruly client that was still on my mind (and I needed a moment
to get over it). “It was just one of those days.” This is a much
better frame than telling her you've got a nervous noodle.

If you’re going to see her, do activities with her that actively

get rid of the anxiety:
 1. Force yourself to smile. Your emotions follow your
thoughts and physical behavior. Changing physical
behavior will change your emotions.
2. Monitor your thoughts and actively change them.
Changing your thoughts will also change your emotions.
3. Most of all, stop giving a damn! Stop caring about
whatever you’re caring about. Tell yourself, “I don’t care
about this; it doesn’t matter at all.”

Recently a lover from abroad stayed with me for several weeks but
then went to California where she met a guy. Over time I noticed
that her previously frequent communication with me had dwindled
to a trickle. She stopped texting me, and I figured out it was
because she was seeing this new guy. Even though she was
responsive to my texts, the situation gave me extreme anxiety,
because I felt like she chose another man over me.

I was supposed to meet her in California for a weekend, and she was
acting fickle. When I talked to her, my anxiety was on full display; it
wasn’t pretty. But the second time I spoke to her to arrange the trip,
I jotted down my feelings about the situation that forced my
thoughts to shift. I kept telling myself, “I don’t care! It doesn’t matter
what she does.” This was the shift I needed (outcome
independence). Even though she changed plans, in the end, I was
able to control my insecurities, which maintained her attraction, and
still let her meet and screw me. It was a good weekend, just shorter
than I wanted because of my anxiety!

The Right Way to Be Vulnerable

There are right and wrong ways to be vulnerable with women.

Never, ever show vulnerability or weakness around women who are

F-buddies. To show any weakness around her is a straight shot to
her cutting you off. You’re just there for good times and good
raunchy sex. Anxiety will ruin that experience for her, and she’ll
wonder if you’ll show weakness instead of ravaging her in the
future, too.

If she’s more than just an F-buddy, perhaps an mLTR, oLTR, or

mono-girlfriend, then it’s okay to be vulnerable with her ONLY if the
source of your anxiety is outside of your control.

We’ll follow up with another article that discusses vulnerability

further, and I’ll dive deeper into this topic. Stay tuned!

Varoon