00:12 You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

你知道，我并不是想成为一名育
儿专家。
00:16 In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per se. 事实上，我本身对养育
孩子并不是很感兴趣。
00:21 It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind
of messing up kids, 只是现在有一种特定的养育方式让孩子们感到困惑，
00:28 impeding their chances to develop into their selves. 阻碍他们发展自我的机会。
00:33 There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.
如今，有一种特定的养育方式正在成为障碍。
00:37 I guess what I'm saying 我猜我在说什么
00:38 is We spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't
involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing,
我们花了很多时间非常关心那些没有充分参与孩子的生活、教育或成长的父母，
00:46 and rightly so. 确实如此。
00:48 But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there.
但另一方面，也存在很多危害。
00:53 where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting
and preventing 父母认为如果父母不保护和预防孩子就不可能成功
00:58 it every turn and hovering over every happening and micromanaging every
moment and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
它每一个回合，盘旋在每一个发生的事情上，对每一个时刻进行微观管理，引导他们的孩子走向大学和职
业的一小部分。
01:10 When we raise kids this way and I'll say Because Lord knows, in raising my
two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself. 当我们以这种方式抚养孩子时，我会说
因为上帝知道，在抚养我的两个青少年时，我自己也有这些倾向。
01:20 Our kids end up leading a kind of checklist to childhood. 我们的孩子最终会为童
年制定一份清单。
01:25 And here's what the checklist to childhood looks like. 这就是童年清单的样子。
01:27 We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered. 我们确保它们安全无恙并提供食
物和水。
01:34 And then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, 然后我们要确保他们去
正确的学校，
01:36 but not just that, 但不仅如此，
01:37 that they're in the right classes at the right schools, 他们在正确的学校的正
确的班级，
01:38 and they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools,
他们在正确的学校的正确的班级里取得了正确的成绩，
01:41 but not just the grades, 但不仅仅是成绩，
01:42 the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the
awards, and the sports, and the activities, and the leadership. 分数，不仅仅是成绩和
分数，还有荣誉和奖项、体育运动、活动和领导力。
01:48 We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want
to see that, and check the box for community service. 我们告诉我们的孩子，不要只是加入俱
乐部，而是要创办俱乐部，因为大学希望看到这一点，并勾选社区服务框。
01:55 I mean, show the colleges you care about. 我的意思是，向你关心的大学展示。
01:58 And all of this is done to some hope for a degree of perfection. 所有这一切都是
为了达到一定程度的完美。
02:05 We expect our kids to perform at a of perfection we were never asked to
perform at ourselves. 我们希望我们的孩子能够表现得完美，而我们自己却从未被要求表现得完美。
02:11 And so because so much is required, we think. 我们认为，因为需要做的事情太多了。
02:14 Well, then, of course, we parents have to argue with every teacher and
principal and coach and 那么，当然，我们家长必须与每一位老师、校长、教练争论，
02:20 referee and act like our kids concierge and personal handler and secretary.
充当裁判，就像我们的孩子礼宾员、私人经理和秘书一样。
02:28 And then with our kids, 然后和我们的孩子一起，
02:29 our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting,
haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not sure. 我们亲爱的孩子
们，我们花了很多时间催促、哄骗、暗示、讨价还价、唠叨，以确保他们不确定。
02:39 Not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped for admission to a
tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant. 有些人希望能进入少数几所几乎
拒绝所有申请者的大学，但他们并没有关门，也没有毁掉自己的未来。
02:54 And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
这就是在这个清单式的童年里作为一个孩子的感觉。
03:00 First of all, there's no time for free play. 首先，没有时间自由玩耍。
03:03 There's no room in the afternoons because everything has to be enriching, we
think. 我们认为下午没有时间，因为一切都必须丰富。
03:08 It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make or
break moment for this future. 就好像每一份作业、每一次测验、每一项活动都是这个未来的成败时刻。
03:14 We have in mind for them and we absolve them of helping out around the house
我们为他们着想，我们免除他们帮忙做家务的责任
03:18 and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking
off the items on their checklist. 只要他们核对清单上的项目，我们甚至可以免除他们充足的睡眠。
03:27 And in the checklisted childhood, 在清单上的童年里，
03:28 we say we just want them to be happy, 我们说我们只是希望他们幸福，
03:30 but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is
their homework and their grades. 但当他们放学回家时，我们首先询问的往往是他们的作业和成绩。
03:38 And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that they're very
worth comes from age. 他们从我们的脸上看到我们的认可、我们的爱、他们的价值来自于年龄。
03:47 And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at
the Westminster Dog Show, 然后我们和它们一起走，像威斯敏斯特狗展上的驯兽师一样咯咯地表扬，
03:55 coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther day after
day after day. 日复一日地哄着他们跳得更高一点，飞得更远一点。
04:03 And when they get to high school, they don't say, well, what might I be
interested in studying or doing as an activity? 当他们进入高中时，他们不会说，好吧，我可能
对学习或做什么感兴趣？
04:09 They go to counselors and they say, what do I need to do to get into the
right college? 他们去找辅导员，他们说，我需要做什么才能进入合适的大学？
04:15 And then, 进而，
04:16 when the grades start to roll in in high school, 当高中成绩开始上升时，
04:18 and getting some bees, 并得到一些蜜蜂，
04:19 or God forbid some seas, they frantically text their friends and say, has
anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades? 或者上帝禁止某些海洋，
他们疯狂地给朋友发短信说，有人以这些成绩进入了合适的大学吗？
04:30 And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,
they're breathless. 而我们的孩子，无论高中毕业后的成绩如何，他们都气喘吁吁。
04:37 They're brittle, 它们很脆，
04:38 they're a little burned out, 他们有点烧焦了，
04:40 they're a little old before their time, 他们比他们的时代有点老了，
04:42 wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said what you've done is enough,
this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough. 愿生命中的大人们说，你所做的一切已
经足够了，你童年所付出的努力也已经足够了。
04:49 And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression, 他们现
在在高度焦虑和抑郁的情况下正在枯萎，
04:54 and some of them are Will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
其中一些是这样的生活是否值得？
05:01 Well, we parents. 嗯，我们父母。
05:03 We parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. 我们父母非常确信这一切都是值得的。
05:07 We seem to behave. 我们似乎表现得很规矩。
05:08 It's we literally think they will have no future 我们确实认为他们没有未来
05:10 if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have
in mind for them. 如果他们没有进入我们为他们考虑的一小部分大学或职业中的一所。
05:18 Or maybe, 或者可能，
05:20 we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends
and with stickers on the backs of our cars. 我们只是担心他们不会有一个可以向我们的朋友
吹嘘并在我们的汽车后面贴上贴纸的未来。
05:29 Yeah. 是的。
05:36 But if you look at what we've done, 但如果你看看我们所做的事情
05:39 if you have the courage to really look at it, 如果你有勇气真正去看看
05:42 you'll see that not only do our kids think they're worth comes from grades
and scores. 你会发现，我们的孩子认为自己的价值不仅来自于成绩和分数。
05:46 But that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the
time, 但当我们一直生活在他们宝贵的、正在发展的思想中时，
05:52 like our very own version of the movie, being John Malkovich, we send our
children the message, hey kid. 就像我们自己的电影版本一样，约翰·马尔科维奇，我们向孩子
们传达这样的信息：嘿孩子。
05:59 I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me. 我认为如果没有
我，你实际上无法实现这一切。
06:04 And so with our over-help, our over-protection, over-direction and
handholding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build South Africa. 因此，由于我们
的过度帮助、过度保护、过度指导和掌控，我们剥夺了我们的孩子建设南非的机会。
06:12 which is a really fundamental tenant of the human psyche far more important
than that self-esteem they get every time we have applaud. 这是人类心灵的一个真正基本的
租户，比每次我们鼓掌时他们获得的自尊更重要。
06:21 Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes.
当一个人看到自己的行为带来结果时，就会建立自我效能感。
06:28 Not...there you go. 不……就这样吧。
06:34 Not one's parents' 不是一个人的父母
06:35 actions on one's But when one's own actions lead to outcomes, 但是当一个人自
己的行为导致结果时，
06:40 so simply put, 简单地说，
06:42 if our children are to develop self-efficacy and they must,如果我们的孩子要培养
自我效能感，他们必须，
06:47 then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, 然后他们必须做更多的
思考，
06:50 planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and
experiencing of life, life for themselves. 计划、决定、行动、希望、应对、尝试和错误、
梦想和体验生活、为自己生活。
07:01 Now, am I saying every kid is hardworking and motivated and doesn't need a
parent's involvement or interest in their lives and we should just back off 现在，
我是说每个孩子都很勤奋、有动力，不需要父母参与或对他们的生活感兴趣，我们应该退后一步
07:10 and let go. 然后放手。
07:12 Hell no. 一定不行。
07:14 That is not what I'm saying. 我不是这个意思。
07:16 What I'm saying is when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards
as the purpose of childhood, 我想说的是，当我们把成绩、分数、荣誉和奖励视为童年的目的时，
07:22 all in furtherance of some hoped for admission to a tiny number of colleges
or entrants to a small number of careers. 所有这些都是为了促进一些人希望进入少数大学或进入少
数职业。
07:29 That that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. 对于我们的孩子
来说，这对成功的定义太狭隘了。
07:33 And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by over-
helping like they 即使我们可能会像他们一样通过过度帮助来帮助他们取得一些短期胜利
07:38 get a better grade if we help with do their homework, they might end up with
a longer childhood resume when we help. 如果我们帮助他们做作业，他们会取得更好的成绩，当我
们帮助他们时，他们可能会得到更长的童年简历。
07:47 What I'm saying is, is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their
sense of self. 我想说的是，所有这一切都会以他们的自我意识为长期代价。
07:52 What I'm saying is we should be less concerned with a specific set of
colleges they 我想说的是，我们不应该太关心他们所开设的一组特定大学。
07:57 might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they
have the habits, 可能能够申请或可能进入并且更关心他们有这些习惯，
08:03 the mindset, the skillset, the wellness to be successful wherever they go.
无论他们身在何处，都能取得成功的心态、技能和健康状况。
08:10 What I'm saying is our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades
and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for
their success built on things like 我的意思是，我们的孩子需要我们少一些对成绩和分数的痴迷，
而对童年更加感兴趣，为他们的成功奠定基础，例如
08:24 love and chores. 爱情和家务。
08:35 did I just say chores? 我刚才说的是家务活吗？
08:37 Did I just say chores? 我刚才有说家务吗？
08:38 I really did. 我真的做到了。
08:40 But really, here's why. 但实际上，这就是原因。
08:44 The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted, it's called the
Harvard Grant Study. 这是迄今为止对人类进行的最长的纵向研究，它被称为哈佛格兰特研究。
08:50 It found that professional success in life, 研究发现，生活中职业上的成功，
08:52 which is what we want for that professional success in life comes from having
done chores as a kid. 这就是我们所希望的，生活中的职业成功来自于小时候做的家务。
08:58 And the earlier you started, the better. 而且越早开始越好。
09:00 That'll roll up your sleeves and pitch in mindset, 这会让你卷起袖子并投入心态，
09:02 a that says there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as
well be me. a 说有一些不愉快的工作，必须有人去做，最好是我。
09:07 A mindset that says I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the
whole. 这种心态表明我将为整体的进步贡献自己的努力。
09:11 that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. 这就是让你在工作场所取得成功
的原因。
09:14 Now we all know this, you know this. 现在我们都知道这一点，你也知道这一点。
09:20 We all know this, 我们都知道这一点，
09:21 and yet in the checklisted childhood, 然而在清单上的童年里，
09:24 we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, 我们免
除孩子们做家务的负担，
09:28 and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting but it
doesn't exist, 然后他们最终成为工作场所的年轻人，仍在等待，但它并不存在，
09:33 and more importantly, 更重要的是，
09:34 lacking the impulse, 缺乏冲动，
09:36 the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and
wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? 他们本能地卷起袖子投入工作，环顾四周并想知
道，我怎样才能对同事有用？
09:43 How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need? 我如何
提前几步预测老板可能需要什么？
09:48 A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant study said that
happiness in life comes from love, 哈佛格兰特研究的第二个非常重要的发现是，生活的幸福来自于
爱，
09:57 not love of work, love of humans, our spouse, our partner, our friends, our
family. 不是对工作的爱，不是对人类、我们的配偶、我们的伴侣、我们的朋友、我们的家人的爱。
10:07 So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love and they can't love others
if they don't first love 所以童年需要教会我们的孩子如何去爱，如果他们不先去爱，他们就无法
爱别人
10:12 themselves and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them Right, and
so. 如果我们不能为他们提供正确的东西，他们就不会爱自己，等等。
10:26 Instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when they come home when our
precious offspring come home from school or we come home from work 当我们珍贵的孩
子放学回家或我们下班回家时，不要沉迷于成绩和分数
10:32 We need to close our technology put away our phones and look them in the eye
and let them see the joy 我们需要关闭我们的技术，收起我们的手机，看着他们的眼睛，让他们看
到快乐
10:38 That fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours,
当我们几个小时后第一次见到我们的孩子时，我们的脸上充满了这种感觉，
10:43 and then we have to say How is your day? 然后我们必须说你今天过得怎么样？
10:47 What did you like about today? 今天你喜欢什么？
10:50 And when your teenage daughter says lunch like mine did and I want to hear
about the math test not 当你十几岁的女儿像我一样说午餐时，我想听听数学考试的情况，而不是
10:58 You have to still take an interest in lunch. 你仍然必须对午餐感兴趣。
11:01 You say, what was great about lunch today? 你说，今天午餐有什么好吃的？
11:04 They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.
他们需要知道他们对我们人类来说很重要，而不是因为他们的 GPA。
11:11 Alright, so you're thinking chores and love, that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break. 好吧，所以你在考虑家务和爱情，这听起来很好，但让我休息一下。
11:17 The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards and
I'm going to tell you sorta. 大学希望看到最高分、成绩、荣誉和奖项，我会告诉你一些。
11:25 The very biggest brand name schools are asking that of our young adults,
最大的品牌学校正在要求我们的年轻人，
11:31 but here's the good Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have
us believe, 但与大学排名球拍让我们相信的相反，这是好的，
11:38 you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and
successful in life, 你不必去最大的名牌学校之一才能获得快乐和成功的生活，
11:48 happy and successful people went to state school, 快乐而成功的人上的是公立学校，
11:51 went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went
to a college over here and one down. 去了一所没人听说过的小大学，去了社区大学，去了这里
的一所大学，还有一所。
12:04 The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth.
证据就在这个房间里，就在我们的社区里，这就是事实。
12:10 And we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more
colleges, 我们可以扩大视野并愿意考虑更多的大学，
12:13 maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this
truth. 也许把我们自己的自我从等式中去掉，我们就可以接受并拥抱这个事实。
12:20 and then realize it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to
one of those big brand-name schools. 然后意识到，如果我们的孩子不去一所大名牌学校，那也
不是世界末日。
12:28 And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a
tyrannical checklist, then when they get to college, whichever one it is. 更重要
的是，如果他们的童年没有按照一份专横的清单度过，那么当他们进入大学时，无论是哪一个。
12:38 Well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own
desire, capable and ready to thrive there. 好吧，他们会自愿去那里，在自己的欲望的推动
下，有能力并准备好在那里茁壮成长。
12:49 I have to admit something to you. 我必须向你承认一件事。
12:52 I've got two kids I mentioned, 我有两个我提到的孩子
12:54 Sawyer and Avery, 索耶和艾弗里，
12:55 their And one I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai
trees, 他们的，我想我把我的索耶和艾弗里当作小盆景树，
13:03 but I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form
of a human 但我要小心地修剪、修剪并塑造成某种完美的人类形态
13:11 that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the
most highly selective colleges. 这可能足以保证他们被最挑剔的大学之一录取。
13:19 But I've come to realize after working with thousands of other people's kids,
and raising two kids of my own. 但在与数千名其他人的孩子一起工作并抚养自己的两个孩子后，
我开始意识到。
13:29 My kids aren't bonsai trees. 我的孩子不是盆景树。
13:33 They're wild flowers. 它们是野花。
13:36 of an unknown genus and species. 未知的属和种。
13:40 And it's my job to provide a nourishing environment 我的工作就是提供一个滋养的环
境
13:44 to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others
and receive love and the college, 通过做家务来增强他们的力量并爱他们，这样他们就可以爱别人
并接受爱和大学，
13:52 the major, the career that's up to them. 专业、职业由他们决定。
13:56 My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to
support them in becoming their glorious selves. 我的工作不是让他们成为我希望他们成为的人，
而是支持他们成为辉煌的自己。
14:07 Thank you. 谢谢。
14:08 Thank you. 谢谢。
14:11 Thank you. 谢谢。