Chapter 14

Love and Relationships

For use with text,

Human Sexuality Today,
5th edition.
Bruce M. King

Slides by Callista Lee

1 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 History of romantic love
“Love means: I want you to be.” St. Augustine
 Romantic love includes idealization of another.
– The loved one is imagined to be perfect, even in his
or her faults.
 Even in cultures where marriages are arranged
and romantic love is officially prohibited
examples are found, although never with one’s
spouse! It is secret and conducted at great risk.
 Love is a basic, primitive human emotion.
2 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Romantic marriages

 Western cultures (and only relatively recently) have

been pretty much alone in supporting the concept
of romantic love being a good reason to marry.
 Men returning from the Crusades engaged in a
nonsexual “courtly love” of married ladies whom
they worshipped from afar much as the Virgin Mary
was worshipped for her purity. This emotionally
intense love was not expressed within marriage.
 Romantic love was not linked with marriage until
the 16th or 17th century.
3 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Love and marriage in the U.S.

 Romantic love was not considered a good

reason to enter into a marriage until the 1800s.
 Mid 1960s, 1/3 men and ¾ women indicated
that being “in love” was not necessary for
marriage, but by 1976 85% said that being “in
love” was a necessity for marriage.
 The big change, especially for women, was
better economic status; financial independence
allowed people to make choices based on love.
4 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Love and marriage cross-culturally
 Although romantic marriages are most often found
in Western, industrialized (individualistic) cultures,
romantic love and marriage has also been found in
several hunting/gathering societies in Africa and
America.
 Polygyny is more common in societies with strong
fraternal interests (with dowries given at marriage)
or where there is warfare for the capture of women
and land for expansion is plentiful.
 Japanese arranged marriages begin with little love,
but within 10 years love is equal to that found in
American marriages based upon love.
5 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Friendship vs. romantic love

 Friendship includes characteristics most

people desire in their spouses and lovers too
– Enjoyment of each other’s company most times
– Acceptance of one another
– Mutual trust; you hold each other’s best
interests
– Mutual assistance in times of need
– Ability to confide in one another
– Understanding each other’s behavior
– Spontaneity; freedom to be yourself
6 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Love is different because of…

 Fascination – preoccupation with the other

 Exclusiveness – not having the same
relationship with others
 Sexual desire – physical intimacy
 Giving the utmost – sacrificing for the other
 Physical attractiveness – preference for higher
levels of attractiveness and social status
 Feeling “in love” vs. loving
7 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 How do I know if this is really love?

 Romantic love includes physiological arousal and a

cognitive interpretation of that arousal as being
caused by the other person.
 The physiological response is like a natural high
(heavy breathing, pounding heart, dry mouth, sweaty palms).
 Feelings of romantic love are associated with 3
brain chemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine and
phenylethylamine – like amphetamines)
 Our thinking (cognitive) brain then tries to figure out
why we feel this way. Is it because I’m in love?

8 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Can my brain be fooling me?

 Schacter & Singer (1962) – participants were injected

with adrenaline (but were told it was vitamin B) and
were put in a room with either a happy-acting person or
an angry-acting person and later found themselves
feeling and acting the way the actor did. Their cognitive
interpretation of their physiological arousal used
environmental cues (the way the other person was
acting) to “decide” what emotion to feel.
 If participants were told to in advance that they would
experience a rush of adrenaline, the actor had no
influence on them.
9 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Love and chocolate

 Chocolate is high in phenylethylamines.

 “Love junkies” search for one romantic “high”
after another, believing that love has faded
when the initial physiological response has
faded.
 The initial physiological response of infatuation
always fades; true love depends on friendship
and commitment to continue past this stage.

10 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Companionate love

 Companionate love is based on togetherness,

trust, sharing, affection, and a concern for the
welfare of the other (more so than passion).
– Realistic and not based on fantasy or ideals.
– Characteristic of the stable type of love found in
lasting adult relationships.
– Associated with chemicals oxytocin & vasopressin.
– Perhaps these substances give long-term lovers a
sense of calm, peace and security.
– Often includes a good, satisfying sexual relationship
11 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Passionate Love

 Researchers equate the word love with

companionate love, and the expression of
feeling in love with passionate love.
 Passionate love – intense longing for union with
another and a state of profound physiological
arousal.
– More sexualized than companionate love
– Tends to decline with time
 Attachment type love – comforts of
predictability and security but little else.
12 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Sex without love; love without sex

 Some people argue that love is unnecessary for

sex; sex can be enjoyed for its own sake.
– Some simply prefer independence over emotional involvement.
Romance is a cultural concept.
 Men are more likely than women to be able to enjoy
sex outside of a loving relationship.
 Love is a feeling, not an act.
– Many couples prefer to reserve their sexuality for marriage or
other committed relationship.
– Celibacy allows time and focus to develop other aspects of the
relationship and finding other ways to express love.
13 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Conditional vs. unconditional love

 Conditional love (deficiency love) – the other

satisfies our needs and fulfills our desires; it is
positively reinforcing. When our needs are no
longer met we fall out of love.
 Unconditional love (being love) does not
depend on the loved one meeting certain
expectations or desires.
– The ideal of parent-child relationships.
– Romantic partners can eventually transcend
conditional love. “I want you to be.” St. Augustine.
14 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Prerequisites of love

 Self-esteem – If you cannot accept and love

yourself, it will be impossible to you to accept
that someone else might love you.
 People who feel confident and self-sufficient do
not require external validation (neediness).
 To accept oneself is to accept one’s
shortcomings as well as one’s strengths.
– Children who have been neglected or abused often
become adults who are unable to feel loved/loving.
15 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Self-disclosure

 A person cannot really love you until they get to

know the real you; this distinguishes love from
infatuation.
 Self-disclosure – a mutual exchange of
vulnerabilities; emotional intimacy.
 Women tend to find self-disclosure easier than
men and tend to self-disclose slightly more than
men.
 Well-timed self-disclosure makes a person more
likable throughout a relationship.
16 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Attachment theory of love (1)

 Studies of Americans showed that the strength

of the infant-caregiver attachment bonds relate
to relationship styles in adulthood.
 Four styles:
– Secure, Anxious-ambivalent, Avoidant (2 subtypes –
dismissive and fearful), Secure-preoccupied.
 It is not completely clear whether these styles
relate well to individuals raised and living adult
lives within other cultures.
17 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Attachment theory of love (2)

 Secure attachment – children learn that parents

are a source of security and trust.
 Adults do not fear abandonment and find it easy
to get close to others.
– More than half of adults are “secure,” have positive
views of themselves and others, are well liked and
strive for a balance of closeness and independence.
– They freely give hugs and other physical comfort,
and show active, positive involvement during
conversations.

18 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Attachment theory of love (3)

 Anxious-ambivalent – parents are inconsistent,

leading to uncertainty in the child
– Actively seek to be near the parent
– Angry sometimes and ambivalent other times
 Adults feel negatively about themselves, are
insecure in relationships, fearing rejection
– Can be desperate in trying to get close to their
partners and end up giving up their independence.
 Secure, preoccupied is similar to this style.
19 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Attachment theory of love (4)

 Avoidants –parents neglect them, and/or under

or over-stimulate them.
 Avoidant adults desire independence because
they have negative views of others, therefore
they have difficulty getting close to their partners;
are not likely to self-disclose.
 Dismissive avoidants have negative views of
others but positive views of themselves.
 Fearful avoidants have negative views of others
and themselves.
20 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

21 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Sternberg’s three key components

 Intimacy – friendship, emotional closeness,

high regard and caring for the other, trust,
mutual understanding, happiness together, etc.
 Passion – physical attraction, fascination,
romance and sexual relations.
 Decision/commitment – decision to commit to
loving the person through good times and bad
and to maintain the relationship over time.

22 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Incomplete triangles

 None of the components are strong = nonlove;

this characterizes a casual relationship.
 Intimacy alone = liking; an important friendship
with real warmth, caring, bondedness.
 Passion alone = infatuation; love at first sight,
obsession with the fantasy of love.
 Commitment alone = empty love; the end of a
stagnant relationship or beginning of an
arranged marriage.
23 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Better, but still incomplete

 Intimacy + passion = romantic love; the deep

friendship of liking plus the attraction and
excitement of passion.
 Intimacy + decision/commitment =
companionate love; most romantic
relationships that survive lose some of their
passion and develop into this kind of love.
 Passion + decision/commitment = fatuous love;
whirlwind romances with high risk of break up.
24 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Sternberg’s ultimate type of love

 Intimacy + passion + decision/commitment =

consummate love; commitment is made based
upon a deep knowing and appreciation of one’s
partner as well as the excitement of passion.
 This is the type of love that most of us strive for
in our romantic relationships.
 Tip: the word “romantic” is used in a general
sense here but has specific meaning as one of
Sternberg’s 8 types of love.
25 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Lee’s many colors of love

 In Lee’s model, different love styles are

portrayed as different colors; mutual love
results from two styles of colors that make a
good match.
 With the exception of mania and ludus, a good
match generally results from two styles that are
close on the chart (see next slide).
 Ask not how much you are loved but how (in
what style) you are loved; and how you love.
Do you and your partner match or clash?
26 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Lee’s “color” wheel

Instead of red,
blue & yellow,
Lee’s “colors”
are Eros, Ludus
and Storge, at
the points of the
triangle within
the circle.

27 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Lee’s primary “colors”

 Eros – emotional feeling of love follow strong

physical attractions; they fall in and out of love
often (similar to Sternberg’s infatuation).
 Ludus – self centered in pursuit of fun; enjoys
the chase but doesn’t maintain a commitment
(similar to Sternberg’s fatuous love).
 Storge – affection that develops from friendship
(similar to Sternberg’s companionate love).

28 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 Lee’s secondary “colors”

 Pragma = ludus + storge; a practical style of

loving, carefully seeking a mate with their list of
desired traits.
 Mania = eros + ludus; intense, obsessive
emotional dependency on the attention and
affection of one’s partner.
 Agape = eros = storge; selfless, devoted lover,
putting partner’s interests above their own.
Similar to Maslow’s “being love” and
Sternberg’s “empty love” – not very common.
29 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Hierarchical model of love

 Perhaps the various theories appear so

different because they focus on different levels
of love (Barnes & Sternberg, 1997).
 Top level = love as a single entity
 2nd level = clusters of smaller entities such as
“hot” passion, “warm” companionship.
 3rd level = clusters contributing to how we feel,
such as sexuality, trust, sincerity, compatibility,
fulfillment, mutual need, and intimacy.
30 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Jealousy

 Jealousy is aroused when a person perceives

a threat to their relationship of sense of self.
 Emotional components include anger,
humiliation, fear, depression, & helplessness.
 Most likely in people with low self-esteem,
unhappy with their lives, who place great value
on things like popularity, wealth, fame, and
physical attractiveness, or persons with a
preoccupied attachment style.
31 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Culture and jealousy

 Men and women have different styles of

responding to jealousy; both feel inadequate at
first, then women try to make themselves more
attractive but men tend to seek outside relief.
 Withdrawal prolongs the feelings of jealousy.
 Most likely to occur in cultures that consider
marriage as a means for guilt-free sex, security
and social recognition.
– Americans show more distress to a partner’s
imagined infidelity than Chinese men and women.
32 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Maintaining a relationship

 Proximity, similarity and physical attractiveness

play important roles in initiating relationships.
 Similarity is key to staying together.
 For continued development, a relationship
must include mutual self-disclosure, equity and
commitment.
 Change and the need to adapt to change is
unavoidable in any long-term relationship.

33 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall

 The decline of passion

 Habituation – repeated exposure to even the

most positive stimulus will eventually lead to
less intense response to the stimulus and
boredom.
 A large component in passion is novelty and
fantasy, which can keep sex lives from
becoming ritualized.
 Declining passion must be replaced with things
that lead to companionate love.
34 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Growing together or growing apart

 Habituation can lead to growing apart as each

individual finds new interests.
 A major predictor of marital success is the
number of shared pleasurable activities.
 Couples in happy, long-lasting relationships
frequently say that their partner is their best
friend; they have fun together.
 Couples must make time to have fun together.
 Gottman’s ratio of 5 positive to 1 negative
emotional interaction.
35 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Growing…

As couples grow
and change, efforts
to maintain a
significant number
of pleasurable
similar interests
and activities is
critical to
maintaining a
satisfying
relationship.
36 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Break ups - common experiences

 Obsessive review – preoccupation with what

went wrong; this is okay for awhile if you
actually learn from it and make changes in your
life to prevent the same problems in future
relationships.
 Emotional and social loneliness – not only
losing your partner but friends you had in
common.
 Most break ups are a process.
37 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Coping with break ups

 Express your emotions to a sympathetic

listener; write down your thoughts.
 Figure out what happened; writing your
thoughts down may help you gain insight.
 Focus on your ex as a real person vs. ideal
 Prepare to feel better; expect to heal.
 Avoid social isolation; let your friends help you.
 Look at this as a change; this is a new start.
38 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
 Becoming more intimate

 True intimacy requires mutual understanding of

the good as well as the “bad.”
 Accept yourself as you are. Your ideas and
feelings are legitimate.
 Recognize your partner for what that person is;
intimacy is not possible with a “perfect” person.
 Become comfortable expressing yourself in
both positive and negative situations.
 Learn to deal with your partner’s reactions.
39 King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall