—_—_ Fr BR TCT) aT:Masthead ‘managing editor-in-chief ‘ede akolo oo [jf @ WD volume sixty-three, issue eight & wr ‘content editor-in-chief taryn parker | arts & culture ‘ondik odor opinions penelope evans Editor’s Address avant-garg avncet sharma ue eat Fuckwads, shania pera eo 1am angry and Mu-riden and no one cared that we went to space scence last week! The gore almost broke my binder All he food waster ere "ble and slimy. have never been so homesick in my life. Literally, 1 fm sick at home andi horrendos,Absonlely horrendous. Aaniela mahinoudh slice yang ‘production manager eee Dede Akolo Sofia champ itor in-Chief Sincerely, ithastrator Jodi enteneier staffemeritus symisstarrunner front cover, Jodi euteneiee back cover | ym parker | staff Isobel careate Iueas huntsman merkur emma ells ‘vilean ‘contributors ‘rank lotion anya akhecha About us ‘The Garyosle is University College's greases student newspaper and publishes every two weeks ‘We area paper that believes that sometimes you should be angry, and that sometimes you shoul be laud, and if you have not had a voce before, you deserve a voce. We donot give print space to bigots and we donot feign neutrality on issues of social justice, At this moment, everthing in our ‘office iso i ‘The Gargoyle dungeon/ofice is located in 6, acessed by the F door in the UC quad 416.946.0041 uegargoyle@gmailcom /submissions@uegargosle-ca wowwagargoyl.caIn which the UC Editor attends a Trin Lit Debate. We progamed nthe Welch Common long the ines of "Whose mane ee Room, There were lots of white people, On comparing Shakespeare to pumice 2011 Footloose remake inthe midst of r jolt is nota meme” the speaker retorted, actual important texts tngveled atthe coved, “Twas at eae: “Hy someone interjected, “why are we i a "corrected him, doing shots tod Cate t's the Scottish debate and we have scotch ard meme," he shrugee, They also had hagas. Los oft Apparently theve ft usually this much coe a these yes of event (exe for z rie one was yelling and there seemed to Tike. sx axes of bee) but, as someone 80 bean important objective of towing cg dutifully reminded everyone, twas the Ite cape ino Spentars hae ne Sti Debate fecited a cheer after a first year orsted his art in fake Seotsh accent Thad wo mmeone in the background promised a Shots of scotch. watched my fend te a group of first years off for fang tools the couch toan upper year and wondered how that was even possible Really Tee was dark The haggis was actully kind of god Breryone went out to The Duke that hight, butiveastime forme toretum ome % {ong story, short. Bet resolved that 2 am Scots, They Ruined Seotlsnd %% a “Space Camp Lied To Us Becoming an astronaut is_-~ actually really hard can litsang cach he highs er sme camp Wa ‘acseamp. lea cmp was.acloe soon {Rlowed by pete dy comp and then ble tayamp vee they ake yu to the wading deal was asp te However sce Yee as mythic and unataabe 8 {antdlans who have the wimpy Canadian Space sa hic is mower ea as cool asalpha Joa NASA Chg Yow mae, rit ee nd bh Emad yiehetacomle kaos Aerts ree ont Becoming am astronaut is ell a prety arduous proces, whether youre applying fo CSA or [NASA. There are some pretty tif requirements, Forinstanc, the government FAQ on jo requirements and conditions of astronauthood stipulates the need fr either “Bachelor's degree fom a recognized university fone ofthe follwing elds 1S engineering of © lence (eq, physics, chemistry, biology, seology, matematics, computer seienee and/or © Doctorate in one ofthe following fields 2 medicine; or 2 dentisty Im addition to the educational -quirements, applicants must: have at east thre years of relevant professional experience; ©) master's degroe i equivalent tooone yea of professional experince A doctorate (Ph.Ds equivalent tothree yeas of professional, experience belicenced to practise medicine in canada, Ttaleo requires that candidates ein top plysial condition, a feat Uhat might seem Bithinable atthe energy level ofa7 year ld. But. bythe time you getto your undergrad have anyrhere near that much mola you're sil interested ust make sure you mest these thresholds Height Between 149m and ‘soem Weight: tetween 50 kg and 9 its 20/20 (6/6) a cece thor without rene oP op are underga ‘Teftactive laser surger | IASI) are eligible” "8 © TheCSadocasen recommend that applicants indergo refracti = pith tle pret snag (ets note: bur what happens you doh ‘Mod pease ot higher tan ‘4o/o0 mm Hg measured te setng ‘Auualtory acuity: Normal hearing (do er oma cron orreanh auditory condition), 2 ve laser surgery ‘The upshot ofall this is that, as an astronaut, you gta seret security clearance, whi probably the coolest thing 7 yea ld eruld dream. What might the clearance i allow you to access though? Most likely Xe ke dassers on the existence of extra terrestrial, or maybe “Justin's mades..whichevers mate deleterious to ‘the Canadian government, realy Stay feosty the truths out thereRey Is A Lesbian & Also They 2e\8. Are Going To Be Related | OU THIS POUERPOL NT luke Tee: 1-2 17 Ron te) ad OBLIGATORY Poa KYLOISNT A ; — COMPLICATED please sto PERSON! STOP TRYING Grace eee TO JUSTIFY HIS nazis’ if space nazi, Both of which were 100% his decision. — “by blowing up 5 planets:complete st FURR AleadY, planed Pregnancy, L suffered freanancy, g's suming but he's coming or er and eet fer Phig stop Possessve Behavior, Jealousy, tu: attempted rape mention, sang, ITAINTTINCES >) wappy lite family, Not, Dsyfunctonal Consent, Powerlmbalance Cot a sl, bo ssockhoin Syndrome, Pregnancy, bablaus “tee chi aa cee you ean anced me. Yok my ea me a ou. So basically, either Kylo pursues Rey and causes her to fall to the Dark Side and join him in mass murder. OR they fuck and she gets pregnant and the baby awakens Hidden Paternal Instincts in the man who murdered his father and Kylo is redeemed through Rey's reproductive capabilities. areylo fie Sma aeAnand al steamy scenes between Rey a Kl in The Force awakens so fara harily inisnterpreted moments of ear, anger and torture, an invasion a Rey's mind. Kyles speech to hers repeated throught the Shs hs sees, unwanted hut he ses het ‘worth, tat he's the only person ho eates ‘manipulative and eral emotional abuse ‘ey gus ono ty to il him Many ines Which isan endeavor uly support AND COERSION ARENT SEXY ‘The free bond in The Las Jed is honesty ‘very erepy plat device tha picks upon the mental invasion Rey reales ot nem to being Kyo back othe aue she's a god person an doesn't wantin ease Lea more pan ot fray personal desire. But Kyle revealing his Trage Buckstory™ ends up being purpose tate ro make Rey falltothe dark ie. ‘These interactions are considered proof oftheir attraction to each other. Haw glighting. toctre and invasions of pivay enstitutea romance is psze I don even want 10 ‘ouside. WHATS STAR WARS WITHOUPAUTLEWoEST2 prequels The bigest complaint coming out of The Force Aahesis how closely tiered A Neve “Hope. Abrams is bck in the ditetor's seat forthe thi fn inte ne riley and Fn iling to et that he's ong ose Ue raundwork he fi in the TEA Lela oka Rss and sudden tin revea in Retr of the Je, Rey an Kyo have Sexual tension” (discuss why this is bullshit sea he finale of thelr telly sil ogo Bg want a deg erase were's 2 wee Rae Sey co I guess en wth areveal fey supposed parentage astm sera shes ead hd lo row oa the formation o ys donment we ving toreaker wil he dae el, oto ce, vaehine i opening ig ny ft Shout way" the est erring ve ‘lo this the question of why Rey's parents Jakku natives who supposedly stayed on hat usthow Je planet er sling hee dader to Unkar Plt, and that bright red bering tums scarf Kylo Ren is a whiny ass, incredibly dangerous, space neo-nazi and yall need to stop shipping him with Rey, the Tallest Lesbian.garg update from ondiorimlean December ig, s975 mae the 000. Dake made everything sy seo mor triste than i neha eso Wreneedc ga 70M ae eng tn ce was ete oie pour oo en gan tenn BrBe of search and tise Better Zit of me to arange, Should ny ret ay. this was nob for toro We ost Jette in tee i ‘own of Twin Peas, his underenee eon oro emg heating {int oy now, or Tow a return to Bowes syrah ae ele cvemithe would be would be eles tes {Sted feclom fs nr Lasage. Fal stop. November 898, gp race tS Road tas epg say an Ma ty ae ly iol iter meat Whether We figure October 78,577 member hin saying heat St The Stage te might jase Leasing ot sani the desert the Starman was born car oni a the sear or Magee ee ames gen, ee been restraining mayo carb dono how mach ee o> 000. The we but at what cost,where in the world(s) is kylie jenner??? York Times published an expose that shocker" proved that this fucking guy was, yes. a raping pee of sit that tok ndvantage of his A/B-ist status and 1985 fra squad male Mavoured self-serving neo ra feminism to rape-rapity-rape-RAPE anather pring creatives apparently relly fucking diffu clearly not here and also tw: rape Like slvng ix cube in unde a minute tod volume lel dif its alfckng had not ape ew Anyways after Kim Kardashian stoce conquered her out Ila men that were just a smidge more sous than her at time of conslots ally beat the game coupling, she For the lst few months, Kylie Jenner (b August 20%, 1997) as become @ missing person of Se won ll of them tho interest in the publi’ imaginary and atual-real King, but lt the Queene newsfeed, No FitTea, no Fashion Nova jeans, no scapes no Kylie Jenner (b. Agust 10%, 1957) Wort around Calahesas is Tavis Set, known for not just being on Xanax, but also coaine, pu a by inside her just afew weeks after starting ‘hele “i's complinted” relationship. Unfortunately, Ke Jenner (b. August 0 Seah ie gees Mario nally rescued Peach, and they had sexualzed butterfly that she was hard-pressed "hee benutiilbabies that will most ht they were the aque. She beat the game, tated a new file, and beat th ame agin, She blew every cartridge and ‘he finally got Kanye sexu defintely have traumatic experiences in ying—and filing—to understand the Tyga (b. November 19,1989) couldnt continue ‘cognitive dissonance in their visible Black his almost four-year long process grooming of enties andthe oplcllysommd Kylie Jenner's sense of self because Kyle Jenner bastardization ofthe refcation of th (b.Avgust 108, 1907) wast leat nthe cou fentity by Kim and the rst ofthat family af public oinion-to be the next Supreme Sowing he toamly ateT Earths ‘They wil not cal her mom, they wil eal het 37 birthday forcing her, ikea pet hamster ina Kim. Donda is dead, so Kanye wil still bea age with nowhere tohide, bat he thre corners eee of shit— ut in that faery kind of that are not the door protrade by unwashed vey where yu heto-worship him for simple mse ttions, ike complimenting your newly Collectively, men, fucking men; probably man retouched that you stanned nil yesterday when the Neu tangent fos, Ihave Depression sit’ okay forme tobe an ass So, back to the point at hand. Where inthe heck s Kylie Jenner (b. August 10,1997)? Wel using Stor Trek-like technology t found inthe half-used AlCan alumina m fot [found next tothe dead roach ezes, Iwas able to come up with few possible answers's an insecurity of mine’: Kylie Jenner admits to A) In proper Kris Jenner fashion, she is planning to sell her photos to US Weekly for 500 milion dollars anda sickening supply of Nyx cosmetics, 3B) She's realized that she never had the ‘opportunity to develop into her authentic self as result of bing foreflly put on her family’s E! ‘channel reality show at the very-not-ipe age of hine-years-old. The identity that was forced onto her ensured that she would only ever experience ‘what she perceived as truly being tobe diretiy intertwined with the arousal of men thre times her age. She realized that there was nating tical about he life, and although she was ‘complicit in appropriating imperialist understandings of Black womantood, she was a child and it eildren are born with the ability to not speak, but immediately unconditionally love and depend on others. ©) She witnessed how kim was treated by the media during her two high-risk pregnancies in ‘hich preeclampsia and inner-uterine damage threatened the if ofboth her and whichever ‘mined aby she was earring atthe time, In pregnancy, Kim Kardashian stopped being the ‘main platter served tothe world~and galaxies and space or what-fucking-ever—and regained agency of her body. Which is ell fucking gross when you think about, because what's the point of having a body fit isnt readily available toevery man who manifest destiny’ it Pregnancy i 08, ) She hada major surgery like, 1 dont know, a chin shave, and is spending the months recuperating Kylie Jenner’ Have Made Her Feel to Kiss Me” 1) She cant inject flrs into her face and body during pregnancy because that would hurt the alleged baby. Se can't monetize Blackness. She realized that there's an objective limit, that exists within media manipulation, Any ay you twist it, being 20 years-old and pregnant by a hook-up of two weeks i not hat tens aspire to. Nothing can change that. It shouldn't even be about aspiration Deeause i's not anyone's pregnancy but her ‘own even ifher entire career is based on ‘being exposed. The patriarchy stinks. (6) She's on Mars or some other planet inthe Milky Way Gala: (6) She gave up She's tre, Inthe end it's probably a combination of ll ‘thes, but in the actual, aetual end, you're all disgusting fucks. The Kardashian Jenner family sa Pokémon Go eration of Blackness minus the Blackness bit with a spy white grasp on personal agency. That doesn't make Kylie Jenne’ life any less wretched orjusified~ she was and isa litle irl, and now she's going toe « mom, et children be fockng children. urities About Her Lips “Like No One Wanted Insec aosboys back againode to stupidity - ine win ite tar Ths we won ye too far ede akoto ‘The sefisalack Iisa straw Risawave rushes the hope of the hope of the hope of the hope of the hope of he hope of the hope the hope the hope the hope the hope the hope