Title: 1 BED 1 BATH

Playwright: Pittenger, Laura.

Written dates: 2017
Source/location: NewPlayExchange
Character Breakdown:
● Any ethnicity or race
○ BROKER (M, 20s)
○ CLIENT (F, 20s)
______________________________________________________________________________

An apartment lobby. BROKER (male) and CLIENT (female) are waiting.

CLIENT is quietly agitated. BROKER is a wall of steel.

BROKER waits on the phone. CLIENT sits down on the floor beside a lonely fern. She is not
dressed to be conveniently sat upon the floor. She does not care.

CLIENT

Is he coming?

BROKER holds up a finger.

BROKER

(Professionally, to voicemail:)

Good afternoon, we just spoke on the phone - we are in the lobby and I’m with my client.
Looking forward to seeing the apartment.

(He hangs up.)

Voicemail.

He was in before. He should be on his way.

CLIENT

K.

BROKER

It’s 1 bed, 1 bath. Dishwasher. Supposedly laundry in the building. Available by the 15th. Do you
have any questions?

CLIENT shakes her head.

 BROKER (CONT’D)

Okay.

It’s a nice apartment. Good price for a one bed.

CLIENT nods.

BROKER (CONT’D)

We’ve got a studio lined up after this. Just a couple blocks over.

CLIENT

I’m not interested in a studio.

BROKER

It would be wise to look. It’s a significant reduction in rent. And with / your income -

CLIENT

I’m not interested.

BROKER

(shrugs:)

Okay. No problem.

Are you -

CLIENT

I’m fine.

BROKER

Okay.

CLIENT

You don’t have to be weird.

BROKER

I’m not being weird.

CLIENT
Okay, well you’re all

BROKER

All...

CLIENT

You don’t have to ... have an attitude like that. Like

(She straightens an imaginary tie:)

Like that.

BROKER

This is a business transaction, here. I am conducting business with you. You do understand that.

CLIENT

Yeah?

BROKER

This is what we talked about.

CLIENT

Okay.

BROKER

(Growing irritated:)

What?

CLIENT

Nothing.

(Breath.)

BROKER

Okay, let me ask you this: Do you want to see this apartment?

CLIENT laughs.
 CLIENT

What, you mean like .... in a literal sense? Like do I want to go up there and fucking, open
cabinets and run shower faucets and ask about square footage? Or do I want to move out?

BROKER

I am asking in a literal sense.

CLIENT

No, I fucking do not want to look at this apartment.

BROKER

Do you want me to call the listing broker and ask him not to come -

CLIENT

I said I didn’t want to look, I didn’t say I didn’t have to look. I have to look.

BROKER

I asked you if you wanted another broker. I asked you if you wanted me to do this for you.

CLIENT

Yes, at the time I - yes, I did.

BROKER

You said sure, why not.

CLIENT

Yes.

BROKER

So what’s the problem?

CLIENT

I - This is not going like I thought it would.

BROKER

How did you think it would go, exactly?

CLIENT
I didn’t think you would need to go with me, for one thing. I thought I could just, you know, get
a time and ... go up. I didn’t think I would need you for this.

BROKER

Have you ever heard of me doing that, ever?

Have you ever been listening to me when I talk about my job?

CLIENT

All I ever do is listen to you. Blah blah blah. Blah blah.

BROKER

Look, I can’t -

I told you I would do this for you. I’m not doing anything else. We’re not speaking like anything
other than client and broker, we’re not engaging in any manner other than completely
professionally and that’s it. This is a good apartment, I’ll bet on it. It’s a good neighborhood,
you’ll have plenty of amenities, I don’t see any reason why you should -

CLIENT

I can’t -

Why won’t you be a human right now?

BROKER

Because any second that listing broker is going to walk through the door with the keys to let us
in and if he sees us screaming / at each other then he’s -

CLIENT

Scream. Scream then. What do you want to scream? I’ll scream back. Let’s scream.

BROKER

I’m not going to scream.

CLIENT

Scream. It feels real good.

BROKER

No.
 CLIENT.

Come on.

Fight me.

Why won’t you fight me on this?

BROKER

You said you wanted to move out.

CLIENT

Yes, I did. I said that.

BROKER

You said you thought we weren’t working out. You said I was “obsessed” with my job /

CLIENT

/ Yes, clearly I did / and clearly you are, you ARE obsessed

BROKER

And that if I really loved my job so much, even more than I loved you, that I should help you
move out.

CLIENT shrugs, silently. Defiantly.

BROKER (CONT’D)

And I said okay. I said I would help you find a place. If that’s what you wanted.

CLIENT

Yes.

BROKER

I would even do it for a smaller fee.

CLIENT

I remember.mmmmmmm

BROKER

I got my firm’s fee down three percent. Three percent!

 CLIENT

That’s very / generous -

BROKER

For a one bed one bath you can’t even afford.

CLIENT

...Excuse me. I’m going to qualify / if my dad signs -

BROKER

But I’m holding up my end of the deal. Because it’s what you say you want. So are you telling
me you still want to look for a place, or are you saying you want to stay?

CLIENT

You want me to stay?

BROKER

That’s up to you.

CLIENT

No!

No!

Why is it just up to me?

BROKER

Because I can’t just keep you because it suits me.

Breath.

CLIENT

I thought you said it didn’t. Anymore.

BROKER

When did I say that?

CLIENT

(In disbelief:)
Because you.

You haven’t -

(Suddenly:)

You realize that this is the most time and attention you’ve given me in months, right?

BROKER’s phone rings. He answers.

BROKER

Yes.

Yes.

Five minutes? Okay.

Thank you.

He hangs up.

END OF SCENE.