THE PROPHETIC EXAMPLE OF FAMILY LEADERSHIP:

LESSONS FROM THE SEERAH ON ISHRAH (GRACEFUL

TREATMENT OF WIVES) AND PARENTING

By

Professor Ahmad Bello Dogarawa

Department of Accounting, Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, Nigeria
abellodogarawa@gmail.com

Being a paper presented at a Conference on Repositioning Muslim Family for National

Development organised by Nigerian Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs (NSCIA) in
collaboration with the Future Assured Programme of Her Excellency First Lady of Nigeria at
Banquet Hall, State House, Abuja

February 20, 2020

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 1. Introduction
Marriage is a lawfully contractual union of a man and woman based on mutual consent that
results in the man and woman living with, enjoying and supporting each other within the limits
of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations. As the correct and legal
way to produce children and replenish the earth [Nisaa, 4:3; Nahl, 16:72; Ra’ad, 13:38],
marriage in Islam is considered as a religious duty, a moral safeguard as well as a social
necessity. It is an extremely important institution that makes one become socially important;
arranges one’s life and provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological
companionship, which in turn generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual
confidence, solace and succor.

The overall purpose of marriage is for a couple to make it an act of worship, provide company
and love to one another, procreate children in order to sustain and preserve the human race,
and to live in peace and tranquillity to the commandments of Allah. Through marriage,
emotional and sexual urge are legitimately satisfied, tension is reduced, healthy relaxation is
attained, and a comfortable home is built [Ruum, 30:21; A’araaf, 7:189].

Once built on principles of love, honour, respect and mutual caring, marriage stabilises society
by protecting its primary unit, the family. It lays the spiritual and legal foundation for raising a
pious family and a sound society; safeguards the rights of men, women and children; and
satisfies the physical, emotional and intellectual needs of members of the family.

No wonder, the great companion of the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him,
Abdullah ibn Mas’uud, may Allah be pleased with him said:

ِ ‫لو مل يبق من الدهر إال ليلة ألحببت أن يكون يل ىف تلك‬

‫الليلة امرأة‬
If there is only one night to the end of this world, I would love to spend it
with a wife [transmitted by Ibn Abi Shaybah in Al-Musannaf]

In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful marital
life, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in
distributing the rights and obligations arising from the relationship. The rights are categorised
into three: those which each of the two spouses has over the other; the rights of the wife over
the husband; and the rights of the husband over the wife.

1
The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, has emphasised these mutual rights and
responsibilities. He said:

‫إِ َّن لَ ُك ْم َعلَى نِ َسائِ ُك ْم َحقًّا َولِنِ َسائِ ُك ْم َعلَيْ ُك ْم َحقًّا‬

Indeed you have rights over your women, and your women have rights over
you. [Transmitted by Bukhari and Muslim]

The man is the head and leader of the family; he is required to among other things provide
adequate maintenance and protection for the household, live with them in kindness, and treat
them gracefully.

Allah the Most High says:

‫ض َوِِبَا أَن َف ُقوا ِم ْن أ َْم َواِلِِ ْم‬

ٍ ‫ض ُه ْم َعلَ ٰى بَ ْع‬ ِِ ِ ُ ‫الِِّر َج‬
َ ‫اَّللُ بَ ْع‬
َّ ‫َّل‬
َ ‫ال قَ َّو ُامو َن َعلَى النِّ َساء ِبَا فَض‬
Men are in charge of women by (right of) what Allah has given one over the
other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth… [Nisaa,
4:34].

The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫الر ُج ُل َر ٍاع ِِف أ َْهلِ ِه َوُه َو َم ْسؤوٌل َع ْن َر ِعيَّتِ ِه‬

َّ ‫َو‬
A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned
about them. [Transmitted by Muslim].

Allah the Most High also says:

ِ ‫اشروه َّن ِِبلْمعر‬

‫وف‬ ِ
ُ ْ َ ُ ُ ‫َو َع‬
And live with them in kindness [Nisaa, 4:19]

The woman on her part is the man’s partner and the household’s manager; she is required to
among other things oversee and run the affairs of the matrimonial home, nurture the future
generation, and support and provide repose to her husband.

Regarding her role as the overseer of the household and as a guardian over the children of her
husband, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫ت َزْوِج َها َوَم ْسؤولَةٌ َع ْن َر ِعيَّتِ َها‬ ِ

ِ ‫اعيةٌ ِِف ب ي‬
َْ َ ‫َوالْ َم ْرأَةُ َر‬
A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children
and shall be questioned about them. [Transmitted by Muslim]

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The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, also said:

ِ‫ات ي ِده‬
ِ ِ ٍ
َ ‫َحنَاهُ َعلَى َولَد ِِف صغَ ِرهِ َوأ َْر َعاهُ َعلَى َزْو ٍج ِف َذ‬ ٍ ْ‫صالِ ُح نِ َس ِاء قَُري‬
ْ ‫ أ‬،‫ش‬ ِ َ ْ ِ‫َخْي ر نِس ٍاء رك‬
َ ‫ْب ا ِإلب َل‬ َ َ ُ
The best women are the riders of the camels and the righteous among the
women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in their
childhood and the more careful women of the property of their husbands.
[Transmitted by Muslim]

As a partner, the woman is required to support her husband in any way possible in both his
worldly and religious affairs. The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said to
his companion, Mu’aaz ibn Jabal, may Allah be pleased with, him:

ِ
ِ َ ‫صاِلةٌ تُعِينُك علَى أَم ِر دنْي‬ ِ ِ
َ ِ‫اك ودين‬
‫اس‬ ِ
ٌ َّ‫ك خريُ َما ا ْكتَ نَ َز الن‬ َُ ْ َ َ َ ٌ‫وزوجة‬
َ ،‫ ول َسا ٌن ذَاكٌر‬،‫ب َشاكٌر‬
ٌ ْ‫ََي معاذُ قل‬
O Mu’aaz! (to have) a thankful heart, a remembering tongue (remembering
Allah) and a righteous wife to help you with your worldly and religious
affairs is the best treasure anyone could have. [Transmitted by Bayhaqi].

In addition, the woman is required to provide repose and be a source of tranquility and comfort
to him [Ruum, 30:21; A’araaf, 7:189]. She should also strive to make the home a peaceful
abode for him [Nahl, 16:80].

The golden rule in matrimonial relationship is the requirement for the couple to understand that
they are partners in progress; they need to mutually respect and support each other; and that
both of them have rights and responsibilities toward each other, which they should commit
themselves to discharging. Allah the Most High says:

ِ ‫وَِل َّن ِمثل الَّ ِذي علَي ِه َّن ِِبملعر‬

‫وف‬َُ َ ُ َُ
And due to them (i.e., the wives) is similar to what is expected of them,
according to what is reasonable [Baqarah, 2:228].

Because men (i.e., husbands) have a degree over their wives (in responsibility and authority) –
wa lir rijaal alayhinna darajaat (ٌ‫[ ) َولِلِِّر َج ِال َعلَْي ِه َّن َد َر َجة‬Baqarah, 2:228], they are required to give kind

and graceful treatment (ِ‫ – ُح ْس ُن العِ ْشَرة‬Husnul ishrah) to their spouses and members of the

household.

As part of his guidance, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, has taught men,
who have been made the leaders of their family the importance of graceful treatment of one’s

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family. He has also encouraged them to be kind to their spouses. In addition, he charged them
to strive at good parenting to their children. According to Abdullah bn Abbas, may Allah be
pleased with them, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫ َو ِخيَ ُارُه ْم ِخيَ ُارُه ْم لِنِ َسائِ ِه ْم‬،‫َح َسنُ ُه ْم ُخلُ اقا‬ ‫ني إِميَ ا‬
ْ ‫ أ‬،‫اًن‬
ِ ِ ْ ‫أَ ْكمل‬
َ ‫املؤمن‬ َُ
The most perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose
behaviour is most excellent; and the best of you are those who are the best to
their wives. [Transmitted by Tirmidhi]

In the Prophet’s farewell sermon, women have featured prominently and the need for husbands
to be kind to their wives was emphasised. Jabir bn Abdullah, may Allah be pleased with them,
reported that the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him said in the farewell sermon:

َِّ ‫ واتتللَْلتم فُروجه َّن بِ َكلِم ِة‬،‫اَّلل‬

ِ ِ ِ ِ
‫اَّلل‬ َ ُ َ ُ ْ ُ ْ َ ْ َ َّ ‫وه َّن ِبََمان‬ َ ‫اَّللَ ِِف النِّ َساء فَِإنَّ ُك ْم أ‬
ُ ُُ‫َخ ْذُت‬ َّ ‫فَاتَّ ُقوا‬
Fear Allah regarding women. Verily, you have taken them as a trust from
Allah, and intercourse has been made lawful by the word of Allah.
[Transmitted by Muslim]

In another narration, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him has admonished
men regarding the rights women and reminded them of the need to treat women with kindness.
Amr bn Al-Ahwas, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, peace and
blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫صوا ِِبلنِِّ َس ِاء َخْي ارا‬

ُ ‫اتتَ ْو‬
ْ
I order you to be good to the women. [Transmitted by Bukhari and Muslim]

Regarding conscious and pious parenting and family leadership, the Prophet, peace and
blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫الر ُج ُل َعلَى أ َْه ِل بَيْتِ ِه‬ ِ َ ‫ أَح ِف‬،‫اَّلل تائِل ُك َّل ر ٍاع ع َّما اتت رعاه‬ ِ
َّ ‫ضيَّ َع؟ َح ََّّت يُ ْسأ ََل‬
َ ‫ك أ َْم‬
َ ‫ظ ذَل‬ َ ُ َ ْ َ ْ َ َ ٌ َ ََّ ‫إ َّن‬
Allah will ask every shepherd about that which was entrusted to his care,
whether he took care of it or neglected it, and He will even ask a man about
his family. [Transmitted Ibn Hibbaan]

The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, did not only teach his followers the
importance of graceful treatment of family but demonstrate in practical terms what is meant by
kindness and gracefulness in the treatment of one’s household. This paper highlights some
Prophetic examples of family leadership with focus on ishrah and parenting.

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 2. Prophetic Examples of Family Leadership
The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, was sent as mercy to the entire world
[Anbiyaa, 21:107] to call to the worship of Allah [Ahzaab, 33:46] and explain the message
[Nahl, 16:44; Maa’idah, 5:67]; to serve as the source of spiritual, moral and social guidance
[Ahzaab, 33:46] and a role model for the believers [Ahzaab, 33:21]. His guidance, which is
contained in the Sunnah cuts across every aspect of life including marital relationship.

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was the best head and leader of family.
He personified the roles of perfect husband and father. He was the most kind, most gentle and
most graceful to the family than any other person. Abdullah bn Abbaas, may Allah be pleased
with them, narrated that the Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said:

‫ َوأ ًََن َخْي ُرُك ْم ِأل َْهلِي‬،‫َخْي ُرُك ْم َخْي ُرُك ْم ِأل َْهلِ ِه‬
The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to
my wives. [Transmitted by Tirmidhi and Ibn Maajah]

In what follows, attempt is made to highlight some prophetic examples of family leadership.
The examples are categorised into graceful treatment of wives and exemplary parenting.

2.1 Graceful Treatment of Wives

The following are examples of how the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him,
used to treat his wives.

2.1.1 Kind treatment

In Islam, marital relationship is a strong bond to be nurtured with kindness, love and mercy.
Kindness is one of the means of attaining happiness in the home; it is very beneficial to the
spouses, and the children, and it brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness.

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has explained the importance of
kindness and gentleness in the home. He said in a Hadith:

ِِّ ‫خريا أدخل علي ِهم‬

‫الرفْ َق‬ ٍ ِ ‫إذا أراد هللا‬
ُ َ ‫بهل ْبيت ا‬ ُ َ
When Allah wills some good towards the people of a household, He
introduces kindness among them. [Transmitted by Ahmad]

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According to another report, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said:

‫فق‬ ٍ ‫أحب أهل‬

ِِّ ‫بيت أدخل علي ِهم‬ َّ
َ ‫الر‬ ُ َ َ َّ ‫إن هللاَ إذا‬
When Allah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among
them. [Transmitted by Ibn Abi ad-Dunya and others]

As the head of his family, the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, used to treat
his wives with utmost kindness. He was so kind to and tolerant with them that they could not
envisage their lives without him. He never hesitate to carry out little acts of kindness that will
show his affection toward his wives. His wives, themselves, have given witness to his
exemplary ways of kind and graceful treatment to them.

2.1.2 Affection, jovialness, friendship and companionship

Showing affection towards one’s wife and children lead to having an atmosphere of happiness
and friendliness in the home. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to
demonstrate his love and loyalty to his family; he once told his wife Aisha in the long hadith
of Umm Zar’in that was transmitted by Bukhari: “I am in my love and loyalty to you just like
Abi Zar’in and Umm Zar’in”. Aisha replied: You are dearer to me more than my father and
mother, you are even more loyal and loving than Abi Zar’in’ to Umm Zar’in”.

He also used to affectionately treat his wife Aisha when taking ritual bath with her, as she
reported: “The Messenger of Allah peace and blessings of Allah be upon him and I used to
perform ghusl together from one vessel, and he would pretend to take all the water so that I
would say, ‘Leave some for me, leave some for me,’” - and both of them were in a state
of janabah (impurity). [Transmitted by Muslim].

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, also used to choose the best nickname
for his wives and call them with beautiful names as he nicknamed Aisha: ‘Aaish’ (later, Umm
Abdillah) and call her Humayraa (i.e. white-skinned woman); he used to eat and drink with his
wife/wives from the same vessel/bowl; [transmitted by Muslim]; he used to lean on Aisha’s
lab while she was in menstruation and read the Qur’an [transmitted by Bukhari]; he used to
allow them to groom his hair [transmitted by Bukhari and Muslim]; he also used to go out with
them on picnics and accompany them when strolling [transmitted by Muslim]; he console them
when they are in distress and even wipe their tears when they weep as he did to his wife

6
Safiyyah, may Allah be pleased with her, when she cried while complaining that she was given
a slow camel to ride in one of their trips [transmitted by Nasaa’i].

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to be jovial with his family. One
day, he was sitting between Aisha and Sawdah, may Allah be pleased with them, then Aisha
stained the face of her co-wife Sawdah with the Khazira (a type of food) she made because
Sawdah refused to eat it. Seeing that, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him
laughed and gave his share in Khazira to Sawda and told her stain Aisha’s face; when Sawdah
painted her face with it, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, laughed.
[Transmitted by Nasaa’i and Abu Ya’ala].

2.1.3 Playful and entertaining

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, once advised Jabir may Allah be
pleased with him to marry a virgin, saying: “Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play
with her and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you
laugh?” [Transmitted by Muslim]. In another Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him, said: “Everything that does not involve remembrance of Allah is futile, senseless,
and wasted – except for four acts: a man entertaining his wife… [Transmitted by Nasaa’i].

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him has demonstrated this by playing and
racing with his family. He used to laugh with his wives, entertain them, and play with them.
On one occasion, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, raced with his wife
Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her and teased her after beating her in the race. [Transmitted
by Abu Daawud]. On another occasion, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him,
asked Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, whether she would like to see the display of some
people who were playing with shields and spears on the day of Eid and when she replied in the
affirmative, he made her to stand next to him and her cheek was touching his cheek to watch
them until she got tired. [Transmitted by Bukhari].

2.1.4 Consultation
The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, also used to talk to his wives when
something was bothering him and he used to consult them for advice in important matters.
When he received the first revelation at the cave of Hiraa, he came rushing to his wife Khadijah
may Allah be pleased with her, overwhelmed and frightened. He complained that he fear for

7
himself because of what happened to him. Khadijah, may Allah be pleased with her, comforted
him with some golden and calming words saying, “Be happy. I swear by Allah that He shall
never disgrace you. You keep good relations with your kith and kin, help the poor and the
destitute, serve your guests generously, and assist those afflicted with calamities who deserve
help.” [Transmitted by Bukhari].

Also, on the day of Hudaibiya, the Sahaabah (Prophet’s companions) became angry and
reluctant to abide by the wicked conditions given to them by the pagans of Makkah, and did
not follow the orders of the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, to sacrifice
their animals and shave their heads. He went and related the situation to his wife Umm
Salamah, may Allah be pleased with her. She advised him accordingly and the outcome was as
she predicted. [Transmitted by Ibn Jareer]

2.1.5 Provision of maintenance

The Qur’an tells us that one of the reasons why men were made to be in charge of women is
because they spend on their spouses from their wealth for maintenance [Nisaa, 4:34]. This
means that men are required to maintain their family and provide for their needs as much as
possible.

In light of the above, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to provide
for his family as part of obligatory maintenance. In fact he not only provided for them but used
to store so much food for his family.

It was reported from ‘Umar may Allah be pleased with him:

‫ت َتنَتِ ِه ْم‬ ِ ِ ِ ِ‫َّض ِري وََيب‬

ِ ِ ِ َّ ‫أ َّن النَِِّب صلَّى‬
َ ‫س ألَ ْهله قُو‬ ُ ِ‫اَّللُ َعلَْيه َو َتلَّ َم َكا َن يَب‬
ُ ْ َ ‫يع ََنْ َل بَِن الن‬ َ َّ
The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to sell the dates
of the garden of Bani An-Nadir and store for his family so much food as
would cover their needs for a whole year. [Transmitted by Bukhari]

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, even warned men against the attitude
of neglecting those whom they are responsible for providing maintenance for. Abdullah ibn
‘Amr, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah
be upon, said:

8
 ِ
َ ُ‫َك َفى ِِبلْ َم ْرء إِْْثاا أَ ْن ي‬
ُ ‫ضيِِّ َع َم ْن يَ ُق‬
‫وت‬
It is sufficient sin for a man to neglect those whom he maintains. [Transmitted Abu
Daawud].

2.1.6 Helping them in the house duties and depending on himself to relieve them
The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to spend time at home with his
wives when he was not engaged in da’awah activities or issues of governance and guidance of
the Ummah outside the home. He used to be in the service of his family at home by partaking
in domestic chores. He was so humble and gentle that he would not only help them with
domestic duties but often depend on himself in the house to relieve them.

Al-Aswad said, I asked Aisha: “What did the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him, use to do in his house?” She replied,

.ِ‫الصالَة‬
َّ ‫الصالَةُ َخَر َج إِ ََل‬
َّ ‫ت‬ِ ‫َكا َن ي ُكو ُن ِِف ِمهنَ ِة أَهلِ ِه تَع ِِن ِخ ْدمةَ أَهلِ ِه فَِإذَا حضر‬
ََ َ ْ َ ْ ْ ْ َ
“He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time
for prayer he would go for it”. [Transmitted by Bukhari]

Also, Hisham said, “I asked Aisha, ‘What did the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be
upon him, do in his house?’ She replied,

ُ ‫ َوََِيي‬،‫ب‬
.‫ط‬ َ ‫ َويَْرقَ ُع الث َّْو‬،‫َّع َل‬
ْ ‫ف الن‬
ِ ِِ
ُ ‫ َيَْص‬،‫َح ُد ُك ْم ِِف بَيْته‬
َ ‫صنَ ُع أ‬
ْ َ‫َما ي‬
“He did what one of you would do in his house. He mended sandals and
patched garments and sewed”. [Transmitted by Bukhari in Al-Adabul
Mufrad]

2.1.7 Understanding their nature (psychology and jealousy) and feelings

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to show a lot of understanding to
the nature, feelings and moods of his wives; and he used to deal with it in a graceful and tolerant
manner. For example, Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, narrated:

ِ ‫ال إِن‬ َِّ ‫ول‬ ِ ‫ك وِر‬ َِّ ‫ول‬

‫َّك إِ َذا‬ َ َ‫اَّلل ق‬ ُ ‫ف تَ ْع ِر‬
َ ‫ف َذ َاك ََي َر ُت‬ َ ‫ت َوَكْي‬
ُ ‫ت قُ ْل‬ َ َ ِ َ‫ضب‬
ْ َ‫ قَال‬."‫ضاك‬ ُ ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم ”إِِِّّن أل َْع ِر‬
َ ‫ف َغ‬ ُ ‫ال َر ُت‬
َ َ‫ق‬
‫ك‬ ِ ‫ قَالَت قُلْت أَجل لَست أُه‬."‫ب إِب ر ِاهيم‬
ْ َّ‫اجُر إِال‬ ِ ِ ِ ِ ِ ٍ ِِّ ‫ت ب لَى ور‬ ِ ِ ِ
َ َْ‫ا‬ َ ُ ْ َْ ُ ْ َ َ ْ ِّ ‫ َوإذَا ُكنْت َتاخطَةا قُلْت الَ َوَر‬.‫ب ُُمَ َّمد‬ َ َ َ ْ‫ُكنْت َراضيَةا قُل‬
Aisha narrated that Allah’s Messenger, peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him said, “I know whether you are angry or pleased.” I said, “How do you
know that, Allah’s Messenger?” He said, “When you are pleased, you say,
‘Yes, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry, you say, ‘No, by
the Lord of Abraham!’” I said, “Yes, I do not leave, except your name”.
[Transmitted by Bukhari].

9
Also, Umm Salamah, may Allah be pleased with her, narrated that she brought food in a dish
of her own to the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. Seeing that, Aisha came
holding a tool and broke the dish out of jealousy. Understanding the situation, the Prophet,
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, took the two halves of the dish and said to his
companions: eat your food, it is just the jealousy of your mother, then he took the dish of Aisha
and gave it to Umm Salamah and gave the dish of Umm Salamah to Aisha. [Transmitted
Nasaa’i]

2.2 Parenting
Children are a gift from Allah [Shuuraa, 42:49-50]; they are described as entertainers and
jewelry for their parents [Kahf, 18:46], and constitute an afterlife investment [Furqaan, 25:74].
At the same time children are a mandate [Tahreem, 66:6] and a test for both parents
[Taghaabun, 64:15].

To be able to carry out the mandate and pass the test, parents have to responsibly train their
children and ensure good parenting for them. Parenting involves promoting and supporting the
spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, moral and social development of a child from
infancy to adulthood.

The Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, has demonstrated that the best way to
give children good parenting is through specific planned manners of upbringing and
interventions that is full of love, caring, kindness, gentleness, leniency and assertiveness when
dealing with them. By their nature, children tend to like most the one who is easy with them
and treat them as if he is one of them unlike the one who is harsh with them or often frowning.
He therefore used the attributes of caring, kindness, leniency, patience and understanding in
the upbringing, molding and disciplining the children of his household.

The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, also used to show affection towards the children
of his household by carrying them (even whilst performing prayer), sitting them on his lap,
lifting them up, hugging them, etc. to the extent that when he came back from travelling; they
would rush to welcome him, and he would hug them close to him. He used to carry children
during which sometimes a child would urinate on his clothes but that would not later discourage
him from carrying the same or another child.

10
As children require step-by-step approach to comprehend matters like rights and duties,
principles and foundations, morals, code of social relations and meaning of things, the Prophet,
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used not to feel fed up or bored from meeting
children; he smiles to them, plays with them, prays for them, allows them to feel free with him,
and corrects their mistakes based on their age and level of understanding.

Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, said:

‫ وإذا رفع رأته‬،‫ فإذا تجد وثب اِلسن واِلسني على ظهره‬،‫ العشاء‬-‫صلَّى هللا عليه وتلَّم‬- ‫كنَّا نصلي مع رتول هللا‬
‫ فلما صلى وضعهما على فخذيه‬،‫ فإذا عاد؛ عادا‬،‫وضعا رفي اقا‬
‫ فوضعهما ا‬،‫أخذمها بيده من خلفه أخ اذا رفي اقا‬
We were observing ‘Isha` prayer with the Messenger of Allah, peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him, when he prostrated Al-Hassan and Al-
Hussain would jump on his back, when he rises with his head he picks them
gently from the back and places them (on the floor) kindly, so when he
returns (to prostration) they return to what they do, and when he ended his
prayer he would put them on his thighs [graded Hasan by Al-Albani in As-
Saheehah]

A man came to the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, with his little daughter
who was later called Umm Khaled. As a child, she went to play with the ring of the Prophet,
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, whereupon her father stopped her. The Prophet,
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “leave her”. [Transmitted by Bukhari].

On one occasion, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was on his way
together with some of his companions to honour an invitation. He saw his grandson Al-Husain
playing in the street. When he tried to catch him, Al-Hussain started running right and left to
escape while the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was hurrying towards
him. [Transmitted by Tabaraani, Tirmidhi and Ibn Maajah].

Whenever the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, sees a child in his household
needs to be corrected or disciplined, he will deal with him gently and kindly without shouting
at, scolding or belittling him. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him has never
disgraced any of his household’s children in public.

11
As a little child, Umar ibn Abi Salamah, may Allah be pleased with him, was once sitting on
the lap of the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, and his hand was all over the
plate he was eaten from. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said to him:

ِ ِ
‫يك‬ َ ‫ وُك ْل بِيَ ِم‬،‫اَّلل‬
َ ‫ وُك ْل ِمَّا يَل‬،‫ينك‬ َّ ‫ََي ُغ َال ُم َت ِِّم‬
“O boy, say ‘Bismillah’ (in the name of Allah), eat with your right hand and
eat from what is in front of you”. [Transmitted by Bukhari and Muslim].

Anas ibn Maalik, may Allah be pleased with him, also recounted the method used by the
Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, to correct a mistake he made when he was
a little child. Anas said:

ِ ِ ‫اَّللِ الَ أَ ْذه‬ ٍ ‫َّاس خلُ اقا فَأَرتلَِِن ي وما ِِل‬ ِ َِّ ‫ول‬
‫ب‬َ ‫ َوِف نَ ْفسي أَ ْن أَ ْذ َه‬.‫ب‬ ُ َ َّ ‫ت َو‬
ُ ْ‫اجة فَ ُقل‬َ َ ‫َح َس ِن الن ِ ُ ْ َ َ ْ ا‬ ْ ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم م ْن أ‬ ُ ‫َكا َن َر ُت‬
‫اَّلل صلى‬ َِّ ‫ول‬ ُ ‫وق فَِإ َذا َر ُت‬ ِ ‫الس‬ُّ ‫ان َوُه ْم يَْل َعبُو َن ِِف‬ ٍ ‫ال فَخرجت ح ََّّت أَمَّر علَى ِصب ي‬ َِّ ‫لِما أَمرِّن بِِه نَِِب‬
َْ َ ُ َ ُ ْ َ َ َ َ‫ ق‬. ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم‬ ُّ ََ َ
‫ب‬ ِ ِ ِ ِ ِ ِ
ُ ‫ت نَ َع ْم أ ًََن أَ ْذ َه‬
ُ ْ‫ قُل‬."‫ك‬ َ ُ‫ُ أ ََم ْرت‬ُ ‫ب َحْي‬ ْ ‫س ا ْذ َه‬
ُ ‫"َي أُنَْي‬
َ ‫ال‬
َ ‫ك فَ َق‬
ُ ‫ض َل‬ ْ َ‫ت إلَْيه َوُه َو ي‬
ُ ‫اى م ْن َوَرائي فَنَظَْر‬ َ ‫ض ب َق َف‬
ٌ ‫هللا عليه وتلم قَاب‬
َ‫ َوال‬.‫ت َك َذا َوَك َذا‬ ِ ٍ ِ َ َ‫اَّلل لَ َق ْد خدمته تبع ِتنِني أَو تِسع ِتنِني ما علِمت ق‬ َِّ ‫ال أَنَس و‬ َِّ ‫ول‬
َ ‫ت ملَ فَ َع ْل‬ ُ ‫صنَ ْع‬ َ ‫ال ل َش ْىء‬ ُ ْ َ َ َ َ ْ ْ َ َ ْ َ ُُ ْ َ َ َ ٌ َ َ‫ ق‬.‫اَّلل‬ َ ‫ََي َر ُت‬
ٍ ِ
َ ْ‫ت َهالَّ فَ َعل‬
‫ت َك َذا َوَك َذا‬ ُ ‫ل َش ْىء تَ َرْك‬
The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was one
of the best of men in character. One day he sent me to do something, and I
said: I swear by Allah that I will not go. But in my heart I felt that I should
go to do what the Prophet of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him, had commanded me; so I went out and came upon some boys who were
playing in the street. All of a sudden the Messenger of Allah peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him who had come from behind caught me by the
back of the neck, and when I looked at him he was laughing. He said: go
where I ordered you, little Anas. I replied: yes, I am going, Messenger of
Allah! Anas said: I swear by Allah, I served him for seven or nine years, and
he never said to me about a thing which I had done: why did you do such and
such? Nor about a thing which I left: why did not do such and such?
[Transmitted by Abu Daawud]

No wonder Anas ibn Maalik, may Allah be pleased with him, described the Prophet, peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him, as the most kind to one's family (‫)أ َْر َح ُم ِِبلْعِيَ ِال‬. Another companion,

Mu'awiyah bin Al-Hakam As-Sulami may Allah be pleased with him described him as the best
teacher and instructor (‫يما‬ِ
‫َح َس ُن تَ ْعل ا‬
ْ ‫)أ‬

12
Anas ibn Maalik may Allah be pleased with him said:

‫اَّللِ صلى هللا عليه وتلم‬

َّ ‫ول‬ِ ‫ما رأَيت أَح ادا َكا َن أَرحم ِِبلْعِي ِال ِمن رت‬
َُ ْ َ ََْ َ ُ َْ َ
I have never seen anyone more kind to one’s family than Allah's Messenger
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. [Transmitted by Muslim]

Mu’awiyah bin Al-Hakam As-Sulami, may Allah be pleased with him, said:

ِ ِ‫ما رأَيت معلِِّما قَب لَه وَال ب ع َده أَحسن تَعل‬

ُ‫يما مْنه‬
‫َ َ ْ ُ َُ ا ْ ُ َ َْ ُ ْ َ َ ْ ا‬
I have never seen a teacher before or after who gave better instruction than
he instructor than him. [Transmitted by Muslim]

In summary, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was the most ideal husband
and the best father. He exemplified and personified the perfect character of a family leader who
follows the guidance of Allah, the Most High. It is therefore incumbent upon Muslims to
emulate and copy him as much as possible.

3. Uniqueness of the Prophet’s Method of Ishra (Graceful Treatment) and Parenting

The Prophet’s method of Ishrah with his wives and parenting the members of his household is
unique. The uniqueness of the method can be better appreciated from the perspectives of its
scope and approach.

The Prophet’s (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) method of Ishra and parenting is all-
inclusive in its scope. He used to give the members of his household spiritual, intellectual,
moral and social training to facilitate their progression from maturation to maturity of the mind
and intellect. In addition, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to
support them in developing relevant skills to enable them become useful to themselves and
their community.

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to pray Qiyaam at night, and
when he prayed Witr he would wake up his family to also pray [transmitted by Muslim]; and
in the last ten days of the month of Ramadan, he used to wake up his family to perform acts of
worship [transmitted by Bukhari and Muslim].

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has also encouraged men to teach their
spouses and female slaves as he used to do. In a Hadith, the Messenger of Allah, peace and

13
blessings of Allah be upon him, mentioned that there are three people who will have two
rewards. One of them is, “a man who has a female slave whom he teaches good manners and
teaches her well, and teaches her knowledge, and teaches her well, then he frees her and marries
her: he will have two rewards”. [Transmitted by Bukhari].

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, used to teach and discipline the
members of his household to have the best manners and the best personal characteristics.
Through many of his speeches and actions, he used to instil in them moral virtues such as
justice, courage, truthfulness, dependability, sympathy, compassion, loyalty, generosity,
dignity, restraint, sense of responsibility, and devotion to duty. He also used to give them
general and specific instructions and advice concerning the rights of Almighty Allah their
Creator on one hand, and on other hand, the rights of men on each other, and the duty they owe
to all created beings in general; and how they will fulfil their social responsibilities and act
towards all individuals or groups or any other creature with whom they may come into contact
in the different walks of life.

The method of Ishrah and parenting used by the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him, is therefore all-encompassing. It facilitates the creation of a good home for the nurturing,
guidance and reformation of the subsequent generations, the engine of development, and the
pillar of stability of the Muslim Ummah.

In terms of approach, the method of Ishrah and parenting used by the Prophet, peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him symbolises balance and moderation between harshness and
looseness on one hand, and between nonchalance and assertiveness on other hand.

Despite his simplicity, kindness, tolerance and accommodation, the Prophet, peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him, has never approved evil in his family. He had always resisted
bad manners in the home and disapproved all forms of disobedience to Almighty Allah or
violation of the rights of people. For example, Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, said:

.‫كان رتول هللا صلى هللا عليه وتلم إذا اطِّلع على أحد من أهل بيته كذب كذبة مل يزل معرض ا عنه حَّت َيدث توبة‬
If the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, came
to know that one of his household had told a lie, he would try to ignore him
until he repented. [Transmitted by Ahmad]

14
Despite the Hadith of Aisha may Allah be pleased with her that “the Prophet, peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him, never beat up his servants or wives and he never hit anyone
except in war” [transmitted by Muslim], the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him, has approved the use of hinting at punishment as an effective means of discipline. In a
Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

‫ب‬ ِ
ٌ ‫ فإنَّه ِلم أ ََد‬،‫ُ يََراهُ أ َْه ُل البيت‬ َّ ‫َعلِِّ ُقوا‬
ُ ‫الس ْو َط َحْي‬
Hang a whip in a place that can be seen by the inhabitants of the house
because it is useful to educate them. [Transmitted by Tabaraani]

Hanging up a whip where the members of the household can see it is in line with the need for
assertiveness in raising and educating children. According to scholars, seeing the means of
punishment hanging up will make those who have bad intentions refrain from indulging in bad
behaviour, lest they get a taste of it, and will motivate them to behave themselves and be good-
mannered.

Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, also narrated:

‫ أما علمت‬،‫ فقال الرتول صلى هللا عليه وتلم “كخ كخ إرم هبا‬،‫أخذ اِلسن بن علي ُترة من ُتر الصدقة فجعلها ِف فيه‬
‫أًن ال أنكل الصدقة‬
Al-Hasan bin 'Ali may Allah be pleased with them took one of the dates of
Sadaqah (charity) and put it in his mouth, whereupon the Messenger of Allah
peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said, "Leave it, leave it, throw it
away. Do you not know that we do not eat Sadaqah (charity)?" [Transmitted
by Bukhari and Muslim].

On one occasion, the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, cautioned his beloved
wife Aisha when he found her being too harsh on a group of Jews who prayed evil against him.
Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, narrated:

َِّ ‫ول‬ ِ ‫ط ِمن الْي ه‬

ِ ‫ود َعلَى رت‬
َ ‫ فَ َق‬.ُ‫الس ُام َواللَّ ْعنَة‬
‫ال‬ َّ ‫ت َعلَْي ُك ُم‬ ُ ‫ فَ َف ِه ْمتُ َها فَ ُق ْل‬.‫ك‬
َ ‫الس ُام َعلَْي‬
َّ ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم فَ َقالُوا‬ َُ ُ َ َ ٌ ‫َد َخ َل َرْه‬
‫اَّللِ أ ََوَملْ تَ ْس َم ْع َما قَالُوا‬
َّ ‫ول‬َ ‫ت ََي َر ُت‬ ِِ
ُ ْ‫ فَ ُقل‬."‫الرفْ َق ِِف األ َْم ِر ُكلِّه‬ ُّ ‫اَّللَ َُِي‬
ِِّ ‫ب‬ َّ ‫ فَِإ َّن‬،ُ‫"م ْهالا ََي َعائِ َشة‬ َ ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم‬
َِّ ‫ول‬ ُ ‫َر ُت‬
"‫ت َو َعلَْي ُك ْم‬ ِ
ُ ‫اَّلل صلى هللا عليه وتلم "فَ َق ْد قُ ْل‬َّ ‫ال َر ُتو ُل‬
َ َ‫ق‬
A group of Jews came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of
Allah be upon him and said, “As-samu ‘Alaika” (death be on you), and I
understood it and said to them, “Alaikum As-Samu wa-l-la’na (death and
curse be on you).” Allah’s Messenger said, “Be calm! O Aisha, for Allah
loves that one should be kind and lenient in all matters.” I said. “O Allah’s
Messenger! Have you not heard what they have said?” The Messenger of

15
 Allah peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said, “I have (already) said
(to them), ‘Alaikum (upon you).’” [Transmitted by Bukhari].

4. Conclusion
The foregoing has highlighted some Prophetic examples of family leadership. It is important
for Muslim couples to understand the philosophy and goals of marriage in Islam, discharge
toward each other respective rights, and cooperate with each other in actualising conscious and
pious parenting to their children. It has been said:

َ ‫وِرعاية‬
‫وَت ُّمل وصغري‬ ‫ومهمة‬ ُ ‫إن الزواج وظيفة‬
‫وعناية ما َحقُّها التقصري‬ ‫تصرب وجتلُّد‬
ٌ ‫إن الزواج‬
To achieve this, would-be couples need to go through well-planned marriage education and
counselling programme to learn about marriage, its purpose, rights and responsibilities, how to
make marriage work, marital discord, and effect and consequences of marriage dissolution. In
this regard, Islamic groups, Jumu’ah mosques and CBOs should establish marriage education
and counselling centers in their communities. The centers should not only focus on providing
pre-marital education and counselling services but should also be organising sensitisation
programmes for married couples on marital life, its challenges and how to address marital
challenges. In addition, such centers should be providing reconciliation/arbitration services for
couples with marital discord. Government (local and state) on its part should support marriage
education and counselling initiatives through its relevant agencies.

16
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