What is self-confidence?

If we are self-confident, we can adopt an appropriate attitude

whatever the situation. To  develop true self-confidence, we first
need to recognise the ways in which we may lack confidence. People
who lack self-confidence may not dare to express themselves, may
not express themselves clearly, or may express their point of view in
an aggressive way. There is only one type of behaviour that illustrates
self-confidence, and that is expressing oneself with self-respect
and respect for others. Understanding these various behaviour
patterns enables us to develop true self-confidence.

4 types of behaviour
Passive behaviour
This type of behaviour is rooted in a fear of other people. It can come from a fear of taking action, voicing one’s
opinion, rejection, or hurting others. The source of all of these fears is low self-esteem.
• Signs of passive behaviour
-- Passive people are pessimistic and often complain.
-- They employ cautious speech and apologetic phrases. They often say ambiguous things such as “if you like”
or “I suppose what I want to say is”, or they express uncertainty, saying “I mean”, “I don’t know”, “perhaps”, or
“I’ll try”.
-- Their speech is hesitant and stumbling (with lots of ums and ahs) and their voices are low. There are
frequent silences and they often leave sentences unfinished.
• Examples of passive behaviour
-- Letting oneself be exploited and not daring to refuse to do other people’s work.
-- Systematically playing a secondary role and doing things that will benefit other people.
-- Not taking the initiative and being content to follow others.
-- Being easily influenced and tending to adopt other people’s viewpoints. Being unable to say no or be honest
about what one thinks. Shying away from speaking in public.
-- Playing the role of victim and complaining about one’s lot in life.
Playing for time and putting off work until later.

Aggressive behaviour
This type of behaviour is rooted in a more or less conscious desire to dominate others. It can manifest as
aggravated authoritarianism, a distrust of others, or an exaggeratedly positive opinion of one’s worth and abilities.
• Signs of aggressive behaviour
-- Aggressive people repeatedly accuse and judge others, and question people’s intentions. They tend to
moralise and often issue orders.
-- They are very critical and issue reproaches using expressions with strong connotations like “shut your mouth”.
-- They easily revert to such beliefs as “life is a jungle”.

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• Examples of aggressive behaviour
-- Throwing one’s weight around and legitimising one’s power by shouting orders.
-- Persecuting someone.
-- Systematically opposing all opinions or decisions. Criticising everything and bringing attention to the
slightest imperfection.
-- Constantly trying to be the centre of attention and voicing one’s opinion in an arrogant way.

Manipulative behaviour
Manipulative behaviour is calculated; people who adopt it use roundabout means to reach their objectives.
• Signs of manipulative behaviour
-- Manipulators use flattery and employ damaging, even illicit, means to reach their goals.
-- Their requests are not formulated honestly, but are expressed indirectly.
-- They take advantage of other people’s kindness.
-- They use unclear, ambiguous, or contradictory expressions.
• Examples of manipulative behaviour
-- Exploiting every contact in one’s network and not hesitating to use blackmail to reach an improper goal.
-- Resorting to flattery to trick others.
-- Spreading rumours.
-- Setting people against each other to progress towards one’s aim.

Assertive behaviour
This type of behaviour is rooted in the desire to take one’s rightful place in society, while respecting other people.
• Signs of assertive behaviour
-- Expressing oneself clearly, with assurance and precision, and stating things that are based on fact.
-- Calm, composed speech, with a measured delivery.
-- A clear, distinct, assertive voice.
• Examples of assertive behaviour
-- Taking responsibility for one’s opinions, choices, and feelings.
-- Taking initiatives and seeking solutions.
-- Acknowledging difference and treating others equally.
-- Neither denigrating others nor moralising. Being factual.
-- Not being afraid to confront others when they behave in an unacceptable way. Knowing how to set limits.
-- Refusing criticism when it is unjustified. Acknowledging one’s own skills honestly and without arrogance.

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Assertive behaviour shows self-confidence
• Passive people have a fear of expressing themselves and rapidly adopt other people’s viewpoints. They don’t have
enough confidence in themselves to assert their opinions.
• Aggressive people try to dominate by imposing themselves on other people. They perceive others as a threat.
Their defensive attitude hides a lack of self-confidence.
• Manipulators fear other people’s reactions, so hide their real motives and try to obtain what they want from
others in roundabout ways. This shows a lack of self-confidence.
Aggressive people and manipulators may give the impression of being self-assured. However, the types of
behaviour they adopt show that they doubt their capacity to stand up to others in a different way and remain
in control of their emotions. In short, they lack self-confidence.
• Assertive behaviour indicates self-confidence. Assertive people neither fear others nor themselves, and can
assert themselves while giving others the opportunity to express themselves.
Being assertive enables you to develop constructive relationships with others and tackle situations, confident
that the right solutions can be found.

Self-confidence equals respect

Self-confidence means not fearing others, but it is also an indication of the consideration we have for ourselves and
others. This means recognising people’s rights.

Respecting yourself and others

If you possess self-confidence
• you grant yourself rights because you respect yourself, and you grant the same rights to others because you do
not fear them.
This enables you to be assertive; you are sure of yourself and express your opinions while also paying heed to other
people’s viewpoints. The more self-confident you are, the more you can assert who you are in a level-headed way,
without seeking to prove anything to others and without fearing their criticism.

Not respecting yourself or others

If you lack confidence in yourself, you tend to see others as a threat and you may adopt the following types of
behaviour:
• Passive behaviour. You remain in the background
Relationship between rights and
and follow others. Out of fear of others, you grant
the four types of behaviour
more rights to them than yourself.
“I stand up for
• Aggressive behaviour. You oppose other people. To Aggressive my rights.”

defend yourself, you grant more rights to yourself

Manipulative Assertive
than to others.
“I don’t respect the “I respect the rights
• Manipulative behaviour. You use roundabout means rights of others.” of others.”
to obtain what you want from others. You grant
more rights to yourself than to others.

Passive

“I don’t stand up
for my rights.”

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Developing your assertiveness
Lack of self-confidence manifests as a disregard for one’s own rights or those of others. To pinpoint the lack of
confidence in yourself and remedy it, you must become aware of the rights you fail to grant yourself or that you
do not grant to others.
There are five rights to be taken into consideration.
• Self-respect and respect for others
-- Accepting other people as they are, whatever their differences, requires empathy, i.e. we need to relate
to others without judgement and without projecting our ideas onto them.
-- Self-respect means not accepting intrusion, and not allowing others to impose their opinions on us.
• The right of expression
This is the right to assert one’s opinion even if it clashes with that of other people; it is the right to make requests
and express refusal.
• The right to make mistakes
This enables us to learn by trial and error. Not giving yourself this right prevents you from taking action.
• The right to express one’s preferences
This means making one’s own choices in life, and taking responsibility for them.
• The right to take responsibility for one’s acts
This means taking responsibility for our actions, whatever the life situation confronting us.

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