Personal Development
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Personal Relationships
- The concept of relationship is very broad and complex.
In our model, personal relationships refer to close
connections between people, formed by emotional
bonds and interactions. These bonds often grow from
and are strengthened by mutual experiences.
A healthy relationship with friends is a source of lifetime
happiness.
HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?
- Attachment theory is a concept in developmental
psychology that concerns the importance of
"attachment" in regard to personal development.
Specifically, it makes the claim that the ability for an
individual to form an emotional and physical
"attachment" to another person gives a sense of stability
and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and
grow and develop as a personality. Naturally,
attachment theory is a broad idea with many
expressions, and the best understanding of it can be
had by looking at several of those expressions in turn.
John Bowlby
- Psychologist John Bowlby was the first to coin the
term. His work in the late 60s established the precedent
that childhood development depended heavily upon a
child's ability to form a strong relationship with "at least
one primary caregiver". Generally speaking, this is one
of the
parents.
ATTACHMENT STYLES AS DEFINED BY
AINSWORTH, BLEKAR AND WALL 1978
1. Secure attachment is classified by children who
show some distress when their caregiver
leaves but are able to compose themselves and
do something knowing that their caregiver will
return. Children with secure attachment feel
protected by their caregivers, and they know
that they can depend on them to return.
2. Avoidant Attachment - Parents of children with
an avoidant/anxious attachment tend to be
emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to
them a good deal of the time. They disregard or
ignore their children's needs and can be
especially rejecting when their child is hurt or
sick.
3. Anxious - ambivalent attachment is when the
infant feels separation anxiety when separated
from the caregiver and does not feel reassured
when the caregiver returns to the infant.
Anxious-avoidant attachment is when the infant
avoids their parents. Disorganized attachment
is when there is a lack of attachment behavior.
3 BRAIN SYSTEMS OF LOVE:
LUST, ATTRACTION, AND ATTACHMENT
- While love is complicated and can't simply be reduced
to three biological brain states, there are clear
neurochemical processes that do contribute to feelings
of love. While not called 'love', the desire to mate with a
specific individual is not limited to humans but exists
across many species. The drive to find a mate, bond,
and reproduce is called the 'attraction system'. This
system is made up of three fundamental pathways --
lust, attraction and attachment - which occur in both
birds and
WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION
1. Lust - Is sex really all that guys think about? Possibly.
But women think about it too. Lust is our sex drive or
libido, and it is in part driven by the hormone's
testosterone and estrogen. Lust refers to an urge or
desire that motivates us to partake in sexual activity.
This desire to be involved in sexual activity is there
regardless of whether someone has a sexual
partner or not.
2. Attraction - Although often described as part of lust,
attraction is distinguished from lust because it involves
focusing our attention to a particular person or desire.
Lust on the other hand is our libido; it is the underlying
urge for sexual gratification. Attraction is also in part
driven by different hormones than is lust, with
adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin playing key roles.
Ultimately, engaging in sexual activity may be just as
dependent upon individual attraction as it is upon lust.
3. Attachment - Attachment is a deep and enduring
emotional bond that connects one person to another
across time and space (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby,
1969).
- We have previously presented the biological model of
love as anthropologist Helen Fisher explained in her
theory that the experience of love comes in three
overlapping stages and where certain hormones are
involved in each stage lust, attraction and
attachment.
THE ROZENBERG QUARTERLY MENTIONS
SEVERAL THEORIES ON ATTRACTION
1. Transference effect - Transference is a
phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection
of feelings from one person to another.
2. Propinquity Effect - The propinquity effect is the
tendency for people to form friendships or romantic
relationships with those whom they encounter often,
forming a bond between subject and friend.
Occupational propinquity, based on a person's career,
is also commonly seen as a factor in marriage selection.
3. Similarity - the state of being similar; likeness;
resemblance. 2. an aspect, trait, or feature like or
resembling another or another's: a similarity of diction.
4. Reciprocity - In social psychology, reciprocity is a
social rule that says people should repay, in kind, what
another person has provided for them; that is, people
give back (reciprocate) the kind of treatment they have
received from another.
5. Physical attractiveness is the degree to which a
person's physical features are considered aesthetically
pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual
attractiveness or desirability but can also be distinct
from either.
PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS
- Five major traits underlie personality, according to
psychologists. They are introversion/extroversion,
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openness, conscientiousness, extraversion,
agreeableness and neuroticism.
THREE COMPONENTS OF TRIANGULAR
THEORY OF LOVE
1. Intimacy - An intimate relationship is an interpersonal
relationship that involves physical and/or emotional
intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by
friendship, platonic love, romantic love or sexual activity.
2. Commitment - a promise to do or give something.: a
promise to be loyal to someone or something.: the
attitude of someone who works very hard to do or
support something.
3. Passion - is a very strong feeling about a person or
thing. Passion is an intense emotion, a compelling
enthusiasm or desire for something.
Commitment Saying Yes and Meaning It
ROZENBERG QUARTERLY
1. Accumulation of all rewards of the Relationship
2. Temptation of Alternative partners
3. Investments made by the couple in the Relationship
FOUR BEHAVIORS MARRIED COUPLES MAY DO
THAT CAN PREDICT A DIVORCE OR SEPARATION
• Criticism
• Denial of the existence of conflict
• Contempt
RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Be Responsible for what you think and say to other
person
2. Be responsible for what you think and say to your
family
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial
4. Respect the other party or parties involved
5. Be ready to provide support when needed
In conclusion, Relationship are necessary for our
survival as species and as an individual. Relationship
defines our own humanity, because through our
interaction with others, we learn about human behavior
and emotions, and how to communicate with each
other.
SOCIAL RELATIONSHIP IN MIDDLE AND LATE
ADOLESCENCE
Social Relationship
- Social relationships tend to be less intimate, with
lesser self-disclosure involved, but may still be
exclusive, and may demand certain levels of loyalty as
in fraternities or religious organizations, and to a lesser
extent, loosely knitted social clubs like practitioners of
certain specialized professions.
- Middle and late adolescents usually find themselves
in the company of their peers, usually from the school
or the neighborhood.
Goleman's Social Intelligence Theory
- Daniel Goleman, author of the book Social
Intelligence; The New Science of Human Relationships
(2006), explained how our brains are wired to connect
with other people, and how part of the human brain
located just above the eyes, called ORBITOFRONTAL
CORTEX (OFC), is connected directly to the three major
regions of the brain; Cortex, Amygdala, and the Brain
Stem.
Social Influence
- An article, Social Influence, written by Lisa Rashotte
(2007), discuss a study conducted by renowned social
psychologists John R. P. French and Bertram Raven
1959 on the concept of power and this is used in social
influence. According to Rashotte, the authors defined
social influence as things such as behaviors, actions,
concepts, ideas, communications, wealth, and other
resources that bring about changes in the beliefs,
attitudes, and/or behavior of a persons as a result of the
actions of another person
TYPES OF SOCIAL INFLUENCE
Herbert Kelman (1958), a Harvad Psychologist
1. COMPLIANCE – is when a person seems to agree
and follows what is requested or required of him or her
to do or believe in but does not necessarily have to
really believe or agree to it.
2. IDENTIFICATION – is when a person is influenced
by someone he or she likes or looks up to; like a movie
star, a social celebrity, or a superhero.
3. INTERNALIZATION – is when a person able to own
certain belief or act and is willing to make it known
publicly and privately.
OTHER TYPES OF SOCIAL INFLUENCE
CONFORMITY
- involves a change in behavior, belief, or thinking to be
like others.
- Most common and pervasive form of social influence.
- is very strong particularly among middle and late
adolescents.
CONVERSION
– occurs when individual whole-heatedly changes his or
her original thinking and beliefs, actions, and attitudes
to align with those of the other members of a group.
MINORITY INFLUENCE
– happens when a bigger number of people are
influenced by a much smaller number of people and
when the minority’s way of looking at and going things
are accepted.
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REACTANCE
– is when there is a willing rejection of social influence
being exerted on an individual or group. Also known as
Anti- or non-conformity.
OBEDIENCE
– when a person follows what someone tells him or her
to do.
PERSUASION
– is used by one person or group to influence another.
LEADERSHIP AND FOLLOWERS THEORIES
- Influence plays a major role in leadership. Leadership,
as inferred from writing of Chester Barnard, is as the
ability of a person in position of authority to influence
others to behave in such manner that goals are
achieved (Novicevic, Harvey, Buckley, Brown, & Evans
2006).
- Power is also annexed to leadership, and that a leader
may obtain power through various means and sources,
such as position, giving rewards, expertise, respect, or
coercion (French & Raven, 2008).
THEORIES OF LEADERSHIP
1. TRAIT THEORY – defines leadership based on
certain personality traits that are generally suited for all
leaders such as decisiveness, persistence, high level of
self-confidence and assertiveness.
2. BEHAVIORAL THEORY – leadership is a learned
behavior, and that leaders are defined according to
certain types of behavior they exhibit.
3. PARTICIPATIVE THEORY – opposite of autocratic
leader, involves other people to make common
decisions.
4. SITUATIONAL THEORY – assumes that there is no
one style of leadership and that leadership behavior is
based on the factors present in situation, and usually
takes into consideration how followers behave.
5. TRANSACTIONAL THEORY – leadership involves a
transaction or negotiation of resources or position, and
usually employs reward and punishment.
6. TRANSFORMATIONAL THEORY – involves a
vision, which a leader uses to rally support form
followers. The role of the leader is to motivate others to
support the vision and make it happen.
AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP
Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones (2006):
3 BASIC AXIOMS OF LEADERSHIP:
LEADERSHIP IS SITUATIONAL
– a leader’s behavior and what is required of him will
always be influenced by the situation.
LEADERSHIP IS NON-HIERARCHICAL
– the exercise of leadership is not based on one’s
position in an organizational chart alone but also
dependent on other factors such as characteristics,
skills, and even connections.
LEADERSHIP IS RELATIONAL
– leadership and followers establish a relationship
where their interests are mutually met.
LEADER-MEMBER EXCHANGE (LMX) THEORY
- The LMX Theory states that a leader’s effectiveness is
measured by the quality of his relationship with his
followers, and different types of relationships can evolve
between leader and follower in a certain work situation.
- Another tenant of the theory is that there should be an
exchange of resources between leader and follower that
is meaningful and viewed by both parties.
HEROIC LEADERSHIP
- Referred to the type of leadership that the members of
the society of Jesus live by.
Four Principles:
SELF-AWARENESS
– emphasized the importance of self-awareness,
knowing and understanding fully our strengths and
challenges.
INGENUITY
- a leader of this type is not stuck in his comfort zone
because the world is constantly changing.
LOVE
– a healthy self-concept generates a healthy and
positive attitude when dealing with other people.
HEROISM
– This type of leadership is about motivating and
inspiring other people to reach for higher goals, for
bigger and greater things.
4 ELEMENTS FOLLOWERS WANT FROM A
LEADER
According to GOFFEE and JONES:
AUTHENTICITY
– the leader is not afraid to show his/her weakness,
reveals his/her human side without fear.
SIGNIFICANCE
– a leader provides the reason or meaning for followers
to believe in.
EXCITEMENT
– a leader provides motivation and inspiration to his/her
followers and excites them to pursue their vision.
COMMUNITY
– a leader builds a community of followers with whom
they can associate and forge relationships.
THE WHY-HOW -WHAT TYPES OF LEADERSHIP
- According to Simon Sinek (2009), a leader inspires
people and gives them something to believe in.
Examples of these types of leaders are Moses, who
brought the people of his tribe out of Egyptian slavery;
Martin Luther King, who inspired people with his speech
“I Have a Dream”; and of course, our own national
heroes, Jose Rizal and Andres Bonifacio, who inspired
our early ancestors to dream of freedom from Spanish
colonization.
WHY
– most important question to ask first when leading
others is the reason or purpose why followers are asked
to act and behave in a certain way.
- A visionary leader
HOW
– which is the action that will make a vision a reality.
- A realist leader
WHAT
– the outcomes or results of the actions.
- A builder leader
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Conflict
- is the dynamics when two or more people,
organizations, or nations perceive one another as a
threat to their needs or interests.
- is perceived incompatibility of actions or goals
between people or nations and happens when there is
an imbalance between concern for oneself and those of
others
- When one party perceives that another party has
negatively affected, or
- is about to negatively affect, CONFLICT starts!
The Nature of Conflict
- Conflict inflicts so much pain and negative emotions
on those involved. Reasoning is often clouded and
miscommunication occurs especially at the height of an
emotional argument when words are exchanged to
inflict harm on the other.
- Conflict can happen anywhere whenever there are
people. Conflict may also involve just yourself, such as
not being able to decide whether to study or not for test
just so you can be with your friends or getting into
conflict with the law.
Four Stages of Conflict
Intrapersonal
- With oneself, like when one is indecisive about things.
Interpersonal
- Among two or more individuals, like having a
misunderstanding between friends, family members, or
lovers.
Intra Group
- Within the same interest group, like a student
organization
Inter Group
- Between two or more groups, like fraternities
Faced with a conflict situation, human beings often
choose between two types of responses, flight or fight.
For a flight response, there are several types of
behavior involved: avoidance, ignoring, or denial.
Avoidance
- Means to evade or dodge the cause of the strong
emotion or uneasiness one feels for another person
who is in conflict with you.
Ignoring
- Is when you are in the same place as the other person
you are in conflict with, and you disregard and snub his
presence.
Denying
- Means when someone asks you if you are quarreling
or in disagreement with the person you are in conflict
with and you disagree or refute the comment or
observation.
Responses to Conflict
- Facing conflict involves several types of behavior. One
is directly confront the other person and engage in a
peaceful dialogue.
However, when emotions are running high, violent
behavior usually occurs, such as the use of foul
language.
4 Strategies in Response to Conflict
1. Fight - force the other party to accept a stand that is
against that party's interest.
2. Submit - yield to the demands of the other party and
agree to end the conflict.
3. Flee - leave the situation where the conflict is
occurring or change the topic.
4. Freeze - do nothing and just wait the other party's
next move or allow the pressure to build up.
What Creates Conflict?
"Causes of Conflicts
Conflicts may arise due to the following (Myers, 2013):
- Competing for scarce or limited resources such as
time, jobs, food, natural resources, and even love and
affection within family or personal relationships.
- Disagreement over the interpretation of facts or
information.
- Perceiving threats to one's own needs and interest.
- Perceiving unjust treatment caused by another person
or entity
- Miscommunication between parties.
- Misjudging another person's or group's belief systems
born out of prejudice or bias.
- Exhibiting behaviors that are destructive to another
person's well-being or reputation.
Positive Effects of Conflict
- Allows for issues to surface;
- Raises the awareness of both person's needs;
- Allows emotions to be expressed;
- Understand and accept the uniqueness and
differences of other people
- Strengthens the resolve of the parties to pursue
common goals and
- Encourages dialogue and empowerment
Conflict Management Styles
- Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument to help
people understand how they deal with conflict by
measuring a person's behavior in conflict situations.
According to Thomas and Kilmann (2008), there are two
dimensions to this conflict-handling behavior:
Assertiveness
- or the extent to which a person will try to satisfy his or
her own needs or interests
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Cooperativeness
- or the extent to which a person will attempt to satisfy
the other person's needs or interests.

Based on the two dimensions, there are five modes in

dealing with conflict. These are:
1. Competing - is assertive and uncooperative. An
individual's interests are above all else; power and
authority are often used to win against others.
2. Accommodating - is unassertive and cooperative.
An individual is willing to neglect his or her interests or
needs for the sake of the other person, yielding one's
position and allowing the other to pursue his or her
position at the other's expense.
3. Compromising - is moderately assertive and
moderately cooperative. An individual is neither here
nor there; prefers to split whatever is at stake in half to
partly satisfy both parties just to get over the problem.
4. Avoiding - is unassertive and uncooperative. The
individual prefers to stay out of the situation either by
postponing a decision, taking a wait-and-see position,
or withdrawing completely until conditions are better.
5. Collaborating - is assertive and cooperative. The
individual seeks a mutually satisfying solution by
understanding the needs and interests of the other
person and expanding the resources rather than
competing over them; seeks a win-win solution.

Negotiating through a Personal Conflict Situation

1. Understand the nature of the conflict.
- Is the conflict caused by someone else's
behavior?
- Were expectations met?
- Did the person promise you something but did
not fulfill it?
- Did someone fail to uphold something very
important and of value to you?
2. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions.
- Be aware of the stirrings of emotions within
you.
- Express this in a constructive way like
verbalizing the emotion with the other person.
3. Examine your relationship with this person.
- How important is your relationship with the
person?
4. Clarify your intentions.
- Do you want to continue your relationship with
this person or not?
- If yes, then proceed to undertake a dialogue.
If not, decide if you want to keep the relationship
or not.

5. If you wish to keep the relationship, have a talk

with the person involved
- stating that you value your relationship and
would like to express your feelings about what
was done or not done to you, then ask for an
explanation as to the other person's actions.
6. Once the dialogue is accomplished to you and the
other person's mutual satisfaction, then grant a
reconciliatory act
- like shaking hands or embracing each other.
Grant or request for forgiveness or apology if
necessary, then promise to move.