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YOUR FREE SAY NO CHECKLIST
DON’T LET THE PEOPLE PLEASING TRAP YOU AGAIN...
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INTRODUCTION
Sarah had spent three years with her partner before she realized she
had made an abominable mistake. She had been lied to, humiliated
in front of her friends and family, cheated on, and heartbroken. She
doubted her judgments and instincts, felt alone, and couldn’t
imagine being able to trust again.
How did she finally come to this realization? She started to pay more
attention to her partner's body language and non-verbal cues than
she did to the words that came out of his mouth!
Many of us feel the ability to read people is a superhuman skill that
is out of our reach, something that is saved for fictional characters
such as Sherlock Holmes. If you have seen the latest series,
Benedict Cumberbatch does an incredible job of portraying
Sherlock’s awkwardness in social situations. But, whether it’s
portrayed by Cumberbatch or in the original writings of Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes has a level of people-reading skills
that most of us desire.
Imagine being able to walk into a room and know someone
overslept because of a toothpaste stain on their shirt. Or before a
person even speaks, you know they are about to tell you a lie. For
Sarah, and thousands of other people, this skill would save a lot of
pain!
From a very young age, we are told to listen. Listen to your teacher,
listen to what your parents tell you, respect your elders and listen.
We aren’t taught how to actively listen, but what is worse is that
with all this emphasis on listening, we neglect the super skill that
Sherlock has—the ability to observe.
You may have seen various statistics on the importance of body
language, but one of the most significant studies comes from
Professor Albert Mehrabian. His research in the 1970s showed that
only 7 percent of our communication comes from the words we use.
Body language accounts for 55 percent, which may not surprise you.
However, 38 percent of our communication is conveyed by our tone
of voice and pitch.
Mehrabian himself explained that the 7-38-55 ratio was seen when
people were talking about their emotions. Nevertheless, if you want
your communication to be meaningful and honest, it requires
emotions. In Sarah’s case, she had based her entire relationship on
7 percent of communication. She had missed out on a massive part
of human interaction.
This doesn’t just have an impact on how you read others and your
interpretation of social interactions. Not being aware of your own
non-verbal cues affects your ability to effectively communicate every
message you want to get across. There is no exaggeration here—
every message!
It’s human nature to want to feel like you belong. When you struggle
to communicate, one of the first things that happens is that you
start to feel isolated from others. Sometimes, you avoid social
situations; other times, you may be physically present but so worried
about the impression you make or how you are interpreted that you
don’t risk engaging with others. This isolation can lead to serious
mental health conditions, especially anxiety.
Because you have been relying on verbal communication, there can
often be a lot of trust issues surrounding your interactions. It’s
incredibly hard to know where you stand with someone when their
verbal and non-verbal messages are conflicting. The same can be
said for others trusting you. Trust is fundamental for all our
relationships.
Another human condition is the desire to please others, whether
that’s your parents, your children, your friends, or coworkers. How
can you fulfill their needs when you can’t get an accurate reading of
them? It’s frustrating when someone tells you they are okay but
then acts completely differently.
You may have already tried to improve your ability to read others,
but after millions of results from an online search, you are left
feeling more confused than ever. Information overload quickly leads
to analysis paralysis. Rather than action, you sink farther into
isolation.
The cycle is vicious. The more you start to doubt your own abilities,
the more the insecurities start to take over. It gets harder to trust
yourself and others and instead of risking the fear of rejection, it’s
simply safer to disconnect.
The end result is that your romantic relationships are tense, you
struggle to advance in your career, and you find yourself saying no
to more and more events. Your friends start to distance themselves,
and you even doubt your parenting skills because you don’t know
whether you are coming or going.
You may tell yourself this is fine and you are perfectly happy with
Netflix and your sofa but eventually, this will take its toll. Social
isolation can cause depression, poor sleep, decreased heart health,
and lower immunity. It can be twice as harmful as obesity, both
physically and mentally.
This is no way for anyone to live! Regardless of our background and
experiences, we all deserve to live the life we want, a happy one
filled with our passions. And regardless of your previous attempts,
you do have the ability to learn how to read absolutely anyone.
We are going to begin with the basics of reading people, and what
social cues are in relation to both verbal and non-verbal
communication. We will discover how to understand what other
people are feeling based on signals from various parts of their
bodies, as well as how to detect emotions when face-to-face
communication isn’t possible.
By the end of this book, you will be able to effectively read adults,
children, teenagers, and even those with personality disorders who
are experts at hiding their emotions.
It has taken me over a decade to master the skill of speed-reading
others. Like you, I had severe issues misinterpreting people, creating
barriers, and living in continuous conflict. My own journey led me to
become a life coach and my drive to help others only grew from
there.
My personal and professional experiences as a personal growth,
stress management, and social interaction specialist motivated me to
publish books on topics that drive me. After my book How to Stop
Overthinking became a #1 bestseller on Amazon in both the UK and
the US, I knew I could keep reaching more people and helping them
turn their lives around.
And this is where we are today. No change is easy, but we can make
it easier with simple-to-follow strategies that you can start
implementing right away. Knowledge is power and your knowledge
begins with what it really means to be able to read someone.
CHAPTER ONE: THE ART OF READING
OTHER PEOPLE
I tMermaid,
may be that we take the voice for granted. Just look at the Little
who was so quick to give it up! The ability to speak
requires language skills that we develop in our early years, but what
about the physical side of speech? To utter just one phrase takes
100 muscles in the lips, tongue, jaw, neck, and chest (Morris, 2019).
How we say words provides the listener with an abundance of
information, especially relating to mood and feelings. Even an
introductory “hello” can express pleasure, happiness, boredom,
anger, sadness, aggression, dominance, or sarcasm. Depending on
the tone, you could hear irony or affection. What’s more, with
practice, you will be able to detect the intensity of these emotions.
Going back to baselines, the average conversational voice produces
60 dB (decibels) when three feet apart. Quiet speech sits at around
35 to 40 dB, whereas shouting produces 75 dB. To put that in
context, loud radio music is about 80 dB. If you have no idea what
these numbers are, and this is understandable, there are apps to
which you can play a sound and it will tell you the decibels.
You would think that verbal cues are easy to understand, but this
isn’t always the case.
What Are Verbal Cues?
In conversations, verbal cues are words that indicate the person
expects a response or reaction. This spoken language can be one-
on-one or in a group setting. For example, people know when to
laugh at a joke because the punchline has been delivered. The joke
teller delivers the punchline and expects a response—hopefully, a
laugh!
In the classroom, we see numerous examples of verbal cues. When
educators start a sentence with “Does anybody know…” or “Can
anyone tell me…” it’s because they are expecting (or at least hoping
for) an answer.
There are different types of verbal cues. First off, we have content
cues that provide the listener with a lot of meaning. Next, there are
verbal styles. The four basic styles are passive, aggressive, passive-
aggressive or the all-time prized assertive style. Let’s take a brief
look at these styles:
● Passive: Passive communicators may struggle to express their
feelings, and they avoid conflict. They may act indifferent and
struggle to say no.
● Aggressive: The volume will be louder, and there will be more
criticism and attacking. They will be quick to give commands but not
so quick to listen.
● Passive-aggressive: Passive-aggressive style leads to a sense of
powerlessness and a build-up of resentment. People mutter to
themselves or use body language to communicate. They could
appear to be cooperating but actually doing the opposite.
● Assertive: Communication is open and people are able to express
their wants and needs, and balance this with the wants and needs of
others.
Two other styles that need to be understood in more detail are direct
and indirect verbal cues.
The Beauty of Direct Verbal Cues
Direct verbal cues leave little room for misinterpretation. They are
clear and specific requests and prompts that indicate what the
listener needs to do or how they should respond. Here are some
examples:
● “Open your textbooks to page 97.” - Students know that they are
expected to open their books and prepare for learning.
● “I want you to fold the laundry.” - A family member understands
what their responsibility is.
● “You need to pay the phone bill before 5 p.m. today.” - This clearly
states which bill has to be paid and by when.
● “Always check your messages as soon as you get to your desk.” -
An employee is aware of what is expected of them.
● “When you arrive at the gate, have your passport and boarding
pass ready.” - Holidaymakers know the process and what to do to
board their plane.
These direct statements are easy to understand, assuming the
listener is actively listening. But that’s not to say that they can’t be
influenced by the tone and pitch of voice and the volume. Even
emphasis on certain words implies importance.
Think about the phrase “You need to pay the phone bill before 5
p.m. today..” How would you interpret the sentence when the word
you is stressed? Then, the difference when phone bill or 5 p.m. are
emphasized.
As we work through the chapters, we will understand more about
how our voice can help us to read people. For now, let’s look at the
more subtle indirect verbal cues.
Indirect Verbal Cues and Examples
When people use indirect verbal cues, the expectation is not as
obvious. The phrase may be in the form of a hint or a question.
There could be ambiguity. With indirect cues, the listener is more
responsible for delivering the right response because they have to
sift through the vague message. We’ll start with paying that bill!
● “Are you going to pay the phone bill by 5 p.m?” - The listener
understands that a bill needs to be paid by a certain time but it lacks
clear instruction.
● “You choose a restaurant but make sure it’s not too expensive.” -
People’s opinions of expensive will vary.
● “You have tidied your room, what else were you supposed to do?”
- A child understands they are missing something but they don’t
know what.
● “Be sure to organize the invoices in a logical way.” - Is logical by
date, by customer information, or by payment size?
● “You need to improve your communication skills.” - Considering
the sheer scope of communication skills, the listener would have no
idea where to begin.
Direct verbal cues are always more appreciated. Without the need to
decipher indirect cues, we are able to pay more attention to reading
people. Naturally, you can’t control how other people use verbal
cues, but you can ensure that your messages are as clear as
possible and without room for misinterpretation.
In the next section, we will look at how to use certain words to give
your listener a more accurate understanding of the message.
Emphasis versus Organizational versus Mannerism Cues
In the first place, we can use verbal cues to emphasize something
important is about to be said or that the listener needs to pay more
attention to something coming up. These cues at the beginning of a
phrase draw the listener’s focus to the message:
● You need to know
● You should note
● It’s crucial to understand
● You have to remember
● You should underline
● It’s necessary to think about
● This is key
● Listen carefully
● I will emphasize
● Let me repeat/explain
● I’m going to make this clear
Structuring a message and giving organizational cues enables the
listener to better follow an order or sequence. It’s also a gentle
reminder that there is more of the message to come. Organizational
cues are particularly useful when the reader needs to link ideas or
information within a message. These can include:
● Today’s topic is
● We are going to discuss
● As an introduction
● In the first place
● Second, third, etc.
● Next
● Then
● Our main points are
● Headings we will discuss include
● The result is
● In this order
● In conclusion
● In summary
● Let’s recap/review
As well as actual words, there are ways we can use words that
highlight importance, a need for extra attention, or just to clarify a
message. These are what we call mannerism cues. One of the most
common mannerism cues is when a speaker repeats a word or
phrase for emphasis. Some people will spell words out but in the
wrong context, this could be seen as condescending. A teacher may
spell out the word “listen” to younger students but a chairman doing
the same to a board of directors could cause a different reaction.
As we saw with direct cues, the stress on a word can change the
way a message is received, even if it is just slightly. To stress a word
or part of a sentence, the speaker may slow down on certain words
or speak these words louder.
The same can be said when we change our tone of voice. Imagine
your most hated task, whether that’s doing the dishes or deep
cleaning the office. How do you feel when the message to clean is
monotone? By uttering the message to clean in a higher, upbeat
tone, the speaker is able to create enthusiasm for the listener.
Other mannerism cues may be more subtle. Instead of just giving
someone a list or reading a list, the speaker can pause at the end of
each point, indicating there is time to take notes. People may ask
questions that are not intended to be answered, rhetorical
questions. If someone asks you, “What time do you call this?” they
don’t want you to say, “It’s lunchtime..” The message is that you’re
late.
Other Examples of Verbal Cues
In order to provide more insight into what people are really trying to
say, certain words can really change how a message is perceived.
Take for example the word “another” and these two sentences.
● “I bought a new house.”
● “I bought another house.”
In the first sentence, there is excitement as a person has just
achieved a huge goal. In the second sentence, the speaker wants to
emphasize that this isn’t their first house. They want the listener to
know that they have the financial means to own more than one
house and the word “another” is an intention to boost their image.
Pronouns also give away a lot about the message we want to
portray, so much so that James W. Pennebaker, social psychologist
and language expert, was able to write an entire book on the
subject. In The Secret Life of Pronouns: What Our Words Say About
Us, Pennebaker highlights a study that showed people who use the
pronoun I more frequently come across as warmer and more honest.
Those who use it less frequently appear to be more confident.
Action words can give away snippets of a person’s personality. Using
the words “decided” and “chose” indicates that somebody has taken
the time to consider various options, weighing up the pros and cons
before coming to a conclusion. The statement suggests the person
isn’t impulsive. It sounds too extreme to make that much of a
difference until you compare two sentences.
● “I went for the new Samsung phone.”
● “I decided to go for the new Samsung phone.”
It’s subtle, but the difference is still there.
Then we have word cues that could be more commonly used by
different cultures or depending on familiarity. Hearing the word
“chill” lets us know that we are causing too much tension.
“Seriously,” depending on the tone, could be questioning someone
else’s comments or asking for confirmation.
The final example of word cues comes from the film Notting Hill, as I
love cultural differences when it comes to communication and cues.
As Hugh Grant is trying to climb the gate into the park and slips, he
says, “Whoopsie daisies,” and Julia Roberts starts to tease him. This
very British expression is often used when a mistake has been made,
or more commonly, when a child falls.
You may be wondering why these verbal cues are necessary to
improve your people-reading skills, but it’s all part of the bigger
picture. To successfully read someone, it’s not just about looking at
one part of communication, it’s about piecing it all together and
easing out the discrepancies, especially between verbal and non-
verbal communication.
Let’s recap these verbal cues before moving on.
Direct: Specific phrases to achieve a response or action.
- “Please wash your hands before entering.”
Indirect: Vague phrases that leave the listener trying to decipher
the appropriate response.
- “Why do you want to work for this company?”
Emphasis: Warn the listener that attention is needed.
- “The key thing to remember is…”
Organization: To inform the listener of an order or relationship
between ideas.
- “After covering X, we will move on to Y.”
Word Cues: To provide more clarification, emphasis, or personality
insights.
- To end a conversation. “Well, it’s been great seeing you.”
Use Your Downtime to Identify Verbal Cues
The next time you watch an episode of your favorite series, try to
pay closer attention to verbal cues. Can you now identify them and
what their intended uses are?
After learning about the power of words in discerning what the other
person wants to say, it’s time to pay attention to what speaks louder
than words: social cues. In the next few chapters, you’ll learn how
to spot, pick up, and understand the different types of nonverbal
cues.
CHAPTER FOUR—PART ONE: DIGGING
DEEPER INTO SOCIAL CUES: THE FACE
W eimpressions
know not to judge a book by its cover but our initial
of someone occur so quickly that it’s not easy to
control. Have you ever wondered how long it actually takes to make
certain judgments?
One study, conducted by psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander
Todorov, showed that we make judgments about a person in just
one-tenth of a second. In such a short period of time, participants in
a study were able to accurately label traits of a person from a photo
(Wargo, 2006). The photo was of different people’s faces!
Prior to looking at what parts of the face give away so much detailed
information, it’s important to understand the full scope of nonverbal
communication.
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