THIRD PAGE OF DOOM!THIRD PAGE OF DOOM!THIRD PAGE OF DOOM!THIRD PAGE OF DOOM!THIRD PAGE OF DOOM!
Don’t read this page. It’s full of doom!
Well, you know, Man o’War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an averageof about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when hedied, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI
On Saturday, the Perimeter Institute opened the doors of their new building to the public. In case you missed it, or justdidn’t fucking care enough to go, this article should shed some light on this new headquarters and what is in store for PIover the next 3.14 years.The new building was constructed with only two design principles in mind. The first was to make the structure look asout of place in the neighborhood as a theoretical physicist getting a blowjob he didn’t pay for. There are the SeagramLofts, the old distillery, ye old grist mill and now, the big ugly black thing with a few random windows and a huge fuckinggreen splotch where the architect sneezed on the plans. You will also notice that some of the windows were deliberatelyplaced in order to house snipers. This consideration was part of the second design principle, to make it a modern daycastle in which PI can conduct its world domination schemes. To fully understand this second consideration, we firstneed to look inside.After entering, one does get a slightly eerie feeling that the fully functional wrought iron portcullis above the door is a bitmuch, but we were assured that it was only for decoration and a key part of the “castle” theme. The fact that it waselectrified was just to keep it “modern”. Another feature of the entrance that seemed odd was the huge fucking ironcauldron of oil bubbling away above us as we entered, or the large cannons situated near the windows. The main hall isvery regal; complete with uniformed guards to help protect their IP. Apparently, rival theoretical physics institutes try toraid PI for their juicy, juicy, physics brains.Continuing the tour up the large central staircase (being careful to avoid the tiger pit), we were guided into the torchlitmain research area. Here, in addition to the state of the art computer equipment, cubicles were equipped with large metalshackles, certainly to ensure that physicists don’t get any strange ideas about “escape”. We also noted that thesecubicles are arranged in circles, which we were told was for efficiency. “This way” our guide explained, “our motivators[read: guys with big fucking whips] can reach four physicists at once, whenever they fail to be theoretically creative, thusincreasing their productivity dramatically”.If this whipping isn’t incentive enough, then the dungeons in the basement should be. Downstairs, in addition to serverand electrical rooms, the PI is home to the largest fucking torture chamber that we’ve seen since that party with all theleather. Here, underproducing physicists are subjected to numerous medieval tortures including a whole wall of racks, anIron Maiden (complete with 80’s hair metal soundtrack), the “Machine”, and a computer lab filled with nothing butNewtons. The blood curdling screams from the dungeons can be heard throughout the building and we were assuredthat they were not just for atmosphere.The final stop on the tour was the “fortress of solitude”, which is where Mike “the King” Lazaridis surveys his domain.While most executives’ offices are adorned with useless shit like plasmaglobes and fucking inspirational posters, the inner sanctum of “his evilness”was decorated with the skulls of his enemies. Sitting behind a desk upholstered with the flesh of physicists who failed to meet the cut,Lazaridis mused about how he always “wanted to be a theoreticalphysicist, but decided that being a multi-millionaire would have to do.”
Hethen ordered another professor, who had the audacity to suggest thatHawking Radiation did indeed smell like maple syrup, tortured for ouramusement. When asked about his plans for world domination, we wereescorted out of the building with a warning that the pikes for decapitatedheads were being installed tomorrow.So basically, whether the PI produces world class physics research is upfor debate (and Melvin the TortureMaster), but what isn’t up to debate isthat theoretical physicists do indeed scream like little girls when you riptheir toenails out with pliers.The PI plans to hire its first co-op student next term.