Welcome to Scribd. Sign in or start your free trial to enjoy unlimited e-books, audiobooks & documents.Find out more
Standard view
Full view
of .
Look up keyword
Like this
0 of .
Results for:
No results containing your search query
P. 1
noods4 1

noods4 1

|Views: 28|Likes:
Published by Enginoods Editors

More info:

Published by: Enginoods Editors on Apr 16, 2007
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


Read on Scribd mobile: iPhone, iPad and Android.
download as PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
See more
See less





“We ain’t affilliated withnobody”
“That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Bring her to me. Take her clothes off and bring her to me.”
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, nutbags and pedophiles...We’re looking for a more permenant server, if you know of one, Many FREE HATS for you!
We’re back, as if any of you careWe’re back, as if any of you careWe’re back, as if any of you careWe’re back, as if any of you careWe’re back, as if any of you care
Back because no one demanded it and we felt like starting this shit up again.It was just over a year ago that what appeared to be the last issue of the Noods hit the world like asledgehammer crushing a baby seal’s skull. Why did we stop there? Why did we leave our rabidcult following hanging from their fingernails over the precipice of boredom screaming “why haveyou motherfuckers forsaken me?” Simple, we got lazy.Yeah, as easy as we make this shit seem, we were spending way too much fucking time on thisrag, so we decided to take a short hiatus from the Noods. Well, it lasted a little longer than wethought, but we’re back and stronger and drunker than ever. So what the fuck can you expectfrom this incarnation of the Noods? Two words:
 steaktastic fuckery
. What the fuck does thatmean? We have no clue, so just assume it’ll be more of the same shit that we had before.You’ll probably also notice that there aren’t as many copies of the Noods floating around onpaper as before. The main reason for this is that we still don’t have a fucking budget, and don’treally feel like financing this shit by ourselves. There is hope though, since our website is back andbetter than ever! Not only can you access a PDF of each painstakingly crafted, homemade issueof the Noods since our Frosh Week Spectaculaaaaar, but you can talk about them (and anythingelse you fucking feel like) in the brand spankin’ new Noods forum! So what the fuck are youwaiting for? Get thee to a fucking computer and go to:
Fuck ya later!The Noods
Volume 4, Issue 1
See Inside:“Enginoods Boycot NHLuntil lockout is over!”
We’re not going to watch one singlegame.
“I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?”
Would you like a Screaming Viking?
POETS Bottle Drive: Check the wall in POETS ya fucking moron.
POETS Etiquette for Dum FroshPOETS Etiquette for Dum FroshPOETS Etiquette for Dum FroshPOETS Etiquette for Dum FroshPOETS Etiquette for Dum Frosh
Let’s be clear - when I say etiquette, I don’t mean lacy pink doily girly Shit. That’s for lacy pink doily girls. I mean “lifelessons that will prevent serious fucking bodily harm.” How do you know if you’re a dum frosh? If you asked the question,you are indeed a dum fucking frosh. If you’re in first year, you are a dum frosh (there’s just no avoiding it). If you’re insecond year, you may still be a dum frosh (it’s more of a state of mind than a strict chronology). Basically, it’s a catch-allphrase the sums up “the state of being whereby you will annoy fourth year students who are smarter, wiser (not the samething), better looking, and better endowed than you are.” Who are these mythical beings (henceforth referred to as“Enforcers”)? Here are some identifying signs: they are probably in fourth year (or higher), they know the bartenders byname, the bartenders know them by both name and beer, they read the Noods, they know and accept that things are not asgood as they were “back in the day”. Note to any Enforcers: It’s your fucking duty to enforce these rules. A good start wouldbe to post these rules so that dum frosh will see them. I recommend stapling a copy to every frosh that walks through thedoor; you may prefer nails but it’s really a personal preference. Secondly, never yell at dum frosh without swearing profuselyat them (at this point, it’s really all they understand). Thirdly, the acts of duct-taping to walls, zip-tying to chairs, dying purple,sacrificing to dark lords, etc. are all appropriate responses to minor infractions of these rules. Major infractions may requiremore severe methods of “persuasion.” Enough fucking preamble, on to the rules:1. You require permission to speak: The only thing worse than noise is pointless noise. Dum frosh are only capable of producing pointless noise. Listening would be much better.2. You require permission to speak: Thought I’d mention it again in case it didn’t penetrate the “no-fly zone” that existsbetween your ears.3. The bar is for upper-years: Non-negotiable. It’s where upper-years sit so they don’t have to be near your dumb ass.Respect that or else ... you have been warned.4. Be polite to Bar Services: These people bring you beer. Treat them as gods incarnate.5. Drink some motherfucking beer! When Bar Services has to stretch to sell two fucking cases of beer on a Friday toEngineers, there’s a huge fucking problem. If you aren’t drinking, then you are a drain on society. If a bartender doesn’tmeet their quota, they get thrown into the viper pit for an hour-can you live with that on your conscience? Only ask forbeer: if any dum frosh ever asks for a “Mike’s Hard Lemonade”, I’m coming to their house to set things right. End of discussion.6. Tipping is mandatory: The price of beer isn’t the price of beer. You must provide a reasonable tip. If you don’t have enoughto tip, you don’t have enough for a beer and should go thirsty.7. Movies are for watching: No matter how funny or inciteful you think you are, the movies are always better. Don’t talk andwatch the movie. See also rules 1 and 2.8. Wash your hands after using the washroom: This one isn’t particular to POETS but I thought it’s just generally solid advice.Besides, your hands will soon be holding a beer. RESPECT THE BEER.9. If a barstool is leaning against the bar, don’t fucking sit on it. This means someone has gone to take a piss, or to get somefood, get a blowjob, and will be back shortly. They will likely be bigger, or meaner, than you, and will be very fucking pissedoff that some fuckwad stole their seat.10. Clean your fucking shit up! Your mother doesn’t live here; she only comes by once a week to suck my cock. Those bigfucking garbage cans at the front are there for more than just stuffing dumb fucking frosh into when they can’t follow therules. If you’re an enviro frosh, it’s your fucking responsibility to clean up after your brethern (you get course credit forit).11. Don’t be a pain in the ass: everyone is in POETS to relax and unwind. Stay out of the fucking way and it will go a longway.That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Follow these rules and soon you won’t be a dumb frosh anymore. And if these don’t help... well ... have you considered transfering to Women’s Studies?
 Don’t read this page. It’s full of doom!
Well, you know, Man o’War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an averageof about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when hedied, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
 A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI A Friendly Tour of the PI
On Saturday, the Perimeter Institute opened the doors of their new building to the public. In case you missed it, or justdidn’t fucking care enough to go, this article should shed some light on this new headquarters and what is in store for PIover the next 3.14 years.The new building was constructed with only two design principles in mind. The first was to make the structure look asout of place in the neighborhood as a theoretical physicist getting a blowjob he didn’t pay for. There are the SeagramLofts, the old distillery, ye old grist mill and now, the big ugly black thing with a few random windows and a huge fuckinggreen splotch where the architect sneezed on the plans. You will also notice that some of the windows were deliberatelyplaced in order to house snipers. This consideration was part of the second design principle, to make it a modern daycastle in which PI can conduct its world domination schemes. To fully understand this second consideration, we firstneed to look inside.After entering, one does get a slightly eerie feeling that the fully functional wrought iron portcullis above the door is a bitmuch, but we were assured that it was only for decoration and a key part of the “castle” theme. The fact that it waselectrified was just to keep it “modern”. Another feature of the entrance that seemed odd was the huge fucking ironcauldron of oil bubbling away above us as we entered, or the large cannons situated near the windows. The main hall isvery regal; complete with uniformed guards to help protect their IP. Apparently, rival theoretical physics institutes try toraid PI for their juicy, juicy, physics brains.Continuing the tour up the large central staircase (being careful to avoid the tiger pit), we were guided into the torchlitmain research area. Here, in addition to the state of the art computer equipment, cubicles were equipped with large metalshackles, certainly to ensure that physicists don’t get any strange ideas about “escape”. We also noted that thesecubicles are arranged in circles, which we were told was for efficiency. “This way” our guide explained, “our motivators[read: guys with big fucking whips] can reach four physicists at once, whenever they fail to be theoretically creative, thusincreasing their productivity dramatically”.If this whipping isn’t incentive enough, then the dungeons in the basement should be. Downstairs, in addition to serverand electrical rooms, the PI is home to the largest fucking torture chamber that we’ve seen since that party with all theleather. Here, underproducing physicists are subjected to numerous medieval tortures including a whole wall of racks, anIron Maiden (complete with 80’s hair metal soundtrack), the “Machine”, and a computer lab filled with nothing butNewtons. The blood curdling screams from the dungeons can be heard throughout the building and we were assuredthat they were not just for atmosphere.The final stop on the tour was the “fortress of solitude”, which is where Mike “the King” Lazaridis surveys his domain.While most executives’ offices are adorned with useless shit like plasmaglobes and fucking inspirational posters, the inner sanctum of “his evilness”was decorated with the skulls of his enemies. Sitting behind a desk upholstered with the flesh of physicists who failed to meet the cut,Lazaridis mused about how he always “wanted to be a theoreticalphysicist, but decided that being a multi-millionaire would have to do.”
Hethen ordered another professor, who had the audacity to suggest thatHawking Radiation did indeed smell like maple syrup, tortured for ouramusement. When asked about his plans for world domination, we wereescorted out of the building with a warning that the pikes for decapitatedheads were being installed tomorrow.So basically, whether the PI produces world class physics research is upfor debate (and Melvin the TortureMaster), but what isn’t up to debate isthat theoretical physicists do indeed scream like little girls when you riptheir toenails out with pliers.The PI plans to hire its first co-op student next term.

You're Reading a Free Preview

/*********** DO NOT ALTER ANYTHING BELOW THIS LINE ! ************/ var s_code=s.t();if(s_code)document.write(s_code)//-->