ENGINOODS

THE

“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

Top 10 Reasons to Impeach Leanne/Clegg
1) More funding for the perverted arts (for example, why is the noods beer budget ZERO!).
If we don’t get any money soon, we’re going to write this sober, and trust me, you don’t
want that.
2) Any Engsoc Prez should be able to pee standing up. (Chicks included… it’s a tradition!)
3) POETS porn night… engage.
4) Leanne’s porn career does not have enough bestiality/girl on girl in it. We checked. Clegg
has no porn career, this is a good thing. Point for Clegg.
5) The prez should weigh more than the tool.
6) The prez should have a tool.
7) The prez is a tool. (-1 Clegg)
8) Voted against the Bavarian Purity Act of 1516.
9) Leanne refused to have sex with the Noods staff. Clegg offered to have sex with the
Noods staff.
10) Because they’re corrupt and won’t cut us in for a piece of the action.

Random Beer
Quotations
You can’t be a real country unless you have a
beer and an airline. It helps if you have some
kind of a football team, or some nuclear weap-
ons, but at the very least you need a beer.
— Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you’d do

drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth
shut.
— Ernest Hemingway

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol

has taken out of me.
— Winston Churchill

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you.

 DUMB SHIT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW, BUT WE DO
Part 1 of too fucking many to count
How to Hide a Dead Body
Step1: Commit your murder. This is actually a completely separate guide, so for our purposes we’re going to assume
that you actually have a corpse. We are also going to assume that your corpse is still more or less intact, since large,
visible wounds may complicate things.

Step 2: Wash your hands: Cause corpses is dirty.

Step 3: Remove corpse’s heart, and incenerate. This should prevent any evil-dead like complications, and will make
you feel like that big bad ass bad guy in Indianna Jones. Note that the use of instruments is recommended, since it’s
really hard to drive your bare hands through some guy’s chest (trust us, we’ve tried).

Step 4: Wash hands again (hey, you just ripped some guy’s heart out).

Step 5: Now comes the hard part. You see, corpses tend to be a little conspicuous, and you can’t just leave them lying
around on your couch. Here are some of our Noods-approved suggestions:

Underground:
The classic “dig a hole and throw em in” routine, this is the standby for good reason. 7 feet deep is a minium. In extra
marshy areas, a little deeper to keep from having your friend float to the surface. Remember to make it below the frost
line as well, or you might be in for a surprise in the spring. With recent booms in development however, your handi-
work stands a decent chance of being discovered if you choose the wrong place to do some diggin’.

In plain sight:
Paint a clown face on him, slap on a red wig and leave him in front of McDonalds. In this location, the rotting smell
should go unnoticed for several months. We like this one, plus, clowns are funny.

Total body disposal

Sometimes, even the most diligent of body-hidings are still not enough. When you really have to make a body disap-
pear without a trace, we recommend one of the following:
-Feed them to pigs: Hey, we saw this in a movie, and we all know that if it’s in a movie, it must be true.
-Two words: meat grinder. After that, two more words: taco bell.
-Wood Chipper: This sort of worked in a movie, plus it makes a big mess (and has spinning sharp things)
-Slow-dipping acid bath: Yeah, the overhead is big on this one, but we like the sizzle.
-Dinner party: Boss coming for dinner and all you have in the fridge is half a leftover pizza?

Step 6: Removing evidence:

To make sure that your “friend” can’t be identified in the unlikely event that you fuck up, make sure to remove any
identifying marks. If you didn’t read this far before hiding your body, then you deserve to get caught dumbass!
Jewellery, tattoos, fingerprints and teeth should be removed, and disposed of accordingly. Limbs can be taken off with
a standard circular saw, and teeth can be taken out with a hammer and a pair of pliers. Painkillers are not necessary, as
the patient will already be dead, however laughing gas for you will make this arduous task far more bearable.

Step 7: Make dinner-cause hey-you’ve

had a hard day.

Step 8: Oh shit! Wash hands before

step 7.

“Self improvement is masturbation”

 IT DAMMIT!
SUBM
SHIT THAT TAKES UP LOTS OF SPACE
A Noods Haiku
Internet porno
Download to my monitor
I type one handed

I write random shit

This is harder than it looks
I want some pancakes

I need more free beer

Engsoc’s a bunch of cheep
fucks
Want my 14 back

I bent my wookiee
My cat’s breath smells like cat
food
We’re a totem pole

Masturbation is self improvement.

INSANE RABMLINGS OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE TOO
DANGEROUS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM.
Dear Gigantic Pussies,

I was particularly offended by lastissue, with its inflammatory statements and

subpar writing (especially *expletive in-fucking-serted*’s bits). The most offensive
bit was absolutely, without a doubt; the claim that James Cameron became a pussy
the day that Titanic opened. This is simply not true. He became a pussy the day
that we woke up in the middle of the night saying “You know, Leo, a love story,
and a big ship in the same movie might not suck.”

Fuck you all,

Dragcock

Dear Dragcock (what kind of fucking gaytarded name is that?)

It’s true that Mr. Cameron’s vaginitis may indeed have predated the opening of
that colossal piece of monkey shit, however the fact remains that up until its
release Mr. Cameron had the power to ensure that it never saw the light of day.
After it’s release though, there was no going back. In short, we’re right, you’re
wrong: fuck you.

Dear infidels,

9/11 - What really happened in Ten Easy Pieces

1. “You guys suck, I don’t like you.” -Osama
2. Insert Plane A into Building B.
3. “We gonna bombardmentalize da bad guys back to the Stone Age.” -W
4. “We’re not using this for political gain.” -every american politician, particularly the republicans.
5. “Yoink.” -the sound of Attourney General John Ashcroft making off with the American Bill of Rights.
6. “Duh, we did our jobs right, so we walk on water now.” -Every god damned cop and firefighter in NY, whether they did anything or not.
7. “Wah, wah, wah. We didn’t deserve that.” -the sound of every other american moaning and weeping.
8. “Gee, great idea, that’s super.” -Tony Blair’s response to everything W. has had to say.
9. “Americans are stupid whiners. Hey, I like complaining.” -the Canadian response (especially me)
10. “We should work together more often.” -GOD speaking to Satan

Cordially,
Stan Darsh

Dear Mr. Darsh,

Staaannnn Daaaarsh. You think you
PBD TOTALS: Dan?
can write a letter eh? You word-monkey!
Let’s settle this on the mountain.

Noods Limerick contest

Send us your best dirty limerick using this first line
There once was a man named Dave Clegg,

Submit limericks to: noods02@hotmail.com

Win P**5 points and a free hat!

WERE YOU OFFENDED?

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

noods02@hotmail.com
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.

NyQuill NyQuill Nyqil, we love you, you giant fucking Q