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Revision Matrix

Text from initial Comment received: Changes made: How this change
WP: impacts my paper:
1. WP1: Associate My housemate Katie Associate Professor Because the
Professor at the Wolf: This sentence at the Lincoln introduction for the
Lincoln Memorial is very long and hard Memorial University author is rather
University Duncan to follow. Consider Duncan School of lengthy, splitting the
School of Law, splitting into two Law, Shelly George, sentence into two
Shelly George, sentences. however, reached an helps to make reading
however, asserts in alternate conclusion easier. There is less
his article “The in his article “The information to digest
Strong Arm of the Strong Arm of the all at once, and I am
Law is Weak: How Law is Weak: How able to include both
the Trafficking the Trafficking the introduction and
Victims Protection Victims Protection the authors purpose
Act Fails to Assist Act Fails to Assist in a more efficient,
Effectively Victims Effectively Victims reader-friendly way.
of the Sex Trade,” the of the Sex Trade”. He
lack-luster efforts attributes the issue of
attempted by the sex trafficking to
United States lack-luster efforts by
government to tackle the United States
the issue of sex government in
trafficking, and how efficiently tackling
these efforts may be the issue, and
improved. addresses how these
efforts may be
improved.1
2. WP1: While Professor: Thesis is While discussing the This change serves to
discussing the same detailed but the same subject, these make the argument of
subject, these articles argument isn’t articles vastly differ. my thesis more clear.
vastly differ in exactly clear. By analyzing each I do this by explicitly
structure, discourse, research article side stating how I will
and evidence by side, readers are compare the two
illuminated to articles and show
differences in how this impacts the
structure, discourse, conventions each
and evidence, author employs. I
highlighting how also add how the
authors strategies difference in
reveal the conventions is due to
conventions of the discourse
corresponding communities, a factor
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discourse community. I discussed within my

paper but failed to
include in my thesis.
3. WP1: Katie Wolf: Split into Respectively, the Instead of fitting two
Respectively, the two sentences, no psychology article separate subjects in
psychology article need for this to be so begins with a brief one sentence, I split
begins with a brief long. introduction, giving them up so one
introduction, Professor: Footnotes statistics and sentence discussed
warming the reader follows the end of the information about sex the structure at the
up with statistics and sentence after the trafficking in India. It beginning of the
information about sex punctuation. then quickly devolves article and the next
trafficking in India, into the research sentence explains
which then quickly question at hand, how there is a shifts
devolves into the specific objectives of into the rest of the
research question at the article, and the article. This allows
hand, specific methods employed.2 for better flow. I also
objectives of the fixed my citation so
article, and the that the footnotes are
methods employedi. formatted properly.
WP1: In contrast to Professor: but what is In contrast to the Here I described
the psychology the tone? psychology article, exactly what the tone
article, the law article the law article uses a is, being more
uses a robust tone robust tone that specific in how the
that fluctuates fluctuates from tone shifts throughout
throughout the highly emotional to the article. This is
article, giving purely factual clarifying for readers
variance in the throughout the and gives them an
elocution of the article, giving idea of what the rest
argument presented. variance in the of the paragraph will
elocution of the entail.
argument presented.
4. WP1: Such My own edits: be Such strategies are This edit is simple yet
strategies are more specific. What exhibited in the law effective. Instead of
exhibited in this is ‘this’ discourse discourse community, assuming the
discourse community, community. where reasoning audience knows what
where reasoning through speculation ‘this’ refers to, I
through speculation and examination clarify by saying ‘law
and examination forge future discourse
forge future appraisals of fairness community’.
appraisals of fairness and equity.
and equity.
5. WP1: Whether Katie Wolf: This Whether change is I read this sentence
change is by sentence is hard to achieved by out loud to make this
implementing and understand and implementing and change. I then added
tweaking new laws, awkward. Consider tweaking new laws, ‘achieve’ to qualify
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or providing more rephrasing the or providing more how change would

holistic care to those beginning. holistic care to those occur.
who have been who have been
directly impacted, directly impacted,
both authors agree both authors agree
that sex trafficking is that sex trafficking is
a pervasive issue a pervasive issue
plaguing the plaguing the
basement of global basement of global
society. society.
6. WP1: Conversely, My own edits: The Conversely, the law The main edit I made
the law article wording here is article employs here was exchanging
employs evidence awkward. Since this evidence unrelated to the long-winded
through much is a topic sentence, gathering data and phrase ‘through much
different strategies make sure it is as qualitative reasoning.different’ with
than gathering data concise and clear as ‘unrelated’. I felt this
and qualitative possible. was a more concise
reasoning. way to say the same
thing. It flows better
and sounds more
formal.
7. WP1: While the Katie Wolf: Perhaps The law article At first I was resistant
psychology article is move this to the speaks to readers to take Katie’s
hardened by the earlier paragraph? directly, with little advice, but after
scientific method in Why are you talking breaks in paragraphs. adopting a different
explaining findings, about the psychology perspective, I realized
the law article speaks article? I thought this she had a point.
to readers directly, paragraph was about There was no need
with little breaks in the law article? for me to bring in the
paragraphs. psychology article, it
only took away from
the structure of the
law article I was
trying to emphasize.
So I omitted the
beginning of the
sentence and
reformatted to ensure
flow. While the
edited sentence is
shorter in length, I
feel it moves my
argument in the
direction I wish it to
go.
1. WP2: Likewise, My own edits with Likewise, the purpose The first part of this
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the purpose contributions from of both writing pieces edit is in regard to

surrounding the my housemate is to inform readers. wording. I felt the
subject also remains Gabrielle Courtney: current wording was
constant: to inform. This sentence is too confusing and
wordy. Also, could it jumbled. By
fit in better replacing the former
somewhere else? wording, I made the
edited sentence more
concise and specific.
I also decided to
move this sentence to
the beginning of the
paragraph rather than
the middle/end. This
was because I felt it
necessary to provide
the reader with key
information as soon
as I could. This way,
the sentence fits in
better in the
paragraph and is
much easier for the
reader to understand.
2. WP2: The My own edits: This The standards making This change served to
standards that make could be made into up the psychology make my writing
up this discourse one sentence. How discourse community more succinct. I
community are can I be more concise are imperative to the combined the two
imperative to the while also conventions of the sentences to preserve
conventions of the maintaining flow? article, and are space, and also made
article itself. primarily seen in the an assertion to give
Structure and structure and direction within the
audience are two of audience. paper. Additionally, I
the biggest factors made a paragraph
influenced. break at the end of
this sentence to
separate ideas and
move into discussing
structure and
audience.
3. WP2: Any My own edits: Read Any speculation The change here is
speculation as to who out loud. Does this about audience is rather simple. I
the author is speaking flow? Why not? resolved in this claim, replaced ‘as to who’
to is resolved in this as well as supporting with ‘about’.
claim, as well as pivotal ideas within Although it seems
supporting pivotal the discipline. elementary, this
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ideas within the change is effective in

discipline. making the sentence
more specific and
clear. When read out
loud, the reader does
not stumble.
4. WP2: By looking Gabrielle Courtney: Looking at other blog I made changes in
at three other blog Use active voice. posts as examples this sentence to move
posts as examples, I Consider enabled me to from passive voice to
was able to reconstructing the synthesize universal active voice. I also
synthesize universal sentence. conventions of the decided to start the
conventions of the genre. sentence with a verb,
genre. so my purpose was
stated directly. Last, I
made changes in the
mechanics of my
writing so the
sentence flowed
better.
5. WP2-blog: In My own edits with In India, a patriarchy In order to preserve
India, men are valued contributions from runs rampant, flow, I moved the
more than women, my boyfriend Noah constructing a society first part of the
constructing a society Sharp: I had to read where men are valued sentence to the end
based on gender this sentence a couple more than women. and rewrote how I
inequality. times. Maybe rewrite, began the sentence. I
it sounds funny? felt this was the best
decision because it
clarified my claim
and was easier to
understand.
6. WP2-blog: I leave My own edits: This I leave you with this: I decided to change
you with this: listen sentence is more listen and educate the overall structure
before you make a confusing than it is yourself before you of this sentence along
judgment, and impactful, taking make a judgment. If with adding another
educate before you away from my you try stepping into sentence for impact.
make a statement. intention. I am also their shoes, you will This made my
not sure you used realize survivors are assertion more direct
‘educate’ correctly? not as different as our and more clear, so the
pre- conceptions may reader understands
suggest. my call to action
while also creating a
visual in their minds.
7. WP2-blog: Most of My own edits: I feel Most people are The changes I made
us are familiar with like this could be familiar with the term in this sentence are
the term ‘sex worded better. ‘sex trafficking.’ mostly mechanical. I
trafficking.’ However, like many decided to use
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However, like many harrowing social ‘people’ instead of

harrowing social issues of today, little ‘us’ to be more
issues of today, there education surrounds general, and took out
is often little this household term. unnecessary words in
education the sentence so it
surrounding this would flow better.
household term.
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