Text from my initial WP submission (Note A comment or The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote: How this change

which WP): question I impacts my paper:

received (from
whom/where?):

(WP1) “While thesis is Edited my thesis: Adjusting my thesis to

specific as to be more specific and
While both authors discuss issues involving what the paper Despite the similarity in the topics of both articles, each much less vague gives
racism, using language, technique, and tones will discuss, not author varies in the subjectivity of their argument, the reader a clearer
specific to their discipline, they each quite sure what methods of persuasion, accessibility of their language, picture of my argument
communicate a different, intentional argument to the argument is” and forms of evidence to reach the common goal of their and strengthens my
the reader. discourse community. paper as a whole.
From professor
Bocchino’s
comments

(WP1) Professor Shortened the quote: Removing such a long

Bocchino quote improves the
“Consonant with the PAR model, juvenile racism commented on “Consonant with the PAR model, juvenile racism has a flow of the writing and
has a direct effect on inflammation (β = .167) the incorrect direct effect on inflammation (β = .167)... A test of this may increase the
after taking into account the various controls, format of the indirect effect using bootstrapping with 1,000 replications reader’s engagement
adult racism, and the interaction of juvenile and block quote but I did not approach statistical significance.” with the writing. I
adult racism. Contrary to both the CS and SG personally felt illustrated my point by
models, adult racism is not significantly related to that such a long including a small part of
inflammation once the other variables are taken quote detracted it and removed the
into account. Further, contrary to the SG model, from the flow of unnecessary parts of it.
there is no evidence that juvenile racism has an the paper and
indirect effect on inflammation through its impact made it less
on adult racism. A test of this indirect effect using interesting to
bootstrapping with 1,000 replications did not read.
approach statistical significance.”

(WP1) 5th Paragraph “this paragraph I split the original paragraph into smaller paragraphs that Breaking up this
is like 2-pages each had a specific topic- this paragraph’s main focus paragraph into smaller,
In addition to a vastly different structure, each long and became evidence: more distinct
author presents specific evidence to add discusses paragraphs makes the
substance to their point of view. Because multiple things – See 3rd paragraph paper much easier to
psychology and government/black studies are evidence, read. In my original
two completely different fields of research, it diction, tone” Furthermore, because psychology and version, I mixed too
wouldn’t make sense for a psychologist to defend government/black studies are two completely different many writing
his scientific study using the rulings of court From fields of research, it wouldn’t make sense for a conventions and it
cases and examples from history, nor would it Professor’s psychologist to defend his scientific study using the became confusing. By
make sense for a historian to support his comments rulings of court cases and examples from history, nor dividing them into
research with an experiment involving health and would it make sense for a historian to support... paragraphs with
brain sciences... specific topics, the
argument becomes
more clear.

(WP1) Spelling errors Government Spelling errors

Specialties minimize my credibility
Goverment From as a writer which can
Specilities Professor’s detract from my
comments message as a whole.
They can make a writer
seem lazy because
they are very quick
fixes.

(WP1) Personal choice I removed the random comment from the evidence By creating a new
paragraph and made it into its own paragraph where I paragraph for this idea
In contrast to Simon’s research, Coleman’s When rereading expanded upon the idea: and expanding upon it,
language is more comprehensible due to his my paper, I felt my writing became
familiar, straight-forward word choice, as well as that this small When comparing both forms of evidence, one may more clear and the
his direct, moral tone that emphasizes right from comment placed conclude that Coleman’s argument, built upon difference between the
wrong and facing the facts, while simultaneously in a paragraph reasoning, examples from history, and simple inclusiveness of each
speaking with passion. that talked about demographics is much more comprehensive than discourse community
evidence was a Simon’s argument, built upon psychological studies became more obvious.
little confusing using technical methods and incredibly detailed data. When this comment
and vague. The difference in accessibility clearly illustrates how both was randomly thrown in
discourse communities vary in their inclusiveness, the evidence
values, and mechanics. Furthermore, concrete evidence, paragraph, it seemed
void of opinion and subjective points of view, is of great out of context and
importance to psychologists, whereas logical arguments, didn’t add much value
supported by circumstances throughout history and to the writing.
statistics, is of great importance to historians.
(WP1) Personal choice Added quote: I added this quote to
back up the idea that
His direct, moral tone emphasizes right from I felt like my “We cannot have a nation composed mostly of have- Coleman’s writing is a
wrong while simultaneously speaking with description of nots and expect our democracy to thrive. Diversity alone, little more emotional
passion, in hopes of uniting society to work his tone wasn’t while a worthy endeavor, cannot by itself avert the crisis and powerful in the way
together and bring about a change. backed with any just ahead. The USA needs substantive equality and we that he speaks with a
(No quote) significant need it quickly.” sense of urgency and
examples. refers to the country
using “we”. This added
piece of evidence
makes my argument
more substantial.

(WP1) Personal Choice I edited/rewrote the paragraph where I explained how I think this revision
each author differs in the goal of the writing: allowed my point to be
For example, Simons is most concerned with I felt like the more clear by making it
studies regarding the impact of discrimination on original Simon’s objective is to make an argument regarding the less specific. The
health of African Americans; furthermore, he is paragraph was effects of discrimination on the health of people of color original version was
investigating how emotional experiences play a too specific and that will appeal to professionals in his respective field- very detailed and
role in one’s physiological state. On the other wordy. psychology. Coleman’s focus is communicating a touched on both the
hand, Coleman’s focal point is on the failure of potential cause of inequality within our legal system that author’s argument and
the federal government in ensuring justice and will appeal to professionals in his respective field- black the way they presented
equality for African Americans within post- studies. Although, it is not necessarily the specific their evidence which
secondary education and employment. While argument itself that distinguishes discipline from seemed a little
Simon is objectively examining various studies discipline, but the intentional choice of evidence and the confusing. Instead, I
and noting the implications, limitations, and way in which it is presented. chose to be concise
details of each one, Coleman is directly asserting and simply illustrate
his position through argumentation. each author’s most
basic intentions. I also
think adding the last
sentence introduces
the rest of the paper
nicely by letting the
reader know the
argument itself does
not play a huge role in
explaining the
discipline.
(WP2) “where’s the Added to my introduction: Incorporating a more
intro? feels like thorough introduction
Compared to a short story, the intentions and we’ve dived right Compared to that of a short story, the intended audience and structured thesis
strategies employed by academic scholars of the into the body of of an academic article is selectively exclusive due to the improves my paper by
black studies genre are vastly different. the paper” tailored mechanics, precise language, detailed preparing the reader for
conventions, and relevant evidence of the writing. This the argument and
From specificity of information limits the audience to a group of making the purpose
Professor’s like minded individuals with a specific understanding of more clear. I think it
comments the topic, common values, and a sort of status- what we also just makes the
would call a discourse community. Comparatively, the writing more connected
intended audience of a short story is much more broad as a whole from start to
and inviting due to the simplistic nature of the writing that finish.
requires a limited amount of pre-existing knowledge on
its topic.

(WP2) “we’re told Added to the story: I expanded upon my

Anthony, short story to illustrate
N/A Dennis, and As a black man who grew up with three sisters, he felt the way in which
Carol became her pain and desire to fit in. He too once wondered what Anthony positively
close but we’re it would be like to be white like all of his favorite impacted the lives of
not shown how superheroes. Anthony explained to Carol the importance his peers. This addition
their relationship of teaching her daughter to embrace her uniqueness by makes it more
developed” educating her on all the powerful black figures they don’t enjoyable to read and
talk about in school. He gave her books by Maya the message feels less
From Angelou, poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist. He forced.
professor’s gave her CDs by Billie Holiday and Nina Simone, jazz
comments and swing singer-songwriters. He took her to
Washington D.C. to tour his old stomping grounds,
Howard University, a historically black college.

(WP2) Personal choice Added evidence: Including this example

from my original source
N/A I felt like I could For example, he describes the provisions of the Civil helps “show” the
use more Rights Act of 1964, “if a business is found to discriminate convention I described,
evidence from against people in violation of the act, a court may order rather than “telling”. I
the original affirmative action,” and what that entails, “reinstatement also think it improves
source to or hiring of employees, with or without back pay (payable the credibility of the
demonstrate the by the employer, employment agency, or labor argument because the
 conventions I organization, whoever may be responsible for the reader can actually see
described. unlawful employment practice), or any other equitable a point in which the
relief as the court may deem appropriate.” author uses the
Constitution to support
his point.

(WP2) “did any of the Added reference: Referencing Boyd

other readings illustrates some of the
N/A help you?” In doing so, he appeals to emotion, which according to ideas I learned in this
Boyd, “doesn’t alter the facts per se, but it provides a class while
From less than neutral lens, a bias.” demonstrating the
Professor’s purpose of an appeal to
comments emotion.

(WP2) Personal choice I chose to reorganize my ideas, specifically those This way of organizing
describing the different conventions of my translated my ideas is much more
Compared to a short story, the intentions and I felt like my short story into more distinct paragraphs. I introduced clear and easy to
strategies employed by academic scholars of the paragraphs each one in order- “firstly”, “secondly”, “thirdly”: understand. Since each
black studies genre are vastly different. In his were too long convention has its own
article, “Strategic equality and the failure of and I described See paragraphs 3, 4, & 5 space with specific
affirmative action law,” black studies professional, things like examples with more
Major G. Coleman, argues that the court’s current evidence and paragraph breaks, the
use of affirmative action is of no benefit to the tone in the same writing flows better and
black community using evidence from historical paragraph which is easier to read.
foundations, moral reasoning, interpretation, and made it
statistics. Due to the candid nature of the black confusing.
studies research community, Coleman
specifically emphasizes the misinterpretation of
affirmative action in the federal system
throughout history. In doing so, he appeals to
credibility by avoiding extreme claims and
instead, reasons right from wrong using common
moral principles. The author’s undeviating, tone
captives the reader by making his purpose clear.
Had he been more emotional, his argument
would’ve weakened significantly. Had he been
more scientific and technical, his reasoning
would’ve failed to connect with his claim.
Furthermore, areas of historical research,
specifically black studies, are characterized by
physical evidence in the form of actual
circumstances in society and moral reasoning.

(WP2) Personal choice Reworded sentence: Incorporating an

alliteration adds
Disappointment, worry, and frustration consumed Overcome with disappointment, distress, and defeat, another element of a
him as he wondered how he would get by without Anthony worried how he would get by without work figurative language and
work therefore makes it
more obvious it is a
fictional short story. In
addition, varying
sentence structure
makes the writing more
interesting to read.

(WP2) Personal choice Added to my conclusion: By touching more on

Ultimately, to effectively translate from one genre
to another, one must break down the original
piece into its most basic form to understand the
author’s primary intentions. While preserving the
purpose, the shift occurs by incorporating writing
conventions that are specific to the desired
audience. As one adjusts their tone, structure,
delivery, evidence, and word choice when
communicating with a friend, colleague, child,
teacher or enemy, similarly, authors make
intentional choices to best interact with their
discourse community.
the drawbacks and
As individuals communicate differently with friends or benefits to each genre,
strangers, colleagues or students, and parents or I answer the prompt
children, similarly, authors make similar choices more effectively and
regarding, “the type of language used, the formality of the paper comes to a
the discourse, the medium or delivery of the rhetoric, close in a more
and even the types of reasons used the make the complete, less rushed
rhetor’s argument,” to best interact with their discourse manner. The added
community. While Coleman’s argumentative piece reference also
provides legitimate evidence to demonstrate the causes increases credibility
of racial inequality in our country, the translated dramatic and demonstrates what
short story encapsulates a similar message without the I have learned in the
appeal to credibility but instead with an element of ease course.
and simplicity. Each has a time and a place as well as
unique advantages and flaws. While the informative
writing does a better job of presenting specific
complexities of issue and fundamental evidence, the
short story can connect with nearly any individual of any
occupation and of most ages, with a reflective tone
rather than a direct, harsher one.
(WP2) Personal Rewrote paragraph: I noticed the original
choice paragraph sounded
Lastly, the pleasurable nature of dramatic stories Lastly, short stories can be discerned by the way they sort of repetitive and
can be attributed to the author’s ability to subtly convey a message without literally stating it. Because unclear. When I
convey a message in a way that convinces the the reader can interpret the purpose from their own rewrote this paragraph,
reader they came about that realization on their perspective without feeling compelled to agree with the I tried to get to the point
own. In other words, the author of a drama can author, fictional stories are usually more enjoyable to and remove extra
initiate personal reflection and complex thought read than academic articles.Unlike science or history, words that didn’t
processes by portraying a character's choices in there is little to no reliance on factual information and necessarily improve the
a story. Unlike science or history, there is little to therefore minimal use of scholarly diction. Instead, point I was trying to
no reliance on factual information and therefore authors of short stories depend on fictional characters make. In doing so, I
minimal use of scholarly diction. Instead, the and a plot to encourage self reflection from the think my writing is more
author of a story allows the reader to absorb the audience. Unlike the argumentative tone utilized by interesting to read
unbiased material of the tale and interpret the Coleman and most scholars, short stories rely on subtle because it feels more
purpose from their own perspective. Meanwhile, universal lessons, which is why I chose to remove the like a conversation
the reader doesn’t feel like they are being forced evidence and persuasiveness, and instead incorporate rather than an essay.
to agree with the author’s beliefs. Unlike the an illustration that represents the unacknowledged
argumentative tone utilized by Major G. Coleman discrimination taking place.
and most scholars, short stories rely on subtle
universal messages, which is why I chose to
remove most of the evidence and persuasion,
and instead incorporate an illustration that
represents the unacknowledged racism taking
place.