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foreign

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yes it's the second year of 2023.

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and today we're going to discuss love

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no one can Define love list of all me of

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course

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it is elusive

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no dictionary captures it no poem

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encapsulates it there's no way we can

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truly communicate it we use the word

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love as a shorthand for

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something something ephemeral something

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ethereal something that infuses up us

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with a sense of life

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we feel alive when we love love life

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they share a few letters in common
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and so I will not attempt to Define love

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but I will definitely tell you what love

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is not

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because we know a lot about what

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masquerades is love what passes is love

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what disguises itself is love all the

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manifestations of interpersonal

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relationships that are mislabeled and

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mistaken as love

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and this is today's topic my name is

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sambachnin and the author of malignant

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self law

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narcissism Revisited I'm also a

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professor of psychology in Seahawks

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Center for international Advanced

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professional studies and the outreach

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program of the Cs Consortium of

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universities before you watch this video

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you may vote You may wish to watch

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another one

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toxic sex When Love is bad for you it's

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on my channel the link is in the

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description description

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so I can't help you with what love is

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if I could I would win all the Nobel

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prizes combined

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I can't help you with this no one can

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actually love is a highly individual

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experience I Pro a private language an

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idiosyncratic state of emoting

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state of mind kind of mood

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we have severe difficulty

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telling apart love from limerence from

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infatuation from attraction we don't

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know enough there's a biochemical

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background to all of these which

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resembles addiction very much and

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operates in the same centers of the

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brain

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but today is not about neuroscience and

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other pseudosciences today is about love

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what

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love is not

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loving someone
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is not the same

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is loving the way that he or she loves

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you

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let me repeat this because I adore the

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sound of my voice

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loving someone

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is not the same

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is loving the way that he loves you

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maybe you like the way that he idealizes

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you worship you worships you

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puts you on a pedestal

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says no wrong in you

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cast you is the most most intelligent

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most beautiful ever you have changed his

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life he has never experienced something
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like this before you're Incorporated in

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a shared fantasy you learn to love

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yourself through his gaze when I say is

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it could be her of course I'm using a

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male pronoun for convenience sake it

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applies to both genders so

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when you love someone

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because of the way he makes you feel

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about yourself

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because of the way he loves you

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that's not love

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that is self-inflatuation

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in the best case it's self-love it's

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somewhat auto-erotic it's a lot

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narcissistic

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loving someone is also not the same

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as loving to be in love

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people love to be in love

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they feel alive only when they are in

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love

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when there's no love in the air

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their lives

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a drab

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ugly

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dragging pedestrian mundane you see how

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many words I know did I impress you

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let's proceed

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yes loving someone is not the same

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is wanting always to be in a state of

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love

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you may be addicted to love you may be

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addicted to this all-infusing feeling of

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arousal of potency

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of flowering

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but then your partner

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is coincidental

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your partner is not really important

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it is the emotion that matters you're

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invested in being in love you're

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committed to this feeling

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and so that's not love

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loving someone is also not the same

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as merging with your partner fusing with

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him becoming one with him dependent on
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him in every way

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love is not about any of these things

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it's never about self-sacrifice it's

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never about self-negation it's never

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about being engulfed and disappearing

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into someone it's never about external

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regulation that's why borderlines are

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getting it wrong that's not love

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that's not love that is selfish

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codependence and borderlines control

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from the bottom

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the emotionally blackmailed the partner

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through their ostentatious and

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ostensible love but that's not love

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you don't love someone because you can
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merge with them you don't love someone

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because you can disappear into them you

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don't love someone because they can

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regulate your moods to tell you about

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reality control your cognitions and

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emotions

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provide you with a rock-like stability

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you don't love someone because of what

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they can give to you

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you don't love someone because of what

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you can take from them

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you love someone for who they are

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regardless of the net profit and the

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bottom line

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loving someone is also not the same

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is hating loneliness or being desperate

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not the same

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desperation is a bad advisor

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loneliness is a state of mind

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using other people

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to self-soothe and self-comfort and feel

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less lonely

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and be less desperate is just this using

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people

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objectifying them exploiting them for

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your own needs

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self-medicating with people is not love

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promiscuity

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emotional or physical

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is not love it has nothing to do with

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love

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loving someone

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never involves fantasy or idealization

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it is always grounded in reality

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you see your partner this is the Supreme

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primordial

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foundational Act of love

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seeing your partner allowing the partner

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to be a separate entity with all its

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gifts and all its potentials

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self-actualized

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your partner is another person it's not

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a figment of your imagination he is not

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a creature in some fantastic space or
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paracosm he is not ideal

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he's human words in all and all he is

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not an object

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loving someone is also not about

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assuming a parental role not about

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providing unconditional love

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ing someone is a give and take with

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boundaries with compromises with

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negotiations loving

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is the stuff of life and life is never a

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clear-cut

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it's never split between good and bad

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wrong and right black and white hot and

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cold this is dysfunctional pathological

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thinking
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love is the art of the fuzzy

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love is the art of working together

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towards common goals sharing common

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values on a common path

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towards debt

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realization

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of being in each other's life

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for good

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and to do good