Hello, Mommy and Daddy. There are things I cannot express vocally.

This is my state of
having mental breakdowns without anyone knowing. I am having a hard time sleeping and
learning the lessons at school. Every night I fell asleep without knowing what was happening to
me. One of my teachers gives me trauma causing me to have mental breakdowns, I cried at night
when everyone is sleeping and cried during the day when no one is looking. I always cry and the
voices inside my head are now audible, I’ve been hiding and ignoring this thing ever since, and
now it’s coming back. I wanted to tell you how I feel about my academic performance, I do not
want to go to school when I am not yet healed from the trauma that causes me to be less active, I
am pressured at everything. I know I needed to study hard to get a scholarship because we are
not rich to support my studies in college. I am trying my best to get high grades and not fail you
every single day. I know you see me as someone lazy, doing nothing at the house, but believe
me, I always work when no one is looking, I don’t want to explain myself or elaborate on what I
did because I have no energy to defend my own. I have no energy to explain everything I just
smile or nod to hide all those words I really wanted to express. I just cried silently and starting to
create fake scenarios in my head. Sometimes I wished I didn’t exist at all, sometimes I wished
how unlucky I am, how useless I am. This past few days I suffered with some symptoms of
depression but I wasn’t sure because I didn’t go to a psychiatrist. I just search it on google. I
failed a quiz, 4/20 score on my Filipino subject really got me so stress the whole week up until
now. I really wanted to rants and tell you that my teacher didn’t gave me special quiz without
any reason. I was begging for it, but she said I should take the quiz without having a proper
review and not attending discussion because of election during SLG campaign but she gave other
students who joined the campaign a special quiz that really affect me mentally. After that I was
busy with our research, and that same teacher make the whole group be embarrased in class
group chat, and that cause me another trauma and increased my anxiety. Remember those days I
told you that I had a panick attack during online class and even during class recitations? That day
when someone criticize the number of my shots in the group chats in one of the organizations I
joined? How those people treating me like I am just some kind of accessories in that group? My
confidence really left my body after that. I always try my best to be their for other people,
especially my friends but somehow they are not their when I needed them. I am pressured, what
if I didn’t get a high grades you expected? What if I didn’t pass the scholarship examination?
What if I failed my own? Will you still be proud of me without those medals? Even though you
never showed and make me feels that I deserve it and you’re proud of me. I really hate this
country, I really pity our situations right now. I am not just stressed in my academic but also in
our life. I hope you should understand me more than I do because I can not even understand my
own. I always received critisms and numb all the pain, my days are bleeding, pressured to fail,
academic validation. Many of you will tell me that I am over reacting, I am just being too
sensitive, that this is all just inside my head but no, you’re wrong. You have no idea how people
actions affect me, I’m just trying to be strong and wear a mask every single day that God made. I
am sorry for resting for a while, for having nap on the afternoon, for forgetting to do the house
chores. I am just tired at everything mentally and physically. I see myself as a failure, dumb,
worthless, irreponsible, and I should have never been exist. You have no idea how painful it is,
how painful to be alone in a battle that I lost already, to stand in this ground. Everything around
me set their standards so high, give me break. Because I have no one who got me when I have
nothing.