Unit 1 Lesson 8

Leave the “Ghosting” to

Halloween!
Building Effective Communication Skills

Have you “ghosted” someone

or been “ghosted” by
someone? Student Name:
How did it make you feel? _____________________________

Directions: Students respond to

questions 1-6
__________________________

1. What is “Ghosting”? Provide your own definition below.

Suddenly turning off communication and stopping contact without explanation

2. List at least three reasons people “ghost” other people.

Lack of interest, scared to have a certain conversation, moved on to someone new.

3. How do you think it feels to be “ghosted”?

it would feel confusing as you would lose contact without explanation leaving you
concerned and questioning why.

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Building Effective Communication Skills

4. How do you think it feels to be the “ghoster”?

I would feel bad but relieved as I dont have to talk to that person anymore.

5. What is empathy?

being able to understand others' feelings and emotions

6. The Negative Communication Pathway of Ghosting: Why is Ghosting

Unhealthy for Everyone?

it breaks friendships and connections between people, leaving them alone.

Directions: Students read #7 ______________________________________________

7. What is effective communication?

Effective Communication includes the words that we choose to use in our daily lives.

“I” statements versus “You” statements

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Most of the messages we send to people are “you” messages. These messages may make
others feel defensive, make them feel guilty, make them feel their needs are not
important, and may make them resist change.

Here are some examples of “you” statements:

“Stop doing that!” (Ordering, bossing others around)

“You’re acting like a baby.” (Blaming, name-calling, belittling)
“You should….” (Giving your idea of the solution, not compromising)

An “I” statement, on the other hand, allows a person who feels impacted by the behavior
of another, to express the impact it has on her and, at the same time, leave the
responsibility for modifying the behavior with the person who demonstrated that
particular behavior.

An “I” message consists of three parts:

1) the specific behavior
2) the resulting feeling you experienced because of the behavior and
3) the effect of the behavior on you
Therefore, “I” statements build trust between people and, in turn, build their
relationship.
A commonly used communication model is below:

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Leave the “Ghosting” to

Halloween!
Building Effective Communication Skills
When you (insert their behavior), then (insert the results of their behavior), and I feel
(use word that best describes how you feel).

For example, "I feel ignored when you don't look at me while I'm talking." This is much
easier for someone to hear than "You're ignoring me."

Directions: Students read #8 and respond to prompts ___________________________

8. Tips for Effective Communication

● Remain factual when expressing what you are upset about or do not like.

- When approaching someone about a behavior you’d like to see changed, stick
to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels
or words that convey judgments.

- For example, Your friend, who habitually runs late, has shown up 20 minutes
late for a lunch date again.

◊ Inappropriate (aggressive) response: "You’re so rude! You’re always

late."

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Building Effective Communication Skills

◊ Write an assertive response: When you are late, I feel disrespected

- Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you
think they’re negative. In this situation, don't assume that your friend
deliberately arrived late because they didn't want to come or because they
value their own time more than yours.
-
● Avoid judgment and exaggeration.

- Being factual about what you don't like in someone's behavior, without
overdramatizing or judging, is an important start. The same is true for
describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just
describe.

◊ Inappropriate response: “Now lunch is ruined.”

◊ Write an assertive response: Because you were late, we have less time
to eat lunch

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Building Effective Communication Skills
- Body language and tone of voice matter in assertive communication. Let
yours reflect your confidence: Stand up straight, maintain eye contact, and
relax. Use a firm but pleasant tone.

● Use “I” messages.

- When you start a sentence with “You...”, it comes off as a judgment or

an attack and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I,” the focus is
more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior.
Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame. This helps
minimize defensiveness in the other person, model the act of taking
responsibility, and move you both toward positive change.
- For example: You Message: “You need to stop that!”

◊ I Message: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

◊ Write an “I” message: I would like to go on future dates if you promise

not to be late.

● Identify and Use Feeling Words.

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- Specifically, and clearly identifying feelings is also important in

communication. Review the feeling words list below to learn about more
feelings than the typical happy, mad, or sad.

Frightened Ashamed Angry Sad

afraid embarrassed annoyed abandoned hopeless

anxious guilty disgusted alone inadequate
apprehensive humiliated enraged defective incompetent
full of dread insulted frustrated dejected inferior
edgy invalidated grouchy depressed insecure
horrified regretful filled with hate despairing isolated
nervous remorseful hostile disappointed lonely
overwhelmed shamed irritated discouraged neglected
panicked jealous empty rejected
scared mad filled with grief unhappy
tense helpless worthless
outraged
resentful

Directions: Students read #9 and respond to prompts_________________________

9. Put It All Together.

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● Put it all together to complete several factual statements that are direct yet non-
attacking and tell people their behavior is affecting you.
● Brainstorm 10 things that someone else is doing that is affecting you that you
would like to address (could be with a friend, family member, significant other,
relative, coach, etc.).

1 Friend pulls out of plan 6 distracting me when I'm working

2 Coming late to a gathering 7 expecting immediate response from
friends and family
3 blaming me wrongfully 8 Teachers that print every single
worksheet on paper
4 getting involved in unnecessary 9 Friends ignore rules
conversations
5 pulling me into things that will get me in 10 friends leave other out in games and
trouble activities

● For each of the 10 things chosen, put it all together by using the feeling words
above to find the right word to best describe how their behavior is making you feel.
● Then complete the highlighted portion to write a statement for each.
● Type this into each of the rows and complete for all.
● When you (insert their behavior), then (insert the results of their behavior), and I
feel (use word that best describes how you feel).
● Use the table provided below to complete/fill in your responses.

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1 when you pull out of a plan, it makes me 6
feel disrespected
2 When you show up late, I feel 7 It feels ruse when you distract me when
disrespected I'm working
3 I would appreciate it if you would stop 8 it feels needy when you expect me to
blaming me wrongfully respond instantly
4 I would like it if you would top-butting 9 I feel disrespected when you break the
into unnecessary conversations rules
5 I feel accused when you pull me into your 10 It feels rude to leave out others in your
troublesome schemes. activities.
Directions: Students read #10 and #11 ________________________________________
10. Steer Clear: Communication Patterns to Avoid

● Ghosting

● Avoiding conflict

● Being defensive

● Overgeneralizing

● Being Right

● Psychoanalyzing or mind-reading

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Building Effective Communication Skills

● Interrupting

● Blaming

● Trying to Win

● Making Character Attacks

● “Icing” Someone Out

11. Factors that Defuse a Situation, Disagreement or Argument

A calm environment, where most people feel comfortable, and where people are treated
with respect, is therefore less likely to generate a volatile situation, disagreement, or
argument. It is also much harder to become overly angry and negatively aggressive if
everyone around you is behaving calmly and respectfully towards each other and you.

Non-verbal behaviors that can help to defuse anger and potential negative aggression
include:

● Being aware of your own body language and showing a non-threatening, open
stance.

● Keeping good eye contact but ensuring this does not appear confrontational.

● Moving slowly and steadily. Try to keep your physical movements calm.

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Building Effective Communication Skills
● Respecting the other person’s personal space.

Verbal behaviors that will help to encourage assertive responses include:

● Listening to what the other person has to say and accepting, recognizing, and
emphasizing positive aspects of what is being said—without minimizing the
negatives.

● Showing respect through polite formalities but aiming to work towards familiarity.

● Showing understanding and empathy with the person by reflecting, clarifying, and
summarizing their thoughts and feelings.

● Avoiding any expression of power, for example "You must calm down".

- We know from learning neuroscience in this course that a person can’t just
be told to calm down and then that will actually make the person calm
down. The person that is upset has to administer calming strategies to work
past the feeling and begin to return the body to a calmer state (e.g., walk
away, take a walk, leave the situation, take deep breaths, etc.)

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Building Effective Communication Skills

Directions: Students read #12 and follow directions provided for the activity _______

12. LEAVE THE GHOSTING TO HALLOWEEN!

Student Instructions:

● For this next part, you will partner with someone sitting near you in class (or
someone your classroom teacher has assigned).

● You will each provide a situation where ghosting may have been used. You will
provide an alternative to ghosting using your communication skills. You will take

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turns reading and discussing each other’s scenario and responses using the
communication skills learned today.

Remember…no ghosting allowed!

1. Select one of the following actions to use as practice:

o stop communication
o address a behavior or words that were hurtful
o address something that was found out

2. Next, write a scenario/situation that would require the action chosen above.

I learned that Aryan insulted me behind my back yesterday. I'm never talking to him
again, I feel disrespected and hurt that he said this. Not being able to say it to my face.

Response: Instead of ghosting me, try calmly talking to me in person to find out what's
bothering you. it can usually be talked out and resolved with words and there is no need
to break friendships over small arguments. I apologize for saying that to you being your
back and will work towards being nicer.

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Building Effective Communication Skills

3. Once complete, exchange it with a partner in class.

4. Review your partner’s scenario/situation and provide a response using the

communication skills learned today.

5. Once both partners are finished responding, discuss together the scenarios and
responses.

6. Critique each other’s responses.

Did your partner do the following?

● Treat others how they would like to be treated. yes

● Did they use “I” messages versus “You” messages? yes

● Did they identify and use feeling words to describe their emotion(s)? yes

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Building Effective Communication Skills

● Did they provide a clear and direct statement with a reason (stated kindly and
constructively)? yes
● (If applicable) Did they provide closure to the end of the relationship or response
to a situation? yes

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