1 pt: Housekeeping

Erase all personal information on your essay. Paste a screenshot of the top of your 1st page as
proof:

Make sure you’ve included the word count and the Works Cited Page.

X Place an “X” here to acknowledge you know you will receive a 10% deduction for not
including either item.

1 pt
Change all contractions to full words. Place a screenshot of at least one before and after
change you’ve made

Before:

After:
5 pts Writing Expression
Catalog five writing expression improvements, grammar or otherwise, you’ve made by pasting
before and after screenshots and completing the rationale section on the right.
Before Screenshot
"Consequently, the
bandwagon effect occurs as
the visualization of communal
happiness draws more
African Americans toward the
consumption of McDonald’s.
Thus resulting in a greater
number of African American
consumerism as they follow
others within their
community.”
“As interactions occurred,
African American stereotypes
targeted their language”
“However, white Americans
still discerned the text as they
looked to remove their gaze
from the African American
representation. Thus noticing
the stereotypes present
within the advertisement,
giving them a greater power
which kept their business.”
“However, it presented a false
sense of security since only
11% of cops were African
Americans in major cities like
Detroit.”
“ McDonald’s advertisements
of the time associated the
campaign with the portrayal
of African Americans in
advertisements like seen in
After Screenshot
“Consequently, the
bandwagon effect occurs as
the visualization of communal
happiness draws more
African Americans toward the
consumption of McDonald’s,
resulting in greater African
American consumerism as
they follow others within their
community.”
“​​Therefore, as interactions
occurred, African American
stereotypes targeted their
language.”
“However, Caucasians
discerned the text as a way to
appeal to society; the
stereotypes presented within
the advertisement gave
Caucasians greater power as
they knew the true purpose
behind the advertisements.”
“However, this presented a
false sense of security since
in major cities like Detroit only
11% of cops were African
American.”
“As seen in Figure 3, the “Get
Down” campaign was
associated with the
representation of African
Americans in McDonald's
Rationale for change
Sentence fragment appears
in the 2nd sentence where I
used “Thus” to open my
sentence. This makes it
incomplete so, I combined it
with the sentence above
using a non-finite ing phrases
The sentence didn’t flow well
after the previous sentence
so, I added a transition
phrase to make it easier to
understand.
The second sentence is a
sentence fragment due to the
thus at the beginning of the
sentence, so I combined it
with the sentence above. I
also changed the wording of
white Americans to
Caucasians, making the
antecedents clearer.
Reworded the sentence to
make African Americans a
description instead of the
noun.
I changed the sentence
structure to make the senece
flow better and easier to
understand.
 Figure 3.” advertisements.”

3 pts Holistic Essay Improvement

Paste all comments in Turnitin on the WHOLE essay (written in bullet-pt form):
- No word ct
- Mult references to the text, analytical in nature, but topic is overly broad
- Narrowing will allow for deeper analysis
- Ideas are adq cohesive, but can be more so
- Language use is often adq accurate, but too many errors are apparent in this draft
- stylistic focus, but also awkward phrasing in topic
- unclear phrasing
- proper noun
- w.c. accuracy
- you need to spell this crucial word correctly
- style
- briefly explain the text bf making pt
- antecedent unclear
- style
- sent fragment

Explain in your own words how specifically you will improve your essay.
Reading over my essay, I noticed that there are a lot of unclear moments where my writing
can be hard to discern what I was trying to say. My first step is to correct all those mistakes,
making it easier for the reader to understand my explanation and analysis of McDonald’s ads.
Afterwards, I look to add more to my analysis so I can go deeper into understanding the
purpose behind the ads. Then after, narrowing down the analysis I’ll go back and fix all the
grammar mistakes, before reading over one finally time to make sure I like my final draft.

3 pts 2 pts 1 pts

Specific steps are chronicled
that get at the essence of the
editor’s comments and
represent a clear, new,
positive direction for the
essay.
General steps are listed that
represent an internalization of
the editor’s comments and
may result in a qualitative
improvement of the essay.
Steps are included that are
largely a restatement of the
editor’s comments; a clear
plan for changing the
character of the essay has
not been articulated.