Approach Anxiety: 1 Simple

Mindset Flip to Talk to More Girls

By Chase Amante

You
won't
always
be
super
active
with

approaching new women.

You'll go through stretches where you're focused on work or other
things. You might only approach opportunistically, to girls who show
a lot of interest. Or you might break off approaching entirely for a
time.

After you take a little time away like this, after a while when you want
to get back to approaching, the rust comes back... and you have to
deal with approach anxiety all over again.

When you're not in the habit approaching a lot, especially when

you're not in the habit of making uninvited approaches (where the
girl hasn't signaled you to open), there's anxiety.

What am I going to say to her? you'll ask yourself.

I'm not warmed up, I don't feel confident using one of my

regular openers.

I'm not sure what I'll say to her AFTER the opener.

She's not in an easy place to get to, if she isn't into me it's
going to be awkward to move away from there.

You might go out intending to chat up women, and end up chatting

to no one.

Yet, there's something you may have once known... something you
forget when you don't approach as actively.

And as soon as you remember it, you can be fine.

You start approaching again in earnest, shake the approach anxiety

off, and have no trouble meeting girl after girl.

That one thing you can remember (or learn, if you hadn't previously
known it) -- the one great trick you can use to get yourself
approaching after a hiatus from it -- is the difference between
creating attraction and finding attraction.

Approach Anxiety: The Fear You Might Fail

If we could distill all the thoughts and feelings a man experiences
when he experiences approach anxiety, what would we distill it to?

I don't know what to do to get this girl.

That's the essence of it.

If you knew exactly what to do to get her, and knew with 100%
certainty you would, you wouldn't have a lick of anxiety about it.

You'd just walk right up to her, and get to laughing and flirting and
connecting, and you'd touch her. You'd move her around. Take her
contact info. Invite her home, perhaps.

But, you aren't sure EXACTLY what to do to get her.

Because you aren't sure, you fear you might mess up.

So, you freeze up.

When it hits, every approach feels like a tightrope walk without a
net.

Anxiety hits.

You do not approach.

And there she goes, another gorgeous girl, walking away. You'll
never see her again.

That sucks.

Nothing you can do about that, right? You just need to get enough
experience or enough information that the anxiety goes away, you
might think.

But it never goes away. Not by pure experience or information, at

least.

That's because, no matter how experienced you are with women, no

matter how much you know about what to do with women, what to
say, how to talk to them, you can't get 100% certainty.
You won't even hit 90% certainty.

Not even 80%.

When you walk up to a woman you do not know, you don't know
what'll happen.

No matter how good you get.

The reception you'll get is randomly distributed. Some women

are going to like you, and other women aren't. Some things you'll do
will work with a given girl, and not work with another girl.

You'll have five girls reject you, and the very next girl (just as pretty
as those first five) be completely into you and ready to go anywhere
you want within a few minutes of meeting you.

And that's the kernel of the mindset switch you'll use to turn off
approach anxiety when you're getting back into things:

Look at your thoughts, and realize "Hey wait a minute. I'm trying to
figure out how to make this approach go perfectly... and it's freaking
me out. I can't control all those variables. I have no idea how this girl
will react!"

And then, remember (or realize) something you perhaps knew in the
past, but forgot when you got out of approaching so actively: it
doesn't matter exactly what you say.

What matters is IF she is into you... or if she isn't.

Trying to Create Attraction Messes You Up

Every guy gets into learning game to learn how to create attraction.
He wants to mesmerize women. He wants that girl he likes to like
him back.

He wants to never have to worry about being rejected,

embarrassed, or disappointed again.

And of course, learning game (as well as how to attract women)

makes an enormous difference.

The better your fundamentals get, the more attractive women find
you, and the warmer the receptions they give you when you walk
up.

And the better your game becomes, the more easily you guide the
women interested in you along the path to meets, dates, and
intimacy.

But no matter how good at game you get, no matter how tight
your fundamentals become, you will never mesmerize every
woman; not every girl you like will like you back; and women will
still reject you.

And so long as your pre-approach focus is "How do I attract this

girl?" you'll suffer approach anxiety.
How should you approach this girl? Don't spend too much time
analyzing it. Just go talk to her, and get yourself approaching.

This is the 'create attraction' mindset: guys get hung up trying to

figure out how to create attraction with women they do not know,
whom they haven't yet met.

Yet you will meet all kinds of women.

And those women will continually surprise you.

You will meet quiet, reserved girls and pugnacious, feisty ones. Each
girl might like you as much as the other, but requires a different
approach to game. Will you know what these girls need before you
walk up and talk to them?

No. You have no idea.

Sometimes the girl who looks quiet and shy turns out to be a rough,
independent-minded loner chick who needs a rebellious-type man.
Sometimes the girl who looks wild and punk-like actually is tired of
punk guys, and if you go in like another punk guy she'll blow you
out.

You won't figure that out until you're talking to her and it is a
dialogue, and she shows you who she is and what she likes, what
she responds to and what she doesn't.

You cannot know this before you approach her.

So, you have to set that aside.

You have to quit figuring out how you are going to create attraction
in this woman you have not met.

Trust your fundamentals. And trust your game.

If you have specific game-related goals to work on, work on those.

You should always have a few missions you take out with you. If
you're rusty, it'll be starting to do things you used to do but forget to
do now (like "Oh yeah, I've got move girls!" "Wow, that girl really
liked me, but she had to run and I just let her go. Why didn't I grab
her contact info? Note to self, get contact info, don't just go for
SNLs"). If you're new, it'll be doing things you want to learn for the
first time ("Today, I'll try screening with three new women"
"Tonight, I'm going to chase frame at least two girls").

But your focus must not be on trying to create this attraction

BEFORE you meet the girl.

It should be on finding attraction, instead.

Shrink Approach Anxiety by Finding

Attraction
If you're a really hard-up beginner, and your fundamentals are bad,
and you never get women who are into you, you might not be able to
realistically do this yet.

Take some time to upgrade your fundamentals, practice your basic

social skills (see this article: "How to Get Started When You're
Socially Hopeless"), and get yourself to a basic level of
competence with women and dating.

You should also check out our other resources on approach anxiety.
My first article on it is geared toward guys with zero experience
approaching women:

Overcoming Approach Anxiety

We have many other GREAT articles on the topic, too:

How to Demolish Approach Anxiety Forever: Colt Williams's

article on knowing yourself, accepting yourself, preparing
yourself for failure, and not letting it anticipation of it consume
you.

How to Develop Approach Addiction (and Destroy

Approach Anxiety Forever): Hector Castillo's article on how to
flip approach anxiety from a fear to an addiction (to meeting
new women).

Conquer Approach Anxiety with The Approach Game:

Varoon Rajah's fun way to make a game out of chatting up new
girls.

How to Deal with Approach Anxiety – A Practical Guide:

Alek Rolstad's guide to logistical, health, and mindset
considerations that help easy approach anxiety.
 Curb Your Approach Anxiety by Flipping the Script: Cody
Lyans's piece on understanding female psychology on the
approach to change how you think about approaching.

Check all those articles out for other tools and angles you can use
to mitigate approach anxiety.

Different guys work in different ways, so if my stuff doesn't resonate

with you, you might find one of the other guys' approaches will.

However -- if you have some experience approaching women...

IF you have had the experience of, at least sometimes, talking to a

bunch of new women, and discovering that one out of five or ten or
fifteen of the women you talk to LIKES you... you can use this
method.

And it is very good.

It is good because it is simple, and because it will gel with your own
lived experience.

The method is to take two seconds to look inward at your thoughts,

and realize your thought process is "I have to create attraction with
this girl. I have to do things right and make her like me. I have to be
on-point on my approach. I have to not screw up."

Which of course there's no way to ensure you will do.

So of course you are nervous!

Now, when you catch yourself thinking and feeling this way, you are
going to tell yourself something else:

“It doesn't matter what happens with this girl and I have ZERO
 CONTROL over it. The only thing that matters is that I start
talking to women, so I can get warmed up, and get myself going
around meeting the available women, to find out if one of them
likes me.”

You are no longer creating attraction.

You're looking for it.

It is out there, in the wilderness.

Hiding under a rock (or a pretty dress).

The only way you can FIND it is by LOOKING for it.

You have to get in there and find out if it's there.

You have to go and talk to girls.

The first girl probably won't be into you. That's okay. She's like
putting your foot on a stepping stone across a pond. She's stone #1.

She didn't bite, but you feel a little better now that you've made that
first step.

Then you see another girl who looks good to talk to. So you
approach her. She doesn't bite either. No big deal. Another step
made across the pond.

You approach another girl. No interest. Another step.

You know you're cool. Your fundamentals are good. You're warming
up and feeling more comfortable talking to women. Even if you
haven't sucked any of these girls in, the fear and freezing up has
fallen away.

Finally, you approach a girl, and this one bites.

She digs you.

A minute of conversation, and she's firmly hooked in. You're across

the pond.

You arm's wrapped around her, she's pressing her body into you as
she talks, she laughs at your jokes, she qualifies herself when you
screen, she complies when you ask for it.

And all those girls who weren't feeling it for you earlier don't matter.

They were the stepping stones, to this girl right here.

And if it doesn't work out with her, it's okay. Maybe you take her
contact info and figure you'll try to meet her later.

Then you take another step toward another island in the pond. And,
if one step doesn't get you there, you take another.
Maybe you meet another girl you can set a date up with.

Maybe you meet a girl you can take back home.

By the end, you realize you started off nervous, tired, even a little
under the weather maybe, not wanting to go out but making
yourself go anyway... yet now you've had a great outing.

You might have a girl on your arm as you leave the street or venue
you were at.

You might have a few girls' contact info in your phone.

You might not have any tangible gains, but you shook off rust and
had fun chatting up cute girls, and you've remembered a few things
you forgot and will do better next time. Or you tried out something
new you wanted to try and feel more confident now doing it.

This is the great, awesome benefit of finding attraction.

It takes all the pressure off.

The only thing you have to do is talk.

Make This Mental Switch

If you successfully make this mental switch, you will immediately
feel the difference.

It is like switching from depressed to optimistic.

It's just a completely different mode of thinking. All the possibilities

open up before you.

If it's hard for you to make this switch, here are a few thoughts to
give yourself, one of which might hit home for you:
 "I have ZERO control over how a woman reacts to me. The only
way to find a girl who likes what I have on offer is to meet
enough women I run into her."

"I don't really have any REAL ability to create attraction. Not in
the moment, right on approach. I look how I look, I sound how I
sound, I know how to do what I know how to do. Now I need to
put myself in front of enough women to find one who likes what
I have built up already. Once I find her, then I can run my game."

"I have no idea what a woman wants before I talk to her. So I am

just going to have to meet these girls and see if they're
receptive to me. If so, then I can see what they want, get them
into me, get them chasing, and have fun."

... or, figure out your own path there. You know what realization you
need to have; you just need to figure out what thought, memory, or
perspective works for you to make that mental transition.

And remember:

This doesn't mean you are not using game. You're still using all your
verbal techniques, your ability to touch, your grasp of logistics, and
all the rest.

However, that stuff comes AFTER you find a woman who is

receptive to you.
When you find the girl who's receptive to you, then it's off to the
races.

If she isn't receptive, you can stand there all day next to her pelting
her with your best stuff and you won't get anywhere.

She needs to be into you, or at the very least compliant.

If she isn't either (or both) of those things, you should probably
keep moving.

Sometimes you can plow through it with a girl who's neither

interested nor compliant at the outset. I've done it; most guys who
go out enough have done it. But it's a lot of work, the odds aren't
high, and most of the women you end up with won't come this way.

Usually, you will need to look for women who are into you, or
compliant, or both.

And there is no way to know whether she is those things until

you've approached her.

So: don't catch yourself up theorizing how to create attraction in her

before you've approached.

Unless you're going to be building social proof or preselection

first, there's not much you are going to be able to do before you're
talking to her to influence how she feels about you.

You might be able to build up her interest in you more once you're in
a conversation with her.

But you won't do that from afar. You can pose there and look pretty,
you can try to cook up the perfect opener, and wait for the perfect
moment to meet her, but that stuff doesn't matter more than 10-
15% to her first impression of you, and she'll have forgotten it all
within 30 seconds into the conversation.

So -- don't let approach anxiety stop you from meeting girls!

Remind yourself not to worry about trying to create attraction before

the approach.

Do have good fundamentals, which make you more attractive.

That's good.

And once you're with her, do use good game, to enchant her and
move things along with her.

But when you're there, in the moment, when you're hovering on

the edge of approaching, and feeling that trepidation build up
inside you, struggling to will yourself to the approach...

Just remember.
It's not about creating attraction.

There's little you can do to DO that before the approach.

It is largely out of your hands.

What you must do is talk to enough girls that you can find the girl
who is attracted to you.

So stop dawdling around.

Go talk to a girl. And if it doesn't work with her, talk to another.

After a few girls, with any luck, you'll find yourself with a girl who
clearly likes talking to you, and clearly is attracted to you.

There might be more such girls, wherever you are, too. At least now
you've found one of them!

And there's where the real fun starts. Now you get to use what you
know how to do, and see what you can pull off with this girl.

You are able to do that now, because you found the attracted girl,
rather than squandered your day or night trying to brainstorm how
to create attraction -- something you can't do from afar anyway.

The moment you started looking for it, though (instead of sitting
around trying to create it), you set yourself free to approach girls
and locate it.

Happy approaching,

Chase Amante

About the Author: Chase Amante

 About the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of

being alone. So, he set to work and read
every book he could find, studied every
teacher he could meet, and talked to every
girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After
four years, scads of lays, and many great
girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this
website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one
single program in his One Date System.

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