ENGINOODS

THE

“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

THE NOODS WEDDING

SPECTACUL AR! Full of steaktastic beery fucking goodness

Application for an Engineering Marriage Licence:

Name: ____________________ Gender: Male (You are in engineering)

Discipline: Yes Please... I’ve been a bad boy. No, please don’t hurt me mommy.
Term: 1st Trimester 2nd Trimester 3rd Trimester

‘Iron Ring’ Size: Small Tiny Miniscule Microscopic Comp

Cultural Background: (Circle one):

Chinese Arab East Indian Other:______

Reason for Marriage: (Circle one)

Revenge Canada says we can now Tax break/lower insurance (free booty)
Pregnancy Convenience Lost a Bet

Name o’ Intended:________________________
Gender: (Circle all that apply) Male Female ECE Hermaphrodite
Sex: Yes Please! No, I’m married!

Psychoses: (Why the fuck would you want to marry an engineer?!)

Also an Engineer Golddiggin’ Blindness Syphillis
Leprosy Dementia Alzheimers Frontal Lobotomy

Prenuptual Agreement? Sure. I ain’t stupid! No: golddiggin’

Open Bar? Yes.

Submit this form with $1000 in Certified Cheque or Money Order with a 24 and a free hat to noods02@hotmail.com. Include a self-addressed
stamped envelope. All marriages final and become the property of the Enginoods. We own your ass and any amateur porn you produce.

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!

http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“Well, brutal’s a subjective term. What’s brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.“
 POETS
Mail order brides are available at www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods

PBD TOTALS
Beer Barons 76 Take me back home
Pyrotechnic Timbit Express 68 There is nothin’ fair in this world
SE-Xperts 63 There is nothin’ safe in this world
4A Elec 52 And there’s nothin’ sure in this world
2B Mech 47 And there’s nothin’ pure in this world
4A Comp 44 Look for something left in this world
Noods 42 Start again
1B Mech 25 Come on
1B EnvCiv 24
Deck 24 It’s a nice day to start again.
1B Geo 23 It’s a nice day for a white wedding.
3A Mech 16 It’s a nice day to start again.

FAMOUS PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE

“A man may be a fool and not know it - but not if he is married!” - H.L Mencken
“Take it from me, marriage isn’t a word - it’s a sentence.” - King Vidor
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” - Rodney Dangerfield
“A man’s mother is his misfortune, but a wife is his fault.” - Walter Bagehot
“It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.” - Benjamin Disraeli
“I’ve only slept with the men I’ve been married to. How many women can make that claim?”
- Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky
“Gettin’ married’s a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
- Minnie Pearl
“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.” - Johnny Carson
“My wife doesn’t care what I do - as long as I don’t have a good time.” - Lee Trevino
“I’m a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.” - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.” - Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.” - Abraham Lincoln
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” - H. L. Mencken
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” - Erma Bombeck
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”CENSORED
- Michel de Montaigne
“Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder.” - Thornton Wilder
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a mutual admiration society where one person is always right, the other is the husband.” - W. Grant
“Sometimes I bust out and do things so permanent. Like tattoos and marriage.” - Drew Barrymore
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought
jewelry.” - Rita Rudner
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” - Oscar Wilde
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious
enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” - Jack Benny
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” - Jimmy Durante
“My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.“ - Les Dawson
“Take my wife. Please.” - Henny Youngman
“We’ve got a piper down, I repeat, the piper is DOWN!”
ALL THE NOODS THAT’S NOT TOO UNFIT NOT TO PRINT!
THAT’S
I still like recycling headlines.
Noods Married Life Advice
Read and become enlightened, young grasshopper
You’re about to get married. But what the fuck do you know about marriage? Nothing, fucknut, you’re an engineer. Of course, we at
Enginoods are the experts at all marriage related issues, like porn (because you know there will be no sex after the wedding), beer
(because you need something to take the edge off her nagging), and getting her to cook for you. And K-D doesn’t count, woman.
So… with that in mind, here is what you can expect in the days ahead.
- Sex. Just kidding – it’s not going to happen. Fuck no. Hell no. No fucking way. It’s no use even trying. Get it?
- You can finally give up all that useless posing in the gym, sports field, or wherever futile attempt you were making to pretend to
keep yourself looking attractive. Luckily, she is thinking the same thing. You’ll have to satiate yourself with porn.
- A lifetime of taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. We recommend a weekly bonfire that covers the entire front yard, to
kill two birds with one stone. It gets rid of the “painting the fence” chore too.
- Your house will contain flowers and other fucking girly smelly stupid things. Especially in the bathroom. There’s no use trying
to stop it. She will make it reach critical mass. Our advice? Buy noseplugs and porn and ignore it.
- Furniture is no longer for eating on or sitting on or touching. Friends over for the game? It doesn’t matter. Great show on
during dinner? Nuh-uh. Kiss your ass groove goodbye. But don’t worry about it. Just buy some earplugs and ignore your
cares away. It’s not like she’ll do any “withholding”… you’re already used to that.
- Your in-laws will at one point or another, end up living with you. There is nothing you can do about it. There is no escape.
Except murder. See volume 1, issue 3 of the Noods for help with corpse disposal engineering.
- That really hot girl that you’ve been eyeing for the past three years will finally talk to you and admit that she’s always secretly
lusted after you. It’s too bad your fucking married! Loser. Our advice. Take a picture of her naked and send it to us.
- Your have no friends of your own anymore. All of your friends are banned from your home. Congratulations on your new
friends: your wife’s friends. Our advice, listen to them intently with your eyes glazed over and think of that hot girl that you’ve
been eyeing for the past three years. Too bad she can’t be your friend, you fucking loser.

Top 10 things NOT to forget while on your honeymoon:

10. Kids don’t mind seeing you nekked on “It’s a Small World”, but the operators sure as shit do.
9. Universal Studios makes FAMILY films.
8. Do not leave your toothbrush unattended with your camera.
7. Nobody really wants to see the photos, so make prints not fucking slides. (Unless they be porn)
6. Your brand spankin’ new spouse.
5. Mickey is probably nekked under that costume, but if you try to find out, he’ll be mighty pissed.
4. Amateur porn sells well… and face it… you’re amateurs.
3. If you run out of things to do, ask Sue Johansson (1-888-393-TALK).
2. You’ll have to get rid of all your single friends by the time you get back.
1. Two words yo: Birth Control

Noods Real-life wedding vows:

For the boys:
Will you have this (succubus/sheep/biatch) as your lawfully wedded wife, to live together while it is convenient? To love
her as long as she puts out, honour her cooking and cleaning, comfort her as she goes down on you, keep her in health
until she gets pregnant, be true to her as long as she is watching, until divorce do you part?

For the gals:

Will you have this (incubus/horse/asshole) as your lawfully wedded husband, to live together until all the renovations are
done? Will you love him until he uses you as a beer wench for one too many football Sundays, honour his paycheque,
give him ‘comfort’ in exchange for goods and services, keep him in health until he becomes impotent, be true to him until
a ‘bigger’ man comes along, until divorce do you part?

“No, I tend to follow the Judao-Christian ethic of “Thou shalt not kill”. But, that’s just me.”
 Ryan “2 Votes” Walker
“You can’t be too crazy, but you can be too sane.”
Cock-Ring Warehouse and Happy Harry Hardon present:

SEXUAL POSITION CHECKLIST (FOR THE HONEYMOON):

Missionary Threesome The $2 Whore
Doggie Style The Grand Slam Breakfast The Abraham Lincon with the
Wrap Around Butt Grab The Ishtar Stovepipe Hat.
Space Monkey Cannibal Women in the Avocado Sex and Sensibility
Glass Bottom Boat Jungle of Death The Pedophile
Fisheye The Strawberry Sundae Bohemian Rhapsody
Hot Carl Pearl Necklace Fat Bottom Girls
Filthy Sanchez Golden Shower The Killer Queen
Hot Dog Mile High Club Priscilla Queen of the Desert
The Flying Squirrel Snowballing Patricia the Stripper
The Lewinsky aka The Cigar Balling The Kenny G Kisses Like My
The Cat in the Hat Snowing Father
The Sinus Headache Taunt the Comp HighBall
The Amelia Earhart The Hanging Bat Low Ball
The Jane Goodall The Red Assed Baboon The Liberace (just kidding!)
The Jacques Cousteau The Wedding Singer The Henry VIII (I am)
The Andy Kaufman The Benjamin Franklin The Adam, Eve and the Serpent
On Top of the Dryer The Purple Haze The Romeo and Juliet
The Kitchen Table Clean-Up The Martini Purple Monkey Dishwasher
The Rug Burn Special The PB&J Sandwich Ships Ahoy/Pop the Waterbed
The Freshly Waxed Floor The Enginoods A single plum, floating in perfume,
Bush Gardens (hoorahh) The Shanghai Shuffle served in a man’s hat (version
The Kosher Pickle The Bangkok (Bangcock) with woman on top)
Menage a Trois The One Night Stand The Last Man on Earth

THIS WEEK, WE’D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS ISSUE TO

Emma and Christopher
Good Fucking Luck. Don’t scare Mickey fucking Mouse. Don’t forget to bring us
fucking presents. You two fucks deserve many many free fucking hats.

WERE YOU OFFENDED?

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

noods02@hotmail.com
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Well done Jesse. You moron. Thank you for your time.
Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have
won a free hat!
Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’

“Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I’d really have to go with breast size.”