Reflection on my Personal Dilemma in the past year

“For me the moral dilemma this past year has been how to make peace with the unacceptable.”
– May Sarton
A lot of unimaginable things has been happening since last year. There were natural
disasters that occurred one after the other with a very small amount of time to cope up. Then this
Covid-19 pandemic outbreak caused sudden and rapid changes in the world, in the Philippines,
and in the personal lives of people. From my standpoint, I found it hard to adjust to some things
that is not included to my plans at the beginning. But I guess, it just happen and I just have to
accept things as they are. A great deal of challenges came about the past year. Difficulties with
the changes in my studies/academics, financial issues, mental health concerns, and others. But
the most important moral experience that I encounter is related to my family. I can say that I’m
quite a part of a dysfunctional family. My elder sister and I has an inconsistent contact or
communication with our biological mom, we live with our dad and our step mom (who is
working abroad) with our half-brother and stepsister. Growing up, I somehow feel isolated and
lacking in terms of emotional support. I tried to accept that these circumstance is out of my
control and that I just have to get used to it. Then the past year, when things are considerably
rough, most people are in isolation due to the pandemic, and a lot of issues are arising, my mom
then decided to reach out to me after a long time of not communicating to us. At first, I was
reluctant to talk to my mom because of what she did to us. I felt neglected by her and sometimes
I just felt apathetic or detached toward her. But then, I tried to reason out with that situation. I
gather all my thoughts about this matter, be it negative or positive. I tried to understand my
issues as well as my emotions with regards to my mom. I weigh pros and cons of talking again to
my mom or not. For instance, I thought that if I don’t allow my mom to communicate with me,
I’m doing myself a favor or keeping myself away from disappointment and hurt. But somehow I
won’t be at peace. On the contrary, if I decide to allow my mom to talk to me again, I might get
high hopes or expectation that this will be permanent now or that our communication will now
be consistent. But later on, I might be disappointed or heartbroken if mom decided to lose
contact again. Yet, I will get the peace that I need. Besides, there are also other alternatives. I
could allow my mom to be in touch and still accept that things may not be permanent so I
wouldn’t get hurt much. Before I decide, I prepared myself to possible consequences. At the end,
I chose to forgive her and allow our communication to be back. I believe that in that instance, the
moral courage in me became dominant. Having that decision is about courage, courage to free
myself from hatred or apathy towards my mom. And of course my will to be at peace internally
and be at peace with my mom plays an important role in this.